🧑‍🏫 Harnessing Internal Family Systems for Inner Work w/ Ian Stratton Replay

Okay, well, welcome everyone. It's a pleasure to see all your faces. Thank you. For those of you who are joining us quite late at night, Yiannis, I see it's pretty dark where you are right now. People are still joining. Well, I want to welcome my good friend Ian. Ian, it's great to have you with us today.

Thanks John. Ian, thanks for having me here today.

So Ian and I, we connected through, we both did the same breathwork training FBR based in Bali and we also both live in Santa Cruz. And I've been so impressed at Ian's kind of like he kind of combines a lot of somatic approaches and modalities in really interesting ways. So he's trained in a comey, internal family systems, breathwork and a bunch of other things as well. And I've just been, just been really impressed with Ian's approach and we both share a kind of passion for empowering other people with a kind of toolkit of inner work practices that they can use for themselves. So maybe with that I will put you on the spotlight, Ian, and let you take it from here.

Thank you. Thanks so much, Tommy. I and thank you for your invitation to write out delightful things because that was just such a sweet way to start to get to know this group. And when I'm around a bunch of strangers, especially when I'm speaking and spotlighted, it always feels good for me to start to get to know people a little bit, especially when we're on zoom like this. So thank you so much and hey everybody, I'm Ian. Like Johnny said, I focus on kind of blending a different set of tools to do to do my coaching and my guide work. I use breath work mostly FBR that Johnny and I both trained in and internal family systems Hakomi, which is a little less known, but it's a very body based somatic psychotherapy. And then I use a lot of psychedelics and I use coaching with people and I'm usually trying to help people build a type of inner resilience and ease. And I feel like once we're doing that then the outer stuff and different types of successes that we want to create become a lot more useful and also we get to enjoy it a lot more when we have that inner sense of harmony. So today we're going to be focusing mostly on internal family systems and I'll offer some ways that like really gentle breathing can help support this parts work process and it'll be a bit of a, it's going to be a didactic sandwich on experiential bread. So we'll start out with a really simple practice where even if. Even if you don't know anything about internal family systems or you don't know anything about parts work, and even if I do like a really bad job explaining those things, you could still take this one practice that we'll start with and bring it home. And it has a great way of helping connect through to parts work without actually having to know what it is in any way, shape, or form. Hopefully in the middle, I will do a decent job of giving a sense of what parts are and how we can use them to be able to map out our internal state and then use tools to navigate it, to create nervous system mastery and to be able to regulate ourselves and really to be able to enjoy life in a way that can. Can become. So I'll use some scary words here, you know, so. So intimate and so tender and so vulnerable in a way that's actually like a backstop of. Of resilience and strength. So. And then the second practice that we'll do at the end will be a bit more involved and. And hopefully through the things I describe in the middle, the. The practice will give you some more tools and understanding of why it's working, if it's working, which hopefully. Hopefully. Well, anything before we jump in, any questions, anything burning for anyone or anything you want to say, Johnny, before I start to take us into some experiential stuff.

Yeah, I'll. Maybe it might be helpful to ground people a little bit in what the hell is partswork? Because I think it's probably. Maybe half the people here have come across it and maybe half are somewhat new to it. So maybe we just start with what is parts work? How do you describe it? And what specifically has it unlocked for you in your own life and in the clients that you've worked with?

Okay. Yeah, you can see Johnny likes his didactic sandwiches with a little didactic topping on top of.

So I guess a little sprinkle.

Yeah.

Yeah. So I mean, parts work, there are a lot of different modalities. I tend to use umbrella terms as much as possible or just really simple things, especially to acknowledge that there's a lot of different modalities that work with parts. The one that I'm by far the most steeped in is internal family systems. So when I say parts work, generally going to be talking about internal family systems as far as the math that I use. And parts are their aspects or patterns within us. They're subpersonalities. And the general idea is that we're beings of multiplicity. So, you know, kind of coming out of. Coming out of our societal context, we're oftentimes just sort of led to believe we're like this one, you know, person that gets dragged in different directions. And there's something that's really helpful about, about broadening out and considering that maybe we're actually all of these parts like a mosaic. And at different times we get pulled into different roles and different patterns and, and sometimes we do that really intentionally and oftentimes, probably more often it's happening subconsciously, which can be adaptive and oftentimes is. And sometimes it's also really maladaptive. So a lot of the purpose of being able to understand or see ourselves as this mosaic and then map ourselves out that way is that it allows us to be more intentional about when we are utilizing a part of ourselves as a tool or as a superpower rather than kind of getting like dragged into these different roles without understanding why it's happening. Especially when so many of these roles and these patterns, especially more protective ones, are these kind of leftover relics from, from times when we were, we were less, you know, less, less skilled, less resourced, you know, from a lot of times in childhood when, when we were unable to. To protect ourselves. And so we had these patterns, things that came up to be able to do it. So, so that's a really, really high level, broad sense of, of parts and what we're going to explore today. How's that for topping Johnny?

I feel satisfied. I feel satiated.

Okay, so. So with that, I'm going to have us jump into a little bit. It's going to be almost kind of like a breath work meditation. And the idea is, is as far as breathing goes, is mostly that you want to be. Be breathing fairly deep and you want to do that in a way where you're staying pretty relaxed. So some of you have probably experienced a more, you know, like a stronger upregulating breath where you're almost hyperventilating for a purpose of like, journeying or deepening into yourself.

Looks like we lost in.

No sandwich for today.

No sandwich for today. Just leaving us hanging.

All the parts of him are gone.

All of Ian's parts of a tend.

