🧑‍🏫 Rapid Fire Hot Seat Coaching w/ Renowned Executive Coach Joe Hudson Replay

Okay, let's go. Hello. Hello. Good morning. Good afternoon, everyone. Oh, hey, Mark. Hey, Katie. Hey, Lauren. Hey, Ben. Hey, Marie. Hey, Sarita. Hey, Joanna. Jennifer. Lovely to see all your faces today. So we'll be starting in a minute or so. If you'd like to share how you're feeling in the chat. In three words.

Yeah.

How are you feeling in this moment? In three words.

It. Lauren, is that you? Is that you, Lauren? How's Mexico? You just give me 1 to 10. How are the little ones?

They're amazing.

Life in Mexico is amazing. So great.

Grateful Johnny brought you here. Nice.

Okay, beautiful. Well, welcome, everyone. I'm just gonna make myself and Joe extra big so you can see us. There we go. Well, welcome, everyone.

I'm.

I'm so excited for. For this hot seat coaching session. Joe, who I believe many of you are familiar with, but if you're not, Joe runs the Art of Accomplishment. He. I. I just have so much respect for the work that these guys are doing. I've taken several of their courses. Their podcast is fantastic. If you guys haven't come across it, I've, you know, at least linked to four or five episodes in this cohort so far. But it's the Art of Accomplishment podcast for those of you, if you want.

To check it out.

And yeah, this is going to be a live hot seat coaching session. We're going to start off with some kind of more like intellectual questions to kind of warm us up, and then we'll shift into the. The hot seat coaching itself. So welcome, Joe.

It's.

It's so great to have you here.

Thanks. Good to be here again.

Yeah. Is there anything you'd like to say before we. We kind of dive into the intellectual questions or anything on your mind?

Not before the intellectual stuff. Yeah, before the cooking. I'll do some stuff, but not now.

Great.

Yeah, great.

Perfect. Well, let me just move my screen around a bit. Okay.

So actually, you know, actually, there is one thing about the intellectual questions that I would like to say is there's two ways to receive the answers to an intellectual question. The first is, oh, I'm going to put that in my head. I'm going to decide whether I agree with it or I don't agree with it. I really highly encourage you. Don't do it that way. I highly encourage you that you say, oh, that's cool. Can I test it? Can I try it out? Can I experiment with it and then see what the reality of it is instead of using a mental model to see what the reality of it Is So as an example of this is on Twitter the other day somebody asked about judgment and I said, oh, that's something that covers up emotions underneath. So every time judgment shows up, ask yourself what you're trying not to feel. And, and one person debated it and one person went out and did it for five days and came back and was like, holy shit, this changed my life. Highly recommend. Don't take my word for anything. Go and test it. Go find out what's real for you.

I love that so much. I think you guys recently put out an episode on experiments specifically like how to design them, how to think about running them. And that's something that I think we both share in our teaching philosophy is very much like permissioning everyone here to take an idea and craft an experiment that fits your life for it. And yeah, that's I think a huge part of what makes this work so powerful. So maybe to dive in. I've kind of drawn a few of the questions that have been submitted in our community. Some of the topics people have been talking about and I think it will, they'll relate to some of the later coaching work as well. So to start off, this was a question I think submitted last week from Katie and she talked about how in some of our relational practices, so we have this like relational dojo, she gets stuck in self critical thought and it can kind of distract her from really being present for the exercise. What might you. Yeah, I'll just, I'll pause there. What's, what's, what would you recommend maybe as an experiment for her to try.

The question's important. There is, is the question how do I get rid of it? Or is the question how do I not get stuck different.

So she was more asking how do I stay present for the exercise when she's being distracted by these, by these loops.

I would, I would say that, that if you know what the intellect, what the critical voice in your head is saying in the moment you are present. So what I would say is the thing that if there's anything making you not present, it's wanting to not have that critical selft talk rather than exploring what this, what this critical self talk really is. So how, what does it do to your body when you, when it speaks? How do you respond to it? What if you respond to it differently? What, what if you ignore it? What if you yell back at it? What if you don't feel like an oppressor to it? Where, where does it land in your body? What color is it? So to me, trying to get Rid of it is the thing that makes you not present, trying to understand it for what it is and really dive deeply into it instead of immediately go into the relationship of, oh, that thing is oppressing me. I'm oppressed, and now I can't have the thing that I want go into the, oh, what about this thing? Do I not understand? That would be one way to do it in, in the long term. One of the, One of the nicest first experiments to do with the, with the negative self talk is to see what it's like to respond to it differently. Because right now what happens is it says something and you're like, you know, most people listen to their negative voice in the head. Like they would listen to a politician that they're a devotee to, right? Like, think about the politician you hate. Think about it's their avid followers. And they're like, yeah, okay, yeah, whatever you have to say, I'm gonna just buy into it. Even though half of the is lies, similarly, that's what's happening with your voice in your head. You actually believe all the lies that it's spewing at you. So see what it's like to not try to change it, but to change the way that you relate to it. I love that.

Yeah, that's beautiful. And maybe kind of following this thread around experiments, I think you mentioned in the podcast recently that experiments have been like your teacher, your guru, so to speak. What is it about forming experiments that makes them so powerful for this type of work specifically.

I can tell you that your judgment, for instance, as we just talked about, I can tell you that your judgment is holding back an emotion underneath, that you're using it as a way to repress an emotion that. Or that it's an emotional stagnator. Now, everybody knows it, but it's changed nobody's life. If you run the experiment and you see, oh, every time I'm judging myself, every time I'm judging somebody else, I'm trying not to feel something. I'm going to actually allow myself just 30 seconds to feel it. And then you see how that changes your life. Then you know it. You can, you can intellectually get stuff, but unless you're putting it to work, unless you actually know how it affects the way that you exist. It's, it's. The information is not very useful. I can, I can give you a treaty on how to pray. I can give you a treaty on how to meditate. Means nothing unless you actually have tried it and then found out what it, what it is. For you and. And gone through the stages of development of these things, right? The way that I started meditating is not the way that I meditate today. And there's actually works on how meditation develops the more you do it. But you can read about it, but it's irrelevant unless you do it.

