Get Un Stuck and Do Epic Stuff for 2020- This Feels Right!

Have you ever wanted to influence others to shift their behaviors, ideas, or actions without playing power trip games? If so, listen for the next hour. Welcome to TFR, This Feels Right, with your host, Joel Silverstone. You'll learn the tools and concepts to influence others with everyone involved maintaining their respect and understanding so it doesn't seem like it's all one way. Now, here is Joel Silverstone.

Welcome to TFR, This Feels Right. And before we jump in, let's say hi to our first guest. Let's check in and see how she's feeling today. Victoria Porter Kramer, how are you feeling today?

Hi, Joel. I'm feeling energized. Would you expect anything less?

Absolutely not. Uh, well, welcome to TFR, and I'm your host, Joel Silverstone. And for over 20 years, I've been helping people in business and sometimes in life to be more influential in using their communication skills, to be able To connect the emotions and the logic to be able to get others engaged. And our show is going to be focused a lot on the emotional part because that is our, our first reaction. It's our gut instinct. It's that point where we ask ourselves, does this feel right? Listeners, you are in the right place if you want to learn from leaders, coaches, speakers sharing their examples and perspectives on how they're able to influence behaviors, ideas, and actions and not be manipulative. We have a Great show for you today to start this new year or start this new decade. So welcome to 2020. We have our theme in our show today is starting with our warrior mindset and little sass for how we could be more influential in 2020. So we're gonna be hearing some insight, stories, and mindsets to build our awareness of our capabilities to do better for ourselves and influence those around us. Our first guest is Victoria Porter Kramer. Our second guest will be Christy Mann. But let's start with Victoria Porter Kramer. And as you already heard the enthusiasm in her voice, she is a warrior. She is a 2-time breast cancer survivor. At the same time, she's a competitive endurance mountain bike racer. And from all those experiences, she is the author of Living Life Loudly: How Will You Face Your Speed Bump? On top of that, a mother of twin girls. She is a speaker. She is a coach. She is also the COO for Lodging Dynamics Hospitality Group and the Founder of VP Strategies. That is an extremely long intro to talk about someone who is an exemplary person. Victoria Porter Kramer, do I have this right?

You do have this right. I do a lot of epic stuff.

That's what we're going to be talking about. We're going to be talking about the mindset on how to do, as you say, epic shit. We'll call it epic stuff. And also about the idea of living life loudly, which is your mantra.

That's right.

So Victoria, can we start with the living life loudly? And I think that will sort of segue us into all the different other areas to be able to talk about that. Because that really is your mantra. It's your mindset. It's your passion. It's your lifestyle. But it's not just a saying. You've figured this out. You figured out a process to this.

Yeah, that's right. I would say it all starts with a level of gratitude and being grateful for having had the opportunity to fight breast cancer, not just once, but twice.

Yeah.

And the first time around was with 8-month-old infant twin girls. And when you go through that, it does cause you to really think about how you want to go through that experience. How you want to be remembered, if that's the last thing that people will remember about you, and how do you really take whatever days you have left and live them more loudly? And so, the mantra, Living Life Loudly, is really all— it all stems from that experience that I'm grateful to have had. It's about being deliberate in your intention and your strategy and making every day as epic as you can, and actually Setting your intention to make it epic. Even if it's a chemo day, or even if it's a tough surgery, you can still make it epic. I chose humor to help me make it epic on those really long days. You know, sometimes you'd be in chemo for 9 hours, for instance.

Mm-hmm.

You might say, how in the world can you make that epic? It's pretty brutal, but I chose humor and kindness, and what happened and unfolded is some pretty epic stories and memories with the nurses, the doctors, and even the other patients around me. When you open up your heart and you find humor and you find gratitude, it's pretty epic what you experience and what comes back to you tenfold. So, a lot of the Living Life Loudly concept is about choosing joy, and it's about really— for lack of a better term, it's going to be about transformation as opposed to incrementality. It's about listing out All of the things that make you happy in life, that serve you well, and it's about cutting out the small things. So that's where I got that notion of living life loudly.

So you must have had some ideas. You, in a sense, you were almost prepared for this. Uh, not prepared, obviously, for the devastating news that you, that you're going to be, uh, having cancer while you, while you're being a mother of twin girls. But I'm thinking about this idea of that you were this epic mountain bike racer doing these endurance races. And so somehow, somewhere, there was a mindset planted, a seed that was started in that.

Yeah. I would say that having had the pleasure of many years working in the corporate world, I was somewhat shaped or molded to think about strategies. And when I was struck with breast cancer the first time around, it helped me to talk to a girlfriend who said, look, you don't do things just kind of half-assed. You never have.

Mm-hmm.

The reason why you're floundering right now is because you're lacking a strategy. Once, she said, a Victoria on a strategy is unstoppable. And that made me laugh because she's right. Anything that I had done, from mountain bike racing to skydiving to scuba diving to my work life, everything in my life up to that point had been done in a pretty epic way, but it was because of strategies that I had already put in place for myself.

