Resilience, Recovery, and Moving Forward: A Conversation with Lee Woodruff

Welcome to the Living to 100 Club Podcast. Here's our host, Dr. Joseph Casciani.

Well, hello to all of our listeners today joining us on our podcast. You're listening to one of our Successful Aging episodes this month on the Living to 100 Club program, and I'm your host, Joe Casciani. On each program, our conversations educate and inspire, helping you get the best out of all the years we're given, regardless of what obstacles come our way. You can learn more about my club at my website. Be sure to take a look at my new training and activities manual, Better, Longer, Longer and Happier: A Guide to Aging with Purpose and Positivity. It's a series of 12 modules in a card deck format developed for activities directors at senior living communities. Visit my website livingto100.club/blh. Now on to today's program. In this episode of the Living to 100 Club podcast, we sit down with Lee Woodruff, acclaimed author, speaker, and co-founder of the Bob Woodruff Foundation. Lee's life was changed forever 19 years ago when her husband, ABC News journalist Bob Woodruff, was severely injured while covering the Iraq War. Her bestselling book, In an Instant, captured the raw emotions of grief, shock, and resilience in the aftermath of that life-altering event. While Lee has shared this story many times, in today's conversation, we delve deeper into the lessons learned on how to move forward after a traumatic experience. We also explore Lee's ongoing work with the Bob Woodruff Foundation an organization dedicated to helping injured veterans and their families. First, a little background. A popular speaker and the author of 3 bestselling books, journalist Lee Woodruff's distinctive voice comes from the heart. Whether she's sharing wisdom about the healthcare journey and recovery or speaking candidly about life and family, she draws on her experiences to connect with the audience. She's also a monthly contributor to AARP's caregiving column. Lee also runs a consulting business that helps clients become more effective interview subjects and dynamic communicators during speeches and presentations. Lee, a warm welcome to you today. Thank you very much.

Yeah, thanks for having me. Happy to be here.

Yeah, great. No, you're welcome. I always like to open by asking our guests to tell us a little bit about the highlights that brought you to where you are today. You cover a lot of territory in your professional career and your personal life, but maybe the highlights that brought you to where you are today.

That is a broad and sweeping question, and so I would answer it the exact way that I answer the occupation blank box in any doctor's office and just say mother. I would say that being a mother to our 4 kids, while challenging at times, is probably going to be my greatest achievement. So, yeah.

Okay.

Everything else is gravy.

Yeah, of course. That's, that's kind of the umbrella that covers everything. So your book, In an Instant, has touched so many lives. How is sharing your story repeatedly over the years impacted you personally?

It's exhausted me. It's exhausting to continually tell your story. I'm being much more selective about it. It's, uh, it'll be 19 years.

Yeah.

And the only reason that I'm still doing it is that, uh, stories connect people and they help people cope with their own issues in life. And because of the Bob Woodruff Foundation, which I know we're gonna talk about a little bit later, sure, uh, I have the opportunity to remind remind people that those who have served and continue to serve— and we're not seeing wars front and center with troops coming back injured, so we— that's not a reason to forget these young men and women who are aging, um, with injuries and whose lives have been forever changed. So that's how I kind of keep going, because I'm so sick of hearing myself talk.

Yeah, well, it's— when we spoke earlier, it is a process, right? I mean, you're You've been through a lot of that trauma and grief and resolution and now moving on to what's next. How do we recover and how do we continue to move on with a positive spirit?

Yeah. And I do think that there's something to telling your story, the story of the trauma over and over again, that I think eventually people just have to move on because it's— you've moved on in your own life. And here's this prescribed speech or speaking opportunity or webcast or whatever, where you're going to talk about it again. And it's not that it sets you back. In any way, but it's— you— there's a part, I think, after a while where you don't want to be defined by that thing.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. There's always a— I think the opportunity to see what's next, what have I learned, and how have I grown from this experience. And that's— I think that's the important part. That's what you're talking about, I think. So what are some of the, the key factors that helped you and your family navigate that initial shock and grief after Bob's injury?

