"This Feels Right" Listeners Questions

You're listening to TFR, This Feels Right. Hi there and welcome to This Feels Right. I'm your host, Joel Silverstone, and for over 20 years I've been helping people in business and sometimes in life to be more influential using their communication skills. And what that means is they're able to speak to the logic and most importantly communicate and connect to the emotion. So the other person says, yeah, this feels right. So listeners, if you are looking to be able to shift behaviors, ideas, and actions of others without being manipulative, then you're in the right place. And today is a really fun show because I'm going to be answering some of the questions that have come my way. So we're gonna spend the next 15 minutes and we're gonna look at 3 main questions and they're, they're all pretty much related. So question number 1, such a juicy one, and I get this all the time, is how does one give feedback and how does one receive feedback? Question number 2 is, I've told them, the I've told them so many times and they refuse or they just simply don't change or put these ideas into action. And the third and final question I'm going to tackle today is, I have to sell in this right now, but it doesn't feel right to be selling right now in this current climate. So I'm going to unpack that a little bit more, and again, all 3 are related. So let's start with the one around giving and receiving feedback, because that is Not only is that about feedback, I mean, it's also even very closely related to talking about difficult conversations. So number one, when the idea about we know we have to give feedback or we know we're going to be receiving feedback, the first thing is to— our reaction to any event is going to be emotional. So what that means is our cortisol level is going to be 50% higher than normal. Our adrenaline kicks in. Our self-talk gets in the way. And self-talk is because our first reaction to that event is emotional. So there's a story that you're telling yourself. There is assumptions that are being made. There are judgments that are happening on both sides. So when you receive— when you arrive at that moment to give or receive feedback, understand that emotions are heightened. So let's start with the receiving feedback part first. Because if we're going to give feedback, it's really important to think about the other person's perspective, what's going on in their mind. And for our end, about receiving feedback, let's start with the intention of feedback in general. And in general, the intention of feedback is about growing the other person, giving them some ideas and suggestions to be able to, to grow. So if you have that intention in receiving the feedback, have that lens in going into it, which is this person's intentions— and they are a person, they are a human being. This is not a robot giving me feedback, not yet. This is a person giving me feedback. So there is an intention behind that, which is about my growth or making me better at whatever it is that I am doing. Now, that feedback that comes your way may not always be that astute. So our job is, number one, is— I like this expression— Q-tip, which is quit taking it personally. To get past the parts that may seem or feel that they are personal attacks and look at where is there the truth in that. And it may not hit you right there in that moment, but to be able to breathe it in, maybe challenge what may be some of those assumptions, and before you react, Think about how you want to respond. So don't react. Think about how you want to respond to that feedback. What is the truth in that? As you are receiving feedback, also to be able to share and speak up about maybe some things that don't quite feel right and give an explanation as to why this doesn't feel right when you are receiving the feedback. If you wait till you are in the— have that conversation in the hallway after the fact, you are not going to move forward. So it is important to go in and realize as person receiving feedback, you do have a voice. It's important to share that voice and in a way that is not reacting, but in a way that is responding to the feedback and where is the truth in that. Now when giving feedback, it starts with an intention versus an objective. Your objective would— might be change that person or they need to put something into action or put something into play. An intention is about that smaller step. So intention might be, number one, do I want to make this person feel bigger or do I want them to feel smaller? So already starting off with that intention. The reason I bring this up is feedback is only going to work if you create a place of safety and trust that this is in the best interest of the other person and is not a personal attack. Because if it is personal, then it's not going to get anywhere. The other thing that we want to do is we want to start off with a positive if possible, and something that is specific and concise when giving something positive, such as I— using an I message— I observed that when you did this, it had this impact. So when you can give something specific and the because— because you did this, this is what happened— And also giving a bit of an agenda, which is I do want to talk about a couple positives, And I also want to talk about something that is talking about your growth or talking about some changes that we'd like to make, and I want to have your input on that. So someone knows that where this is going to go, it makes it a lot easier for them to receive the feedback. They have an expectation of what this is going to be about. And it also helps give you permission to be able to give, and more confidence and courage to give, that formative feedback because You set it up at the beginning as an agenda. Let's go to the next question, which is, I've told this person a million times, but they refuse to change. So one thing I want to talk— bring into this play is something that's going on currently, of course, which is empathy. So number one, to recognize that there are 3 levels of empathy. So right now, with everything that is going on in our lives, We are probably at a high level of empathy, being that part of what we call compassion, which is the deepest level of empathy, which is you just want to help. It's that gut instinct of, I just want to help, without even thinking about it. The second level of empathy is somewhere in between, which is that emotional empathy, which is, I can relate. And we all fall