Kwik Brain 114: Break-Through Your Beliefs with Shelly Lefkoe

Welcome back, Kwik Brains. Your question for today really is at source, is how do you overcome limiting beliefs, or how do you change limiting beliefs, and is that even possible? A lot of our listeners and our viewers know that I have this phrase where I talk about all behavior is belief-driven. Like, you can't remember someone's name if you believe you have a horrible memory, or you can't be a great reader or a leader Or change procrastination if you believe, I am a procrastinator. And so how do you deal with those deeper, more invisible levels? And I'm really excited here today because I have a longtime friend. I'm really, I'm nervous about this also. We're speaking here at an event together, and I wanted to grab her because she's extremely busy, because she's a master of belief change. It's amazing because Shelli Lefkoe is the co-founder of Lefkoe Institute. And really, you're known for historically changing the behavior and limiting emotions, the underlying belief behind that.

Yes.

That creates that. And so what I want to have is a conversation. And there's so many conversations we could have. We could talk about my initial fear of public speaking or people have a— A fear that they're not good enough, like an actual belief, a certainty. Actually, how would you define a belief to somebody?

I love that question. I absolutely love that question. And I also love the distinction you made. Nobody wants to get rid of beliefs. No one cares. They want to get rid of behaviors and emotions that they don't want. They want to get rid of anxiety. They want to get rid of procrastination. They want to get rid of being in relationships that don't work. So the first The first thing I do want to do, and I love that you asked me that really, is what is a belief? Because people talk about it and I listen and I say, no, a belief is a statement about reality that you believe is the truth. So it's like being pregnant. You either is or you ain't. You know, that's a belief. And most of our beliefs are unconscious. We don't even know that we have them.

And it's driving all our behaviors and our feelings and everything.

Wow. Everything. I have been doing this for 30 years, and it is rare that anybody comes to me and says, here's a pattern I want to change, that is not belief-driven. Because if you believe men can't be trusted— that's a really big belief for, for women, men can't be trusted— you're not going to trust men. You're not going to have healthy relationships.

You know, if you believe dogs are dangerous and a puppy comes in the room, you're not going to pet Right, and has nothing to do with actual reality. It's just your understanding, like what you feel is truth.

Totally, totally. Even if you are in a situation where historically bad things are going to happen, that doesn't mean it's always going to happen or you can't do anything to change it or make it better. So our beliefs are so powerful in how they drive our behavior. You know, you mentioned fear of public speaking. And it's fascinating because, you know, I like working with people who've been incested or raped or, you know, because I could work— I could get rid of their beliefs like I'm damaged goods or I'm powerless or, you know, men are dangerous or, you know, men have all the power, no one would want me.

And it's interesting, somebody could be listening to this right now and they believe that's not even possible.

Yes.

Because they were never even—

And I'll tell you why it's— why it is possible in a minute. But so I like working with people who, you know, really just never had a good relationship or never felt loved. Fear of public speaking, it's like, yeah, okay, you have whatever. But this became my niche because it's the one pattern where I have clients in every country around the world. I mean, I have clients in Uganda and Syria.

I know.

It's crazy because I work on Zoom, right? And Jim, Every single one of the people who have a fear of public speaking have almost all, if not all, of 10 beliefs and what we call 3 conditionings.

Okay.

And it's the same.

And what's an example of that?

Okay, example. So the most common belief that people have is, I'm not good enough. And if you think you don't have it, Ask yourself the question, what makes me good enough? And write it down.

Interesting.

And if you write anything other than nothing, I just am, you have the belief.

Interesting.

Because if you have to be something, do something, or have something—

In order to be enough.

In order to be good enough, you're not. And that's what workaholism is. So workaholism is, I'm not good enough, so like a beach ball. I'm not good enough. I'm not important. The other second most common belief. What makes me good enough and important is achieving things. So now I'm driven. Now I'm a workaholic.

Yeah.