Yeah, you know, I talk a lot about this, and it was hindsight that I realized, um, that there were 4 main legs of my stool, and they all started with an F. So I— if I boil those down really simply, the things that supported us during that time and, and beyond, uh, and still today, and probably many and people in your audience will relate to this no matter what, whether it's been a really difficult thing or tragedy. But family is the first F. So I have 2 sisters and Bob has 3 brothers, and they were there along with his parents every step of the way. Friends do amazing things when the hard thing happens, from bringing meals to giving kids rides places or whatever, whatever's needed. The third F is faith. And everybody has a different concept of whether it's faith or spirituality or whatever, whatever. And nothing prescriptive there. Some people have no faith. And by that I mean in a prescribed way, but maybe they go out in nature and that's the way that they sort of meditate or find their center or become calm. So that was a big aspect. And then the fourth F is really funny because you have to keep a sense of humor through something tragic. Gallows humor is a real thing. And it was invented, I believe, because if you can put something in a box and you can feel like you have control over the bad thing, then having control over something when you feel out of control is a really nice tool to have in your pocket.

Yeah. Yeah. Important ingredients. I can see that. And funny, uh, it's a little bit, uh, irreverent sometimes to—

Absolutely. Always irreverent. I'm always irreverent, so I will keep it clean on this podcast. But yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Yeah. So really good, ingredients there. I could see that family and, you also were raising your children, right? During this difficult time over 19 years and, children coped, I'm sure, but, it was very stressful on everyone. Yeah.

Yeah. And I think we had, our kids were different ages. They were 14 and 12 and then 5 and 5. So different information flow and level of information for different kids.

Yeah.

And trying not to give kids too much information, only what they would ask. I sort of learned that early on. Just because they ask a question doesn't mean you have to answer it from A to Z. And you keep it short, you keep it tight, and you let them know that you're, you're okay for the most part. You can be sad and you can be angry and you can have all those emotions. They need to see that those are real. But without getting in the weeds and making— I think there are certain ages where young children feel responsible for caring for you, and that was a place that I didn't want to be.

Yeah, yeah, to be strong but also vulnerable and to reassure them that you're there for them and their own, you know, thoughts and worries and fears.

Yeah.

So, um, I know resilience is a big theme in your story. We hear a lot about resilience, and I, you know, I believe we all have some degree of resilience inside, even though we feel it's gone or it's used up or it's not accessible. And— you know, we call it resilience. I think it's spirit or energy or grit, whatever we want to call it. How is that— how has that affected you, and what advice would you give to others facing similar life-altering events from a resilient point of view? I mean, how does the resilience come into the picture?

It's such an interesting question because it is such a buzzword today, and people talk about building it as a muscle, and I don't know that I would be able to prescribe how one does that, because you certainly wouldn't want to have multiple tragedies to make your muscles stronger. Yeah, I think for me it was, um, when Bob— when I first got the news, there was a physical component to that. So I, I got off, you know, any kind of alcohol, not that I was a big drinker, but I knew that those were things that would slow me down. Uh, I started eating extremely healthy. I've always been a decent eater, but I just really just you know, kept to protein and vegetables and things that would fuel me. Um, gave up caffeine, interestingly enough. Not sure why, but, um, did that. So there was that aspect of the resilience that if I could keep my physical body strong, you know, the mind-body connection. And then, uh, I, I guess the only way I can describe— well, first of all, you find out what you're made of when something happens instantly. You find out what kind of person you are in terms of responding. And then, um, I think making mental notes of mood changes. So for example, I would in the darkest days maybe laugh with somebody in the family or have a moment and think, okay, there you were, you just laughed. You will do that again. You may not feel that way right now, but you will not feel this way forever. This is not a sustainable emotion and it will, it will have to get better. And better doesn't necessarily mean that he's going to heal and be exactly who he was. But better is you will ultimately get to a place where you have to process this and you have to move through this because you have a life and you have 4 children. So that's not going to work for everybody, but for me, I was taking mental snapshots of feeling better at times and reminding myself that this would be a slow process, but that this would happen. Even God forbid, if Bob died, then you go to the lowest place there is, and, and all you can do is come back from it. Staying there isn't really an option.

