How and When to Say No with Regan Walsh

Hello, my friends, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything. This show is produced by the American Negotiation Institute, and with over 5 million downloads and listeners in over 180 countries, listeners just like you have made this the number one negotiation podcast in the world. Hi, my name is Kwame Christian, and I am the founder and CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. Here at A&I, we believe that the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And we are passionate about providing you with the best content that will help you to make your difficult conversations easier, both at work and at home. Lastly, I want to remind you that we offer consulting and conduct trainings, both virtually and in person all around the world. Our focus is in three main areas. First, negotiation and conflict resolution. Second, leadership. And lastly, diversity, equity, and inclusion. Check the link in the description below to learn more about how we could work with you and your team. And now, without further ado, let's jump into the interview. Reagan, thanks for joining us today.

Oh, I'm thrilled to be here.

So, how about you get us started by telling us a little bit about yourself?

Well, I am an executive and life coach. The work that I do primarily revolves around helping people live their best lives. So whether that's personally or professionally. And the focus is frequently around how people can set boundaries, shed the shoulds in their lives. So the things that they frequently say yes to that are holding them back from focusing on what they really want to go big on. And then I also, as a side part of my business, do a lot of workshop facilitation and keynote speaking engagements.

Very nice. So can you tell us a little bit more about the should part? That's really interesting.

Yes. Shedding the shoulds is a passion of mine. So what I found through my coaching is that every single client of mine is almost paralyzed in their lives in terms of they feel like they should say yes to every opportunity that comes their way. And they feel that way for a few reasons. One reason is fear. So what would happen to me if. If I said no to this opportunity? Would I not get a promotion? Would my child's teacher not respect me for not volunteering? Would my husband get mad at me? Would my friends, you know, turn their backs on me if I said no? So that fear, or even a sense of obligation that it is my duty to take care of xyz, if I don't, then who will? So a lot of the work that I do starts with saying setting boundaries for yourself and figuring out what is it that truly motivates you, what is it that you value and then what choice you have in the matter. A lot of times we think that we don't have a choice, but frankly, I mean, we almost always have a choice to say yes or no to an opportunity. So my work is all about supporting people through that journey and figuring out what are the right things to say yes to and helping people get really selfish with their yeses and hand out far fewer than they currently do.

Yeah, this is really interesting, and I think it plays off of one of our last episodes with Melissa Hereford really well, where she's talking about setting boundaries. So I think this is kind of like the next step.

Yeah. And it's something that's relevant, I think, for all of us. And we can all get better right. At setting boundaries and standing up for what it is that we want and what we're excited about.

Perfect. Yeah, I completely agree. And this is going to be a little bit of self help for me too, because sometimes I have the same thing. And I think for entrepreneurs, it's really important for us to keep that in mind as well, because sometimes we can get into that trap of chasing bad money.

Chasing bad money. And in addition to that, saying yes to doing things in kind over and over. And I mean, I'll be honest, sometimes I struggle to. When it's a friend that needs coaching and is asking me for an hour of my time, it's really important to know what your boundaries are in terms of when you're willing to donate your talent and when you're not.

Right. Oh, that's something I'm sure you.

Yeah, I'm sure you do because you're good at what you do. And when you're good at something, people want to meet for coffee or lunch. And that is a code for, let me, you know, have you coach me for an hour for free.

Yes. Okay. So I'm glad I'm not the only person that gets that too. Because when your gift, your talent, or your essentially your product is you, your mind, it's really easy to just kind of fall into that work mode. And for me, it doesn't feel like.

Work, so I just kind of naturally good at it.

Yeah.

But then everyone benefits and so something. I mean, this is a total sidebar. But I no longer meet for coffee or lunch because I know that's what people want. So unless it's like when we met, that was two like, minds meeting. And that was fun for me. But in terms of meeting friends for coffee or lunch, I always give them the opportunity to Come meet me at my office. And I save those hours for paying clients. I no longer, you know, have those social slash, coach me for free moments.

Oh, this is interesting. See, now this. I almost feel bad because this has turned into a coach me for free kind of podcast interview.

No, not at all. This together. I know that you have the same struggle. Well, I assume that I don't know that, but I know all of my friends who are coaches experience this. And it's so important to say, you know, would love to help you. Here's my hourly rate. Why don't you come to. You know, these are three available options I have next week. What works for you?

Oh, this is cool. Okay, good stuff. This is. This has been so valuable. And we're like four minutes in.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad.

Good. Okay, so back to it. How can we determine the difference between something you should do and something you shouldn't do? So let's kind of break it down almost in a scientific type of way.

