How to Overcome Fear of Failure | Mia Lux & Jim Kwik

Welcome back, Kwik Brain. Your question for today, and this is gonna be a deep, interesting one: how do you overcome your fears of failure? And a bonus on lucid dreaming, something people have been asking for for the past 2 years since I've mentioned it as part of my morning routine. This is your episode, and I'm excited to have a very special guest.

Hi.

on the show today. She is a recovering attorney. She is a comedian. She is the host of the Conscious-ish— say that— podcast. Mia Luxe, thank you so much for being on the show.

Thanks for having me, Jim.

I've been looking forward to this for so long.

Me too.

So I think a lot of our listeners, a lot of our viewers struggle. They've shared with us in our private Facebook group on social media that what's keeping them from progressing in their life to being this kind of limitless state is the fear of looking bad, that they wanna be perfect and they have the fear of, of failure. And so, um, were you dealing with this yourself?

Yeah. And I think it's, you know, I was reflecting on this and I think it's really important even to differentiate between the fear of failure and perfectionism.

Mm-hmm.

Because failing is one thing. Failing is like, oh, you tried something, it didn't even work. Perfectionism is so much worse than that because perfectionism is even doing really well gets you to just, I'm okay. Perfectionism— like, I remember my standard for like, did I pass, was did I blow them out of the water? So if I did well, I felt like I was failing. So it wasn't even a fear of failing. It wasn't even like I did it bad. I just didn't do it so sensationally well that everyone was mind-blown forever.

Mm-hmm.

And so that— when you're at that degree of like self-criticism, I mean, you can't win. And so that's why you'll see people who, who, even though you'd be like, but they're doing so well, they're so high achieving, they're so successful, they're not failing, but they're in this like crazy criticism spiral. Like they feel like they're failing because they're so perfectionist about it. So I burned out as a lawyer. I retrained as a high school teacher, worked with kids with learning behavioral difficulties, loved my job, but worked harder as a teacher than I ever worked as a lawyer.

Wow.

And, you know, because you do, because I'm like, I'm— I've made all my own curriculum, I made all my own resources, I was so dedicated. But this, this brain loop of like perfectionism, you know, I'm getting up and I'm doing this work with these kids and then I'm not seeing instant results, right? I'm like, these kids haven't like radically transformed yet, I'm failing, work harder. Okay, next day, still not transformed, I'm failing, work harder. And after like 10 months— it only took 10 months, Jim. And I had like full adrenal fatigue. Like I couldn't get out of bed. I had to resign. It was heartbreaking. And that's when I realized, like, I was like, okay, there's something in me.

Right.

That is complete— it's like this is a monster in me that is destroying me inside out. And so I asked myself, like, I think it's to do with failure. Like I felt like— and failure not just in the terms of failing. I didn't fail as a lawyer. I didn't actually fail as a high school teacher. I felt like I was failing. So it had to do with perceived failure.

And that's something everybody could benefit from, this, like, when they're on their pursuits. And are you really failing?

Are you even failing?

Right.

Like, it's most of the time we're really not even failing. We are failing according to whatever uniquely constructed perceptions we have about where we should be.

Right. And failure and mistakes are, you know, there's, you know, we, we can make mistakes, but mistakes don't have to make us.

Correct.

Very much so.

