Time to Play Feels Right with Jeff Harry

Welcome to This Feels Right, TFR Season 3.

Wow!

We are now being listened to in 21 countries. So, thank you very much, everybody. We continue to be the show that's about influencing others, shifting behaviors, ideas, and actions without being manipulative. And what that means is that we are effective in our communication skills and mindset on how we are able to Speak to the logic and most importantly, connect to the emotion so that both sides can say, yeah, this feels right. I'm your host, Joel Silverstone, founder of This Feels Right Effective Communication Skills Training and Coaching. And for over 20 years, I've been helping people in business and sometimes in life to be more aware of those turning point moments, to be listening for those clues and cues that they're able to now deepen those relationships. And about this podcast, if this feels right, then please leave a rating, a review, or even better, subscribe. Now let's listen to the podcast.

And hang out in my basement, and we would just play these weird nerdy games. And what's ironic is that is the work I do now, where I create safe spaces for people to be themselves.

That's Jeff Harry, our guest today on TFR. Jeff is the founder of Rediscover Your Play, and where they show individuals and companies how to tap into their true selves to feel their happiest and most fulfilled, all by playing. Uh, maybe you've played with Jeff if you worked at such companies as Google, Microsoft, NFL, Amazon, Facebook. Maybe you've seen Jeff on the international stage as a Or you've seen him as being featured in the New York Times or on CNN. Also, Jeff has been named as one of the top 100 HR influencers for 2020. Now, when I heard the word play, I knew we had to have Jeff on this show because let's face it, we've become a society where we're counting our steps. We're tracking our thoughts. We're data logging our sleep. It's enough. It's time to get creative. And this is going to feel right in our day-to-day lives and in our businesses. Hope you enjoy today's show with Jeff Harry from Rediscover Your Play. We're going to jump right into play with Jeff Harry, founder of Rediscover Your Play. Let's jump in. So I've got 2 questions for you.

2 questions.

I'm going to throw, I'm going to throw you both at the same time because it's kind of that weird play question.

Yeah.

All right, here we go. First question is, what feels right about play? And I'm gonna push that second question in there, which is, why doesn't it feel right that we want to play? So what feels right about playing and why doesn't it feel right to play?

I think what feels right about play is when you are truly your truest, most authentic self, you are in a space of play.

play.

Like, if you think of your most memorable moments in your life, a lot of them are play moments, you know? And, you know, you're not— you're fully present, you know? And I define play as any joyful act where you're fully present in the moment, where there is no purpose, there is no result. You're not thinking of— you don't have any anxiety about the future. You don't have any regrets about the past. You're just fully in the zone, right? You're fully in flow. You're fully you. And that is what feels right. And that's like a magical moment that we only have a few times in our life. So, that's part of the reason why I advocate for play so much because I'm trying to help people get back to that. As for why play doesn't feel right, that's a great question.

Yeah.

And the answer is 148,000 nos. And what I mean by that is by the time you're 18 years of age, you've been told the word no at least 148,000 times. That's according to certain studies. Right? And you may have heard the word yes maybe 8,000 to 10,000 times. So you have all of that. Then you go to school where you're shit on all the time by your teachers, by adults, by your parents. You should do this. You should major in this.

Blah, blah, blah. You know?

And then you're in school where you're told to raise your hand all the time. You're told to ask for permission. And then anytime you're trying to be yourself, you're told you're being too much, you're being too mischievous, you're being just too— why are you just being too right now, Jeff? Joel, you're just acting so silly.

Right?

And then you get to, you know, your teenage years and you're inundated with so much media and now social media that we get more information in a day than people got in 1950 in a year. So, and all of that information, all that social media is telling you you're not enough. And that, and that in order to be enough, you need to buy this product or you need to emulate this Instagram influencer, or you need to be like the next Simon Sinek or Brené Brown or Tony Robbins or Gary Vaynerchuk or whatever. But for everything you do, don't be yourself. Just don't be you, man, because that's the worst, right? So you're being communicated all of this information, right? Ken Robinson talks about schools kill creativity. It's just like You know, NASA did a study that kids when they're 3 have like a 98% genius level. By the time they're 18, they have like a 7% genius level. By the time they're adults, that's down to like 2%, 3%. NASA is angry because people are not being that creative and playful. So it's such a rebellious revolutionary act to play, to do something weird, to embrace the weird strange thing that feels right to you, right? Like—

Thank you.