And how do you think about both what is a good experiment versus a bad experiment? And how do you harness the feedback loop that comes to kind of iterate on what those experiments are?

An experiment is, the primary thing for a good experiment is that you get it done. So if the experiment becomes something like your to do list of, like, I gotta work out, and then you don't work out, and then your voice tells you you're bad for not working out, if you have that thing, then the experiment's not gonna work. So you need to find something that's like, infinitely doable, infinitely enjoyable. And the more it's enjoyable and the more it's doable, the better the experiment. So that's one criteria for an experiment. The second one is that it doesn't create shame in your system. So oftentimes people will create an experiment, at least at the beginning, they'll create an experiment based on a pattern rather than based on wonder. And if it's based on a pattern, it'll start creating shame in your system if it's based on wonderful. And then the third thing is to the way you approach the experiment. So for years when I was doing experiments, they would work for a while and then they would stop working, and they'd work for a while and they'd stop working. I'd be like, what the. And then I noticed this thing that happened for me, which was they would work. And then I was like, oh, that's the way I can get the thing that I want. And I started doing it as a way to get the thing that I wanted. And then they stopped working. And so without the wonder, without the curiosity, without the what, like, I'm here to explore, once you start using them as a form of managing your life, they'll. They usually stop working. And so the perfect example of this is, you know, I get this a lot where people are talking about, let's say, the voice in the head and the thing we just spoke about, and they're like, oh, I changed all the ways I thought about it. And the voice in the head started to totally change and disappear. It was great. And then it all came back and I would be like, great. So you weren't actually exploring the. You stopped exploring the Voice in the head. And you started managing it, you started trying to get rid of it. And so that's typically how it goes. Three of the key things about making a good experiment and play, that's great.

And super practical and on the play piece. I think this is something which is also kind of counterintuitive to a lot of people that are in the self development world. I know that for myself, I kind of came into it with this seriousness around transformation is serious doing the work.

Right.

It's this phrase and what is it that you think that is so maybe paradoxically helpful about emphasizing enjoyment and emphasizing ease and play and wonder? How is that actually productive when it comes to this type of work?

Yeah, well, there, there's certain things in self development where effort is counterintuitive. Like it just doesn't, it's, it's like, it's just horrible. I'll give you an example. So if everybody like puts their hands together like this, like. Yeah, put your hands together like that and then try to move those. Yeah, those two fingers. Okay. But nobody's trying to, you're all doing it. Feel what it's like to try to do it. Right. That's, that's, that's heavy effort. That's the feeling in your body of heavy effort. And now just feel the exact opposite in your body of that trying. Isn't that what a lot of self development is trying to get to, is to actually feel the opposite of that trying. So that's one piece of it. The other piece of it for those who are more intellectually minded. If I was to build a car and I wanted to have a super efficient car, it wouldn't be a Ferrari. Ferrari is a fast car, but it's not an efficient car. Somehow or another, when we think about human efficiency, we think about it as fast. I got that job done fast. Therefore I was efficient, but it's not efficient. Efficient means you're using less fuel, you're using less resources, you're using less effort. And so the best metric of efficiency is enjoyment. If I finish this thing that we're doing here today and I am happy and I'm energized, that was super efficient. I have more energy to do other if I'm exhausted. And that wasn't efficient, that means, you know, that I, I spent X amount of energy for an hour and a half. So enjoyment is the way to, to really measure your efficiency. So those are the two reasons, especially in this work, that that a lot of, a lot of how enjoyment really affects it. Allows you to like, not get into that power struggle of trying and it allows you to be efficient with your energy.

That's so great. And yeah, it feels like efficacy as well as efficiency is relevant there too.

Yeah, just to double down on it. There's this great Zen story about it where this young kid comes to a Zen sword master, is like, I want to be a master. How long will it take? And he says, oh, about 10 years. And the kid goes, well, I got to take care of the farm and if I do everything like twice as much as everybody else and I try really, really hard and I like put in double the effort, how long will it take? And the zen master says 20.

20. 20 years.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's, that's so great. So, so maybe for the last question, this, I think this will transition us into the hot seat coaching. You've, you've coached presumably, you know, hundreds, maybe even thousand plus people at this point in this. What have you seen to be the conditions for the people in the hot seat that reliably leads to not only it being kind of an insightful experience, but something that has the potential to be life changing. Like what conditions tend to be present in those people?

When you say what conditions tend to be present, do you mean what's the approach that's most effective or do you mean.

Yeah, what's the orientation in them typically?

Okay, yeah, they're honest. They're honest with what's going on. That's the primary. If they're trying to hide some, hide part of the issue, it's not going to work very well. The other thing that I would say is a, a, a, a willingness, a willingness to explore something that they've never thought about before or that's almost completely contradictory to what they think is the truth about themselves. So, but there's another, another one is being in your body. It's really helpful if you're, if you're constantly checking in with your body and you're not like, like you're not using this as much as you're using this and this. You're using the whole system. And then the other piece that occasionally you see people do on this, which just makes it a little bit longer, is they're trying to get there. They're trying to make like the event happen, they're trying to make the breakthrough happen. And that's, that's a pain in my ass. We'll deal with it. But it's a pain in the ass because it all happens a lot quicker if you're not Trying to make it happen.

Moment.

Okay, great. Well, that's a beautiful segue. And speaking of being in our bodies, let's use that as a moment to take a moment to drop in. So everyone listening. If you'd like to get comfy in your seat and remember that you have a body. So tuning into your interoceptive awareness, taking a deep breath and feeling into your feet on the ground. Contact points with your butt on the seat. And just take a few moments to be. Be really still and tuning into any sensations that might be alive in your body in this moment. Being aware of the space behind you, space to the sides of you, left and right. And once again, your feet on the floor, your butt on the seat. And let's all receive one full breath together. So inhaling through the nose and sighing on the exhale, let's do one more noticing how good the breath feels in the body. Okay. Well, with that in mind, can I add.