Mm-hmm.

The other piece of that equation is that you have to surround yourself with a team. You can't do anything in life alone if you're going to do it in an epic way. So, you have to find and intentionally choose the right team, the brightest, best, most amazing team, not the team that's just going to tell you a bunch of fluffy bullshit of, yeah, yeah, you're doing great, keep it up. No, no, this is a team that is made up of brilliant people who will tell you maybe not what you want to hear, but what you need to hear so that you can bump yourself back on course if you're starting to deviate from your strategy, or even to set the right one. So, I think you're right. Some of it I had from previous experiences through being a competitive athlete, through being a competitive corporate leader.

Mm-hmm.

And then some of it I gained just through trial and error and figuring out what it takes to really make sure that every day is a really impactful day.

Well, it seems like this— when you decided to do— be more deliberate in a few things— choosing joy, choosing humor, and surrounding yourself with the right people— that's where the strategy, I guess, started to kick in.

Yes. It's also It's also about cutting out, though. So, it's about choosing the right people in your life and the right strategy, but a lot of it, too, is actually about making a change. So, I'll give you a couple of examples.

Okay.

You could ask anybody, probably, right now, especially this time of year, you could say, okay, so how many times in the past have you actually achieved your New Year's resolution? Probably the answer's going to be not very many, right? Not very many people actually achieve their New Year's resolution. But if you turned it around and you said, Okay, so how many of you brushed your teeth today? Most are going to say that they did, right? So what's the difference? The difference is in— one is a habit, and the other is an intention. So you can have an intention, you may want to do something differently, but without it forming a habit, it's not going to happen.

Mm-hmm.

So one of the things that I had to do to truly deliberately choose joy was to cut out sadness. So, I had to cut out some of the dark emotions, and I still— you still go through them. I'm human. Everybody that's human is going to experience the dark emotions, right? Sadness, anger, fear. I experienced those, but what I realized was that there were several types of activities that would create those emotions that, quite honestly, were not serving me well. So, I cut them out.

Mm-hmm.

So, for instance, have you ever woken up in the morning and said, I want to be inspired today, so I'm going to turn on the news?

Mm-hmm.

You just don't, right?

You just—

you don't, because the news isn't typically inspiring. Most of it's pretty depressing. So, one of the deliberate actions I had to make was to cut that out. I stopped watching the news, and at first, it was uncomfortable, and then the habit formed, and I didn't even miss it. So, there were times where I might have some embarrassing moments by not watching the news, but that's a whole other sidebar. But after a while, I didn't miss it at all, and in fact, I woke up much more joyful.

Yeah. What you're saying is, as you're passing this on, if you want it to feel right for others, one suggestion here is if you want to find the joy, then cutting out— here's my question to you because you want to cut out the negative, but as you said, you want to find also the people that are supporting you. Sometimes they're going to be telling it to you. You don't want just people giving you high fives. You want people actually who are going to be able to tell it to you like it is. We say on the show, this feels right. How do we know if this feels right when we're looking for that support group?

That's a great question. So, some of the time, you're going to have to think about who knows more than I do on this particular topic. So, I'll go off of my experience, and it depends on what the topic is, but for me, it was who knows more than I do about the medical industry and about fighting cancer? Who knows more than I do about being grateful or being joyful? And then, once I started to go down that path, I slowly started to put together my team as I started to find who was the best of the best. And sometimes, I didn't know that answer. So, what I'd have to do is I'd have to ask someone else and say, let me ask you this. If your mother or your daughter— and maybe it's a doctor I'm talking to— if your mother or your daughter were to be struck—

Mm-hmm.

with breast cancer, who would be the best surgeon that you would recommend that they work with? And they immediately would have an answer for me, and it'd be someone I'd never heard of yet. So, I'd have to go do some exploring and working to see if I wanted to have that person be on my team. So, that's just one example, but you may not have that answer right away. But to have it— have your team grow organically, you've got to be willing to ask the questions of who the best of the best that would give me this particular perspective.

Right. So sometimes, sometimes we can get stuck in trying to figure out what the right question is, and maybe that's where we can lose ourselves a little bit.

Absolutely.

That was the hardest thing for me. I wasn't asking the right questions. It took me longer to find my right team for that particular battle than it did for my second battle. The first time around, Joel, it's embarrassing, but I have to say, I actually interviewed 23 different doctors before I could land on the right team. And I even had my husband saying, what you're looking for, you can't find. Maybe you need to dial down your expectations.

Mm-hmm.

And I said, I don't believe that. I love you for that. That's why you're on my team, but I don't believe that. I believe I will find what I'm looking for. I'm asking the wrong questions. So, then I started to find, started digging into what should I be asking, and I immediately figured that out, and it helped me to find the right team. And actually, I ended up getting the answers that I needed. So, it was a painful, slow process because finding the right team wasn't something that I was comfortable with in the medical industry.

