Navigating Conscious Leadership: Building Connection and Empathy in the Workplace with Meredith Bell

Creating your own reality. Is it possible for me? I am Jennifer K. Hill, the Consciousness Architect, and I am here to tell you that it's not only possible, it's closer than you might think. Welcome to the show. Hello friends, and welcome back to another episode of Regarding Consciousness. I am Jennifer K. Hill, and I am so honored and grateful for your time, your listening, And for playing in the space of consciousness with us today. There is a new friend who is joining us today who I love her book. Can't wait to have her share a little bit about it. And I love her philosophy and light. She has been helping to grow strong leaders, as her company name suggests, for over 4 decades right now and is one of the foremost experts in the world on leadership and on human connection, as we'll talk about in her book. Meredith Bell is the co-founder and president of Grow Strong Leaders. Her company publishes software tools and books that help people build strong relationships at work and at home. Meredith is an expert in leader and team communications and is the author of 3 books and hosts the Grow Strong Leaders podcast, which I might add is one of the top podcasts in the world. She has co-authored her latest book, Connect with Your Team: Mastering the Top 10 Communication Skills and Peer Coaching Made Simple, with her business partner, Dr. Dennis Coates. In them, Meredith and Danny share— provide tools and how-to guides on providing— improving connection and communication at work and serving as a peer-to-peer coach to others. Meredith, it's such a pleasure to have you on. Thank you for honoring our guests with your time and your energy today.

Thank you, Jennifer. I'm very excited to be here with you and about the conversation we're about to have.

Yeah, it's, it's beautiful. I love to have these conversations for consciousness. This is actually how it was all birthed about 4 years ago, as I started a different show called Conversations for Consciousness. And as you and I were speaking before the show got started, That's what life is about. The more that we're able to bring our consciousness, to bring our awareness to how we communicate, the greater our capacity to thrive and to most importantly have those in our lives thrive out of our ability to communicate more clearly. So I'm so excited to talk to you about this in your book on human connection.

Thank you.

So perhaps, Meredith, you could start by sharing why this matters to you. I'm always curious of the genesis of your story. Why does human connection and particularly leadership matter to you?

Well, it started when I was working inside of an organization and realized when I had a fabulous boss and then one not so good back to back, that the kind of leader who is working with you matters. It really makes a difference. And it got to the point actually where I needed to leave that organization, leave the whole profession. of education that I had originally committed myself to. And one of the things that just has always been of interest to me is the people side of any organization. And I just made the commitment when I left there with, by the way, no business background at all. So I just believed in the importance of helping people learn how to communicate well with each other. So I discovered what to do, how to do that with organizations that I started working with, both at the leadership level and the team level. And the more I worked with them and I saw what a difference it made when they understood better how to speak directly with someone else instead of keeping it to themselves or gossiping with someone else about it or complaining to others. And it's just been one of these things that has driven me all these decades. Because I see what a difference it makes when people know how to interact in a way that is taking care of themselves and also respecting and honoring the other person versus a lot of what happens in terms of drama and pain, unnecessary pain that happens in workplaces and in homes because people don't know any better.

I resonate very deeply with that, Meredith. Growing up in a household where occasionally people were doing the best they could and it was verbally abusive, people were putting each other down, putting themselves down. And you don't realize that when you're in that sort of an environment, it could be a work environment, family, romantic, that's then how you begin to talk to yourself. And there are repercussions. I loved in the book how you highlighted that. You might think that you're just trying to help somebody grow to be a better leader by saying, you suck. You can do way better than this. Like some people, I don't know, Steve Jobs, maybe Donald Trump, certain people would be like, that's a good way is you put people down and that's how you get them to perform better. But what you're really doing is you're causing PTSD. And in fact, I think 83% of US workers suffer from stress-related illness, from work-related illness such as anxiety and depression. I think it was the American Institute of Stress that gave that statistic, 83% of US workers. So what causes stress is this lack of human connection, this lack of psychological safety. And so I'd love to know a bit from you. I totally— I was telling you, I was geeking out as I read the book and sending like little snapshots to people and sending quotes. So share with us a little bit about how you've learned to better communicate with team members and how to help others do the same.