Ooh, start the pod.

Ooh.

start a podcast. That's weird, but I want to do it. Ooh, let me create a video. Oh, let me reach out to this person I've always wanted to reach out to. Like, following that curiosity is so hard to do. So if you're able to do it, you should give yourself credit for it.

You hit so many notes that, like, my head is nodding, going, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. So true. Nailed it. You got it. Uh, and we're gonna talk a little bit later about the inner critic that, that That no voice where we, we've— we now have— we now own that no voice where we're like, we heard it so many times, I got it, I got it, I know how to say no.

Right.

We'll come back to that.

The—

you, as you were featured in that New York Times article, they were talking about play being, you know, silly, unproductive, uh, time-consuming, and that's the point precisely.

Yeah.

And I think you nailed it when you said that play really is— it's, it's not about a purpose, it's about being in that present moment and And there's that feeling that we get in that moment. So what's happening to our brain in that moment?

When your, your brain goes from a beta state to a flow state is you actually go through something called transient hypnofrontality. And what happens is a part of your prefrontal cortex actually starts to shut down and your inner critic starts to dissipate. And then you, and then your implicit mind appears and you become highly creative. you start seeing all these possibilities in front of you because a lot of adults get so fixated on one result.

Yeah.

And expectations are the thief of joy. But when you're in a flow state, you're open to all of these opportunities in front of you. You get this shot of dopamine and you become very curious. And you've been in this state when you travel and you're just saying yes to everything. And you're like, oh yeah, sure, I'll hop on this moped of this random stranger and they take me over to this deserted island. And all of a sudden now I'm at a party that I never thought possible. Then you meet someone that you might fall in love with. And you're doing this and you're having this adventure because you're open to saying yes to everything, right? You're just open to the possibilities in the world. And my friend Desiree taught me this, which I really felt, and, you know, it feels right as well to ask myself this question of like, how can it get any better than this?

Right.

And when you ask that from a curious place at the beginning of your day, Most people watch news to begin their day. 20% less productive when you watch news. But if you start your day, you know, positively priming your day, I happen to make a ridiculous TikTok video a lot of times to start my day because it's fun. But it sets my day in the realm of play that when I ask myself, ooh, how can I get it better than this? I just made this video. Ooh, how can I get it better than this? Ooh, I talked to this guy, you know, Joel from Toronto. Ooh, how can it get any better than this? Oh, I get to talk to my friend Louise and we brainstorm something super cool. You know, ooh, how can it get any better than this? I get to see my girlfriend later on. Ooh, how can it get any better than this? You know, I don't know. And you're just curious about it. Your day becomes totally different. The flip side of that is when we have a bad day, we actually don't have bad days. What we're having are bad moments.

Mm-hmm.

And then your thoughts last 9 seconds to 90 seconds. That's it. Most thoughts are 9 seconds to 90 seconds. But then you ruminate about that bad moment over and over again. And then you prime yourself to look for bad moments throughout the rest of your day. By simply asking the question, how can I get it any better than this? You can actually change your day and maybe your life.

Really good point about how can I, how can you get any better than this? And it's about you know, each day is a blank canvas, right? And, or even as you said, a bad moment is 9 seconds. So it's like every conversation that you're going to have or every action you're going to do moving forward is actually your opportunity to have to make it a new action or a new idea or a new behavior and not get fixated.

Exactly. And here's the thing, I'll say it again, expectations are the thief of joy, right? And that is really important because that is why 2020 has been really challenging for a lot of people. On top of COVID and all the other stuff, so many people, including myself, had visions of this perfect 2020, right? This was going to be my year. I was going to double my business. This is the year I'm going to travel all over the world. This is the year I'm going to get married. Like all the, everyone had these things and then it didn't happen. Which is fine, like, you know, and you can feel disappointed about it, but then a lot of people didn't let that go. And even in one of the workshops I do, and your listeners can do this on your— on their own, is even with only a month and 10 days left, simply writing down all the things of 2020 that could— did not happen, you know, and being like, okay, and then folding it up and putting it into a paper airplane and letting it go.

Yeah. Right.