I want to go home and see my kids. I want to be with my wife. I want to be with my husband. I want to have a life, but I can't because I've got to hold this beach ball underwater. And the only way I could do that is achieving. Or whatever it is, doing things perfectly, being the best, whatever your survival strategy belief is, what makes me good enough is, you have to keep doing that.

Wow.

Makes sense?

It does.

That's what drives people.

Where do these limiting beliefs, where do they come from?

So wait, I wanna just go back to here are the beliefs from fear of public speaking. Now tell me this is not logical. I'm not good enough and I'm not important. I'm not capable, which even though people know they are, they still believe they're not. What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me.

Wow.

The single belief that drives people. Because when I got rid of that belief, I call it my Martin Luther King Jr. moment because I was free at last. I was free to be my authentic self. People don't think well of me? Okay, you know, what can I say? It doesn't define me anymore. And the biggest fear of public speaking beliefs: mistakes and failures are bad, and if I make a mistake or fail, I will be rejected.

Wow. Can you repeat that again? Because I just got— I call them truth bumps.

Mistakes and failures are bad, and if I make a mistake or fail, I will be rejected.

Wow.

Even though people— and this is the most fascinating thing about beliefs— even though people have read every business book under the sun that says if you're not making mistakes and failing, you're gonna be mediocre— Richard Branson says that— it doesn't matter if you have a belief. So people say, oh, I don't believe mistakes and failures are bad. I say, really? So when you make a mistake, you go, way to go, Jim, that was a great learning opportunity.

And you tell everybody you did it.

Exactly, exactly. And they go, No, I beat myself up and I go, that's right. That's how you know you have the belief.

Interesting. So they could read it in a book or listen to it on a podcast and they can know it intellectually, but they feel it's completely—

I have worked with 5 Harvard PhDs. I swear it. Who had the belief, I'm stupid.

Wow. And then that affects their behavior, their emotions, affects their whole life.

Totally. Totally. I said to this guy, why are you staying in this job that you hate? And he looks at me and he says, because I'm not smart.

Right.

I said, wait, wait, you have a PhD from Harvard. And he goes, I know, I conned my way through Harvard.

And they suffer from like some kind of imposter syndrome?

That's exactly what imposter syndrome is. And no amount of evidence talks you out of your beliefs, which is what a lot of people try to do. Convince you, talk you out of it, tell you why you shouldn't believe it.

Right.

And in our process, we don't do any of that.

And the beliefs you're talking about here of some of the top 10, these are pretty much ubiquitous everywhere, right? Not being enough, fear of making mistakes and being judged for them. It could affect your relationship. It could affect how you, you know, whether or not you, how you treat your body, how you advance in your career.

I'm not important. So if you're not exercising— now everybody knows the way most people try to change is with information and motivation.

Right.

I'm gonna learn, I'm gonna go to workshops and seminars and read books, and I'm gonna learn everything, and then I'm gonna get motivated. I'm gonna go to a workshop and get all hyped up, and, you know, I'm gonna get home on Monday and—

Yeah.

What happens? Nothing. Because you cannot act inconsistently with your beliefs. If you have a belief— I just worked with a woman, 60-something years old. She says, Shelley, I love to spend time with my grandchildren and I love to paint.

Mm-hmm.

She says, but I never get to do it because I'm always listening to everybody else's problems. She said, even my kids put me in the middle of them, you know, if they're fighting, and I hate it. I said, really? What do you believe? Now, I help people uncover their beliefs, but here were 3 beliefs: I'm not important, Other people's needs are more important than mine.

Wow.

And if I put myself first, I'm selfish.

And nobody wants to think of themselves as any of those things.

So guess what? She doesn't.

And because her life is consistent with her beliefs, she can't say no.

Now she called— she sent me an email last week and she said, I told my kids this is not a good time for me. I'm painting.

Wow.

She said it was so liberating. And that was after one session. Now, I'm not saying I will cure everything in one session, but this particular thing was— those were her beliefs.

And when you free yourself from the concerns of others and their expectations and their opinions, like, I feel like a lot of people aren't as alive and passionate just because the things that matter to them the most are buried underneath other people's opinions and expectations and the fear of looking bad and And, and all of that.

