https://www.listennotes.com/e/d59ea3d20f214cc4b99579db1ba46a7d

Hey, James here. Got some news for you. My book is now available for pre-order. That's right, in the show notes, you can go and pre-order it today. And if you do, I'm going to give you some incredible free bonuses. Head over to thehabibook.com that's thehabibook.com to pre-order yours today. Welcome to the Lead on Purpose podcast. I'm James Lachlan, former seven-time world champion and now coach to entrepreneurs, CEOs, professional athletes all over the world. This show is for people who refuse to settle, people who are driven, people who want to grow, who know that there's so much more to learn and want to learn from the world's best. Each week I bring you insights from a special guest who's at the top of their game, whether they're in Formula One, whether they're a billionaire, whether they've started a company from scratch and ticket to the top. I bring them to you so that you can rewire your mindset, take action and lead a A life of purpose. Let's get started. Today's special guest is Dai Foster. We're going to talk about presence, we're going to talk about emotional reframing, and of course, living with intentionality. Enjoy the show. The Lead On Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages.co.nz. Dai Foster, a huge welcome to the.

Lead On Purpose podcast.

It is so lovely to be here, James. I'm glad you're here. I've been waiting on this moment for months. I remember the first time I met you four or five months ago in person. I've met you many, many months ago online, just following your journey, being inspired by your message. It was actually Caroline, my partner who came across you. I was like, James, you've got to see this woman. You've got to meet her. She's in Christchurch. I was like, no way, she's not. And so when I first got to meet you, I was like, wow, there's Di Foster. Amazing to actually be around you and your energy is infectious as the listener and viewer will get to discover. your story is mind-blowing and stories are stories, but some people's stories are truly transformational for the person that gets to witness them. And there's so many ways to apply what's happened in your life to our own lives. And when I chat to you, I'm like, God, I'm going to listen to that. Geez, that's helpful. So we want to unpack the life of Di. and there's quite a lot to unpack.

Yeah, there's quite a bit. Let's go.

Yeah, let's do it. So anywhere that you want to go deeper, let's go deeper. But I want to start with the tough stuff. So we are not defined by moments in our lives, but we're defined by how we respond to them, I believe. You've had to suffer something that most people to this stage probably have never experienced.

And that's- and that's where we say, James, can we just stop for the moment? When did I ever give you the impression that I suffered?

Damn true, zero.

Can we just back up the bus for a moment? Let's just take the wind. I journeyed through a couple of things. I did not suffer through them.

I love that. Okay, so right away, viewers and listeners, listen to that right away. Perspective is everything. What we experience in our bodies and in our minds all comes down to the perspective we place on the experience. So I said, most people suffer through, and you're like, hold up a second.

No, you said, I suffered through. Just so we're really clear.

And I love that. I love that you can say, no, I chose not to suffer. And that is a choice.

See, I wouldn't even say I chose not to suffer 'cause that's such, it doesn't even enter my head. It was like, I journeyed through something and I chose, I'm a very pragmatic person and I just chose to be as happy as I possibly could given my life circumstances. So I think that you can love your life regardless of your life circumstances. We don't have to love everything that's happening in our life, but we can still love our life and we can certainly love ourselves through that.

Well, right now we've got people going, what the hell did I go through?

What did you not suffer?

100%. So please share what happened in your life that took you off on a very different journey than you had expected. Where did that all come about?

It's always an interesting place to start, 'cause it's like, do we start right back at the beginning or do we just start with the dramatic? So do you want me to start at the beginning or...

I'd love to start at the dramatic and then I'm happy to go back to the beginning.

Okay, perfect. So 15 years ago, I was sitting in a little oncologist's office here in Christchurch, and what he said to me was, Die You have terminal secondary breast cancer. It is metastasized in your lungs. You have a life expectancy of 12 months and there is 0% chance that you will be here in 18 months time. And on the back of that, what they said was pretty much there are no treatment options. So the only treatment option available to me was palliative care chemo. and if you know anything about that, that will not extend my life. It may help my symptoms. Now, what they told me to do was go home and put my affairs in order. And there was this little thing inside of me that thought, fuck, that was not, you know, where we were heading. You know, I'd just met the love of my life. I'd moved to Christchurch. I'd been with Steve for about 18 months. And I was just like, this feels really unfair. And when I've spoken to Steve about it since, he said, for him, it was a grieving thing. It was like he was grieving the relationship that he was just so ecstatic to be in. And it was like we were going to have maybe two years together. And so in that moment, if we, you know, go back to that dramatic moment, there was this little voice inside of me when they said, I had a 0% chance of being here in 18 months and I'd more likely have 12 months. I thought, my life is not yours to give me. Like, this is my life. And I thought, I'm pretty sure I could be here for five years. And I'm pretty sure that I can reduce my symptoms without doing palliative care chemo. So I'd done chemo before, I'd done surgery before, I'd done radiotherapy before. I was under no illusion of what that meant. But also, you know, my mum will tell you that there has been one miracle that's happened in my life. And it was in this moment that I was sitting opposite the oncologist, and it was that I shut up and listened. Now, my mother, I love her. And she would say that I literally wake up in the morning just and bounce out of bed just to hear what I've got to say. Like, because I am immensely interesting and funny. And literally I'm like, wake up and I'm like, what am I gonna say today? Because that's gonna be good. and so my mother would tell you the fact that in this moment I shut up and listened. That's when the miracle happened. And there were three things, what I call my whispers, that I heard. And the first one was simply, Die. If you've only got 12 months left, for God's sake, be happy. Now, I figured out really quickly that we're not meant to just be happy in life. We're not meant to just be one singular emotion. We're meant to experience all of the emotions. So for me, that turned into be present. Just literally be in that present moment, each and every moment. The second thing I heard was go natural. So be present, go natural. So for me it was let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. So kind of just like everything I do in life, let it build towards my health and not be taken away from it. I didn't really know what that meant, but I knew that I'd figure it out as I went. And what it did turn into was do what felt right for as long as it felt right. And then when it didn't, just let it go. And I think the other thing that happened is quite often people, when they get a diagnosis like that, well, their whole life turns into this wellness task list. And I was determined that to keep some sort of normality in my life, I still went to work every day and I was allowed one appointment a week. And that's why I removed myself from the medical system because they literally send you these appointments that conflict with each department and it's just, it's quite a lot. And what they were offering was not actually going to help. So I felt like it, at some level, I took control for what I could control back to myself and made some choices about that. And that wasn't new to me. When I had surgery, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, they said to me, you have to have surgery because you have a very aggressive tumor. And I said, I don't have to do anything. And so we know that people that take responsibility for their own health have far better outcomes. So I took two days to decide that that's what I wanted to do. But if we get back to the three whispers, the third thing I heard was be grateful. At this point, I'm pretty sure I snorted out loud. And I thought, what the fuck do I have to be grateful for? I've met the love of my life. I'm only gonna have 12 more months. and there was this really calm whisper that just said, you,'ve got 12 months to figure out what you've got to be grateful for. And so I left the hospital and I had those three whispers. And I just pretty much took each day as it came and I had an idea of one day, one lifetime, you know, what I wanted my lifetime to represent in each day. And I just took it one day at a time.

I wanna unpack so much of this day.

Yeah, there was quite a lot going on in there.

It's really phenomenal. I guess, being open. So breast cancer has played a big part in my family. Mum had breast cancer in her early 40s, mastectomy, my grandmother, her mother, breast cancer, my great grand or my grandmother on my father's side died of breast cancer. So it certainly plays a role in terms of conversation. I'm very aware of it. Your response to it is something I've never heard before. I've never came across that. I think it's amazing. Take ownership, take responsibility, decide on the journey. This is my journey, not just be told what you're going to do. These whispers, okay, this interests me. When you say a whisper, how did that show up? Was it your inner voice? Are you a religious or spiritual person? And it was higher power or God or something speaking to you? What was the whisper all about?

Well, I was brought up Catholic, but I wouldn't say that I'm religious. I would say that I'm spiritual. I wouldn't say, but I would believe that that spirit is within me. And so I would say, I call them the whispers of my own heart, you know, because it was just something within me. It's not a voice from above or anything like that. The other thing is I'm very good at packaging things up to communicate them. So let's not pretend that these whispers just came to me in this moment. I guess it probably took a couple of weeks for me to get clear on what they were and to frame them up so that I could then move forward with them.

It's amazing. And if we look at each of those individually, so that first one around being present, I mean, when I hear these whispers, if someone's listening right now who is going through an incredibly difficult time with their health, these are going to be so powerful, but equally someone who's going through a difficult day, someone who's had a shit day, they're been full on at work, they've got difficult relationship problems, these whispers all apply equally.

And if somebody has a very blessed life, and doesn't think that there's much wrong with it. The third whisper is incredibly important because gratitude, when we've sort of got semi-control of our own life, then extends out into giving back.

100%. And let's get to that in a second, the gratitude piece. But the present piece is so pertinent right now because we are in a world that's highly distracted. We've got a lot of distractions. We have digital technology, which a lot of people are listening and watching to this on right now. That's a bonus. However, it can be really detrimental. So presence, how did you create presence in your life? How did you become more present?

I think that... I think it was mainly with my thoughts because I had a very, very, very busy mind, like in my 20s. Just as a matter of interest, I actually, my first diagnosis with breast cancer was when I was 29.