Okay, I'm back. I have no idea what happened. Just you all disappeared and now you're back again. Okay, so, so the two, two main points of this breath work are really simple. One is you're just going to be breathing deeper and you can start to do that now. And then you're going to do it in a way where you're staying pretty relaxed. So for. You can interpret that how, how you want to. You can stay sitting up, you're welcome to lie down. And for some people, that's going to be breathing through the nose. For some, they'll feel more ease breathing through the mouth or even alternating. There's no real specific way to do it as long as you're following those two cues of bringing in more air than usual and then doing it in a way where you're able to soften and relax with each breath as much as you can. And Johnny's going to play a little bit of music for us and you can just start this now. So start interpreting this really simple breath meditation by starting to breathe more deeply. And do it in a way that's relaxed. And a really nice way to relax into this while you're starting is just some gentle sighs, some like letting go sighs on the exhale. And we're going to do this for about 10 minutes. And you're just going to stay with that practice. And then I'll keep adding in some different cues that help you deepen into it. And as you start to get into this rhythm that you're building in yourself, as you start to notice anything, and this could be a sensation, and this could be a thought, it could be something that feels pleasant, or it could be something that feels distracting. And wherever it is in those spectrums as you're breathing in, and I'm going to get a little bit hippie here with this, a little bit esoteric. As you're breathing in, breathe into whatever you're aware of. So whether it's a thought or a sensation, could be an emotion, you might even identify it as a part of yourself. And. And you want to just breathe into whatever you're aware. And as you start to do this, and as you start to breathe into whatever you're aware of, see if you can use that breath. Almost like you're laying out a welcome mat for this sensation thought. And of course, this will be easier if the thing that you're noticing seems pleasant and if the thing that you're noticing seems less pleasant, like maybe, you know, an intrusive thought or irritation, resistance, tenderness. And see if you're still able to. To genuinely welcome that experience closer in by breathing into it. And throughout this process, I'll leave some pretty long pauses so that you can just deepen into your own process with this.

It.

And whatever happens, you just keep recommitting to breathing deeply and with each deep breath, just keep sending it to whatever you're aware of, seeing if you can welcome that object of your awareness closer it. And then as you keep doing this, see if you can explore the sensation of welcoming something. You might even take a moment and imagine something you really want to welcome, like a good friend or some experience that you enjoy. And see if you can tune into the emotional quality of welcoming something really, really deeply in a really meaningful. And with each breath, you can begin to breathe into whatever that energetic quality of welcoming is for you. Maybe it's warmth. Could be appreciation or curiosity or tingling. And as you tune into that for yourself, begin to again breathe into and welcome whatever is present for you, whatever you're aware of, no thought, a sensation part. And as you do that, see how much you can immerse into. Into the. The depth of that quality of welcoming. You know, can it almost feel a little bit intimate or vulnerable or tender to welcome something? And we'll just do this for one more minute and I'll be. I'll be quiet for that time. And as we do, just see if there's anything else for you to harvest from this place, anything that feels meaningful for you. It. And we'll start to soften that practice. And just gently and slowly can open your eyes if they were closed.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, honey. Has that mic on. And before you just look right at the screen, you might even take a moment and just look at anything but the screen window or something around and bringing your consciousness back gently. And let's put in the chat anybody who has anything that feels a little meaningful or something that was interesting about it. I'll read some of these out, too. Someone said, wow, this was intense. My body was twitching and shaking for release and felt so warm. See, some palms in my hands are tingling. I felt very peaceful and calm. I wanted to cry at some point. I couldn't, though. Johnny, will you read a few of these off so I can get off the spotlight for a minute, let my spotlight batteries recharge?

Yeah, sure. I mean, we could also invite a few people up to share if. People.

Yeah, I'll let you lead that since I'm sure you have a way with the room to make sure that it doesn't become cacophonous.

Yeah.

Well, does anyone want to raise their virtual hand if they have something to. Something to share from that experience? Yanis? Yes.

Yeah, hello.

So I'm dealing with an issue that's causing me a lot of rage that I don't acknowledge, and I make it bad. And so in that process, I was able to actually, by welcoming it, create more space so that doesn't overwhelm me and still, still be present and notice it, like not invalidate it, not make it wrong, just. Yes, there's a lot of rage there. I can be with you.

Welcome. Beautiful.

Thank you, Yanis. Thank you. There's one of the comments. The idea of welcoming what is present rather than just observing felt really good. Very helpful and peaceful. Yeah, I think that's, that's a really. That's a really beautiful piece. There's a difference between like mutually observing versus like welcoming that I think is really good to experience. Tony.

Hey there. Hi.

Yeah, that was a calming, ish exercise for me. I felt like I was sort of coming face to face with this, this reflection of myself, who I would identify as a trickster.

Right.

Who's like the opposite of how I'm feeling right now. Someone that I associate with like the elements of earth and fire, whereas I see myself more in like the air and water side on a, on a day like today. The welcoming piece was interesting because I could feel like that different element sense kind of at odds with one another a little bit.

So it was.

Yeah, it was different than what I was expecting as we were first getting into the deep breathing. Yeah. And at one point I wanted to cry a little bit too, but yeah, it didn't like surface fully. So, yeah, that's what I've got.

Beautiful.

Thank you, Tony. Anyone else who maybe found it difficult to welcome a sense of, to foster a sense of welcoming? Robert?

Yes.

It wasn't, I mean, so I welcomed what I call my sort of achiever, which is the part of me that always wants to perform, which is double edged, as in it makes me perform really well, but it also puts a lot of pressure on me and I think that comes from childhood of, you know, busy parents and sort of getting the attention through, achieving. And so I found it quite. I was comfortable welcoming that part which, you know, has its, its benefits as well. Apart from that, I didn't feel a lot was happening. And that sort of automatically triggered the achiever to say, you know, why isn't this happening? Shouldn't this be more profound? So part struggle, part ease.

