Kay Xander Mellish explains why Danes treat friendship as a serious, lifelong commitment with few casual acquaintances. Join clubs or find other people seeking friends, then take it slow: suggest low-key activities after weeks of regular contact, not dinner invites after one or two meetings. Danes plan 3-6 weeks ahead and treat social commitments as binding.
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Hello, and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. I was in London this week and did a little fall wardrobe shopping. I got tired after walking for a while, and it was lunchtime, so I sat down in a pub. I had a beer and a fish and chips, and a British guy next to me was also having a beer and fish and chips, so we just chatted through lunch. We talked about politics, the weather, the job market. After lunch, we waved goodbye and I went back to shopping. I never even found out his name. The reason I mention this here is that it could have never happened in Denmark. Danes don't talk to strangers. They talk to their friends. The idea of a casual lunch with someone you'll never see again makes no sense to them. Foreigners often say it's hard to make friends in Denmark. This is because Danes take friendship very seriously. A friendship is a commitment, often a lifetime commitment. You'll often meet adult Danes who have friends they met in kindergarten. As a matter of fact, this is why I chose to put my daughter in a Danish school instead of an international one. I wanted her to have those deep friendships. In some international schools, your friends are moving in and out all the time as mom and dad get transferred around the world. But for you, as a foreigner, this can be tough. Danes don't really have the idea of an acquaintance. They do have the word in bekendt. But it isn't used very often. If you were in some other countries, an acquaintance might invite you, maybe your partner, over for dinner, and then 3 months later you'd invite the acquaintance and her partner, and maybe it would continue and maybe it wouldn't. That light, no-obligation friendship— Danes don't do that. In Denmark, friendship is an obligation and a trust. Friends don't let each other down. So When a Dane meets you, he may think, he's a great guy, but I really don't have room for another friend. I have no time to see the friends I have, meaning the people he's known since he was 3 years old. Now it's September and the university students are arriving in Denmark. You guys will have it relatively easy. When you're 18 or 22, there's beer and sex and parties with loud music, all things that make it relatively easy to meet people. If you're at university, you'll find it's not that hard to make friends. But it is hard when you're an adult, when you're coming here for work or because of a Danish partner. I mean, of course you'll have your Danish partner's friends, but they don't want to hear any complaints you might have about your partner. If you have a job, you'll have your colleagues, but you'll find the relationship pretty much ends at the end of the workday, particularly if your colleagues have children. So if you're too old for parties with loud music, How do you make friends in Denmark? I tell people 2 things. First of all, look for other people who are looking for friends. Not just other expats, but Danes who didn't grow up in the town where you live. For example, I live in Copenhagen, but my Danish friends are from Odense and Aarhus and Esbjerg. They don't live near their friends from kindergarten. They're open to meeting new people. Secondly, join a club. Danes love clubs. They love what's called free-time interests. Garden clubs, running clubs, football clubs for men, dance and aerobics classes for women. And when you meet people there, don't take things too fast. Friendship is a slow-growing plant in Denmark. Don't ask anyone over for dinner the first or second time you meet them. Maybe after 3 months of seeing them once a week, then you can ask, you want to get together sometime? Probably not a dinner at your house, that's a bit heavy, but— Go to a garden show together, or to see a football match. One quirk of Danes is that they love to make plans far in advance, and they're very good about sticking to those plans. You can invite a bunch of people for dinner on a Tuesday 2 months from now at 8 PM, and although you may not see them in the meantime, they'll all turn up precisely on time. So when you invite your potential new Danish friend to get together, Don't say, hey, there's a great football match Saturday evening. Wanna go? No, he's already made plans for Saturday evening. He made those plans 3 months ago. What you have to do is pick an event that's 3 to 6 weeks away, and you can make plans in advance to go to that event together. And don't cancel unless you're sick. Social engagements are not casual in Denmark. Friendship is never casual in Denmark. The only relationship in Denmark that can be casual is a sexual one. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. Don't forget our book, How to Live in Denmark, available on Amazon for just 49 crowns. It's an ebook you can read on any phone or tablet with the free Kindle app. And if you like it, please do me a favor and write a review. It helps other people find it. You can write to us at howtoliveindenmark.com, tweet us at @howtoliveindk, or visit our Facebook page, How to Live in Denmark. Tell us what you'd like to hear us talk about. Our theme music was arranged by George Glavis. See you next week. See you next week.
