How Unconditional Self-Worth Will Change Your Life | Jamie Kern Lima & Jim Kwik

Every time we show up inauthentically in this world, we are telling ourselves that who we are isn't enough.

What was the hardest moment when you questioned your self-worth?

Like a light bulb went off in my brain so bright that it burst, where I was like, I'm not crazy. I'm just first. I'm just first.

Today we are joined by Jamie Kern Lima. She's the founder of IT Cosmetics.

Jamie started IT Cosmetics in her living room with her husband, Paulo. Ended up selling her company for over a billion And she went on to become the first female CEO inside of L'Oréal, the first one in 100 years.

She was adopted at birth, and her journey has been marked by constant rejection, imposter syndrome, questioning her own self-worth.

I remember after many years of always kind of feeling like I needed to kind of dim my own light or change who I was to fit in.

And you could be the one that breaks that generational— whether it's trauma or cycle of poverty or health challenges— like, we could be that one by standing up and not dimming our light because of what we've been told.

What if we could end world hunger? What if I could launch a business one day? What if I could become a CEO one day?

She's a guest teacher on Life You Want class with Oprah Winfrey, and she's a big-time philanthropist. She has donated more than $40 million in products and in cash to survivors of cancer. She's an outspoken proponent of female leadership and professional empowerment. Jamie now provides the roadmap to Shatter the ceilings of the mind and teaches how to stop betraying ourselves, our own greatness, and step into our destiny by transforming what we believe we deserve.

There's only one of you that has ever been created.

You're an inspiring force of nature. You're an unstoppable force for good.

Oh my gosh, there's a huge difference between self-worth and self-confidence, and they're both very important and very valuable, and they're very different.

You could always improve. We could always be better. But remember this, that you are enough.

It does not matter where you're at in your life. When you understand this one thing, it can completely transform your life, like right now.

Wow. What if everything holding you back from your wildest dreams, it's all in your head? From imposter syndrome to fear of failure, it's time to stop the self-sabotage and reclaim your birthright to confidence, success and fulfillment. Despite rocketing, I mean skyrocketing to the top of the Forbes America's Richest Self-Made Women's list, Jamie Kern Lima once battled self-worth herself. By bringing her signature authenticity, she is now dusting off years of rejection to pave the road to bulletproof self-worth before this mental chatter costs you Everything. Welcome back, Kwik Brains. I am your host and your brain coach, Jim Kwik. Today we are joined by Jamie Kern Lima. I love her new book so much, Worthy, that it is being featured in March's book club. For those of you know, if you're part of our Kwik Success Group where we do live coaching, we also have a monthly book club. And we've had people like Dr. Daniel Amen featuring. We've had people like Dr. BJ Fogg who wrote Tiny Habits, and we come together for an hour and we are featuring Jamie's new book, Worthy. We always feature some of my favorite books and we read it together. I teach you how to memorize different parts of it. And this is a very special book. So make sure you get it. If you want to join our book club, go to kwiksuccess.com. That's kwiksuccess.com and get your copy of Worthy. So without further ado, welcome to the show, Jamie Kern Lima, author of the new book, Worthy.

I am so excited to be here. It's going to be an amazing episode. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, this is, you're one of my favorite people, as I mentioned in the introduction. And this is like, I can't think of a more important topic to discuss. You know, it's not only timely, but it's timeless. And so we're going to be talking about how do you believe in yourself to transform your life? And why self-worth specifically is so important to your, your personal goals, your business goals, your entire life. Maybe we could start Jamie, with defining the difference between self-confidence and self-worth.

