Dr. Jackie Black partners with "couples who dare to live happily ever after"…

Well, in just a few seconds we're going to continue our amazing Powerful Women Leaders livestream festival here. And I'd say we saved the best for last, but I can't say that because every single person that's been on here has been the best, right? We only give you the best of the best. But Dr. Jackie Black is an amazing person. We're going to bring her on just a second. We're going to talk about relationships and dealing with stress in these conditions. There's one thing I wanted to share with you though. A bunch of questions came in today in between the streams and, and actually over the last, the last few days, okay? And it centers on this idea that, um, I've been talking about looking to your past for similar experiences. You know, people say, I'm worried, I'm stressed, I've never been through this before. Well, we might not have been through a global pandemic like this before, but what I really mean is you have to access you know, different parts of your life where you've had fear, where you've been worried, uh, where you've been under stress, because that was your training ground, okay? You got through it. You're here. You're visiting with us today, right? You've been through this before. So go back and look at those things and understand how you dealt with them and take the lessons out of— wring the lessons out of them, right? Uh, maybe you handled some of them poorly. I know I certainly did. But likely you handled most of them pretty well because you're here. And there it is. Okay, so try to keep a smile on your face and check out that video that we did on courage, uh, part of the Sensei Leader Inspirations. As always, make sure you join the Sensei Leader Movement. The first level is free, always will be, but our Black Belt level is free right now as well. So that'll be at slmjoinfree.com, and we'll talk about that a little bit later too. But I want to make sure we bring on my dear friend, mentor, amazing woman, amazing leader, Dr. Jackie Black. Here we are. From sunny Panama. We had Nana from Nairobi, it was sunny. We have you from Panama, sunny. And here we are sitting in the rain in New England.

Hello, so good to be with you.

That's kind of cool, isn't it? We've been all over the world today. We've been from Nairobi all the way to Panama. That pretty much covers half the globe, doesn't it? Excellent. Well, listen, tell us about your new adventures before we get into too much conversation, because you, you know, I, I knew you had, uh, the Couples Dealing with Illness sessions, right? Now, you've got the Couples Who Dare. I love the title, To Dare to Live Happily Ever After. Why don't you explain how you came up with that one? That's pretty cool.

Well, the couples daring has been something that I've been talking about for a long time. And I have just rolled out Facebook Lives. That was a little scary in the beginning. And some of them, the early ones are a little rough. This is my third week of Facebook Live. I was doing them daily. And then this week, I went to Tuesday, Thursday Facebook Live. It's called Marriage Reset. Reset. Because we have to focus on resetting every day. Yesterday maybe I wasn't my best self. So I'm going to reset today. I'm going to honor and own that I'm imperfect and I'm better and better. That's my intention.

Yeah.

So we're doing Marriage Reset on Tuesday and Thursday in Facebook Live. And I just rolled out a brand new Facebook group because I want a place that's free. I want a place that's safe. I want a place that's accessible. It's agenda-free. It's judgment-free. And it's a Facebook group, private, and it's called Couples Who— Couples Daring to— isn't that funny? Couples Daring to Live Happily. Couples Daring to Live Happily Ever After.

I'm the one with the concussions. I know. No, that's very good. I'm glad you brought that up. And also too, I want to remind people, please share your comments, please share your ideas, your questions, okay? Anything you'd like to share with Dr. Jackie and me, just put them in the comments area if you're on YouTube or you're on Facebook Live right now. And make sure you're on the original broadcast, that's all you need to do to get in the comments. So if you're watching on a shared stream, just click right on the, on the stream itself, you know, that pops up the other window and that'll bring you over to the original broadcast, okay?

Couples Daring to Live Happily Ever After.

Oh, what did I do there? I am sorry. I'll fix that while you talk. You go ahead.

Okay, well, so it's such a difficult time for everybody and especially for couples. They're home together. Maybe one person was home and now everybody's home. Maybe nobody was home and everybody's home. And we don't really have the skill set You know, that's my thing is successful relationship success skills because none of us are born knowing how to do this relationship thing, particularly intimate relationships.