Yeah. Beautiful. Great, great awareness. Thank you. Maybe, maybe one more. These feel really rich. Anyone else open to share? Guy?

Yeah, I at some point stopped hearing the commentary and was like, oh, okay, maybe Ian's dropped off again. And I was just like, had my eyes closed still. And I was like feeling this sense of impatience and Frustration, and I was trying to welcome that and breathe into that. Then I realized that it was me who had dropped off. And then when I got back on, it was like there was this sense of, again, kind of frustration that this was happening and I'd missed something. So then I was breathing into that. But, yeah, I think because it was kind of chopped up, it felt a little bit difficult to just relax into and accept what was coming up for me. Yeah.

When things got a little bit choppy like that, it sounds like you were doing a really good job of continuing to try and welcome it, try and breathe into it. Um. Did you feel like you even had, like, marginal success with that? Like, as you. As you kept recommitting to it? It's okay if the answer is no as well. I'm just. I'm. I'm curious.

Yeah. Yeah. I was just thinking about it. Yeah. I think it was like a. It was like a continued trying.

And.

There was like, a. A little bit of success. But then, like, this thought, like, but what's actually happening? And shall I open my eyes now? So, yeah, this is like a little bit of success and then a little bit going backwards again.

Yeah. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Is there any women or women identifying people who would be open to sharing just because we all. I only heard from a few men, but you want to balance the scales a little bit.

Wow.

I guess for me, usually when I find myself going introspectively, I start getting the itchies. I just start itching all over. It never happens unless I'm being more introspective, and it becomes very frustrating. So I feel when I try to do the come here, dear friend kind of welcoming gesture, it. It eases a bit, and then it comes back and eases a bit. You could feel the resistance. But eventually, like, going through the entire thing, in the end, I didn't even notice that it went away, and my mind just became empty. I was like, huh. Okay. So it. It was like a. A process of going. Taking two steps forward, going backwards, going forwards, and then kind of forgetting that it happened in the first place. So that was. That was good.

So good. Thank you. I'm seeing a lot of hearts from that share. Tend to have one. Leslie.

I really also loved the welcoming part of it. It just felt so warm when all of a sudden I just shifted into this welcoming space of everything was welcome. And then there was one kind of, like, little nerve pain that I get that came up, and I was trying to move it and do all these kinds of things. On it and I just felt like, like kind of this part of me that doesn't welcome, like doesn't welcome that come in. And it was kind of funny because then, then I just got really meta with it and was like, well, can I welcome this too? This part that's not welcoming, you know. And so that was. It felt kind of good to just widen in that way.

Thank you. I think you may have actually just named this practice. This practice could do really well to be named. Can I welcome this too? And that's a really good segue. Honestly. The last few shares are all really good segues into really talking about this practice and how it works. And I'm not really going to go into like a step by step description of internal family systems. You know, there's really great books out there. There's a really short one called Introduction to Internal Family Systems. It's like five chapters and it does a great job of doing that. But I'm just going to try and highlight a couple things that really paint the main dynamics that prevent us from getting into what ifs would call a self to part relationship. Um, so that you can leave like optimally. I really just want to give you two tools when you, when you leave here that you can use pretty effectively as you move forward to be able to regulate your nervous system. And, and I mean eventually, you know, this practice, it's, it's really not just a, just a therapeutic practice that you do with a guide or with a therapist, but it's something that can very much become a life practice. And after trying out a lot of different life practices, I would say that this one and breath work, and that's why I blend them together have been by far the most impactful for just day to day regulation. Understanding myself and understanding how I can be more compassionate with myself, not as a cliche but, but as a tool like understanding like. No, like these are the actual pathways and things that I can do to be more compassionate with myself as I move through life, which just makes everything so much more easeful. So one thing I'm talking about self and I'm talking about parts. So one thing I want to do is just frame that a little bit. And for me, you know, we've all heard the term ego and I feel like there's really two definitions of the ego that work for me and one is basically our personality. So this is our outward facing, you know, this is what others interact with and then this also includes how we interact with our, with ourselves and it's, it's the way that we do things, it's the way that we feel things. And it's very much connected to our, I'll say, like more human experience day to day. And then there's this sense of ego that's more like the seat of consciousness. And that's, that's what I would describe as the self. So this other, you know, kind of our personality, that one's going to be our parts that we're learning how to navigate today. And then the seed of consciousness, no matter what your religious beliefs are, they all kind of generally define these things in this way to some degree. And in the seed of consciousness, the self. For me, that's not, that's not really a place that we like do things from when we're doing something. To me, that's coming from a part, a part of ourselves and the self or this kind of seat of consciousness. The way that I see it is kind of like if our being was a house, all of our parts and our patents and the aspects of ourselves would be like the appliances and then the things that do stuff and create experiences. And then the self is, it's really like the utilities. It's like the electricity and the water and the gas and the things that. It really powers our appliances so that they work really functionally. And I'm sure that, you know, we felt different versions of this where there might be a time when we're, you know, in a doing state in some way and we feel like under resourced and sort of disconnected from that. What feels kind of like a natural flow or connection to the core of ourselves. And it's, it's, it's a struggle and it's a struggle to, you know, we can, we can keep kind of pushing through. It takes a lot of willpower and grit. It's this, this kind of grinding energy. And then there are times where we feel really connected to that, that, that source of energy. And when that happens, all of a sudden things feel more easeful. And all of a sudden there seems to be a lot less like push and pull inside of our system. So that's something that is helpful to define and to understand. And in the practice that we were just doing, what I was trying to do is to create something really simple where you all could experience the difference of those two things to some degree. So when you would notice parts of yourselves coming up that are going to show up again as these thoughts or sensations, emotions, aspects, patterns. And it felt, I'm sure, a variety of ways for different people, but it Certainly can feel somewhat chaotic and it can feel gritty and intense and almost like there's a little wrestling match going on inside. And then as we bring in, as we bring in breath, I would say breath is like a really good like self supporter when, when used really well, especially when we can bring in more breath which, which brings more, you know, more energy. However you define that, you know, prana chi energy into our bodies and, and, or maybe you know, define it as catecholamines, adrenaline and dopamine. And it's really this, it like brings in more self and when that happens, it just makes all this work. It's almost like a, I call it like a parts work, like lubricant or something. You know, if we have a machine of all these parts, then the breath work really helps bring in that, that thing to make everything move a lot smoother when used. Well, you know, obviously we can use breath in a maladaptive way too. And then it goes the opposite direction. So what I was hoping to do and what it sounds like a lot of you got some, some sense of was a sense of okay, these different parts aspects, you know, using this breath to bring in some energy and also soften it, relax and then within that find this welcoming energy and then deepening into that. And that feeling of that energy is really the key and kind of a hard thing sometimes especially for our Western minds to access. And the reason for that is because. And it's vulnerable. And you know, I'm going to really oversimplify this, but essentially we have a lot of parts that feel very vulnerable. They're generally very young and they're tender and they kind of want to express. But at some point in our lives, and oftentimes at many points in our lives, we realize that it wasn't very safe to, to express that way. And so we built up these patterns and these strategies and those parts we'll call protectors generally. And their job is to make it so that we don't feel that unsafe vulnerability. And this invulnerability can show up in a ton of ways. You know, it can show up as, you know, some are more adaptive seeming for our, for our society than others. You know, for some of us it might be, you know, overworking or perfectionism or you know, organizing and you know, at other times it might feel like depression or anxiety and then sometimes it can be really intense like addictions and self harming behaviors and things like that. And all of these things, dissociation, all of these things are, they're Just trying to prevent us from feeling that really unsafe vulnerability. And so a lot of what I'll offer today is, in as safe a way as possible, getting in touch with that feeling of vulnerability and realizing that when we do that in a safe way, we start to build a lot of trust throughout this system, throughout this mosaic of ourselves. And it also becomes like this, like, snowball rolling down a hill. So as we pick up this ball and we feed into it, where this ball is filled with us having moments of vulnerability where we're connecting with ourselves, and then it also feels safe, then we gain more trust throughout the system, and then we have more vulnerable moments that also feel safe. And we can build a ton of resilience and also, like, a capability to really experience beauty and intimacy in a way that oftentimes is challenging to reach. So pause there. Does anybody have any questions about that before I move on? Or anything that you'd like to add?

