How to Raise Confident, Kind, and Responsible Kids | Dr. Daniel Amen & Jim Kwik

Stop doing things that hurt it. Know the list and do things that help it.

Raising mentally strong kids in today's world is a challenge like never before. From the alarming trends in mental health to the hidden dangers that harm our brains, parents face an uphill battle.

What's happening is actually horrifying. 54% of teenage girls report being persistently sad.

In this episode, we'll discover how mental strength impacts your child's success and why letting them make mistakes is crucial for their growth. So join us as we equip you with the tools to raise resilient, competent, and thriving young minds.

Just remember those 3 things: present, firm, and kind. You'll always make good decisions when it comes to your kids.

Love, it could be not doing everything for the children, Because then in a way that will make them, you know, more weak.

We need to make this a worldwide practice to teach young people to love and care for their brains.

As children, they don't do what you say. They'll do more what they see you do, right? They model you.

The best thing to teach a child is competence and responsibility.

Why take into account neuroscience and this practical psychology into successful parenting?

25% of women are on antidepressants. Last year, There were 337 million prescriptions written for antidepressant medications. It's not good. And the way out, I believe, is—

Welcome back, Kwik Brains. I am your host, your brain coach, Jim Kwik. Very dear friend, Dr. Daniel Amen. He's probably been on this podcast more than any other individual. I think we met when he interviewed me for one of his books. Use Your Brain to Change Your Age. So I'm dating myself, but this must have been at least 15 years ago. He needs no introduction. Honestly, if I was to read his CV, it would take up the whole episode. He's a physician, adult and child psychiatrist. He's the founder of the Amen Clinics, which I am a patient at. They have 11 or so locations across the US. Amen Clinics has the world's largest database of brain scans. Totaling more than 210,000 SPECT scans on patients from over, over 150 countries. So he is the place and the person that we refer people to in our community having to do with all things brain health. He helped me bounce back from my TBI. Been scanned by him multiple times. Also in his series where we tell where he scans brains, and I'm probably the least well-known person that he scanned in that series. His mission is to end mental illness. by creating a revolution in brain health. He's written dozens of books. I mean, 40-plus books, including a dozen New York Times bestsellers. His most recent is this book I'm holding. If you're watching this on YouTube, which I encourage you to do because we put the extended version of the show there, it's called Raising Mentally Strong Kids. So how to combine the power of neuroscience with love and logic to grow confident, kind, responsible, and resilient children and young adults. Welcome back to the show, Dr. Amen.

Jim, so great to see you as always. Thank you for helping me spread the word about brain health and mentally strong kids.

Yeah, this is—

There's no challenge.

This will be a great topic. Daniel has keynoted our annual Brainpower Conference many times. We're excited to announce later this year we are resuming. We took a few years, a little break. because of the world. It'll be towards the end of 2024. And, you know, once we lock in that, I'm hoping Daniel will be back for that. Today, we're going to be talking about a very important topic, right? And this is really how to raise mentally strong kids in a rapidly changing world. And so why don't we start with this? I really enjoyed this book. I read it as a new Father, our son just turned 14 months, so I got to reading it from from that context. In it, you advise parents need to care about raising mentally strong kids. That without mental strength, kids will not grow into competent young adults where they could you know where they could really thrive. And so what role does mental strength play in their success? Why don't we why don't we start there before we go into You know, the magic formula?

If children grow up with mental strength, if they grow up believing they have agency and efficacy, and they don't believe every stupid thing that just pops in their head, their mood is better, their relationships are better. And they have a happier, more effective life. And too often parents go, oh, I just love this child so much. I never want them to suffer. And they do way too much for them. And they create weakness. And there are ways around that, that love is not doing too much. And that's often harder, right? Because as you think of your son at 14 months, and I think of now 6 kids, we adopted 3, that it's what really is love is giving them the tools to create a life that they love. If I'm giving them too much, then I create entitlement, and entitled people are never happy people. So I'm very excited. I partnered with Dr. Charles Fay, who's the president of the Love and Logic Institute, and I love his program so much, but there wasn't any neuroscience in it. And I'm like, well, what if we blend brain health and the latest in neurodevelopment neuroscience with this really empowering program? I'm so excited about it, and I'm excited you had me on.