This, that one question, that is like the power question. I'm so excited you asked that because for anybody listening to us, watching us right now, this one thing will literally change like your entire life. And, you know, our self-worth is our ceiling. Like our self-worth is our ceiling in every area of our life, our business, our relationships, our goals and dreams. A lot of people think, oh, I just need to get more skillset or more experience or more confidence, which is different. And all those things are important. But underneath it all, if you don't believe you are worthy of the thing, it will not come. And so, you know, in life, like, we don't become what we want. We become what we believe we're worthy of. And so self-worth is literally the one thing that's like the foundation of all of it, that when you learn to build it, can impact your business, your goals, your dreams, what you believe is possible for yourself. So I'm so excited. So, okay. And to your question, self-confidence, while it is so important and so valuable, is actually completely different from self-worth. And most of us, I'll just speak for myself, most of my life I did not realize that I was pursuing all of these things that built self-confidence, but arriving at them, not understanding why I still didn't feel like I was enough, or I still felt like something was missing. And I thought the solution was to work harder and achieve more and level up to the next level. And all of that is an important part of growth and building confidence, but none of it builds self-worth, which is So important because our self-worth is our ceiling. Okay, so let me break it down. I'm really excited about this. So self-confidence, because this is something right now that every single person, every student, every, you know, business leader crushing it, does not matter where you're at in your life. When you understand this one thing, it can completely transform your life. Like right now, it's a big thing. So, okay, just to kind of get granular for a minute.

So self-confidence.

While it's internal, it is so much based on the external. So your self-confidence is how you assess your own skills and abilities, your willingness to try and to go for it, how much of the world's definition of success you feel you have and how you feel you stack up and compare and measure to others. If you're winning or losing at any moment in time, it's, you know, the studies show the boxer who wins the fight is automatically 30% more confident. Our confidence Is fragile. It fluctuates. It rises and falls. Our self-worth, on the other hand, is the deep internal knowing and belief that you are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are, not as your past or past mistakes or failures, not as your successes and what's happening all around on the outside, but separate from all of that, just exactly as you are. You're fully enough worthy of love and belonging. And 2 big things on this. A lot of people worry, well, okay, let me back up. Self-confidence. Okay? Every ad that we see growing up and on television and all the things that well-intended family members often say where they're like, how's your job? How's your kids? We learn to believe once I have great answers to those things, then I should feel Enough. And like, I've made it. We learn through ads that like, oh my gosh, if I get that dream car one day or the 6-pack abs or that certain level in my bank account or the certain job title, then I'm going to finally feel fulfillment and enough. And just to ask everyone who is listening with us right now and watching us right now, imagine like so many of us are achievers and especially a part of your community, we want to be limitless. And all the things that's just so important on our journey to fulfillment. And another piece of that is the self-worth. And so for a lot of us, right, if you think about if you've ever had a big goal or a dream or a hope and you thought one day when I finally get that thing, like then I'm going to feel fulfilled and happy. And for some of us, it may be a certain level in our business, or it might be finally finding a life partner or getting married and having kids or You know, a fitness goal, it could be anything. And then a lot of us, we dream like, oh my gosh, one day when I get that, when I get that job title or that whatever it might be, and we work really, really hard often for years. And then when you finally get that thing that we thought would make us happy and fulfilled, a lot of us arrive at that thing and we're happy for a while. But then before we realize it, we're like, okay, but why am I back to feeling like something's missing or like this isn't enough? Or like, I'm not enough. And our answer to that is usually, I just got to work harder. I got to love, I got to achieve more and get the next thing, the next thing. And it becomes this never-ending cycle where we never, where we achieve a lot and we grow a lot and we build a lot of confidence in the way, which is along the way, which is really important. But if we don't have underlying self-worth, we always arrive at those things feeling empty, feeling like something's missing. And just continuing to hustle harder and harder and harder. And it just goes on forever because all of those achievements will build self-confidence, but then build self-worth. And when it comes to self-worth, a lot of people think, well, wait a minute, especially ambitious people. They're like, if I believe I'm enough just as I am, am I going to lose my ambition? Am I going to lose my edge? And it's like, oh no, when you fully believe you're enough as you are, Like I found you get more ambitious because you're now, you know, like, oh, if I go for this thing and fail and fall flat on my face, like it might shake my confidence for a minute, but it cannot touch my self-worth. Like my, like who I am, you become more fearless. And so knowing the difference between the two is huge. And there's a lot of great resources out there on self-confidence and on building it, which is again, so valuable and important. But it is so different from self-worth. And Jim, maybe a lot of people like listening with us can relate to this, but I believed for the longest time that if I achieved enough, I would finally feel enough and I'd finally feel fulfilled. And after spending decades of my life achieving a whole bunch of stuff and arriving at it, still going, why does it feel like something's missing? Like, this is never enough. And learning like, oh, there's a massive difference between self-worth and self-confidence. And self-worth challenges in our lives show up in 3 ways. So I can dive into that if you want me to, for anyone listening, wondering like, well, wait a minute. Okay, this is a new concept. And now do I have issues with self-worth? It really can show up 3 ways in our life.