I think part of it has to do with the consciousness, the awareness that we bring about ourselves and about others. Because sometimes, and I've been, most of what I've learned and what I'm able to share with others is because I've walked in those shoes myself and learned what works, what doesn't. I think recognizing everyone has the need to feel That they matter and they want to be understood. So if we come from that spirit of knowing there's a human being in front of me here, yes, there are goals I want them to reach, there are tasks they need to complete, but let me assume the best in them. As you mentioned, people are doing the best they can with what they have and know in a given moment. As a leader, what could I bring to this conversation that would both affirm this person, help communicate to them, I'm with you, I'm on your side, so that we don't create this stress, the anxiety, people wondering, is it safe to be honest with this person that I did— I missed the deadline, or try to blame or cover up? What kind of environment as a leader do I want to create with the people recognizing That if I'm able to help them feel safe, secure, able to be open and honest with me, that I will get the best from them. They will sense that I care about them and their wellbeing. It's amazing to me how people, and unfortunately it's still too many leaders, that feel that cracking the whip, being critical, is the way to get compliance. Yes, you might get compliance, but you're going to lose the spirit of that person. You're going to lose their commitment, the popular word engagement, because they're going to shrink back. They're not going to give their best because they don't trust you. And that to me is the foundation of everything. As a leader, what am I doing to trust others and also earn their trust in me? As the person who is with the responsibility of guiding them to perform at their best.

I want to go a little deeper on this, Meredith. I remember there was a client I was working with a few months ago, and he very clearly told me, Jen, I feel like yelling at the team is the only way I can get stuff done. It's the only way. And thank God we did some work together and we helped him to transform some old limiting beliefs because a lot of this comes from societal parental, familial limiting beliefs that we just ingrain in ourselves inadvertently. So how do we cultivate productive relationships with high morale where people are satisfied, managers are satisfied, and hold good boundaries without being rigid or demeaning or degrading? What's the secret sauce to that?

K. The first thing is, how do I wanna be treated? Would I respond well if somebody yelled at me? Most cases, no. And so I think, and it's the first skill we talk about in the book, and I think it's one that is under— misunderstood or underestimated in terms of its value, and that's listening. If we can approach another person from an open, curious mind, Where we recognize, if you think of a large circle, we maybe know a small dot of what's in that person, what makes them tick. And so if we can learn to ask questions, not in an inquisition kind of way where we're firing one question after another, but we're making an effort to understand what's behind their actions so we don't make assumptions about bad intent. We assume the best. And with that kind of a spirit, people feel the difference. We all are energy, as you well know, and people feel a positive energy or a negative energy depending on who we're being in the moment and what we're bringing to the conversation. So if they sense that we're genuinely interested in learning more about them and the reasons behind why they said what they did or did what they did, then it opens the door for us to gain a better understanding of that person. Now, listening is challenging for a number of reasons. One is we have so many external distractions going on. And so it's important to make a commitment to turn off our phones, to shut down our email, and really give that person our full attention. That in itself is rare. The other one that I think is even harder is managing our own internal distractions. And these are things like preparing a response to what the person is saying as they're speaking instead of really absorbing what it is they're saying, because we're missing stuff if we're focused on preparing a rebuttal, Explaining why we're right, judging what they're saying. All of that gets in our way. Also our own beliefs and being aware of our thoughts that are coming to us as we're listening to this person. And if we can be gentle with ourselves, we'll be more likely to be gentle with that other person, just in terms of our willingness to hear. So we don't start criticizing ourselves. Oh, Meredith, you're getting off track again. Just focus. So that I really hear that person. And then to be willing to state, what am I hearing you say? Here's what I'm picking up from you. And am I right on that? So we check it out. We don't assume that we're right because I've been guilty of thinking I know what the person said and then jumping into a response and then them pointing out to me, that's not what I meant at all. So it's checking the message after we hear and listen with an open mind and an open heart to see, is this what the person is really saying? I think that sets the stage for real connection with another person.

