ONE STEP 0004: How to get people to be open and honest with you––even when they work for you!

That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. One of the biggest problems we face in leadership today is how to get people to communicate with us openly and honestly and not just tell us what they think we want to hear. This one step is going to address that issue, and we're going to do it with a children's game. I'm Jim Bouchard, founder of the Sensei Leader Movement. You know, it's funny, it's been a few years since I've had my martial arts centers. And once in a while I run into one of my black belts and they say, "Hey Sensei, did you miss me?" I said, "Hell no, I miss my little dragons." My little dragons were my 3 to 6-year-old kids. They were amazing. We used to play this game. I would yell, "Eyes," and they would yell, "Open." Then I'd yell, "Ears," and they'd yell, "Open." "Mind, heart, open. Mouth, closed." I thought about this game a lot this week as I was preparing for a Sensei in the C-Suite workshop with one of my clients, and, and one of the issues they really wanted to address in this workshop is how to get people down the ladder to be open and honest about their concerns and problems. And this is a really common issue in our C-suite workshops and programs. You know, how do you create a culture where people are honest with you and not just telling you what they think you want to hear? Anyways, I started making notes for the workshop. I also happened to listen to episode 666 of HBR's podcast, IdeaCast, I listen to the program all the time, but this particular episode really came at the right moment. You know, I have to admit, I almost skipped it because the title was Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace. I'm not happy to admit it, but my bias kind of crept in. I didn't want to listen to another new agey soft pedal rant about how we just have to bow to everyone's feelings. We don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but that's hardly what was going on here. The guest was Amy Edmondson. She's a professor at Harvard Business School. She's the author of The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. And as I listened, and I'm glad I did, I understood that her approach was anything but soft. In fact, she addressed that, that issue in the, in the program. She's talking about creating a genuinely healthy communication environment, not insulating people from hurt feelings necessarily. But the more I listened, the more I thought about my little dragons. Believe it or not, that exercise wasn't just designed as a cute little kids' game either. I was trying to teach the most important lesson, one of the most important lessons in life, that learning is more about input than output. Now leaders sometimes lose sight of this fact, and I understand why. You know, we're expected to talk. It's our job to communicate and to be the face and the voice of our organization. We're counted on to rally the troops and to sell, whatever form that might take at any given time. But it usually doesn't take long to get to the heart of the problem when we're facing this in our workshops. Most leaders will really quickly acknowledge or admit that they just slipped into a routine where the mouth dominates and the ears, the eyes, the mind, and the heart kind of fade as priorities. Sometimes it's a matter of urgency, sometimes efficiency, but I've rarely found that it's a lack of caring compassion. Really, sometimes, but not usually. In fact, a lot of times it's just like dealing with your own family. You know, you can just slip into a pattern of giving orders and lectures, especially if you're a caring and generally benevolent person and people are generally satisfied with what you're saying. But this can cause big problems. It can create an environment where problems go unnoticed and concerns go unanswered. And this way, minor issues can really fester into major disasters. You know, effective leaders want people to share their concerns, not just to vent or complain, but to really create solutions, to innovate, right? And to improve. So how do we get people to speak up and avoid surrounding ourselves with the classic yes-men? Let's go back to our little dragons. You know, a big part of what I liked about working with this group was how open and candid they are at that age, right? They'd ask me, "Sensei, why are you bald?" I love questions like that, questions most adults wouldn't even think about asking. You know, I'd regularly had what we called mat chats, which was just where we just sat down on the floor and talked. And I remember one particular day when I was asking, I would ask this regularly, I said, "Who wants to be a black belt?" Well, one kid didn't raise his hand, and I think that's the first time that ever happened. So I asked him, I said, "You don't want to be a black belt?" He said, "No." I said, "Well then, what do you want to be?" He said, "I want to be a dentist." Well, I had all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I didn't want to discourage him. And I told him, "Hey, I think you'll make a great dentist someday, and you can be a black belt and a dentist both, right?" Anyway, I've had a lot of moments like that through the years. I've also had a lot of parents praise me for, for my ability to get even the most difficult kids to open up, sometimes about things that are really uncomfortable and even painful. And I've given a lot of thought to this over time because I do have some skill in this area, but I wanted to know why. If for no other reason, I wanted to train other instructors to develop the same rapport with their students. And I also have the same ability with adults. I'm the guy that can sit at the bar and 10 minutes later someone's told me their whole life story. So why is this happening? Well, first of all, if you want people to be open with you, be open with them. Follow our Sensei Leader Movement prime directive, if you will: lead by example. That means model the behavior you expect from others. The little dragons were open with me because I was open with them, and I wasn't afraid to talk really openly about things that were important to them. I was always generous with praise for good behavior and good work, but I was equally comfortable offering criticism and correction when they needed it. Where many adults went soft on them, the Dragons really appreciated when I was honest and direct. Now, of course, I had to adjust language and delivery in respect to their age, but I treated them as people, not as little kids. In fact, we had this kind of running theme, so whenever a young person or a parent would pull the their just kids card, I'd say, no, no, out there you might be a little kid. In here, you're a martial artist. Well, they loved it and they responded to it. So let's dig into our little game again and how that can help us be better leaders. The biggest reason that my little dragons are so open with me is because I listened to them. And they knew that