Yeah. Before we get into the 3 ways, there's a There's a quote in here, and this is kind of a— what you just said was a mic drop. It's something to the tune of, in life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and your dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. Whether it's in your relationships, your careers, your ambitions, you don't rise to what you believe is possible. You fall to what you believe you're worthy of. And so I definitely want to talk about some of the myths and the lies that we tell ourselves But let's go into before, because you really primed the 3 things. Why don't we talk about those 3 things quickly so it's on people's radar?

Yeah. And if they know, like, wait, is this really for them? Because to your point, like, you know, self-confidence is so important. I see self-confidence almost as like this house we're building with all the rooms and the achievements and the new art on the wall and this beautiful masterful house, which is important. But our self-worth is the foundation beneath all of it. And if our foundation has cracks in it, our house will only ever be as strong and as fulfilled as that foundation. So self-worth challenges. And by the way, let me preface this by saying most people with self-worth issues can often be crushing it on the outside and everything looks like it's going so well and they're winning in their business and in their jobs and this and that. But Here's how self-worth issues show up in 3 ways. And it's universal, no matter how much of the world's definition of success you have. So if you have low to medium self-worth, it can often look like you're stuck and you don't know why. And you might be like, oh, my business is at 6 figures, but I don't know why I can't get into 7. Or I have this big idea to run a company or launch my own thing, but I don't know why I'm not going for it. it. Or I want a life partner, but I'm just not getting on the dating app or putting myself out there. And a lot of people feel stuck. They don't know why. And they think, I just need to get more skills. And that's important and might be true. Or I need to get more experience. And that might be true. A lot of times though, people are stuck because deep down inside, they don't actually believe they're worthy of the thing. They don't believe they're worthy of a loving relationship, or they don't believe they're worthy of actually going from having an idea inside of them to launching the business. And it becomes a deep-rooted self-worth issue, why we're stuck. Because to what you shared, we don't rise to what we believe is possible. We fall to what we believe we're worthy of. And then low to medium, when you have low to medium self-worth, what that often looks like is medium-level self-worth is that you'll go for the thing, You'll put yourself out there, you'll, but, but you hit a ceiling, like your self-worth is your ceiling, or you sabotage it along the way, right? You write the whole manuscript and then you don't know why you're not sending it out to publishers and instead scrolling Instagram for 8 hours a day, or you meet a great partner and you just somehow are just not attracted to them and you put them in the friend zone and you don't know why you're sabotaging different things. And a lot of people do this. They can be crushing it in their business, doing all these things, but they're sabotaging personal relationships or fitness goals. And that's what medium self-worth looks like. It looks like we'll hit a ceiling or we'll sabotage the thing. And then medium to high self-worth, which a lot of achievers fall into this, that looks like you'll go for the thing, you'll actually achieve it and arrive at it. But you'll feel, you won't feel fulfilled and you feel like something's missing and like it's never ever enough and that you're never enough. And so the big breakthrough here, I think, is that for a lot of us, for me, for decades, I just thought solving that with more achievement or things that built more confidence would finally make me feel enough, not realizing confidence is fragile. It's based on the external. And what I really needed is self-worth. And to your point, building self-worth is really about unlearning a lot of the lies that lead to self-doubt and igniting those truths that make up worthiness. So, that's why I wrote Worthy. I wrote Worthy if you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill.

Yes. Is there a lie that you want to highlight? I mean, obviously everyone's listening, they're going to go and be inspired to get the book, is there a lie that you want to unravel for people and point out so they could be sensitive to it? As, and I'm sure there are a number of lies that we tell ourselves that lead to self-doubt and what the truth would be to embrace, to be able to wake up to, to, to own that worthiness.