Mm-hmm.

I was very comfortable with it in the corporate world. So, it didn't feel right, and something didn't set— it just didn't, in my gut, something just didn't feel right. I felt like What I'm asking for, I should be able to find. So I kept looking, where a lot of times when you're faced with a medical issue, you stop looking and you just believe and accept whatever's been told to you the first time. And that was where I was stubborn and said, I'm not going to accept this. This doesn't feel right. I'm going to keep on digging for the right people.

Yeah, I wouldn't even say it's stubborn, Victoria. I would say that it is a curiosity. That to first admit to yourself, this is not my expertise and I'm dealing with an emotional, a highly charged emotional situation right now.

Yeah.

And I'm not familiar with the, as I said, with the medicine words. So I need to be more curious. At the same time, as your husband would probably vouch, that you also have a certain high level of expectation. You expect a lot from yourself and so you're also expecting a lot from others.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Um, so I want to take a little break, and then, and then we'll take a little sort of improv your, your communication skills break. Uh, but when I come— when we come back from that, uh, I wanted to talk a little bit about the, uh, uh, what you're working on next, which is You Can't Be Epic If You Don't Show Up in Life. So we'll, we'll come back from the break and talk about that.

Okay, sounds great.

I was planting the seed. But now, uh, we'd like to take our little, uh, our little break here, which is what we call improv or improve your communication style. So we'll take a little 60-second break. And Victoria, are you, are you up for this? Are you game for this?

I'm ready.

I'm open-minded.

Let's do it. Okay, terrific. Uh, well, this is, uh, what we like to call a yes, But is how we start. So Victoria, let's just assume that you and I are on the same team, the biking endurance racing team, and we are— you are trying to get me on board to go do some crazy race in the Alps next summer.

Okay, that's right up my alley.

Are you ready?

Yeah, so just to let you know, I'm always going to answer with you— I'm always going to answer you with yes, but as I— when I answer you.

All right, that sounds good. I'm prepared for that.

Okay, great. Here we go.

Okay, so Joel, I just discovered the coolest mountain bike race. It's a 24-hour mountain bike race and it happens to be in the Swiss Alps. Now, the first thing in your mind is probably going to be, I don't know if I can actually race for 24 hours, but I can tell you right now, as a team, We could do this. I'm excited about the idea. Do you want to join me?

Yes, but Victoria, I— I don't know if I'm going to be in good shape to travel all the way there and then all of a sudden we're racing with the jet lag and all that.

Mm.

Well, that could be challenging. I happen to have some good antidotal naturopathic remedies that will help us to overcome that jet lag a little bit faster. And it's 6 months from now. Anybody could get ready for a race in 6 months.

Yes, but I don't have the experience of traveling. I get very anxious when I travel. I just feel that that's gonna slow down the team.

Well, what if I flew to you and we traveled together?

All right, we'll pause right here. This is great, Victoria. Now we're gonna Go back in time. We're going to rewind.

Do do do do do do do.

Going back in time, just to let you know, I'm going to answer now everything with yes and don't change anything. Just go back in time as though we never had that first conversation.

Okay, that's a deal.

All right, here we go. Start us off again. Yeah.

Okay, Joel, I'm pretty excited. I discovered a 24-hour mountain bike race that happens to be in the Swiss Alps. And I know you haven't done one before, but I'm pretty excited about it and think that if we did it together as a team, we could probably do a really impressive job.

Yes. And you know, as soon as you said Swiss Alps and 24 hours, I'm thinking, wow, we can really celebrate with a huge cheese fondue guilt-free afterwards.

Yes, we could. We would earn those calories. For sure. So do you have anything else that gets you nervous or anything else you would want to do while we're over there?

Uh, yes, and I, I do get nervous traveling, but hearing the passion and enthusiasm and comfort in your voice, um, I'm, I'm feeling like we could do it.

I love it.

Well then, I will get some more details to you and we'll start a training plan.

Perfect. All right, Victoria, we'll pause right here. We'll step out of it.

Bravo!

Yay!

Congratulations, you did your, your first improv exercise.

Thank you.

How did you feel when you were being yes-butted? How did that feel for you?

I would say because I'm full of very harebrained, epic, crazy adventure ideas, it's what I'm used to because I think all my friends say the yes, but or no, but. Either way, I'm used to it, but it's It's, uh, it's uncomfortable because you're constantly trying to get into the other person's mind and see if you can unravel that, what it is, that apprehension that's holding them back.

It's literally like trying to bike up the hill with the wind against you.

Absolutely.

Uh, and then how did you feel when you were being yes-anded?

I'm like, oh my gosh, we're going to take this to the next level. We can actually set some intentional, um, activities and we can, we can go hit this. So very excited. Very energizing.

