Mastering Communication: Insights from Joel Silverstone

Hey everybody, Wendy Sellers here, the HR Lady. Welcome back. We are here with a very special guest, Joel Silverstone. Hey Joel.

Hey Wendy. Hey JC.

Thanks for coming. I am, I am so excited to hear about This Feels Right. So we're here today talking about effective communication skills, and it's the number one problem in my opinion in the entire world, not just in The, you, you know, in the workplace. And so talk to us a little bit before we get into that about, you know, about yourself. How did you get to where you are now?

You know, as, as I'm hearing JC's radio voice, this is, this is one of the reasons I actually, not because of your radio voice, JC, we're probably about the same age, but that's one of the reasons I got into this business was actually it was one word and that word was A, and that was the Fonz. So, so there's a similarity here in the, in the, in that, you know, JC's radio voice and the Fonz going, hey, I want to be an actor. I want to be the Fonz, or I want to be Jack Tripper. And those in your audience who don't know, Google it. Those are the reasons we stayed home was to watch must-see TV on, on those nights. And so I went into acting and then like a lot of actors, it didn't quite pan out. I started teaching acting. And what was interesting was that people in the business world started coming to the acting classes because, yeah, how do you be pre— you know, as you said, communication. How do you be present? How do you really listen? How do you make quick decisions? And for over 25 years now, I've been in the corporate world doing This Feels Right, which is basically the idea of that we make our decisions emotionally, trying to communicate, and we miss— and we miss it. We miss the emotions because We're so task-focused and we're so driven by our policies or procedures that we miss those, those key moments that when people are deciding in a communication standpoint whether they wanna move forward with the conversation, the first thing they're asking themselves is, does this feel right? And so I said, well, I'm gonna call the company. This feels right.

I love it.

There we go. That's, yeah, that's it.

I absolutely love it. And just on a little side note here, referring to JC's radio voice, folks that are listening, did you know that he's an experienced event MC? So if you So if you need an MC for your event around the United States, reach out by visiting jimconnors.net.

Oh, Wendy, you—

Little infomercial there.

Hey, you know what?

He, he opened that up. I had to slide that in.

You're, you're too kind. You're too kind. And with that, I couldn't be on air right now without a real quick statistic. That's what I'm here for. So workplace communications statistics show that 86% of employees and executives cite the lack of effective collaboration and communication as the main cause of workplace failure. Back to you. Whoa.

Joel, talk to us about that.

Yeah. Oh, you nailed it. That's— you know, from the world of acting, what always amazed me was, coming into the business world, was, you know, as an actor, you're looking at the script, and it's on purpose, and things are happening on purpose. So, as an actor, you have to be really, really present when you're doing the scene. Because if you're not being present, then everyone in the audience knows you're acting. So you have to be very present, especially in the world of virtual and the camera's on you. It's the same world thing of film and TV. It's catching our reactions. So I agree. Like, I was always amazed in the business world. Like, did you not? I can't, I can't believe you just missed that clue. Did you not hear what the person just said? The clues and cues that people miss, because again, we're so task-focused. And then, so when we're doing some practice scenarios, because we'll, I'll bring some of that into the training. I'll always, I'll always sort of do, you know, that was the clue bird that somebody was dropping a hint. You know, for example, I was working with a manager and what was interesting was they were surprised that HR was called into the situation because what happened, and I'll give you the background of this person, but what happened in a nutshell was this manager, well, let's give them a name. I'll ask Andy, gimme, gimme a name of a manager.

Stuart.

Okay. Stuart. So Stuart, and, and Stuart likes to be called Stu. So Stu is, has an employee that comes up to them and says, Stu, I'm struggling with someone. I, I, I need your help with them. They're, they're really kind of driving me crazy. And Stu just says, you know what? Just do it on your own. And then that employee leaves. Goes, sees HR, says they weren't being supported. Now Stu is shocked and surprised that this happened because for them, Stu, you know, left home when they were 17, did everything on their own, self-motivated, self-focused. And so they were just thinking they weren't able to communicate it. They were just thinking, you'll figure it out. I'm, I'm not gonna hold your hand. And so that's one of the biggest challenges of communication is not recognizing maybe that one, My superpowers are maybe not your superpowers. So that's number one, you know, and being empathetic. 2, we don't always say what we're thinking and we expect people to read our mind. So Stu was thinking the employee was reading their, their mind and going, oh, Stu probably is thinking you got this. I believe in you. I know you could do this. And that's really what Stu was thinking, but did not verbalize that. And so Stu had said that and said, Hey, employee, you know, hey, this sounds really difficult. We could do 2 things. One is, you know, I believe in you. I know you got this. And I think if you take ownership, you'll probably feel more, more responsible for it. Or 2, uh, we could discuss it and, and I could give you some guidance, or I could step in and, and do a mediation between the 2. But he didn't— but Stu didn't say that.