Yeah. I mean, just cracking open Worthy for a minute and just to some of these lies, if I'm me, I won't be loved. I'm the real me. I'm an imposter. That is a big one. Right now, as we're talking, 73% of men feel inadequate and not enough. 80% of women feel like they're not enough. 75% of female executives deal with imposter syndrome. It is a big, big issue. Another lie, labels are permanent. A lot of us have let labels— you, oh my gosh, your story is so powerful around this about How to not let things other people say about us stick to us. And there's a whole exercise and framework in the book about how to unlearn and remove labels. Almost like a lot of us think labels are permanent, you know, and we let them stick to us like permanent things, but they're really like Post-it notes. You can remove them like a light adhesive and you can, you know, do apply New labels to your life. If I stand out, I'll get kicked out. A lot of us are afraid of our greatness and we dim our light and show up inauthentically to belong. There's another whole chapter in here about people pleasing, right? Which 40% of men describe themselves as people pleasers, over 50% of women do.

Wow.

And so many people Yeah, but like, we feel we need to please others in order to be accepted or loved or belong. But oftentimes it comes as a result of us betraying ourselves. And every time we show up inauthentically in this world, we are telling ourselves that who we are isn't enough.

Hmm.

And so I guess if I were to pick one lie, this will be really hard. You and I actually recently dove deep into rejection and reframing rejection. There's a whole masterclass in here in Worthy, the book about how to change your relationship with rejection to change your life. But in our time, I would say, I just, I hope and pray everyone listening to us, and this is something I love so much about you, Jim, is when you step into the power of owning who you authentically are and like all of who you are, that is when you live in alignment with your assignment. On this earth. And there's a whole chapter called You're Not Crazy, You're Just First. And what I love about this chapter is for anybody listening to us who has ever felt like who they are is not enough, or like perhaps if they were the real them, then maybe people would be like, oh, they're not as cool or funny or smart or competent as I thought they were. or if anyone has ever felt odd or quirky or strange or different, this whole chapter called You're Not Crazy, You're Just First is one of my favorites for that because I share how growing up, I was adopted and raised by 5 different families and love them all. I'm so blessed beyond measure. And what I will say is I was the only one out of all 5 of my families that would have these kind of out-there ideas. Like, what if we could end world hunger? What if I could launch a business one day? What if I could become a CEO one day? Right? And I had these just big ideas that were not normal for the families and environments I was raised around. And they'd always call me terms of endearment they thought Like, you're crazy. You're crazy. Like, who, you know, who do you think you are to have ideas like this? And I remember after many years of always kind of feeling like I needed to kind of dim my own light or change who I was to fit in, I was actually the first person in any of my families to go to therapy in my late 20s. And I remember asking my therapist, I said, my whole life, like, people who love me, they're like, you know, you have these wild ideas, you, all these things, like, you're, you're, you know, You're crazy. You're, you know, these terms of endearment. I asked the therapist, I said, am I crazy? And she said, you're not crazy, but I'm really glad you're here. And she explained to me that when you're the first in your peer group or family or friends to kind of think different or be willing to show up as who you fully authentically are, not everyone's going to get it right away because there's only one of you. That has ever been created, ever. And if you're, and this is for everyone listening to us right now, if you are one of the brave ones willing to show up authentically as who you truly are in this world, you're first. You're the first ever you. There's never been another you before, right? There's no one else with your unique fingerprints or heartbeat or your unique tongue print or unique iris of your eyes or the experiences you've had in life or the emotions you feel the way you feel them or the way you see art and beauty and the world. And there's never been another you. And so whether you approach your business authentically or anything else, don't be surprised if not everyone gets it right away because they've never seen another you before. And when I launched my company IT Cosmetics and grew it to a billion-dollar company, right, over many, many years, the first many years were met with all this rejection and people not thinking it's going to work. And also, I was entering a crowded space. A lot of people tell themselves the lie. This is one of the lies in the book Worthy, that my idea's already been done and I have nothing special to offer. Jim, I do not care how— I entered a makeup industry where there's tens of thousands of makeup companies.

One of the most competitive industries out there.