So very young.

Very young. So I was only 30, 38 when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Wow.

Just to put some perspective around that. No, no, no family history. But we'll get back to that in a minute. So I think it came around to my thoughts. So I'd always had this very busy mind. I'm quite ambitious. I've always been talking to my dad about how we think and all of that sort of thing. And so I think I just was very aware of my thoughts. So I kind of think of it as going down the rabbit hole. And so I became really good at catching my thoughts and reframing them to something that would be more useful. So one of the things that I did is I became very aware of what I was in control of, and I don't even love the word control, but what I have influence over and what I don't. So if I was worried about something that I had no control over. So the day I die, the way I die, I would be like, okay, I'm. That day is not of concern to me now. But actually, what can I do? Oh, I can meditate and I can eat really well. And so literally, I would just catch myself and go, you know, like, actually, I'm doing the best I can today, and I'm doing this because I love myself, and that's okay. That's enough in this day. And then anything that I was worried about that. didn't really have control over. I had worry time, like 4:45 every day. I was allowed to worry for 15 minutes about everything in the world, everything in my life that I have no control over. For the rest of the 23 hours and 45 minutes, that's when I got to action all the things that I needed to for what I do had influence and control over.

That's powerful. I mean, if I only met you for three seconds in my life and you said, James, worry time, it's 15 minutes a day, the rest of it, get on with it. That would change my life. Like that one thing alone is life changing because the amount of time we spend worrying, complaining, bickering, panicking, full of fear, I mean, it's tens of hours a day for most humans. That's a game changer.

And it's not even the time that I think is the problem. It's the energy. It's the energy. So like, you know, I can watch Trump now. with an entertainment lens and go, wow, this is fascinating. Like, where's my popcorn?

Unhinged as well.

Absolutely. It's like, wow, you know, because I don't have control over whether he's the president of the United States or not, but I do have control over my response to him. And so my ability to respond is my greatest you know, like what I do have control over. So when we talk about, you know, being present, one thing I noticed that certain things might trigger me, you know, like I might be triggered. So I knew what was, what I would be triggered on was unresolved in myself. So when I was worrying at 4 45, I was also in the morning journaling, and I was journaling every event or everything in my life that I needed to reframe or I needed to forgive somebody or I needed to forgive myself. And I just spent months and months and months just journaling letters, reframing everything.

Why did you do that?

Because unbeknownst to me at the time, there is a framework around natural, like, radical remissions. Yeah. And. But I intuitively knew that I was holding on to things in my life that were not serving me. And so I went back through and picked up those things. Like I changed my language around my first marriage. It was like I was married to the most gorgeous human being and we had a 10-year relationship and I still have an enormous amount of love for him. And he is the most divine human being because he will never, to my knowledge, he has never ever said a bad word about me. And he has a few reasons to be, you know, to be a little bit angry with me, but he never did that. And so, you know, I decided instead of saying I had a failed marriage, I simply said I had a first marriage.

Hey, James here. I wanted to take a quick moment to let you know about something. Look, I get asked to deliver keynotes and workshops for teams and companies all over the world, from London to Antarctica, from America to Australasia, from armies to small businesses, to large corporates, to sports teams. But I go in and deliver keynotes around the mindset of high performers, around the habits of high performers, about how we navigate change. If you would like me to come and speak to your team or speak at your conference or deliver a bespoke workshop, please get in touch with my team, caroline@jjlachlan.com will be able to help. I'll also make sure that we put that in the show notes. That's a big difference. So that one little word changed how you felt emotionally.

Yeah.

And so you started doing this with different experiences and memories and- Yeah. Wow.

And so instead of, I needed to forgive myself for that relationship. I needed to forgive myself for the way that I ended that relationship. And I realized that I was simply disappointed that I didn't have the information at the time to live up to my own gold standards. So if I had felt bad about the end of that relationship, it was because I hadn't lived up to my own gold standards. And so then, you know, I changed it around. I was like, well, how do I live, how do I live up to my own gold standards in life? And so reframing all of those things and they have become my very best stories. I bet that They're the best things that I can tell you about because I've thought about them and then I've got the gold out of them. I've said, you know, my sister was is nine years younger than me. When my mum came home and told us that she was pregnant, I was like, Holy shit, my parents don't need me to be the baby of the family anymore. So I decided then I needed to grow up. And then I could see that in my twenties, I was so growing up and being good, that then when I was 28, I literally, that was part of the reason I left the relationship because I'd always been forcing myself to do the right thing and I hadn't spent any time going, Di, what would you like to do? You know, like, I know that you're meant to wear these clothes and you're meant to do this and this is how business people log, but actually what suits you, you know? And it was like that 28, leaving that relationship, leaving my life essentially, at that time and starting again, and then literally having almost 10 years where I just was like, I'm just gonna lean into not being responsible and not doing everything right. And I just got to know myself after that.

Unreal. And I think too few of us do that. I've been through a marriage that ended in divorce that I look back on as being a great time in my life. I've got a great relationship still in friendship with my former wife. But that took time to look back on that with, oh, that was actually quite beautiful. And again, how it ended, I'd love to have had more information on how to communicate better.

Yeah, this time.

I had no idea. Even the timeliness of the communication and the tact of the communication and the speed of the dissolution. I had no idea on that stuff.

And even, you know, languages of love, you know, that would have been big for me. But also I look back and think, I'm not sure it ever would have changed the outcome. I don't know that it would have, you know, because, you know, I remember saying to my, you know, to my partner at the time, my husband at the time, I said, you know, we are, we are tactile beings, you know, we like to, you know, communicate and be touched and all of that. And he said, I'm not. And I remember my heart broke and I thought, if anything, I know about myself, I am. Yeah. that is who I am. That is, you know, when we do, I've done a strength test recently and I was really surprised, but the first thing, my strongest, you know, strength was love.

There you go.

And I thought, of course it is. Yeah, of course it is. I'm also one of the most challenging people you'll ever meet.

I agree.

But I'm also the most supportive and loving.

Yeah, I agree on that too. Yeah, I agree on both fronts. I think it's amazing. It's interesting around this languages of love. I wanna dive into that for a second. So Gary Chapman, as the love languages assessments, free assessment. I'll make sure we put it in the show notes. So mine is time spent.

Is it to receive or to give?

Time spent like with others giving.

Yeah. Is that how you like to receive it though, or how you like to give it? Because that's the thing I always think is really interesting is everyone gets caught up on the fact that it's like we don't necessarily give love the way we want to receive it.

Yeah, totally. For me, I don't actually want gifts. Like physical gifts.

Yeah.

I don't want. I actually really like to receive touch. So like a hug, I love I'm a hugger, right? Or if I go for a massage, I just say, oh my God, this feels good. Like this is a treat, this is indulgent. I love time spent giving that and yeah, in return it's in the top two. But then, yeah, I would say like the massage and stuff like that, like time spent is good, but touch is really key. Gifts are right at the bottom for me. And I give gifts not all the time and they're not very lavish. They're usually, it's usually a book, I usually give books. Yeah, I loved it. What about you? What was the love languages that you discovered you needed to receive and then that you like to give?

I'm definitely time. Right. You know, above all else, it doesn't matter what you do, if you don't spend time with me. Interesting, I love receiving gifts.

There you go.

But I'm a shit gift giver. So like, I'm well known for maybe once every five to six years, out the gate like primo gifts. Like, I am amazing.

My birthday's coming up soon.

Is this one of the years? We're too early. You're knowing you're long enough. You know, even to my nieces and nephews, when they were possibly not a great gift giver their whole life, but when they were 16, I've taken each of them on a trip.

Wow.

Now that fulfills two things for me. I knew that I wanted to reestablish an adult relationship with them. and it's time. So each one of them, when they've been 16, I've taken them on, you know, and they've got more extravagant as they've gone on. Sorry, Sean, if you're listening to this, you just got Melbourne, Jessica got Vietnam, and then Ben got three weeks in Japan.

Oh my God, lucky kids. Lucky you too.

And now I'm going around, like Sean's just turned 30, so that was one of the reasons we went to Europe last year. Again, time.

Time is everything. And it's one thing literally, and people say, oh, there's so much time in the world. Like, no, there's not.

It's very finite. Time is a fiction. Yeah. And so I like to, you know, it's definitely time. I'm definitely words of affirmation. You know, I love receiving gifts though, 'cause it's the thing that I'm not good at. My sister is amazing at it. Oh, both of them are really, Jo is amazing at the gift itself. And Kate is incredibly thoughtful. Shout out to your sisters. Gorgeous. Yeah, two of my sisters. And I've got a brother as well.

And his wife is amazing at gifts.

Not so much him.

Surrounded in gifts. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm absolute, but as I said, once every now and then I'm out the gate. You'll be lucky if I ever remember someone's birthday. It's just like, it's not on my radar. And then out the gate sometimes it's like incredible and I'm like, God, I nailed that.

I can relax for 10 years.

I love it.

You've done it, Tech done. Yeah, yeah. I love it. Now we're gonna come back. We're gonna look at the other two whispers in a moment. However, let's pull it back even earlier. So you mentioned there's no history in the family of cancer, breast cancer. You got up very young. Was there any reflection, learnings in terms of your lifestyle, the things that had happened? You've talked about kind of forgiveness and so forth of things that happened leading up to that. Do you think there was any other contributing factors that you would go, if I could rewind the clock?