Yeah, yeah, it is all about adapting, I think, whatever comes along. And there are different ways to adapt and adjust. But yeah, so that's some good advice— physically taking care of yourself, mentally taking care of yourself, um, and, you know, having that, uh, belief that you can make it through this. And yeah, we're going to hit, uh, tough, tough hurdles. And I say there's always going to be challenges and potholes in life. It's never a smooth road. So yeah, we, we come to grips and we continue to move on. Can you talk about the process of finding a new normal? I mean, I, I take it Bob is now pretty much recovered, as I recall you're saying. He's, um, if you don't mind my calling him Bob. And was there a new normal, you know, coming to grips with all of this.

And yes, I— if you talk to anybody who's had a head trauma in their family, there are very few people who return exactly the way they were. So Bob would tell you that he, you know, has aphasia. So he'll search for the word from time to time. And he's just— he's so guileless about it. It's kind of wonderful. He'll just say, oh, that's my brain injury, can't find the word. But he's such a smart guy, he can often find the synonym. So, um, I, I think it's, it's accepting the things that are different. That's probably the difference between someone who's got a, a good recovery and not. I think there are people who won't accept that there are changes. It's a little bit like aging. You see people like, I can't believe I can't ski like that anymore. Well, no, you're 70 years old. Of course you can't. Um, and so I think acceptance is a huge part of this, but he, I mean, he really has recovered miraculously.

Yeah, yeah, that's great. And, um, I know we want to talk about the Bob Woodruff Foundation. Can you tell us about this? How did you happen to get it started, and what's the, what's the mission?

Yeah, so back in 2006 when this happened, uh, the word, the letters TBI meant nothing to me and most Americans, and that's because Uh, soldiers with these kinds of injuries in previous wars didn't survive. So I've been told so frequently that if Bob had had the injury he had and it had been Vietnam, or even, you know, 6 years earlier, he probably would have passed away. Um, and honestly, his injury was so severe that at the time, if there had not been as empty an ER as there was, uh, they would have done, you know, what's called triage, obviously. So they would have put him to the back of the line because he looked least able to survive. And so he might might have just died that way. He just happened to have a, a moment where there was a break. So, uh, visiting him in the, in the military hospital when we got back from Germany to Washington, there were many young men— it was mostly young men at the time— who were on the brain injury ward. And looking and meeting their families and looking at, at them and looking at the sacrifice that the families made to get to the bedside. So whether that was a job that was only going to give them 5 days leave, or someone had to leave the kids behind and looking at all of the blessings that we had from Bob being a reporter, having the backing of ABC and Disney, who owns ABC, and being able to have children flown in and relatives flown in and all of the things that one would hope one would get when you were injured on the job, which is what Bob was. We just looked around and we thought, these folks are getting the same care Bob is. But when they leave this hospital, this acute care hospital, and they go back to Wisconsin or Nevada or, you know, Florida, their VA hospital may be a 3-hour drive away, and that burden is going to be hard. So we just said, if Bob recovers the way that we want and hope, we need to do something with our story because we got such a ridiculous amount of attention for, you know, Bob being injured and all of that. And it just felt like when you can use your story to do something and help somebody else, that was important. So we started the foundation. We wrote a book, as you said, and went on book tour and traveled around the country. And I— both of us are journalists, so we were also covering this issue. And people just started handing us $20 bills and saying, make sure this gets to a soldier. Yeah. So that was super powerful. And we quickly kind of scrambled and set up a foundation. And here it is, almost 19 years later. We have an annual event in New York called Stand Up for Heroes, which will be November 11th this year. But we have raised and given away over $100 million to grassroots organizations and some bigger organizations as well that are helping that injured vets and their families as they return to the home front. And the 3 areas that we focus on now, and we have, you know, complete eyes on these grants. So we want to make sure that everybody's carrying out, you know, what they're supposed to do. But it's really in the area at the moment of, excuse me, of suicide prevention and trauma. There's suicide rates unacceptable. And then caregiver support, because the families and the children, if they're not being cared for, um, to give the oxygen, as the saying goes, to that injured service member, then that's not going to do anybody any good. Um, and the third area is really on skills, helping somebody who can't go back into the military because of their injuries. How can we help them find a, a new purpose in life, whether that's a job or something sort of nonprofit? So those, those are the 3 main buckets.

