Kay Xander Mellish walks through what to expect when living with a Danish family: chores, meal times, shoes off indoors, airing out rooms, and how Danes approach alcohol, bikes, and direct communication. Practical rules for fitting in.
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Hello and welcome to the How to Live in Denmark podcast. I'm Kay Xander Mellish. As the new academic semester starts up, some of you may be planning to live in a Danish home. It could be that you'll rent a room in a household, or maybe you'll be part of a Danish host family, or maybe you'll just be staying with Danish friends. I thought it might be useful to have some tips on living with a Danish family. First of all, if you're used to having your parents or domestic workers do most of the household chores, things are about to change. Danish families usually don't have live-in domestic workers. A few wealthy families with small children have au pairs, and it's common to have a weekly cleaning person, but On a day-to-day basis, household chores are done by all the members of the family. Male, female, young, old— everybody does their part. In fact, statistics show that Danish men do more household chores than any other men in Europe. So if you're going to live as part of a Danish family, there will probably be household chores for you, too. If you don't know how to wash dishes, or clean a floor, or do laundry, have somebody teach you before you go. You should also have one or two basic meals you can prepare if it's your night to cook. It's common for the family to take turns cooking, or to cook together, and sometimes for the kids to cook on their own. Foreigners are sometimes surprised to see kids as young as 8 or 9 using big, sharp kitchen knives. But Danish kids often learn how to cook at school, and if both parents are working full-time, it's considered quite reasonable to ask the kids to cut up the salad or make the pasta. Plus, it's fun to be in the kitchen together. Your family might ask you to take a turn making dinner some night, so definitely be prepared with a couple of recipes you know well. When you sit down at the dinner table, you generally don't begin eating until someone says, Vasco hospice. That translates to, go ahead and eat. You usually serve yourself from common dishes, and you should eat everything that you choose to put on your plate. Wasting food is very bad manners in Denmark. And ask before you take the last bit of anything. Would anyone like to share this with me? When you're done eating, you often sit at the table for a while and chat. This was a surprise for me coming from the U.S., where you generally get up as soon as you've finished. In Denmark, you stay at the table longer and extend the conversation. When you do finally get up, you say tak for mad, or thank you for the food, and take your own dish into the kitchen. And if it's your turn, you clean up the pots and pans. Basically, nobody in Denmark is too fancy for domestic work. Danish homes are usually tidy. There's not a lot of stuff and clutter, and people do not wear shoes or boots inside. You take them off at the door. Danish homes are usually designed to let in as much light as possible because it's so dark in Denmark in the winter, so the curtains are often left open. You can see what the neighbors are up to. Danish homes are also designed to keep in heat to preserve energy, but one thing they are not is well ventilated. So you'll notice your Danish host doing a lot of airing out— opening the windows and the doors, even in the middle of winter, to get fresh air in. Don't be offended if they ask you to air out your room, too. Another room that often has no ventilation is the bathroom. I recently gave a speech to a group of Italians in Denmark, and they were amazed that many bathrooms, particularly in apartment buildings, do not have a window. They do not, and there is also no bidet— another shock for the Italians. In fact, in many apartments, there is no bathtub at all, only a shower. It would have to be a very fancy apartment in Copenhagen to have a tub. So you can probably leave your bath salts at home. Most Danish homes also don't have exercise equipment like treadmills or exercise bikes, but in most places in Denmark, there's a good gym nearby. If you go to a gym, you're expected to bring not just gym clothes, but a separate pair of indoor shoes with clean soles. Don't try to work out in your dirty outdoor shoes with mud on them. Your fellow gym rats will not be pleased, and they may even give you a little lecture about it. This happened to a friend of mine. It, it wasn't a fun workout. She felt very attacked. When you go to a swimming pool, the Danish way is to shower very thoroughly without your suit, totally naked, before you go in. The pool staff take this very seriously because there's not a lot of chlorine to kill germs in Danish pools. They keep the water clean by making sure everyone washes their hair and their bits before jumping in. I read that one municipality was actually checking people with ultraviolet light before they went into the pool to make sure they'd showered. So take it all off before you shower. Danes are pretty open about nudity, but interestingly, old people tend to be more comfortable with nudity than younger ones. In the locker room, you'll see 60-year-olds and 70-year-olds strip off in front of everybody, but some younger people try to undress more discreetly. When it comes to social life, alcohol plays a very big role in Denmark. Danish kids are often allowed to drink beer and sometimes wine at home from about age 13. The idea is they can learn how to drink responsibly while their parents are still around to pick up the pieces. Whether or not this actually works is another question entirely, but that's the expectation. If the kids find themselves drunk out in the middle of nowhere, their, their parents will usually come pick them up, but Otherwise, generally, Danish families don't spend a lot of time driving their kids around. It's all about using mass transport— bus, train— even in the countryside. I recently visited a school on the west coast of Jutland where the regional bus schedule was actually planned around the school day. There's always bicycling too, and make sure you have your light after dark. You can get fined 750 crowns— about €100 or $125— if you don't have a bike light after dark. These are just a few tips for living with a Danish family. As a general point of view, young people in Danish families have a lot of independence, but they're also expected to take on a lot of responsibility. They're expected to act like young adults instead of big children. And if you have a problem in your Danish family, talk it out. Don't let it simmer while you get angrier and angrier. Denmark is a talking culture, at least within the circle of family. So if you've got concerns, questions, let them out. The Danish family you're living with wants to welcome you. And they want you to feel welcome too. And that's the How to Live in Denmark podcast for this week. You can follow us on Instagram or on Twitter @how2liveindenmark. The 2 is a number. Come leave a comment on our website at howtoliveindenmark.com. Or buy our books, How to Live in Denmark and How to Work in Denmark, on Amazon, iBooks, Google Play, or in any Danish bookstore. Thanks to Johan at Lydbro for his wonderful studio and great sound work. See you next time. Bye.