Can I add one thing?

Oh, please.

Yeah. So take a minute and literally make your jaw slack. So there should be, like, a gap between your lips and your jaw. And relax your throat. And notice that the emotional intensity increases when you do this. And see what it's like to invite the sensations that happen when you just relax your jaw and relax your throat. Great. Thanks.

Beautiful.

Well, as context, Sarah, do you want to share a few words about how for everyone who's not in the hot seat, to orient and to kind of bring curious, loving presence to those who are brave enough to raise up their hands today?

Yeah, absolutely. Hi, everybody. My name is Sarah. I'm a course manager here at Art of Accomplishment. Oh, feeling, like, very calm now.

Go.

Right.

I have things to say.

So wait, Sarah's not a course manager? Sarah is like the heart of. Of the Art of accomplishment for her.

I love being here. So the first thing that I'll clue you into, we'll start with the easy logistical stuff. Joe does not read the chat at all, but I definitely do, and I know Johnny and his team do. The main thing that I want to point out is that as you're sitting and you're witnessing these sessions, oftentimes the chat can be this nice little escape hatch that we might want to use, particularly maybe when something is resonating to a point that might feel uncomfortable. So my invitation to you is that if you notice an impulse to pick up your phone, to dip into the chat, to check your email, anything else like that, if you notice an impulse to kind of leave the experience, just sit with that with a little bit of gentle curiosity. Try to stay present as much as possible. I also advise against taking any notes or anything that is going on. I see Johnny is recording this, so I'm sure he's going to send out a recording a little bit later. But if you can stay present with the experience that's happening, whatever you want to get out of it, you're not necessarily going to get through those notes. You'll actually get quite a bit more if you just sit, sit and stay with it. The final thing that I'll ask is that anytime you want to send messages of appreciation, recognition, support to someone who has just gone through the one on one session, please absolutely do that. For someone who is willing to share this experience with us, to get the chat, like blowing up with all these messages of love and appreciation afterwards is like a nice warm blanket being wrapped around them. So please do that. We just ask that you save it for in between the sessions.

Yeah, beautiful. Maybe two more things. One is that just want to say thank you to those of you who submitted questions ahead of time. There was so much, like heart and vulnerability and honesty that was put into those questions. And I just. I felt very moved reading through them yesterday and today. And then the other piece is, I've noticed in myself kind of witnessing these sessions. There is almost always. Even if I'm not in the hot seat, there is something in this for me as well. So kind of encourage you to view everyone who's there almost like as a mirror and seeing what you can take away and learn from the experience too. So with that in mind, if you've submitted a question ahead of time, would you like to raise your virtual hand? And Jo will pick from some of the folks who are. Who are in the group here.

Great. I don't know who's in control of the spotlight, but whoever is in control of the spotlight, can you please make sure the person who you're working with is on top?

Yeah, totally.

Because that just helps me. Let me see who. What we got going on here? Is it case I'm not picking you. I just can't see your face. Is it Keith? Okay. Yeah. I just want to be able to see everybody's face. Let's start with Joanne.

Joanna. Or is there Joanna?

Yeah. Yeah, Sorry. Apologies.

Hi, Joe.

Hi. How are you?

Shy and so excited to be connecting. This is amazing.

Is that your painting in the background of the. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's lovely.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I would love.

Can we get her on top and I can look at her in the camera at the Same time. So.

Yeah, let me pin you as well. Is that. Is that working? I've now lost you, though.

You've lost me.

I'll find it. Here we go.

I've lost myself too. We're in good company.

Where is Joe? There we go. How's that?

I see nothing at this point, so can you.

Can you change your view to speaker? Yep. And then I think you should see.

Now I just see you really multi speaker.

Same for me as well.

Okay. If I go to multi speaker, I see Joanna and you. Okay.

So I can either spotlight or I can.

It's just the order in which you spotlight Sarah.

I see. I see. I see.

If you spotlight the participant first. Yeah. Then it should show up on the top of his screen.

How's that?

I'm on the top still. Sorry. Unspotlight me and spotlight me again. I think it'll work. Okay. This is perfect for you, Joanna. You're getting to feel all that anxiety. This is great.

Third time we get.

Yeah, perfect. We got it.

Yeah.

Great. Yeah. Cool.

It's. It's interesting how this all feels so connected with what's. What's present. I. I would love to explore in the hot seat moment that we have together. I. I'm. I'm tracking for. My mind is tracking for. Where is this charge coming from? And there's something that really got lit up in me about six months ago.

Joanna, Just so I have context. Like, if you start with what's the question? In one sentence and then. Then give me the context.

My question. Okay, so my question is, how can the art that flows through me be the greatest use to life? And where can I.

How can the art that flows through me be the what?

Like the greatest benefit to life? Like the greater system that I'm a part of. The ecology.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm curious about where the results.

What. What. What makes that important? What makes being useful to others being like what? Think about it this way. There's a fish. There's that peacock. It's hanging out on a farm. And it's like, how do I be the most use for the farm? Like, what. What makes that the question?

Well, it feels like it's connected with the whales, and I think that's why it makes it. The question is because I have language capabilities that can potentially communicate. And I'm like, where is this coming from? Is. Is there, like. Yeah, please.

I'm just asking what makes it important that it's contributing to anything besides your pleasure and enjoyment? Oh, thank you.

Ah.

What makes it important. Thank you for this is. I don't want to look back and say, why didn't I speak up when there was a margin for potentially shifting into something that potentially I'm reconciling.

I'm like, where.

Where are things headed right now? And it. How much am I supposed to be responsive and in the moment?

So what I'm hearing you say is that. Just help me out here. It's like, the reason that you're having a somewhat codependent relationship with your art is because you're scared that you won't speak up. And the reason that you're not speaking up is because you're worried about other people's reactions. How much am I. Did I get that right?

I guess I'm tracking for what's the truth within this charge around a desire to be like, be platform, like, be a voice and to let that creativity.

What matters, what makes it useful if it's true or not?

What makes it useful if it's true or not, is that I think there's a fear of the charge.

