In this monologue, the speaker explains how workplace bullying often hides behind charisma and “banter,” making it difficult to detect. Bullying is defined as repeated, intentional, health‑harming behaviour. The speaker shares concrete examples—unrealistic deadlines, being blamed for tasks never assigned, and off‑hand comments that undermine appearance or competence. They describe the bodily sensations (tight shoulders, clenched gut) that signal micro‑aggressions, and discuss how power dynamics (e.g., senior leaders laughing or ignoring abuse) normalize the behaviour, creating a bystander culture where witnesses feel compelled to stay silent. The speaker emphasizes the importance of recognizing when one has become a bystander and outlines that there are actionable steps to shift the culture, even when the perpetrator holds authority.
Chapters
And I would say that people that bully others are usually really adept at being charismatic, making out that it's banter versus bullying, and are really subtle in their approach. So, bullying is defined as repeated, intentional, health-harming behaviour. So, the bully has intent and is repeated in their actions. So, when mine started, it would be subtle comments, that others would hear, but often could be in private. They would be, um, it would be setting unrealistic, um, you know, work time frames, or being in a meeting with other managers and accusing me of not executing, executing a project or a task that they never asked me to do. So it's really interesting, and it's sometimes really hard to notice. But with regards to workplace culture, and I say time and time again, we can often feel something's not right in our body. So whether we're in a team meeting and someone makes a comment that's a joke or banter, but, you know, it can be underpinned with sexism, racism, undermining someone on their efforts, appearance, race. Often we can feel that in our body. And on reflection, I've been in many meetings where comments would be made and, you know, my gut would clench, my shoulders, and often we go, oh, 'That actually made me a bit uncomfortable.' But what happens if that's the cultural norm, Charli, like you mentioned? People tend to look at the highest-paid person in the room when a comment is made. What happens if the CEO laughs, or is the bully or perpetrator, or, you know, the harasser, or says comments like I would hear, 'Oh, you two, just stop,' or pretends he didn't hear the comments at all? Because it feels too hard. What culture does that set? And in my book, I talk about, you know, bystander cultures. What happened over time was the bullying, the negative comments, the sniggering under breath, the name-calling, the undermining of my efforts and attack on my appearance became such a norm that people would know it was wrong, 'cause they would come to me afterwards and say, "Oh, that was a bit fruity," or, 'Jess, that must look, you know, sorry that he said that.' But ultimately, the culture was set that in the team meetings, they were just allowed to get away with it. And that's really why I focus my work on helping people identify where they've become a bystander, because there's many actions we can do to change that pendulum. But again, it's really hard, particularly when there's a person in power that is inflicting the pain on another.