I cared about what they had to say and what they had to share. They knew that to me, what they had to offer was important. Eyes, ears, mind, and heart open. That's not only the key to learning, but it's also the key to effective communication and building an authentic connection with others. Eyes open means paying attention. You know, another little game I used to play with the Dragons, I'd ask them, what are the two most important words in the martial arts? And they'd yell back, pay attention. I'd argue that these are probably the two most important words in life and in business too. In fact, the greatest gift you can give to another person is your attention. When someone is speaking, look at them. Make sure they know you're listening and you care. Now, this also speaks a little bit to the importance of management by walking around. Your presence means something. Don't be the undercover boss. Be a visible and interested person in the lives of the people that you serve. Ears open. Of course, this means listening sincerely, right? Not to find an advantage, not to confirm a bias, or even to contradict an opposition view, right? It's not— and really, it's not to just trick the other person into thinking you care about what they're saying. Too many people do that. If you don't care, don't bother. And I mean that sincerely. Call me immediately for some executive coaching. We'll get that squared away. Listen to understand. Listen to affirm that the other person's voice matters. Now, this doesn't mean you're going to bow down to every whim or concede every point. It's not what it's about. It's about valuing the other person's input. Regardless of the eventual outcome. You're not conceding, you're considering. Mind open, or at the very least avoiding prejudgment, prejudice, right? You know, if you want others to be open with you, like I said earlier, you've got to be open with them, and that means being open-minded to what they have to say. Make this a key discipline in your life. Prove that you have an open mind consistently with your words and your actions. Now, one of the greatest challenges we ever see in this area is when organizations ask me to address resistance to change. They usually ask me to help them overcome this resistance. Why? Resistance is a signal. It can be a real blessing. You know, if people are open and honest about why they're uncomfortable with the change, for example, they're, they're bringing you the clues you need to minimize the disruption. You know, you can eradicate small issues before they become disasters. I've learned through experience that when an organization wants to overcome resistance, it's usually because either A, a decision has already been made and they're just trying to sell it, and B, they probably haven't involved any of the people affected by that change in the process of creating it. Now, again, they just want to sell it. And believe me, I'm repeating myself intentionally. The mind's already closed. Mind open involves including people in the creative process of running an organization. Implementing a change. Involve people at all levels, representatives of every group that's going to be affected by the changes in the strategy phase and in the implementation. Be open to this input from all levels. Remember that most of the intellectual, cultural, and experiential capital in your organization lives in the minds of the people doing the actual work, in the hearts and the minds of the people doing the actual work, not in the executive suite. This leads us to heart open. As I said just a minute ago, if you don't care, don't bother. You know, the age of command and control is dead. People only perform at their highest levels when they know you care about them. It's not enough just to say it, you gotta walk the walk. This means taking the time to know the people you serve. Now I get some pushback on that one too. I remember one workshop, somebody stood up and said, "Jim, I've got 5,000 people under me. I can't get to know every single one of them personally." Well, I concede the point, but I asked, "How many direct reports do you have?" He said, "12." I said, "Why not start with them?" In The Sensei Leader, I wrote it this way: You can build a culture of sincere interest. You can insist that supervisors spend time understanding the needs, desires, and motivations of the people directly in their care. And when you do that, when you keep an open heart, that's contagious. Let's cover quickly mouth closed. Well, not always, but we can probably all do a little more shutting the hell up once in a while, right? And this takes practice. Because it's our nature to respond back, to strike back sometimes, especially with words. And it's our nature to defend our position and try to drive our points home. And leaders can also tend to be very enthusiastic people. That's a good thing, right? And that enthusiasm should be voiced, sometimes really loudly. But we just need to learn when and where to talk and when and where to listen. The best leaders I've met are constantly struggling with this dichotomy. The very best always think they can do a better job of it. And ironically, some of the best listeners I've worked with seem to always think they're talking too much, while the ones that tell me they can't get anyone else to listen, those are the ones who really can't keep their mouth shut. Something to think about, right? Look, if we want people to be honest, to talk and share their ideas, thoughts, and concerns openly and honestly, we have to listen to them as much, if not more, than we talk. Simple, not easy. Now all of this takes practice, and it starts with awareness. That takes us back to our little dragons game. Over the next couple of weeks, here's your one step, your discipline for this episode. Just keep a short journal over the next couple weeks. Write down every example of eyes, ears, mind, heart, and mouth open or closed. At the end of the week or so, just take a few minutes and look at each example and think about how you might handle it differently the next time. Were there times when you were trying to push your point home and you should have been listening? There are times when you were looking the other way when you should have been paying attention. Are there times when you let your mind close down or your heart was shut off to something that really wasn't important to you but might have been of huge importance to someone else? Do this consistently and it'll pay off. Make it a discipline. Hey, I really appreciate the time you're spending with me, and I hope you're finding One Step enjoyable and useful. If you do, please make sure that you share it and like it. That helps us get the word out. And I hope also that you'll get more involved with the Sensei Leader Movement. All you need to do is come to thesenseileader.com if you haven't done so already. When you subscribe there, you'll get online access to the ebook version of The Sensei Leader. I'm Jim Bouchard, founder of the Sensei Leader Movement.