040 Derrick Hayes-Words Of Encouragement

Most people say recognition is important to them, but our own SL15 survey indicates that lots of leaders are still a bit miserly when it comes to giving it out. Let's see if we can improve our recognition factor with Derek Hayes on this episode of Walking the Walk. Inspire, empower, and guide people to their very best. These are the people who are walking the walk. Your host is The original Sensei Leader, Jim Bouchard. Derek Hayes is billed as America's number one encouragement speaker, and I can tell you from experience, spend a little time with Derek and you will feel encouraged. I met him when I was doing my first podcast, and Derek came on to share some of his WOEs. Now, he wasn't whining or crying. WOE is an acronym for Words of Encouragement, and Derek knows how to encourage. Today, he's going to help us encourage others. Derek, thanks so much for being with us.

Oh, thank you, Jim. Thank you. It's a blessing to be in your presence.

Likewise, likewise. You know, it's been way too long. It's way too long. Listen, right, in so many of our workshops lately, this is one thing that comes up a lot, and one of the questions that we ask is, when's the last time that you really, you know, said job well done to somebody in the workplace? And it's interesting because very few leaders say that they do this daily. Quite a few say they'll do it, you know, regularly, although we don't really— we have to ask them questions to bear down and see what that means. And quite a few, pretty alarming numbers, say rarely, and a few even say never. What are some easy ways that people can really turn that into a discipline and start encouraging people? And tell us, because it's the most important thing, isn't it? One of the most important things we can do as leaders.

Right, right. You can get more out of people when you putting more into people. Many, many people focus on the problems instead of looking at the solutions. Many people look at what people do wrong instead of looking at what they do right. Think about this. Sometimes, you know, when you're in a relationship, the person you with, they come home, they're talking to you about what's going on wrong. You didn't— you left one dish in the sink versus you had the whole house clean. You know, you had one, you know, one leaf in the grass versus the 99.9% of the grass is clean, right? So it's like the theory that you have 24 hours in a day and one moment can mess up the whole day. One moment that lasts 15 seconds could take 23 hours or 45 minutes, and you know, so many seconds out of your We take the little and it covers up the— we take the bad moment and it covers up all the good that we've done.

That's true, isn't it? Why are we so obsessed with that? I mean, because I'm guilty of it too. I, I hear you as you were talking. I could think of days when I allowed that to happen.

But I, I know I listen to— the greatest teacher is the self sometimes, you know. And how do you want to be? How do you really want to be treated? And you have to really treat others like that. You have to do your best. No, no day is perfect. No person is perfect. But the more you can encourage others, the more others will be there to encourage you. The more you lift them up, the more you talk to them. Everybody knows what they do wrong. I, I asked myself a question— no, a question was asked to me, and it was like, can I help you? You know what I mean? They weren't forcing anything on me. They was like, can I help you? And so now I don't give advice to people. I say, are you, are you open for a suggestion versus me telling you what you should do? Yeah, right. And then when, then when they're open, you know, they're more willing to hear what you had to say.

Yeah, I get caught with that sometimes. And I actually asked this— I've made it a habit to ask this question before someone You know, once if they want to hear my opinion, I said, do you want me to be nice or you want me to be honest?

But yeah, you try to, you try to find the good, right? And like my father, he was, when he turned 80, he was like, he wanted his flowers, you know, he wanted his own party because he wasn't, you know, nobody's promised tomorrow. So we just try to just try to celebrate the greatness, you know, you're gonna have, you're gonna have negativity, you're gonna have problems. You know, but if you look for the positive, even when you have a negative situation, more times than not, you better find a way out or find a better way or even walk away from that. That opportunity is not right for you because you seen the good, you know, you, you seen things develop. You seen obstacles be, you know, overcame. You know, you work through adversity, you know, because you're looking for a better way. You're not just thinking, all right, this way stinks, or I can't make nothing of the situation. So how do you grow if you don't never try?

No, and you hit something important there. We do survive most of the time. I mean, that's, that's the thing. I remember I had a master one time that said that. He said, you know, there's always challenges, adversities. And he said, because it was kind of weird, is that we tend to cling to those things, like you said, when we first started, right? And, you know, he said, don't worry about you know, don't worry about the obstacles or challenges. He's— they're going to be there. You're not going to lose them, right? So focus on what you can do, right?