There is a handbook though. I think you wrote it.

I think I do. I think I had some help.

No, I think you wrote a few of them actually. So, there you go.

Yeah. Are we going to plug our book?

Oh sure. Yeah, absolutely. Where did I put— I put the— I had the copy. Love Like a Black Belt, available. I'll put up a banner. Available on Amazon as well. Not right now. You can order, you can order certain things on Amazon right now, but the books, but well, it's on Kindle.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah. But I'm talking about your other books though. You had Couples, uh, Come on, Money.

That's a Bible. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's Couples Money. And then, um, I have a successful dating book. And which is a whole other conversation about how to date during a pandemic.

So yeah, which is how I first was introduced to you anyway, and not because I was dating— make sure that doesn't get out there— but no, because I came across that book and I just thought it was fascinating. Um, we were trying to take the lessons from it and apply it to relationships in the office, and I'm not talking about romantically. All your books have such good advice, uh, you know, just for relationships. Whether you're involved with couples or whether it's people you're interacting with in business or life as well.

Because they're life skills, aren't they?

Yeah.

Communicating, communicating respectfully, responsibly, apologizing, taking responsibility, going first, asking for what you need and want.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're life skills.

They are. Yeah. So let's dig into that a little bit. You know, it's funny because, you know, Alex and I, for many years now, we've been in business together. We and we've ever since we really went full-time with, with the Sensei Leader and all this stuff, uh, you know, our offices are in the same space. We're together all the time. So to us, this wasn't too much of a transition, you know what I mean? But a lot of our friends, you're exactly right, all of a sudden they went from being together for 2 or 3 hours in the evening, right, to, you know, 16, 18 hours straight, and it's a bit different.

Well, it's very challenging, and it's especially challenging if your relationship wasn't as strong as it might have once been, or if it wasn't as strong as you would like it to be. And it was so— this togetherness and, and the stress and pressure. Let's not forget that we're not just home together. There is a whole body of pressure, of stress, of uncertainty, unpredictability from the outside. And so we can have stressors on our relationships from the inside or from the outside. And now we're having stress and pressure on the relationship from the inside and the outside.

Yeah, that's for sure.

And we just don't have enough skills and tools and specific strategies to deal with that. That's why I'm doing the Facebook Lives and starting a Facebook group.

No, I think that's wonderful because that way people can bring you the issues in real time as they evolve.

Exactly.

Right. But I'm going to direct people back to that book, Couples and Money too, because a lot of people, it's interesting because we had a pretty good run for a lot of people. And, you know, things are always easy when there's not that money stress, right? But a lot of people are feeling the pain right now, then that becomes acute. What are some of the key factors specifically dealing with what, you know, we're starting to feel that money pressure?

The first thing is don't be an ostrich and put your head in the sand. Go to your bank, look at your bank, tell the $40 in your bank to hang tight, we're coming back, you're gonna have a lot of friends soon. No, I'm really serious, right? Go look at the $40 and tell that $40, be grateful that it's there and it's not going to be alone for too much longer. Look, so that you have to be aware and think about better ways to choose to spend money. And sometimes, we have to pay the most important things first. Have conversations. Speak to each other. Most conversations with couples around money is very charged. And that's why I developed the 5 Rules of Engagement.

Yeah, I remember that because you talked about that when you see when I go out now, I'm reckless and Alex starts yelling at me.

So we want to talk to each other in ways that make sense. So I say to you, I'd like to talk about money. I'd like to talk about anything, but I'd like to talk about money. When would be a good time? And let's carve out 12 or 15 minutes only. And I have 2 questions, so I have 3 questions. So I'm really worried and I'd like your feedback. Or I'm really worried and I think I just want a hug at the end. So ask somebody, tell somebody that you have something on your mind, ask when it might be a good time, and let them know how they could best serve you in the conversation.

