Bullyology Podcast Episode 2 - A smile can change a life with Adam Farmer

Hello and welcome to The Bullyologist podcast. This is episode 2. I'm really excited today because I've got my first guest, which is Adam Farmer, the author of Harvesting the Future. Me and Adam met through a mutual friend at a personal development conference a couple of weeks back, and I knew instantly we'd have a lot in common, which would be personal growth and educating people. So without further ado, Adam, thank you so much for joining me.

Thanks for having me today.

No problem at all. So let's just get straight into why and what I loved about Adam's book. He was kind enough to sign me a copy on the spot, which I really appreciate. And that weekend I managed to read the full book. I couldn't put it down. It was brilliant. Um, so yeah, so Adam's mission is to educate people and share what he's learned in his life to empower others. And what I loved about his book instantly was he talks about how forgiveness is very important, which really connects with me because what I had to do was forgive my bully to move forward with my mission. When I was hanging on to hurt and anger, I wasn't going to succeed or move forward. And there's lots of other stuff that I love about the book, but Without further going into too much details, Adam, tell us your story, your mission, and how you decided to write the book.

Yeah, so first of all, Jess, thanks for having me today. Um, the book started with a vision, okay? It started with an inspiration, and it— to take you back now, probably about 8 years. So 8 years ago, I was in a job, I was with a partner at the time, and I thought I was going to go to school, go to college, get my degree, become a PE teacher, get married, 2 kids, dog, that whole lifestyle. In a matter of a week's time, I discovered life isn't like that. So it's not that straightforward, there's lots of obstacles in the way. So to cut a long story short, in the space of a week, I had a bit of disappointing news through my job, my relationship broke down, and I no longer wanted to become a PE teacher. So I was at these crossroads, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do? And one of my close friends sent me this YouTube video and we listened to this YouTube video and I couldn't stop listening to it. For the next 4, 5, 6 weeks, I was just listening to it every single day. And it was a video from Eric Thomas.

Okay, great.

Yeah, heard of him?

I haven't, only from in your book, I should check him out.

Yeah, so check him out. So he's my role model in this industry. So it was brilliant, it was empowering, it was talking about how bad do you want How bad do you want what you want? Anyway, so I was discussing what I wanted to do with my friend. I don't want to be a PE teacher anymore, I don't want to be in the retail business, what do I do? So then I carried on listening and I thought, well, instead of asking yourself what do you want to be when you're older, 'cause end of the day, who knows what they want to be, okay? There's that many jobs out there, from janitor all the way up to CEO, the variety's outrageous. So instead of asking myself what do I want to be when I'm older, I started to ask myself, what sort of lifestyle do I want? Do I want the house on the Hamptons, so to speak, or do I just want a simple life? So then, I still didn't understand what I wanted to be when I tried to answer that question, so then I started asking myself two separate questions. What am I good at, and what do I enjoy? Well, I have always loved helping people, from picking the bags from the shopping for me mum, to opening the door to a stranger. And then what am I good at? Well, I'm good at speaking. I'm good at speaking in front of people. I'm a very people person. But I still didn't know what I wanted to do. So I continued to listen to this video and then one day I watched this video and I thought, well, I could do this. I feel like I've got a lot of experience, I've got some experience, should I say, in helping people. So let's give it a whirl. So I started off with blogging and I started talking about forgiveness, self-confidence in these blogs. And then I started doing a couple of talks in high schools in my local area and I thought this could go bigger. So then I was like, I know, how about I write a book? So that's where the idea of the book started from. Didn't have a title, didn't know what I wanted to cover. Had on my walls in my bedroom, my parents' house, all this butcher paper with all these ideas and spider diagrams of what I wanted to have in the book and it changed weekly. So then I finally wrote it down I wrote down what I wanted to include in the book and I was doing everything about the book apart from writing the book. I was telling people, I'm writing a book at the moment, it's about this, it's about that, almost living off and feeding off their, how impressed they were. So the only thing I wasn't doing was actually executing, which is talked about in the book. So then someone asked me in the pub one day, why should people listen to you? I didn't have an answer for them. So, not that people shouldn't listen to me, I just didn't have a response to the question. So I thought, if I'm talking about following your dreams and living the life you're destined to achieve, I need to be doing that myself. So, that's when I decided to go traveling. And whilst I was on the road, I had a little Samsung tablet. All the tablets are available. And I just started writing while I was in a hammock, in a coffee shop, in a bar, on the beach, where I was just writing, writing, writing, writing, writing. And I think it was, then I got to Australia and then I stopped writing for about 12 months. Still writing notes in your phone as people do in this day and age, but I just didn't finish writing the book. Anyway, I was in New Zealand, in the South Island, beautiful place called Wanaka. I was working 2 jobs, 65, 70 hours a week and I had 1.5 days free a week and 'cause it was just so peaceful And so there was no distractions whatsoever. When I got into this coffee shop on the 1.5 days, I was just in the zone, okay? Typing away, and I wrote myself some goals, and this was the start of January. I thought, right, I'll have the book finished by July. Because I was just in that zone, 5 weeks later, so middle of February, I'd finished writing the book. So I finished writing the book. I knew what I wanted to have in the book. I knew how I wanted to have it looking, but it just didn't, I didn't have the answers. How do you get a barcode? How do you get— Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah, how do you get it looking like a book? How do you get it delivered to people? How do you get paid for it? How do you put it? I had all these questions that I didn't know the answer to. So I did what some people do, I procrastinated. I just kept it as a Word document and just carried on with my life. I then went to a seminar, which gave me the lift and the kick up the bum that I needed. And then within a week later, I'd got the manuscript sent off ready to publish, and 3 weeks later I had the book in my hand. And so that's basically how you've gone from, uh, an idea of how do I get— how— what do I want to do with my life to getting a copy of my book in my hand.