I love that. I often share a story in a talk I do called Cracking the Code of Human Connection: Lessons I've Learned with Asperger's. And one of the stories I share is Sometimes I didn't realize it because I only got diagnosed about 5, 6 years ago as being high functioning on the spectrum, but I would be very focused. It's a gift. It's a blessing and a curse. I could be so wildly focused that everything else fell away. I couldn't even hear what other people said. So if I was working on a spreadsheet or something complicated, somebody might be trying to get my attention. And I will always remember this one day, Meredith, there was one of our team members who I loved. She was very close and really important team member to us. And she had needed something in the middle of the day. And I think I was doing payroll or some complex mathematical task. And she had said, J Hill, that was my old nickname in the old industry of the company I ran. And I said, oh, you brush people off. I don't have time. Like, you just can't even be with it. I have something much more important than you, which is essentially what we're telling that person when we brush them off, whether it's a spouse, a child, a colleague, a friend, whatever it is. And granted, there are times where you need to do that, but there is a way to do it. And in that moment, Meredith, I felt like that spidey sense in the back of my head that felt, nah, something's wrong. I might not have handled that as graciously and great, as graciously as I could have. And so fast forward, it's almost 5 o'clock. Everybody else had gone home from the office and it was an open-air office. And so she's the last one there and about to leave. And I just felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. And I said, do you mind? Can we talk before you go? And she looks down, doesn't even wanna look me in the eye, and you can tell she's upset. And to your point, I said, I get the sense that you felt dismissed when I blew you off earlier when I was working on the spreadsheets and I ignored you. And I want you to know I'm sorry and that you are important to me. And we were sitting facing each other and she broke down in tears and she wound up just sharing her heart and saying, you know what? You're absolutely right. I was going to go home and look for another job because I felt completely dismissed and like I didn't matter. And I thought I had been being a good employee. And so it turned into this beautiful conversation. We're still friends to this day. She stayed on with the company long after that. And to your point, it's calling out that somebody may be upset. In fact, I think there's a brilliant person named Doug Knoll who wrote a book about this. And another friend had told me about a technique. that one of the quickest ways in 90 seconds or less to defuse a situation is using Doug's technique, which is if somebody's upset to say, it seems like you're really upset. Or even if they're angry, you're angry right now. And acknowledging how somebody's feeling and having them feel seen and heard and known in that moment can dissipate like a level 10, about ready to explode situation. And drop it down to a 2. What has your experience been with that, Meredith?

I think that's so accurate. Thinking about what you were just describing is empathy. It's paying attention to what somebody else is experiencing it and imagining what it's like to be them in that moment. And then acknowledging it either by, as you said, asking a question, are you angry? Or Observing, you seem pretty angry right now, and giving them a chance to respond. That again goes back to we wanna feel we matter, we wanna feel we're understood. And when we make that observation, they realize they are being seen. And that just— And your willingness to apologize, I think that's one of the things that often holds All of us back, but leaders in particular sometimes feel, especially those that are, let's say, new to the position or less secure in their positions, there's this fear that I'll be seen as less than effective if I apologize, if I admit I'm wrong, if I acknowledge being human, basically. And one of my favorite CEOs ever, Gary Ridge, who's retired now from WD-40, Said his 3 favorite words were, I don't know.

Wow.

Because it helped him stay in that growth mindset as a learner, always wanting to surround himself with people who were smarter than him in different areas. So he was not only not threatened by it, he welcomed that. And he just wanted to assure them I don't have all the answers. A wonderful coach that I know who's actually an internal coach and works a lot with executives in her company and has worked in other companies said the key thing that a lot of them struggle with is the need to feel they must be the answer person to everyone. So that puts a lot of pressure on the leader to feel like, oh, I'll look foolish. I'll look inept or incompetent if I acknowledge I don't know the answer to that. When in fact, one of our most important roles as leaders is to teach others to think for themselves, to help them realize their full potential. We can't always be spoon-feeding answers to them. For one, it deprives them of the opportunity to solve problems themselves. And come up with ideas. It's so much more effective if they learn from us that they need to consider options A, B, C, and why they recommend C before they ever come to us to present the issue so that they understand we expect them to think through this themselves, that we trust them to be capable of doing that. The other thing that can cause problems if a leader is constantly feeling they must give the answers is it creates dependency of others.