Yeah, yeah.

That's kind of interesting. You have some really cool techniques for recognizing people. And, you know, lately— and I'm sorry, you know, I just looked at it and I don't remember what you call it. You've been— you have an honoree every day, and then—

yeah, one of them is today's honoree, right? And I try to, uh, I try to recognize people like Monday through Friday.

Mm-hmm.

And, and, you know, some days we miss. So, but for the most part, we do it Monday through Friday. And when there's not any, you know, major holidays. Uh, I started with my friend LJ Holloway and she asked me to, you know, do some, some publicity for her. Mm-hmm. And at that mall. I'm not, I'm not like the publicist that went to, you know, English school or public relations school. And so, you know, she said, you know, when I— when you can freelance, do your thing, it's natural. But then when they put you— put a title on you, it's like, that's not what I— that's not who I am or what I do. And so she said she wanted me to do some, some publicity for This idea came to me to recognize others, and so I went online and I, you know, I searched for, for the name Today's Honoree. I saw that the website, the website, uh, the social medias were available, so I said, okay, let's go with this. So it was literally like, you know how you walk in spirit or something? I did have the idea. I didn't have it all the way together. I just went, went with it. So like social media, you can build a brand overnight and you can put it out there to the world. And if it flies, you know, you have wings. If it does, you can grind it. So we started working with Today's Honoree and we just said it has to be a platform where other people nominate other people. So for the first, the first favors of like first 1,400 people that we that we, uh, honored, it pretty much is where somebody nominated somebody, and it's just a positive way to get out of the way and let other people, you know, shed light on the greatness of others.

That's when I saw that, I said that that would be a great technique for almost any organization could, could utilize, couldn't they? I mean, it's pretty simple.

Yeah, because you have, because you have Like sometimes you see where, where, uh, companies have Employee of the Month, but they don't keep it going. And so, so that's one reason that the programs don't, you know, they don't keep it going. No one takes the bull by the horn just to acknowledge somebody.

Yeah, I'm sorry. No, I was just gonna say, I'm so glad you brought that up because That's one of the problems that comes up in workshops, and that's why our heavy emphasis on disciplines, you know, discipline for martial artists just means it's the cultivation and development and practice of a meaningful and purposeful habit, right? It's something you've got to commit to, and it's, it's not a discipline if it's on your to-do list. To-do list is like a wish list, you know. It has to be carved into your schedule. It has to be part of your life. And you're absolutely right, the consistency part of this is huge, isn't it? We get a lot of people when we get talking about this idea of recognition that say, oh yeah, you know, I, I do it, you know, gangbusters for a little while, then I forget for a long— you can't do that. You have to be consistent with this, don't you?

Right. Yeah, you had to have more than one way to do it. Uh, yeah, they have more than one way to recognize somebody. Even in interviews, you know, when you interview somebody, you gotta have more than one way to do it, right? And that's why, uh, you know, I have today's honoree that recognizes people that comes from, you know, other people recognizing, or if I see someone that deserves recognition, it's my blog, so I can feature them. That's today's honoree. Then I realized what today's honoree is, is, you know, somebody can easily send their blog in, I mean, their bio, you know, and a photo and, you know, a website link where another person may want to actually do a full interview. Right. Where I had the Derek interview. That's another way to recognize someone. And through my, through my name, you know, I ask questions through my name to do the Derek interview. And what I learned with that is there's different ways to recognize people even within the Derek interview, because some people have time to answer the questions and write them out. Some people are better writers than others. Some people like to get on the phone and do the interview. And some like to do the interview in person. So there's different ways to recognize people even through an interview service. You know, you could do it over the phone because everybody has a different learning style or different way to teach others. And so just by doing interviews, I learned, okay, these are different ways to, you know, recognize or get information out about what people are doing.

You know, I really hadn't thought of it that way, and that's a great idea because so often— and this is a great technique too— A lot of our work is at conferences, association conferences and corporate conferences. And very often they'll have some of the speakers will be people from within that organization. And that's part of recognizing them too, is to give them the platform and the forum. And people feel very honored to have the opportunity to speak at these things. But a lot of people are very nervous about it. And when you were talking about that, I remember once or twice, and this is something I think people probably ought to do more often. If someone is really nervous about that, but you want to give them that forum and you want to give them that recognition, An interview format would be great, wouldn't it? I mean, you could sit there or have somebody that's comfortable with this sit there and just interview that person instead of having them bear the whole burden of a speech in quotation marks, right?

