Shift the Turning Point in your conversations- feels right!

You're listening to TFR, This Feels Right. Hi there and welcome to TFR, This Feels Right. I'm your host, Joel Silverstone, and today's show is a passion of mine when it comes to communication skills, and that is The turning point in the conversations. We miss these certain moments in our conversations with customers, with colleagues, even personally, and it leads to a whole whack of impact. And we'll talk about that. But first, if you are new to TFR, this is the show that's about how to influence others without manipulation. It's important when we're influencing to be able to speak to the logic and more importantly connect to the emotions so the other person says, yeah, this feels right. So if you want to be able to learn how to shift behaviors, ideas, and actions without being pushy, then you are in the right place. Let's now talk about the turning point, or sometimes it's called the pivot point. And the idea here is that there is a shift in the conversation. And this is why I'm so obsessed with this. In my over 20 years of working with all kinds of organizations and working one-on-one and working one-on-100, I see the same trend over and over and over again. Whether that be a customer situation or coaching someone or in a sales situation or even in presentations and many times in personal situations I'll observe, there is a moment in that conversation and it often happens early and it's, to be honest, it's quite subtle. It's not as overt as we think it is. And there's a clue and cue that has been given by the other person. They're literally handing it to you, and you miss that opportunity to, by listening or empathizing, or be able to shift your attention or intention towards them. And the same thing with ourselves. We often miss the clues and cues that we are giving off, that we are being silent when we need to say something, that we are often speaking speaking too much when we should be listening, that our intention is not in line with our facial expression. So we might be saying, I'm really passionate about this, but your face does not match that. And so you're missing an opportunity to— that it becomes a turning point in that conversation. So let me expand around this turning point. And I'm going to give you some examples. And I'm going to give you some ways that you can become more aware. Because here is the thing about a turning point in a conversation. We're not ready. That's number one. So stay with me in this podcast because what you're gonna get out of this is some ways to be more ready, to build up your radar. And in the emotional intelligence world, we'll call it to build up your awareness, your self-awareness and your social awareness. What's going on with me and what's going on with the other person? Now what I want to do first is— here's a great way to look at this. I'm going to take you into the world of acting. And specifically, this is from the world of on-camera acting. This was a game changer for me, this technique, when it came to acting. Specifically when it came to doing auditions, which is you're on the spot, you don't know where it's going to go. So the only thing that you can be ready with is this tool that I'm about to share with you. And that's what I'd like to call the A and B scene. Now when you think about acting, we think about it's person has a line to deliver and they say with an intention, and then while the other person is talking, they're just getting ready to say their next line. Wrong. What actually is happening is once an actor delivers that line, they now have to be ready to To react, not act. I'm going to say this again. It's about reacting, not acting. Because an actor has to do this take after take after take. And more importantly, when it comes to on-camera acting, is the camera is right on you. So think about reality television. When reality television happening, what do we see more often? How is it edited? It's edited in a way that we see the people's reactions. Whether it happened or not for real, we don't know. But they've edited it that way because that's what makes drama real. And that's what makes as though people pick up on clues and cues, which doesn't happen in real life. We don't— we miss those clues and cues. So here's the way. When an actor delivers a line, the other actor must not look at their next line. So if the actor delivers a line and says, what time is it? Obviously, the other actors instinct would be to look at the next line, to be able to deliver that, to please them and deliver that information. But all they have to do is just sit there and actually listen and allow that intention, however they delivered it— what time is it? What time is it? What time is it?— and allow them to react in that. How did they feel? And then they're allowed to look at their next line. And so what it does is it trains the actors to listen and to be in the moment. So again, listening to be in the moment is the key to being ready for your awareness for turning points, because you don't know what's going to happen. If you are thinking about the future, you will not be in the present moment. You will miss the clues and cues because they are subtle. If you're thinking about the past, if you're thinking about the judgments you had about the other person, the assumptions you had about the other person, or the assumptions about this conversation, then you will miss the subtle clues and cues. So again, to recap what this exercise is, one person says a line, the other person is not allowed to look at their next line. They don't know what the script is going to be about. They have to be in that moment and react, and then they are allowed to look at their line and deliver. And vice versa, the other actor must also not look at their next line. So you're not busy thinking of the future, you are being in the present. And this is a great technique that actors use in auditioning, which is to be present, to be in the moment, is not look at your next line while the other person is talking. While the other person is talking, you give them your full attention so that you can be genuine and present and react. And that's going to fuel what you are going to say next. And that's what keeps the drama alive. Let's now go into our examples of where this is going to go. So as I said, we are not ready. We are building our awareness. So that is now our social awareness and our self-awareness happens with that acting exercise. And why it's so pivotal is because, as I said, it could lead to escalation if we miss those clues and cues. Oh, they didn't get it. I'm gonna have to repeat myself. It could lead to silence. They're not really listening to me. I don't feel heard. I don't feel understood. Trust has been threatened, right? I said something, they missed a chance to really empathize with me on that. Uh, okay, I'm gonna pull back and I'm