Siobhan has got an interesting— I hope I said your name right— grateful for my husband's job but worry about him every day. I imagine for being out and exposed to the virus. Is that what you're talking about, Siobhan? Yeah, that's an interesting take. Yeah, how do we manage that? Because, uh, you know, it's funny because it's been a long time. We— I don't know, you know, so many things come up in a situation like this, and I had almost forgotten about the experience until some people asked about it. I used to be a firefighter. I think you knew that.

I did when I was young.

Yeah. And at that time, I didn't have anybody really that was worried about me when I went out there, you know what I mean? So I was having a hard time wrapping my head around this, but a lot of people have been expressing this. What— how would you respond to this?

I would say to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye whenever he leaves. Don't let him leave the house without a hug and a kiss goodbye. And tell him that you're excited to see him when he returns. You're excited. Don't say, "Hey, don't be safe." I can't wait for you to walk in the door. I'm going to be so excited to see you come back.

And in this situation, you might want to stay away from the news all the time too, right? Because you hear the worst, the worst, the worst constantly. And yet, you know, people are, and people that are out there working, by and large, I think people are doing a pretty good job of mitigating, you know, wearing the mask, wearing the gloves if they're in a high-volume area.

I mean, people, I think people all over the world have really become very conscious and, and really taken the responsibility for, for, well, each person has taken their responsibility.

Yeah, and I'm not downplaying the risk. I mean, we're all subject to the risk, but you know, to put it in perspective, right? Miranda's got a— Miranda, you're back again! It's always nice to see you, and it's always— you got— I really appreciate your support. It's very challenging. I'm having days of beautiful communication and goals, days needing— yes, amen. Uh, I'm, I'm a Jeremiah Johnson guy myself. Then this loss of my business and the money part. Yeah, we're going to hit that too. This is real hell at times. I appreciate this, this love vid right now. Perfect time. Oh, great, Miranda, thank you. You know, one thing, and then I want to turn this over to Dr. Jackie, but The loss of the business, and Miranda, I'm cheating because I know your business a little bit, and I'm gonna say, I've invited you on this livestream. You gotta come on. I'm letting my eyelashes get long so that you can show me how to trim the eyelashes. Alex's hairdresser was on with us on Facebook Live a few days ago teaching me how to cut her hair. You know, these things. But I think, Miranda, you're gonna be able to, A, maintain great relationships with your customers. If you'll come on, and you're great. I've seen you on the live streams, you know, on your personal ones. Just share that information. It'll build loyalty. Nobody's gonna leave you. If they were gonna leave you, they're gonna leave you anyway, you know. And I think many, many more people will be exposed to you because you're really dynamic and charismatic person, and I'm really gonna encourage you to do that, okay? And Dr. Jackie, what do you think about the communication and the need to be alone? Because I'm like that, you know that I'm like that too.

Well, I have a lot to say to Miranda. So first of all, hi Miranda. Thank you for your question. So the first thing is, you know, I would call 10 of your most loyal clients and tell them that you want to do a Zoom and you're going to teach them how to do XYZ and to get 10 of their friends to come, and that you'll only charge them each $10.

That's beautiful.

And you can do that with PayPal, with PayPal, you can do that with Apple, with, uh, I, I don't know, all those, right?

It's very easy. PayPal, Apple Pay, they're all very easy to set up.

If you could help me do something, I would give you $10 all day long and bring 10 of my friends, and that's $100. Maybe do that every morning. Maybe you do different pieces. And then what else you do? You must do a lot of different things. So right now we need to know from people who have a particular skill or a particular knowledge base. In terms of being alone, be careful. Be careful. There's a difference between solitude and isolation.

Yes.

And so ask yourself, because we humans are great. If we ask ourselves a question, we'll get an answer. So make sure that you ask yourself if you're isolating, if you're afraid, if you are just sort of, I don't want to see the world, or if you really do need solitude. And then what are you doing to recharge your batteries? Are you resting? Are you meditating? Are you reading?

Exercise.

