How to Keep Yourself from Burning Out - with Nicole Lapin | Jim Kwik

Welcome back, Kwik Brain. Your question for today is, how do you keep from burning out? And I think this is something everybody's struggling with right now. Everyone's working so hard and they feel like they're not working hard enough. They're trying to get to the bottom of their to-do list. And I'm excited to have this conversation with Nicole Lapin, and she has a brand new book called Becoming Superwoman. And I would say that this episode is not just for Superwoman as for Superman too.

Men too, totally. Yeah.

Good, because we can also burn out also.

Absolutely. And that space is so important. So notice that it doesn't say Superwoman, like the character, right? And just becoming a super space woman, or a super space man. And that space allows for you, the person, because so often we just don't put our oxygen mask on first before helping others. They don't say that in the plane just to fill time before takeoff. And working like crazy is driving us It happened to me. I completely burned out. And so I knew if it was happening to me, then it was happening to so many others, men and women included.

So people see you, all of us, from the outside, right? They know you're a New York Times bestselling author. You're an anchor on CNN and CNBC.

All the alphabet soups.

Right, right. Financial correspondent for the Today Show. And you're doing your— you're on stages, you're on television, you're writing books.

Trying to be all things to all people means you're nothing to yourself. And I think so often we just try to do it all and we think we can't have it all. And there's a huge difference between doing it all and having it all. People often say, can I have it all? Right? That's the big question.

Right.

And my answer is yes, but only if you define what having it all means. So what does it all mean to you? And first, if you define that, then you can actually achieve it without changing the bar all the time. We never get our brains to the other side of happiness or balance. We always think when we get there, then we'll be happy. When we get this amount of money or that salary, and then we compare ourselves to others and we say, they must have it all. Oh, that's so funny. But first it's like, hey, actually figure out what having it all is. Maybe you're already there and that's okay.

And you don't have to keep changing the goalposts because that's the recipe So it's really tough on our mental health, because people aren't having this conversation enough when they're comparing themselves to everybody else, especially in the world that we live in now where you have social media. And everyone's looking at everybody's perfect, highly filtered, curated life, and the grass is always greener. But maybe it's not greener. Maybe it's, maybe it's artificial turf. There's this whole digital depression. And you and I were talking about burnout and how the World Health Organization I mean, this is an official, like, thing that's going on.

It's an official condition now because it is so widespread. I did the largest study ever done on burnout, and it found that women are nearing burnout and breakdowns in the 80% level. And what's so fascinating about that is that only 50% of us think that there's a problem. You know, there's a difference between swimming and not drowning. Not drowning is not okay either. And so I think when we look at those statistics, we realize we're not alone, and that there is something that has to change. We've leaned so far into everything that we're falling over.

If you feel burnt out or you feel so exhausted and you feel so tired, maybe it's not because you're doing too much. Maybe you're not doing enough of the things that make you come alive and feel alive. Where does self-love and self-care come into the equation?

I think that self-care is the biggest asset or liability in your career. So I'm the business lady. I wrote business books and finance books, and I redefined the financial dictionary in real English. This is probably also why I'm single. single and have no life is because in the back of my books, I rewrite dictionaries. And so using finance terms, I think that self-care, when it's off, it can crush you. It can bring you to rock bottom like it did for me. And when it's on point, it can bring you more success than you ever imagined. And you're right, comparison is the thief of all joy. And that's what happens when we're constantly on social media. So when I experienced burnout and a subsequent breakdown, I got off I did a complete digital detox. I took all the apps off my phone and I felt like I was going through withdrawal. I felt like I was addicted, right? My book, all of my books are 12-step plans because the first step is admitting you have a problem. And we all have issues. I have more issues than Vogue. But it's first when you actually say what that problem is that you take away some of its power and you can actually address it.

You're pretty explicit in terms of what you share in terms of your personal life and Yeah, I always am. You always are. I mean, you're so raw and real. And I think that's why it's so relevant right now more than ever to have these kinds of conversations, because I think people feel like they're alone. They're going through these challenges by themselves, and everyone else has it all figured out.