Sure. Yeah. That's an amazing, huge amount of money. Well, over $100 million.

It is amazing.

Yeah. 20 years, 19 years. Well, it hasn't been that long, I'm sure, but close to it. Yeah.

We're really proud of that amount. And we always say no amount is too small. So we have some corporate sponsorships, but you know, we'll get a check-in for, 20 bucks, and those are just as valuable as, you know, anything. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, so interesting that from that position of feeling, um, special treatment or almost privileged treatment initially because of Bob's affiliation with the network and all that, that it helped you to see there, in contrast, there may be other people who don't have that access to all this special care and easy access to hospitals. So that's, that's the genesis of this then. And it's, it's grown in such a miraculous way. That's terrific. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it's, you know, you can't rewind the tape, and if you could, you probably would. So what can you do? And I think that's part of the resilience piece you asked about earlier, too, is what, what can you do with your story, your time, your talent, your treasure to leave the world a little better than you found it, I guess. Because just— and there's nothing wrong with taking your toys and going home too. And I always say that if Bob hadn't recovered so well, I don't know that I would be able to be so vocal, so out there, you know, dedicating this much, much time to something if he weren't as well as he is. So we got the privilege of doing that.

Yeah, we don't know that, of course.

We don't. Yeah, we don't.

But yeah. Wow. Well, kudos to you. Gold stars for that. That's, um, that's just a major contribution. And any idea how many families you've helped? Or—

I should know this. I'm so bad at remembering the stats. You know, tens and tens of thousands.

Really? Yeah.

Um, in some tangential way, like it might not have been directly. I'll tell you one of the, the most eye-opening things to me which I don't know why it was eye-opening, but during the pandemic, most all of our— because we're a granting organization and we, you know, get involved, as I said, with those grants, but it also allows us to pivot. So we can, you know, if funds need to be directed somewhere, it's not like we've built some building and we all have to do X or Y or Z. So we were able to immediately pivot during COVID because the largest issue facing military families during that time was food insecurity, if you can imagine. So we turned the spigot off some other things and directly on just making sure families had enough to eat, which is a sad comment on where we are with many of our military veterans. Yeah.

Yeah. So you have the versatility to refocus wherever the needs seem to emerge greater, greatest. Yeah. That's great, that's great. Yeah, so, um, you know, I, I think this is, um, important information for our listeners because you are juggling a lot of things. You're having to maintain a professional career, working on this enormously important foundation, raising children. How do you balance all of these things and still finding time for, for yourself and, and personal growth? I think this could be helpful to our audience.

Yeah, I, I think the most helpful thing, and I say this all the time, is there is no balance. So one day I might be doing a great job on me, and that's because I got to go to the Y and take a swim and maybe even get a massage, which I did yesterday. So I was great to me yesterday. Today I'm strapped in this chair on a lot of Zooms, so I'm not so great to me, but I'll be great to my, um, my income for this month, working, doing my paycheck work. So I think it's forgiving yourself. There is the concept of balance to me is just it doesn't exist. Are you doing the best you can that day, each day? And if you're not, that's okay too, because then you just go to bed and you wake up and you've got another day to try to get it right. I think women especially are fed this notion that there's some balance and there couldn't be there couldn't be more hats, I think, that women wear. And that's not, that's not a zero-sum game against men. I'm just saying that women who are actively in the household and working and raising kids and keeping the schedules and making the doctor's appointments and holding up all those plates, I think, often beat themselves up too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's easy to point the finger and say, I should be doing them better. And yeah, I like that idea that there is no balance, um, because things do change and there, there is that notion that, um, I think I'm doing okay, but if I'm not, I'll do better tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. Or what can I do tomorrow that I didn't do today? Or what, what did I do today that I didn't do yesterday? Always looking for a little measure of improvement, but being okay when it doesn't happen. Yeah, that's an important message.

Yeah, I think the other thing is people have different percentages of what they need. So some people just need some introvert time. You know, they need to just meditate and chill.

Yeah.

I'm one of those people that can't just sit and watch Netflix, or rarely. I need to be folding laundry at the same time or something like that. Makes me happy. I don't know why.

Okay. Okay.