You said you want to know if there's truth behind the chart. Like, what if you just dropped all that shit and did what you wanted? Is my question.

Yeah, and that's. That's my question too. Is. Is what. What is life wanting from me? And how can I coexist within myself? That track?

No, it feels like another way to make sure that you're not doing the thing that you want to do. So let's do it. Let's try it a slightly different way. What does your art want when you're. When you're painting? It looks, from what I see, you. You have a capacity to channel. And how. How right am I?

Yes.

So what makes you not channel right now? What makes it only happen during art?

Because I'm. I'm holding conflicting viewpoints right now, and I'm wondering, do I just, like, avoid this altogether or do, like, what do you do.

What do you do when you're. When that happens in your painting?

It doesn't usually happen when I'm painting because it's always been so. Just sacred and internal like this is for me.

So show me the place you go when you're painting. You're about. You're about to start painting. Show me the place you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What makes you not. What makes that not the way you live your life entirely? It's okay. You can cry if this. Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

It's beautiful. The beauty is the simplicity and what you're bringing Me to. Yeah, it just. I. I feel like a dissolving of all the. The external stuff that's been like, what is the capital T truth here?

Yeah, yeah. All that is is it's like being in your head when you're painting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's fun sometimes, like, bringing in geometry, you know, bringing in frame and.

And.

Yeah.

And it feels like it's. It's wanting more of that convergence of, like, the master.

But now you left. Now you. Yeah.

Thank you.

Go back to the place where you. Where you make your art from.

Thank you.

Yeah. Whoa.

So can I just accept that this really.

No, no, you left. You left. You know you left.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You also know if you could beat yourself up when you leave art, it takes you farther to get longer to get back to it. You just. Did you just beat yourself up because you left that field. And you know that that takes you longer to get back to it if you've painted for a while. You know that's true.

My mind wants to jump up and be like, what is Joe saying? And I'm like, no, stay in your body. And my mind is like, is that okay?

Right.

So thank you.

Right. Yeah. That's what your mind does, but it's not what your art does. Yeah. So you have this deep skill of channeling, and you've put it just towards art. Tell me what your life looks like if you had to guess, if you channeled life, not just art. If there is no more separation between when you're painting and when you're selling your art or when you're. All of it is in. It is an expression of something greater than you.

I'm just allowing this in right now.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And I'm. I'm actually trying to get your mind to just understand it. So I'm asking your mind, what does your life look like if that's how you do it.

Okay.

Looks like a lot of what we've been afraid of dissolves. It looks like. It looks like connection. It looks like beauty and wonder and ease and soul recognition.

Yeah. So your mind. Your mind can get it.

Yes.

Yeah. So I'm going to just ask your mind for a minute. What do you need so that you can remember this moment? Right.

So my mind's like. Thank you, Joe.

Say again?

My mind really wants.

Thank you.

Like you like. Yeah, yeah.

What?

This is such a great question. What does my mind need to just.

Remember to make life art? What? Because it. It knows how good it's going to be.

Yes.

Does it need to be reminded when it gets scared.

Such a great question. I think it needs to. And he's. Can my mind feel I'm still in the feeling?

I think, yeah. That. I think it's answering your question. It needs to be in the feeling.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh God, Joe, thank you so, so deeply from all of my be for this amazing.

Just one more piece before I let you go, which is the mind. So the mind now knows. Okay. If I just. If I get scared, I'm going to just get back to my body. But there's one other piece that I just think will be really helpful to you. It's. How do you, you know what it's like to take an emotion and use it in art? Yeah. So how do you take that fear and use it in the art of. And.

How do I take the fear and use it in the art of life? It's. It's connecting with that warrior goddess archetype.

Yeah.

And like allowing the intellectual like learnings.

And what I'm noticing is you're doing it right now. And what it does is it turns into excitement.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

So when you have that fear and the head is going, what if I do? You can get into the body, you can feel that fear and it converts into this excitement.

That's it. I see some nodding heads too. This is amazing. Thank you so much. Oh, God.

Pleasure. Pleasure. Yeah, thank you. Co. Will Perkins. Well, I know that name. How do I know that name? Will, I'm calling Will up. Hey.

Yeah, I've done the connection course.

That's how I know. Can we, can we flip Johnny on. Yeah. Knew I knew that name. Hi.

Yeah, hey. Yeah, the connection course was really, really powerful for me. I just did my first cohort, I guess this last one and it was.

Yeah, here.

Sorry.

I'm going to hide my self view.

Real quick because it's a little distracting actually.

I don't know if I can.

Since I'm up here.

It's okay.

I'll just focus on you. Yeah, yeah. I've also NSM course.

What's your. What's your question, Will?

Yeah, I think I submitted a different question, but I wanted to tweak it a little bit. I think it's a bit more vulnerable. I want to ask you what is the. What is my core wound? What am I running away from that makes me feel I'm. I'm better or worth more than other people, especially the people closest to me, like my fiance.

It's a great question. I'm going to answer you which is I never would normally do, but somehow I'm called to do it. It's that you were deeply hurt by somebody who was supposed to love you, and so you protect yourself by putting yourself above those who you love.

What. What can I do?

I guess. Yeah. Tell me the story of how. How the hurt happened. What I'm assuming is like an extremely intellectually critical parent, but maybe I'm wrong.

Yeah. I'm not positive exactly how the hurt happened. I know that a lot of it.

Wait, wait, wait. You were in the sadness of it, so speak from the sadness of it, because I'm going to trust that a lot more than whatever just happened.

I.

I.

Felt let down by.

My mom.

Yeah.

And how she. How she lived, how she parented me, how she reacted to my father passing away, and the way she. The way she treated me, the way she didn't treat me.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I.

How much of it was abandoned? You felt abandoned by your mom, if you had to put a word to it. Is it abandoned? Is it criticized?

Is it abandoned? Doesn't feel quite right. I felt. Maybe restrained. I felt. I felt boxed in. I felt like I couldn't express what I needed to express. I felt. I want to say trapped almost, or.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Just like caged.