Yeah, and I can completely relate with that. Um, for me, it's funny that it took you like suffering adversity and like life-challenging situation to really push you to question, okay, and now I speak heavily on I'm grateful for finding my life purpose, but that came through a spell in life where I had to question everything. Obviously, I was in a toxic work environment, suffering bullying, um, relationships were not great during the time because, you know, my own, my own self-worth and confidence was on the floor. I really didn't know what I wanted to do. And it's pretty similar, um, I'd been working long 60-hour weeks on an oil and gas project, very tough, high-risk environment, and I was questioning, is this what I want to do for the rest of my life? Is there more to life? Why am I suffering so extensively for doing a good cause. And yeah, it made me question everything. And pretty similar to you, I think that you find kind of light in a dark tunnel when you're searching for answers. And for me, it was finding a life coach, Tony Robbins. And I can remember, um, I just ended up in a hospital bed, um, from suffering workplace bullying. And I was sat on the floor when, um, a Netflix popped up, and it was Tony Robbins' I Am Not Your Guru. I think you've seen that as well. And I can just I remember being in tears and I said, whatever happens, you know, I didn't know where I was going to move to. I had to leave not only my job but Darwin. Did I go back to the UK? Did I throw the last 3 and a half years of building a new life? And I just remember thinking, if I end up in Sydney, I need to go to this conference. And with a massive turn of events, somehow I ended up flying to Sydney, moving here, even though I was living in secret because of my trauma. I thought I didn't have much money after walking out of this workplace. You know, your whole life is thrown apart because of mine, which was bullying.

But I thought, I need to find that Yeah, I think that's something that I, I've realized in regards to money is you'll always find a way. Yeah, okay, there's, there's a lot of stress and like people, what do I do with my life? And it takes a lot of courage to step out of that comfort zone, step out of what you know. We've both done it where we left everything we know back in the UK and put everything in a bag and moved into a, literally the other side of the world. Yeah, um, and it takes a lot of courage and like I said you'll either find a way or find an excuse.

Oh, 100%.

So you, things that really matter to you more than anything, you'll find a way to do it. And then, like I said, everything happens for a reason. So the reason why you ended up in that hospital bed, or the reason why you went through what you did, is to create a greater purpose, which is what you're doing now through Bullyology.

Exactly. And that's what I always say, and I find with people as well, that if our life was plain sailing, how would we ever grow? And I think that we do have to suffer difficult situations, whatever they may be, you know, trauma, horrific things, um, because it not only changes us, we can find purpose within the carnage. And for me, you know, it was looking at a deeper meaning. So why has this happened to me? What can I learn from this? And whenever life throws challenging obstacles at me and I feel like I'm dodging a bullet every day in a business, you know, it's not always plain sailing but I've learned to kind of look at the situation from a third-person perspective and look down it and think, okay, so what can I learn from this? And it's the growth mindset. And I know the first time we met one another, you know, it was at a conference, a personal development conference, and it was all about growth mindset and using our life experience. And I think writing a book, for me, I never— I used to get kicked out of class all the time at school. I was always, um, every parents' evening it was, she talks too much. And now I'm a professional speaker, pretty similar, you know, and we're told that we have to fit into a certain box, and I would never be that person. So, you know, I'm a speaker, that's what I do. And writing a book for me, um, does— didn't come naturally at all. Mine was built on 3 and a half years worth of diary entries, and it did take, um, a lot of procrastinating, you know. And it's the imposter syndrome as well, where I thought, I'm just a bullying victim, who am I to speak about this topic? And, you know, do I know enough? I'm not an expert, I haven't got a PhD, But I think that doesn't matter, you know, everyone's got a book in them, everyone's got a story to tell and it's how we use our life's challenges, I guess, to help and empower others, you know, like—

Yeah, I think that's the thing, anybody can write a book, okay? For me, although it's probably the greatest achievement that, or one of the greatest achievements that I've—

Same as me.