That's exactly why people don't express themselves. What will people think? That's why we don't dress the way we want to dress.

I would imagine some people are listening and thinking like, where did that belief like I'm not enough, or I'm gonna look bad, or I'm not capable, or other people are more important than I— where did that— because when you're born, you're like a blank slate, right? Who put— what happened there?

Beautiful. Beautifully said. So we come into this world and we don't know if we're important or not important. We don't know if we're good enough or not good enough. We don't know if life is hard or easy. We don't know if money is scarce and hard to get or abundant.

Oh my God.

So we show up and we are looking at these 2 people who know everything, right? Our parents. And what happens when we get here is they say things like, Oh, Jim, not again. You didn't get an A?

Hmm.

What are all these A's and one B? Wait, you did what? How many times do I have to tell you? Loving parents. My parents loved me. My father loved me more than anything in the world. And when I dropped something, he used to go, oh, oh. If I spit spilled my milk. Again, she spilled her milk. And so what is the one-word question every child asks all day long? Little kids.

Why?

Why, exactly. Why can't I live up to my parents' expectations? Oh, I see. I'm not good enough. Why are my parents always looking at their iPhones? when I talk to them? Why are they not giving me attention? Oh, I see. I'm not important. Why every time I make a mistake they scream and yell and I get punished? Oh, I see. Mistakes and failures are bad. I used to say to my kids I didn't want them to have that belief so badly because it's such a crippling belief. It stops us from being innovative. And in today's world, if you're not innovative, guess what? You're not gonna be successful, right? So I don't want kids to have— my kids, any kids to have that. So when my kids would make a mistake or, you know, do something, I would say, learning opportunity! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Wow.

So when my daughter was 9 years old, I did that, and she looks at me, she goes, Mom, it's getting old. I got it.

Got it.

Got it. I got the message.

But that's such an important message for people to have—that mistakes are opportunities to learn and to grow, that we are not our mistakes, right? Yes, right.

Yeah. So we we form our beliefs, and our parents are not bad. They didn't do anything you know malicious. They meant well. It's just that nobody's hand. handed a manual when you leave the hospital. And, you know, every child alive— this was the most fascinating thing to me— when I ask parents what your little kid does when they see you at the end of the day, every parent in every country says they run to me. And I say, and what do they want? They want affection. Hold me! You know, they want attention.

Mm-hmm.

And they want acknowledgement. So if you criticize them, I'm not good enough. If you, you know, don't pay attention, if you're not affectionate, they're gonna conclude I'm not lovable. I did a workshop yesterday and this woman jumped out of her seat to volunteer and she had the belief I'm not lovable and she was crying when she said those words because the first way you know you have a belief is when you say the words, it doesn't feel good. So if you say I'm a monkey.

Oh wow.

Right, say I'm a monkey.

I'm a monkey.

That feels silly, right?

Yeah.

But if I had you say, I'm not good enough, and if everybody listening says it out loud, right, you'll see it doesn't feel good.

Right.

And when the belief goes away, it feels so— anyway, I was working with this woman, and of course her parents weren't affectionate, they were very mean to her. And here's the thing, why beliefs go away and why they stay with you through 20 years of therapy and on Millions of self-help programs because you think you saw your belief in the world. So if you, if you and I were together and our friend Vishen walked past us and you had the belief he didn't like you, and he walked by and didn't say hello to you.

I would.

But wouldn't you say to me, see, I told you he doesn't like me. See? As if you could see he doesn't like you.

Right.

You can't see he doesn't like you. You see he walks by you and doesn't say hello. You know, you're an introvert, and there were times when you and I became friends, you would walk by and not say hello, and I thought, oh, he doesn't like me. And I said, wait a minute, maybe he's shy, maybe he's thinking about something else. You know, I remember that, and I came over to you and I said, hey, Jim, and you were always friendly and nice.

Interesting.