Johnny.

Yannis.

I mean, so an experience came to mind that I couldn't put words in. And it's relevant to what you said about the self being the source of power. So it was a night out, and I was intentionally exposing myself to talking to people and getting over my comfort zone and stuff. And I was noticing that I had frozen. And so I did the practice of opening a file on my phone and actually naming the different parts that I could identify that were active. Like, there's a part of me that's scared. There's a part of me that wants to postpone. There's another part of me that wants to flee. Then there's another part of me that want to fight. And so after doing it for one or two minutes, I felt an immense surge of energy, like, flowing through my body. And there I was when I was contracted and I wanted to quit. I just kept going and going and going. And it's something I haven't experienced before. And it's directly related to what I was doing, like naming the parts and then getting this surge of energy. So I'm wondering if that's relevant. I was wondering how I can access that again and what did I do and how did it work?

Actually, yeah, great question and great share, too. And so cool that you just intuited how to work with that. And that's really the first step. I mean, the first step is just noticing, right? So first you notice that there is some dysregulation in your system, and you paused and then you went through a process of identifying and separating out, like, what are these different. You Know, how am I feeling? Dysregulated, and why. And you notice that it was showing up in these different aspects or parts, and then you took a little time to name each one of those. And this is a great way, you know, at any point, if. Even if we can't access that sort of, like, tender vulnerability like we created in a safe space here, just by noticing and then identifying and paying attention to these parts, what you're doing is you're creating a sense of separation. So, you know, if we imagine we're this mosaic, right? You know, so. And then, you know, you're just totally zoomed in to one aspect. You know, all I am right now is anxiety, you know, and then all of a sudden, you know, say I'm feeling really anxious, and then somebody, like, you know, brings something in that's even more intense or. Or triggers something else in me. Then, like, all of a sudden, maybe I'm like, now I'm zoomed into rage, you know, So I transferred over to another mosaic, and I'm just so close to it all, and. And it feels so intense because this is all that I am, you know, and. And that can flip through rapidly for some people. Maybe that gets too intense. And then I shut down, right? And now I'm just gone, you know, maybe I'm dissociated. And so. And so, Johnny, I'm just seeing that, like, I think a question popped up on the chat, and I just ease my mind that I don't need to track it. Will you do that?

Yeah, totally.

Cool. And so by. By doing what you did and then naming each of those parts, what you're doing is you're. Each time you name a part, you know, it's like, first, okay, I'm noticing anxiety. You know, that's what's. I'm. I'm just using my own words because I didn't track all the ones that you said. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, oh. And I'm also, you know, I'm noticing some frustration now. I'm zoomed out to two. Two parts at least, you know, and then, you know, you keep on naming them, and you're zooming further and further out, and you're sitting back in your. In your seat, and it's inviting in this ability to bring separation and a sense of wholeness to your experience. And it's a really good inlet into finding that core self energy. And you notice that as you did it, all of a sudden there's this big rush of energy, and you were able to move through your process in a really effective way.

Okay. That reflection made total sense. And I'm wondering that is that reproducible that I can reach a moment that when I find myself, like overwhelmed and stuff, just by following the same process, can I access, like repeatedly the same core self energy?

