Conflict Management - Highlight Reel

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How can somebody build rapport when they're dealing with somebody who is acting violently?

First of all, I want to make a premise here that the conflict is part of the human nature. We can't live in an environment without conflicts. And the nice news is that conflict means that there's a relationship which is ruined, damaged, compromised and we are at the level of relationship here. When we are talking about violent persons we are in a level of sort of an alphabetism under the emotional aspects. So person who are not educated in the emotional level, at the emotional level that can be a reason for becoming violent. They are not able to stay in a conflictual environment which means still to have to deal with the relationship and to repair the relationship. We want to avoid that the conflict where the relationship is ruin and we have to repair escalate to the level of the violence and high level conflict are really difficult to deal with. Like saying you have a conflictual situation and conflict hits you like a wave. Sometimes big wave hits you and leave you astonished without words without strained, almost emptied. But if you start considering that the conflict, and that's the most important part, starting when it's possible to face the conflict at the level that you can avoid the escalation to the violent, when it's most difficult to intervene. For this, you have to be prepared. You can't just be there and leave the things to improvisation. Sitting at the table of negotiation, metaphorically speaking, can be like seeing the edge of the iceberg. The nature, the contest and the positions that people assume to defend their interest is there. It shows up. The violent person is screaming that wants something. But to be effective, we have to look down and check under the surface to know more and discover the unknown aspects. Most of the times unclear also for people directly involved. So the conflict as a dynamic movement with a tendency to get worse. If people involve, blame each other and oppose their thoughts without the intent of seeing beyond the present moment and the possibilities to preserve the relationship, the assets, the reputation in the future and for the future. So the role of the negotiator or mediator is trying to move the conflict toward the path of the collaboration, offering new perspective and adding values to the element at stake. So what do you do? First of all, skills like observation, active listening, empathy, the art of asking questions are strongly required to negotiate. And for the case of the violent, we should consider that the best questions to ask are the ones which lead the person to discover better what there can be behind the situation, behind what is seeing there. Good and reasoned questions are useful for people to understand the causes of the conflict. The right questions also allow people in conflict to evaluate more clearly their own real interests and needs. When people answer to questions, they can often discover thoughts, values, ideas, opinions they didn't even know they had, or it is the occasion they just clarify to themselves possible alternative pursue. Sometimes asking the right questions is like playing chess or cards. One move will determine the following one and will give the measure of the conflict and the possible levers to work on. If questions are essential and simple, they will help to better understand what is really at stake. Simple questions are often powerful. They are simple to elaborate and can reach the goal more effectively. So let's say that we have the hostage taker there or the violent person, and I give you some examples of general questions you can ask. And they are really they can really be effective. What do you want? How do you see the situation? Which is the real problem here? What is holding you back from doing this or not doing this? So the ability to ask the right question, especially at the right moment makes people feel heard and understood and this has an enormous impact on their perceptions and thinking process. You see, it brings people to access their thoughts in a more organized, articulate way so they move away from an unstructured emotional reasoning towards the more analytical logic side of the brain and so they can reach a more balanced, constructive and sometimes even creative decision making process. So I think this is a secret, for instance, to establish rapport and I would like to give an optimistic way here to consider conflict as everybody is a negotiator without being aware of that. So better having the tools, the strategies and learn how to do that and the conflict that I want to show under a positive light as an opportunity to grow and change. It happens when the stakeholders are solicited to deepen the reality and discover the importance of of the underlying relationship and the interest to keep it alive. So let's say that the conflict can be visualized as a dance where people involve Try new Steps of the dance when you start a new dance, you don't know which are the steps you have to take and metaphorically this can be seen as different ways to communicate, to explore, to discover solutions and common interest. Realizing situations where each party can be satisfied for long term in fact, which is the successful negotiation, the long term satisfaction of the people involved. This is the success for the negotiation and for the negotiators hey listeners, I.

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When you think about the things that people often do unwittingly that are problematic in their leadership, when it comes to communicating effectively and resolving conflict effectively, what do you think those key mistakes are that people need to avoid?

Oh, that's a great question. You know, I think the number one mistake that I see is that people come to conflict and expect that this is going to be a logical dialogue because the data is right in front of us and the data leads us to very logical solutions. 1, 2 and 3. Why don't we try those, get some, some more data on how this is going to work, find the best strategy and move forward. And when those human beings who are complex people come to conflict, they don't bring just their logical mind, they bring their whole selves. And so when the leaders that I'm working with are having to talk through conflict, having to deal with difficult conversations, the number one mistake that I think people make is to assume that we can handle this in a logical, objective, abstract kind of a way. It takes a lot more emotional intelligence than that, which means it takes more time, it takes more deep breaths, it takes a whole lot more listening to be able to get the engagement to move down that road. It takes a lot more discovery in the process.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And we see it all the time, especially when you have people who believe that they're quite intelligent, they think highly of themselves.