And from the outside, it looked like I had it all figured out, right? I was this New York Times bestselling author. I was promoting my second book. I had been on TV network news for more than a decade. And so from all outward appearances, I looked like I had everything. Everything on point. And the number one question I kept getting asked at events across the country was, how do you stay so balanced all the time? And the real answer is I never lied to my readers, or like you, you know, people can tell whether you're being real or not. And the only way I know how to tell a story is to tell it really honestly. And so I said, I'm not, I'm not balanced. And in fact, you can't pour from an empty cup. And my cup was so empty. And I came up with a system of how to actually do that, how to hack balance and productivity and happiness in a tangible way, not this woo-woo stuff. I went on this whole mission because right after my second book tour, I had a complete mental, physical, and emotional burnout and subsequent breakdown that led me to an emergency hospitalization where I had to rethink everything. I had hit my own personal rock bottom, even from Instagram and all outward appearances, it looked like I was on top of the world. And that's when I needed to rethink everything and how I was working and how I was managing my own day and my own time and my own self-care. So I say that emotional wellness, which is a combination of emotional intelligence or EQ and mental wellness, so emotional wellness is actually the biggest asset or liability in your career. It's not whether you go to networking events or get your MBA or do anything. If you're in the psych ward like I was, like everything gets canceled. And so nothing matters anymore. And so when you have no points to that section of your life, of the emotional wellness, and you put all of, all of your time and energy in other places, it's gonna demand all of your time and energy if you neglect it for too long.

And they don't teach you this in even school, like what you teach in terms of financial literacy, that's not taught in school, but certainly they don't teach emotional and social well-being and intelligence.

It's crazy. I used to think that if I were in charge of the world, I would have money and financial literacy and business literacy be taught in schools. Like we learn the most ridiculous things, the Pythagorean theorem, how to dissect a frog, you know, geometry, and we don't learn how to do a budget or taxes or business plan, which would be so much more valuable, which is why I created online courses to hopefully fill that void. But now I truly realize the other thing is emotional wellness and self-care.

Everyone, I think, could relate to this because everyone feels like they're on the verge of, of a breakdown or burning out, and they're trying to achieve some kind of balance. What would you recommend For somebody watching or listening to this, where would they— where do they start?

So the studies that I've looked at, and I tried to get like cold hard facts, you know, our brains work very similarly like that. Like, I didn't want any woo-woo stuff. And I tried everything just by trial and error. And I didn't come to it as a scientist or a therapist. I just came to this as someone who was an expert more in self-hate than self-love. And I just needed to figure out for myself how to get it together. And so the studied ways to increase your happiness and balance levels are meditation, gratitude, sleep, exercise. These are things you talk about on the show all the time, of course. But for me, I hated the idea of meditation.

Right.

I was like, I'm not gonna go to this studio and pay them a bunch of money or get this app that I pay to be in silence or do this like Om Shanti thing. I'm so confused as to what— like, what— I can't even even wrap my head around that. And so I found alternative ways to do all of these things that worked for me. So I found that if I took new classes, I learned how to do latte art making, or archery, or tomahawk throwing, or all these random courses that I found in New York City or outside of the city that were repetitive. I just found that that was meditative for me. And then my routine was non-negotiable. So I used to have a routine where I let somebody hijack my day, checking my phone the first thing I did when I woke up. And I I just went into what other people had as their priorities instead of setting intentions and setting the boundaries for myself. I learned so much about boundaries. That's something we definitely don't learn. And as another superwoman, Shonda Rhimes, says, no is a complete sentence. And you can say no in work and still get ahead. In fact, the more I say no and the more I draw a hard line and hard boundaries, the more success I actually have because I'm, I'm more clear on what I want and I set people's expectations up. You know, we're so worried about letting people down by saying no. But in fact, if you don't have time or bandwidth yourself to do something, then you're letting somebody down even more because you're not following through, you're just not able to.

Right. And then that's another open loop you have, which creates stress and energies going there and, and that. But I think for self-love, I mean, you hear this phrase self-care and self-love, you know, are not selfish. But saying— when you say yes to somebody, you have to make sure you're not saying no to yourself.

That's right.

Because you have to protect— you have to set boundaries and borders and protect your time, your energy, your emotions, your mental well-being. Because just like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before anybody else.

Well, selfish is considered a diss, right? It's considered a criticism, especially for women. And you know what's considered a compliment is being selfless. And I say when somebody calls you selfish, just say thank you. Like, that is actually taking care of yourself. Being selfless is what should be the disc.

And I think that Hollywood and, you know, movies and television, they built this thing where you're looking for somebody to complete you or save you, right? Yeah. And so I think it's like this mass hypnosis in marketing and media that for everybody that we have to get, you know, be 100% for ourselves. And how can we do that if we're not? What you nourish flourishes, right? And that's what we need to be able to do.

Yeah, if you want to say, you complete me, look in the mirror and do it.

I like that. Amazing. So where else? What else would you recommend for somebody? So we have borders, and we have boundaries, we're protecting our time, our energy, we're not overcommitting to stuff by saying yes to something because we say no to ourselves.