Exercise, journaling. So make sure that you use the time. If you need to isolate, isolate and do that. Look at your watch and do that for 5 or 10 minutes. Just say, "I'm going to stick my head in the sand. I'm going to isolate. I'm going to be mad. I'm going to be mean. I'm going to be grumpy." And then do that for 10 minutes and then come up and out of it deliberately. Deliberate intention right now is really important.

I'm glad you— I'm glad you framed it that way because it's interesting. And I'm going to, you know, share from my own experience because when people get to know me and they see how dedicated I am to solitude, you know what I mean? I mean, I'll literally go out in the woods for 2 weeks by myself and, you know, see very few human beings. And that's, to me, that's a recharge for me. And I spend a lot of time alone like that. I need— I need my alone time. And Alex is such a great partner because she's understood that about me from the start. Right? But that, you're right, that's very, very different than periods where, you know, I get lost in my own misery, right, or get overwhelmed by, you know, and I'm sitting there by myself eating my own head wondering when the coronavirus is gonna eat my head.

Right, right. And let me just add a piece to that if I can. Please, please. The third leg of that stool is when people need to take time. I need my own space. I need to take time. Be careful If you're in a relationship and you need time or your partner needs time, that to need alone time, to need privacy is legitimate, as Jim was just sharing for himself. It's legitimate. But be careful because that has a bad rap. Very often, too often, when people say, "I need to take space," it's hostile.

Yeah, right.

It's rejecting. And there really is that underlying message, "I don't want to be with you now. You're pissing me off," you know, whatever. You've disappointed me. You've hurt my feelings. So be really clear with your partner, as Jim was with his wife, that this is who I am. It's how I recharge my batteries. It's what I need to do. And here's what it's going to look like for you.

Yeah, and usually for Alex, it's good. I need a break too. All right.

Well, some people need more alone time than other people. I'm a person that needs way less alone time, but I like partner, that parallel play. I like to be in the same room. When Mark was alive, we'd like to be in the same room and do our own thing and not necessarily interact.

Yeah, no, that's, that's really special, isn't it, when you can do that with somebody? And look what Miranda said. That's so— Miranda, you are the best. You're an absolutely stunning woman, by the way. I know she's talking to you, not me.

Thank you.

And you are, and you are in many ways. Yeah. So we— yeah, let's get back, um, to talking about a little bit of the different stresses that people are feeling, because money is certainly one of them, okay? Fear is certainly one, but one of the ones that people keep bringing up, and I was so anxious to have you come on— anxious in a good way— um, that idea of being separated from other family members. Like you said before the program, talked about, I have some friends who are separated from their young grandchildren.

Grandchildren, yep.

And whatnot. So yeah, some words of wisdom for these guys.

That's so hard. Passover was last night and tonight. Easter is on Sunday. Good Friday is tomorrow. And we're all doing that alone. I know my son was so sweet last night. He actually took a video on his phone of my grandson asking the four questions in Hebrew. I'm gonna tear up. And so he sent that I saw that video later. We did a FaceTime with the kids and then he sent me the video. That's what we have to do. We're going to find, I think, after this, we're going to be connecting differently. But we have to do whatever we can do. I know they had family members, so they all had— there were 3 families and they all had family, their iPads or the laptop computers somewhere in the room. And so they could all be together on the laptops. We can't stay with the old and then be judgmental and say the new isn't good enough. It's not good enough to do FaceTime. It's not good enough to see a video. We really have to step out of that and we have to show up and embrace what is possible and what's available.

It's really a miracle that we have it. I mean, and you know me, I'm the last person to say I want this to go on forever. But to me, and that's how we connected. You know, that's a friendship that we've had for, I don't know how many years now, but you know, we've had many, right? And we've had friends from— we have friends all over the world. We've never been in the same room with them, but this technology has really— right, because, because you can spend time on— I think maybe that's a shift that people are making, right? Instead of the quick bang, bang, bang, or the messaging, um, through the technology like this, or, you know, different platforms, Facebook Live. I think Google Hangouts is not around anymore, but they there's something else that replaced it, right?

Yeah, but I think Zoom and then this YardStream is incredible. FaceTime, Skype, Skype, tried and true Skype.