It's definitely a good tool. It's a good tool. And it, and it, you know, you have good. You have one data point, right, that it worked really good for you that time. It's hard to say what all the factors were. And, you know, I don't think you would ever want to promise yourself that you could reproduce it every time with that because, you know, sometimes triggers can be really intense or, you know, so it's good to just keep on building tools and having options. You know, I'm going to lead you all through another kind of thing that we did earlier that's a little bit more involved and so that'll be another tool. But, you know, you might be in a space sometime where you can't close your eyes and do breath work. And so, you know, but maybe it is okay for you to pull out a pen and a pad and maybe you're at a business meeting or something, you know, and it is okay to pull out a pen and a pad and start writing down parts. So you just want to have different, you know, as many tools as possible. And also, you know, as you get a clearer understanding of what's happening, then these tools can start to blend and overlap and you can use them more powerfully in different settings. Thank you very much. Thanks, Janice.

Ian, just checking time. Do we have time for one more question or do you want to go into the next exercise?

We can do one more question. Okay.

Heather. And also the question in the chat from J. Manouch, sorry about the name there. Are you open to sharing that with Ian? I think it's a really good one about basically what happens to the defensive parts as things change. And specifically if the defensive parts are so dominant and so defensive to any disruption that there's a resistance to anything involved. I think there's a few people that kind of mention that. John? Yeah. Sorry, do you want to. I'll spotlight you.

Thank you.

I mean, do you want to add any more context to that?

I mean.

Well, so for some context is that I've. I've. I've tried to do sitting meditation for almost all of my life and I. And I. I just can't really make it work.

Right.

My mind, when I sit down sitting meditation, and I haven't even realized this recently. My mind kind of thinks, great battle is on. And I'm like, trying to wrestle my mind. My mind is trying to wrestle itself down to the ground. And I'm like, this is just exhausting. So I get up from meditation going, well, that was exciting, rather than something else. And so anything that involves, like, internal.

Investigation.

Feels like an opportunity for my mind to attack itself. And so the guided meditation was good. And I was on a guided meditation recently, and I felt something similar, which, oh, this is a much more effective way to engage internally.

And.

And so sort of without a guide, sort of a guide going, that's this and that's that. Without which my mind is going, I'm in control here. Everyone can get back or everyone. Everyone can be defined. As I see it, I'm not quite sure how to kind of like, invite the parts of my mind into, like, a graceful process because it feels very comfortable internally. And I just know from observing my own mind over a lot of time that it doesn't want to play. And anything that involves saying, hey, are you the vulnerable bit? My mind will say, no, not me. No, no, someone else. The other bit, you know, I'm fine. And so sort of like unlocking that, like. Like just kind of fractal of self defense is the challenge, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. And that is one of the, you know, one of the nice things about, you know, what Leslie named, you know, can I welcome this to. Is that. Is that a lot. It's really like, it's a bit of a civil war inside of us because. Because. And it gets really intense, you know, and I could feel it when, you know, when you're sharing, like, you know, that experience gets really exhausting. And we have all these parts that are, you know, wrestling with each other and, you know, you feel there's this part of you that really wants to, you know, feel softness and the peace and the ease of a meditation that comes through guided sometimes. And then these other ones that are just like, hell, no, you know, we're not. We don't. We don't want to be vulnerable right now. And that's one of the. That's something nice about that process of seeing, like, if I can zoom out further and welcome it all. And so, you know, I would. I would say that that first practice is probably a good thing to keep on trying to solo to some degree, because, as you know, you have the part that says, I don't want to do this. You can just essentially ask that part, well, can I hang out with you and not do this thing, but can I just breathe with you and welcome you? And then you might have another part that tries to distract and think about work? And then it's like, okay, well, can I zoom out a little further and hang out with both of you and breathe with both of you? And it's this process of just trying to increase, you know, what we can hold. I personally resonate a lot with a big challenge of just sitting down and meditating on a similar. Different but similar set of parts. And so I think that's one of the reasons that I've been so attracted to breath work, is because I get to do something, and then it kind of helps me feel more pleasant than I was feeling before. And then if I mix that with the intention of connecting with the parts rather than trying to get somewhere that the parts might not. The protectors might not want me to go, then I find it really, really helpful. And there's this concept, the stoic concept, you know, that some of you probably heard about where the obstacle is the way. And it's very much like that with parts work. You know, we never want to. We never want to see an obstacle that is a protector that says, you know, we're say we want to go. Here we have a protector that's like, we never want to see the process as a way to get around the protector. We just go, oh, okay, protector. You know, you are. You're the. You're the path. Now, when we're intentionally working with parts, there are times in life where we might have a part that just wants to break down and cry. And if it's not the right setting, then we do end up having to manage our parts rather than feel them. But if we're in a place where we're in practice, our attempt as much as possible is to try to feel parts rather than manage them, which is what they really want, even if they are kind of like gruff bear protectors. And I think it's a good segue into one of my favorite metaphors for this, but I'll just check in. Did any of that land at all, John?

Yes, yes. I mean, I have more technical questions about, like, parts and family bits and whatnot, but, I mean, this definitely resonates. And also, you're very good at this.

I mean, genuine. I think you're very good at this.

Like, how you explain things, like, technically and the. And the way you frame language and how you express yourself feels immensely welcoming to the subject matter, which is something I myself find hard when people Try and teach me. It's even worse. I generally just reject anything anybody says.

