How to Become More Confident with Sandy Grigsby & Jim Kwik

Welcome back, Kwik Brains. Your question for today: how do you become more confident? This is something that we talk a lot about in, uh, in our private Facebook group. A lot of people have questions about confidence, and we know that confidence is the cornerstone of learning, it's the cornerstone of leadership, it's the cornerstone of life, really. But does it sometimes feel like everyone around you is— they're so confident, they're so sure of themselves And the truth is, chances are they're probably having doubts like you, you know. So what is their secret for becoming more confident? And so I'm excited to have this conversation with a close friend. Her name is Sandy Grigsby, and she's a personal branding image expert, and they call her the confidence catalyst. And I'm going to ask her in a moment what that means. Sandy, thanks for being on our show.

Thank you so much for having me, Jim.

So you and I, we've known each other for years, and you've been a great support, you know, for our business and our brand. And I wanted to jump into this. You and I have shared stages, you know, different places around the world. And you are, you are so confident. And before we get into this conversation, maybe we could define what confidence What's your definition of confidence and what's a confidence catalyst?

So, I firmly believe that confidence is simply trusting yourself. The word confidence actually comes from the Latin word fidere, which means to trust. Con, with, to trust, to trust yourself. That's all it is. It's so simple and people make it into something way bigger than it needs to be. And you just have to trust yourself. And what a confidence catalyst is, I coined that phrase, confidence catalyst. It's actually a registered trademark. So I did that a while ago. That's how confident I was about it. And pretty much it's me and I spark the confidence in others. So when I sit with my clients and, or I meet someone, or I have people that are watching me on stage, The things I say and do ignites in them to go, oh my gosh, I can do that thing that I've always wanted to do, or I'm going to try that thing I'm afraid of. And it just sparks that confidence in them to do the magic that they want to do.

And this is so important because often our listeners, our students, they might learn a technique, for example, on how to remember people's names. But if they're not confident in their abilities, meaning by your definition, they don't trust their capabilities, or they're not confident with people, you know, that's certainly going to affect the results. You know, I think a lot of people that believe in this myth that some— maybe confidence is something like memory or focus, something you have or you don't have. Were you, were you born with this? I mean, you shine on stage, you shine in a room. Is this something that you were born with?

I actually believe that you are born with confidence. Think about it. When you're a little baby, and you come out of the womb, you scream. You just bellow, right? You have confidence. You are unapologetic about it. You just wallow in like just loud noises. They just bellow out of you. And having that confidence as a child gets squashed as you grow up because of the circumstances, the things that happen to you in your life. Your parents tell you to be quiet or to stop or don't do that, or you're misbehaving. And over time, life's experiences change how confident you feel about yourself. So confidence is something I believe everyone's born with. But the great part is, if you feel like you don't have it or you've lost it, you can always regain it. I have worked with people who said, I have no confidence, I have no self-esteem, I'm so low in the gutter. And in the end, they have completely come out of their shells. They have social media followings, they're changing lives, and they're making magic happen. So confidence is available to everyone. You just have to know how to access it.

Now, were you always this confident then since you were born?

Well, when I was born, I was, and I was for a while as a child, but life got in the way. And I had a totalitarian father. He was so strict and he was unfortunately physically and mentally abusive. And because of that situation with my dad and not really understanding him or where he came from, I was just a child. my confidence took a huge hit. And then I would bounce back and I'd have bouts of confidence over time. But then life circumstance, so really tragic relationships, abusive relationships, mishaps in my finances, in my work life career. I was sexually assaulted. I had sexual harassment issues at work. I mean, the list goes on and on. And over time, my confidence just kept taking hit after hit after hit. And where I was once super confident, even with all of the stuff I faced as a child, I was so low in my confidence that I actually stuttered. I mean, I talked like this for a long time.

Now, I want to go into your process because— so I understand it, you know, confidence is not something you necessarily have or don't have. It's something just like a good memory or creativity. It's something that you could you could build that genius. It's not just born. It can be built over time through dedication, through training, through coaching, with mentors like yourself. And so where, if somebody's listening to this right now and they're not trusting themselves, they have this doubt, maybe it shows up in a relationship or maybe it's keeping them from a relationship or going deeper in a relationship, or maybe that happens to be in their career. You know, they don't have the confidence to give that presentation, or to be able to ask for that, that raise, or be able to do that. Well, where would you start when you're coaching somebody?