So we think we see our beliefs. So if you're criticized by your parents, and when I say to people, doesn't it feel like you saw I'm not good enough? Do you know what they say? I did see it.

Wow.

No, just like with your learning stuff. If I had spoken to you years ago, doesn't it feel like you saw I'm not smart, or I'm stupid, or there's something wrong with me. You'd say, I did see it. No, you saw being in a certain learning environment at a certain time in your life not being able to learn. And that could mean you're stupid, and it could mean you weren't learning in your learning style, and it could mean you had terrible teachers. So there are other interpretations.

Exactly. And so in your communication, it's kind of— it's It's interesting because if, if you believe men or women are liars or whatever, someone could be really nice to you and you could be thinking, oh, what do they want from me?

Absolutely.

And that colors everything. It has nothing to do with necessarily the reality of it. It's your perception and your certainty around that belief. So you've given some ideas of people, for people listening to identify their limiting belief, right? They say something and then they evoke some kind of emotion that comes up constantly. Where do people go What would one suggestion you would have for somebody who, you know, they have a belief like, I am a procrastinator, or I am a fool?

That's not a belief. I'm a procrastinator is a belief that's formed from watching yourself procrastinate. If you get rid of the belief, I'm a procrastinator, nothing's gonna change. But if you get rid of the belief— see, what's underlying procrastination is mistakes and failures are bad. If I make a mistake, I'll be rejected. What makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. That's why you procrastinate. You're terrified to be judged, right? You have a fear of being judged and criticized, which we have a different process that works on that. I'm going to show it to you. It's magnificent.

I mean, this is such important work because I can't— you have this— people have an idea where they believe something, and from the behavior, they can do something, and then that doing They could have something, an object, feeling, whatever it is, and then, you know, to be able to share. But people want to change this, but they're not addressing the core.

And when these beliefs go away, suddenly the box that you're in— men can't be trusted is a box, when you— and trusting men is outside that box. When you eliminate beliefs, all you're doing is eliminating a box, and then you have a choice: trust or don't trust. It's not like the opposite is going to be true, but you have a choice. When you get rid of the belief mistakes and failures are bad and you make a mistake, you go onward. You know, there's a book now called Failing Forward. It's brilliant. You know, fail forward. Make a mistake, fail, move forward, learn something, move forward. You know, if our kids could be raised with that, the world would be different.

Right.

You know, I told my kids, no matter what you do, somebody's not going to like it, so you may You may as well do what you want. But before you do anything, stop and ask yourself, what might the consequences be? It's a way better question to ask because the belief, what makes me good enough is having others think well of me, ran my life.

And then you're always at the— whatever is going on in the environment, you're just reacting to it. Oh my gosh, what's this one going to think?

And what's that one going to think? And what if I put out this program and somebody doesn't like it? Or what if they think I'm too full of myself, or what if they think this? And when you die, guess what? It doesn't— it's not what your life should— it's not what should define you. You know, if you don't think well of me, I might say, Jim, I love you. You're such an amazing spirit. You know, you inspire me always.

You really do.

Yeah. But it seems like you don't like me. Is there something about me? You know, it doesn't mean I'm not gonna try to fix it or change it. But it doesn't mean anything about me.

Right.

That's what's so powerful. So what I would say to people is, when you feel stuck, ask yourself the question, what would happen if I did this thing? What, what judge— so what would happen if I did it and failed, right? So this is one of the techniques we have. It's called judgment into So imagine something you want to do that you've been stopping yourself from doing, putting off forever. And then say, if I did that thing and failed a couple of times, what would my judgment of myself be? What would I think others are judging me for? And whatever that voice in your head says— I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes, I'm a loser, Then you're going to start to see that there are beliefs in your way. And the first thing that does is it gets you to see that it's not impossible because you can get rid of your beliefs.

Mm-hmm.

And the second thing is you can actually look at, okay, I feel like a loser. Where did that belief come from? You know, and then you— I can't obviously take you through the process, but I can give you some of the steps. And one of the main steps is If you can trace back where the belief came from, you can get, I never saw that I was a loser. I saw my father call me a loser.