No, 100%.

I love that, yes there is.

Just you stay right there. So when I was 13, I got a horrendous chest infection. put me in bed for about a month. And then after that, a couple of times a year, I would get chest infections until I was 17 and I said, the antibiotics aren't working. I'm going to figure out how I can manage my own health at 17. So I stopped taking antibiotics then. However, what I found out at 25 was that in my blood, so we have what's called immunoglobulins, and we have five of them. and one of mine, IGE, I have 20 times as much IGE as one person needs. So that means that I'm not allergic to things, but I have, you know, like, oh, I'm allergic to dogs and cats and I'm not allergic to foods, but I'm intolerant to them. The second one is IGE, and I have no IGE in my blood, which IGA is the immunoglobulin in your blood that stops a common cold going to your chest. So that first chest infection was really important because, but unfortunately it was in 12 years later that I figured out why it was important. And unfortunately in that time I'd had what's considered broad spectrum antibiotics and a number of them. And they, over those years, would have altered my immunity. And so when I was 28, I had alopecia. So in my 20s, I was having stomach issues, you know, all lead from no IGA, too much IGE, too many antibiotics. And then it led to some stomach issues. And then I ended up with alopecia just before I got cancer. So that's considered an autoimmune condition. And then cancer is much the same. And so if I had my time again, it even goes right back to when I was a little kid. My mum would take me off sugar because of the food coloring and the sugar, because it affected my behavior so much. And it's really hard. when you're going through life to understand that. So what that tells me is I am a sensitive person. And so I just have to work with that, which is still hard for me. Cause you know, like I, I'm going through perimenopause now just on the verge of menopause. And it is, the hormone thing is whacking me around a bit. And it's like my default is when I'm tired is to eat 'cause I need energy. It does not give me energy, but we're currently rewiring that at the moment, James. And we're doing a very good job.

You're smashing it.

Yeah, I'm smashing it.

I love that you're sharing this because there's gold in that and there's other people that are at different stages in their life right now that might be actually experiencing some of the things that you've went through. For you to discover your immunoglobulin, IGA status. How did you go about that? How could someone else do that?

You know, it's one of those things quite often in life, it's just a sliding doors moment. I go to a locum and he looks at me and says, you, should not be getting chest infections like this. That's not normal. We need to find out why. So he sends me to go and get a camera put down my lungs and he simply does a blood test.

Incredible. Thank you to that locum. so for people that are going through things that keep coming back up, be curious and try and find a doctor or a provider that can help you on that journey.

Yeah, because it's the underlying, like, why does that keep happening? And so the gold that he gave me was, die. Every time you get a chest infection, someone's going to try and give you antibiotics. Your simple response is, let's do a sputum sample and see if what I have at this point in time is going to be helpful with our antibiotics. And pretty much I've probably done it, I don't know, 15 times since then. Never once has what I've got going to be helped by antibiotics.

Wow.

Yeah.

Which is the go to for most doctors.

Yeah. And so there's power in that information. And it's interesting because the medical profession, I still get some kickback on that, but it was a doctor that actually told me. And I've had a couple of things that have you know, which has been useful because then instead of going broad spectrum, we can go nail down to the exact thing that I might need.

Incredible. Get really specific with that. Yeah. I love it. And so you're quite young at this stage. There's clearly that physical component, this mental emotional component. Do you feel there was things there in your life that you're like, actually that does harbour and build anxiety and into autoimmune disease?

I'm not an anxious person. So there is some mental health issues within my family, you know, So I'm aware that I'm a sunshine person. And I've always been like that. I'm not to say I don't get grumpy and I don't serve, give people a good serve every now and then.

Oh, I've seen that.

Yeah, I've seen that. Few people have. That's not to say that I don't do that, but pretty much I do not have, even, you know, like with what I've been through, I wasn't unhappy. I wasn't miserable, you know? And so my dad and I are really close. And right from a young age, he gave me two poems and power of being a parent, you know, he gave me two poems when I was eight because I was competitively roller skating. And they were, it's all in the state of mind and don't quit. And I was brought up on those poems, you know, in terms of what they meant. And dad and I, it wasn't the poems that were important. It was the fact that we started a conversation and it still continues, you know, I just got off the phone to him this morning and gave him a wee clip around the ears of the direction he might need to go. And Dad and I would say about each other, I would say that he is my greatest teacher and my greatest student. And he would say the same about me.

What a beautiful relationship.

Oh, very, very, very blessed to have the relationship I do with my father. And he did that because while he was always my dad, he also was very much on a level playing field with me. So when I came home when I was 13 and, you know, I'd been to remedial reading classes that and I was the least likely person to ever be academic. And I told everyone at the table that I was going to go and get an accounting degree because it was like someone had finally, you know, math and business were on the same topic. Who knew? And at 13 years old, I discovered accountancy. And I said, I'm going to go to university and get an accounting degree. And he gave me that look of, how am I going to manage this girl's expectations? Because there is no way she's going to be able to do that. And the very next morning I got up and I started studying six o'clock in the morning, 13 years old. And that don't quit thing, you know, there are very few things in life that I decide to do, but every single one of them that I have decided to do has taken me at least, I was going to say two, but probably 10 times longer than I think it should. But I never, ever, ever give up. Doesn't matter what it is. Once I've decided I'm going to do it, I just. stick at it. Why? Why not?

I love that. That's brilliant. Why not? Why shouldn't I give it everything I've got for as long as I can?

Because the only thing I decide to do is in every cell in my body. Like once I know, once I know something and once I decide I want to do it, it's with every cell in my body. So I'm really good at going, oh, we could do this. We could do that. Oh, my goodness, we could do this, you know? But there's very few things that I go, I am going to do that.

And you double, triple, quadruple down on that.

It's just relentless. To the extent that this time last year, I realized that I'd been chipping away at my business and I was thinking, she's been a slow burn, you know, and I've just been chipping away. But at some level, I realized that I hadn't wanted. I hadn't wanted it to take off because my son was still young. You know, he was 12 and. Which is not super young, but it. on the back of not being well, I feel like, come on, James, we have to rewind a bit. Actually, I need to tell this bit of the story. So people can- tell it, we can.

Rewind and come back and forth. I'm loving it.

So you reminded me to pick up here. So if I go back, I was diagnosed and I went off on my world, you know, and I started doing things to help my health and reinflate my lungs. Because when I was diagnosed, I had a fully collapsed lung and I had activity in 75% of my lungs. And so what happened after that was I picked up things and, you know, did things the natural way and did all of that. And pretty much in five years, I had two Panadol and some, and some drugs when I had my child. But about 14 months after, my husband said to me, holy. He said, you're seriously a pain in the ass again. And I said, I know. I feel great. And he goes, I think you're well. And I said, I think I am, too. So, you know, when I say I'm removed myself from the medical system, I hadn't gone back to the doctor. And so 14 months later, he goes, what do you want to do with the rest of your life? Our lives? What do you want to do?

You-'re an amazing partner, by the way.

He is. He's a gem. He's a keeper. And I said, I think I like, Let's have a child. And he said, Sweetheart, we've been through five and a half thousand earthquakes. We've relocated two of our businesses. One of them will relocate again. Do you think that's a good idea? and I said, yeah, I do. I'm not having children after I'm 40. So I've done the math. By the time our first wedding anniversary comes around, you need to permanently stop that conversation. But till then, let's give it a go. Like, you've got six weeks.

I love it.

It's like, six weeks. Six weeks. We're gonna have.

Let's go.

I love it. He said, we're living at your sisters, you know, our house. We don't even know if it's still standing. Air plugs work. It's grand. Yeah, yeah. there's no action happening here. And I said, it's okay. I've just booked three nights at Ackerroa. You've now got three nights, not six weeks. It's important, I think, to take every situation and really learn something from it. And what I learned from that situation is that you give my husband a task and he performs exceptionally well under pressure.

I love it.

That man, we went to Ackerroa, dark chocolate, port and taking care of business were not high on the list of that previous 14 months. I love it. dedicated to three days of just doing that. And three weeks before my 40th birthday, we had our only son, our only child, Jackson James Foster.

How amazing.

Yeah.

I love that. It's interesting how life throws these whispers and these challenges to us, and some of us decide to run with it, and others don't. You clearly, when you want something, you're all in.

Yeah.

Boots and all.

How else can you do it?

There's lots of people that half-ass things and dip toes in. That's how they do it. And that's why we're sitting chatting to you today, because you look at life differently.

I was so all in when Jackson was about a year. I said, Steve, let's go again. And he said, no. And I was like, really? Like, I can convince my husband to do anything. Like, you know, he is so 99 of the time. He just goes along with everything I want. And then that one percent. he said, no. And I was like, come on. And I did all my, you know, you know, looks. Come on, babe. You know, he said, I will sleep in that spare room. He said, you are not going to coerce me into getting you pregnant.

And how did he in the end convince you?

He just, he, there was, he, he just said to me, I'll answer the question. He simply said, go back and have a look at the photos of when you were eight months pregnant. and tell me that you expect me to live through that while you're running around after a toddler. He said, I'm so grateful that you're here. He said, I said yes to being left with one child and possibly not having you because you've got to understand that I didn't go and get checked before I got pregnant.

Right.