Mm-hmm.

On them. And so their time is limited. They get bogged down with people constantly coming to them with questions because they're afraid of acting independently for fear of negative reactions. So a wonderful, I guess, exercise for thinking about being more conscious in this area: am I creating independent thinkers Or people who are dependent on me for the answers to everything. Because you were talking earlier about the person who wanted to explode with others. Whenever we have that sense, I always want to ask the person to go back to themselves. What is it about yourself that you're frustrated or angry or unhappy with in this moment? Because what we're wanting to project onto others is always a reflection of something that's going on within ourselves.

Deep wisdom, Meredith. I couldn't agree more with you on that. And I think one of the other things that I found, and I think you touch on this in the book as well, is to also repeat back and get clarity with people. There was a funny story in the book where you share about your friend who's an attorney and the woman comes in wanting a divorce and she— do you remember that story? Where she keeps saying things and she's making no sense at all. And then she's complaining, I want a divorce because my husband's a horrible communicator. It turned out she was a horrible communicator. And often I think we had, who was it? Dr. John Demartini on the show several months ago. And he said, Jen, there was one once a day where I looked at all the people I had ever judged, all the attributes that I had ever thought were wrong in somebody else. And then I went through all 4,500 potential attributes of judgmental, egotistical, whatever it is. And I was able to see myself in every one of those moments that anytime I was judging somebody else, it was merely a reflection of myself.

And I find that when I am least tolerant of someone, when something somebody else does that really starts bugging me, Every time, if I slow down and look within, there's something about myself that's irritating me in that moment. It's easier to get frustrated with others than to look within at what is going on with us, because we're the only ones we can really control. And so when we think about, uh, one of my favorite books, which is probably one of yours too, is The Power of Awareness by Neville Goddard.

Mm-hmm.

And one of the most powerful stories in that book was about a woman who was a seamstress in— no, in New York theater. And there was one producer in particular who just drove her crazy. He was always critical of her work. She never felt like she could do anything. She spent a lot of time in her head having arguments with him. And so what And the chapter is all about attitude. So Neville Goddard said, here's what you must do. You must start imagining him complimenting you. Imagine him praising you and having these wonderful conversations and exchanges with each other. That must replace all this other negative that you're doing because you're bringing that thinking, you're bringing that energy to every conversation that you have. Their relationship was transformed, and it was not because of something he did, but it was because of how she changed how she thought about him and how she imagined their relationship. And I just think this is so powerful. If you— if each one of the listeners could think about one person who tends to irritate them the most and start imagining What it would be like to have a positive relationship. Why is this person important to me? What is it I do value about them? And we focus on that, then that's the energy we bring to the conversation. We don't have to say, I value you about this. They feel it from how we treat them and that energy that we bring. That to me is such a huge aspect of consciousness. With leaders, with us as individuals, whether it's how we interact with our team, with our spouse, loved one, family, children. If you have a child that especially is challenging for you, who are you being when you approach that child? Are you expecting misbehavior? Are you expecting something negative and the tension that will arise as a result of what you're expecting? What if you could switch that to be positive, loving, caring with that person and valuing them as a human being as much as you value someone you're very close to? Makes a huge difference.

You are correct on that, Meredith. It's so true. I think there are a couple of things I want to highlight for those of you listening right now. One thing that Meredith and I were talking about is to get curious. To get curious, to cultivate trust, to often repeat back to the other person what you think was said. To the example that Meredith gives in the book of the woman and the attorney, this whole woman's relationship was dissolving because she thought he was saying one thing and she was saying another, but it was like one person was speaking apple and another was speaking orange. So I always love to get in the habit of saying, what I heard you say, which is what I'm doing with you right now, Meredith, What I heard you say was cultivate curiosity, foster trust, repeat back to people the things that they're saying to be sure you're going through a process of clarification to get clarity. Was I hearing you correctly, or did I put my own interpretation on it? And then what Meredith just said, I'm going to piggyback on that. A dear friend of mine, Amy Levin, gave great advice. She said, before you go to write an email, Or make a phone call or do a Zoom, think or write down things you appreciate about that person every day. And then the feeling, we get that feeling sometimes, it's a really icky feeling when we get email, we're like, ooh, get that off of me. But sometimes your heart just opens up with joy and happiness when you get an email or call. And so what if we could bring that level of consciousness to every conversation Every family relationship, every work relationship. How could that shift how we live our lives?

