In this solo episode of the How to Live in Denmark podcast, host Kay Xander Mellish opens with the story of a Royal Life Guard who was dismissed for moonlighting as a prostitute, using the incident to illustrate Denmark’s strong cultural emphasis on privacy. Mellish explains that Danes distinguish sharply between what is considered private—personal choices, ambition, religion, and private finances—and what is public, such as a person’s age, which is openly known and tied to the social security number. She recounts personal observations of neighborly behavior: Danes often avoid initiating conversation with new neighbors, even when they are from minority backgrounds, out of a desire not to intrude on private lives. This paradox is highlighted by Denmark’s tolerance of public nudity alongside a deep respect for personal secrecy. Mellish further discusses topics that are especially private in Denmark, including ambition (viewed as socially inappropriate), religious belief (considered a private, even stigmatized matter), and sexual orientation (openly discussed, unlike religion). She reflects on how these norms can cause misunderstandings for foreigners, offering advice such as respecting silence and not probing personal matters. The episode concludes with sponsor and book promotion messages.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. Shortly before I arrived in Denmark in 2000, One of the famous guards outside the Queen's Palace at Amalienborg was fired. You've seen these guards in pictures, the Royal Life Guards. They're dressed like the British Palace Guards, only with dark blue coats instead of red. They have the same tall, black bearskin hats. It's no big secret that being in the Royal Life Guards is an excellent path to a powerful future in corporate Denmark. Anyway, the guard that was fired was special. She was the first woman to guard the royal palace at Amalienburg. There was a lot written about it in the newspapers at the time. Unfortunately, this young lady also had a part-time job. She was a prostitute. She would guard the palace by day and run her prostitution business out of the royal barracks In the evening. She found customers via escort ads in the local newspapers. So the young lady was fired, but she was not fired because she was a prostitute. She was fired because she'd been ordered by her commander to stop moonlighting after her side job was first discovered, and she did not stop. In fact, she'd been asking her soldier colleagues to drive her to her various nighttime appointments. She was fired for not following orders. The Danes I talked to didn't find this case particularly shocking. It's her private time when she's not at work, they said. She can do whatever she wants in her private time. That was my introduction to the Danish passion for privacy and protecting their private lives. The word private itself is used a lot. You'll hear Danes talking about their private economy, which means their personal finances. 2 of your colleagues may say they know each other privately, which does not mean they've seen each other without underwear. It just means they get together on weekends. Where this relates to you as a foreigner is when the Danes around you— your colleagues, your neighbors, the people sitting next to you on the Copenhagen Metro— don't want to invade your privacy. This is why They're not talking to you. Now, me as an American, let's say I saw a new, I don't know, African family move into my apartment building. I would think that was pretty interesting. I'd probably want to chat with them about where in Africa they come from and what they were doing in Denmark, maybe bring them some American cookies and see if I could get invited to a meal to taste some food from their country. But some Danes, not all Danes, but many Danes, would not chat with the African family at all. This is because they are protecting the African family's privacy. Perhaps the family doesn't want to talk. Perhaps they have a secret. In Danish eyes, it can be good manners not to disturb them or ask too many questions. The African family might, on the other hand, see this as Danish unfriendliness. And this is not just for people from ethnic minorities. I'm blonde, green-eyed, Danish-speaking, and I do not know most of my neighbors in Denmark. When they move in and out of one of the 6 apartments in my relatively small building, they don't say hello when they move in, and they don't say goodbye when they move out. I will admit here, I have resorted to Googling my neighbors— you know, the name on the mailbox— to find out who they are and why they might be using a chainsaw at 10 AM on a Saturday. 10 PM on a Saturday night. Now, you may see an irony here. You may wonder how the Danes, people who appear nude on public beaches or in daily newspapers, keep anything private at all. Well, there are some things that are private in Denmark and some things that are not. For example, age. In Manhattan, New York, where I used to live, you didn't ask women their age. And if you did, you'd probably get lied to. I used to take off about 5 or 6 years. In Denmark, everyone knows your age. It's part of your Social Security number, used for every contact with the government, even checking out library books. If you call to set up an appointment with your doctor, you'll need to give that number, which includes your birthdate, over the telephone. Your age is not private in Denmark. On the other hand, your personal choices are very private. When I lived in Hong Kong, local Chinese people I had just been introduced to would say, why aren't you married? Don't you want children? You're getting awfully old. Now, that's not the kind of stuff people in Denmark want to discuss with strangers. They also don't do much office gossip about who's sleeping with who or who's cheating on his or her spouse. That stuff is considered— Private. Private. And some things are private because they're embarrassing to Danes, like ambition. Ambition is embarrassing in Denmark because it suggests you want to be better than someone else. In an egalitarian society, that's very bad manners. A recent survey showed that 68% of Danes are not interested in being promoted at work. But maybe it's because some Danes were too embarrassed to tell the survey taker that they wanted to get ahead. Ambition is private in Denmark. Religion is another thing that is very private in Denmark. Even though Denmark is officially a Christian country, and the queen is the head of the state church, to be openly Christian or talk about Jesus or being saved is considered bad manners. It will make most Danish people very uncomfortable. Many Danes see religion as sort of a security blanket for backward, uneducated people. This is one of the many reasons that Danes have so much trouble understanding their Muslim minority. Speaking of religion, my Danish friends have a lot of contempt for the Bible Belt in the U.S., where people loudly declare their religious fervor, But if you're, say, gay, you're expected to hide it, keep it to yourself. In Denmark, if you're gay, you can tell everybody. But if you're religious, particularly deeply religious, you're expected to hide it, keep it to yourself. That kind of thing is private. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. We're sponsored this week by AmericanVoice.dk. If you're looking for an English voiceover for your video, Contact us at americanvoice.dk. Music arranged by George Garvis. See you next week. Remember, the How to Live in Denmark book is available for download on amazon.com. You can read it on any phone or tablet. All you need is the Kindle app, and the Kindle app is free. The book's not free, but it's not very expensive either. If you read the book and enjoy it, please leave a review on your local version of amazon.com. 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