I want to emphasize that, really, really score this, that love, it could be not doing everything for the children, because then in a way that will make them, you know, more weak. That with challenge comes change, right? With struggle leads to strength. I don't know one strong individual that had an easy, easy life, you know, where everything was done, you know, for that individual. What trends are you witnessing regarding mental health of, you know, in your clinic, as you see patients for the young generation, kids, teens, young adults? Are you witnessing concerning trends in this area of mental health?

Horrifying. What's happening is actually horrifying. There's a new study the CDC put out. 54%, 5-4%, more than half of teenage girls report being persistently sad. 32% have thought of killing themselves. 24% have planned to kill themselves, and 13% have actually tried to kill themselves. It's like these are statistics never before seen in recorded history. And the incidence of addictions, ADHD, depression are escalating in boys and young men. And we have to go, why? And these trends actually occurred before the pandemic. But have accelerated since then. 25% of women are on antidepressants. Last year, there were 337 million prescriptions written for antidepressant medications. It's not good. And the way out, I believe, is through brain health.

Yeah.

And attachment. So what's the most important thing parents can do? They can create a solid bond. Now, that bond doesn't mean doing everything for them, but it's time with them, right? We live in a distracted society where we don't put our phones down ever.

And listening.

And if you do this exercise, I don't know if you've ever— and I've ever talked about special time, but it's just the most powerful exercise that I discovered a long time ago is just spend 20 minutes a day with your son doing something he wants to do. And during that time, no commands, no questions. No directions. It's just be in his space. And at 14 months, it's sit on the floor and play blocks or something like that with him. And then just be a really good listener. I find parents talk way too much and talk over children and are not very good at listening to them. So if you have special time, with listening, you notice the bond with them goes up. And the more attached they feel, the less anxious they are, the less distracted they are, the less sad they are. And it's part of this formula for raising mentally strong kids.

These alarming indicators, these trends with these children, what is it that's contributing to harming Their brains. And then this book is full of daily habits. Maybe we can list maybe a couple here because obviously I recommend everyone gets the copy of your book. Daily habits, foods, supplements to support their kids and even their own, right? Because part of raising mentally strong kids is being a mentally strong parent, right? And taking care of your own brain health. Sometimes as caregivers, You know, we're always— we neglect, you know, we're taking care of everybody, taking care of things at work or the responsibilities we have there, children underneath our care. But what would you say if there's one contributing factor to why things are going in this direction? And then maybe we could just mention either a habit or routine, food, nutrition support. To where people could start who are listening? You know, they, they, they realize this is an issue and where, where do we start?

So I've thought a lot about why kids are in trouble and the ultra-processed foods, the distracted parents, social media, the negative news, and toxic products we put on their body. So most people never read the label. They might read the label of the food they feed their kids, but they never read the label of the sunscreen or the shampoo or the lotion they put on their bodies. And I'm absolutely convinced it's those things, social media creating a toxic level of self-esteem, absorption. Self-absorbed kids are never happy kids. And then the news, which you and I both know is not the news anymore, it's negative on purpose to drive eyeballs to sell pharmaceutical medications to the general public. And when you sort of step back as a neuroscientist and you look at what's happening in our society, it's like, well, No wonder it's not going in the right direction. You're absolutely right. The first principle of raising mentally strong kids is becoming mentally strong yourself, because every day you are modeling mental strength or you're modeling weakness. And so taking care of yourself is foundational. And then from a practical standpoint, one, know what you want. Tell all of my parents what goals, what kind— you have to tell your brain what you want. What kind of parent do you want to be? I want to be present. I want to be firm. I want to be kind. Right? And if you just remember those 3 things, present, firm, and kind, you'll always make good decisions when it comes to your kids. The little tiny habits, start every day with them. Hey, today is going to be a great day. And get them, nudge their brain to look for what's right rather than what's wrong. Negativity bias, if you or your child just tends to go to what's wrong, that is foundational for virtually every bad mental health Outcome. It's anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, OCD. Their brains just tend to default to what's wrong rather than what's right. So start every day, hey, today is going to be a great day. What are you looking forward to in your day? And when you put them to bed at night, go, what went well today? And start at the beginning of the day. And it's like, so what went well this morning? And what went well this afternoon? What went well tonight? Because it sets their dreams up to be more positive. And I played a game with Chloe, my 20-year-old, when she was 2. She was 2 when Tan and I got together 18 years ago. And We played a game and we called it Chloe's Game. Is this good for your brain or bad for it? So if I said avocados, she'd go 2 thumbs up. That's butter. If I said blueberries, she'd put her little hands on her hips and go, are they organic? Because non-organic blueberries hold more pesticides than almost any fruit. If I said, what about hitting a soccer ball with your head? Oh, very bad. Your skull is hard and your brain is soft. That's not smart. And so just play with them, brain health, and make it a game. And it helps them so much because brain health is ultimately 3 things. Gotta love your brain, care, stop doing things that hurt it, know the list, And do things that help it. And one secret I talk about in the book is if you tend to have an argumentative oppositional child, if you need to have a discussion with them about something important, take them on a walk. And for the first 10 minutes, don't bring it up. But exercise boosts serotonin availability in the brain. And they become more flexible the longer you're on the walk. See, if you just like brought it up when you're at home, might start a big fight. If you bring it up 10 minutes after you've taken them for a walk, they're going to be more open and more flexible.