And, and, and you, and you'll see people who have very different models. And that's what I was seeing. I'm looking at other people who are, who are showing up in a different way. They're making mistakes and they're getting up and they're having a great time. And I'm doing everything right and getting it right and still feeling like I'm failing. So I got this, like, there's something broken in my software. Like some, there's some loop that I'm running that is not functional. And so I thought, okay, well, if I, if I'm going to Learn how to fail. I don't want to do it intellectually. Like you can read a book about failure, and that's great. But failure, feeling like you're failing—it's a it's like a feeling in your body. It's like a like all. And so I realized that comedy, doing stand-up comedy for me, was a way to practice failure because you are triggering it in such an extreme and visceral way. Because when you get up on stage in front of people, first of all, public speaking in general, terrifying. Like it's just terrifying. You know, terrifying for people getting up in front of people and being like. I think I'm really funny and I'm gonna make you laugh adds like 300% pressure, right? And even if you're the best standup comedian in the world, you will still bomb. Like, you cannot do comedy and not fail the vast majority of the time. And when you're learning, you can't do standup comedy and not fail 80% of the time. It's a part of it. And so for me, learning to get up And learning to hold that as the goal was the process. So I would shift my success criteria to, did I write something I thought funny? Did I get up and did I perform it? And so what I learned to do was to get up and even though my brain would be screaming at me, like, and even like I'd tell a joke and I tell you there is very few more painful social experiences than being in front of an audience telling a joke and just silence.

Silence.

just like stone-cold faces and silence, and, and everything in your body is saying like, you're failing, like, you're— this is the end of the world. To go through that experience and come out the other side and be like, like, nothing's changed, like, I'm completely okay, like, I'm totally fine, like, nothing— actually, nothing's gone wrong. And I was like, oh, it's like you survive it, like, and then you do it again. And every time it's like a desensitization in the brain where— And now my brain doesn't scream at me like that anymore. Now when I'm failing, like if something's not going right, like it doesn't come in that kind of visceral body flood survival mechanism breakdown. And, and for me, comedy was a constructive, deliberate, intentional way to practice that, to activate the feeling in my body and to be with it in what my brain knows is a low-stakes scenario. Like, like nothing bad is gonna happen.

Right.

Even if you suck.

And it's just sometimes our biology, our nervous system, it's hijacked. Our amygdala feels like there's a saber-toothed tiger in the audience and we're reacting that way.

And you'll feel it, like you'll feel the heat, you'll sweat, like you'll have those extreme physiological responses. And I think that's a really powerful thing to work through. And the more you desensitize, right, like the less— I don't get that anymore. Like sometimes I'll have like, I'll get like a bit like, oh, like internal cringe, like, oh, it didn't work. But I'm not having this Powerful negative physiological response anymore, which is what drove so much of my life before.

And that showed up on stage and off stage.

Absolutely.

So in those situations where maybe you would be prompted or triggered, that conditioning showed up and you had feel more emotionally fit.

Yes.

And it's in a situation where you felt like maybe in the past you would need to be perfect or show up, then, uh, then you were more resilient. So what would your challenge be for people who are listening right now? Should they— are you saying that everybody who's listening who struggles with perfectionism and fear of failure should just—

Go to an open mic? You know, I love to take my friends to open mics, so I actually do. I do. I love to do that. I also don't think that's everybody's answer, right? But, but I think there is something for everybody.

There's—

everybody has something in their life, some small, safe, constructive space that they could fail. And I think the trick is to figure out like, what does that look like for you? And really to make failure like the goal, like understanding that whatever you pick— and it could be, for instance, you could just pick something you're not good at.

Yeah.

It could be a new sport, something which is going to require time and resilience, something that's gonna be like, okay, well, for the first week of doing this, I'm going to repeatedly fail. And to be so in and curious and like focused on that experience of being like, huh, what's it gonna be like to be, you know, in my 30s or my 40s? And to pick up something that I am like as good as a 5-year-old in.

I agree with you that change can't just happen intellectually because that challenge didn't come intellectually through a conversation, so it's hard to fix with the conversation, you know, but getting an experience and that creates a metaphor. Now you have another way of dealing with fear that you and I have geeked out about, shared experience that our audience have asked about a lot, and so they're going to be very thankful that you are our guest today. One of the ways of dealing and facing your fears is through your dream state. Well, first let's define lucid dreaming.