Right, exactly, exactly, yep. And you can spend, yeah, we actually finally did one of those virtual dinner parties the other night.

Yes, I've been doing coffees and cocktail parties and happy hour.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, absolutely. But we are, you know, I do, I still do hope we get back, and I agree with you that things will look at things differently. Hopefully what I'm hoping that people will take out of it is if you are feeling a sense, in a healthy way, a sense of longing for connection, and you know, when we are able to visit with one another again, that you take that good feeling with you, right? We've had people expressing that concern. Sometimes we're on our best behavior You know, we've seen some people getting testy as this thing drags on and on and on. But we got to bring those, we got to embed those as disciplines, right? Bring our best behaviors forward afterwards.

Yes, it's a discipline. It's a black belt discipline. And we also want to deepen our awareness about why we're reacting this way. There's a very good reason for people to be edgy, right? For people to be snapping turtles. We're experiencing a lot of loss, right? There's loss of routine, loss of autonomy, loss of being a choice, loss of safety and security. There's a lot of loss. So with loss comes grieving. And people don't understand that they're grieving. They don't want to be grieving because grieving is a holy feeling experience. And we're feeling anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, and guilt. Those are the 5 normal normal, natural attendant feelings to grieving. So what I want to suggest to people is give yourself again that limited amount of time and understand that you're snarky. And you say, I'm just gonna be this way for 5 or 10 minutes. I'm going to remove myself from the space. And because it's a legitimate feeling, the difference between having a legitimate feeling and behaving from that feeling, that's not okay. We choose our behaviors based on our values. But our feelings are feelings and they're legitimate. So we have to find safe and responsible ways to experience the feelings that are normal, natural, and necessary.

That's so cool because one of my most treasured masters, Master Yang Zhongming, he shared that with us from ancient philosophies from China. You know, he said, he always said, you can't control your emotions, you can control your response to your emotions.

Exactly.

Yeah. But you said, you know, you just said something very interesting too. And you, it's funny because this just triggered a thought. Um, from a discussion we had just a few years ago about giving yourself time. And I think it was actually— you know what, I think it was when you were helping me after I lost my friend Don, right? And, you know, and I was, I was kind of puzzled because I do— I go through some of those, uh, phases pretty quickly, probably more quickly than some other people. But then I got stuck in a couple of them, and like, you know what I mean? And you said that, you said give yourself the time just to right, to be there. You don't— there's no— I think you said it, I don't remember how you said it, but you said basically there was no time limit to it. Don't listen to other people that are saying you should be here by this, right?

Exactly. And more important than that, when we're grieving, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross did the seminal piece of work. It is the most understood body of wisdom on the planet. She did her work on people who are coming to terms with their own mortality. That's not what's happening when we're grieving the loss of autonomy, when we're grieving the loss of routine. And you might think that though, that's small, but that's just the left brain saying, oh, that's not a big deal. It's a very— a loss is a loss for our inside self.

Yeah.

And so when we're grieving, as people who are not looking at our own mortality, we're grieving the things about living, then there are no steps, no phases. There's no bargaining. There's none of that. There's the 5 feelings: anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, and guilt. And those 5 feelings each have a job to do. And that's why there is no time limit. And that's why I was supporting you to have whatever feelings you were having because each one had a job. When their job is finished, then you will be more integrated. And you'll come back, you'll step back into being more and more yourself, more and more your adult self.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm worried about that. Well, I could be like this forever.

Probably not, right? And if you—

and if a long time is going by, and you think you should be better, then reach out, call me, email, you know, another professional, right?

I was gonna say that because you don't brag about yourself. I don't either. It's not so I'll brag about you. Go to drjackieblack.com. And I'm, I seriously, uh, I'm making this endorsement from the heart because I've sent many— I don't know who took her up on it, but I send people to Dr. Jackie all the time. Uh, sometimes I think they, they think they've got it, you know, and they should have, should have taken you up on your services. I see a lot of people are joining the stream again. Please make sure if you've got comments or questions or ideas, these, you know, these streams that we've been doing, uh They're really a conversation. I always joke when I'm doing live presentations, I kind of remember what that was like. And I always say, look, I don't like lectures, and I've never gotten paid extra to get through a slide deck, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, absolutely.