Right, right. Like I said, different ways. You have to find a method that works for the person. And also do the Derek Nims.

Yeah, tell us more about those. Those, right.

Yeah, yeah. When I started, uh There's a guy named James Amps. He's out of Pembroke Pines, Florida. And he told me I was going to write a book, you know, when I first started speaking this years ago. And I started laughing because I didn't grow up with any authors. And so when I first thought about writing the book, he— and he was telling me I was gonna write a book, I didn't feel like people were ready for my autobiography. But what I remember when we used to listen to hip-hop music, we had these these words and we'll break words down in a positive message. Just like Pony, people used to wear Pony back in the day like they wear Nike now. So we said Pony means people only know the shoe. And so we were breaking down brands and names and had a Pepsi rap and different things like that. So when it came down time to write a book, I decided to call it, uh, Derek Nims instead of acronyms. I built acronyms into a brand with my name. So I called them Derek Nims. And so I started realizing I had a gift to turn names into positive messages real quick. So everywhere I go, I turn people's names into Derek. Now, and there's a way they never forget you, you know. I got a, I got a text message from somebody, uh, a couple weeks ago for someone that, that took a picture of the Derek. Now, I, I had wrote for them —like over 5 years ago. And that was on a card. So I can do them on a card, I can do them on certificate paper, I can put them in a frame. You know, I've done these dagrams for celebrity events, I've done it for school graduations, I've done them just to recognize teens in the local neighborhood. So it's a way to recognize others with their name because their name is powerful, and their name is something they're not too quick to throw away because it's personalized. So you can take a subject that's broader scale for the whole audience, but then personalize it so that the people in the audience get something out of the event, even if the message doesn't all relate to them. But recognizing them makes them want to hear the message as well. So there's different ways to recognize people and get them interested in what you have to say. And what their life is all about.

No, I think there's a lot of ways that people can do, you know, they might not have as much talent as you do in the area of wordplay, you know, but they, they can find other fun ways, right? Fun, because the recognition doesn't always have to be serious. But I have to say this, uh, you know, Alex has been upset with me since the first, because you did, you did your Derek Nims for me, but you didn't do one for Alex. So maybe I have to put you on the spot.

Oh, I thought I did one for her.

I didn't do one for her. I don't know. Maybe I have to go back and listen to the show. Maybe she didn't listen to the show.

Yeah, probably. Maybe I thought I got one to email or something.

Because that's a tough one. A-L-E-X. Maybe you didn't because what word did you come up with with X? That's a tough one. I don't know. You think about it. We won't put you on the spot right this second.

Oh, you say A-L-E-X. Yeah. Okay, always, always learning because everyone's X-ray.

There you go, that was fast, man. I can't think.

Nah, you had to get the letters lined up, man. We're having fun, we're having fun. Yeah. Derek King, Jim Bouchard, you know, my main man.

I've had too many concussions, I can't think that quick.

Oh man, hey, we having fun. There you go.

All right, so we got a lot of different ways, you know, people can recognize, right, and encourage other people. But, you know, one thing that has always impressed me, when, when you're encouraging people, you really do it from the heart. And it, you know, that's something important. I remember when we were in the martial arts schools and, and we would be training instructors, and one thing that I always cautioned them against— I'd love to hear your opinion on this— I said, praise is important, it's encouragement is important, but make sure that the praise is meaningful, that it's not hollow. For example, you know, uh, for adult students in particular, it was funny because you think about coming to your first martial arts class as an adult, and first thing we're doing is we're putting in a pair of crazy-looking pajamas. There's mirrors all over the place, and then we're asking you to do some physical exercises that you might not have done in years or might not be familiar with. So you're looking stupid, you're right, you're dressed stupid, And then the instructor comes along and you know you're not doing it right and the instructor says, "Good job." I mean, how much credibility does that have? So we always talked about, you know, you have to praise specifically. You know, I could go over and say— if I say, "Good job," the person thinks I'm just, you know, blowing smoke at them. But if I say something, if I look, right, if I pay attention, I say, "Hey, you know what? Looks like your stance is a little bit deeper than it was last week. That's something to build on." So my My thought is that the praise needs to be from the heart and it needs to be something real. Am I on course?