Right, right. You try to get a whole lot of these really intelligent folks who are amazingly skilled, they have amazing skills, deep wells of professional technical knowledge, and then they have to deal with something that isn't really a technical kind of a problem, it's a culture problem, or it's an equity problem, or, you know, there are folks like the community that we serve is really feeling left behind. That's not a logical, that's not a purely, let me say it that way, it's not a purely logical problem. There are emotions involved and there's humanity involved.

Absolutely. And when you miss that, it leads to frustration for everybody involved.

Absolutely.

And I think about it as a mediator. Some of my favorite mediations were when people would use the terms irrational or crazy. And because whenever I heard one party say, oh, I can't believe they're asking for this or they're doing this. It's completely irrational. I'm like, oh, I know what the other side's going to say. I go in and they say they're completely irrational. This is crazy, right? And if you think that rationality or logic is going to save either one of those things are going to save the day, you're going to be woefully mistaken. And a lot of times the things that we think are logical or rational and are very subjective.

Absolutely. What's logical to you might be something that seems pie in the sky or on the clouds to me. One of the things that we talk about with just this kind of problem is most everybody has heard about, you know, listening and being able to reflect what people say, being able to, you know, reframe what people say. So someone comes to you and they're. They're expressing their frustration in this difficult conversation. So active listening. We're going to say back to them in a different way what they've said so that we're showing them that we're listening to them. And a lot of times these conversations, the person goes, oh, okay, no. And they say it again, and they say the same thing. You're like, I just did the whole, like, paraphrase kind of thing back. Okay, I'm gonna quote them this time. I'm just gonna prove I'm listening to them by, I heard you say. And then you just quote to say exactly what they said. And when they go, no, that's when they need to feel heard, not be heard. And that is a completely different process. Now, we're not talking prefrontal cortex of your brain, you know, right behind your forehead. Now we're talking the. The, you know, like, what we call your reptilian brain. Your. Your amygdala. It's your emotional center. You know, if you put one finger above your ear, kind of by your temple, and one in the middle of your forehead, where those two lines intersect, you have the amygdala hangs out in your brain, and it. When it is stimulated, it is harder for people to hear. To do that. Logical, rational, objective, analytical, abstract thinking, which belongs right behind your eyebrows, basically in your prefrontal cortex. So if people are gripped by emotion, then you might need to say, you know what? I can hear the frustration in your voice. Can you tell me more about that? Or what I think I'm hearing in your voice is. Is that anxiety? Can you help clarify for me what's happening? How can I be of support to you in this. And sometimes people have to work through the emotion part before they can get on to the being heard part.

Absolutely. And that is an expert level distinction, being heard versus feeling heard. And again, if you think about it just completely logically and rationally. Well, I repeated back to what they said, so clearly I'm understanding it. But if you don't understand the psychology that's lying beneath the surface, you're going to try to solve the wrong problem with the wrong tools.

Absolutely. You know, there's a great saying in leadership is we hire people for their technical skills and the whole person shows up for the job. You know, you got to remember that whole person is there. It doesn't matter how logical and analytical you are or the situation might be, in the end, it's people there. And I think the COVID crisis and the pandemic, it was such an object lesson for us as a world and certainly as a nation, that people, no matter how fantastic they are at their jobs, like, look at all these amazing healthcare providers who are saving lives as best they can and bringing everything that they have to work, and still they have emotions, they get burnout, they feel an incredible amount of pressure, and they can't do, they can't save everyone that they want to, you know, try. They want to try to save everyone, and it's just not possible. So the whole person is there, and it's more than their physician skills or their nursing skills or their respiratory therapy skills, you know?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

It's really important.

And I think that human element is often overlooked too. And in our business world, just the professional world in general, there's this cult of busyness where it's almost like a busy off, like, ooh, who's busier than the other person? And so when we keep on telling ourselves we're busy, we're busy, we're busy, then a lot of the human element is lost because we try to take shortcuts in these conversations. And if we take those shortcuts, what ends up happening is that mistakes happen and then the conversation gets messy. And even though we're trying to take a shortcut for the sake of expediency and efficiency, it becomes a lot less expedient, a lot more inefficient, because now we have to clean up a. Up a mess because we tried to move too fast.