Like, you have to do that in order to create something special with this last month and 10 days. So here's one where you can actually figure out who you are again or get reminded about who you are. So reach out to 3 to 5 of your closest friends, family, clients, whoever it is that you consider really close, and ask them these 2 questions.

Okay.

What value do I bring to your life? Because I think a lot of times we don't know the value that we actually bring to people's lives. We don't know at all. And it's amazing just to hear that back, all that love, right? So, what value do I bring to your life? And then, the second question is, when have you seen me most alive? And that stems from Howard Thurman's quote of, don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs is for more people to come alive.

Right?

And what happens when you ask, what value do I bring to your life? And what value or, you know, when have you seen me come most alive? Which also can be asked as like, when have you seen me most playful, most creative, most present?

Right?

When you ask those 2 questions and you get the answer back from 3 to 5 people, you'll be fascinated with what information is now right in front of you. The way in which I even— came up with the name of my company was this way, like Rediscover. People would be like, ooh, you helped me tap into like my inner child, or ooh, you helped me like play more, ooh, you helped me like rediscover something that I forgot about. And it's just like, rediscover your play. And they were like, yes, that's it. And what was interesting is when someone said that to me, rediscover your play, I literally did say, that feels right. You know, like that is exactly—

Soundbites.

So, you know that when you get all of that info from your friends, you'll know like, oh my gosh, I do do that when I'm fully present. I do do that. That is the way I play. I should do more of that.

What's sticking with me so far is we fixate on that 9 to 90 seconds of the things that went wrong, um, and even maybe even in our relationships, and that affects how we're going to maybe communicate with them in a different way, is to actually say, well, hang on, maybe I'm always fixating on what's not going right here, uh, but what about if I was asking these 2 questions? What value do I bring to your life? And when have you seen me most come alive or be most present, be most imaginative? And it's changing your perspective, changing your perception, shifting your mindset about really focusing on more positive things that we tend to not focus on.

I think so. And the other thing that I think is crucial, and I wanted to just pull this up, is looking at the regrets of the dying, right? Like when you think of this feels right, what I really hear when I hear this feels right is this feels right to me. And one of the biggest regrets of the dying is, I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. And I think so much of why we don't feel right a lot of times, right, right, is because we are trying to impress somebody else.

Yeah.

You know, and it's— and the question I always ask people is like, who are you trying to impress right now? Because if you, if you won't care about their opinion in a year, then who cares for them? Frankly, you shouldn't be trying to impress anybody because anyone that loves you will not need to be impressed. And Viola Davis says this all the time. She's like, you know, with every choice we make, you either claim who you are or you end up chasing your worth for the rest of your life. And there's so many of us that are chasing our worth. And this kind of like ties in with a term I coined called affluent deadness.

Mm-hmm.

You know? And I talk a lot about this because you know, I know people that are super successful. I know a lot of people that are super rich, like millionaires. I know people that are famous, not that happy. Just not that happy.

Right.

And happiness studies have shown whether you're making $75,000 a year or $1 million a year, same levels of happiness. And you see, you know, people in these upper echelons posting on Instagram all the amazing things they're doing. I've talked to them and been like, why are you posting? And they're like, You know, because I just want validation. But they're not that happy. So they're selling this lie that they are happy. And then we're believing that lie and trying to get up there when frankly, they suffer from affluent deadness, which is they are either worried about losing their stuff or they're comparing themselves to someone else like, oh, I have a net worth of $5 million, but this person has a net worth of $10 million. Or they're just really bored. You know?

It's never enough.

And then they're claiming this is great. So, we have to be, again, aware of how can I find fulfillment and joy and play now? Because you're not going to feel it when you get up there. It's the same empty shell that you might be feeling right now. And the practices to figure out what do I want? How do I want to show up in the world? How do I want to feel most alive? Because when you feel most alive, You feel most fulfilled in your life.

Absolutely. Well, then, you know, speaking about all this validation, I think comes with the idea of work hard, play hard, right? So as a, uh, you know, and you, you have a quote where you say, we're going for a bike ride and the bike ride becomes about, I'm gonna lose 5 pounds in the bike ride versus that bike ride for fun. Because, you know, as a kid, and I can relate to that, as a kid, I loved going for a bike ride. It wasn't about doing, you know, I had to get 20 kilometers in. It was about It was about fun. So I think this ties into our expectations of ourselves that we can't let go.