Yeah, yeah, you're on course. It's like me going to, every once in a while I go to yoga. God bless you. Getting in them stances and getting in those seats. But I like how he does it. He corrects you, you know, he corrects you in your stance and the way you sitting and the way you in the stretch. And then, and then it's a good job, you know, when you're getting it right or you at least you try, you know, you put in the effort. So yeah, it has to be sincere. But the number one thing I feel is you have to have a rapport with someone because when you have a rapport with them, you can give them the positive and the negative because they know you are sincere. Right. A lot of people don't take time to build our relationships or rapport, you know. And so it's hard to get a message to someone when they don't know you care. They don't know you, you know. It don't take forever to build that rapport. It can happen instantly or it can happen over time, a week, you know. It can happen within a day. It may happen in a month. But that's two of the things I see because I worked in lockup, I worked in, you know, situations with at-risk youth groups and in different situations. We have a philosophy of work as a team. Not everybody can reach everybody. Not everybody's going— but you may be in a situation when you're dealing with a client they feel is difficult and it may be somebody else that steps in that can reach that person. So you had to have a rapport and you had to have a relationship, you know, to even get the information to the person. So a lot of times the person, it may be the right information, but it's not gonna be received because it's not coming from the right person.

No, that's, that's very, very true. And it's interesting that you brought up, you know, the incarcerated kids, because like you, I work with incarcerated kids. And one of the problems that I've seen And I just brought this up, in fact, with the staff there, and I'd love to hear your opinion on this. It was the idea that sometimes they seem to over-encourage or over-promise, like when kids are getting ready for their next level where they're going to get more privileges like off-grounds and things like that. And sometimes they build up, "You know you're going to make it, you're going to make it, you're going to make it." And there may be obstacles there. So, again, it goes back to that idea. You want to encourage, you want to keep them moving forward. But they get so disappointed sometimes when they're built up and then, you know, something, something comes up that, that keeps them from achieving that goal. How do you address that? How do you encourage without over-inflating expectations, I guess is probably the best way to ask it?

Well, I don't— my thing was, and my thing is not to over-exaggerate. You let them know what's at stake, let them know the goal, what they can reach. You know, you encourage them.

It's hard because it's well intended, isn't it? I mean, people—

right, right, it's well intended. But here's the one thing that A lot of people miss— not saying you miss it, a lot of people miss, right? The young men and women have seen so much disappointment in their life that sometimes they don't want to reach the goal, right? It's— it's— successes can be scary, but that happens in the workplace too.

That's why it's so—

right, right, right. Yeah, but, but with the— but the young people, it's like, it's a, it's a cute thing. It's real scary. And sometimes they put up a facade like they're this gangster, this tough person. Exactly. And then when that, that, uh, you know, they had that, that period where they can really get to that next level. They can, or they even get released, you know, back to their family, or even get released on, you know, to be free. Sometimes they, they can go either way, whether, you know, they want to act up so they don't get right, get let out. Or they go into this moment where they let the wall down. So, you know, they've been this certain person all along. Now they want to learn what it's like, you know, to be successful on the other side. Right. So the different, the different elements they bring to the table at certain times, whether it's reaching a level or whether it's time for them to get released. You know, because you never know what they, what they really want to do till this time.

Oh, I'm so glad you're bringing that up because again, it's, it's so interesting. We see that with the kids that are incarcerated, but again, I hear those stories in the workplace all the time too, where, you know, people— I've worked with people who, you know, were ready for a promotion. They were doing pretty much everything. Then they did something to mess it up, right? And there's been a few times I've had to say, you sabotaged that. But it is because sometimes we're pulling back to that level of comfort, isn't it? So that what we know is sometimes better than what, what we don't, even though it's a big step, right?