Yeah, it's already been done. But guess what? I don't care what industry anyone listening is in, or if you, or what product you're going to launch, or what idea you're going to put out there that you think, well, maybe someone else has already done it better. If you are actually willing to do it authentically to you, by definition, it has never been done before, ever. And that's the secret sauce. And so I remember the moment when my therapist had shared all this with me and it I had this moment that was like, like a light bulb went off in my brain so bright that it burst where I was like, I'm not crazy. I'm just first. I'm just first. And I remember that every time I got told no growing my business, every time I thought, I really believe in this vision that this product can really help people one day. And I'd be told, oh, that's never going to work. And I just would remember thinking, I'm not crazy. I'm just first. Or when I walk in a room and for whatever reason, Maybe don't feel like I fit in. I'm like, I'll tell myself it's okay. I'm just the first me. Eventually they'll love me. And this is a lie we tell ourselves that if I am who I am, it's somehow not enough. And if I'm the real me, I won't be loved. And every time we show up inauthentically, which, by the way, Jim, it's impossible to have another connection, a true connection with another human being, whether it's a friend, a partner, our customers, unless you actually show up fully authentically. And so that is your power. That's your genius zone. And anytime you show up inauthentically as someone you think people want you to be, you're chipping away at your self-worth and telling yourself that who you are is not worthy. And so unlearning this lie, when you tell yourself, I'm not crazy, I'm just first, It is powerful. It feels like joy. It tastes like freedom. Tastes like freedom.

Are you a high achiever constantly seeking that next level of success? Welcome to the Kwik Success Program. It's a deep dive and support system to master your life and scale to new heights in personal and professional achievement. Included is our exclusive monthly book club where we process Transformative ideas from amazing books to level up your learning and your life. We also bring the author to the club to answer your burning questions. You can also participate in monthly live coaching calls with me where your questions meet my decades of expertise. Simply go to kwiksuccess.com. That's K-W-I-K And choose the plan that works best for you. And you could be the one that breaks that generational, whether it's trauma or cycle of poverty or health challenges. Like we could be that one by standing up and not dimming our light because it's shining in other people's eyes. We have a special group in our community called Kwik Success, and which also includes a book club. And we're very honored to feature your book in the month of March. We have over 1,000 people in this book club and everyone's buying it. So we also always ask a question from our Kwik Success. People could join that at kwiksuccess.com. They know that. One of the questions in Kwik Success was, what was the hardest moment when you questioned your self-worth? And And what became of that, or how did you overcome it? Was there, was there a specific moment or moments that really, where you questioned your own self-worth?

Yeah. And what I'll say too is it is a daily thing. It's a daily thing. It's a lifelong journey. One moment, Jim, that I'll share, and I'm so honored, by the way, to be part of the Kwik Success Book Club. I am so honored. We are going to deliver so much value. Like, I'm just so excited. And this is just going to be success elevating. Like, it's going to be success elevating because here's the moment I'm going to pick because we talk about success and we talk about being limitless. Okay. I was at a moment in my life. Let me just preface this. My entire life from the time I was a little girl, a lot of us have childhood heroes. Like, for some people it's Superman, for other people, whoever it might be.

Yeah.

Growing up, I was alone a lot in my living room and I'd watch Oprah. And so, for me, I always dreamed as a little girl of meeting her one day. I dared to believe it was possible and inspired my career of going into journalism, all of that. Like, this was my dream. That was my superhero growing up. Fast forward, I'm 39 years old and I get the chance to meet her.

Wow.

And I want to preface this for everyone who is real passionate about success in their life. At this moment in time, I'm 39. I had all of this success. I had just, oh my gosh, like I was so confident, Jim. I had just sold my business for $1.2 billion cash that I'd started in my living room, right? L'Oréal made me the first woman to hold a CEO title in their 100-plus-year history. All these things were happening. The Forbes list, all these things that were like, whoa. I was very confident, but I did not know that I did not have a lot of self-worth. And that there's a big difference. And you want to know what happened? I met her. I then sent her a letter after through a series of like, I go granularly on how this happened and how I overcame it in Worthy in the book. Eventually, she invited me to lunch at her home. I went for a 3-hour lunch, one-on-one, just me and Oprah. And at the end, and it couldn't have gone better. And remember, I was really, really confident. And I actually deep down inside didn't believe I was enough. And at the very end of the lunch, she gave me her cell phone number and she said, call me anytime. You can call me anytime. And Jim, I did not call her for 4 years.