And he said, I was okay with being left with one child. I'm not being left with two. And my heart broke for the daughter that I haven't had. and I realized that my son is the perfect only child. And, you know, when a man says that he'll have a child with you, and there's a great possibility that he's going to be a solo father, not even a solo father, you know, like no mother anywhere on the Earth. And he gives that gift to you, and he's a wonderful father, then sometimes you just have to respect. and so I said to him, give me two months to grieve for, you know, the daughter that I won't have. And then you need to go and get that taken care of so that it's not a discussion if you're that serious about it.

Incredible. That ability, Diane, I can see the emotion that it brings up when you reflect on that and that finality of knowing that you're not going to have the daughter. It's amazing that we can go back and talk about that and you can express these emotions so powerfully, but also in reflection looking at Steve and how he was able to hold the space for you whilst holding his wishes. That's really powerful. And I've seen this happen. I've spent an evening with you guys up in Auckland. I can see how you guys literally dance with each other and elevate each other and edify each other. It's really beautiful. It's special.

Yeah, it is special because, you know, we started this conversation talking about love languages and things like that. You know, I met Steve 16, 17 years ago. We both do martial arts and I was living in Dunedin and he was living here in Christchurch. And we met in Timaru at beach training. And I spoke to him for 20 minutes. And funny thing I did in life, before I met my first husband, I had no thought on what I wanted out of a person, out of a partner, anything else. So nothing. And, you know, when I was in that relationship, I just, I gave myself over in terms that I didn't think about what I wanted. I just sort of fulfilled what I thought society needed of me or, you know, tried to make him happy, whatever. didn't work particularly well. And my second significant relationship, I'd written the type of person I wanted to be with. And, you know, when you write down good looking, athletic, takes care of himself, what you don't understand is also sometimes they can spend two hours in front of the mirror and you don't get a crack at it. And yet you're like, whoa, there's a price to pay for that. You know, this is great. And there's a price to pay. So before I met Steve, I'd written down exactly what I wanted in a relationship. It didn't say anything about the person, but it said how things were between us. It was things like, when I walk into a room, nobody else will notice, but I know that he's looking at me and we're connected. You know, we'll always choose to stick together wherever we can, but not over. Not above being ourselves. So I was very clear that when I came to came together with somebody, it was going to be that we were two individuals that were choosing to be in a relationship together and we weren't creating this thing that we had to give up of ourselves. And so when I met Steve, he was newly out of a relationship. And I thought, oh, bless, he's not ready for this. Like, because this, you know, this die thing, there's a lot going on over here. So you have to be ready for it, you know, you can't. And I thought, I'm. I'm fully me now, you know, so I'm just like, bless. He's not ready. So talk to him. for 20 minutes. And I just had this sense that I could walk through life with him and I'd happily hold his hand and he would hold mine. And I just knew. And I thought, I'll give him a year. Like, I'll wait for him for a year. And I thought, ideally, he will go off and have a little bit of fun because he's, you know, been in a relationship for a very long time. And I just want him to have that. And I don't want to be the rebound girl. And I had been asked to do my black belt grading that day that I met him, and he was like, I'll come to your grading. So I was like, oh, in six months time, I'm gonna see you. And it's so funny 'cause he never came. And he reckons it was his best decision because my mother still has on her list the people that hit me that day.

Take him down.

Yeah, so he's like, it was a great decision. And literally a year later, we saw each other at the same event. And I hadn't spoken to him that day, but we went out that night and we were watching rugby. And at half time, I went and got a drink and I came back and there was a seat beside him. And I remember sitting down thinking, either he's ready or I'm moving on. And we've never ever been apart.

Unreal.

And it's not hard work. Like, it is not hard work. It is not perfect, but it's not hard work. I mean, this is a man that has never noticed in 17 years that I've ever had my haircut. Even when I text him before I'm coming home and say, I've just been to the hairdresser, still doesn't notice. This is also a man, and I think this is really funny, just before Christmas, I said, I reckon I'm looking really good. Like, I don't reckon I look 52. I think I look really good for my age. And there's silence at the dinner table.

Oh, dear.

And my husband goes, no, I think you look your age. And my son's going, Dad, shut up. Like, I'm trying to help you, mate. Shut up. And I laugh and I'm like, okay. And then he's quiet for a good 30 seconds to a minute and he goes, Jackson's like, Dad, say something nice. And he goes, no, I'm just thinking. No, no, I really do think she looks all right. Jackson's looking at me going, Holy hell. And Jackson says to me a couple of days later, how do you feel about that, Mum? And I said, I love the fact.

That your father can't lie to me. Pure honesty.

Yeah. I love it. I, you know, and, you know, the hair thing, it's, I love it because otherwise he would be perfect to live with and then I wouldn't be able to pick on him about something. So I've got to have something to, you know, and I give him shit about lots of things. lots of things, but it's like it works. And I'm also, I reflected on that after that incident happened. I thought, do I really, who cares? I feel good. I like the way I look. And I know that the man adores the living hell out of me, so it's not a problem. But it was like we have, that's that ability to respond. You know, my, my opinion of myself is not, not really, really, really, really tied to what my husband thinks.

How good? How healthy?

Really healthy.

You are you.

Yeah.

And he chooses to come into a space and share space with you and vice versa.

100.

I love that.

Yeah.

And that's powerful. That's empowering. Yeah. For both. Yeah. And how great for Jackson.

Oh, yeah.

To see this.

Well, we do have to remind him that he has been brought up in a little bit of a different situation and that parents do absolutely adore each other. And, you know, sometimes he just says, guys, could, would you get a room?

You know, like two teenagers kissing in the corner. I love it.

And It's not over the top at all, but it's just we like to remind him that actually just remember that you're a result of great love. Yeah. 'Cause your father and I love each other greatly, you know? And he said to me recently, I would be, like he said, I would be gutted if you guys broke up. And I said, you,'d only be gutted if we broke up because we're so good together.

Yeah.

If we weren't good together, you'd be helping us out and moving one of us out. and he went, oh, and I said, just remember that. It's not a deal breaker. It's just that your father and I are meant to be together. So that's why you're okay with it. That's why it would hurt.

That's such great listening for the listener that's listening, maybe going through a difficult time. You know, for kids that are in a home where the parental relationship is toxic or tense or awful, it's better for everyone that they part ways. And I don't think that that gets talked about enough. My parents haven't spoken 20 plus years and they live three minute drive from each other. They won't talk and that's sad, you know, and they probably left it too long. And everyone in the family got impacted because they probably stayed together for us for a little too long. So I think it's an amazing way to look, hey, this is great and you'd be sad because it's so damn good. Exactly. But if it wasn't, it wouldn't be.

Powerful.

Now, I want to circle back around. Sorry.

Not so case. If you're listening, sorry. Now, we just need Give me one more minute.

Do it.

I have experienced what's called a radical remission. So with no medical intervention, my body has innately healed. So after I had Jackson, I went and got all the tests done and it shows that I have no sign of disease.

Wow. That's the stuff that we hear about. It's the stuff that we might watch on Jerry Springer and be like, are they for real? you've lived it, you've seen it, you've seen the science that backs it up. That gives us all a massive level of hope. I cling to life like you wouldn't believe. And as soon as a health issue comes up, which in the last couple of years it has, I go down a deep hole to figure out what caused it, what can I do about it. I'm very passionate about living. I've got a lot to live for. On the other hand, I'm afraid of death. So we're going to talk a little bit about your outlook on death in a minute. How did you do it? Is that a miracle? Is that intention? Were there actions involved that you believe that helped me get to this remission?

Yes. And yes. And all of the yeses. And it was magic fairy rainbow dust. and it was meant to be. And it was. I believe I cleaned up, like, my thinking. You asked before about my, you know, my journaling and stuff. That was because I was cleaning up everything in my life, like, literally cleaning it up. So cleaning up my thoughts, cleaning up my environment, cleaning up my, you know, diet, cleaning up everything. So. I believe if you go back to biology of belief with Bruce Lipton, it's like we have our DNA and then we have our environment and then there's a light factor in the middle. And I just believe that if we can work as much in that light factor as we can, once we've taken care of those, you know, I don't have control over my DNA. That's sort of set. And I've done a wee bit of work with my DNA so I understand it better. But then our environment, if we clean that up as much as we can, then turning on and off the DNA that's important.

So it's like up regulating the DNA in terms of, let us say we smoke, we drink, we have a lot of stress potentially that could down regulate DNA to.

Well, that's going to turn on the bad parts of your DNA. So basically, but it's also the light factor is that thinking part, is that that cleaning up. So I kind of think of my body as like a storage system. So my thoughts and the energy and, you know, my beliefs and my memories and my stories that I tell myself are all part of stored somewhere in my body. So just try and keep it as clean as possible.

I love that. And I hear responsibility. You take responsibility for what happens in that beautiful brain of yours and that mind. So I'm an avid journaler and I believe it helps me think cleaner and clearer. It distills my thinking. So when you are in the depths of this new journey, and you realized actually this thing is crucial. Where did you start with it? Was it journaling? Did you have a mentor? Did you have someone guiding you on this? I did.