So. Thank you. Thanks John. I appreciate it. I can honestly tell you that as you shared that with me, I had a, I got my group of like nervous parts that come up when I lead and they're like oh, okay, we're doing a lot. Okay, that's nice. This is easy as far as the technical bit. Use whatever works for you. The best tool is the one that you use and I have a lot of clients that will not let me use parts language with them and, and then I just switch to whatever. I'm. Okay. How do you experience it? What do you call it? You know, so of course, you know, you can always, you know, read the book. I think I saw some post the introduction on the, on the chat, you know, I think a four hour audible book. But also just, just use whatever, you know, whatever works for you. Don't, don't accept any, don't even, you know, no need to even try to use a dogma or something that doesn't seem to fit. Okay, so one way I think I just want to name too. I think we had another question from Hannah and let's just, let's bookmark that Johnny. And then when we get to the next Q and A, we'll just start there. Okay. Another metaphor that I really like for this is to, is to think of my parts somewhat as like a band of musicians. And if I think of each of my parts as a, as a musician of some sort, it makes sense to me because they're all, they're all using different instruments. And when we don't use our musicians, when we don't interact with our musicians in an intentional way and we don't bring in a sense of leadership and trust throughout the system, then it's very much a cacophony. So we have all these musicians that are playing in different tempos and playing in different keys. Some that may not even be aware of each other, others that may not, may not or may really dislike each other. You know, we have a lot of, you know, there might be some part that's like I really want to, you know, say this in this certain setting and we might have another part that says no, shut up, let's not say, you know, that's going to make us look bad or you know, not get the connection or the result we're wanting. And so a lot of this process is by bringing in self energy. What we're really doing is it's like we're bringing In a conductor. Not a conductor so much as in like a manager, you know, who is like organizing everything and managing everything. Although, just so you know, like, I love managerial parts. I have a bunch of them. They're awesome. They, like, make us really good at life. It's just when we're doing the internal work that when we try to manage things, it doesn't get us as far as when we try and feel things. But when we bring in this self energy, this connection to our core and we make it consistent, we start to bring in this conductor to this group of musicians. And what is a cacophony where nobody's sort of the group isn't on the same sense of understanding, the same vibration, the same harmony with each other. Afterwards, when we start to bring that energy and then all of a sudden they're playing in tempo, you know, they're organizing themselves, they're finding harmony with each other, they're in the same key. And we start to have this symphony, this orchestra. And that works really well with me especially because it acknowledges a couple things. One thing I'll just say is you can't fire any of the musicians. So that's sort of. That's why it's an internal family, is this idea, you know, that, you know, there's in a lot of practices, especially shamanic practices and stuff, of which which there's, I would say, like shamanic practices and a lot of coaching practices, which I'm a really big fan of both. But I think one thing that a lot of those modalities miss is they're trying to cut something out and get it further away. We'll take something like Shame, for instance. Right? Shame is pretty easy. Like a lot of people just shame is bad. So all I need to do is just get it out and then I won't have shame anymore. And I vehemently believe that that's not possible. It's not how our systems work. And that what really creates shift is when we're able to approach those parts that feel really strong emotions like that, like shame in particular, but could also be terror and rage and disgust and. And you know, these things that it's like on some level, it's like, ooh, you know, and when we do it in a really beautiful way where we're supporting them, then we can create this harmony. And so I imagine them, you know, this band of musicians. And, you know, if you have a drummer who's playing, you know, like a solo, you know, when, you know, out of time, when everyone else is doing Something else it's going to feel like that's going to, like, drummer, get out of the room. But really what we can do is. Is by doing this practice consistently is. Is we actually just get to understand that drummer. Maybe we listen to it solo at the right time, and then. And then we can say, that's great. It's good to know you, you know, check out our whole system. Zoom out with me for a moment. And when that happens, I've just seen time and time and time again where people will realize that this part that seems so terrible and so caustic to the system suddenly becomes this incredible ally. And all of a sudden, when you've gone through this meaningful process with this drummer, you know, the musician, I guess I'm just using now. All of a sudden, you have a rhythm section to your orchestra. And. And this. I've seen this happen so many times. So obviously, a lot of this really deep work can be helped through. Through being guided through these practices with someone who's really skilled. And I think the majority of the value that you. You can get from it, even if you are doing that, you do have someone who's guiding you is these daily consistent things that are in the realm of these tools that I'm giving you today. So there's. There's so much that you can harvest here on your own without necessarily needing to utilize somebody like that.

Okay.

That'S all for the symphony.