Well, and I think this was such a— we do this exercise a fair bit. But again, I think this fits in so nicely with what you were talking about, about finding the joy and finding those abilities to find the humor and to be able to smile every day, in a sense, which is that yes, and mindset. It doesn't mean that we have to use the words yes, and. But it's that mindset of before I dismiss any idea, Let me be open to what is being said and done and see if there is anywhere to be collaborative and open, as you say.

Yep, I would agree.

So let's go over to now to— I think this is your upcoming book. Is that correct? About you can't be epic if you don't show up in life?

Yes, I haven't figured out the exact title, but it's definitely about having warrior mindset to be able to do epic shit. So yes, you're on the right track.

All right, so, so tell us about that. So this is, this is now sort of the, the sequel to, to How Will You Face Your Speed Bump. Now you faced it, and now, um, you sort of had this other aha now about, about how to get— how to do this epic shit and how to have that warrior mindset.

Yes, that's right. So It's interesting when you look at all the research that's been done out there on the mindset today, and a lot of it unfortunately is quite negative over the course of the last 5 years. You see huge shifts in depression and in the lack of resilience that currently exists.

Mm-hmm.

And that makes me very sad because I feel like I've got the The ability to share with the world some insights as to how you can be more resilient. And I think you probably have to start with understanding what is resilience in the first place. And resilience is simply the ability to take a really crappy situation, which we're all going to have and face—

Mm-hmm.

Take some real crap in life and face it, but come out the other side of that spin cycle Much faster than others do around you, and also with a level of gratitude for what you've been through and the ability to help other people with it. So, that resilience— we see people faced with hardships every day, but it's almost as if they are taking those hardships and turning them into depression and anxiety and all of these, again, dark emotions, and looking to prescription medication, to alcohol, to drugs. to, unfortunately, suicide to solve or take away that pain. And the warrior mindset is different than that. It's the ability to be resilient through those hardships, and the way that you do that is actually by finding happiness and gratitude. And a lot of people are not armed with the ability to do that when you're going through something tough.

Yeah.

So, some of the experiences That I've had allow me the opportunity to be able to share that with other people. And I think part of that finding happiness to be able to do epic stuff is really a matter of 3 major components.

Mm-hmm.

One, it's connectivity with other people. You can't shy away from people because you're going through something hard. It's better for you to connect with people and for you to talk. through what you're going through and feel that actual physical contact, a hug, a smile, and it may cause tears to happen, but being able to be vulnerable and humble enough to accept the fact that that's actually healthy. So, part of it's connectivity with people, part of it's doing something for someone else. And I found that when I was going through this speed bump the first time and faced cancer the first time, I had a mantra and I had something written on my wall And it said, find one reason to smile today. Well, it was an 18-month journey for that first battle, and that's a long— that's an endurance race, right? That's a long stint.

Mm-hmm.

So, about— I would say about 4 months into it, I erased that and wrote, find one person to give a smile to. It did me okay for that first 4 months to try to find one reason to smile each day. It was fine.

Mm-hmm.

But it was vanilla. When I shifted it to find one person to give a smile to today, it actually became an exponential, amazing endorphin high that would happen. This dopamine rush would happen because when that person smiled and they smiled back at me, it was much more powerful than me just finding my own smile.

Mm-hmm.

And I know that there's been a lot of research done on that, and I won't bore the audience with all of that. case study, but it's a huge change. So, when you connect with people and then you find a way to give back, whether it's through a small sense of humor or kindness that you give back, and then the third piece is you find the ability to have gratitude for whatever it is that you've been through, all 3 of those things combined will lead to happiness. And that's that warrior mentality. It's oftentimes about just showing up. And I had a friend of mine say, I know you don't want to go to radiation every single day for the next 7 weeks, but do you know that the majority of people that are supposed to go through radiation actually just stop going, and they just stop showing up?

And I didn't know that. Right.

And I said, well, I'm not going to be that. The warrior in me is going to show up, even if I'm terrified. And so, part of doing epic shit sometimes is actually just showing up to some of the hard things in life. Yeah, that was a lot, but there you go.

Um, and, and I like this, Victoria, because it's, it's showing up, uh, and you've got it in 3 ways here. What, you know, one is to, to feel it, to actually connect with other people. And, and as you said, that actually releases chemicals in the brain, releases our dopamine, releases our oxytocin when you do it for others, such as not just a reason to smile, but a reason to give a smile to someone. It gives you an intention, a mission, and then gratitude. So what I like about all this is that we think warrior mindset, we think it's about being tough when really it's not about being tough. It's actually about finding the joy and making that our mission.

Yeah, that's right. I would say that lately I've seen in the corporate world as Well, as I coach and mentor others and lead others, I'm seeing as well a lot of people who think that to be a warrior, you've got to actually go to battle, right?

Mm-hmm.

You've got to either fight cancer, or you've got to go into a war, or go into the military, and that's not at all what it's about. It's about showing up differently, and it's about being bold and doing things that maybe others wouldn't necessarily necessarily try, but you trying it for the first time, and you may fall, you may fail. I hope you fail, because if you don't, you won't learn. But if you can try it and succeed, you're a warrior. And that's a pretty cool notion, that sometimes it's actually about letting your emotions or guard down to be willing to try something new.