These are conversations. So share your ideas. If you've got some ideas about how you're coping with things, you know, put them up here.

Or not.

Or not, right? Yeah, definitely. And listen, this, I know this is, you know, we're touching on some sensitive areas. So if you don't feel comfortable sharing it in the public forum, that's okay. Again, go to Dr. Jacque Black, you'll find her email there, and you can get to her, you know, privately. If you want to PM me and we'll get it over to Dr. Jacque, we'll do that too, right? OK, so I want to get back to some of the— I'm gonna, you know what, one of the questions that have been coming up, especially from leaders, you know, since we, since we are a leadership focus, we'll go over there for a minute. Not that we have to, you know, we can stray, but some of the leaders have been feeling— they're feeling pressure from two sides. They're feeling the pressure at home that we talked about, right? But they're also— and as the weeks go on, this is going to get worse and worse and worse— that they're feeling the pressure that people are getting angry, you know, especially organizations that have had to cut back on hours, dock people's— I shouldn't say dock people's pay, but reduce people's pay just because it's the reality of it, you know. Um, you know, how does— we talked a lot already the last couple streams about how you know, how to manage that process. But we haven't talked at all about how to deal with it inside yourself, you know, if you're the leader that has that responsibility. And how not to bring all that home, right, with the stress, even though, while you are home. And I think that's part of it too, right? People are dealing with it in real time, in the same space, right?

Exactly, right.

Which is different.

And a lot of times, spouses aren't accustomed to observing, right, to observing us at work. And so, that's a very different dynamic. So, the thing that I always want to remind leaders about is that you're people first. And that you must pay attention to your own sadness, your own frustration, your own heartfelt— People don't realize lower down the ladder, if I can say it that way. I don't want to be politically incorrect. But They don't, they don't realize that leaders care, that it matters. And that's why, that's why there's so much pressure, because it matters. You care.

Yeah, no, I hear, I hear you. That comes up in our workshops all the time when we do the C-level workshops, right? And people are just able to kind of let their hair down amongst peers. And that's one of the things they say: they want to be appreciated; they want to be treated as people; they want some normalcy. And they, respectful of the hierarchy, but they want some normalcy when they come and communicate with people at the different levels, right?

Right. And so the more comfortable we are with ourselves in our feelings, in the paradoxes, at the counterpoints, because there's always a counterpoint when we're making these tough decisions in business. And the more comfortable we are inside ourselves, then the more we can articulate that empathy. And I think that's the single most important thing right now to deliver to all of our employees is empathy. We really have to let them know it matters. They matter. What they're going through matters. And that goes a long way.

I want to be sensitive because I remember you said you have a call at 3:30. You have to go.

Unfortunately, I do. I'm so sorry.

Well, that's cool because I can listen to you all day long. Let's see if there's a—

I can talk to you all day long.

I, you know, and we have talked with each other all day long, haven't we? Thanks, Miranda. You're so special, and I really appreciate you chiming in. I want to make sure before we, we, uh, dismiss Dr. Jackie here, we make sure that, uh, people know how to get in touch with her. So this is the Facebook page, right? And that's the next— that's the Nexus for Couples Living Happily Ever After?

Yes.

The live streams. Okay. And we're going to pick the— please let us know when you're doing those because we'll put those in our stream as well.

Oh, that would be wonderful.

Yeah, no, absolutely. And always, you can get Get to her at drjackieblack.com. And listen, if you don't have her books, you need them. Get her books on your shelf. And they're must-haves in any leader's library, any library really. Dr. Jackie, thank you so much for being with us today.

Thank you, Jim. It's always such a pleasure. I appreciate it.

We'll talk again very soon.

Take very good care.

Okay, you as well.

Bye-bye.