How to Have Difficult Conversations With Your Significant Other with Maria Eaton

Hello, my friends, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything. Negotiate Anything is produced by the American Negotiation Institute and with over 3 million downloads and listeners in over 180 countries, listeners just like you have made it the number one negotiation podcast in the world. I'm Kwame Christian and I'm the director of the American Negotiation Institute. We're growing and I want to introduce you to our new team members and new trainers. This will give you new and diverse perspectives on negotiation, conflict resolution. And that's why Shane Martin, our head of sales and partnerships, is going to serve as co host of the show from time to time. We're excited to continue to provide you with the best content that will help to make your difficult conversations easier, both at work and at home. Lastly, our team conducts negotiation and conflict resolution trainings in the United States and abroad. Our trainings will give you the practical skills you need to resolve conflict, negotiate, lead, and persuade with confidence. Click the link in the description below to learn more about how we can make your difficult conversations easier. Maria, thanks for joining us today.

Thanks for having me.

Well, you know, you didn't really have a choice because you're on the team. So, yeah, this is your first time being introduced to the audience of Negotiate Anything. So how would you tell us about yourself and what you do?

Absolutely. So my name is Maria Eden and I am the head of content and marketing here at ani. And then I'm also the co host of Ask with Confidence podcast here.

Fantastic. And what is the Ask with Confidence podcast for those who don't know?

So it's basically the best podcast in existence. So we really try to highlight women in either leadership roles or just amazing women in general. And we try to really pull out how they got their confidence, kind of the struggle along the way, and some practical tools in order for other women to become more confident.

Fantastic. And listen, it's not just for women, because I like the show. I learn a lot, too. You and Catherine do an amazing job, so make sure to check that out. And we'll put a link in the description, of course, divorce, so you have easy access to that. And today, my friends, we're going to cover a topic that is near and dear to our hearts, because it has a lot to do with our hearts. And by heart, I don't mean that organ in your chest, I mean the theoretical heart of love. So we're going to talk about how to have difficult conversations with your significant other. I'm married. Maria is married. And we have difficult conversations all the time. And we're not perfect, but we have some tips. And so mar, tell us first why it's so important for us to understand how to have these conversations effectively.

Yeah, so it's super important to have these difficult conversations. Well, because you're in your relationship all the time, so kind of the situation of happy wife, happy life, I mean, that applies to the husband, wife, no matter what your partner is. So if you have good, good conversations in those relationships, it's going to transfer to your other relationships as well.

Yeah, it's going to transfer to, like, everything. And I tell people all the time, I say, listen, you have to get that relationship with your significant other downright because really, in many cases, emotionally, it doesn't matter what else happens in the day. If you're having a hard time with your significant other, somebody that you love, it's going to be a bad day. Right. It has a significant impact on our lives. So you're absolutely right. And so with this podcast, we don't want to just focus on the business side. We also want to help you with difficult conversations in all of your relationships because it's like we said, the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And we're having the majority of our difficult conversations with our significant others. And so one of the things that you talked about in our prep about this was the importance of having an understanding of the distinction between a fight and a difficult conversation. Can you tell us about that?

Absolutely. So whenever we think about a fight, at least for me, I always think about in the ring, you know, you have two opponents and the goal is to knock one of each other out. Okay, that is not the goal of having a difficult conversation in your relationship. It's not a win mentality. It's a win win mentality. So there's no losers in the situation. And I feel like as soon as you reframe it to, hey, it's an argument, it's a difficult conversation. It's us bickering rather than a fight. You're able to now control your emotions a little bit better and to be able to focus on the goal of how do we both win in this conversation.

Yeah, I think that's great. And the win win ideology works really well in this kind of interaction because, you know, you literally are on the same team. You know, it's not too hard to conceptualize that we're in a relationship together. So you're absolutely right. And oftentimes the proper behaviors stem naturally from the proper mindset. And so just simply making that switch in your mind and saying, hey, this isn't a fight, this is a conversation. Right. It's a problem solving endeavor. And it's not me versus you, it's you and me versus the problem. And so once you start to think about it in that way, you're going to start to reap the benefits of productive dialogue. And now there's probably somebody saying, hey, that sounds really nice in theory, but it's really hard for us to do. And so in your opinion, what is it that makes it so tough for people to do this?