Love it. That's the whole idea of This Feels Right, which is— You know, going back to looking for those 23 doctors to make sure to find the one that feels right. And because you're brave enough to say, this is what I need emotionally to feel right. Victoria, we are— this has been lovely. We could keep going, but I want to— this brings an end to our segment. So where can we find out more? We've got books. We've got VP Strategies. Where can we find out more about Victoria?

Yep.

You can find the book Living Life Loudly: How Will You Face Your Speed Bump on Amazon. And then you can find me if you want to connect with me on LinkedIn, or you can find my website is www.bpstrategies.com. And those are probably the best ways to find me.

This has been great. You know, I really feel like now with the, you know, connecting with other people, talking through, feeling it, doing it for others, and Gratitude is such 3 big takeaways about having that warrior mindset and giving us the courage to do epic stuff. Thank you so much for your time, Victoria Porter Creamer.

Thank you, Joel. Happy New Year to you.

Happy New Year. All the best for 2020. Take care.

Thank you.

Become our friend on Facebook. Post your thoughts about our shows and network on our timeline. Visit facebook.com/voiceamerica.

The Voice America Live Events channel is here now to showcase your corporate, individual, or organization's live event. Visit voiceamerica.com/liveevents to see all of our past live events and find out more. Whether it's a multi-day conference, special speaker or single-day event, we've got everything to make your event a success. We can do a few hours or a few days. For more information about taking your event to the next level, call Jeff Spenard at 480-294-6417 or email info@voiceamerica.com. Again, that's Jeff Spenard at 480-294-6417 or send us an email to info@voiceamerica.com. Voice America is where you are and where you want to be. Join us around the globe as we broadcast live from some of the most interesting events available. Don't forget to view all our live events, including on-demand access to past events that you may have missed, by visiting voiceamerica.com/liveevents.

Have you become a member yet? Sign up now to become a member of Voice America. It's always free and easy, plus you get to take advantage of some great member benefits. Get unlimited access to millions of hours of on-demand content across all of our channels. Keep track of your favorite episodes, shows, and hosts in your own customizable library. Find out what shows you might be interested in based on your favorites. Plus, you get insider access with our newsletter. Membership gives you more. Sign up at voiceamerica.com and click register at the top right.

When it comes to business, you'll find the experts here. Voice America Business Network.

You are listening to TFR, This Feels Right. If you have a question or comment for Joel Silverstone, please send an email to joel@joelsilverstone.com. Again, that's joel@joelsilverstone.com. Now back to TFR.

Welcome back to TFR, This Feels Right. And our second guest is Christy Mann. So Christy, let me check in before we jump in. How are you feeling today?

I am good, Joel. Just, uh, ending the holidays, ending the year here with a bit of a cold, but that didn't stop me from talking to you and, and connecting with your great audience.

Terrific. Thank you. And, and the, the irony is that you were in the tropics and you catch a cold.

Isn't that how it goes though? When we slow down, the body says, hey, let's get sick.

That's exactly it. Welcome to 2020. This is our show where we just had Victoria Porter Kramer talking about the warrior mindset. Now it's time to get a little sass here with Christy Mann. She's going to be sharing her insights and stories and mindsets on how we can build our awareness and our capabilities to really be able to do better for ourselves and therefore influence those around us. Chrissy Mann, as you already heard in her voice, she is known for her fiery energy, her enthusiasm to learn and to grow and to then share those learnings. That is exemplified in her book as she's the author of The Adventures of Lil Sass: Cape On! She is a leadership coach. She's also a learning and trainer consultant with the CoActive Training Institute. She is also an instructor in kunda— and I'll try to say it and get this right— Kundalini yoga and meditation teacher, and she is also running— and we're going to talk about this a little bit later— the Emotional Leadership Academy, how to get unstuck and unnumb yourself and get more energy. It was interesting because, Christy, we were speaking with Victoria earlier and she was talking a lot about joy. I know that's a big theme of yours as well.

That is.

It is. Christy, before we go any further, did I get that intro right? Is that correct? Is that who you are?

That is who I am. Yeah, I mean, that, that's my, you know, some of my credentials, and hopefully your audience will get to know me a little bit better too.

That's right. Yeah, it's not who you are, it's what you, it's what you've been up to.

It's what I've been up to.

Yeah. Uh, and speaking of what you've been up to, um, you know, what I really found interesting is how you sort of started your, your, your journey into this corporate world when you started off at, uh, working at McDonald's, and you were there as a young manager, and You got promoted. You were the boss. So you felt that somehow you had to put on this cape or this mask of being the boss, of what that meant. Turns out, it wasn't working out so well. Some feedback was that you were a bad manager. You seeked some mentorship or some advice. Something that really stuck with you and that sort of was this aha— tell me if this is correct— was someone asked you, are you actually coaching your people? So let's start with that. Is this correct? Is this where the journey began?