Yeah.

Yeah. Great. Cool. Yeah. How are you caged by your feelings of superiority?

I'm. I stopped myself from. A little scary to say this, but I. I would say I stopped myself from connecting with God. When I'm. When I feel superior to others, I feel closed off to Him. I feel like I'm. Yeah, I'm blocking myself away. I. Yeah, I'm. I'm disconnecting from everything around me and everyone around me and that divine spark in. In the world and in people. Because I'm. I'm putting myself above it. I'm telling myself I'm. I'm better than God. You know, I'm. I'm the one that.

Yeah.

All the decisions that. That gets to decide who's good and bad.

Love it. Love that answer. What. What did you want to hear from your mom? Like, when you were feeling boxed in, what would you. Like the perfect thing that your mom could have said? What. What would. And you know, I have a. I also have another solution. You don't want to look at yourself. Pull your glasses off. You'll be able to see yourself less, and I'll be able to see you more. That's great. Yeah. Yeah.

I was wondering about. About the class. What. What was the question?

Sorry.

Question is when you Were feeling boxed in by your mom, what would have been the thing that you would have loved to have heard from her? What would have been, like, the perfect thing she could have said to you?

I wanted her to say.

That she.

Still loved me, even if I was angry, and she still loved me, even if I was sad. And that it didn't matter if I was screaming and. And crying and throwing things at the walls, that she wasn't gonna, you know, storm off or yell at me to stop causing a ruckus. I wanted her to. To see how much I was hurt by my dad passing and all the struggles I had, you know, at school and just dealing with that. I wanted her to honor that. I wanted her not to be afraid of me. And all the, you know, the sadness and the anger and the frustration and the. The feeling of being lost.

Yeah. Beautiful. And so now you're boxing yourself in. What's the thing that you can say to yourself now? What's the apology that you could give to yourself? That perfect apology, that perfect scene so that you feel deeply seen and emancipated from the cage? Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if it's coming in the form of an apology, but I'm just gonna go with it.

I. Great. Lovely.

Say I. I. I know myself. I know you. I know every nook and cranny, and I love it. I forgive everything. No matter how bad you think it is or how I can never see the light of day or how heinous it is, I. I know it. I know it fully, and I love it. And I'll always love it.

Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Where's God now?

He's in my heart. Yeah.

Oh, wow. There's this. Today's the day of Zen stories. I'm not usually a Zen story kind of guy, but today's the day is then story. And this big general comes to the Zen teacher and he says, says, can you tell me the difference between heaven and hell? Then teacher goes, you idiot, back off. Like how? Like you're this big time general. You don't even know the difference between heaven and hell. And the general pulls out his sword and goes to kill the teacher. And the teacher says, that's hell.

Oh.

And then the general does exactly what you just did, and he says, that's heaven.

Thank you, Joe.

Thank you. Pleasure. Will. Nate. Goodness gracious. Are you, like, in the northeast somewhere? Are we in upstate New York? What's going on, Nate? Where are you?

I am in Boston. Massachusetts.

All right. New England. Yeah. Yeah. You've had some good weather there recently.

Beautiful today.

It's like 77. Yeah, I'm having a hard time hearing you. I'm going to have to hear you better if we're going to do this. Oh, there you go. That's much better. Oh, yeah, much better. Thank you. Hey.

Okay, before I ask my question, I'm going to give a little context.

No, please ask the question and then give me the context. Okay.

My question is that I'm feeling a lot of resistance to move forward with things that are really important to me. And the context is that resistance that.

You'Re not telling me what the things are.

That's probably a form of resistance too.

Yeah. What's the things?

The thing is.

Yeah.

Moving forward with my career and.

I.

Took a sabbatical, a one year sabbatical, and it turned into a two year sabbatical and I'm having a hard time kind of getting back into it.

And what's the career?

Well, that's part of the problem. I. I was in tech for 20 years and I sold my company and got really burnt out. And as part of that, I also went through a divorce. I had a heart attack. This is the context part.

Yeah, great. How, how necessary is it for you to work?

Well, I'm kind of like living off savings right now, doing a little bit of consulting.

But I mean. Yeah, how? Right, but how?

Yeah, I think the money is less important and what's more important for me is the purpose and meaning. Feeling like life is a little bit meaningless. I've spent a lot of time doing stuff.

How do you have purpose? How do you have purpose and not have a heart attack? How do you have purpose and be fulfilled? How do you have purpose and enjoy your life?

I think connecting to something that's meaningful to me, connecting to friends. There were a lot of things that I put on the back burner when I was doing my company. I was working 60 hour work weeks and ignoring a lot of relationships. So the last year or so I've been reconnecting with people and that's been really meaningful.

What made you do that? What made you drop your life to.

I was the sole breadwinner and I felt like I needed to make the company successful. It was like the family's only source of income. So I just like poured everything into it at the expense of other things that were important to me.

How did that work out besides the heart attack and the divorce?

Well, I sold the company, so I guess there was some financial gain, but it wasn't enough to stop Working. Not that that was a goal for me, but I think what it did is it turned me to really explore my childhood and a lot of try to get at the need to achieve the need to accomplish the need to be something. Be someone.

Yeah. So if I told you right now that I guarantee that you would. The last person to have a thought about you would be 30 years from now, and then even your memory wouldn't exist. And whatever purpose you think or thought you had is just dust in the wind. What makes you kind of smile a little bit there when you think of that? What's happening?

I guess I'm thinking of, like, the impermanence of everything and everyone and that we're just like a blip in the grand scheme of things in the universe. We're not actually as important as we think.

What's the emotion that happened, though?

That I take myself too seriously and that's a thought.

What was the emotion?

Oh, the emotion?

Some relief. Yeah. Just chill. Just chill. Like, be in that relief for a minute. Yeah. How often did you feel that relief when you were doing your business?

Almost never.

Yeah.

Occasionally I get it.

A glimpse of it.

Yeah. And what makes you not allow yourself to feel it deeply now? Even now. Even now, you're trying to feel relief, so it's not even relieving.