I think when you get closer to the person, it's a lot more difficult. So if you have someone just in your company who you know you're going to see Monday through Friday, 9 to 5, you're saying, okay, I am able to kind of leave this person, you know, for the weekend or for the end of the day, you can't leave your significant other. At least that's not the goal. Right. So it's, it's tough because, you know, you know that you're going to need to work it out eventually. And I feel like that causes a lot of stress.

Yeah. And I think for me, one of the things is when I'm at work, when I'm out doing different things outside the home, I understand that I need to be on my game. I need to be on my game because these conversations are important. I'm representing my company, my brand, all of those things when I'm out and about. And as somebody who's a lawyer, a mediator, and I do these trainings, I understand that difficult conversations are part of what I do. It's actually my brand. But when you get home, this is supposed to be your refuge. This is where you're supposed to be safe. You can relax, you can be yourself and you can put your guard down. And it's that exact thing that often leads to breakdowns during the conversation because you're not prepared, you're not ready to be on your game. And so that those skills that you would typically bring to a conversation at work, a difficult conversation at work, a lot of times it's hard for us to do that at home, especially after a work day, because we're tired too. So we're relaxed and we're tired and then this comes up and we're not prepared. So I think, again, just understanding that difficulty and the fact that it's universally difficult, I think that's really important too.

Absolutely.

And so when we are having these conversations, what would you say is the general goal from Your perspective.

So the general goal is productivity and solutions. So what I mean by that is, at the end of the conversation, do you have a plan set in place? So during the conversation, you're going to have lots of emotions that come up. There's going to be a lot of things that aren't even maybe what you're talking about. But at the end of the conversation, you want to have practical tools that you can take and run with and make your relationship better.

You're absolutely right. And it's funny because you're right during the conversation, your emotions will take you off track. And so if you think about this in terms of productivity, it becomes a little bit clearer because a lot of times we understand that we are trying to solve a problem, we're trying to find solutions, but we don't know exactly what those solutions will be going into the conversation. And that lack of clarity can be frustrating, it can be scary, and it can produce a lot of anxiety. But if you just say, my goal is productivity, then you can say, I know what is productive and I know what isn't productive. Talking about what they said three years ago probably isn't productive. Talking about how they feel right now and what problem they're trying to solve right now probably is productive. So now I can steer the conversation in that direction versus the other one.

Absolutely. And I love that you brought that up. That, yeah, if you're talking about things that are outside of the scope of what you're talking about right now, it's not productive. The conversation. For example, if you say, oh, hey, you know, we're talking about that. For example, you didn't put the dishes away or something like that. And now you're bringing up other things with, oh, hey, you said this last night. That's, that's fine. That's another difficult conversation. But it's, you need to be focusing on the questions that are brought up in that moment.

You're absolutely right. And that's why when we talked about, when we talk about the Compassionate Curiosity Framework, we talk about that as a, a tool of future focused problem solving. And so when I think about future focused problem solving, I realize that we can, we're moving towards productivity if we're talking about how we could work together to create the future that both of us want in this relationship. And there's a great book called thank youk for Arguing. And one of the tools that they say in that book is that what you can do to help to alleviate or diminish the amount of emotionality in the conversation for you and the other person is switch the grammatical tense of the conversation. So no more using the past tense, only using the present or future tense. And that works really well. And something that I find helpful is sacrificing the past to win the future. So if Whitney were to bring up something in the past, and it could be something that we could argue about, we could go back and forth on that. The past has already happened. I can't do anything about that. So what I would say is, Whitney, you've brought up some good points. So considering that, what do you think we can do now to make sure this doesn't happen again in the future? And so if you want to score points in the past, go ahead and score points in the past. I'm not interested in playing that game. And so you let that go and then focus on the future, and then the conversation becomes a lot more productive.