I had myself. I decided to do it intuitively. I had a really great guy, Trulove. If you're in Christchurch, you might know of him. He's a really great chiropractor. And I used to go and see him. And the first thing he said to me was, oh, I've just had a look at your results. Everyone's gonna tell you you're toast. You're not. and I said, okay, let's go. And so I would go in there and he wouldn't adjust me or anything, but we'd talk and, like, to have somebody that actually believed that I was going to live a long and healthy life, it was my total safe place. So I would go and I didn't read anything. You know how you said when there's a health thing, you go down the rabbit hole? Yeah. We see, I didn't Google a thing because here's the thing is that. Doctors are specialists in cancer, and that wasn't what I wanted. So I would Google wellness.

This is brilliant. This is like the coach's dream. Focus on what you do want, not what you don't want.

So I would read books about miraculous healings.

Amazing.

I would never read books about cancer. I would only read books about the thing that I wanted, and I never ever demanded it of myself. Now that to me is critical. So I would tell my body, I would read story. There was a book, a guy, Adam, that would use to facilitate miraculous healings for people. I would just go, Adam is amazing. Those people were so lucky to have met Adam. And so I would just have this thought. I would never demand that that to happen to me. I wouldn't go, I need to cure myself. I would go, wonder what I can do today that might help myself. So literally that little and never ending improvement.

And you can do it. It's manageable to go, what can I do today? Would you say faith is a big part of your makeup that you have faith in yourself or faith in something?

Yes and no. So I believe with every cell in my body, why not me?

Mm-.

Like, but I also, like I never asked, when I got cancer, I never said, why me? But then also when I was looking for healing, I would also, well, why not me? If them, why not me?

Me.

So I never put a boundary around that. I think I didn't say, why me? Because, you know, when you said before, I want to find out why it happened and everything else, I spoke to an NLP guy and he said to me, you,'ve manifested everything in your life. And this was just after I had breast cancer. And so basically what he said to me is, you have manifested this cancer. And I was trying to figure out whether that was true or not. And what I realized is Possibly it's true, possibly it's not, but it's not fucking helpful.

Very unuseful, like.

Really unuseful. So I'm a real believer, and given where I am in this moment, what is my next best step?

I love that.

So instead of going, oh, I should have done this, or, you know, I should have done that, it's like, okay, well, give them where I am now. What's my next best step?

That's useful.

That'S very pragmatic and it's very useful.

Yeah, where I want to get to today, tomorrow, by the end of the day, and what can I do right now? What's the one little thing? Make the call, move the feet, boil the jug, cut the carrot, whatever it might be.

And you know, when I said before about not wellness, not being a task list, I think that's really important. I think that, you know, people spend horrendous amounts of money on health. I spent very little. I made a very conscious effort that the thing that I was looking for Okay, it's my firm belief that healing does not happen in Mexico. Healing does not happen in a doctor's room. Healing can only ever happen within ourselves. And I think the very thing that we are looking for, we're also alluding because it is just in ourselves. So, you know, when we talk about being religious or spiritual or whether my whispers came from the big guy upstairs or whatever, it's like, no, no, I just think it happens within ourselves.

I love that.

And it's really interesting. You said before, I love this little story. You know, you talked about being afraid of dying. About three weeks after I was diagnosed, I went home and I realized that it felt like a black cloud had come with me since that day. And I realized what that cloud was, was death. And I thought, I'm so afraid to die that I kind of want to have a play with it. You know, I need to kind of address it. And so, so I didn't go to work this day, the only day I didn't go to work. And Steve went off to work and it was 11 o'clock and I was thinking about lunch. So it must have been 11 o'clock because I always think about lunch at 11 o'clock. Like my food. And I thought it's time we had a chat. And so I remember kind of just almost like bringing this cloud around and just being like, hello, death, you and I need to talk. And that's quite confronting, you know, actually going, I'm not gonna be here always. Sometimes there's gonna come a day when I'm going to go with you. And I can't reiterate the conversation, but what I realized in having the conversation with death is that she is my angel of death. And she's my very best friend. and one day I will go with her, and with all my heart I hope that it's with ease, grace and flow. And it's none of my business the day that I die. That day, that day when I decide, when that day when it's decided that I'm meant to go, it's none of my business. Only on that day it will be of a concern to me. But what she reminds me is that she reminds me that one day I will go with her. and the only way I can figure out and what she tells me to do is dying is not the problem. It's living that we're struggling with. So my job is to live in every day that I do have. And, you know, when people go, well, I want five years or I want 10 years. And I say to them, well, what are you doing with the day that you have? And they say, well, I'm worrying. And I'm like, you can't ask for one more day if you're doing all with the day that you've got today. and so my only concern is to do the very best with every little day, every just one singular day that I do get. Because on the day that she says it's time, I want to be able to go with her with ease, grace and flow.

That's really, really powerful. It's landing powerfully for me. If we could take the Oxford dictionary and go to the word presence, I think we should delete what they've got. and literally put in what you've just said. Like that's the definition of being truly present, like you've got today.

Yeah.

That's it. Figure it out. Be present, show up, do the thing, take the swing, just keep it simple and focus on what you've got.

100%. And even, you know, if you're wondering how that looks when I live, like today, I had, James and I had booked this time months ago. So in my diary, I put one client in this morning, almost so that I had something else to think about apart from coming here. And I have nothing in after this. And that is purely so that I can be 100% present with you in this moment. So that I'm not going, what's the time? Or, hey, come on, guys, we've got to wrap this up. It's so that I can just be absolutely present because I chose to spend this time with you. So my gift in that is to be absolutely present in that.

And I feel that. feel it. There's an energy, there's a feeling of presence. And I think the depth that we go to in our conversation is only possible because we're actually both here. Like, this is it. There's nothing else right now. The angel of death that really, I don't know, makes me feel hopeful because I've never taken the time to have a conversation with death. In fact, I've done the opposite. How do I avoid I love that you call it the angel because there's a positive connotation. There's a almost like a guide, a helping partner, well open arms, like when the time comes, it's like, actually it's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

And I actually love that. So I think that's, well, I don't think, I know that's something I need to do this year. And in fact, early this year, I've got quite a bit of time coming up on my hands over this next couple of weeks. So I'm gonna get a journal out and do it, would you recommend?

Yeah, but he's, can we just do this now? What's the problem with dying?

Biggest fear, Finn leaving Finn behind. I've not been there to witness all those beautiful moments with him.

Yeah, so okay, so I understand that, but how old's Finn?

Eight and a half.

Okay, and so do you trust that he's a good human being?

Amazing human.

Do you trust that he is, especially over the next couple of years, that he's gonna be, you know, he's gonna, he's gonna know himself better and he's gonna, he's got this?

He's complete, yeah, he's a fully formed little human.

Right, so what's the problem with dying?

Maybe it's me, it's selfishness. I wanna be there for all the, like, graduations and all the things I picture, you know?

Cool, and you're allowed to be, 'cause there is an inherent desire for us to live, okay? But that's not what I asked. I asked what the problem with dying was.

There's also this, like, a fear, maybe the word that comes to mind, of the actual end and the pain, physical pain, leading to that. It's so unknown that I've probably got my own views of, like, choking to death or low, like, level pain that turns into acute pain. And there's all this palliative care like that to me. I'm like, God, that's torture. So there's fear of all that, that's probably the big thing.

So if you did some reading about people that were in acute pain, then one of the things that there are ways to transcend that. If you are really interested.

Well, you're telling me what I hear is get curious.

Well, like, so I know that what you resist will persist.

Yes, of course.

And I almost feel that you are bringing a very horrible death towards you. Because I'm obsessed about it. Yeah. Or not obsessed. You know what I mean?

It's there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rather than going, the way that I think about it is about speaking. So some people say they would sooner die than public speak.

Are you serious?

Weird. I'm not joking.

I know that. I feel like people say it to me, I'm like, I think it's the best thing. I love it.

Exactly. But here's the thing, right? When I'm thinking about a talk, instead of going, will I remember every word that I'm supposed to do? Well, no, because I don't actually ever write a speech. So I have an overriding belief. So my overriding belief is, Di, you've always known what to say.

You're gonna nail it.

I'm gonna nail it. Yeah. I might not nail it, but I've also, I'll never not have something to say. And so I go through life proving to myself that I always know what to say. And I go, see, you've got this. Oh, look, I did enough. I totally got this. I love pauses. I love, you know, all of that stuff, right? I don't think death's that much different. I just tell myself, in the moment, I'll know what to do.

That's really, I can relate to that.

I know you can.

I like how you planted that. That was really nice.

You're welcome.

I got a free coaching session with Die Faster today, folks. Lucky me, I love it.

But that's how we shift it. It's like, actually, I know with all of your, you know, the bits that I know about you, that you will have it in that moment. And what I think I'm hearing is, is, I've got so much more to do. Yeah. But the thing is, that's you. You do and you're not in control of how much time you have.

Yes.

So just I. This really wise man told me to just focus on my most valuable priorities.

I love it. Your MVP is what I hear there. Quite a wise man.

Quite a wise man, James.

Oh, I love that.

Do you know what I mean? So it's like when we get confused about that, you know, and it's, if we go back for two seconds to one of the things that I was getting confused about with growing my business recently was the fact that I hadn't got clear on what my, my really strong values were. There are some things that are so important to me. I don't think about them.

They're subconscious. They're like genetic DNA. Like it's in there.

Like one of those things.

Right. There we go.

Yeah.

So Jackson. Yeah.

So I was literally holding my business back because I wanted him to know who his mother was just in case I died.