Yeah, that I've achieved, anybody can write a book, anybody, 'cause all it is, it's just thoughts and ideas and words written down in a book, especially these types of books, these personal development self-help books, it's just, Especially this book, it's a cross between my experience with some famous stories, with some deeper messages and lessons in amongst all that. And just going back to what you said there, Jess, about trying to dodge the bullets and trying to dodge all the obstacles and stuff. A skilled sailor was never made in a smooth sea. You've gotta have those setbacks, those knockbacks to get to where you wanna get to because it makes you stronger. And just what you said there about what am I learning from it, I try and find some learning lesson in everything, whether I'm stuck in traffic in the car as frustrating as it can potentially be, what is this teaching me? Is it because if I can, I'll tell you a quick story actually. My mum usually gets, when she used to get the bus to work, she got on the bus and on a return journey she went to get the bus and the bus driver drove off too late, sorry, too quickly for her. So she had to wait for the next bus anyway as she was almost home on the bus and the bus that she was supposed to get on was in a crash.

Oh wow.

And she was like, what are the chances that I've not got that bus and that bus has been in a crash? So thankfully, of course, I'm glad the driver drove off without us, so to speak. But I just think everything, you're always learning. What am I learning? I'm sitting in traffic, right? I'm learning to be patient.

Okay.

It's about that. I know we'll probably touch on it later about that, remove negative, removing negativity, but just keeping that positive mindset through absolutely everything. Oh, it's raining, I don't want to get wet. I love walking. Yeah, yeah, I love walking. I love listening to music whilst I'm walking. So always try and find that positive. And that's something I definitely, uh, say to the viewers today. Yeah, find that positive in something that you're doing because it's the difference between touching into that growth mindset. What am I learning from it? How can I make the best of a bad situation?

I think, yeah, definitely. And you know, in a society we're living in, um, where we are comparing ourselves to others, so you know, the moment we wake wake up on social media, you know, and people do this all the time before we actually become present in the moment. We are picking up our phones, looking at social media, and we're already on the back foot because we're comparing ourselves to other. So, you know, a big thing of finding a kind of gratitude within the moment and even through adversity is, um, yeah, just kind of not putting yourself on the back foot to compare yourself to others. And I think as a society, we automatically go into the negative and the victim mindset, and You know, resilience is a big thing, and I speak about, um, Bullyology's 12 steps to building resilience in my book. And life is a roller coaster, and it's like having that resilience. And it's a word that we are hearing more now, and there's a lot of like resilience workshops, and I do one myself. Um, but you know, you need to kind of build up resilience because, you know, when you step into a workplace or you're a young person, um, you know People have different personalities in an environment, and I know I suffered bullying, but throughout life, not everyone gets on, and it's kind of, you know, finding peace within that.

It is. And just touching back there on not comparing yourself to anyone, especially for young girls out there these days, there's so many inaccurate representations of what life is, from these bikini models to these glam dresses. Like, she's always out, how can she always afford to go out and have nice dresses. And the reality is, is that they just borrow them and it's not actually their stuff, or they'll Photoshop. Or— and when you wake up there at 6, 7, 8 o'clock in the morning and you've got bed hair and you're not feeling your best because you've just woken up and you're scrolling there through all these, these inaccurate representations on bikini models on the phone and stuff, you can't compare yourself. And social media, as amazing it can be in a platform to progress yourself, it's also a very dangerous place if you're If you don't use it correctly, it goes back to that saying, are you using your phone or is your phone using you?

100%. And you know, for me personally, when I met Adam this morning and I was saying, I've had such a long, busy week, I'm really not on today. I'm just, oh, I'm tired. And you know, I could feel myself falling into, you know, that kind of— Yeah. And it was the point where, you know, I had to pull myself out of it. We've got a podcast. I need to get myself out of that. Change my state. And, you know, it can be recognizing when you are feeling down or low, or, and then, you know, having their strategies to overcome. And that would be me just saying to Adam, come on, this is going to be great, the universe has got our back. And, you know, and I, it's self-talk as well, where I can talk myself into a spiral of self-doubt. But on the flip side, we need to have strategies or mantras or affirmations that can pull us out of that dark space.

Yeah, I think it's that thinking piece, and it's about controlling your mind. I remember reading a book a few years ago, The Chimp Paradox, and it talks about your mind management and the chimp inside your head and there's so many times I remember I was doing an F45 12 months ago and as I was doing it, it was waking up at half 5 in the morning to get there for, I think it was a half 6 lesson and I woke up and it's all dark and it's middle of winter and you can hear the rain against the window, yeah, it does rain in Sydney, and I was like, I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, I don't wanna do it, but I knew the people I was going to would not let me hear the end of it if I didn't. So I just had to snap out of it straight away and just pull up your socks and do it. And it's not about doing something when you want to do it. You've got to do it because there's other people out there. So you've turned up today because there's other people relying on you. There's other people wanting to hear this conversation that's going on. And as soon as you make it about yourself, that's where you're then going to go downhill.

