Kay Xander Mellish explains how to date in Denmark. Danes meet through apps and friend groups, use low-key profiles, and split the bill on simple first dates. The Danish term kærester means monogamous partner regardless of gender or marital status, and relationships are built on equality and transparency.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. I talk a lot in my speeches to corporations, About how people bring their own work culture with them when they come to work in Denmark. But they also bring their own dating culture. The way you expect to meet a potential partner, to flirt, to show you're serious, to take the relationship to the next level. These are expectations you bring with you to Denmark from your home culture. When you get here, you will meet Danes who have very different expectations. Denmark's doing a big recruitment campaign now, trying to get young professionals to bring their skills to Denmark, and a lot of them are single when they arrive. If they want to meet someone and don't meet someone, if they want a serious relationship and a family but can't get started, they often go home again. So in the name of economic development, Here are my tips on dating in Denmark. Now, quick aside, at first you might wonder if I'm the right person to give advice on this. I don't have a sweetheart at the moment, or a husband for that matter. Lots of people seem to wonder who my husband is, by the way. If you look me up in Google, the predictive text after my name is Kay Xander Mellish husband. Apparently people are searching for that. But I am on the various dating apps, which is one of the 2 main ways people meet each other in Denmark these days. The other being friend circles, which as an international can take a while to get into. People used to meet at work, but #MeToo has made a big imprint in Denmark. It's taken down both male and female business leaders and political leaders. who couldn't keep their hands to themselves at work or at parties after work. So people are a lot more cautious around their colleagues these days. On dating apps, generally you're there to show your best side, but unlike some other dating cultures, in Denmark people don't show off their wealth, their car, their watch, or their powerful job. They try to show that they're funny and down-to-earth, that they can laugh at themselves. I do also see a lot of the Danish version of status-seeking, which is time off to travel to exotic locations and engage in extreme sports— lots of windsurfing and scuba diving photos. I also see a lot of skin, which, since I'm dating in the over-40 category, isn't always something I want to see. But this is the tricky part about dating in Denmark, because the line between sex and romance isn't very well defined. Some people want to have sex right away and then decide if they're interested in getting to know each other emotionally. There's no stigma to this the way there can be in some cultures, but it can be rough on you if you're a sensitive person who's really just looking for love. One thing I find interesting about the Danish language is the flexibility of the word kærester, which translates most directly to most dear one. Your kærester can be same-sex or opposite-sex. You can have known each other for 3 weeks or 30 years. But if someone is your kærester, it means you're not dating anyone else. You'll often hear Danes talk about the time when they became kærester, which is the time they committed to each other monogamously. Now, you can go on and get married at some point if you like— many people in Denmark do— but you can certainly buy a home and have kids without being married. The Danish government will even pay for your fertility treatment. The Danes don't see a big difference between having a committed kærester and having had a wedding ceremony. But hey, back to the beginning. You've met someone either on the apps or via a social club or your school. For the first date, you do not have to buy anything to impress them. Flowers, poetry, a fancy restaurant— these will make a Danish person very uncomfortable. Compliments tend to make them uncomfortable. I tell internationals that a first date in Denmark can always be a walk in nature and a cup of coffee, or a beer if you prefer. Whatever it is, turn off your phone, give the other person your full attention, and talk. In Denmark, time— in particular, free time— is the most valuable thing you have. If a man or woman is giving you their time with their clothes on, they're usually sincerely trying to find out if you have something in common, if there's a spark there. Just a note: it is standard on dates in Denmark for each person to pay for their own coffee or beer or even dinner. It doesn't indicate that the date is going badly. I know that in some dating cultures. The woman expects the man to pay for things, make her feel like a princess, maybe plan the date, open doors, pull out chairs for her to sit in, and generally take the leading role. Denmark does not have these fixed gender roles to the extent many other cultures do. It's why, according to the OECD, Danish men spend more hours doing housework than men in any other wealthy country. This lack of rules means you can basically define your dating relationship the way you want it— how often you see each other, whether you live together, and crucially, how much time you spend with your partner's family. If you choose a partner who has family near to where you're living, expect to spend a lot of time at family events. These family events are generally long meals consumed at long tables set with a lot of Danish flags. You will probably be seated next to your partner on one side, but next to annoying Uncle Henrik on the other, and maybe across from Grandma Benta, and you will be expected to sit there and be entertaining for several hours at a time. This is a bit easier if you speak Danish. Otherwise, depending on the age and education level of your table companion, you'll get some broken English or a lot of time smiling and nodding and pointing. The good news is there is generally cake at the end. Anyway, if you're a caster, you're part of the family, and attendance at, at least a few of these events is usually required. Romance in Denmark doesn't have many other rules. There's not a lot of public display of affection, maybe some hand-holding and tender glances unless you're drunk. Otherwise, the general attitude is, hey, glad you two are happy together, now get a room. This goes for same-sex as well as opposite-sex relationships. Once you finally find your Danish kæreste, It can be a wonderful relationship. Equality. Transparency. Trust. But romance in Denmark is tricky. There can be a few awkward hurdles in trying to get there. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. You can book me, Kay Xander Mellish, for an event at your group or organization at events.howtoliveindenmark.com. And you can read all of our transcripts going back 10 years at howtoliveindenmark.com. There's a couple I wrote 10 years ago about dating in Denmark. You can see how things have changed. See you next time.