Right. And that held you back from going full noise. Now, at this point, do you believe you can be an incredible mother, a partner to your partner, your husband, and have a kick-ass business?

Yeah. And I even believe it more importantly that my son needs to see how I do this. Because Steve, like, if you tell me what the time is now, I will tell you what Steve is doing. Not because I have, you know, what do you call it? tracker on him. Yeah, I'd have no tracker on him, but I can still tell you where he is, what he's doing and what time he'll be free.

I love that.

And that's who my husband should have habit. Oh, totally. You know, if you say, do you want to add this into your life? He looks at a schedule and goes, well, you know, I just go, yeah, yeah. And then I figure that shit out later or not, you know. So Jackson is, was so important to me with that, with what I'd been through, the fact that I'd chosen to have a child. And now it's like, you know, I said to the boys when I was in Europe last year, I was, I just started to figure it out and I said to them, I said to Jackson, have I been a good mum? And he was like, oh, Mum, you're amazing. And I was like, keep it coming.

Tell me more.

Good five minutes. I said to Steve, have I been a good wife? And he said, oh, you're amazing. Keep coming. Keep, keep. And I said, guys, that is so good because I have given you 12 years of my life and that shit is now fucking over.

I love it.

I'm done. and they're like, yeah, yeah. And they're thinking to themselves, it's going to take her 18 months to ramp this up. Well, I came back and I said to my husband, I've figured out why I don't like working from home. And he goes, good, because now we can fix it. And I said, it's you. I did not marry you to spend seven days a week with you. I'm getting an office. That was the first thing I did. And then just changed really instantaneously. Those poor boys have learned a lot about themselves in the last six months because I have not been there to do it. It was great because I was talking to Jackson when I was in Europe about, you know, about achieving things. And I said, I'm done talking about it. I'm just gonna show you.

And that to me, parents have this parental guilt of, I feel a lot of the time, like when they're striving in their profession and having to maybe travel or do big hours, there's this guilt that, God, but I'm not there for every little thing, every sports day, every breakfast, every dinner at the table. And there's guilt guilt. But then on the other hand, you see these parents who literally give up their dreams, their own dreams, so they can be at everything, including every dinner, every pickup, and they're miserable and they're hurting inside and they get to 55, 60, their kids are 18 left home, and it's too late.

And even I would go back slightly more into that and say that I'm a firm believer that, that as children, we need to find it within ourselves. Like, if that, if your child is doing something because you're watching it, they're not doing it for themselves.

Yes.

And so that might mean that they give up sport or they change sport or they're honest enough to tell you that they're a lifer. And what a lifer means is that they're going to exercise for life, not just to be a baby Olympian, you know? And I think to me, that's really important. So I, I decided at 13 to give up competitive New Zealand representative roller skating because I realized that I was a lifer. I realized that I'd do sport for life, and I loved my sport and I love doing things. But I realized that there was other things inside of me that I could feel with every cell in my body that I wanted to do.

How powerful is that?

And I think that there was a time when it was when Mom and Dad pulled back that I could make that decision and go, I don't really care whether you think it's a good idea. dare I not, I'm going to university and that's what I'm going to do.

That's so empowering to hear because often we're making decisions based upon what we.

Think other people think.

I know. And screw that. And the one thing I've, over the last six, seven months, getting to know you, I see it very clearly. You make decisions based on what you want. You tell the world and the people around you in that world, this is what I want and I'm going after it. And it's not that you push people aside, it's not that you don't include others on that journey, but you're very clear there's North so I'm after it. Are you with me? And I love that.

And I would probably, it's been seven years in the making before I've started to tell people what I actually want because I've been weighing up myself and Jackson and all of those things. I remember when I went to Japan, I took, I quite often take a book and I take a journal and I do every single exercise in that book. And I did take this one book and by the end of it, I knew that what was most important to me was myself first because if I'm not here, my family doesn't matter. cause I'm not here to witness it anyway. And then my family and then my work. And that's been really hard for me to sort of comprehend because all my goals are like work. It's like, that's the most important thing. But actually, I'm most important. And then my family and then the work that I do.

I love that. So, Dai, you have this realization that actually I'm gonna go all in on me. I'm gonna go all in on my career. What does that look like? If someone's listening right now going, what does Dai Foster do? What does a week in the life of Dai Foster look like? professionally.

So I'm a coach to accidental business owners. I have a bit of a show on accidental business owners with the boys from Between Two Beers.

It's now- I'll put a link in the show notes for that.

It's now on their main channel. So every two weeks we have a live coaching session with them and I do keynote speaking. That is pretty much it.

That is what I do. Amazing art.

I am amazing. Yes. So I share my story, but mainly now I'm talking about more of, you know, how to live our best life and how to get the most out of ourselves. And it's a lot around the stories that we tell ourselves and, you know, all of those sort of good stuff.

I'm gonna put links in the show notes right now because there's gonna be curiosity and people want to follow your journey. So I'll put all of your socials in your site everywhere that they can connect.

Thank you.

No, not a problem. So I'm gonna circle right back around whisper number two.

Yes.

Around food.

Yeah.

Around what we put inside.

Be natural. Go natural.

Go natural. Yeah. Okay. So how important is that and how do we actually do that?

Well, the first thing is, is it looks different for everybody.

I love that.

And it's not that I'm saying that we should all remove ourselves from the medical system because I don't believe that at all. It was just at that time, there were no medical options for us. for me. So I just want to be really clear on that. Do I limit any sort of outside, you know, drugs and things that I take? Absolutely. I'll always go towards lifestyle first. That is just, I've always done that right from when I was 17. So I continue to do that now because I am a sensitive person and it makes more sense to, you know, hit things at that level, the root cause, more than just the, the symptom level. So how, I, I think it's way simpler than people think because I think everyone wants, everyone wants that golden pill, you know, just the magic pill that's like all the answer. And I don't believe that there is one. And I think that we all need to do it in our own way. So I could tell you what I eat and how I look after myself.

That's what people want. They're like, what was the exact thing you did and how did you do it? Because I'm going to do exactly the same thing. for me. But what I'm hearing is, James, no, no, figure out what works for you.

Yeah.

And test things.

And I think I read somewhere, I'm sure it was you that said, you know, you said to someone, you know, you'd done yoga and you were eating this and you were on your vegetarian meal and all that sort of stuff. And they were like, yeah, but I've done this, you know, and the thing about that is I eat slightly differently now than I did then, because now I'm at this age and stage of my life where it's perimenopause, menopause, and that has a massive impact on our ability to perform in well on mine and some things around there. And there is no way that they will put me on any hormone replacement therapy. So I have to manage my symptoms and my underlying hormone changes by myself, you know, with the lifestyle things that I have. So for me, that is, I take a number of supplements. I generally always take them in the most natural form I can because that's the way my body likes to digest things. And then all my food I try to be nourishing and I love the word satiated because that's really important for me at the moment that I feel satiated. But I know that like if I tried to eat the way you do, I would be driven up the wall within about 2.1 seconds.

Yeah.

Because I've never done particularly well on carbohydrates and I've never done particularly well on processed foods. So everything I eat is very like whole foods. So I'm much more likely to, you know, I like to eat nose to tail, you know, and lots of vegetables and, you know, natural foods around that and oils and things like that. So mine is quite a dense diet. So at certain times of the month, I'll definitely be eating, you know, liver and things like that. And it's not that I eat a lot of them, but I definitely feel the difference within my body.

You're very intuitive in how you do it as well. Like, as you said, it's not strict. and I find that there's a big movement towards intermittent fasting, and we should all be fasting 18-6 or whatever it is. But when you start to look at the nuance, it's actually, well, no, men and women are different. People at different ages and stages are different. People with different maybe challenges within their own health are different.

So because of what I've been through, I have what's called bronchosectitis, which is like the non-smoking version of CPD, I think it is. So it's not bad, but, you know, like I've always known because I have no IGA. that chances are, you know, you talk about dying, you know, I was told at 25 what I'd die of. Well, I was told that, you know, chances are I'll die of pneumonia or emphysema.

Yeah.

Highly likely. So the point is, again, let's not worry about that. Let's worry about the living bit.

Yeah.

You know, so I. One of the things about bronchitis, bronchiseptitis, is that if I eat too much, at once. It literally, I, it's not that I can't breathe, but it restricts my breathing. So intermittent fasting was one of the worst things that I tried.

Because it condenses the period of time that you need to eat within and all of a sudden you're feeling like crap.

I literally, you know, it's not that bad, but it's like, that's how it feels to me.

Wow.

Because, and also, like, I'd like to be really kind to my digestive system. So it's like I have about six times during the day that I can eat and I just check and go, you know, like before I came today, I very consciously quietly went and had, you know, a soya coffee and had no food because I knew that that was the right thing for what I was about to do. And, you know, because I didn't want to sit here, you know, thinking, oh, I'm full or, you know, so I try to go, there's about six times during the day that I could have food. It depends on I live TV shit because that's really good for the age and stage that I'm at. And so I'll always eat before I train now all those types of things. But, you know, like, I know today I'll only eat three times because of what I'm doing.

Yeah.

And that's okay.

You're so, again, intuitive and flexible with it. It's not this rigid, fixed thing. And I think that's the message we all need to hear is find what works for you.

And I'm really rigid about some things and super flexible about others.

What are the things you're rigid about?