For 4 years. 4 years.

4 years. And I thought I knew, I would tell myself reasons why, like, oh, I just need the perfect thing to say, then I'll call her. Or, oh, I'm going to prove I don't need anything from her. You know, everyone wants things from her. Like I told myself these stories and 4 years went by and I realized the real reason was that deep down inside, even though I was so confident and had all of a certain measure of success, deep down inside, I didn't believe I was worthy of being her friend. And our self-worth is our ceiling, whether it is in our personal relationships, our friendships, our business, our level of success that we get to. And that was the day when I called her. I picked up the phone and called her 4 years later. And also, it's when I realized, oh my gosh, there's a huge difference between self-worth and self-confidence. And they're both very important and very valuable, and they're very different. And that's when I became obsessed with studying self-worth and how do you build it. And that's why I wrote the book Worthy, because our self-worth is our ceiling. And when I, you know, now I've taught course with her. Now she's the very first guest on my show that I'm watching, the Jami Kern Lima Show. She's my very first guest. But how this would have never happened. This, I could have, I was so close to doubting myself out of my own destiny. And I have done that many other times. And so for anybody who is like, oh my gosh, like, you know, what am I doubting myself out of in my life? Like you can build skill sets, which is so important and valuable. And you also have to believe you are worthy of it and build that self-worth at the identity level, because wherever you go, whatever you achieve, you still take you with you. So I achieved a whole lot of worldly success and business success. And yet I was sitting there with Oprah, still taking the not enough, doubting myself Jamie with me. And that is what shifted when I learned how to believe I'm enough and build that self-worth. So that would be one moment.

Just one of many.

Just one.

I love it. This conversation really is just a reminder for everyone that, that you matter, that you are enough, that your presence in the world, it makes a difference whether you see it or not. You could always improve. We could always be better. But remember this, that You are enough, not because you did or said or bought or thought or became or created something special, but because you always were. And Jamie's new book, the title suggests, it's actually accurate that you are absolutely worthy. Jamie, where can people get their copy of Worthy?

So worthybook.com has a link to all the different places, Target, Barnes& Noble, independent bookstores, Audible, Amazon. And there's lots of free gifts, free thank you gifts at worthybook.com. And I'm just so honored. I love what you just said. Like, once you believe you are worthy, it will just raise your ceiling on success and you'll actually be able to enjoy it. And what you said that's so beautiful is you already are. So this isn't a book about here's all these things you have to learn. It's really, oh, here's all the lies you have to unlearn and then the truths that you reignite. And so this is, it's so beautiful and powerful because every single person listening is fully worthy. It does not, and I share some stuff in here, Jim, about my past, past mistakes, regrets, failures, because I want everyone to know like your past does not impact your worthiness. Your mistakes do not. Like, and we sometimes let failures take root and we think we're a failure. And I go into how to unlearn that. And anyhow, I'm so excited. I'm so honored. I'm so grateful.

Thank you. This is one of the most important topics. This is one of my most favorite recent reads. That's why we only put those books in our, in our book club. And so we're going to have a deep dive conversation with Jamie Kern Lima in the month of March for 60 Minutes where you could ask your burning questions. I'm going to share some of my highlights out of the book specifically. And Jamie, you're an inspiring force of nature. You're an unstoppable force for good. And I value our friendship and thank you so much for sharing with our community. Everybody take a screenshot of wherever you're consuming this. Follow Jamie on social media, tag her in it also as well. So we have to see it. And share, and share one thing that you learned in this conversation. Because remember, when you share something, you teach it, you get to learn it twice. So your fans, your followers, your family, your friends, they can learn new insights. And share this episode if you would. And that's the greatest gift you could give somebody else. And Jamie, thank you so much. And we'll see you in our March book club.

Thank you, Jim. I cannot wait.