The very first place is the most simple. It's awareness. You just have to be aware that it's even happening. People don't even realize that they lack confidence. They'll mark it up as something else. But if you're aware that your confidence is taking a hit, or you're not doing something because you don't trust yourself, you lack that confidence, that's where you can actually make the change and create the life that you want. But you have to have the awareness.

So you start with awareness. And that's really the starting point for any change, really, like how are you going to change something or transform something if you're not aware that it's what the current situation is.

It's so true. Once you're aware, then you can do anything because you notice when those moments happen. So I always recommend for my clients to start making note of when they're feeling a certain way or when they're feeling low in their confidence so they can see if there's a pattern. And then they can distill where's that coming from. So if it's, for example, a relationship, they're not confident in either getting into or even leaving a relationship. Make note of all of the instances where they're feeling their confidence is low. So maybe it's speaking up, maybe it's saying something, maybe it's, you know, reaching out to a friend for help. Where are you feeling low in that confidence to take that action? So when you start making that trackable and you see where you're going with that, that's where you can go, okay, I have a pattern. A pattern is a habit. A habit can be changed. So all you have to do is construct new rules and create new habits.

And it shows up differently for everybody, right? You're not saying that it's necessarily that you have to show up like you or someone like a Tony Robbins or anything, that everybody's confidence— that if somebody is introverted, they could still have confidence, right?

Yes.

And it expresses itself differently?

Oh, for sure. I have Quietly confident clients and friends. So those are those people that say nothing and they think, they're thinkers, right? And they're always quiet, but when you ask them something, their answer is so powerful and passionate and committed, you're like, whoa, I just got blown away. They're not outspoken, loud, bubbly, fun. You wouldn't even notice them because they're so in the corner, but they're quiet confidence. That's what they carry. So, you can have different levels of confidence. I happen to be that bubbly, fun, like, hey everybody, let's do silly things. And I'm proud of the way I am. But not everyone's like me. And that's okay. You can be your own unique form of confidence. You can be a quiet, confident person. You can be, believe it or not, you can even be shy, but confident. They can go together. You can be, you know, fun and playful and confident. There's so many different ways of confidence you can be, because all it means is that you trust yourself.

Yeah, a lot, a lot of it is knowing yourself, but then also going from there to trusting yourself. So knowing yourself, that awareness you talk about, and then you're looking for patterns in terms of you're documenting, you're keeping track of, you know, what, when you feel that doubt, or you don't feel that trust.

And what I see is that most people don't really know themselves. So if you remember when I said earlier, I go, you go back to how you were as a child. I find that is one of the most valuable tools. So for example, Jim, think of how you were as a child. Now go back to before you were sort of taught to be away. So think of 3, 4, that kind of like 2, 3, 4, right? Children are still exploring. They're still having fun. They're not really afraid of things. Now, you know what I'm talking about? Because kids will do stuff.

You're like, what?

How were you as a 2, 3, 4-year-old?

Yeah, my parents would describe me, and even as I remembered, I was very curious. I was very playful. I had a lot of energy. This was all before— when I was 5, I had a traumatic brain injury that led me, you know, my learning challenges. And then I felt like I just lost all my sense of self and sense of— we should actually have an episode on self-esteem and self-worth also as well, because I know that's a little bit different. It's a little bit nuanced, but if one's trusting yourself, one is really believing you are worth something. So my confidence was definitely shaken. But before that accident, I would say that I trusted because I didn't know any other way.

Exactly, exactly. So you said you were playful?

I was playful, I was curious, I was very energized.

Curious, energized, yes. Okay, so now how are you in relation to those things today?