Right, and the analogy I give is like, okay, imagine if someone traveled to Paris and they were like, you know, okay, I'm gonna rush and see this, I'm gonna rush and see that, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna rush and do that, and then I'm just gonna get this over as quickly as possible. It's like, no, dude, you enjoy the process. You enjoy the ride. You like, you go through the roller coaster that is life. I think what's so fascinating to me about adults is we plan out so much, partly because we're scared, right? But we plan it out in such a linear way. Like, if I do A, then I get to B, then I get to C.

Right. Yeah.

How's your life? None of it has been linear. If you look back at it now, the way in which you got to where you're at, you could have never planned that. So why are we planning stuff in such a linear way? Why are we setting ourselves up for disappointment that way instead of just being able to adapt And be more organic.

I have 2 more questions. The next question is this, is we were talking before about that no. Oh yeah, let's, let's, let's take maybe just 2 or 3 minutes here and talk about the inner critic, and then I have our, our final question for you.

Yeah, so let's actually just run through it. Like, let's break down the exercise. So anytime you're feeling crappy about yourself, your inner critic has been hanging out for a while, right? It's been insulting you. And so, so it's— I learned this from my friend Marsha Shandor about naming the inner critic is such a powerful exercise. So I just play, you know, I made a play experiment with it. So here's what you can do at your home anytime, anytime you're feeling bad, right? That inner critic is there. So start writing down exactly what it's saying to you. So get quiet and write it down. So it might be being like, you're an imposter. You're always going to be broke. You're always going to be alone. You're never going to accomplish anything. Just write down all of the things.

Hang on, Jeff. Are you reading my list?

Right? Like all the things, right? Because what's funny when I run this workshop with people, what you just said is everyone has very similar ones, right? Yeah. So you're writing these all down, right? And then as you're writing them down, start to think, who is saying this? What does this person look like? What does this person sound like? Is it the bully you dealt with in high school? Is it some people from 3rd grade? Is it that teacher that you had that triggered you? Is it your parents or maybe your, you know, your aunt or uncle or grandma? Like, what is— who is this person, right? Who's this character? And then finally identifying what they sound like, what they look like, and writing it down. Finally, name your inner critic. So I named mine Gargamel, you know. So whenever Gargamel shows up, Gargamel's job is to just suck all the fun out of everything. So Gargamel shows up and he's just like, you're a loser. You're always going to be alone. You're not going to have any money, blah, blah, blah. You know? And now whenever Gargamel shows up, I'm like, oh, I can actually acknowledge Gargamel. And I'm like, wait a minute. Am I a loser? No, I don't think so. Wait. Am I going to be broke? Actually, my bank account says differently, Gargamel. You know? Am I not going to, am I going to be alone? Well, actually, I'm with someone that loves me and I'm surrounded by people that love me. So you just start to respond to it and be— and not from like an angry way, but being like, hey, I hear you. You know, it's the 13-year-old me that's trying to protect me. It's okay. You know, and you would—

So Jeff, so Jeff, let me ask you about that then, because the gargamel now, let's say, let's say you say you're going to be broke, you're going to be alone. And let's just say you are broke and you are alone. And it's like fulfilling these prophecies. So is there another way that we could talk to that, that inner critic?

Well, the other thing is it's all about just paying attention to them, right? You don't actually have to as much respond as much as just be aware and practice the muscle of being aware that they're there. So another thing I do with Gargamel is I'll actually sometimes text my best friend Dana and be like, Gargamel's here, and I'll write what it's saying. And anytime you write it down or let someone else know about it, yes, that's when the inner critic starts to quiet.

Great. So it's asking for help in a sense.

It's just asking for attention. It's just warning you to be like, be careful. And you're like, I know, I know. I'm being careful. Thank you. Appreciate it. And also, you're not driving the car right now. You're going to sit in the backseat. But then the second thing you can do, which is also really awesome, to answer your question, is then you can look at the list of the things that are on there and you can start to flip them. So I'm going to be broke. No, actually, I'm going to be, you know, I'm going to live in a life of abundance. Oh, I am going to be alone. Actually, no, I'm surrounded by, or I wish be surrounded by people that love me. And when you flip all these and you start to say those to yourself more, that is when actually not only are you then quieting your inner critic, but you're giving power to your, like, inner child, your inner superhero, your inner cheerleader, that, that voice that feels right, right?