Yeah, let's— and I just want to say as well, like, I am not a lucid dreaming teacher per se. I'm obsessive about it. It's one of the bigger parts of my life. It's the biggest and most impactful spiritual practice I ever used. I've read a lot about it and I've had the pleasure of working with Charlie Morley, who has been my kind of lucid dreaming guide in this. And why it's so powerful, of course, is that It's you can't again. You can't learn it intellectually. It's experiential. Okay, so let's define it. So lucid dreaming is the is really the the act of being conscious in your dream while dreaming. So normally we're in a dream state and we are we don't know that we're dreaming. Just like we walk through our waking life, we don't think about it so much. You're in your dream. You're like you could be a prince or a princess or this or that. And just like da da da da. And some of us will have this spontaneously where at some point we go. Wait, is this, is this a dream? And everyone at some point has usually had some kind of experience like this. And usually the brain will try to get you like, nope, it's not a dream. It'll give you like some ridiculous explanation for why there's a flying elephant, right?

You're saying that you could also use it to deal with the things that you fear and, and help bring yourself to some resolution.

So, I mean, there's so many practices you can do in a lucid dream. And the— for me, some of the most powerful ones I found in terms of like really embracing the stuff that I fear is your, your, your brain. And like, I find my dreams and my unconscious mind is so symbolic, right? Like, it'll— you work with the symbolic imagery of the dream. When you get lucid, it's not like you control the dream. You're not just like, do this dream, do that. But you have a really powerful kind of co-creative influence with the dream in that moment. So for instance, I would like— I would ask— to meet the aspects of myself. So like once I asked, I asked to meet the fear, my fear of success. I was at the point where I was just about to release my show and I just hit this like, you know, you talk about mindset. I hit like a limiting belief in my mindset about, uh, what it meant to be successful. And I felt like there was something was holding me back. So in my lucid dream, I said, I said to the dream, uh, I'd like to meet my fear of success.

And you did this like before you go to bed or?

Yeah. Like I like to have a dream plan. Like there's a, there's a real process because Dream memory, intentionality, motivation— these are, like, the biggest things in terms of, like, getting lucid, staying lucid. You have to learn how to stabilize a dream. You know, it could take about 2 weeks, sometimes 2 months to learn how to—

Sure. It's a skill.

It's a skill. And so once you have those basic skills down, then your capacity to interact and call and ask for things— your mind responds. And so I ask to meet my fear of success, and out will come a dream figure that embodies it. I can have a conversation, and I'll say, well, you know, what is this? And the fear of success says, I don't think you're gonna be happy if you make it. Successful people aren't happy.

Wow.

Right? And it's just like very, very nerdy woman with a clipboard. Like, she has a whole personality.

Oh wow.

And she comes out like— and I'm able to have the conversation. And then like the work that Charlie Morley has helped me with is like then to integrate. I hug and I say, I'm sorry, I accept, I integrate you, I love you. And often those dream figures will then like transform and change. In a lucid dream, Everything feels as real as real life feels. Like, there is everything. You could— there's, there's the touch.

This could be a dream.

You really get that your, your brain is capable of producing the most unbelievably high-tech 3D simulator you've ever stepped into. Like, VR is like nothing. And it can create architecture and sunsets and plants and flowers and people's faces and textures and gravity. And so if you, if you're someone like me, I have perfectionism. All the little micro fears of my psyche that have been chipping away at me, having a essentially, you know, a, a real 3D simulator to interact with them and to ask questions and relate to them and heal them, it's— it is the most powerful sort of psychological spiritual work I think that people can do.

Amazing. I love this so much. What would be one tip for somebody who's listening to just begin their first step into lucid dreaming? I'm sure some people do it naturally.

Yes, but I mean, it is— it's really— you need to— dream recall is the biggest thing. And it seems like you already have a show about that, so make sure you watch Jim's show, Dream Recall. I have a dream journal every day no matter what, and then you're training your brain to be like, dreams are important. But then the other part of it is The reason why we don't wake up in our dreams is because we're so mindless in our lives.

Mm-hmm.