I have to be rigid about, like, moderation does not work for. So moderation doesn't work for me with alcohol. It doesn't work with me with sugar. It doesn't work with me with lots of things. I'm just actually, I just would sooner not do it.

So avoiding those things just totally?

100%. I just don't drink now.

Yeah, I understand.

And I've always gone through life where I've had five years where I don't drink and then I drink a little bit. And I found that I started drinking again during COVID and like there is no research that shows my understanding is that there's no research that shows that a glass of wine a week is beneficial for a woman. Yeah. Because last time I checked, we are not many men. And like, I'm a real advocate of this. I just believe we need to start just embracing being woman and the fact that we are different. I don't want to be a man. I understand that that means in certain areas it seems unfair. but actually, the all that I bring to the world has made me the person that I am, and I don't want to be, I don't want to diminish myself by trying to be a man.

Why would you?

And also, like, to put this in perspective, I was eight years old and had a key ring that said, any woman that strives for equality with men lacks ambition.

Wow. Wow. I love that.

So there we go. And we just need to, It's, yeah, and I get that we do play in the same park at times, but it's like, But we're different. and sometimes I think we're actually playing the wrong game. Yeah.

I think we need to figure out what game we want to play and most of us struggle with that. What is the game I play? And then we spend so long trying to figure that out that we never.

Get to play the damn game. So I realized that I was having about seven to eight years out of the workforce and I read up about all the research that shows that I was going to be really struggling to catch up and all of that sort of stuff. And I looked at my husband and he was earning twice as much as I was. and, you know, as I was coming back into the workforce and I thought, oh, that's a wrong question, Di. How do I bring all of what I've learned through taking time out, being a mum, being unwell, to absolutely make sure that I'm earning five times what my husband is.

I love that.

So I'm almost at twice.

I love it. Keep going.

Yeah. 100. And he my biggest cheerleader. He is like, you go, babe. It's like, okay, here we go.

This comes down to mindset again. Like just rewiring your mind to go. There's other ways. There is another way. I don't have to jump back into that old workforce and say, I've been out for seven years, so my pay stays here while also everyone else that stayed in is up here. There's no reason for that at all. You decided there's another way.

Yeah. And it did take me longer to get there, but I also knew that it was more exponential than. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look where you're at right now.

It's. I'm pretty happy.

Phenomenal.

Not there quite yet.

I'm getting there. But I love it. You keep taking these big swings and.

You'Re very clear on where you're swinging to, like, there. That's where I'm going. And the more I talk to you, the more I'm clear that that's one of your big drivers is knowing where you're headed. Yeah. And you do it daily. You don't do this, you know, for the next five years, I'm going to do the thing. It's today I'll do the thing. And in five years, like, God knows, it's going to be incredible where I am. But you're very conscious about that.

I think it's really interesting because we just talked about being present. We talked about being solely grounded and being present. I think I've had to drag myself out of that a little bit and be a little bit more intentional about where I want to go. Because I think one of the things that was happening was that I was a little bit all over the place. It's part of the reason I connected with you last year and did your rewire course was because I was like, oh, there's just so many things. Because I I also believe that I cannot dream big enough. And I love that thought. Like, I I say this to Seamus all the time, mate, you cannot dream big enough because I can see things in him that he can't see. And so even for myself, quite often I like to hang out with people, and I've. I've probably. It's been my downfall recently where I've kind of wanted other people to see it for me and. And not just go, actually, I've got this feeling. And with every cell in my body, I believe it, and now I just. to keep each day. I just need to take one more step towards it. And I'm very much on that path now. But I think sometimes when we put goals in place, it's almost like we limit ourselves. So now it's kind of like I have this really clear idea of where I want to go with not great limitations on it, like really expensive and open. But I'm really clear on how I want to feel because that's my why. Like I want to feel expensive and that I have choices and that I don't have to work if I don't need to. And so all of those things things I'm very driven to keep working towards, but not with a, you know, like, I have a target of what I want my net worth to be, but only because it's more than my dad.

There you go, Dad.

Only because my dad's like, rolls his eyes. I'm like, you know, it's that because it's more than what you are. And it's just like a game to me. Then it becomes a game. Like, and it's like, it doesn't matter whether I double that, halve it, it's still okay. It's still perfectly okay. You're in the arena and you're having fun. Oh, 100%. And it is the game that we play, you know, and it's like once you get to take care of those basic things, it does become quite fun.

And it's interesting because Caroline and my partner is very playful and she looks at, well, how can we have fun whilst we're doing it? Like, let's, like, if we're going to be doing the big things and the big goals, how do we want to feel? And the more research I do in this, because I'm like, I like, I like facts and figures and stuff like that. So Joe dispenza has done a lot of work around, you know, the quantum physics epigenetics. genetics. And essentially, if you can harness the feeling, so a million bucks, whatever it is, focus on what it feels like to have that rather than the number.

Yeah.

Because we're actually, money doesn't bring us really anything. It creates feelings. And so the new car, if you're into cars, like, that's a feeling you have when you're driving the car.

Yeah. I'm just going to interrupt.

Yes.

That is so important. If you have been captivated by hearing me talk about my story, the one James has just touched on, the one thing that was really important to me. So when I talk about the fact that I lived day by day, I had figured out what I wanted my ideal day to be like. And I inserted that feeling each and every day. So the main thing was that I had time and space. I still do it today. I do not like life if I don't feel that I have time and space, because then it feels really restrictive. So the very thing usually when people have terminal cancer is they feel that they have no time and no space because the world's kind of closing in on them. So even though my world got incredibly small, it got very small and that's how I created time and space. So one of my goals when I was diagnosed was I thought, I reckon in 365 days, I can live 365 life life times. And that was my way of creating time and space. Sorry to interrupt.

No, that was beautiful.

I totally agree with you. It's about what is the feeling I want to have when I have this? It's this. How do I have that now? And in doing that, and this leads right back to all of the things we're talking about. In doing that, you bring that thing closer. You absolutely. So I do this thing, which is 10, 000 days. I know that if I get down to the real Crux of that, that's my why. and then I know how it is that I want to feel. And then I reckon those goals I can get within five years instead of 27.

Unreal.

And that's how you shift time. Yeah.

You're like compressing it.

Yeah.

And I firmly believe in that. I believe in focusing on feelings and I meditate on the feelings. So, for example, I lived in the city, had done for 15 years, and something inside me said, you need to see the ocean. You need to wake up and you need to look the ocean. And so all I would do is sit in the city, in the little apartment, close my eyes, meditate on how I would feel looking at the ocean. And I thought, that's a 10 year plan. 12 months later, I'm looking at the ocean. I'm like, God, I manifested the feeling and stopped focusing on the dollars in the sense and all the tactical kind of masculine things I might focus on. Let's focus on the bigger picture of how I feel. Same with relationship. How do I want my next relationship to feel? How do I want my next client to feel, oh, that's not gonna feel good. I'm saying no to that client. And that has served me well.

I couldn't agree more. It's, I, we've talked about this last year. I had a bit of an influx in clients. And so I just kept everyone on a little bit of like a, what I call more of a trial, you know, so that we only got, and I was just trying to suss out who I really wanted to work with and, and who I really served well, who I did great work with. And, you know, now that's changed this year, because it was never going to work doing that long term. But that's okay for that time and place. But I got really clear on the feeling that I get when I have the right client. It actually, I can feel it. And funny, I went on a podcast, told everyone that 90 of my clients were, were 40 year old males, and I flipped that on his ass. I have more females now than in. But that's where I think it's really important to know what it is that you and to know that you can't dream big enough and that it's not... Yeah, I was just looking at some of the things I wrote down at the rewire last year when I did it, and some of those things have changed and they were the best things that ever happened and that I didn't get them. But I'm really flexible in that. You know, I thought I was gonna be building a channel with the guys for business in between. We killed it. Best thing ever. Now I'm on their main channel. channel, but it's almost like it's given me so much time and space in my head that it's made me realize that I'll only do that on the main channel because I'm live coaching, and that's what I do. I don't want to build a podcast. I'm just happy to do that bit. You know, I'm at a different age and stage than you guys, so I'm gonna do it differently. I love that.

And you do it your way, and you're. You're in love with doing it that way.

It's enjoyable.

Yeah, I love it. And it's interesting you talk about the rewire. when you signed up for the rewire, I was like, my God, it was like the best feeling. Why? Because I have so much respect for you. And the first thing I thought is, what will I learn from die?

This is so funny because I came to your high performance day and you went, die. And I just was like, looked around and was like, James, you know who I am. And you were like, sweetie, everyone knows who you are. And I was like, you have no idea how much I just lit me up. I was like, oh my God, James Lachlan knows who I am. And it was so funny because I was sitting there with Jamal and, and then you mentioned the rewire and I was like, oh, it's a no brainer. And Jamal goes, you,'re gonna do it? I said, I've just paid for it. And he was like, how did you decide? It's like, oh my God, you know, when you give such extraordinary value in what you do, sometimes I buy people's books, not because I'm gonna read them, but because I just appreciate the value that they bring to the world. And since I've really started doubling down on that and actually going, you know, I did your second rewire. I probably shouldn't have because of the time of year, but I was just like, oh my God, James, this is too cheap. Have my money again. You're the best. But it's true though. I mean, I won't do it next time. I'll just send you my money and say, I'm not going to do it. But, you know, and I've sent you, you know, one of my clients, you know, has done it and she's loving it.