[Speaker:JESSICA HICKMAN] Exactly. And that was very much relatable to my bullying experience. There was days where I couldn't physically get out of bed. So, you know, long 12-hour days. I was getting up at 3:30 AM in the morning, pushing myself to go to the gym 4 till 5, to jump in the car 5:15 and drive out an hour to the job site, work for 12 hours, working with people that were relying on me. You know, I was running mental health and culture programs, sometimes sat with suicidal people when, you know, if you're not feeling your greatest self. So, you know, I'd put on my mask each day and I'd unfortunately decided to put my own happiness aside to help people. And I have absolutely no regrets when I say that, because for me, you know, I'm born kind of wanting to help people, a bit like yourself, from the age of 15, working in youth clubs, volunteering, um, youth programs. You know, I've always been that person in the workplace that puts your hand up and, you know, goes that extra mile to help other people. And, um, yeah, and sometimes you just kind of like have got to break through Yeah, you have to.

Yeah. And someone for myself, and I'm sure you're the same, Jess, the— I just want to be the best version of myself. I'm obsessed with progression. I'm obsessed with, with, with achieving and being the best version of myself and feeling like I've achieved and accomplished something. Um, but there's been times in my life where I've been around people, whether it's relationships or family, where they've dealt with either bullying or anxiety or depression and stuff. And being around those people and there isn't, um, I don't know too much about it, so I'm not going to go into depth about, um, why you're depressed or how it's triggered and all that side of things. But being around that environment, first of all, there's two points I got from it. First of all, just being there for somebody is, is enough sometimes. Sometimes they just need someone just to listen to, someone to vent to. And but the second one, probably the most important one out of the two, is you can be the most ambitious, the most driven, the most confident person, but if you're going through either bullying or anxiety or depression or anything along those lines, sometimes surviving is enough. Sometimes just waking up and you know it's going to be a bad day and just getting through to the end of the day is enough. So don't feel too hard on yourself because everyone's going through their own battle. So you can be the most driven, the most confident person in the world, but if you are going through that sort of thing, sometimes surviving is enough. And don't feel hard on yourself if that's what you are doing.

Oh, completely. And, you know, after being, um, well, suffering bullying for a long period of time, I openly talk about how, you know, how my mental health was affected by that. And, you know, on the outside I have— and I am, I am a strong, bubbly, confident, confident person on social media. Even at the, you know, the heat, the heat and the peak of my bullying, you know, my life was perfect. We're living in Australia, we go to the beach, you know, what have you got to mourn about? Um, and, you know, behind the scenes I was suffering and not even a lot of my colleagues knew. Because I was able to be that person for other people. And that comes to the point where, you know, we put so much pressure on ourselves to conceal how we're really feeling and use social media.

And that goes back to the social media piece we were just talking about.

Yeah.

Because I've had, oh, you have it, when you was traveling, traveling, or should I say new experience, it isn't about the sunset picture, isn't about the people you meet, sorry, it is about the people you meet. There's so much more than just a photo that you can, oh, you're living the best life. I remember, I've not spoken too much about this either in the book or out publicly either, but there was periods over the last couple of years where I felt little bits of depression and anxiety and I remember I was in a hostel one time in Thailand and I just locked myself away and I previously posted all these nice photos of how travelling is according to people and I just remember taking a photo of that hostel just for myself saying, this is what traveling is also for me. So there's gonna be good days, there's gonna be bad days, but you just gotta get, try your best to reach out to people to get through that.

Yeah, and I think it's important as well, and like credit to you, and you know, I read this in your book where you talk about packing up your life and moving to the other side of the world, and I guess that takes guts and balls. And because, you know, it's not easy. And I had a perfect life back home, and, you know, my family are great, they're very supportive. And I love how you speak up highly of your parents in your book as well. I love that because, you know, I'm the same with mine. And people would say to me, you know, why are you quitting your job, moving the other side of the world? I was in two managers' positions, running youth clubs in the evening, working, you know, in a manager's position full-time, just finished studying. But I always had like this this and hunger for more. And at the time I was in a relationship as well, you know, a very wonderful loving relationship. And I had to make the conscious decision, you know, to break down that relationship to grow myself. And sometimes you do, um, and I haven't spoke about this before, but like, you know, you do outgrow people as well. And you know, when you are becoming successful, you know, I've written a book and, you know, on the outside there's people that have gone like, wow, um, and there's a lot of people in your life, I guess. And I'm very lucky, I've got wonderful family and friendship group. But there are people that will, for me personally, that told me, you know, you're speaking about bullying, you're making yourself unemployable. And there are people that are unhappy in themselves, and we'll touch on energy vampires after this. Um, and they don't know they're doing it consciously, but you know, they're, they're bringing you down. And I think you need to, people really need to be mindful of them, other people, because it's more direct reflection of them than you.