Yeah.

I think it's like your head. Stop it. Stop getting your head. There's this thing that you want is relief. There's maybe some thought process that if you have relief, you won't be productive or you won't have meaning or something. Something like that. But what's happening here is that you're not allowing yourself to feel the relief. Right. There's a. Like, if you even look at your face right now, there's like a. Trying to get this thing like that. But if you don't try anything just for this moment, like, there's nothing you have to do. You're 30 years from now, your last. Last person having a memory of you dies or stops thinking of you. It's over. Nothing left. Some family you don't know lives in the house behind you. Yeah.

Brings a sense of ease, effortlessness.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you had a thought. You had this. And then you went.

Yeah.

What was it like? How do I keep this? What was the thought?

Yeah, I think the thought was how to live more effortlessly.

Right. That's effort. But how did you just do it.

Just now?

Or how have I been just now? How did you just have less effort?

I think it was smiling and letting go of the need to be doing something all the time.

Yeah, yeah. But let's not do anything for a minute. Just a minute. Your job is really not to do anything. And still there's some like, knot. What's that knot in you? Like feeling your belly and chest like, what's the knot? What are you, what are you protecting yourself from?

I think there's a lot of anger that's still pent up around the divorce in a. I'm not letting that come out in a healthy way. I think it's, it's still repressed in me. And, and I feel like I have this constant state of vigilance. Like at any time the rug could get pulled out from under me. And unless I'm staying on top of things.

Oh, yeah. Just to be clear, that's absolutely what's going to happen. The rug is definitely going to pull. I mean, it's called light for a reason. That's why. Absolutely. And see, look. And as soon as you. Wait, wait, wait. As soon as, as you thought that again, the smile, again, the relief, what's up? You think, oh, I might not even exist in 30 years. Relief. Oh, the rug is definitely going to get pulled. Relief. Yeah. I think I'm getting signed to avoid. When you allow it, relief. So don't avoid your anger.

I would definitely describe myself as a conflict avoidant person.

Yeah. So don't avoid your anger right now, this moment, right now. Don't avoid your anger. Don't try to repress it. Don't hold it back. Just allow yourself to be fucking angry for a minute. Don't try to be angry. Just allow yourself to be fucking pissed. Yeah. What does your anger want to say?

I think it wants to say this is unfair.

Wait, wait. I don't care what you think it wants to say. It's anger. It doesn't think. What does it want to say? What's your anger?

This is unfair.

Yeah, right. It is unfair. Absolutely. God damn lutely.

I didn't ask for this. No, you didn't want this.

Name one thing that's fair. Well, that tree got planted. Not fair. Where that house got built. Not fair. The people who built that house weren't treated fairly. The fact that I called you. Not fair. Could have been calling Catherine if I called you. Nothing's fair, man. How much of that repressed anger is what your business? Sure.

It had an effect on it, just like it had an effect on the relationship.

Yeah, yeah. What makes you repress it? Do you have a dad who was abusive or something? What Makes you repress it. Oh.

Will's share was really powerful for me. I was crying while Will was talking because I had a mom who was very critical. I have a mom who's very critical and didn't really let me express the full range of emotions. Some emotions were okay and some were not okay. And I think anger was one of those that wasn't encouraged.

How much are you describing your wife right now and your mother?

My wife could get very angry.

No. Could she accept yours? Could you accept your full range of emotions? Was she critical?

Yeah, there's definitely a parallel there. I think she. She had her own control issues, manipulation tactics.

Yeah. Okay. So I just want to see what it looks like if you just fucking yell for. Just fuck. Fucking. So I want you to do basically, like, fuck you. It's not fucking fair, you motherfucker. Fuck you. I fucking worked all those fucking years and. And just when we had enough money, you went off and you left me. When we're supposed to. This is the time when we're supposed to re build you. Like, I want that. Whatever your version of that is. I don't know if that's even close to true for you, but I just want your version of that. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Come on.

The neighbors are going to wonder what's going on here.

You're gonna tell me you had an acting class. You're in an acting class. It's okay. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. Fuck. I'm gonna help you out. I just want everybody to just raise your hand if you're good with him, with Nate being angry for a bit, like. Yeah, so you've got full support here. So just 30 seconds, one minute of just being angry.

All right? I worked for the last eight years on this business, and then you walk out, you're taking half the money.

You, you, you. Yeah, you.

Yeah.

We were building a life together. We were gonna buy a house together. I wanted to be with you, and you're walking out on me. Fuck you. You wanted to be an entrepreneur. You wanted to do a business, but I didn't see you making an effort. I didn't see you putting in the time. You took advantage of what we had here, and this is how you repay me?

Yeah, just feel the. Now just. I know this is a weird thing to ask, but just go to the relief.

Feels good to say it.

Yeah.

I haven't dared say this to her face because I'm still in the divorce process.

You don't even need to say it to her face. That's not the point. The Point is that you get to express it. People with repressed anger stagnate. They get depressed. They often have heart attacks. They have heart attacks. They burn out. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you. Everything that you're avoiding, the being forgotten, the lack of purpose, the anger, the. The. There was one other that I can't remember right now. All of those create relief. Everything you're avoiding when you go there creates relief. So you have resistance, which is what you started off with. It was like, you have resistance. So go right into it right now. Go, like, just step, like, somatically, take your whole body and step into that resistance even further. This is your job. This is the relief you're looking for. And it's always found by stepping into the thing you're resisting. All right, Nate, thank you. Pleasure.

You're welcome.

Yeah. Okay, let's say. Oh, my gosh. Well, I'm not gonna pick somebody who's not there. That's clear. Let's see what we got. Lorraine. Simon. Do I have time? How much time do I have? Sarah, what are we looking at?

You've got about 20 minutes left.

Oh, great. Lorraine.

Hello?

Hey, how you doing? Where are you located, Lorraine?

I'm in Newport Beach, California.

Newport beach, wow.

Thank you for calling me. So what I want to ask is, what is my fear with. On why I can't take action or follow through on my tasks or do things for other people, but I can't do it for myself?