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I think conflict can be really good, which I think I've said. But how do you know when and why conflict is good versus how do you know when it's bad? And I don't mean bad in the sense of intimidating or difficult, but bad in the sense of unhelpful. We're not getting anywhere. We've sort of hit the stalemate. We're not, we're not achieving this. How do you differentiate, differentiate that? And how do you know, you know when to walk away from that? Or what do you do in those situations when. When it's not helpful?

Yeah, this is a really great question. And so I, I think it's important to distinguish between productive and unproductive conversations. And whether or not a conversation is productive or unproductive depends completely on what your goals are. So going into a conversation, you have to be very clear with yourself and with, with the other person with regard to what you hope to accomplish in the conversation. Because if you don't have a destination, then there's no way to know whether or not you're on the wrong path. That's the first thing. And so for me there, there are two strategies that I employ if I'm realizing that a conversation is trending toward being unproductive. Strategy number one, I try to adjust my approach in order to make the conversation a bit more more productive. Strategy number two, I end the conversation. So this is a really, it's a tough situation because we know sometimes when we are stuck in a conversation that has become unproductive. But a lot of times we overthink what it takes to turn an unproductive conversation into a productive conversation or just find a productive use for your time. I think that might be a better way to think about it. So let's start off with adjusting my approach. If a conversation is becoming unproductive, usually it's because we are reaching impasse. We are trying to move in a specific direction and for whatever reason, we are not progressing. So that might be because one or both of us have become emotional and the emotions at play are creating a barrier to progress. It might be because we are not understanding each other and our lack of clear communication is creating a barrier to progress. Progress, whatever it happens to be, we have to figure out what that problem is and change our approach. So here's a simple example. So let's say we've reached impasse. We're trying to talk about three different things and we're stuck on thing number one. Okay, well, what I'm going to do is I'm going to say to myself, well, you know, it seems like we're stuck on number one. Number two and three are still very important. So I'm going to pause the conversation on number one. And now I'm going to start talking about two and three in order to see if I can generate some, some positive momentum and then we can circle back to thing number one. So this is what it could look like in practical application. Well, Cheyenne, it seems as though we're getting a little bit stuck. And what I think might be helpful is if we start talking about this other issue right now. Let's talk about that and then let's circle back to number one after we've made a little bit of progress on number two. Does that work for you? And then you might say, well, no, I really want to focus. I will read, have some more things to say about number one. Then I might say, hey, okay, let me know those other things and then we can move on to number two and come back. Right? That's, that's the way that I would approach it. Now, in the other situation, let's say it's an unproductive conversation and I want to end it. The key here is to end it in a way where you don't seem like a jerk and you end it in a way where both of you are able to save face. So you are allowing both parties, both you and the other party, to end the conversation in a way that allows you to leave with your dignity and self respect intact. So you don't want to end the conversation because. And make it seem like you are scared or you're weak or incompetent or anything like that, because I know that's a lot of people's fears and you don't want to make the other person feel any of those negative emotions either with the way that the conversation is ending. So this is how you do it. What I would do is I would say, cheyenne, I think we made a lot of progress in this conversation, and I really appreciate you talking to me today. And so this is a very clear signal that I have come to the end of this conversation. So we're priming them with that. That subtle signal. But before we go, Cheyenne, I want to let you. I want to see if there's anything else that you want to say, and I'll give you the floor because I don't want it to seem like I don't want to listen to you. I want the person to always feel heard. And so for the rest of the conversation, I'll just give them the floor. So I'd listen to you, and then I'd summarize what you would say using the empathy loop. Cheyenne, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you're saying X, Y, and Z. Is that a fair synopsis? Okay, great. Is there anything else you'd like to say? And then you might say, well, Kwame, what do you think about that? What I. Almost encouraging me to re. Engage in the conversation. And so what I would say is, well, honestly, Cheyenne, you've given me a lot to think about, and I want to have some time to process this. I think it'd be best for us to circle back and come back tomorrow and finish up the conversation. But if there's anything else you want to say, I'm still here to listen to you. So, again, we're showing respect. We're showing respect by letting them know that we still care about what it is that they're saying and what their problems are. But we're also standing firm in the fact that we don't have anything else to add to the conversation at this moment. So I think that's a really strong way to end and a conversation in a respectful way so everybody can leave saving face, and then we could restart those negotiations at a later date.