Right, because he was expecting them to read his mind.

That's right, because we— in communication, you know, the 86% We, we expect people to have ESP. We expect people to be, to be mind readers.

Right now, is this what you mean by high-stake conversations?

Yes, because what's interesting is that we always think a high-stake conversation is basically you're fired, I have to let you go. For sure, those are high stakes. But say, so many of our conversations feel like high stakes and we don't even realize that they were high stakes at the moment. And so that was an example where a conversation became high stakes, or something that seemed was very normal on the surface, seemed like a regular conversation, quickly escalated, quickly became dramatic because we're again task-focused and we expect people to read our mind.

Yeah. At home too.

Oh, 100%. 100%. Yeah. Yeah, we, we do, like, you know, at home we do so many passive-aggressive things. But, but, you know, but it's all about connection too, right? So let's, let me ask you, like, Wendy and JC, let me ask you a question because you're, you're in different locations, you've been doing this podcast for a while, and I'm sure you have differences, but how have you figured out how to collaborate?

Yeah, so that's a very good question. You know, it takes some trial and error for sure, a lot of error. And it's also saying, hey, we're gonna make mistakes and we're gonna to screw this up, but then we're going to learn, hey, let's not do that again because that didn't feel good. I think it's mutual respect and then figuring out how are we going to communicate. I'm in Florida. JC is practically in Canada and upstate New York. And, you know, we use an online system to communicate where I start an agenda and then he finishes it. And then we kind of, you know, both work on it together and share, share it with the guests such as yourself. And it's, it's not easy at first if you haven't worked together or if you haven't worked together in this capacity. So my advice is really to allow for mistakes, know that there's going to be some. So build, you know, build like a balloon around that, knowing that there's going to be mistakes. What, what about you, JC?

Flexibility and trust. Without the trust, we don't have the opportunity for the flexibility that we need to make mistakes. And it's okay to iterate. It doesn't matter where you are in life, in what position you're in, or what the situation is that you're in. Some people prefer to be planners. They want to have everything laid out and know what is exactly ahead of them, and I know what is coming next. And others are good with the 80% solution. They're willing to get it out there and get it going and change as things move forward. And that is the flexibility That compounds with the trust, which is also the basis of being able to sit down with Wendy, have a glass of wine, and tell a few jokes at the same time and know that when it, when it's work, it's work. When it's play, it's play. And at the end of the day, we're both okay. I didn't mean to make that rhyme at this time during the show, you know.

And remember, JC is available for your bar mitzvahs, weddings, corporate events. And there's more. What you both said, there's so much gold in what you just said. You know, one is that mutual respect. Mutual respect comes because it sounds like you've made an agreement that you're going to make mistakes. So there's no judgment.

Oh no, Joel, she's said that. Yeah, she said, yeah, she wants, she wants me to respect her. She doesn't respect me. So don't worry about it. I'm only kidding. Okay. So I'm kidding.

One person, one person is the boss. One person just listens and goes, mm-hmm. Yep, absolutely.

The HR lady and the stats guy. Yeah, no, I know. I get it.

But it is, you know, one of the first things you said was mutual respect and mutual respect comes because you've agreed on some similarities. And as JC said, you know, when you, when you're at work, you decided you're gonna take it seriously. You're, when you decide you're gonna be at play, you decide you're gonna do that as well. You're also deciding what kind of conversations you're going to be having. Are we having a work conversation? Are we having a fun conversation? And you're okay with that. There's also no judgment, what I'm hearing. And that's the mutual respect because you're allowed, you're allowing each other to make mistakes. And you've agreed that those mistakes are going to be learning because you both have a mutual goal, which is make this the best darn podcast around.

Right.

Right. Which, by the way, we are now on Podcast Radio USA for Channels in the United States are on the radio now. So, woo, woo, woo.

It's amazing.

Hey, I, I have a, a stat that I was looking up before the, the show here, and it said that 70% of people believe that wasted time is one of the worst consequences of poor communication. What are your thoughts on that?

Wasted time?

Yep.

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

I'm— again, it reminds me of this executive at the C-level. Uh, let's give this person a name. JC, that was Wendy last time. JC, give this person a name, please.

Lance.

Indicative. Lance.

Perfect.

Yeah, yeah. Lance used to be in a boy band and now has become an executive.

He changed his name at that point. Yeah, he goes by Gord now. That's fine though. Go on. That's right.