Yeah, yeah.

That's like, you got this, you can do this, you know, believe in yourself. Like, that quiet voice starts to get more power. And then all of a sudden you're able to practice being more you because then you're not listening to all the nos of the past because that's old you and you're done with listening to old you.

I think this goes back again to that point you said about that. Again, keep going back to that 9 seconds or 90 seconds, which is that inner critic. And we let that control our whole day.

Yeah.

You say, hang on, I'm going to take control of it is what you're saying.

Yeah.

I'm going to write it down and I'm going to think, is there some ways that I can put a positive shift on this? Is there a way I can ask for help? Is there a way I can look at this from a different point of view, from a different perspective? Am I really alone? Is there maybe, you know, is there one person that cares for me? Is it whatever that might be, start looking at the positive shift that it can do. But it's about bringing awareness to that moment and not letting Gargamel be in the driver's seat for the rest of the drive.

Exactly.

Exactly. All right. Here's our final question, Jeff. We're going to talk about the feel-right moment. And it's a moment maybe that didn't quite feel right. And maybe it was something that you got feedback or you got suggestion and it didn't quite feel right at the time, but then it was a turning point. You realized, oh no, wait. this is, this is what I'm going to do. This is, I'm going to implement that and see what happens. Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Um, so I think the, the story that comes up is when I was 13 years old, right? And I don't know if you remember 13 years old, but junior high was a rough time, right? That's when we all felt like we needed to belong. And I remember trying to constantly be cool, right? And I was trying to get into like this VIP pool party, and I remember, um, actually going to this party because it was like, you know, exclusive and, and only the cool kids could go. And, you know, and I had to kiss up to all these people in order to get in. And I remember when I arrived to the party, um, you know, I had to pretend that I was a certain race in order to get in. And I remember having to compromise who I was in order to be allowed, to be accepted.

Mm.

And simply walking through that threshold, I felt like I just abandoned myself out there. And I remember being in the pool and no one was playing, you know, and I was so itching to get into this party only to find out that it was overrated, wasn't really that great. And I had never felt so alone in my life. So I went into my basement after that and made a pact to myself that I would never compromise who I was. And I would instead just embrace my nerdy, playful self. And I just started creating games in my basement. And my friends find out, and the ones that didn't want to be cool, the ones that didn't want to be professional, as we talk about now, would come and hang out in my basement and we would just play these weird nerdy games. And what's ironic is that is the work I do now where I create safe spaces for people to be themselves.

Brilliant. I love that, Jeff, because that, that really sums up your Rediscover Your Play. That really sums up Rediscover Your Play, which is we've allowed the nos to take over our lives. We've allowed these expectations that we've put on ourselves that we've seen through social media or looking at others to rule the way we, we do it. And you had this realization at 13 that no, uh, this is not— it's not worth it to be the cool kid, to, to be, you know, uh, uh, untrue to who I am as a person, to, uh, to my beliefs, to my values, to pretend that I'm another race, to be— to just to try to fit in. This is, this is not happiness. This is not— as you said, play is being fully present.

Right.

And when you were fully present was you created a safe space, which is what you now do with organization. Go, it's okay to play because the reward is it's going to trigger the dopamine, which is this feels good, this feels right. And that creates that creativity.

Exactly.

Lovely, lovely. Jeff, thank you so much for being a guest. It's Jeff Harry on Rediscover Your Play. So Jeff, I know you've got a lot of different handles. So Let's take a couple minutes here and maybe share with us where can we find out more about, uh, Jeff Harry and Rediscover Your Play.

Yeah, the easiest way is simply come to my website rediscoveryourplay.com, click on the Let's Play button where I have all these play experiments you can do, and there's another button there where you can click on it and we can have a conversation where we can help— I can help you tap back into your inner child. So you can actually kick ass in this world and make the impact you actually want to do.

Love it. Thank you so much. This has been TFR, This Feels Right, and we will see you next week. And scene. Thank you for listening to today's podcast. What questions, comments, or thoughts you may have, then connect with me, Joel Silverstone, on LinkedIn or come on over to thisfeelsright.ca. And again, if this show felt right, then please leave a rating, review, or subscribe. We'll see you next week.