Oh, it's so cool.

It is really cool. And I will continue to advocate for, you know, the great work that people do. 'cause I've always known something about myself is that I have always wanted everyone in the world to do better than me. And possibly because I think that I've always known that I'll be okay.

You're an abundant human and I feel that when you talk and when we share ideas and challenge each other, there's this idea that actually there's room for everyone to succeed here.

I haven't always been abundant in my, like I have with money, but I've always worried about money equally. And so I really feel like I'm testing myself these days. days about money. I'm kind of like, oh, yeah. Like, I I wrote it down the other day because, you know, you said to me last year, dive, this is what you need to do. And I was like, okay, James. And then I messaged you this year, and I was like, okay, the goal was 10. I'm at seven.

You're like, good girl.

I was like, yeah, I know. Thanks. I'm so proud. And so that I get so excited by it. I know. I'm just so proud that I could say to you, you told me to do this, and I did it because you were right. And I knew you were. What I didn't realize was that in doing exactly what you told me to do, it would take the cognitive load off the sales side of month by month money. And that is like almost like addictive. It's like, oh, I just get to do the work and not worry about that. And it's like, given that my natural personality is to worry about money, that's a great gift. So thank you for that.

Hey, I'm just so, so glad that you're doing what you're doing for the world and the more people can get to access you and the right right people that you get to serve at the level and to remove the money thing from it. So you can just focus on being the best version of Dai. How lucky are your clients? Like, you do great work.

And even just the conversation we had last night, just creating space to do that. I went to work today and I wrote down like the model when we were everything fitted. And I was like, oh, look at that. Look at us go.

You're epic. And I want to bring it back to the third gratitude, be grateful. Please tell me more about that in your words, what that means.

First and foremost, like there's not a single day that goes by that I'm just not like so grateful that my feet are still on the ground. I just can't, I just can't. I can't put that into words how grateful I am to still be here. I never expected to be. I never expected to see my 13 year old. I never expected. I didn't expect a lot, you know, but I'm so grateful for it. And I'm just exceptionally. I'm just great. I think that in life, if you can be grateful when it feels really, really shit and you don't have a lot to be grateful for, Then when times are good, you're like, let's go, baby. You know, I just think that in the West, we focus on what we don't have rather than what we do have. And in the East, they focus on, you know, like, I'm really grateful. I'm, you know, I'm not homeless rather than why am I not Kim Kardashian or whoever someone wants to be? I wouldn't wanna be here. But anyway, so I feel like for me, I'm I'm very grateful for what I do have now. So, you know, this is after, you know, 50 years of sort of, I would have said to you, hey, James, I'm not that bright. You know, I'm not academic, you know, and I, I'm, I'm right. I'm not that bright and I'm not academic. I'm 100% right on that. But instead of telling you that now, what I'll tell you instead is, James, I am undiagnosed dyslexic. I absolutely love the gifts that that brings me. And my brain does work in a slightly different way to some people's, but I love the gifts that that brings me. And I am doubling down on those gifts.

That's so beautiful. You are reframed how you look at that. And it's interesting, when you say to me, James, I'm not bright. I'm like, God, I give my left arm to have your creative brain and how you see the world how you've got so much. And I think that the traditional education system, as good as it is, has its limitations and puts us in boxes of your IQs, this or your capabilities, that. You're a living example of like, screw all that. If you want to run traditionally and do your thing traditionally, cool. But if you want to do your own thing and create your own world and market, do that.

And, you know, like the education system works really well for my husband and my son. And, you know, like I went to, you know, my 13 year old self would love to know that she is, she got to be board chair of a school and that she gets invited to the University of Canterbury to do, you know, talks and lectures and things like that. She's like, every time she goes, she's like, imagine that.

The rebels met in here.

Exactly, it's like that is. But we say the rebel and I have been, but for a lot of my life, I was just trying to do the right thing and trying to fit in in the right way, where now it's like, I do have my little sketchbook and write things in the way that my brain remembers them. You know, like whenever I do a talk now, I just get a white piece of paper and I link it all up and I go, oh, there we go. And, you know, if I ever think I'm gonna forget, I just would open that and be like, that's right. This is where we're going. Powerful. You know, but I never have because I just am present. So, yeah, that the dyslexic thing is super interesting. And, you know, of course my dad's dyslexic, my sister is my nephew is just like, of course we are. And I I think that there's so much power in acknowledging the skills that that brings. So as a six-year-old, I was asked to come to the front of the class and read to the teacher. And every time I didn't know the word, I was humiliated by getting the brightest girl in the class, Janine Knowles, if you're listening, to come up and she had to tell me what the word was. Well, by the time she sat back down again, I had forgotten the word that she said. It was always who, how, those words just all jumble up, you know? and from that year on, because we had like three reliever teachers that year, from that year on, I made sure that I was friends with everyone in the room. So whenever we had to read out loud, I would just nod to the person. And I. I never read out loud for the rest of my schooling career. Not once did I have to read out loud. Even a room of 12 people, the teacher would not notice that I'd never read out loud.

Wow.

And the skill to be able to do that, I'm. I'm impressed with myself.

Unreal.

You know, like to be able to have the foresight to go, that was painful. I don't want to do that. Let's do this over here.

And look at your ability to connect with humans. And it almost inspired you to connect, double down on influence, persuasion, if you want to call it, but building genuine connection where people are like, I want to stand up for it. I'm going to do that. Right. That's really powerful. Yeah. And look what you do now. You bring people together. You elevate people. You help people succeed in their businesses and lives.

And again, it comes back to, again, reframing. My mother told me two things. As I, as my father was giving me two poems to inspire me to build my life, my mother was telling me two things. Die. Shut up. Just for five minutes, would you shut up and stop bossing your brothers and sisters around? Well, you know, I have much joy in reminding my mother that they are the two things that I'm extremely well paid for now.

Yeah, 100%.

That's my point. They might have been her weakness that she saw in me, but they're absolutely my strength.

100%. We were talking about that as well, just your strengths and your weaknesses. As humans, there you go. Good example of when you were a kid, doing things that maybe irritated others or frustrated others. Now you've turned it into literally a superpower. I love that. Now before we wrap up, I've got a couple of things. So we've got a very final question for you. But before that, I do want to just say like this world is a better place for having you in it. I'm so glad that we've got to share space like this. I'm glad, really, that we get to share a lot of time off air, supporting each other in different ways. It's amazing. I'm excited to see what the next few days and weeks and months bring you and the people around you. I feel like there's a lot to come this year, and I'm excited to bear witness to that. For anyone that's listening, just take half a second, go to the show notes, follow, die, connect with I'll put everything that she's featured on in the show notes. Please follow the journey. I feel like there's a book or five coming in your world. You've got so many stories to tell.

That's so weird. It is five. I've always said that I'm gonna write five books.

I just felt that.

Yeah, there's so many that's giving me chills.

There we go. I'll buy all five. Multiple copies.

Don't you worry, you'll get them.

Same copy please?

Yeah, absolutely. You'll see them before they go out. going die.

And publishers that are listening, can I just tell you right now, get on the wagon real quick and send her the best possible deal you've got because she's going to have multiple. So, D, last question. I actually, as I'm about to ask this question, there's a slight hesitation as I'm about to ask it. So this question has never changed. And the reason I'm hesitating is like, because what we've just covered in what you've went through and journeyed through in your life. I am almost thinking, Should I ask it, but I am going to ask it. If we pretend for a moment to fast forward many years into the future, and you are highly aware that it is your last day here on earth, and someone very young that you just love dearly comes into the room and says, Dai, how do I lead my life on purpose. What would you say to them?

Just live in today. Don't wait till you know what your purpose is. Please don't wait till you know or you think you know what your purpose is. And when you do think you know what your purpose is, you're probably not quite right. So just lean into and live and love and laugh Justin today as if it's relaxed.

So beautiful. Dai, thank you for sharing that. That's powerful. And right from the start of this conversation to the end, you've been deeply present. You've brought everything to it. And I know the listeners and viewers will feel that. So until next time, thank you, Dai.

And thank you for the beautiful work that you have brought to the world so far. And I equally will have my cheerleading thingy jigs because I will continue and will always cheerlead the shit out of James.

Thank you so much. That means the world. Here's to many more years having fun cheerleading each other.

And just in case you wonder how I wake up every morning, just, this is really important how you start your day. When you meet an individual in your life that has an impact on your life and you're like, man, you have just the right amount of Irish accent in you. I think I could wake up to you every morning. Just so you know, my alarm goes off in the morning and it's in the kitchen and it's going, Top of the morning to you. Now get your arse out of bed and get on with your day. And it keeps repeating until I make it to the kitchen. I've only given my husband a heart attack once when that went off and he was like, Jesus Christ James, what the frick?

I love it. Thank you for sharing that with the world too.

On the rewire, I was like, James, can you do this for me? And he got it and I just love it. Every morning. Top of the morning to you.

I love it. So good. Dai, thank you so much. The Lead On Purpose podcast is sponsored by NZ Mortgages. Learn more at nzmortgages.co.nz. Thanks for tuning in to Lead On Purpose. If you find this episode valuable, please share it with one person that you think might benefit from it. And if you're serious about leveling up, please make sure you're subscribed to the show and continue to lead your life on purpose.