Yeah, it's definitely where the professional journey began. And like you said, Joel, I was doing some local marketing work for McDonald's Canada, and I was just failing brilliantly as a people manager. I was probably about 26, 27, and I had 13 direct reports across the province of Ontario. And I mean, really, if I look And when I look back now, I had no business being in that role. And I think like a lot of young managers who had been good in— I was very good in the role that I had been promoted to, to then manage. I thought I had to have all the answers.

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, and I thought the definition of leadership was kind of like, you know, you know it all. And obviously, I learned real fast that that wasn't the truth. I wasn't getting the business results I'd been hired to get. My team was definitely rebelling against me, and I wasn't sleeping at night. And so, like you said, I got some advice from a franchisee that I had done some consulting work for, and he said, have you considered coaching your team?

Mm-hmm.

And this is going back about 12, 13 years ago, and it was before coaching was as mainstream as it is now inside organizations. And so when he said to coach your team, I was like, well, this isn't sports. This is business. This is leadership.

Right.

And he said, do some research. And I did. And I thought, oh my gosh, this is about listening to people. It's about being curious with them. It's about helping them come up with their own solutions, all of which I was doing none of. And so I took a deep breath and I thought, Wow, you know what? I actually think it's a more natural way for me to be, which is to listen and to be more curious. And I had made up this story that I was supposed to, you know, be doing all the talking. And I just started to listen more and ask more questions. And within 3 months, the team's performance shifted. And within 4 months, the business needle moved. And that was my aha moment. was that if I was going to be a successful people manager, I needed to be a manager or a leader who knew how to coach. And then that kicked me off on, on my coaching journey, which has taken me to many other places since then.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah. And you— I like this about, uh, because— and this is the, the premise of the show, you know, does this— how do we influence others without being manipulative? And, and that's why I like that, that story, because You started off going, well, I should be telling people what to do. Starting off with just— if I'm going to be a good people manager, starting off with just listening and curiosity as a way to really get people to shift. Then there was actually financial results because of that. There was actually a shift in that.

You got it. I think that that's why coaching is a core leadership competency. Competency, and most organizations have realized that now and are ensuring that their managers have a coaching skill set so that it's not manipulation, it's not top-down leadership, but rather it's much more collaborative-style leadership. And it's really about having people take ownership for their part of the work that they're doing. And coaching is one way to do that. People come up with their own solutions.

Yeah, so that takes us then to— now let's go over to Lil Sass now, which is the evolution of coaching, which is getting a better understanding of— now you wrote this for kids, but this appeals to everybody of all ages— about being more in tune, I guess, with our emotions or being more aware of our emotions. Is that right? Or maybe you could tell us a little bit more about Lil Sass.

Yeah, no, that's exactly it. So as I went on, I did my coach training certificate, and then I did a leadership program with the Co-Active Training Institute. And as I then continued on my own journey, I realized that I didn't have a healthy relationship with my own emotions. And as I was working with other leaders inside organizations, I realized I wasn't Mm-hmm. That it was almost like this is just kind of a passage to adulthood nowadays in our culture, where many of us have not been given the tools to know how to be with sadness, anger, even joy. And so, I wrote The Adventures of Little Sass, and there's 3 books: The Adventure of Sadness, The Adventure of Anger, and The Adventure of Joy. And there are different tales about this little girl who goes on these journeys and adventures to learn how to be with her emotions. And in the book, she is given this red cape by Mrs. Moo, who is this healer that lives on her property. And Mrs. Moo says to her, you will have angry days, sad days, joyful days. That is your right as a human being. So, use this cape to feel your emotions. And so, that is what little Saff does when she Something happens, she feels the emotion coming up, she puts her cape on, and she allows herself to feel her emotions. So, I am on a mission to help adults and children have a healthier, more responsible relationship with their emotions, because I really believe that if we do, then we are, we are better leaders. We are more in tune with ourselves. We are more We're more vulnerable, transparent, real. We're just more accessible. And I think that that's the way that leadership is going and will continue to go as this next generation comes up and really pushes the envelope on it.

It really is the evolution of coaching. And I like this about being more accessible. It starts with, OK, I'm going to be listening and be more curious, which means I'm going to let my guard down a little bit. I'm going to have to be a bit vulnerable here.

Yeah.

Then now, it's being more aware. Go, hang on. Am I angry right now? Am I actually not having a good day? Am I having a sad day? In fact, I can remember— I can't remember what the book was now, the book we read when we were kids, and it always stuck with us and we still use it today, which is It was all about colors and it was like, oh, today's a gray day. Nothing moves today. It was, everything was with colors as a way to sort of define your emotions.

That's cool. That's really cool. Well, it's a little sappy. I mean, I've used the kind of standard colors with each emotion, you know, blue for sadness, red for anger, yellow for joy. Um, and I mean, I just think it's never too soon to be in conversation with the children in our lives around this topic. Because most kids have a very healthy relationship with their emotions. And as you know, they're sad one moment, angry the next, joyful the next.