Yeah, absolutely. I always say, um, control what you can control. There's so many people out there, and in the past, myself included, where you've had something to blame. You're, oh, this is— I can't achieve this because of this, or I've not been able to do this because of that. Or you're going to pick a pair of shoes up from the shop, they don't have my size. And it's, it's how you— it's how you handle that situation determines your, your mindset and how Okay, so I'm going to get this item, or I'm going to get this, and it's not how you wanted it to be, or it's out of stock, or there's traffic so it's taking you longer to get there than when you get to, or I wanted to, with the book, I want to get it out by this date and I didn't because I didn't know this and that and the other, and you're going to, how you handle that situation is all going to revolve around the people you're around. Because like you said, they, uh, you don't know you're doing things consciously, but everything that's happened in your life has led up to this moment. So whoever you're hanging out— if you don't like your, your life, change your, change your decisions, because it's your decisions that shape your life.

Exactly. And yeah, and that leads us on to the energy vampires. Like, for me, when I was working in a toxic environment, you know, there's people— and for example, my bully, who would even be in his presence He— I felt like he was sucking the blood out of me like a vampire, but he was just sucking the energy out of me, and nothing I could do was ever good enough. And there's people, you know, that I speak about, you know, I speak to a lot of people who go through bullying and like different challenges in life. And, you know, there's people that, you know, where does this come from? It's learned behavior. You know, if you lose your self-worth or confidence, like, is there someone in your life that has brought you down, absorbed your energy? And, you know, I'm conscious enough to make the decision to value the time I give and spend to people. And I think we're very lucky over here that we have been thrown into this environment where we build our friendship group through choice, not because we had to go to school with them or we had to live— then our neighbors or we live next door. And, you know, I— there are people that, you know, over the, I guess, past couple of years are friends, but more acquaintances these days because I value, you know, my personal development. I've got personal development friends, friends that are on this growth path with me, and then I've got my party friends, but, you know, I'm spending more like less and less time in like party environments when before I was very much of a party person. But like, as I'm kind of developing now, I've realized being in like environments, you know, where we're out partying all the time, like the next day, or that just absorbs my energy and I'm unproductive through the week if I've gone out and had like a big bender on the weekend. And, you know, we've drunk all night, gone to bed at 6 AM, and back in the day I would live for that.

And I think That's what it is, it comes down to what you're, 'cause there's areas when I talk about, when I do workshops and seminars in schools and colleges and it's not about, nothing's permanent in life, okay? So, especially between the ages of 14 and early 20s where you're going through those early stages of, you have your college, your school friends and your college friends, your university friends, your holiday friends, your travel friends, the friends you would go for brunch with on a Saturday, the friends you wanna go to the pub with, the friends you play football with or sports with, and you're— especially for me back in England, back in the UK, I had different friends for different people. And you do outgrow people. And I think some people, they say, oh well, I've been with that person, I've known that person for so many years now because I went to school and college and played out with them and bike rides with them, I have to stay friends with them. And it takes, takes— once again, it takes courage to one day turn around and be like, I love you as a friend, we will go for a beer or we'll go for a drink or we'll do this, but for me to get to where I wanna get to because of my dreams and my goals, I can't hang around you because you're just sucking the life out of me. Or there's that saying, show me your friends and I'll show you your future. And when you surround yourself by those driven people, it inspires you and drives you to do more. But when you surround yourself by people who are essentially living for the weekend, and there's nothing wrong with those people, But if you wanted to get somewhere else, you can't jump, you can't get on a plane to LA and hope that you arrive in Paris.

Yeah.

Because although it's a form of transport to get to your destination, what is your destination?

Yeah, it is. And you know, the 5 people that you spend the most time with, you become.

Exactly.

And I'm lucky, you know, I'm getting married next year and, you know, my partner Troy is like 100% supportive of everything I do, you know, and You know, he stayed in where we were living in Darwin. He was earning good money while I moved to Sydney, and we done a long distance for a year after not being together long. Supported me at the end where I was walking out of a workplace bullying. I met him kind of in the end where, um, of my time in Darwin where I just didn't know what I wanted to do with the future. Super supportive, flew to Sydney every month for the year and kind of like all of my dreams and to create this business. He was is 100% behind me, every idea I have. And, you know, and it's really important as well when we choose to share our dreams and vision with people. And same for my family and my friends, it's never, that sounds ridiculous, you don't have the money to do that. You know, it's always just work it out after, just go for it, pursue it. And we all, we always do work it out.