Hi, I'm Katherine Konaky, and I'm the chief operating officer here at the American Negotiation Institute. Did you know our company offers completely customizable negotiation workshops? The negotiation and conflict resolution skills that your team will learn from these workshops are beneficial across all professions, but they're especially useful in procurement, purchasing, sales, sourcing, and contract management. Our calendar is filling up quickly, and we even have some workshops scheduled for next year if you think you might want one. I'd suggest reaching out soon so you don't miss out. Check out the link in the description to learn more. Also, be sure to check out our YouTube, LinkedIn and Instagram accounts to see our daily negotiation content. Thanks for listening. I think also if someone is bringing something up from the past, it means that they're not completely over it. I think that that does deserve attention. So even saying during the conversation, hey, I. I think that maybe something was brought up in the past or a situation that happened in the past, you still have some emotion around. That's absolutely fine. How about we have another conversation, a different time, and what we need to focus on right now, the problem right.

Now, I think that's great because if you do that, you're demonstrating to the person, hey, what you said, it's still important. And if it's really important to you, let's allocate the time and energy and attention it needs in a separate conversation so it doesn't get cloudy. Right now, we're having a conversation about this. Let's finish talking about this, and then we can talk about that other thing. And I know for me, oftentimes when I bring up things in the past, I'll be honest. Sometimes I'm. I mistake the. The. This conversation for a fight. And I try to score points. A lot of times, that's what people are trying to do. You're trying to score points. You're not trying to. You shouldn't try to dunk on your conversational partner. That's not the goal. You know, winning at their expense. And. And so when I stop and think about it, oh, the reason I wanted to talk about that was to do damage to make them feel bad. Usually that's the ego. And if somebody says, hey, if you still want to talk about that, we can. Usually, for me, at least, when I bring up stuff from the past, it's. It's an emotional thing, and down the road, I don't want to talk about it at all. I realized that that was a. A strategic and conversational error. And I'm like, well, thankfully, they didn't. They didn't bite on it. We can still stay productive.

Mm, absolutely. Yeah. And another thing I want to bring up is when someone does bring up the past, at least for me, it's makes me highly emotional, and it's just not going to be productive from there. So if there is something that's a little bit triggering, what you can do is just do a couple of breathing exercises, even during the conversation, and then just get right back on track.

Now, I like that. And this is something that I struggled with early on in my career, because when somebody would say breathing exercises, I would say, I'm not going to hyperventilate in front of this person to show that they. That they hurt me. I'm not going to give them the satisfaction. And so when you're talking about breathing exercises, what exactly does that look like? And how can you do it in a way that doesn't show the other side that you are, too. You're. You're under a significant amount of emotional distress.

Well, actually, I think even to begin, that you should be able to show that you're under emotional distress to your partner, you know, because you're supposed to be completely in 100% vulnerable with your partner. That's the thing, you know, so you can have your front with your friends, even some of your extended family, but when it comes to your partner, all barriers are down.

You know what the problem is here, Maria? You had Whitney on your podcast, and you've given each other gifts, and now you're friends. And so she clearly recruited you as a spirit by. Because that sounds exactly like what Whitney says. She. She says it's not. You're talking to me like it's a negotiation. Why are you afraid of showing your emotions? And I, then I lie. I'm like, I don't have emotions. So this is great. This is a, a good reminder for me on how to, to communicate with my significant other. And I joke about it all the time on the podcast. I, I say like, listen, this is, you know, it's still hard for me. It's still hard for me. So that's, that's a good reminder. Now let's, let's go deeper into this vulnerability aspect. Let's put our Brene Brown hats on for a moment and talk about vulnerability. So let, I'll, I'll play devil's advocate because I'm often the devil in these conversations. So devil's advocate here. Why should I show my emotions to my partner? What? I don't like that. I don't like the way it feels. So, Maria, educate us. Why is it important for us to be vulnerable with our partners?

It's really important because when you show all of your emotions and you don't hold back, and when I say show emotions, I mean, hey, hey, I'm sad. Hey, I'm angry. Not necessarily taking it on the other person, but just acknowledging that you have these emotions, it's really important because emotions are underlined reasons of why we act the way that we do. So for example, if I am super angry at Jeremy for a certain reason and I'm sad and I'm angry, if I share that with him, then now he knows. Okay, well, she's not just angry, she's also sad about this too. So let's talk about it. What about that makes you sad? So that's why emotions are really important.