Yeah.

And we think nothing of it. But as adults, what we tend to do is project our relationship with our own emotions onto them. And then that starts to shape how they react. And so, what I'm wanting is just to bring more awareness to adults around their own relationship to their emotions and possibly pay attention to the children in their lives because there's so much that we can learn from kids and how they have emotional resiliency and emotional flexibility.

And even just dealing with, you know, if you're just dealing with your work colleagues, even just to have that awareness to recognize that's what's going on with them. I want to talk about joy because Victoria was talking about— she's a 2-time breast cancer survivor. And she was saying finding the joy was one of the keys to get her to get through it. And I think joy is something that most of us have difficulties figuring out. I'm in joy right now. This is that moment. I'm not really pausing. I'm not really celebrating this. We're so focused in this day and age about moving as fast as possible. So can you talk a little bit more about joy, Kristi?

Most definitely. And just a shout out to Victoria, like, incredible she is, and to survive what she has survived and to find joy. And so in The Adventures of Little Sass, she gets some conditioning around joy that to be careful to express it, because if she's too joyous, People might think she's bragging, or she might make people jealous.

Mm-hmm.

And so, that's some conditioning that some people get. You know, it's kind of like, just keep things even keel. So, I have a completely different perspective on that. I feel that when we express our joy from a true, authentic place, it inspires others, and it— it's almost like it lights fires in other people. So, it's important that this is an important emotion for all of us to really try to connect to. And I agree with you that for a lot of people, they just, they do not know how to. They just feel bad if they express excitement. And so, I know one way that I get in touch with my joy is by dancing.

Yes.

And I think for everybody, it might be a bit different. You know, I have one friend, I really, you want to start by asking yourself, what brings me joy? And one friend, she loves baking. Baking brings her joy. Another, it's being in nature. And, you know, so start by asking yourself, what is it that brings me joy? And do more of that, you know, and allow yourself to really experience the joy and then hopefully share it with somebody so that it amplifies and multiplies and we get practice in talking about the things that bring us joy.

So getting rid of the guilt that we have to, to say, uh, this— I enjoy baking, I enjoy dancing, I enjoy, I enjoy going for that walk in the Why not give myself a gift and celebrate it? Because basically I will be a better person if I'm celebrating these joyous moments. Then that becomes infectious to others. If we want to influence others without being manipulative, then it starts with that. It starts about being happy or celebrating our joyous moments.

Most definitely. I think Victoria spoke about this with you. Gratitude is really a powerful tool. portal to really amplifying the things that bring us joy. And maybe she talked about this. This is a great practice for people to start in the new year if they do not have a gratitude practice, to take a few moments each moment, each morning and before they go to bed, just to acknowledge what they are grateful for.

Yes.

Because we all know that the things that we focus on amplify. So really highlighting the things that are bringing us joy, um, are going to turn the volume up on that for sure.

Yeah. Uh, the gratitude journal is, is, you know, taking a few minutes to do that because we're so focused on, on the negative stuff that happened. And, um, and then, yeah, then that just kind of eats us up alive. So if we actually— it's changing that perspective, it's switching the gears. Uh, and so on that note of switching the gears, I want to talk about getting unstuck and unfucked, as you say, and unnumb yourself and get more energy right after we do a little improv your communication style break.

Cool.

Christy, are you ready to do this little 60-second exercise? I'll tell you what we're going to do.

I am ready.

Okay, great. This is what we call last letter, first letter. Maybe this will tie into getting unstuck, but this definitely ties into listening, as you were talking about earlier. We're going to— you're going to say a sentence. We're going to give a title to the story. You're going to say a sentence or a short sentence. And then whatever that sentence ends with, that last letter, I have to make that the first letter of my sentence. And then you will then take the last letter of my sentence and make that your first letter. So we'll do about 4 sentences in this little story. Does that make sense?

Great. Let's try it.

OK.

So let's make this the title of the story. Here we go. I went to Florida over the holidays. That's the title of our story.

Great.

All right, so start us off. Yeah.

Okay, so I start with S. Sun was shining some days and rain was on other days.

So boy, were we challenged to decide what to do next.

Then I saw my cousin, who was one of my favorite people, and we had margaritas at sunset.

Uh, totally awesome was the experience to be with my cousins and my family in Florida over the holidays. And scene.

And scene and scene. All right, that was fun.

Good. How did you feel?

I love it. I love improv. It's so much fun. Thank you for that.

It's good because it's taking that pause to really have to listen to someone and make that connection of a story, but also to be uncomfortable for a few seconds.

It's great. And you know, when we train coaches and managers to coach, we use a lot of improv. And a lot of activities like that because, like you said, you have to be present and listening and kind of dialed into the other person, which is— these are all qualities of great leaders and managers and coaches.