Yeah, I think having a support network's vital. Like, like I talk a lot in my book, my family are everything to me, um, And I think you've got such a strong family behind you, uh, not necessarily supporting you in the things you want to be supported in, uh, so to speak, but giving you those values and those shaping you as the person. Because of course you're like a piece of Play-Doh when you're a child, and like you said, however they mold you— did they spend family time? What sort of conversations do you have around, uh, the dinner table? Because if you've got parents who are, let's say, career-driven, uh, and they're talking about business and all that sort of stuff around the dinner table that child or those children are more likely to go in that sense. But if they're talking— if your parents aren't there, then as you grow up, you don't know what it is to have that support network around you. Friends as well, you're— he said they're more acquaintances. And I, I see myself now, I've got acquaintances or family. And like I said, there's not really that so much as a friend because everything's so temporary. Um, but going back to lessons, it all ties in. That's what I love about this sort of stuff, is it all ties in because everything's temporary. And what you're learning from that person in that period of time. So I came out of a relationship last year, and we was together for 2 and a half years, and I could now sit in this chair today and go, oh, what a waste of 2 years. We went traveling, and now all my travel videos and all my photos and all my memories I can't enjoy because I'm not with that person anymore. Or, oh, what was it? I learned so much from that person, and that person helped me and inspired me to get to where I am today and helped me with the book, helped me with my ideas, helped me with the support, moving across the other side of the world, she was there to help and support me. So I'll, I'll be grateful for that. And it didn't work out, we've gone our separate ways, and but I will never leave a bit. And that comes down to forgiveness because we left on, uh, we left on good terms, so there was not really that much to forgive. Um, but in terms of keeping peace in your mind, and like I said, that growth mindset, right now you need to keep moving forward. And the next person might be a few years. What am I going to learn? Friendships, right? I've been with this person for 7 years, let's say, through college and through university, right? What have I learned from that person that I can take into my next, my next stage? Have I outgrown that? I've not really learned. That's absolutely fine. We had a great time, now let's move on.

Yeah.

Um, and I think with that whole, that whole friendship piece and that, that circle of influence— gotta talk about circle of influence— choose who you have wisely in your circle, because if you don't have the right people in your circle then you're not gonna achieve what you want to achieve. And that could, your circle of influence might be slightly different to my circle of influence, might be slightly different to someone's circle of influence who wants to become a CEO. Once again, slightly different to somebody who's just happier with a 9-to-5 job and enjoyed the lives in that environment.

[Speaker] Yeah, definitely, and you know, I can completely relate to, you know, how does every encounter or relationship in your life like teach you something? It's either a lesson or a blessing, I say. And like, for me personally, my workplace bullying at the time didn't feel like it, but you know, it's the greatest gift now. I think I have always kind of lived a cushy life where I'd never gone to a low to the point where it has taught me a lot about myself, where I can not only personally kind of look at that experience and read my diary entries. For me, I, you know, it's when I actually opened them up to look at my book, I didn't know I was actually that low. It was quite scary to know that how low I was.

Yeah, I think it's great, just to touch on what you said there, I think it's great how you've taken your, your biggest doubt, not your biggest downfall, your, your biggest nightmare, so, so to speak, with your past experience, and you've turned into something so beautiful that other people can learn and grow and feed off. Um, Adele's the same, the singer. Uh, yeah, she's gone through— she went through hell and she turned into a Grammy.

Yeah, 100%.

She turned it into a platinum-selling album. What you're going to do with your pain, what you're going to do with your setbacks and your rejection, and shay— what you're going to do to make it something beautiful.

Absolutely. And you know, it's a big around, you know, on this podcast, you know, the art of forgiving and, you know, forgiveness for everything that we have done to people. And you know what, we've— people that have kind of challenged us to help us grow with like forgiving any past relationships, you know, any kind of people that have hurt you, kind of like set you free. And a big thing I say in the media is, you know, forgiveness removes fear because, you know, when we've got fear in our lives, everything that we touch and do feels like it's never going to be enough.

At what stage did you learn about forgiveness?

Um, I think I was very— I'm very grateful that when I was in the peak of my bullying, I found meditation, mindfulness, and this whole holistic practice because I you know, even the most resilient people crumble. Um, and I was able to stay in that toxic environment probably more than most. Um, people say to me like, why didn't you walk out? There was a number of reasons. You know, when I was on a visa, you know how that feels. Um, I was actually doing a good cause and I was frightened of letting other people down, and I didn't want to be pushed out of a company, um, a country or a company by a bully. Um, but you know, during that time I had to find strategies to help me not only survive but thrive, still be high functioning, still being achieving, you know, still winning all these awards. And I think during that practice of finding like mindfulness and gratitude in the present moment, I started to have a look at, okay, so, and this touches nicely on a lesson your teacher taught you, and I'll just give a bit of an overview of what I learned. I learned that, you know, when people feel that they need to inflict pain on another person, It's not often about the person they're inflicting pain on, it's more about the bully or the person that is being nasty. And for me, I had spent a long period of time retracing my steps, second questioning, you know, I started to believe that I was not good at my job, even though on the outside I knew I was. You know, you start to have, when someone is programming into you that you are not good, you're not worthy, you know, you start to kind of like question that and it starts to get drummed in. And for me, finding that balance that kind of like holistic and mindfulness practice. One of the— I can remember going to a workshop and it, you know, where I learned that lesson. And when I started to look at it from that perspective, it was, okay, what are you going through as a bully to make you, you know, to feel like you need to kind of inflict so much pain on a young girl just doing her job? And then I started to look at him and, you know, the forgiveness came after I started to kind of feel empathy for him. So, you know, what has he suffered in his life? What has he gone through? You know, what is he going through now? Because people don't automatically become nasty. It's, you know, it's a behavior, like a coping mechanism, I guess.