Wow. Can you say that one more time?

I never saw I'm a loser, because anything you could see has a color, shape, and location. You can't see a belief. I never saw I'm a loser.

I saw my father And what does that do?

Boom!

Yeah.

I never saw Santa Claus. I made that up. That's my father in that outfit. Oh my God. In that moment, Santa Claus goes away as a belief and never comes back. Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, same thing. You know, I always say to people, if you had a belief that my spouse is cheating on me, My spouse is faithful to me. I believe that with all my heart and soul. And you walk in and you see them in bed with somebody else, that belief is gone in a nanosecond because you never saw that they are faithful. You made that up. It's the most powerful moment in people's lives.

I would imagine witnessing that with as many people as you have.

I'm doing it 30 years, Jim. never gets old.

Wow.

Never, ever. I still cry, it's so inspiring. When this woman yesterday got rid of the belief, I'm not lovable, and it was, it was really interesting because at the end I said, say it out loud, and there was tentativeness. And, you know, I, I know when a belief is gone. I go back to, did you ever see it? And she goes, well, yeah. I said, okay, and I went through that step again. I saw my 2 parents out of 7 billion people not being affectionate with me. Good. Where was I'm not lovable? And she goes like this. I made it up.

Uh-huh.

I never saw that. And her face, the whole room was literally vibrating. Her face was totally alive. That belief was gone.

Interesting.

It's awesome.

It is awesome. And I think some people could identify where they used to believe something and then they saw, they saw something that was more, more true and it just blew their own, their own mind. And you're saying this could be part of the process consciously to go at, to identify the limiting beliefs that we have that's leading to the behaviors or the emotions that we don't want. And then going back to the early time where we feel like we saw it, and what did we really see? I love that. Yeah, Shelley, that's, that's, that's amazing. So for everyone who's listening, how would— I know a lot of people are gonna want to go deeper with you. How can they find you?

lefkoinstitute.com. Okay, and you can find out about us, and there's a place where you You can, there's all kinds of places you can get information and you can find me.

And what I would encourage everyone to do is take a screenshot of this episode or this video and tag us both in there also as well. And then share with us, if you're willing to, some of your stories about like your big ahas from this conversation that we have here. And the other thing is, Because I really think we have to do another show together when we have like more time in between our speakings and our travels, because this is something that I feel if people could address, it could change. Ripple effect goes way beyond, you know, what they can even perceive.

Yeah.

Because I feel like one of the biggest challenges, the suffering people have on a regular basis, is based on these false— it's the belief there, it's BS.

Yeah, yeah. We call them belief saboteurs.

Belief BS, belief saboteurs.

You can also go to recreateyourlife.com.

Recreate your life.

R-E, recreateyourlife.com. You can eliminate a belief for free.

Oh, that's beautiful. So if you go, if you go to our show notes, which everyone is very familiar with, I put my takeaways in the show notes, jimkwik.com/notes, and I will put all the notes there and links, direct links to everything that Shelley is talking about.

Yeah, one of the things we can talk about is I have a very little technique that is— it is really stunning— that can help you get rid of negative emotion in the moment. Because here's the thing, your negative emotions come from your beliefs.

I would imagine.

And so the meanings that you give come from your beliefs. And actually, the negative emotions come from the meaning, and the meaning comes from the beliefs. So if you have a belief people can't be trusted, and somebody walks by you and doesn't tell you something that, you know, the meaning you're gonna give it is, oh, see, people can't be trusted.

Mm-hmm.

So your meaning comes from your beliefs. If you have a belief that money is scarce and hard to get, you know, and your client doesn't pay you, the minute— the meaning that you're gonna give it is, oh, see, see, it's hard to get money. You can't even get your clients to— so if you get rid of the beliefs, you will not give meaning. But to the degree that you do give meaning, I can give you a little— so we should have another show on that.

We love that. Shelley Lefkoe, thank you so much for being here.

You're welcome. It was a pleasure.