into that right now. It's an— it's The one positive I think that's coming out of the current climate is we are all in this together, and that is that emotional empathy. We can all relate. We can all share similar challenges. They may not be the exact same, but it's, it's the same ideas and emotions of how we are feeling during these challenging times. And the base level level of empathy, and this is where we get into maybe that difficult conversation of telling this person to change, but they're not doing it, is that cognitive empathy, which is to acknowledge that that's how the person feels, but you don't necessarily share that feeling. So cognitive empathy is to acknowledge that somebody might be feeling a certain way, but you don't necessarily share that. So someone says, I can't do that. That's not who I am. That's not how I operate. And you right away come back and go, you know, I don't care, this is what you have to do. You got to take a step back and we got to earn that trust. And even though you've had this conversation a million times, every conversation you have with that person from now on is your opportunity to have a new conversation. So what I always say about difficult conversations is somebody has to be the adult in a relationship. So a new conversation means you're being the adult in the relationship. You are taking charge and you are acknowledging their emotions or their challenges or their frustrations with doing this new model. So the acknowledgement of empathy, and then the second part is what maybe is their motivation? Why should they care about this? So I'm gonna put a pause on that motivation because I'm gonna tackle that in our third question and bring, bring all this Together. So our third question, and this is a good one, I had to reach out to this person and unpack that a little bit more. And that is, I'm used to more of a face-to-face selling, and now I have to do a virtual selling. And they've given us this app which helps us connect with the customers, but this does not feel right right now to be pushing product. So I— I'm really struggling with having to reach out to clients right now to sell. Fair enough. This does not feel like the right time to be selling. So this is where you need to check in with your motivations. What motivates you? So this person, you know, thought it was about their sales numbers was what motivates them. Well, often that's not really what motivates us. We know for a fact that money doesn't really quite motivate us. It can motivate us in the short term, but not in the long term. What really motivated this person actually was the idea of connecting with their customers. They really enjoyed the part of that face-to-face with the client, and this felt really cold and distant to be using technology without actually having the face-to-face interaction. On top of that, having to say, here's product, and don't you want to start buying product right now? So there's a few different fundamental human needs. And that fundamental human need about connecting is really about what they call affection or relationship. It's the idea that there's empathy involved, that there's connecting. And this was really important to them. What they enjoyed was working that one-on-one with the client, and helping them make changes in their life by using certain aspects of the product. They talked about one of their colleagues, and their colleagues was, you know, sales was really important. They were really struggling with the technology aspect of it and didn't want to use the technology but really liked the sales. Well, that person's motivation is recognition. They want to be recognized, and it's just a bit scarier right now to be using technology. But for them, it is about recognition. As a different motivator. So let's go back to the person who really wanted to connect. Now, how is this person going to reach out to their clients if connection is really important? Well, this is not the time to be selling it if that's the case. This is a great opportunity then to rebuild relationships with this person and check in with them. Again, that those intentions, those small steps, those small pockets of success, take the time. to reach out to that person and just say, hey, how are you? I'm thinking of you. Just letting you know we have a new app. It's a way for us to keep in contact, a way to communicate. If you're ready to do some shopping, take a look. I'm here to assist you. And again, however you want to word that, I'm here to connect with you. So understanding what motivates you, what are your values, and start with that versus— How am I going to— what am I going to say? It's more important, why am I saying this? So again, this ties in so nicely with the 3 questions that came in because it boils down to our intentions. Why are we talking to this person? What do we want to see change in the relationship with that person? And looking from their point of view, Where are they coming from? Because they are also a human being. So if you are receiving feedback, that person giving you feedback, they're a human being. What I like to say is everybody likes chocolate. That's one thing we can all agree on. And in this time, one thing we can all agree on is that we are all in this together. And so that is actually a great place to start connecting in no matter what it is that you're doing, whether you are giving feedback receiving feedback, whether you're trying to get someone to change, or whether you're trying to reach out and maybe have to do— have a sales conversation. We do have this commonality and this mutual purpose that we are all in this together, and hopefully to be able to build that humanity and actually have a real conversation so this feels right. Thank you so much for listening. And again, if you have any other questions, we will do this again down the road on a future episode. And I look forward to speaking with you next week. And this has been This Feels Right. And again, I'm your host, Joel Silverstone. Thank you so much for listening. And if this felt right and you would like to see this interview, Then come on over to our YouTube page at youtube.com/thisfeelsrightpodcast or join the conversation with our Facebook group at facebook.com/thisfeelsrightpodcast. Or if you just want more influencing tips and communication skills, then please connect with me on LinkedIn, Joel Silverstone, or come on over to Silverstone Communications at www.joelsilverstone.com. I look forward to connecting with you.