Yeah, I think with, um, like I said, because there's different types of forgiveness, because there's probably some people listening, listening today saying, oh, uh, somebody's murdered somebody, how can you forgive them?

Okay. Yeah.

And I think the, the message that I put across in the book, and I'm sure yourself as well, Jess, is forgiveness does not mean you go back to how things were. So if you was, if you was all, for example, I'll just use my example that I do in my book. You're with somebody, they may cheat on you, and then you think, oh, I'll forgive you and then we can just go back to it. Forgiveness doesn't mean you go back to how it was. Forgiveness means that you've found peace with it and then you can move on your separate ways and you're leaving that bitterness behind. Because with forgiveness as well, sometimes they don't realize that you have that anger and that hate towards them. And so you could be walking around having all this anger filled up inside you, affecting your mindset, affecting your decisions, affecting the way you're living your day-to-day life, and that person's walking around like, like they're having the best time in the world. And so why let somebody bring you down when they don't even know that they're bringing you down? Yeah, so I forgive you for what you did. Now I can move on with myself. I've put it to bed. And touching on with your, with your, your example there, Jess, where you've been bullied in the past, and I think once again it's having that, that mindfulness and that gratitude for what, what do you, what you do have. Because, um, my teacher, she said if someone says that they're bullying you or they're saying nasty things about you or trying to bring you down, it's because you're higher than them, um, or they want something that you've got. And like you said there, a little bit of empathy because as I've got older, the people that have said nasty things to me or tried to mock the book or what I'm trying to achieve, and you'll find it's nobody in your same circle that are doing that. It's always people from different circles. So I think just keep, as soon as you remember who you are and what your abilities are, the game changes. And then that comes into the self-confidence piece and the gratitude piece and keeping your eyes on your lane. Winners focus on winning, losers focus on the winners. So just keep in your lane, keep looking forward. In one of my workshops, the Every Path Starts with an Inspiration workshop, I've got a photo of the swimmers of Phelps and I think he's doing the butterfly and he's got his eyes on the prize and then the guy in the lane next to him is looking at him And I think it's such a powerful photo because when you know your worth, and they say when there's no enemy within, the enemy outside can do you no harm. And if you're content with yourself and you know what you're worth, then nothing can get in. So just really do a little bit of soul searching to realize how good you are, because everybody's amazing.

Yeah.

Even the bullies.

Yeah.

There's some, the best in the worst of us, and there's some worst in the best of us, because none of us are perfect, right?

Yeah, and that's a perfect message, you know, as we move forward as, um, ambition people, ambitious people, you know, we've got a purpose and a mission, and that is to help inspire and help, you know, people move forward and help them grow. And I think, um, if we can just focus on our mission, and I think that comes with competition as well, we can, um, often compare ourselves to others, and especially in our, in our space, and, you know, stay in our lane, just focus on what we're doing. And for me personally, when I stepped into the anti-bullying space, of course it amazing organizations around the world doing wonderful things. And for me, you know, I was reaching out to these people and saying, hey, look, I'm not in competition with you, how can I help your mission? And that comes from a place where, you know, I'm kind of in this to help and inspire people. And it's such a big topic, and, you know, I can't do it alone, and it's going to take, you know, um, a sea of people to kind of like come together. And I think for me, when we kind of are working with a bigger impact and purpose, and that's kind of how we're gonna need people and to work collaboratively with people and I just think it's a good space to be in of—

Yeah, I think another message I say through the book as well is don't compare your chapter 1 with other people's chapter 17s because I could, for example, I could look at people who are way ahead in their career than me, they've got the website, they've got the sold-out seminars across the world and the touring and they've got 4 books out and I could be like, I'm not where they need to be, I'm gonna stop. Because I'm not them. So you need to really, if you're going to compare, compare apples with apples. Where was they at their chapter 1 and how can I achieve the same if not better in my chapter 1?

Yeah, I always say the only person you should be comparing yourself with is the person you were yesterday.

Exactly.

So, you know, each day if I do one thing and if that's wake up and, you know, I make one call or I help one person and I, what I really loved about your book is a smile can change a life.

Oh, absolutely.

And for me, I was like, that's so true. And, you know, I touched on the last podcast. For me, each day I wake up and, you know, I set an intention for the day, and that is to help one person. And, you know, often there'll be days when there's 40 people in my workshop, or 100, or depending on the size of the seminar, you know. And even, you know, there can be people that are there, you know, especially when you talk about workplace bullying. Like, sometimes go and people are like, oh, you know, what are we in this for? And I hope— and I share the message with them— is take what you want from this, but, you know, you may be able to then be upstand and help one person. So as long as I'm impacting one person's life, I know it's a job well done and anyone else is a bonus.