We call that the fake ear, the fear, the F ear, the fake ear. See, and I listen to the real ear where they, you know, people listen to, to different things and they let fear seek in. You know, that's called the fake ear because somebody just throwing information at Or it's information that you are allowing into your life. You know, it's not real, right? But you're allowed to be— you allow this fake information or these fake ideas to hold you back from accomplishing things. You know, like I tell people, why did the chicken cross the road? People always say to get to the other side. I say, no, but specifically, he's tired of being a chicken.

Oh man, yeah, yeah, I suppose that's true, isn't it?

James, tired, man. Sometimes you gotta get tired and get inspired.

Yeah, that's interesting. You remind me of something, you know, our friend Larry Winget always said, right? People don't change to make themselves better, they change because they're sick of what they are now, right? Right. Huh. Well, we just got real depressing there, didn't we? Let's see if we can— no, no, it's real, right? People have to look at it realistically. It is real.

It's real. No, we just talk about how, you know, uh, this always happens.

We're getting deep here, right? That's all. We just get deep.

But let's, let's take them to the next level, right?

Let's pull them out of the, out of the mud now. Let's see if we can, we can wrap things up with, uh with some brightness and joy and encouragement. And make sure before we finish up too, you got to make sure people understand how to get in touch with you because I know your speaking schedule is busy and you're doing consulting and all that. So how do people get in touch with you?

Oh, well, my website is www— I have two websites, www.derrickhayes.com, and that's D-E-R-R-I-C-K-H-A-Y-E-S.com. And my new site is The Entertainer. That's E-N-T-I-E-T-A-I-N-E-R, Entertainer, where I tell stories to make ties to empower others to greatness. That's the new things I'm doing, teaching people how to tie regular ties, bow ties, ascots, how to turn regular ties into bow ties or regular ties into ascots. And I do, uh, tricks and stories on stage. Stand Up Motivation with Neckties Entertainment. And, uh, you can email me info@derrickhayes.com. Those are the best ways to reach out to me.

I gotta check out the tie thing because I've never learned how to tie a bow tie.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, man, it's something I never thought I'd be doing, but, but I've seen— I saw the interest, you know, and I started wearing a tie to support my friend. And then I ran out of bow ties, so, uh, and one day I learned how to tie a regular tie to a bow tie. So it was always something that I could teach somebody. Every time I started learning something, it was something I could teach somebody. So then I learned how to tie a real bow tie, and then I learned how to tie ascot. Then I learned how to do different styles with ties, and now I make my own ties, my own bow ties without sewing. Pah. Yeah, matter of fact, if you send me, uh, your neck size and a mailing address, I'll make an original for you.

All right, I'll do that. Absolutely, absolutely. Well, listen, as we, as we wrap things up, that's a good, that's a good segue actually, because that's another way I, uh, encourage people, you know.

Like, yeah, I went to the store one day and I saw these teams, they had these sheets of material, you know. And I saw these teams. But when I first went in the store, I was just looking for myself. I'm like, man, I'm going to get some stuff for me, make me some ties. But then I saw these teams and then I just started calling friends on the spot, like, you know, with the teams that were in the store, you know, I was finding matches and, you know, making ties and stuff. So I sent out about 9 original ties, you know, for their favorite teams. And so it's just something positive to do. To recognize people and, you know, do something positive for them because you never know what people are going through. You know, you can't assume anything, whether they're up or down. You just gotta make sure you find ways to lift them up.

Well, that's it. And the thing is that, you know, one of the things I always think about when I think of you is you should have a subscription that people can, you know, organizations can just dial in and get the— of course, you offer a lot of services, you know, free, the words of encouragement, your podcasts, all that too. But it's important that you can't do this by proxy. Everything helps, right? But you have to do this yourself. If you want to really inspire people, you have to be the one encouraging them. And as you said, that has to be a rapport, there has to be a trust, there has to be a relationship there. And so what final advice would you have for someone who's maybe a little bit uncomfortable with that? How do they break through that barrier and start to enjoy encouraging encouraging others, I think, is a good way to look at it.