Yeah, yeah. I have nothing to add to that. That is just very eloquent and great. You are certainly the expert on it. So in those situations, or even as you walk into any negotiation or conflict, you know, how do you know what options you have? How do you maybe erase some of that fear? I mean, don't give away all the secrets. Secret sauce here. But, you know, how do you sort of know or get out of that mindset where you feel like the other person has the control or the power?

Yeah, that's a great question. And so when it comes down to power, one of the best ways to improve your power is through preparation. So even though in this case, I know we're talking about power as it relates to workplace centered conversations, I think it's really helpful if we start to think about power through the lens of traditional negotiation because they're more or less going to be the same and it might be easier to see in traditional negotiation. And so when it comes to power at the negotiation table, one of the strongest sources of power comes from your alternatives. More specifically, your batna, which is your best alternative to a negotiated agreement. So, Cheyenne, it's really pretty simple when you think about it. If we're having a negotiation and what you're offering me at the negotiation table isn't better than my other alternative away from the negotiation table, I can simply say no, because I know that without your help, I can just choose something else. It's like a salary negotiation. If you're offering me $200,000 and somebody else is offering me $300,000, I can negotiate with you pretty confidently and say no to your offer and ask you to do better because I already know that I have an offer for 300,000. Right. So. So your alternatives are going to be a major source of power. And so one of the things that this highlights is the fact that you can improve your performance at the negotiation table by making moves away from the negotiation table. And so if you are at work and you're having a conversation and you don't feel like you have a lot of power, it's usually because you don't have good options. And so what you need to do before these conversations in your preparation, think about some potential alternative solutions other than the person right in front of you. Because if I'm negotiating with you, Cheyenne, and I know you're my best option, that means I need you. That means I need you. And there's an old saying in negotiation, the. The person who needs the deal the most loses. Because if I feel like I need you, I'm going to keep on compromising in order to get what you are willing to give me. And that's not a good place to be. So thinking strategically about how you can get better options before you even enter the negotiation is going to be a really important source of power coming into the negotiation. The other thing is there's. Within an organization, there's going to be power through hierarchy. And that's just the reality. You have to respect rank. Somebody might outrank you and their power might purely come through authority. And so what you need to do is you need to find your unique source of power. How have you made yourself indispensable over your time there? What unique information do you have or expertise do you have? Remember that going into those conversations, because a lot of times we forget. And so we need to remind ourselves of our value going into it. But we also have to give subtle signs of our value to the other people as well. And so you can respect their power while still being true to your power and letting them know that you have power as well. So here's an example of how you can do that. So let's say you and your manager aren't really on the same page with this decision that's being made or the path forward for the department. So in that situation, one of the easiest ways that you can signal your power through information is by saying something like this. Actually, that's a really good point. And I thought the same thing. And then I spent a few hours yesterday doing a lot of research and talking to other people in the organization. And this is what I found. And what I did there is subtle, but really powerful because you might be. So essentially what you're saying is, listen, I respect where you're coming from, but you also have to remember I'm the person who's the boots on the ground. I did this research, I did more research. And so that should add to the credibility of what I'm saying. Again, it's subtle, but it does help to rebalance the power dynamics in a conversation if somebody outranks you, but you feel as though you've done the research and you might know more than them in this specific situation. So really what it comes down to is preparation, making sure that you are taking a, surveying the, the playing field and understanding who needs what, and also finding unique and creative ways to meet your needs other than the conversation right in front of you. Because again, when you are creative, you're creating more options and the more paths to victory you have, the more likely you are to achieve a victory. And so that creativity is a really unique form of power as well. I think people often over emphasize the, the negotiation tools at the negotiation table, like the tactics and approach that you actually use during the conversation. Say this, don't say that, those type of things, those matter, those matter. But we have to consider the things that we can do away from the negotiation table to rebalance the power as well. So I think all of those things are important as it relates to power dynamics. In these conversations, I think it often helps to think about the negotiation table in a literal type of way. And a great book on this topic is called negotiation in 3D, and it talks about the three dimensions of negotiation. So the actual conversation between me and the other person per person, that's one dimension. But then you also have resetting the table, which talks about creativity and deal structure. And then you also have the moves away from the negotiation table, which is about improving your batna, your best alternative to a negotiated agreement by negotiating with other parties and finding other ways to meet your needs. So an example is sometimes if you don't like the negotiation table, you can reset the table. You know, and so thinking about it in three dimensions helps you to be more creative with the way that you approach it and helps you to find really unique sources of power that'll pay dividends during the negotiation.

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