Rediscovering Identity - Journey Beyond Ministry

23 Apr 2025 · 3 min

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2:41

In this personal monologue, the speaker recounts the unsettling experience of stepping away from formal ministry after years of serving as a teacher, preacher, youth pastor, and worship leader. He describes the loss of his previously defined identity, the emergence of shame and social anxiety, and the realization that his self‑worth had been tied to ministerial roles. Recognizing that shame is not from Yahweh, he emphasizes trusting a spiritual process to allow Yahweh to rebuild his sense of self, grounding future identity in truth rather than past titles. Looking forward, he envisions a life centered on informal gatherings—dinner‑table conversations, podcasts, prayer rooms, homeschooling, and fellowship in barns—rather than traditional western church settings, acknowledging that this new path may feel radical and could even offend some listeners.

Chapters

I remember there was a time I was talking to my wife. I had not preached in years. I had not done a lot of things that I did in ministry for a long time. I didn't play music. I didn't sing. I didn't do all this stuff. And that was okay. But what was really scary is I felt like I was losing my personality. It was hard for me to be in a room with people. It was hard for me to hold conversations without stuttering and making a fool of myself. And feeling like this shame out of nowhere. I don't think that was from Yahweh. Shame is not from Yahweh. It's just how I interpreted where I was at. And it was really scary. That was the scariest part for me, was I was completely losing who I was. Because I believe everything that I had built myself up to be from being in ministry before I had left and gone to the wilderness, there was this misconception of who he was attached to it. If you were to ask me to define myself, I'd say, you know, I'm a teacher, I'm a preacher, I'm a youth pastor, I'm a worship leader. And the way that my mind worked, there was this, I'm earning my value attached to every attribute that I had used to build who I was. And to be completely unraveled to where I don't even know how to act anymore. I don't know how to have a friend. It's very, very scary. But if you know how to really trust the process and that you know that Yahweh is leading you to home, you will then be able to allow him to build up the pieces of who you are. And those pieces will have truth attached to them. I don't know if I'll ever preach again. I think that my future looks like a lot of dinner table table conversations or podcasts or things of that nature. I don't know if I'll ever be in a westernized church setting again. I see myself in barns and long dinner tables and in prayer rooms and in fellowshipping and homeschool and having celebrations. And I'm allowing Yahweh to define those things because it may get really radical. And here's Here's the thing, and this may, this may offend you, and this is what I'm talking about.