You're currently doing something for yourself.

Yeah. It's scary. My heart.

Currently doing two things. You're taking. You're taking a course. That's something that you're doing for yourself, and you raised your hand and you took somebody else's slot from them.

Okay, I guess I'll go deeper. Is because I've been off and on with jobs the last 10 years, and I can't stay stable in a. In a job taking on a lot of stress from other people. But I. I can't find, like, what it is that will get me going. Like, I feel so, you know, dense in life right now, and I can't seem to. You know, I have so many ideas, and I give them to people, but I can't seem to execute anything for myself. I don't. I don't know what it is. I feel like my hands are tied when it comes to executing something for myself.

Do you mean, like, start your own business, or do you mean, like, if you have a job that's for yourself? Like, you don't take a job.

Yeah. I guess even going into a job, I go into it and I lose myself into, like, I. I will pass up promotions or just to keep the culture good. Like, I. I just, like, lose myself. Like, I don't come in fully 100 of who they hired initially in the interview. Like, I can. I can interview very well, but I got you.

So who. Who do you lose yourself to?

To other people.

Other people. For what reason?

Make them comfortable. To make them feel good.

Yeah. And how long does it take them to be resentful of you?

I guess it varies, but. Yeah.

So you lose yourself in making somebody comfortable, and it ends up making them resent you.

Yeah.

Do you have children?

Yes.

How's that working out with your kids?

It's interesting.

You have a daughter.

Yeah.

How old is she?

15.

Oh, yeah. I bet. It's interesting. Yeah. What makes you. What makes you manipulate your daughter so that you can feel comfortable?

I'm having a hard time taking that in.

I know.

What.

You've got this good story. You've got this good story about how you lose yourself to make everybody else comfortable.

Yeah.

But you're making other people comfortable so that you can be comfortable. Oh, that means you literally are. Yeah. Yeah. There we go.

Can you say that one more time so I can really receive.

I think you're receiving it. You're doing just fine. I. What I said was that you're. You've got a good story, and the story is I lose myself to make everybody comfortable, but you're really making everybody comfortable so that you can feel safe. So that you can feel comfortable.

Oh.

And your daughter's resentful of that manipulation.

Yeah.

I actually noticed when I am in, like, when I'm not doing that, I can. She will say something for me to get out of whatever it is. Like, I didn't. I couldn't name it or I couldn't tell what was going on, but I could totally see it when I'm doing that, because she'll say something and I'm like, wait, wait, wait. Maybe I'm not being, like, true to myself and I'll come back to it. But, yeah, she doesn't like it.

Yeah. So take a look at all those jobs now and notice that it was all selfish behavior.

Oh, wow.

It was all so that you could.

Feel safe, so I could feel safe. And so it's going back to myself and asking, why don't I feel safe and how can I feel safe right now?

Just feel the fact that all of that behavior that you called losing yourself was just Selfish behavior. Just let it in for a second.

Yeah. I could feel it in my throat. I feel really bad. I was so selfish.

Yeah.

I feel a little guilt and shame that I even went there or that I was doing that.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah.

It could be that simple.

It's that simple.

Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, we're not done yet. I want you to now look at that. Take one of those job scenarios, look around and see if you can find anybody else who also wasn't trying to do things so that they would feel good and comfortable.

Oh, wow. Can you say that again?

Yeah, yeah. Take one of those job scenarios, look around at all the people in that job and notice if there's not any one of them that isn't doing the same thing you're doing, which is being selfish. Trying to create a world where they feel safe and comfortable.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Yeah.

And so. So how do I like. Because, you know, there's that mirroring that you want to do sometimes to. To. To. To belong. And so you're in that and. Yeah. And that's kind of what was happening in my last job. They were all mirroring me, and it was just crazy.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's how it. Yeah. There's only one place you can belong. There's only one place where you can belong.

Yes.

And it's. It's to yourself. You asked the question, why can't I do anything for myself? And we've discovered you've been doing it for yourself the whole time.

So what would you say is the real question behind all of this?

That's wonderful. Why would I say. The real question is, what makes you keep on playing a safety game that doesn't work?

Wow.

You're playing a game to feel safe, and it hasn't worked your entire life. Well, so let me ask you. The question is, what do you actually need to do to feel safe?

I guess feel comfortable in my body and feel comfortable with what is coming up in other people.

Go to the safety. Go to the natural sense of safety that you have right now. The safety that allows you to cry in front of all these people. The safety that allowed you to ask this question. The safety that's letting you go into the abyss of the unknown as we talk. It's there. You couldn't have done this without that sense of safety. And now ask answer from that place. What do you need to do to feel safe? What's the safety game you get to play and win.

I Guess maybe it's to feel, to know that it's okay. That I'm worthy to belong here. That like I, I feel like I'm constantly trying to prove my worth. To be here, to be, to exist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. So show me that.

Show you that?

I mean, you're. You feel like you belong here enough to be able to cry. You feel like you're belong here enough to be able to take this time. You feel like it doesn't seem like this one's a problem.

Yeah. I don't know. I feel confused.

Yeah. And yet still feel safe. How strange is that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I guess maybe it's. There's so much hyper vigilance on the other person outside of me.

And you every time you say, I guess you're in your past. Oh, like right now. What do you have to do to win the safety game in this moment?

Oh.

I don't feel like I have to do anything. I feel like.

There we go. Yeah. Yeah. As a matter of fact, the doing of is what makes you feel unsafe.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Thank you. Can you say that one more time so I can really.

I, I. You said I don't have to do anything to feel safe and I said yeah, exactly. It's in fact the doing of things to try to feel safe is what makes you feel unsafe.

Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. It's been a pleasure. Good to see you. Good to be with you.

Thank you.

Sarah. Do I have time for another? Are we done?