Yeah, time is our most valuable asset. I mean, I talk about assets all the time. In terms of money, you can always get more money, you can't get more time. You and I are part of this group where that My Intent bracelet is. Chris, who started that company. And so every time he asked me to write a word, I don't— what do you write?

Mine is always different. It's always depending on the time in your life. I had one that said superhero. And it was like a superhero space you. And yeah, but I like that. I think that part of us is, I mean, just to be a superhuman, not superhuman, like super productive. That's wonderful if you could do that. But just being a superhuman being.

Yeah. And that's my whole— totally, that's my whole mantra. I used to put time on there. And it reminds me that, you know, it is our most valuable asset. And I think the idea of being a superwoman or a super space hero, you know, that space allows for you. And when you need a hero, you're not expecting somebody to swoop in and save you. When I needed a hero in my darkest moment, I had to become one. I couldn't depend on anybody else to do that for me. And I knew that the journey since then would largely be one that was a solo journey, and I needed to get down with that. And I didn't really even know myself, much less like was able to put a ring on my finger. You know, my childhood self wanted this Tiffany blue box, and it didn't stipulate in my imagination that there was a guy behind that. So I had that story come to fruition. It was just You know, a little bit different than I would have expected.

I love that so much. What would you challenge everybody here to do? What's one thing that they could do to own like more of who they are?

So what is a quick challenge you could do is counting how many times you say I'm sorry during the day. And so when I first did that, I felt like I was apologizing for everything. And so it puts you in a place of weakness just by the basic things that you say and how you carry yourself. So I said it about 50 times a day, which was nuts. Like when somebody bumped into me, I would say, I'm sorry. Right? And so once I was aware of the problem and had that self-awareness, I could tackle it. So that's my quick challenge for you. If you want more of a challenge, I would suggest coming up with your goals in 1, 3, 5, 7, 10-year increments because they're more bite-sized in the 4 Fs, in family, finance, Fun. And the new one in this book is fitness, which is mental fitness.

Ooh.

And if you don't know the destination, there's no way for you to get there. You know, we have these long to-do lists. I also challenge people to see what they value most by listing the top 5 things they value. Coming up with what you want and what that picture looks like to you and staying true to that is ultimately what's gonna create longevity and long-term success. sustainable balance and stave off the burnouts and the breakdowns. We don't want those. I like alliteration, but those other 2 can be done with.

And balance is not something that you necessarily have. Once you have balance, you just have it. It's something you do. So it's more of a verb.

Every day.

Every day.

I used to cancel meetings with myself all the time. Like if something from work came up and I had a workout scheduled, I would be like, yeah, no problem. I have nothing to do. No, no. I had a meeting with myself. We think 1,000 times before canceling on other people, right? We don't want to let it anyone else down. But we would be so quick to say, you know, yeah, for sure, I'm gonna cancel on myself, no problem. But keeping those commitments to yourself, um, I think is, is so important. And it's a skill that we just have to practice every single day.

I feel like the best teachers are the best students.

Lifelong.

Sometimes we teach, including myself, you know, my learning challenges, you teach the thing that, that you need to learn. The most. And, and I appreciate you being— wearing the cape that you wear because, you know, once you share your story, you could inspire other people to be able to make better change for themselves. Because the ultimate quest we're all on is just to, to be able to reach or be able to realize more of, of that balance and that potential. But it really starts with saying no to a lot of things that are out there so you can say yes to yourself. and having the— and protecting your time, protecting your energy, protecting your joy, which you nourish flourishes. And you're just glowing now. So I just, I appreciate what you do.

Thank you.

Because this is the most important topic that people are not talking about enough. And now that we know that this is, you know, when we're talking about burnout, this is— if you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of your career, the people around you, to be able to serve your your mission or any of that unless this is okay. And this is whole. So I highly recommend everybody goes out and gets this book. You don't have to go out, you could go online. Becoming Superwoman. This is, um, this is again, amazing for men to read and also for men to get for the women that they care about. How do people stay in touch with you? Or find out more?

@NicoleLappin wherever social media is served. nicolelappin.com. And we have a course coming out at the same time as the book called The Balance School. So it's an online masterclass that has worksheets and quizzes and a community so you can share your stories and remember that you're not alone.

Amazing. I love that so much. Thank you. I challenge everybody right now to take a screenshot of this video or this podcast, tag Nicole, tag me in it so we see it. And what I want you to do is share your best tip for getting out of burnout, because we would love to read it. Because when you teach something, You get to learn it twice. So thanks for being on.

It's a twofer.

I know.

Thank you.