Take a deep breath and say hello, because even when we speak or do different things, you know, we have fears, you know, but we take a deep breath and you find something that works for you, you know, whether it's hello— everybody's different— hey, how you doing, you know, just write us— sometimes you can write a script out, something positive. And finding your, like I said, finding your way to teach or find your way to learn. It may be encouraging each other in person. It may just be doing a video because, you know, some people do the videos, some people write, some people, you know, interview people. So you gotta find your, what they call your lane. You gotta find your avenue to, to distribute information, you know, whether it be one-on-one, whether it be, you know, giving speeches on your own. You know, whether it be just encouraging somebody with a poem or, you know, a song. There's different ways. Everybody has a gift, and you just have to find what yours is. And don't be afraid to fail. You know, just put it out there, you know, because every time I write something, I could fail. I could fall on my face. Every time I make a tie, might laugh at me. You know, every time I do a Derrick there, somebody can look at it, tear it up, throw it away. You know, everything you do, somebody can go against it, but you got to be for it.

That's where the courage comes in, right? That's artistic courage. Yeah. You said something.

Go ahead. No, no, you just keep going. Yeah. No, even with my wife, she might say, go, go left. And I was like, nah, let's go, let's go down this, let's go down this street. And we can get back to the other street, you know. I love how you said the hello.

Oh yeah, yeah. But I love how you said the hello thing. How many, and I wrote this down because, you know, we love to teach with questions in Sensei Leader Movement. And you know, what came to mind, it was what are the first words you say to somebody when you meet them or greet them, right? And you said it can start with just a simple hello, but how many times, right? How many times in a workplace is the first words out of someone's mouth the furthest thing from hello, right? It's either a really tough question about what's going on the job, or it's, you know, an order, right, or a command or something like— what are the first words that you—

oh, you gotta say it, but sometimes you gotta make people speak to you. Hello, how you doing? If they don't speak, it's on them. Keep moving. Hey, how you doing? Doing all right today? How was your weekend? How was last night? How How's everything going for you? You know, if you're at a networking event, one of the most popular questions is, you know, what city are you from? Or what do you do? You know, how can I help you? You know, you give them a chance to talk. Sometimes people don't even get a chance to talk, they don't get a chance to tell their story. You know, you show some interest in them, you know, sky's the limit. You know, anything, everything's possible.

There it is. Absolutely. Well, why don't you leave us with some words of encouragement? I'm going to put you on the spot again.

Okay. You said the word proxy earlier, right? Hmm. Then you say proxy. How do you spell it? Is it P-R-O-X-Y?

I don't remember. Remember, I have concussions.

Because you said about proxy, but no, no, because that word stuck with me. See? Okay. See, life speaks to me through words and sound. So I just, I'll leave you with the word proxy. And if I misspell it, hey, charge it to my heart, not, not, not, not, not to Jim, but proxy. Yeah. Uh, he said proxy earlier in the interview. So P-R-O-X-Y, right? The pro part is you gotta be a professional, right? The X is for unknown. As a pro, in order to grow, sometimes you gotta step into the unknown. Right? And the unknowns will take you to the why, which is your why do you wake up? Why do you live? Why do you give? Why do you get up at 8 o'clock in the morning like I am on the road and do an interview with the black belt of motivation, Jim Bouchard? That's traction. You got to be a professional. Be willing to go into the unknown, and that's what's going to take you to the greater lengths of your purpose. So that's my word for people today. It's just, you know, be a professional in everything you do. You know, be willing to take risks, be willing to take challenges, be willing to develop your brand to the world. Understand, and your purpose is always going to be there. It's going to develop, it's going to take you— like I say, take me to places that don't even have faces.

Derek, thank you so much. You've— I'm ready to go conquer the world now. Always treasure the time we spend together. Thank you.

But think about this, this is a thought for you too. You're already conquering the world, you're just going to get another planet to take people to. There it is.

Make sure you hook up with Derek Hayes, my friend. Derek, thank you so much for being here today. And man, you're spreading, you're spreading joy in the world. You're doing important work. We appreciate it.

Hey, appreciate you. And tell Alex, I say hey, and tell her you're the best thing that ever happened to her life.

I will do that. And hopefully we'll see you in Atlanta soon. We should be back there soon, I think. Okay, take care. Okay, thank you, Derek. All right, keynotes, workshops, retreats, webinars, and ongoing training. Each program customized to your unique needs, interests, goals, and budget. Inspire, empower, and guide people to their very best. Learn more about Jim Bouchard and The Sensei Leader at thesenseileader.com.