Yeah, I mean, I definitely went through about a decade and a half of some pretty severe challenges, um, where I was pretty depressed because of the struggles I was going through. You know, I think a lot of my confidence came from my competence There was definitely this confidence-competence loop in psychology where the more competent I got at certain things, more confidence, and I started to trust in my skills and my abilities and in turn my identity and myself. So I'm definitely moving back more towards that. I don't know if I would say I have the confidence I did when I was a toddler that's willing to make mistakes and fall. hundreds of times before I, you know, I learned how to walk like everybody, more than most other people. But, you know—

But that's where knowing yourself is important. So if you know how you were as a child, and you know you're headed back towards that curious, playful, all of those things, you can actually reclaim, reclaim who you are. And when you do that, because my confidence, it ties hand in foot with personal branding. So I teach people how to be more confident so they can launch their personal brands. And when you know who you are, I always take people back to that child you, you can then define who you are now. So, who were you then? Because most likely the purest, most awesome version of you is who you were then. So, once you know who that is, it's easy to move forward in that direction now. And you build your confidence even more. Because if you're curious and you're having fun, think of all of the amazing things that you can do. You ask better questions. You make better relationships. You build deeper connections. You are more alluring to your audience. People want to be around you because what you described is wonderful. I want to hang out with you.

Right?

And I know you are that way. I have hung out with you. But when you see it for yourself and you have trust in that person, the way that you present yourself to the world is far superior to any other version of you, especially especially versions of you that were changed by circumstances in life. And that's what I didn't get when I was struggling. I struggled with depression. I had such low self-worth. I can't was the thing that came out of my mouth all of the time. And why can't I? Or why don't I have? Right? So, I was always like, why don't I have kids like my friends? Why don't I have a house like my friends? Why can't I go there? And it was negative and self-depreciating, because I was trapped. And I had completely forgotten who I was as a child. I allowed my circumstances in life to completely diminish myself and to bring down my confidence. And for that, I suffered completely.

So somebody who's in this on the same kind of journey, and I know you help people to reveal, you know, the best version of themselves. Your advice would be to be aware of it, to be able to track it over time, to be able to also have that remembrance of what it was like before we— some people would say lost their confidence. And that's a really powerful exercise also. Even when you asked the question, I mean, no one's ever asked me that question before, but just to even— talk about it, I started feeling more of it. What would you say to somebody who also has the external environment, you know, that they have people in their lives that are not just energy vampires, but they don't encourage them— not only not encourage them, but they do the opposite. You know, they make them feel less, and they maybe steal their confidence. You know, maybe they work with those people, maybe they're employed by those people, maybe they maybe even live with those people.

You know, I didn't believe this years ago when people said it to me. I was like, yeah, right, because I was stuck in that hole of darkness. But you create your own reality. So if you're in an environment where someone speaks negative— negatively towards you, tells you bad things, makes you feel horrible, you're actually doing it to yourself. Because nothing anyone can say can affect you. Only you can affect you. So if you take negative words in and you allow them to make you feel horrible, you're actually doing that to yourself. And the way around it is you have to really censor who's in your life and how much time you spend with them. And I have people say, oh, but you know, I'm— I have family. My mom is this way. Then stop hanging out with your mom. I know that sounds really harsh, but if your mom is constantly negative towards you and she's saying things that hurt your feelings and make you feel bad, first of all, you need to reset the way you listen to her. And then you need to minimize your time with her. It's not that you never have to see her again, but don't spend so much time with her. When I was a child and my dad was so abusive to us, I mean, especially when I was going to college, he was the worst. I was never ever home. I filled my life with volunteer work. I was doing trade pageants. I was working trade shows. I was going to university. I was hanging out with friends. I was actually at home probably 6 hours a night. And those were when I was sleeping. So, I was always away. And I was still lovely and kind to my father, but I didn't expose myself to him. I got too busy for him. And if you were in a situation where you can't leave, so the person's living with you, you're even their caregiver, it's your own mindset. I have an amazingly beautiful friend. Her name is Joette. She's like so lovely. You would love her, Jim. And she is right now living with someone who is mentally abusive to her, and she's caretaking for them. So what she does is every time they say something, she gives a little laugh. And then she says, you're so cranky today, in her mind about them. And she resets her brain and she goes in a different direction. She does not let their negative, horrible words impact her or the way she sees herself or her life. So it's always starting with yourself, how you see things, how you take information in, how you process them, and how much exposure you give yourself to the elements that are causing these yucky feelings.