Yeah. As your body moves, your brain grooves with children, especially with that little exercise. They'll get some Yeah, out in nature, they get some fresh light and fresh— some fresh air. Dopamine, serotonin, those endorphins, maybe some oxytocin from the connection. I love what you said about with the parents because as children, they don't do what you say. They'll do more what they see you do, right? They model you is the word that you use. And the life we live are the lessons we teach. But if the parent's always on their phones, Or they're quick to anger. They have no state regulation or agency. And that could be the subtext of what you're communicating to your child. And I love these questions where it's not just like, how was your day? And a child just says, good, right? You're asking more thoughtful questions in terms of, well, what went well today? What did they learn today? And that helps them to kind of go through. And I especially like doing that at night because a lot of like you and I make videos on like routines that are good for brain health, but a lot of those you could do with your child and make it fun. And I love that. Is this good for my— is this good for your brain or is this bad for my brain? It's so simple, right? You mentioned neuroscience and you say in the book that the secret to successful parenting lies in the marriage of neuroscience and psychology, right? To create a, you know, like a practical Neuropsychology, you know, neuroscience-based. Maybe you could just, you could paint that a little bit for like a minute. Why is it important when we're looking at parenting? And this is anybody who has a relationship with a child, right? Of any kind of age or stage. You know, why take into account neuroscience and this practical psychology into successful parenting? Are you a high achiever constantly seeking that next level of Welcome to the Quick Success Program. It's a deep dive and support system to master your life and scale to new heights in personal and professional achievement. Included is our exclusive monthly book club where we process transformative ideas from amazing books to level up your learning and your life. We also bring the author to the club to answer your burning questions. You can also participate in monthly live coaching calls with me where your questions meet my decades of expertise. Simply go to kwiksuccess.com. That's kwiksuccess.com and choose the plan that works best for you.

So your brain, the physical functioning of your brain, the moment-by-moment physical function of your brain creates your life, creates how you think, how you feel, how you act, how you get along with other people. And we live in a society where people don't love and care for their brains because you can't see it, right? You can see the wrinkles in your skin or the fat around your belly, and you can do something when you're unhappy with them. But based on all the scans we've done, I'm like, oh, my moment-by-moment habits help my brain be better or they make my brain worse. And so learning to love and care for your brain. And there's one concept, foundational concept of myelinization, where when we're born, not much of our brain is wrapped with myelin. So if you take a neuron, myelinization is where over time that neuron gets wrapped with a white fatty substance called myelin. And myelin makes your neurons, brain cells, work 10 to 100 times faster.

Wow.

And so when your son was born, he didn't have much myelin, but when he was about 2 months old, his occipital lobes in the back The back of his brain became myelinated, and when you would smile at him, he would smile back because his visual cortex worked much faster. Well, myelinization actually slowly starts in the back, and then it's not until about the age of 25 where the prefrontal cortex, the most human thoughtful part of becomes myelinated. And too often, we think of people who are 16, 17, 18, sort of like baby adults. But they're not. And I think that's why God gave us parents, is we still need to be involved in supervising our kids really up to about the age of 25, when our The frontal lobes finally become myelinated. And it's interesting is the insurance industry knew this before neuroscientists knew it because they— when do your insurance rates change? About 25, because you're just much more likely to make a bad decision if you're behind the wheel of a car. And so What hurts myelinization? Marijuana, alcohol. Do you really want to be pouring that stuff in your brain when your brain is undergoing this wild development? Yet we're not teaching teenagers about loving and caring for their brain. And in the book, I talk about our high school course, Brain Thrive by 25, where we've been doing that for 15 years now. And it decreases drug, alcohol, and tobacco use, decreases depression, and improves self-esteem.