Let's see, we've got about 12 minutes left on the clock. A little bit less. I know some of you probably have really tight calendars, so there's just a couple of things I want to flag for you if you have been enjoying today's session and you're interested in exploring. Exploring more with us. I know Johnny put a link to a landing page we've designed especially for your community and to kind of welcome you and give you an invitation to our community that is in your calendar. Invite, but I'll drop the link. Oh, please, beat me to it. You're so quick. But yeah, we do, we do a lot of these types of exercises, one on one and breakout rooms where we practice this mindset that, that Joe's exemplifying here. And then we also finish our course. Course, our next upcoming course, the connection course with a Q A that's very similar to this one with Joe as well. And we've got a beautiful community we've already had some people mention in the chat, their experience with that course. But it would be a joy to spend more time with you all.

And if you. If you want to know the exercises, I think there's. Do we have an AOA 101 happening, Sarah?

Let's see. We have a public Q A and rapid coaching with you on November 7th.

Joe.

And then Tara, the co founder of the business, is running a gratitude workshop a little bit later in November, I believe on the 17th. And I'll drop a link to the page where you can see those upcoming workshops as well. But you can explore a little bit more of what it's like to work with us and do some of our experiments live.

Okay, so we have time for one more. I'm gonna. Daniel, how's it going?

Yeah, I'm good, thanks. So, okay, now I placed. Yeah. We'll ask you a different question than the one that I submitted, which is, Daniel, where.

Where are you from?

I'm from Germany, but I live in Portugal.

Portugal. All right. Okay.

So I'm 35 years old. 30 years ago, my father died and he was 35 when he died. As of a few months ago, I'm older than he was and he died of a heart condition that he passed on to me, though being monitored and everything, it's actually not a very big deal. So I'm not really in any physical danger or anything like that. And I tend to live my life in a way where I kind of seek security while constantly wanting to do other things. Like I constantly prevent myself from doing the things that I actually want out of an idea of security, even though I don't actually think there's anything to be particularly careful about.

So what's the question?

Well, I guess the question is how to actually do the things that I want to do.

What's more secure, Portugal or Germany?

Like this. Germany.

So I'm confused.

Let me. Let me adjust.

What's more secure. Keeping your hand down or raising your hand and asking me a question. What's more secure?

Modify my question. Sorry.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna let you do it quite yet. What's more secure? Taking nervous system mastery or not taking nervous system mastery?

I'm not doing it.

Okay, so clearly there's some counter examples. So what's the. What's the question? What's. What's your new frame on the question?

Okay, so you caught me. Actually, I did a lot of quite interesting stuff.

Yeah.

But I think I cut it short on every case. I never went to 100% or maybe even 80% of the things I went to maybe like 50%. I did the things without going all the way.

Well, then we should really stop talking right now because you're telling me we're only going to go to 50%. I should go pick someone who should do 100.

Well, I mean, that's. That's the question. I'm hoping you can get me to another.

I can.

I'm not.

I. I don't. I don't control people. You want to go to 100%? Show me.

Oh, try it.

I mean, no, try. Show me. Show me you at a hundred percent.

Well, I mean, I guess by raising my hand and asking and being.

You just said I guess. Pretty confident, I guess isn't 100%.

Okay. I mean, by. By engaging with you here, I'm just.

Right now, in this moment, show me what a hundred percent looks like.

I'm not sure.

So that's the thing that you use to stop yourself from showing up 100%. You go to uncertainty.

Maybe it's uncertainty. What I also think is I spent a year and a half or so talking to a therapist, and I got intellectually closer to it.

And you're talking right now intellectually, and I'm asking you to just be 100%. Don't. Don't hedge. Don't go 50% with me. Like right now. Be 100%.

Okay.

What happened? What was the difference?

I stopped trying to push it and I just accepted it, in a sense, and just sit back a little bit more in my chair and breezed and.

Yeah, yeah. So I want. Go back there for me. Go back to that place where you're 100%, but I want you to keep on traveling in that direction for a while. I just assume there's no ending there. Just keep going in that direction. No, trying. It's a. It's like gravity. Right?

You caught me there.

There's a. There's a spaciousness. Do you see that spaciousness? Yeah.

It feels like expansiveness. It goes into this direction, like 45 degrees.

Yeah. Great. How is that different than the death you're trying to avoid?

Is different, but I don't know how.

Take time.

I don't know how to phrase it.

Explore it for a minute. Yeah. And now imagine the death you're trying to avoid. See what that's like?

I think it's more the avoiding than the actual thing.

Yeah. Well seen. Yeah.

And how do I carry that now from just sitting in the chair to being in the world and interacting with others?

How do you. You're asking me how do I continue to be alive? There's no answer to that question. 100%. You knew how to do it. It's spacious, it's big, and it's a lot like death.

So why don't I always do it if I know how to do it?

Great question. No trying. The answer will come. Just sit. You were really beautifully saw that. The. To be there. 100%. There was no trying. The question how do I keep it is a form of trying.

I wonder what I'm trying to avoid.

Yeah. So you don't have to wonder, just feel it. There's something right at this exact moment in your somatic experience that you're trying to avoid. Go into it, find it. Go ahead.

I'm trying to avoid the relaxation. I feel some tension in my body.

Great to jump into that abyss. That thing that's rhymes with death. That void that. Yeah. Look at that. That's how you do it five times a day, ten times a day. Find that thing and jump. And let's just double check. Go there for a minute, hang out, don't do anything. And what happens to that sensation? Like you're not living all the way. That thought process, like what happens when you're actually in that spaciousness?

It's gone at that time.

Yeah.

And I also feel the impetus that with this expensive directionality, I can actually do it.

That's it. Yeah. What a pleasure. Thank you very much.

Thanks, Joe. Thank you.

Okay, well, that was fun. Thank you, everybody. I can't see or hear anybody. Sarah.

I'm not driving this one, unfortunately. Joe.

Okay.

Beautiful, Joe. Thank you. Thank you so, so much. And thank you to everyone who had the courage to raise your hand and ask questions.

Thank.

That was a really, really beautiful session. And thank you for the support in the comments as well. It felt so, so rich. I could really, really feel the support here. So let's end with everyone unmuting themselves and saying, thank you so much. Joe Hudson.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Joe Hudson. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, everybody. Thank you.