Yeah. Okay, so Gord Formerly Lance from the boy band. Yeah. So Gord is— Gord is— I love Gord because Gord writes the script for everybody. So when Gord communicates, Gord will always say— Gord's a talker. This is another problem with communication is that people are talkers. They're not actually working on communicating, just to connect with another person. So Gord is a talker and Gord will go on and on and go, okay, Wendy, So this is what we're gonna do. And I know you're probably gonna say, I don't think we could do that. Well, here's what I'm thinking, Wendy, and I'm gonna, I'm gonna share with that. I know you're probably thinking, oh, here he goes again. The Gord fills in the blanks.

Yeah.

Now, Gord was sharing the other day that, uh, Gord, he was really struggling with someone and he told this person, cuz they were gonna present their PowerPoint and he told them like over and over and over again, you know, what the problem was basically, you know, if you present this, you're gonna implode at that meeting. It's just, it's not gonna, it's not gonna fly. And kept going on and on. But because they basically filled in all the blanks, the other person just went to silence. And, and so then Gord just goes, well, that's it. I tried everything. And that's the waste of time. Gord doesn't realize that how much time they wasted trying to make their point, you know, and that's again, problem communication. Why aren't you seeing my point of view? Why aren't you getting what I'm, what I'm telling you is gold? Why aren't you listening? Because Gord, you know, is, is such a big person in the sense of talking a lot, filling up the room. The other person was more, you know, an analytical type, and they needed silence. They needed to feel empowered. And the more Gord spoke, the more they became silent. And Gord did not try to connect with that person, not try to communicate with that person, did not try to understand what did they need. Didn't even ask a question. And then exactly that, that's, it was a waste of time for both parties.

Yeah. Waste of time for both of them. That, that's a great example. And, you know, I, I just wanted to add another thing too. Another waste of time is when you failure to communicate at all, and then people make assumptions and are going down the project path over here, the wrong path, but nobody told 'em which way to go or gave them a little thing of like, Oh, by the way, the deadline's changed, or the pieces have changed, or the material's not here, or you're not even on this project anymore. So communication is so, so important. From that same statistics of, of saying 70% of people believe that wasted time is a consequence of poor communication, they also said that teams that do communicate effectively can increase their productivity. And we know that if you increase your productivity, You're gonna affect the bottom line eventually one way or the other.

Huge. I always say to people, answer the questions that people are asking themselves because people are not always good maybe at asking what they need. So for that project, people might not always be able to say, when is it due? Who else is involved? If I need support, who else can I contact? What should— is there any other changes? And So, you know, when you're communicating something, you basically wanna answer all of the questions possible when you're giving a project as an example of that. So this is due, these are the people that are involved, these are the people that could support you. Because when people feel that they're part of something, part of the, the community, it makes it easier for people to come and ask questions. And then the other problem with sometimes with the managers, they'll say, well, you know what? My door is always open. And the challenge with that is then the manager, you know, talk about waste of time. Then the manager's like, oh, I'm being inundated, constantly being asked questions, or people never take advantage of it because they don't want to interrupt. They don't want to interfere. They want to seem like they've got it under control. So what I'll always suggest is to a manager is say, you know, my door's open if there's an emergency. But here's our checkpoints. On Monday, we're gonna be from 9 to 9:15. We're gonna have a checkpoint. And Tuesday, uh, 3 o'clock. So we, they know, again, people know, people will just wanna know what are the expectations.

Yeah.

And when the expectations are clear, you can feel safe to ask questions. Cuz again, it, it's feeling safe. I think that's why, that's why miscommunication happens so much.

Yeah. And, and also teach your managers to answer the, the questions, the popular questions over and over again in advance. So maybe every time you roll out a project or every meeting, that meeting that you're talking about, to answer the questions before they're asked so that people know where to go back and find it. What's the time? Who's the main person in charge? What— how long do we have to get this done? Blah, blah, blah. Teach managers to answer them in advance. Joel, you're a rock star. You're a speaker, a trainer, a coach, a podcaster too, and the founder of This Feels Right. How can our listeners reach you?

Yeah, well, come on over, come on over to the website, thisfeelsright.ca, because I'm in Canada, so I'm promoting the CA. So thisfeelsright.ca. And then of course, the easiest thing, connect with me on LinkedIn. I think there's 2 Joel Silverstones. You'll know I'm the one that says This Feels Right. The other one I think is in, is in your state, JC, is in New York.

Yeah, that's not the good one. Go with this one.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah. Well, thank you so much for this information and being here today. We hope this information has been helpful to our listeners. Thanks for joining us and take care.