Wow.

But we need to make this a worldwide practice to teach young people to love and care for their brains because it's not just about them, what we teach them, it's about generations of you. When a little girl is born, she's born with all of the eggs she'll ever have. And throughout her life, her habits turn on or off certain genes, making illness more or less likely in her, but also in her babies and grandbabies. So it's really important to understand development neuroscience and the practical implications, not just for the kids, but for generations of the kids.

And the more you know about your brain, you teach people to know their brain, to love their brain, to start trusting their brain, and also also really using their brain. We have a group that I know you're familiar with in our community. We have a group called Kwik Success where I come in every month and we coach. And everyone should join at kwiksuccess.com where we also do a book club. And we've had— we featured one of your books, one of your landmark books, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life. And every month we read a book together and we have the author come in. We had a question from this group because we also do some Q&A specific, and one of them was a parent who said that they have a child with ADHD. They're highly sensitive, but they want them to remain mentally strong and to be able to build that. Do they need special support in that area? Or they're asking, how can this person help them help themselves.

So when I was doing my child psychiatry training with ADHD kids, the first year we would do play therapy with them and they didn't get better. And I was very frustrated. The second year we did parent training with their parents and all the kids got better. It was like amazing. So the first thing to do is make sure your interactions with the child, and if you have an ADD child, odds are one or both of the parents have ADD too, because it's highly heritable. It's very genetic. And so it's important for, like, if I see New kids, we always screen mom and dad. I have a questionnaire for mom and dad because it's not helpful to treat the child and send them home to someone who's impulsive or distracted or disorganized or not able to follow through on what I recommend. So everybody in the family who's got it should be recognized and treated. And it doesn't start with medicine, although if we do the natural things from— Diet and exercise and supplements, and it's not better. Absolutely use medicine. You know, I think of people who have ADD sort of like people who need glasses. People who need glasses aren't dumb, crazy, or stupid. Our eyeballs are shaped funny. We wear glasses to focus. Having ADD, your prefrontal cortex and basal ganglia and cerebellum don't turn on when you try to concentrate. And the supplements or medicine turns them on so you can be your best self. So I recommend parents get screened. But it's this program. It's being firm and kind and allowing children to pay the consequences For their actions. And the earlier you start that, the better it is. Like, for example, Tana and Chloe would fuss a lot about homework. And I'm a child psychiatrist. I'm like, stop that. It's like, you've done second grade. That's for her to do. And she didn't listen to me, but she got Parenting with Love and Logic. And a lot of those principles are in this book. And Parenting with Love and Logic goes, if a child has a problem, hand it back to them. And if they don't take care of it, let them pay the consequences. And so one night at dinner, Tana got it and she goes, look, I'm never going to ask you to do your homework again. I did second grade. And as long as you're okay with the consequences, teacher being mad at you, not going out to recess, having to do extra work, then that's on you. And if you really don't do it, you'll make new friends when you repeat 2nd grade. Chloe, like, got all upset and said, I never said I wasn't going to do it. I'm just not going to do it now. She stormed off and she came back 20 minutes later. And for the last 14 years, no one's ever asked her to do her homework.

Hmm.

She holds the anxiety, but she also holds the agency to be responsible for her life. If Chloe forgot her sweater at home, no way Tanner or I are bringing it to her. It's her responsibility. If she forgot her lunch or she forgot her homework, Nobody's bringing it to her. And, you know, she only forgot those things once or twice. And then the best thing to teach a child is competence and responsibility, right? Both you and I know a lot of people who blame other people for the problems in their life. And quite frankly, that's the number one hallmark of self-defeating. behavior. So if you teach them early that, oh, there are consequences to my behavior and I need to be responsible for how my life turns out, it's so good. And when you come, if you have highly successful parents, and a lot of the parents, I think, who watch your program or are part of your community, are very successful. They're like, oh, let me do. Oh, I don't want them to suffer. But that creates more suffering.