So I think it's forgiving yourself, but also knowing yourself.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I'm just thinking about that monthly newsletter, not the newsletter, but the book summary that you send out. I love you. I mean, you, you must do an awesome amount of reading if you cover all those books.

So funny. I was somewhere with a bunch of writers last night and they were asking. I just, I read really, really fast. And I'm also able, you know, books come to reviewers ahead. So you usually get like a 3-month lead time. So I'll read that book and I'll do the report. And then when January comes around, I've already got 5 or so books in that month. So, well, it's still probably the math works out that it's the same amount. Um, that's something I really enjoy. Reading is a relaxer for me.

Yeah, yeah, that's your me time.

Yeah, that's my me time.

Yeah, good, good. So let's talk, uh, just touch on your consulting business. It focuses on helping others tell their stories. Um, are there some common challenges that you come across that people face when they're trying to come to groups for themselves and then share their experiences and strengths? How do you help them?

Shorter, more concise, less words. People talk too much.

People talk too much. We talk too much.

Yeah. And it's very hard to see your own story objectively. So that's why you often need an outside person. But, um, concise wins the day. Brevity. Um, think about advertising repetition too. Um, but I think the person that can tell the short impactful story wins. Our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter.

Oh, sure. Yeah, we want immediate relief.

Do it in 15 instead of 30, you win.

Yeah, yeah, I like that. So the verbose, outspoken person who goes on and on isn't necessarily the most effective one, right?

You're on paragraph 4, we're on our phones, is what I said.

Yeah, well, that's great, that's great. Okay, um, Just, just to look at wrapping up here, moving on after trauma is easier said than done. So what mindset shifts have been the most helpful for you in moving forward? I know we touched on them, but maybe just to recap, what, what's helped you to move forward and keep opening new doors in your future?

I think it is that sense that whatever bad day you're having, there'll be a good day. And again, I've lived long enough. I'm 64 years old. I've had enough good days, bad days chased by good days, good days chased by bad days to just be able to tell myself, hold on and you'll feel better. And there are so many things at this stage in life that are scary. You start seeing people die and in everything from cancer to heart attacks to— I mean, my gosh, we just had two friends who just took falls and ended up with pretty serious head injuries. So you feel your own mortality. And that's a scary thing. And you were sort of fed these golden years kind of philosophy, which is, you know, bullcrap in so many ways. Not that the years can't be bright and beautiful, but there, there's so many aspects to aging that are still shocking, right? That, oh my gosh, I can't do that anymore, or, oh, my knee hurts, or, you know, I'm losing my hair. And we're in an age where we can talk about those things. And I think for women, one of the great conversations that's been opened up is the conversation around menopause because no one told anybody anything about that. And then you just hit your own version of it and, you know, have some silent fresh hell of your own. And I love seeing the fact that younger women are talking about these issues. And I think that's the beauty of where we are now and recognizing that people in this stage of life have wisdom and wisdom to share.

Yeah. Yeah. It's so easy to focus on what's wrong and getting lost in those, as you say, the bad days, and things just are terrible and they're never going to improve. And, you know, we can always find the good things too. We can always find what's right. And it's so easy to focus on what's missing, what's wrong, what I don't have, what I can't do. Let's focus on what we do have, what we can do, what's still good for us. So I think that's important. I had a I was doing a call once with a group of seniors, and one of the gentlemen said, you know, I hear a lot about these golden years, golden years, this golden years that. And I keep waiting for the golden years. I don't see them yet.

Yeah.

So I thought for a second, I said, you know, I said, you've got to be the golden years, whatever, whatever you think those golden years, you've got to be it. Don't wait for it to come knocking at your door because you've got to go after it. And find those things that offer you that inspiration and energy and, you know, feelings of golden years, whatever it is, because it's different for everybody. And so many people, I think, kind of sit back and wait for—

totally—

somebody to knock on the door and say, here I am, I'm gonna— yeah. So interesting.

No, I, I think, I think you just said something really important. We need to go out and make our own golden years. And whether that's trying something new, reconnecting with old friends, making new ones, There's so many opportunities that we can take advantage of, but we can't just be sitting there waiting for it to happen because it will pass us by.