Absolutely. So we have a few minutes left, and what I'd like to do is in our last few minutes here, Kristy, is talk about the emotional— sorry, the getting unstuck and getting getting unnumb and un-eff, as you say, and get more energy. And then, and then we'll have a minute or two to just talk about where we can find out more about you. So let's start with the, uh, with getting unstuck. Talk— can you talk to us a little bit about that?

Sure.

So that, that's the tagline for the Emotional Leadership Academy. So it is to unstuck, un-eff, unnumb yourself, and get more energy. And so So out of response from the Little SASS books, I had a lot of adults reach out to me to say, I love your books. Clearly, they're really for adults, but do you have any products for me as an adult? So I created a 6-week online program that is encompassing leadership development and coaching skills, spiritual psychology skills, specifically Gestalt and emotional rational behavior therapy, as well as Kundalini yoga and meditation.

Mm-hmm.

And the pre— the purpose of the 6 weeks is to help adults have a healthier relationship with their emotions. So we explore sadness, anger, and joy, and we talk about and learn about their scientific evolutionary purpose. We talk about the conditioning we receive as a culture, as a society, and then what you've received individually. And then I introduce different tools from the modalities I just listed to help people have a healthier relationship with these emotions. And so people walk away feeling like, oh, like some of my participants had never really been in touch with their anger.

Mm-hmm.

And after the 6 weeks, they have, and they now have a tool to use when they are feeling anger so that they can keep expressing it in a healthy and responsible way. Same thing goes for sadness and, and joy. And so, it is, it is a program for anybody who really feels like they could have a healthier relationship with their emotions. And it, it is, you know, if they are parents and they want more tools to be able to talk to their kids about it, or, or teachers, or managers, people working with humans. It's just a great course so that you can be a more emotional leader, is what I'm calling it, emotional leadership.

Yeah. I think especially going into this age of artificial intelligence, being able to be more aware of your emotions and have a better understanding of your emotions to therefore be able to be a better communicator with others, but also to be able to recognize in other people, I would imagine. It would be able to be— you don't have to be sympathetic. But just to be more empathetic to other people that are— on the surface seem fine, but maybe there is an anger or there's a sadness that is fueling that.

You got it. I think wherever we go, there we are. We bring our whole selves to work, to our extracurricular activities. And so as leaders, if we can have more emotional awareness to support others, I'm not talking about everybody being therapists or even coaches, but just being more in touch with your own emotions will allow you to show up more effectively for others.

Well, I think it also takes the— you stop sort of blaming everybody else and you start to have more— take more responsibility for your actions, which in a sense makes you a better coworker, makes you a better parent as well.

You got it. 100%, Joel.

Christy, what I'd like to do is just take a couple minutes here, and where can we find out more about you and, and, and, you know, everything that you got going on? Because you, you've got, you've got quite a few things going on. So where can we find out more about you?

Yeah, so if people are interested in learning more about Lil Fats and the emotional wellness adventure she's on, you can You can find the books on Amazon or barnesandnoble.com. And her website is lilsass.com, lilsass.com. And then you can learn more about me and the Emotional Leadership Academy on my website, which is www.christiemann.com. And I'm on Instagram and you can find me there too. The handles are the same.

Awesome.

as the website.

Lil Sass also has an Instagram site, is that correct?

That's right. Adventures of— yes, actually that's Adventures of Lil Sass, and she's on Instagram as well.

Is there any other upcoming adventures for Lil Sass?

Well, last year I focused on making the Emotional Leadership Academy, so the adventure for big sasses. We're still rolling out more modules, and I'm looking at creating a book for the big SASSes, for the adults, based on what's been coming out of the Emotional Leadership Academy.

Yes.

I think down the road, Little SASS will explore other emotions and other things. And for 2020 though, we're going to keep focusing on big SASSes, because the big SASSes keep knocking on the door and saying, I need help with this. That's my emotional leadership. We're listening to our audience and responding accordingly.

I like that. Big sass. Is this correct if I say one of the things that comes out of being unstuck is that you heal, you grow, you help others? Is that right?

Most definitely. Those are words I like to live by. That's how I see it, for sure.

Christy, thank you for bringing Lil Sass to us and to this show. It's absolutely about finding the joy and finding the anger and finding the sadness and being much more aware of it is going to help us be better with ourselves and influence those around us. Thank you so much for your time. I'm Joel Silverstone. This has been TFR. If you have any questions for This Feels Right or TFR, reach out to me on LinkedIn, Joel Silverstone on LinkedIn, or on Twitter @SilverstoneTalk, or on the website, joelsilverstone.com. This is all the best for 2020 with your warrior mindsets, and now you've got some little sass. Thank you, and we'll see you next week on TFR, This Feels Right.

Thank you for tuning in to TFR, This Feels Right. Please join host Joel Silverstone for another edition next Friday morning at 7:00 AM Pacific Time and 10 AM Eastern Time on the Voice America Business Channel. We'll talk again soon.