And so the practice I call like reality checks, it's like I walk through my life and I, and as often as I can, I stop and I go, is this a dream? And then like I literally, I do a reality check where, this is really good, I look at my hands, I'll pick one spot on my hand, focus on it, flip my hand, flip it back. In a dream, your brain finds it really hard to replicate your hand perfectly. Right. You'll lose a finger, it won't look— and that's why I do a check like, am I dreaming? There's a bunch of different reality checks you can do. So if I get the suspicion I'm dreaming, I'll check. And I— if I do that every— like, I do it, try to do it 10, 20 times a day. Like, you really want to like get lucid, and you just start doing it in your dreams. You'll find yourself in your dream talking about lucid dreaming to somebody. Like, I've had dreams where I'm like, yeah, it's this lucid dreaming thing, and then you do this thing, you do this reality check, you do this. I do it in the dream, and then my finger goes— I'm like, wait, I'm dreaming right now!

Right, exactly. So it's one of those things where I think people have Have thought about something all day and then they dream about it. Correct. And so training yourself with a simple habit of asking yourself, is this a dream? Is this a dream? Is this a dream?

Mindfulness, like looking at something.

And then the first time the answer is yes, then you're, you're in a lucid dream because you'll probably use that same languaging and that habit while you're dreaming.

Exactly. And don't be disappointed, like, if you get lucid for the first time and what happens is often we get lucid we get so excited we might just wake up instantly. Like, that's very normal. Like, there's a— there's an art to it, but just the thrill of, of getting lucid and, and being in your own mind in this kind of very beautiful, very real way, uh, it is— for anyone who's interested in knowing themselves better, doing healing work, it's powerful.

I would challenge everybody who's watching this right now as we come to a close is that, you know, when we're talking about fears You know, it's often they're not, they're not real, and there's something that's maybe learned. And to seek out tools and resources, whether it is comedy or lucid dreaming or something else, to help you to, to embrace it in a way where you're still physically safe, but you could get acclimated to it, and you could see what that fear is actually, actually teaching us. This is amazing. I would challenge everybody to do this, is to to take a screenshot of this episode, of this video, and tag Mia, tag myself on Instagram or Facebook or Twitter or all those social media fancy things and share. I'm curious, what— maybe have you experienced a lucid dream before? Is this something that you've done? And share that on social media, you know, and for our favorites, I will actually repost them. So how do people find— get more information about what you're doing?

So my show, The Conscious-ish Show, it's like a late-night comedy-style show but with personal growth. And there's actually an episode with Charlie Morley on lucid dreaming. We do an extended interview about really going into the spiritual aspects and also like how to actually get there. And so you can find that at consciousish.com or on Instagram, you know, @consciousish. And, and that— yeah, so season 1 is completely up now and it's free. It's a digital show and it's, it's It's the lighter side, like learning to laugh at some of the, some of the most profound, also most challenging parts of our lives.

Yeah, this is true. And I, I can't recommend it highly enough because part of it is bringing comedy into meditation and eating that diet and all the topics that you discuss, which is, which is in a way hilarious. I'll put, of course, all the links to your social media and to your show at jimkwik.com. /notes in the show notes. And, uh, Mia, thanks for being on.

Thanks, Ryan. It's your brain coach. I want to thank you so much for watching this video. 3 things to do. Number 1, make sure you share this, because when you teach something, you get to learn it twice. Update your learning so you can update other people's learning as well. Number 2, make sure you subscribe to this channel so you don't miss a thing, because if you miss a video, you miss a lot. And finally, make sure you hit that bell so you're notified and you find out when We put out the latest and the greatest. One extra thing, if you want really close attention, then text me. Here is my phone number, 310-299-9362.

Did you remember that number?

310-299-9362. Shoot me a text and we'll stay in touch. Ask me your burning question. And I wish your days be full of lots of life, lots of love, lots of laughter, and always—

Love.

Lots of learning. I'll see you in our next video.