Yeah, you're so right. You're so right. We have to take that initiative. It's not going to happen unless we do that. Yeah. So looking back on the past 19 years, what's the most significant lessons you've learned and personally and professionally and how they shaped who you are today?

You know, I think it's that couple of things. It's— there's no glide period. I think I was also raised with this feeling of, you know, you get through your 20s and then once you're kind of settled and you know who you are and you're married and you have your kids, like, life will— certainly not life will have no problems and life will be just fine. But just the sense that there is no one great decade. You know, again, it's that you make your decade and you— if you look at things in 10-year increments, you're probably going to fail because they're a lot of little and big, good and bad things that happen throughout life. And then I think the other big lesson is just recognize those small moments of gratitude. It's so easy to get lost in what we don't have. But when you just— I mean, for me, it's walking, gardening, walking outside and picking some of my red tomatoes and just feeling like I grew these from seed. And I'm going to just feel really grateful that I get to go home and eat one of my tomatoes tonight. You know, I have a friend who is very philanthropic, and she's, she's someone I admire. And it's not a new concept, but it, but it bears reminding us all is there's so many things we go through life, and we maybe don't feel like doing it in that moment, or we feel slightly burdened. So for anybody who's caring for an elderly parent, and for me, and my mother passed away a year ago, but up to that point, it was a 3+ hour drive to go see her. And the day would come and I was excited to see her. But the idea of a 6-hour round trip because I would need to get back for the kids or whatever. And you can just sort of feel yourself not being, you know, excited for whatever the traffic between New York and Boston. So this friend said the way that she frames things like that is not, I have to go see my mother, but I get to see my mother because she won't be here for a lot longer. And so this is what— this is one of those moments that I need to reframe for myself. And that's been really helpful for me to think about how to reframe the opportunity to do these things because the sands are running down. And I don't— I'm not sitting around crying about the fact that, you know, all these years have passed. I've had great years and not every year has been, you know, not, not everybody would look at my life and say, you've had a great life. But I have. To me, I have.

Yeah. Yeah. Half full or half empty, right? I mean, an 8-ounce glass with 4 ounces of water is both half full and half empty. So you decide.

That's right. Yeah, it's how you look at it.

We're looking at the same thing. Yeah, I like that expression. It's not that we have to, it's just that we get to do something.

Yeah, yeah, it just, it changes the way you think about those things in life, puts a different perspective on it, doesn't it? It does. And there's going to be a finite amount of times that you're going to get to do them, so try to, try to look at the upside.

Yeah, have to adds that pressure and stress, and get to means appreciation, gratitude. I'm grateful. For this opportunity. Yeah, well, great. Uh, thanks so much, Lee. Thank you very much for your insights, your, your personal experiences. Um, how can our listeners learn more about your books and the Bob Woodruff Foundation?

Well, I'm so glad you asked. You can just go to leewoodruff.com. That's my blog, and you can just subscribe to the books. And I try to have some fiction and some nonfiction, and every now and then a thriller that I think is great. So there's hopefully a choice for everyone. I, it's not something where I make any money off of. It's just sharing my passion with everyone. And then the Bob Woodruff Foundation is Bob Woodruff, which is W-O-O-D-R-U-F-F Foundation. So there's 3 Fs in a row, I know, uh, .org. And you can make a donation, you can find more about what we do, you can tell us about maybe an organization in your hometown that is doing good work that we should be poking into and learning more about. So we would love to hear from you.

Felt great. All right, thanks for sharing that. LeeWoodruff.com and, uh, thebobwoodruffoundation.org.

Yes, no the, just straight up bobwoodruffoundation.org. You got it.

Foundation.org. Thank you. So, uh, looks like we're out of time, but before we wrap up, I just want to remind my listeners, visit my website, LivingTo100.club, sign up for my email list, and download a free copy of my 9 Tips to make living longer enjoyable. And if you're affiliated with a senior living setting, be sure to look for my new training manual and activity guide, Better, Longer, and Happier. Lee Woodruff, thanks so much for being a guest on our show today. Much appreciated.

I really enjoyed it. You're a great interviewer.

Great. Well, thank you very much. And thanks to all of our listeners for tuning in. Hope to see you next time.