Did I ask just a clarification question? Could you give an example of. Let's say, what is the benefit that someone would experience on the other side of welcoming shame? Because I could imagine people listening, being like, I don't understand what. Like, what is the incentive for me to welcome the shame or the terror? Like, what is on the other side of that that you experience?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I guess I'll give kind of two pathways with that. So one would just be like, something that we're gonna. That we're gonna work with today, where it's just like a daily practice. Like, say I wake up in the morning, I'm feeling a lot of shame about something. And then I go through this practice where I'm intentionally connecting with it. I'm creating, you know, hopefully a decent container of safety because that's a pretty intense part to work with. And just through that, you know, 15 or 20 minutes or something like that, I will feel. I will feel a total difference in what, you know, if I just got up and walked through my day and kind of had that part really present, it keeps on you know, ruminating and moving in my day. So, you know, for some time I'm okay, I'm doing something else and then all of a sudden I feel it coming back in, you know, and maybe it's this gut wrenching feeling or some intensity or I'm thinking about something that I feel really shameful about, maybe some way that I messed up the day before or whatever it is, versus if I, if I do this practice intentionally and I connect with it, then I'll start to have a completely different relationship with the part that day because it's going to let me know to some degree trying to figure out how to like, even if I, even if I'm not going through because like, you know, I have a certain amount of skill and practice with this. So. So I might have like a more complex conversation than someone who's just jumping in. So like, if I'm just jumping in, even with a simple practice of just breathing and connecting on some level, it's going to feel a deeper level of safety and a deeper level of connection. Connection. And it's going to be like, you know, in the house and appliance example, it's going to be like turning the electricity on or the water on. And this part's going to feel on some level like, okay, I got to, I got to be expressed, I got to be witnessed, I got to be supported. And just like if, you know, we were struggling in some way and we had a friend or someone we cared about who came in and, you know, let us express in a meaningful way and witnessed and supported us in a way that felt, we felt self safe and held, there's like a softening and a relaxation and maybe if we do have a little dialogue with it, then that part's able to say, I just really don't want that thing yesterday to happen again. And so we can understand. Oh, I see. Okay, you're really trying to help. And then, you know, gets a bit complex. But likely we'll probably notice another part that when we do feel that shame, it goes, oh no, no, not shame. And so if we can feel both of those parts, you know, this one, that, that, that tries to push it away and then the shame itself and we can acknowledge them both and then actually feel like, hear its message. Like, I just want to make sure that next time, you know, we really catch our friends bid for connection because when we missed that yesterday, we could see how hurtful it was for them. And it like, you know, and experience, re experiencing it and getting that close is going to feel like a little tender and vulnerable and there's going to be a little bit ouch. But then what I've noticed is afterwards, after going through that and doing it in this container, as I move through the day, there's so much more spaciousness. I don't have this intense thing sitting on my shoulder that wants to keep moving in time and time again, because on some level, that part got to get its message out and it got to do it in a safe way. And the part that really didn't want that to happen because it's painful and intense, also got to see that it was safe and that it's actually okay to listen to shame if we do it in a way where we're really intentional because it's not creating so much pain and disruption in our life. You know, it only takes. It could only take a few minutes just to understand, you know, why are you there? Why are you showing up and at the end of the day, why are you trying to help me? And so then there becomes that harmony within our symphony and our orchestra and it becomes less cacophonous. Helpful. Seeing some nods. Okay, I think we're able to move into the practice now. Just. I wasn't looking at any of my notes that whole time, so let me make sure I didn't miss anything that some of my manager parts wanted to really get across to you, I guess. Yeah, there's just a couple. A couple last things I'll add into this that I won't go super in depth with because I want to have time to do this practice in a good way, which is I feel like, like doing this practice consistently. You could think of it like, you know, like doing pushups or working out. I call it like, I call this what we're going to do in a bit. Parts push ups. And. And it relates a little bit to what I was talking about about like the snowball rolling down the hill is that it oftentimes will feel. It's gonna. It's gonna feel generally the hardest to do at first, although, you know, that might shift day to day just depending on your mood where, you know, obviously in a good mood, it's going to be a lot easier. You're in a tough mood, it's going to be harder. But overall, the, the. There's a way that as it progresses, it gets easier. As you do it more and more, you become stronger and stronger and you build this resilience over time. And so I want to say that as a motivator to if this resonates with you. If it feels good, see if you're able to take it into a daily practice. You know, daily practice of two minutes would probably be more effective in my opinion than a weekly practice of 20 or even 30 minutes. And it's nice to set up like a safe space to do it like we're doing here or you know, space of like regularity where you're, it's going to be easier in that moment. Then some harder moments where like in real time where there's like some trigger, maybe there's somebody else involved in the trigger, but those are huge extra credit moments, you know, and the more we do these intentional like, you know, push ups or working out, then when we're out in life and all of a sudden we want to do parts, you know, karate, then we've, we've built up this, this sense of resilience and ability to do it. So seeing it that way as a practice where each time you do it, even if it's hard, probably especially if it's hard, you're building up your capacity to do it in more and more difficult moments until you're a parts karate master. The last thing that I'll say before we jump into the practice and maybe take a question or two is all of these parts are well intentioned. There's a famous book by Dick Schwartz, the guy who started Internal Family System and he called it no Bad Parts.

And.

Even, you know, this has been shown time and time again as they've gone into, you know, prisons and, and work with people who have some, you know, really strong, really strong challenges in life, as strong as you can imagine. And always when they get to the core of any of these parts, you know, even parts who have really hurt other people or even suicidal parts, or you know, parts that shame other people or feel a lot of shame, when you get to their, the core of their intention, their intention is always positive. They're always trying to help in some way, you know, so for a part that, you know, hurts other people, you know, it's oftentimes going to be for some reason was because they felt they needed, you know, to protect themselves or they needed to feel powerful so, so that they, you know, didn't feel like that vulnerable part that got hurt a long time ago or for a suicidal part, you know, trying to stop, you know, some sort of unbearable pain. And it's important to recognize that no matter what the part comes up, if you get to know it, if you get to know it well enough, you'll find out that it has a positive intention and you can kind of, you know, you can short circuit it a little bit. I like to cheat a lot in ifs. There's kind of like a process in a way that practitioners are supposed to do these things. And I like taking shortcuts towards. Towards self energy and teaching other folks how to do that like we're doing today. So this is one way to do that is to remember that they're always trying to help. And then another one that I really like is to understand that all of these parts are very young. I mean, occasionally you have more adult parts, but it's really uncommon. Some teenage parts are there. Most of them are between 0 and 7. And so there's one part that's really struggling, or even if that struggle feels intense and aggressive, or it's more clearly like tender, or sometimes when parts are fighting with each other, it's a really good shortcut to recognize them as these really young patterns and parts. And as you get to know them, get to talk to them, you'll find that they do communicate from this place. And they communicate like they are almost young children. And. And understanding that can help short circuit into a lot of care and compassion for them. Whether you have kids or not, Usually most of us have some young people in our lives, or you could even imagine, like pets, where when they're struggling with that pattern of maybe feeling angry or resistant or shameful or, you know, unworthy or whatever it is, that you would likely be able to connect with them and try and offer them care and compassion. So that's something that I'll offer for you today as we do this practice, is to notice as your part comes up that has this youngness to it that you can really care for. Is there any. I think we should just move right in. Unless there's like a burning question around, like someone feeling like they wouldn't be able to move into the practice without asking this question. Okay. Johnny, will you be able to share some music for this one?