gonna put on this shield. So these are why it's so important. These are turning points in conversations, is about how we can actually get a connection with that person to be able to move our conversations forward, especially if we are trying to get to a dialogue or try to get to a deeper relationship, whatever the interaction may be. This is so important in how we're able to communicate. Let me give you another example. Is often the past— I say we don't think about the past, but we do have to realize the past has a lot to do leading up to this moment. So let's assume that you are at your desk, you're busy typing away furiously, you're trying to send off that last email. It's Friday, 5 o'clock, and you're trying to think of the words, and you get a message flashing across your computer, and it says, hey, we need to talk. I'm gonna be out of town all weekend, but Monday morning, 9:00 a.m., let's, let's set up some time to talk about this. All right, and I'm signing off. I won't be checking my emails. I'll talk to you Monday at 9:00 a.m. Wow, can you imagine how you are feeling right now? Your self-talk is going into overdrive. Your adrenaline is spiking. biking, you are busy playing out all kinds of scenarios. And if you think of this, if Friday, 5 o'clock, you were already pretty stressed, you can imagine that maybe this weekend you had plans to relax or unwind. Well, that's all gone because now your emotions are rising, rising, rising, and rising all weekend to the point of probably that Monday morning at 9:00 AM is when you're meeting. And that Monday, the middle of the night, that 3 o'clock in the morning before the meeting, you're probably waking up. And you're busy writing out the script. You're writing out the whole scenario. I'm gonna say this, and then that person's gonna say that, then I'm gonna come back with this, then I'm gonna say this, right? You're already writing out the script, which means, A, you're not gonna be present because you've already written out the script. You think of how it's going to unfold. So that's mistake number 1. The second mistake that happens is that at Monday at 9:00 a.m., if your emotions are this high, where are the other person's? Well, they've been building it up too. They've been preparing themselves to speak to you at that, at that moment as well. So their emotions are going to be high. So to be aware that at that Monday morning at 9:00 a.m. when we need to talk and we don't know what it's about, to be ready is to be present and to not assume what this is going to be about. To be open and to realize the one thing that's going to have to happen is that I'm going to have to lower my own temperature. And I'm going to have to try to figure out how to lower the other person's temperature as well so that we can converse because their emotions are probably pretty high. We're meeting at this crisis point, so to speak. And this could be Monday at 9:00 a.m., this could be we need to talk in 20 minutes. The same thing is happening, is that the buildup that happens leading up to that moment to build that awareness. Let me give you examples of a couple of shifting points. One is a couple of personal examples. Years ago when I was a struggling actor, I was working at a barbecue chicken restaurant. And of course, this barbecue chicken restaurant, that's all they served. So the chicken would come out really, really fast. Customers were— certain customers, they were used to that speedy, speedy service. They weren't there for fine dining. My previous customer service experience before that, I was working at the Four Seasons Hotel. So I was used to more of a fine dining experience. And so I was scrambling all the time. I was always way behind. Customers, I thought, were being rude to me, and my tips reflected that. I just was not doing well. And then all of a sudden, my hands are full and a customer says to me, hey, where's my pie? And without even thinking, I just said, hey, excuse me, how many hands do you see that I have here? And the guy said, oh, I am so sorry. No problem. No rush. And I continued to speak to the customers like that. And what it was was the shift. Now, this is opposite of influencing, which is, you know, pull them in. What the point of this was, I matched their communication style. I stopped trying to please them because that wasn't pleasing them. I wasn't really listening to what they expected in return. And the way they were going to respect me was that if I matched tone and speed of voice, my style of speaking, instead of internalizing everything and apologizing and sort of commenting on them in my head. So matching your communication style, number one. If someone speaks fast, you might need to speak fast. If someone speaks slower, you might need to speak slower. If someone's type of thinking is a faster type of thinking, then you'll need to speed up your type of thinking to be able to match that communication style because that creates an enormous amount of trust and that helps that turning point, and it really did. In fact, the manager of the restaurant later made me the trainer of the people at that restaurant, of the new servers, to match that style, and they did really, really well. The second personal example professionally is— let's fast forward a few years later, many years later, and I'm now training a group on customer service, by coincidence, and You know, if you're in an organization and you hear that you're going to have a training on customer service, well, you can bet your eyes are going to really do a rollover. Nobody believes that they can get a training on customer service. What could they possibly learn? And a whole day? Come on. Seriously? So here I walk into this environment, and these are people who have years and years and years and years of experience. Not only that, they're in an environment where they are often verbally abused. and physically threatened. These are people that they just had it with customers. They just do not feel— they're telling themselves all kinds of stories about customers. They just do not feel valued and validated. And so sure enough, when my training starts and I walk in, and I'm from the outside, I'm not from this organization, right off the bat fingers are pointing at me. What do I know about this? What am I gonna teach them? This is baloney. And here's a turning point, because what's happening to me obviously is my emotions are starting to take over. But because I'm— I have this awareness now that, okay, this is a turning point. Literally, the red belt, you know, the flares are going off, the red light is going off, you know, turning point, turning point, turning point. And I'm hearing the clue bird, as I like to say, clue, clue, clue, which is what are these people saying? But they are saying that they feel hurt and they feel, most importantly, they feel unheard. So turning point, listen to what they are saying