I got asked recently, if you were to be able to install into a child or your younger self 2 core beliefs, what would they be? And for me, it was, I am 100% responsible for my life. And the second core belief was, everything is figureoutable. You know, but really, really focusing on that agency that people are responsible for, you know, what they think and how they feel and what they do. Let's talk about mistakes. Why is it important to let kids make mistakes and not immediately fix things for them? Because I know the impulse—

So that you teach them. The impulse is to fix it, right? So they'll stop screaming. The rule in my house is if you have a tantrum to get your way, the answer is no. It's always going to be no. Go for it. And when they have a tantrum, do whatever you can do to not give in to it. And too often parents teach children to be troubled and you just have to be so careful. And many ADD parents will threaten But won't follow through. And you're basically teaching the child to be troubled. And I always remember the words firm and kind, right? So when I feel like yelling, I lower my voice. But, you know, the reason it's important to let them make mistakes is because that's how they learn. And you want them to learn to be 100% responsible. Now, of course, if it's dangerous, you have to protect them, right? If they like one of my kids would just run into the street and I'm like, no, I think I have a little bit of PTSD around that. But I would make sure she was safe. But then I would often say, you know, because I have to watch All the time. You're wearing my energy out and you need to figure out a way to give me my energy back. So that could be through chores or other things she might do to help me feel less stressed. And I love that. And another very practical part of the book is when— because consequences are important, it's how all of us learn. Don't ever get physical. with a child. That's just a mistake, I think. But I think consequences are important. And if a child's misbehaving and you're really upset, it's okay to say, this is not good behavior, and there's going to be a consequence. I have to think about what it is, and I'll get back to you.

Hmm.

It just gives you time to not ground someone for a year, which some parents have done, but to just be more reasonable and try to make it fit so that they learn. Discipline actually comes from the Greek word for disciple, Which is basically to teach. How can I teach? And I think of really great parents like great coaches or great teachers. They notice what you do right and teach when you can do better.

The consequences. So examples could be something like your child goes to a birthday party, they eat all this junk food, but just having them notice how they're feeling afterwards. Right, that there was a consequence to that behavior. Or if they played video games and didn't get a good night's sleep and they feel tired the next day, just making sure that they, they see that, that, that stimulus and response, that, that they, they created that. It didn't just happen, you know, randomly. And then they, they learn through these mistakes because they're stepping stones for developing.

If you said you can play video games for half an hour, And when half an hour is up and you say it's time to stop and they argue with you, a logical consequence would be you take that video console away for a week. Like you're serious about it. Too often kids get addicted to video games. I had one, I actually wrote about it in my book, The Brain Warrior's Way. They took the video console away and he tore up his room.

Hmm.

And I'm like, whoa. And so I scanned him after he was off video games for a month. And then we had him play and I scanned him again right after he played for half an hour. And his brain pattern was consistent with someone who had temporal problems. So these are not innocuous. And technology has been unleashed on our society with very little neuroscience study.

If you're joining us, we're talking about— to Dr. Daniel Amen, premier brain doctor, talking about his latest book, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. Dr. Amen, who did— why should people— why did you write it? Why should people get their copy? And where can they get it?

So I wrote it because kids are in historic trouble with their brain and mental health issues. I think the most powerful way out of this is through parents, is getting parents to be mentally strong and then teaching these principles. It's basically the most important things I've learned being a child psychiatrist over the last 40 years. And, people can get it anywhere great books are sold. And, if they go to raisingmentallystrongkids.com, we have all sorts of very cool preorder gifts for them.

Outstanding. I want to encourage people, if this conversation resonates with you, get your copy of Raising Mentally Strong Kids: How to Combine the Power of Neuroscience with Love and Logic to Grow Confident, Kind, responsible and resilient children and young adults. I would encourage everybody, if you enjoyed this episode, take a screenshot of wherever you're consuming it and post it online. Share it with your family, your friends, your followers, your fans. Tag Dr. Amen. He's all over social media. Tag myself so we get to see it. I'll repost some as I often do, just as a thank you for For spreading the word, because as Dr. Amen's flagship book says, you change your brain, you change your life, and you can change the life of the young adults and children in your life. And better to get them early knowing their brain and loving their brain and using their brain properly so we don't have to do this later in life. So, Dr. Amen, I want to thank you so much.

Thank you.

so much for being on our show again. I appreciate you.

Thanks, Jim. Always grateful to you.

All right, everyone, thank you so much for tuning in. Uh, make sure you subscribe, especially watch the extended version and subscribe on YouTube. Join our 1.5 million subscribers there where we put the extended version of this podcast. Uh, everything we summarize and more at, uh, our show notes at jimkwik.com/notes. There you'll find links Uh, to Dr. Amen's, uh, clinic. Also to the books that we mentioned of his, uh, and so his social media and so much more. Until our next episode, just remember to love your brain and be limitless.