Good. Very, very good advice. And when we're talking about confidence, you know, if we take it to the extreme, we're not, we're not talking about arrogance, right?

No, there's a big difference between confidence and arrogance. I actually love this one.

Okay.

So Confidence is— this is interesting. Confidence is knowing you're good at something.

Mm-hmm.

So, I know I'm good at taking photos of people. I know I'm good at helping people see and reveal themselves, right? Arrogance is thinking you're good. I think I'm good at it. So, you know what I'm talking about? When you see someone walk into a room and they look like a total badass, And they act like they can do whatever that thing is that they're there for, right? They just act like a badass, but then they mess up and they don't do a good job. And then because they mess up and don't do a good job, they blame everything at the event. They blame the microphone, they blame the host, they blame the situation, they blame the traffic, whatever. They're always blaming things. That's arrogance. But then you see the person walk in, and no matter what happens, The stage could collapse, the lights could go off, the cameras could go off, it doesn't matter. And they're just like burning through it like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're having a great time and they don't care what happens. That's confidence. So confidence is knowing you're good. Arrogance is just thinking you're good.

I love it. Everyone take note. You need to know yourself. You need to also trust yourself. And you most importantly need to be yourself. Sandy, thank you so much for being on our show. And I want to have you back to talk about self-esteem In the meantime, where can people stay connected with you if they want to? Maybe on social media.

Yeah, my social media on most places is Sandy in Focus. Sandy in Focus. And on LinkedIn, it's Sandy Grigsby. That one's easy. And Sandy in Focus on Facebook, on Instagram. I'm mostly active on Instagram. And if you want to learn more about what I do, confidence and personal branding, check out my reels. They are on fire right now and they're so much fun to watch. I watch them myself a lot. My, my Ken, my boyfriend, he watches them on loop. I've actually walked into him. I walked, I snuck up on him. He was downstairs and I looked over the balcony and there he was watching my videos on loop.

It was so cute.

But yeah, that's where you can find me.

If anyone's interested in, in personal branding, image, and also maybe more catalyzing more confidence, definitely not only look at what Sandy's doing, but look at the manner in which she's doing it. You know, and then, you know, you— I believe the life we live are the lessons we teach. So follow her on social media. In fact, take a screenshot. I encourage everyone to watch this on YouTube, you know, so people can see this on video. And that's where you put more of the, the longer version beyond 20 minutes. So make sure you subscribe there and, uh, take a screenshot of it and tag Sandy, tag myself. And, uh, maybe—

Hold on, let me make a really good face, Jim. Here.

Okay, here you go.

Because you know what happens when people screenshot you, you've got the stupid mouth going on.

Okay. Not good for your branding. World-class photographer. All right, so let's listen to this and then, um, and then post it so we get to see it. And, uh, and, and I'll, and I'll, and I'm, and we'll repost some of, some of our favorites. You can be creative like that. And, um, and also you have, you will put everything in our show notes as we always do. And you have a, you have a quiz, right?

Yes, my quiz is for you to discover how exposed your personal brand is, and it actually dives into confidence. So if you take the quiz, you'll learn how confident you are, and some people are pleasantly surprised. So it's confidencejam.com/quiz.

confidencejam.com/quiz. We'll put that link also as well in the show notes at jimkwik.com/notes. That's where you can find the notes for all our shows. And, uh, Sandy, thank you again for, for being on our show. And we can't wait to have you back.

Thank you so much, Jim.

Hi, Kwik Brain. It's your brain coach. I want to thank you so much for watching this video. 3 things to do. Number 1, make sure you share this, because when you teach something, you get to learn it twice. Update your learning so you can update other people's learning as well. Number 2, make sure you subscribe to this channel so you don't miss a thing, because if you miss a video, you miss a lot. And finally, make sure you hit that bell so you're Notified and you find out when we put out the latest and the greatest. One extra thing, if you want really close attention, then text me. Here is my phone number: 310-299-9362. Did you remember that number?

310-299-9362.

Shoot me a text and we'll stay in touch. Ask me your burning question. And I wish your days be full of lots of life, lots of love, lots of laughter, and always lots of learning. I'll see you in our next video.

Bye.