Kay Xander Mellish explains Danish dating culture: there's no word for "date," relationships operate in two speeds (casual or serious), and buying someone a drink signals romantic interest. Danes value directness, so ask clearly and accept a no.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. My Danish friends who are about to spend some time in the U.S. often ask me for advice about surviving American culture. And I give them all the same 2 tips. First, in the U.S., it's a good idea to be polite to police officers. Danish cops often come from the countryside and have funny rural accents, and since Danes usually don't like authority anyway, they have no problems being sarcastic and a little smartass with a police officer. That doesn't work in the States. That highway patrol lady with the mirrored sunglasses who's just caught you speeding down Route 66 is unlikely to have much of a sense of humor. If she pulls you over, say yes ma'am and no ma'am a lot, and keep your hands in view at all times so she can see you're not reaching for a gun. That's the first tip. The second tip is that should you go to a bar, It can happen that a stranger or two will offer to buy you a drink. If the stranger is of the opposite gender, or the same gender depending on the bar, that person is interested in you. Let them buy you a drink and chat with them while you drink it. If there's no chemistry, when the drink is finished, you can both go your separate ways. Now, that's a little shocking for Danes. Buying a drink is a big deal in Denmark. This is a place where a loving couple can go out for a romantic candlelight dinner and then split the bill. For Danes, buying someone a drink is a little like buying them a birthday present. Many Danes are not comfortable with a stranger making that level of commitment. In Denmark, romance is like a 2-speed bike. Speed 1 is casual sexual affairs with someone you may never see again. Speed 2 is a serious relationship where you'll be expected to go to all your partner's dull family events. There's not much of a middle, and what there definitely is not is dating. A date, a casual get-together with someone you know a little bit so you can see whether or not you have chemistry together, is a word that doesn't really translate into Danish. You could say aftale, But that's more like an appointment. You make an autéle with your dentist. And the concept of dating doesn't really translate either. A local airline just sent me a promotion promising the best date ever: a one-way ticket to Kraków, Poland for just 200 crowns. Nothing against Kraków, it's a lovely town, I've been there. But when I think of a date, I think more of dinner and a movie, or maybe a bike ride together and a picnic. Flying to Krakow is too much of a commitment. This lack of a Danish dating structure can be frustrating for foreigners. I get a lot of emails at the How to Live in Denmark website from non-Danes who have spotted a particular Dane they would like to get to know better and aren't sure how to make the first move. They're not sure that what worked in their home country will work here. For example, one guy from Asia told me that he had his eye on a woman in his office. He asked me if it would be a good idea to write her a love poem and leave it with flowers on her desk. I said no. A Danish woman would probably find that intimidating and a little scary. My advice to him was to take advantage of the office social gatherings— team lunch or Friday bar— to find out what the woman liked to do in her free time. Action movies? Art museums? Kayaking? Then he could suggest that it might be fun to do one of those things together. And because Danes love to plan in advance, he shouldn't ask the woman on Friday if she'd like to go kayaking on Saturday. He needs to plan 3 to 4 weeks in advance, and then the two of them can look through their schedules and find out a day that works for both of them. It's not very romantic, but the Danes are practical people. Of course, once he suggested this get-together, The woman knows he has an interest in her. And if she has an interest, she'll ask him out. Danish women are quite good at going after what they want in a man. So good that some Danish men have gotten a little lazy about taking the initiative. I also told my correspondent that it was fine to ask his coworker out once, and if she was too busy the first time, maybe even twice, but after that he should probably step away. And if she says no, or that she's not interested, she's really not interested. Danes are direct. There's none of this teasing, oh yes, no, maybe seductive mating dance. And you can be direct too. Once you've spent some time together outside the office, it's okay to say, I want to be your boyfriend, or I want to be your girlfriend, or that you want to be that very Danish word, kærester. Now, the Danes may not have a word for dating, but they have a much better word than we English speakers do for boyfriend or girlfriend, which, let's face it, gets a little silly once you're over age 16. Kærester is flexible. Your kærester can be any gender. Your kærester can be someone you just met last week or someone you have 3 kids with. And if you're really in love, really committed, your kærester May even be allowed to buy you a drink. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. We have some How to Live in Denmark events coming up. Odense on November 13th and Lyngby near Copenhagen on November 20th. Check out the How to Live in Denmark Facebook page for more details. Or go to howtoliveindenmark.com to leave a comment or buy the How to Live in Denmark book. See you next time!