So, I mean, the easiest way that I tell people how they can figure this out is listening to their gut instincts. So anytime you feel a sense of dread, like sick to your stomach, you get some sort of physical reaction that is negative, you might have a panic attack. Anytime that happens, that is a pretty good sign that it's an absolute no for you. Anytime that you get excited, the good kind of excited, it's an opportunity that might be, like, a little bit scary, but it's that risk that you're excited to take. It's on your bucket list. Anything that feels good or aligns with either how you're motivated in terms of intrinsic motivations, things that you're really passionate about, or it aligns with your value system in terms of how you like to spend your time, your money, your energy. Those are things to consider before you say yes or no. Like, how does this opportunity really align with what I'm passionate about? And then if I say yes to this, then what does it mean that I'm saying no to? So if I say yes to this incredible project that I don't really want to do. Right. Does that mean I'm saying no to an incredible project that I'm excited about, or time to go out with my friends or time to spend with my family, or time to just, you know, brainstorm your next big idea? I just threw out probably five different ways that you can determine if a should is good or bad. But the first thing is just to sit and feel what it does to you physically and that is a great compass for you to use in terms of your decision.

So what if it's a situation where it's a. It's a really great opportunity? What steps do you take to say no without damaging the relationship?

So this. I'm making the assumption that this opportunity, while great, it's not, you know, a 95% fit into my life, and then I would look at my values. So right now, the. The top things in my life are personal growth, career, and family. And your listeners would probably be surprised to know that personal growth for me trumps my family at this time, because when I am invested in my own growth, I am a better wife and I am a better mother. So I like to tell people that because sometimes honesty is power for listeners. So I would assess whether or not it fits within my values. Is this going to allow me to get better personally? Is it going to allow me to be better for my family? Is it going to help my career thrive? And if the answer is no, then I would then look at like, okay, what is this choice for me? So if I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? What time would I pour into this opportunity? And then what would I not be able to do because of it? So that is the framework I use for every decision. And it's. I mean, quite honestly, it's helped me be able to get to a yes or a no really fast and not look back once I have my answer.

That's really great because it's liberating to be able to come to a decision like, yeah, to be decisive.

I overheard you say this on an earlier episode of your podcast in terms of being able to walk away from a new business meeting with a clear answer, yes or no. I use that same logic for other people. So I don't want to leave people guessing or wondering if I'm going to do something. So I'd like to be very clear and direct up front. This is a hard yes or a hard no. And I think that's really important because it allows them the opportunity to find that next best person. And another thing that allows me. A lot of people feel guilty for saying no. But one thing that I keep in mind is that if I say yes to an opportunity that I am not 100% jazzed about, I am robbing someone the opportunity who would love that opportunity to grow and thrive. I'm taking that away from them. So I always think of a no as a gift, an opportunity for somebody else to say yes. And it's the right yes. For them.

That's a really great point.

You know, it's so true. Because there's something for everybody. And what lights me up is different than what lights you up. You know, we've talked about this before. My perfect client is different than your perfect client. So I would rather not waste your client's time trying to be their coach. If it's not the right fit, I'd rather just say, hey, call my friend Kwame. He's perfect for you.

That makes so much sense. This is cool. So how do you prepare for these.

Conversations in terms of saying no? You know, I try to keep everything brief. And a lot of times, one trick that a coach that a while back I read about saying, like, writing the opportunity down on a post it note. If you feel nervous about saying no to a person, so write it down on a post it note or a piece of paper and say no to the piece of paper and not the person to gain some confidence. And I frankly just always say, thank you so much for thinking of me. I unfortunately can't say yes to this opportunity. And, you know, either give them names of other people who may be willing to, because frequently, you know, somebody that would be excited about it or just say, thanks for thinking of me. I'm not interested. And I leave it at that. I'm very straight and to the point.

That's perfect. And being brief, that brevity leads to a lot of clarity.

Exactly. And I think what happens, especially because we are a society that, like, we're so focused on email even being just really crystal clear, if it's not a conversation, I always prefer a conversation, whether on the phone or in person. But if it's something that you're communicating and writing, leave no room for error.

Right.

Let's just be so clear that there's nothing to interpret other than that your answer is no.

That's true. Yeah. Because the thing is, the more that you speak, the more you expose yourself to potential vulnerability and potential attack. And so just being very clear and to the point is one of the most persuasive things that you could do.

Absolutely.

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I would love to challenge the audience to say no to one thing that they feel they should say yes to. So say no to one should. And I would love it if they reported that back to me in terms of what happened afterward. Did the sky fall down if they said no? Probably not, because I would know exactly.

Oh, I love it.

But I say no to one should in your life this week.

Very cool. And so on that point, what's the best way for them to keep in touch with you?

LinkedIn. Just look me up Regan Walsh or Regan Walsh on Twitter. And I'm an old fashioned girl, so even sending me an email, reganraganwalsh.com that would be my favorite way because it seems like we would be a little bit more connected and personal.

Perfect. Well, thank you so much for joining us. This has been really great.

Oh my gosh, it's my pleasure. It's always a treat to share space with you. Kwame.

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