Exactly. And that's what my first lesson was when I started on this whole self-help personal development journey. If I had a room full of 100 students, I thought my goal was to inspire and change the lives of 100 students. But like you've just said there, if you do one person, you've done your job.

Yeah.

And just going back to the how a smile can change your life, when you told me we was going I'm gonna touch on this subject slightly. I thought, let me just smile at as many people on the way into the office today and smiled at 11 people and got 11 smiles back. And I think especially when you're working in a fast pace or living in a fast-paced environment like a city, everyone's just got their head down and they're going crazy, whereas when you smile, it almost gives permission, it's okay. Life's okay, life's gonna be okay. Whatever issue you're going through, it's gonna be okay. And some people will recognize you, you smile, you smile at somebody and when you finish listening this on your laptops or on your phones, just go smile at as many people in the street and see how many smile back because you're gonna get at least 90% of the people smile back.

Yeah, I think it's really important and you know, we are with the emergence of technology is we are losing the human touch and connection. And I read an article this week about how it's important to smile at people who are living on the streets because they are often invisible. I know for me personally, when I was in my head a lot about the time, like, no one's listening to me. I reported my bullying 32 times. I know you cannot compare to feel, you know, but there's certain people where, you know, they— you can be so lonely and have all the friends in the world. And for me, when I would be, um, working and I was suffering bullying, I was in my head, and, you know, there was a big group of people, I'd be surrounded by people, but I'd never felt so alone.

I think that's the worst type for when, like I said, when you're on the, for example, if you are homeless and you're on the streets and you've literally got nobody. But I think the worst type is when you're, you've got all these people around you and yes, on, on the surface you're smiling, but deep down you've gone through such a tough time. Um, or you're around people and you still feel lonely because people don't think it's ordinary because you've got a smile on your face or you can socialize. And so Reach out.

Yeah.

If you are going through tough times, reach out because there's always someone listening. I think we're losing, without getting off topic, I think we're losing far too many people on this earth due to suicide. Yeah. And a lot of it, especially with men under the age, I think I read a phenomenal stat the other day, 74% of suicides under the age of 50 are men.

Yeah, there's a, I don't know the stats.

Yeah, it's something along those lines. It was an outstanding fact anyway. I was like, crikey. But yeah, the, when you feel alone, there's always someone out there and if a smile can just make someone feel 1% bigger, and then someone else smiles at them, that's 2%. And it's just those little percentages and it's not big changes people need to do. Whether it's in business, whether it's in life, in relationships, friendships, whatever you're doing, work, 1% every day, and there's a, you do 1% every day, you're gonna go like that. So it's gonna be amazing.

Yeah, absolutely. And you know, and just touching on business there, you know, I remember, I always remind myself that even, you know, CEOs or big business people I pitch to is they are human beings as well. And they've got their own issues and concerns. And I think when we strip back titles and just smile and connect and see how we can help people And when we go from kind of like, when we operate from a heart center, and for me personally, it isn't about, you know, the wealth and the money. And like, I don't, I'm not driven by that. I'm driven like what really ticks my box and lights me up is, is the impact and that, you know, smiling at people, connecting with people and seeing how I can help people. So I think, yeah, we've touched on a lot of points on this podcast, you know, from energy vampires to forgiveness, removing of fear. But just a takeaway for them from the listeners, and I think what Adam said, you know, really go away from this and just smile at people. And I think asking the question and connecting with people that we love, friendship, you know, it's— we often lose people to suicide and we had no idea what they were really going through. So making that human connection and asking people, are you okay? Are you really okay?

Yeah, I think that's where, especially with the day and age now where We're getting more and more technology. I think I read another article this week where there's more TVs than people in houses in America. I said technology, we're using so many ways now to connect to people, but we're actually getting less connected. And business isn't about business, business is about people. You look after people and they'll look after your business. Relationships, it's not about your gifts, it's not about that Michael Kors bag or those concert tickets or anything like that. It's about how are you— we touch on that in the book. All the relationship is, is two people that refuse to give up on each other. Friendships, it's not about going to the pub or going out and going to the cinema. It's about being there for them and when they need, need you most. So whether it's work, whether it's relationships, whether it's friendships, it's all connected to people. And if you've got those people skills and you're with yourself and you're happy with yourself and you're confident in yourself and you know what yourself want to do you know how you can help others. It's all connected to people, so life's about people.

Life is about people, it's about human connection.

Human connections.

Okay, well thank you very much. Thank you. Just for the listeners, where can they find your book?

Yeah, so you can find the book in several ways. It's on Amazon, it's on Barnes Noble for those over in America if you're listening. It's also at www.seedforsuccess.com.au. Or.co.uk, and also it's on harvestingthefuturebook.com as well.

Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for taking the time today. Thanks for having me.

It's been fun.

Thanks.