You know what else is beautiful about that, Jennifer? It reminds me of something I learned from Dan Sullivan, who's the founder of Strategic Coach. He's fond of analyzing words and he analyzed the word appreciate. And of course, one of the meanings of appreciate is increasing in value like we expect stocks Or real estate to increase. What he challenged us on, because this was in a podcast I heard over ten years ago: What if you thought about that appreciation and increasing in value of every person you come in contact with, especially people who are important to your life or to your work or whatever aspect they fit in? And this whole idea of. Writing down or thinking carefully about why is this person important to me? Why do I appreciate them? What happens is they increase in value. They appreciate in our own minds. And when we interact with them in that way, this is to me the most powerful thing that can happen. They increase their own value in their own minds. So if we help someone elevate their thinking about themselves, that's one of the greatest gifts we can give to another human being, because everyone has the potential for greatness. But if we've heard messages all of our lives, you're not worthy, you're not worth it, you don't count, and gotten criticism, then to have someone else see our potential and help us have something to live into or up to. It's amazing what individuals will be willing to do then for a leader or any mentor or coach who sees that potential and is drawing it out and helping us. Because what happens, we feel so good about ourselves when someone does that and they see that in us. We draw We come away from that conversation going, I'm pretty hot. I am worth a lot. It's that belief in themselves that has expanded. And imagine what could happen if every person came away from conversations with that kind of feeling about their essence, their value, and their worth.

That would be the greatest gift, I think, that we could give to one another, to ourselves, and to humanity, Meredith. So that is why You're the woman for Growing Strong Leaders. And I'd love on that note for you to share, where can people connect with you more if they want to learn more about all this wonderful wisdom, the books you've written, the software you've created? Where would they go to do that?

Thank you. Uh, our website is called growstrongleaders.com. There's a Contact Me, um, link there if somebody wanted to set up a call. They can also learn about our various assessment and development tools. And my podcast, as you mentioned earlier, Grow Strong Leaders. I'm also very active on LinkedIn. I'm also on Facebook and Twitter, X. So those are the best places to connect with me. And I would love to hear from any of your listeners about their own experiences and any value that they have taken from our conversation.

Thank you so much, Meredith. Any words of wisdom or parting thoughts, something maybe I didn't get a chance to ask you that you'd love to leave our listeners with today?

I guess in the context of wanting to grow and learn ourselves, having the courage and curiosity to ask others about what I could do to be a more effective person in your life, whether it's me as a leader, how can I create an environment where you thrive? What is it you would love for me to do more of or less of? That would enable you to grow and learn? Asking people in your family, how can I be a better parent, a better daughter, son, whatever your roles are with the people in your lives, just to be willing to ask because they know our blind spots. They know what gaps there might be between what you're currently doing and what would make for an even better relationship. And I think ask it, setting the context of why you want to know this. So that they understand you're not asking it to put them on the spot, but to build a better relationship with them and to be the best person you can possibly be in their lives. And then they will feel more comfortable opening up and sharing, and you will learn so much that will help you become the best version of yourself.

Deep wisdom from Meredith Bell of Grow Strong Leaders, helping us to transform the lack of intimacy crisis that we find ourselves in this world. Let's go out. Let's get curious. Let's cultivate deep, meaningful relationships first and foremost with ourselves and then with the people that matter to us. Thank you so much for being here with us, Meredith. I'm grateful for your time.

Thank you, Jennifer. I've loved our conversation.

Always, my friend. Creating your own reality. Is it possible for me? I am Jennifer K. Hill, the Consciousness I'm Jennifer K. Hill, architect, and I am here to tell you that it's not only possible, it's closer than you might think. Welcome to the show.