and empathize. And this might be counterintuitive because you might feel that you are being attacked. But they're not attacking me. So I'll give you another tip on that, which is Q-TIP, which is quit taking it personally. Q-TIP, quit taking it personally. It had nothing to do with me. They don't know me. I haven't even had a chance to even really build any kind of trust. So the way they're going to get to know me and build that trust is to have patience, listen to what they're saying. And this is going to be uncomfortable for a little while. The payoff is that afternoon they are doing improv games and exercises around customer service. They felt heard. They felt understood. They can now see what's in it for them. Turning point. If I came in and started pushing my agenda, which is, I hear you. I don't have— we don't have time for this. We got a lot to cover. There's a new model for you to learn. Let's get going. They would have shut down during the breaks. They would have been, you know, calling me all kinds of names basically and just said, they're stuck here, they're being punished, this is not fun. And I would have had an uphill battle all day. There would have been no point. Nobody would have won. And my third and final example is a personal one, which was a shaman was sharing with me, was a situation that she is having troubles with her partner. And wants to get past the we need to talk. You know, for a lot of people, the we need to talk, myself included, it just triggers all kinds of emotions and fears and anxiety when we hear that. And she wants to get past that we need to talk with her partner. So how can she do that? Here's the situation. You know, they have been together for a while and the partner is not really listening to, to our person here. She's just, just not feeling that she's being listened to and feeling understood. So how does she get that turning point? Because if she comes into the person's— we need to talk— they're gonna become defensive. They're not gonna get anywhere. So one thing was, A, find a neutral place when it becomes a turning point in a conversation. Find a place that is not your usual place. Like, their usual place of comfort was to be at home over the over the table while they're having dinner. That's the kind of place where they do talk normally. Well, that's a safe place. That's not the place to have a confrontation. So find a neutral place, someplace like going for a walk or you're driving, that neutral place. Second thing is instead of, instead of we need to talk, why not accentuate genuinely what are some of the positives about this person? What are the things that, you know, continue to attract you to this person, you like about this person? You know, so that he volunteers and he uses his background in science to help others for what he volunteers with, and he continues to exercise, you know, quite often and regularly. And those things impressed her. So why not share that with him and just start off with that so that he feels that there is caring in what she is saying around the we need to talk? So if you start with the positives, you know, this is what I think, you know, really is so impactful about you is, you know, what I like about about you is that you continue to do this and this and this and this. And then ask him a question, you know, you know, how do you know, is this still of interest to you? Are you still motivated by this? Have a real dialogue and then make it about yourself, which, but not point the finger. So the instinct is to go, you know what drives me crazy about you is that you're not really listening to me. Then we, then that becomes another turning point in the conversation. So the key here is make it about yourself. I'm not Feeling heard. And I know this is something that maybe I haven't quite expressed in the right way. So don't blame the other person. Take some of the focus away, which is shift it towards yourself, how you are feeling, and share how you are feeling and, and name it. What is it? Not the circumstance— I'm not being heard— but what is the emotion that you are feeling in that? So I'm not feeling heard, which is making me feel discouraged, unloved, uncared for. And when you make it about that, it's not about the other person. You're not putting them on the defensive. So let me wrap up the turning points here with A, being present. 2, finding a place of neutrality when you have something difficult to say, whether it be professional or personal. You know, going for a walk, going for— obviously virtually it's going to be a little bit more difficult if we are still in the virtual world. But again, if there's setting some context of creating safety when you can, in no matter what way that you are delivering this, goes a long way to that turning point. Most important is about being ready. So being ready of listening, because you never know when a turning point is going to happen. Listen for the clue. Bird, as I like to say, and the cues. What is any kind of body language that you're seeing, especially if body language is not matching the words? Someone is saying, this is really important to me, but the face is not matching it. Well, then that might be a cue that something is amiss. So that's a chance to pause and reflect on that and explore that a little bit further. So the acting techniques: be present. Don't think about the future. Don't try to write the script or read the script as to where it's going. Do think about the past before you walk into it, which is to help you be ready for that moment. It's the only reason you're thinking of the past is to be ready. Where are the emotional temperatures at that moment? Make this about yourself and try not to fall into the you trap, which is, this is you, you are doing this to me. It's how you are feeling and name the emotion. I hope this has been helpful for the turning point in the conversation. I look forward to your thoughts, and if you have questions or comments, you know where to reach me. Connect with me on LinkedIn or email me joel@joelsilverstone.com. I'm more than happy to discuss this further around turning points and see how we can help you or your organization to make those turning points No longer and make those turning points towards the positive and not towards silence or escalation. This has been TFR, This Feels Right. Thank you so much for listening to us today, and we will see you next week. Thank you so much for listening, and if this felt right and you would like to see this interview, then come on over to our YouTube page at youtube.com/thisfeelsrightpodcast or join the conversation with our Facebook group at facebook.com/thisfeelsrightpodcast. Or if you just want more influencing tips and communication skills, then please connect with me on LinkedIn, Joel Silverstone, or come on over to Silverstone Communications at www.joelsilverstone.com. I look forward to connecting with you.