Yeah. Didn't you hear music last time? Was it not coming through?

I. I didn't hear music.

Oh, no, I thought I was playing it.

That's okay.

Let me. Let me. Let me try again.

We do a little sound check.

Yeah, let's do a sound check.

So computer, audio. I can. I can get people just started to. While you do that, so you can start to move back. You know, the start of this practice is going to be pretty similar to the first one we did, so it's going to also include that Deep breathing and then staying soft and relaxed. And I'll send a. I'll send a. Some links to Johnny where some of these practices are written out so you can bring them with you moving forward, too.

Just reshare the audio.

And so while Johnny's doing that, go ahead and find your spot, whether you want to sit up or you want to lay down. And I would start in with a few of those letting go sighs. So as you're breathing deep, just an audible, like, it's a nice way to soften the nervous system. We can do without music, too, Johnny.

It's okay.

Oh, man. It's not wanting to play today.

Hey, you know, maybe it's. We're just being told to be purists today.

Can you hear anything now?

No.

Weird, huh?

And for. For the first couple minutes here, you can actually just do what we were doing before, where you're starting to notice parts of yourself. You can even notice the parts of yourself that are responding to our technical difficulties. Let's just do it. Let's just do it with just my voice, Johnny.

Okay, I'll see if maybe Ocean can try. I think there's something up with my computer.

Okay. Yeah, I think. I think we'll be good if we get this way. Let's take a few more of those deeper breaths and some audible sighs at the end. And as you breathe deeply, you want to get a good amount of air in. You also want to do it in a way where you're not like really straining your upper chest muscles and you're not trying to get to like a hundred percent. So it's just this relaxed, deep breathing. And for another minute or so here, just keep breathing deep and start with that practice of using your inhale to breathe into and to welcome whatever you're noticing. So if it's active mind sensations, discomfort, it can be something pleasant. Just use your breath to welcome it and to bring your awareness closer to it. And then I'd like you to consider for yourself, see if there's a part of yourself. So any pattern, this could be an emotional pattern, the way that you show up in the world. See if there's a part of yourself that is both challenging, you find challenge with this part, and also something that you know that you would like to get to know better, like to understand better. And keep breathing deep while you consider this. And once you got a sense of it, sense of some. Some part of yourself that. That you struggle with sometimes, that you'd also like to get to know better, bring it into your Awareness more deeply. It might just be by focusing on it, it might be right there. Or if you need a little extra help, you can actually imagine a recent situation where this part was present. And as you become aware of it, see if you can notice it in or around your body in any way. And if that's not there, then then just notice how you experience. And then once you, you got a sense of it, whether it's in your body or you experience it some other way, let it know that, that truth that you'd like to get to know it better, you'll just be focusing on this part and then you're letting it know, like, hey, I'd really like to get to know you better, want to understand. And as you do that, and as you're still breathing deep into that sensation in your body like you did with welcoming earlier, but this time tune into that feeling that you'd really like to get to know this part better, whether that's interest or curiosity. And then you can breathe into that, a feeling of interest, curiosity, desire, not better. And then you can try to send this part some of that energy. And as you're doing that, if you notice another part that feels like resistant to connecting with this one, or has any challenge with this process, see if you're able to just zoom out a little bit and notice both of these parts and, and then send them both that energy of curiosity or interest or whatever it is for you. And then as you do that, as you're sending these kind of waves of curiosity over, check in with that part and notice how does it feel for that part to receive this, this interest or this curiosity from you, and whatever that part's response is to you connecting with it, just notice that you've got this two way connection with the part, or you're offering it this curiosity and it's responding in whatever way it is it. And we're gonna transition back in the next minute or so here and you can let that part know that. And if it's true for you, you can thank it for spending some time. And you can also ask the part if it has any requests for you moving forward.

And then.

Slowly harvest anything else that feels meaningful about that and start to bring your awareness back to the group. Sam and we're a few minutes over time here, so gonna move towards closure with you all. Although I wish I had held time differently so we could integrate this last bit a little more.

And.

If there's anything that was important or meaningful that you'd like to share with the Group just put it in the chat. I'd love to see any impact that that had for any it. And if you, if your part did have a request for you at the end around. Around connecting especially, really, really helpful as a jumping off point if you decide to try this again to reconnect with that part. And I'll send these links to Johnny so he can share them with with you all so you can try this on your own. I think there is now two leaf blowers on either side of me. Good job, Sophie. Noticing knowing your sister st and knowing how to work with it in a healthy way.

Beautiful.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much, Ian. Want to honor people's time. Just a brief message to say that Ian and I and my wife Kelly will be doing a retreat in the summer, likely towards the end of June. So we'll be sharing more details about that as well. We'll kind of incorporate breath work, hearts work and all this good stuff. But thank you so much, Ian for today's session. It was really beautiful. Apologies for the technical difficulties on my side as well.

No problem.

Yeah. And thank you everyone for showing up. If you have any other thoughts, comments, the replay will be posted. Feel free to post there and I'll share Ian's contact details as well. His website, his email if you want to get in touch with.

Yeah, great.

Thank you so much, Johnny, for having me. Thank you all for letting me be a talking head and share something that I love so much. And if any of you want to connect for any reason about more of this, I love this work so much. Look forward to maybe meeting some of you more and have a great day. Appreciate you.

Beautiful. Thanks so much everyone. Have a great week and see you on Friday.

Bye.

Bye. Thank you.

Bye everyone.