You're right. I just don't, I just don't like it yet. No, but I think it's important because it's part of clear communication. Because how can we solve problems if we are too afraid to tell our partner that we have problems? And the reality is we like to vilify emotions and say that they're bad all the time. And it's not true. Emotions are a fundamental part of the decision making process. I forget the name of the disorder, but there's a disorder where somebody cannot feel emotions. They are completely emotionless. And when I started reading that book, I'm like, oh, man, that'd be awesome. Wow, that'd be helpful. But here's the thing. They can't make any decisions. They're unable to make decisions. So for example, if you are thinking about something completely rationally without just that, a little bit of emotional juice. It's like, okay, what would you like to eat today? What? A lot of times we were like, well, I'm feeling like this, right? There's a little bit of emotionality to it. But if it's like the nutritional content of this dish versus this dish is approximately the same, you're stuck. You're stuck. And so the emotions play an actual important role in the decision making process. And they play a role for you and your conversational partner during the conversation because the emotions will signal to us what we care about. And sometimes the emotions will show you what you care about before you knew that it was something that you cared about.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And even just saying, hey, I don't know what the issue is right now, but I'm feeling this way. Can we talk about it? I think that's a great start.

Man, this is good. Whitney has to listen to this podcast. This is, this is going to be. She's going to love this. Can you say something that's like, gives me points or something? Because I feel like when he's just scoring over and over again, which is, again, the problem with my mentality is not scoring points. Listeners, listen, I'm really good at this in the business world, in the legal world, I'm still growing after 11 years of marriage. But we made it, we're still here. So I guess I'm good enough. But yeah, this is really, really helpful. One of the things that you've been talking about, though, is preparation. We talked about this before and again, we talk about it on the show all the time where we have the free guides. So again, remember, listeners, go to americannegotiationinstitute.com guide to download all of those guides. Maria, we should make a how to have difficult conversations with your significant other guide.

Let's do it.

Yeah, so that'll be ready by the time this episode goes live. I will be using it daily. And so that's good. And so when you think about preparing for these conversations, what does that look like?

Yeah. So how you can prepare for these conversations is understanding the pattern of having those difficult conversations with your significant other. So the first step is understanding how to present the problem, how you present the problem and how your significant other presents the problem. And then you need to understand what heats you up in a conversation and what heats them up. So those are triggers. So maybe it's bringing stuff up in the past. Maybe it's you statements, maybe it's not Understanding or not bringing or acknowledging their feelings or your feelings. And then the end is, how do you resolve the issues? So do you need to step away from the conversation for a little bit and come back, or do you need to say, hey, okay, let's just resolve this. What does the pattern look like for you?

I like the word pattern that you're using here because every relationship has patterns. And, you know, it reminds me of the episode with Jen Goldman Wetzler, who has the Freeing yourself from conflict book. Her episode, her first time on the show, was last February, I believe. And so every, every relationship will have a certain set of patterns. And what's funny is that you can start to see if you just observe, passively observe another relationship, you can almost say, well, they're going to say this next, and then the person's going to respond this way. Three, two, one, Explosion. Right? That's how it goes. And so recognizing those patterns is going to be really, really helpful because they. We have consistent ways in the way there are consistencies in the way that we present information and the way that we handle difficult situations and those type of things. And so once you begin to be able to anticipate that behavior in your significant other, then you can keep the conversation in a productive way because you already know how you're going to respond to it. And then for yourself, too, I mean, we're clearly, we have work to do for ourselves in these difficult conversations. And I recognize that for me, I do get emotional and the emotion often is like, I don't want to talk about this and I just want to solve the problem. And Whitney would want to say, hey, well, Kwame, how are you feeling about this? What do you want to accomplish? And then, then I get more upset because I say, listen, I don't want to factor myself in this at all. What's important for you, what's important for Kai, what's important for Dominic? Let's figure that out. That'll be the solution. I'll deal with. I'll handle it. I'll handle me myself. And so that is a lack of vulnerability that is shrouded in stoicism, leadership, and self sacrifice. So I try to make it seem noble, but really what it is is an unwillingness to be vulnerable with my wife, which is a problem. And so I need to recognize in those moments that's an emotional response. It's not a thoughtful or rational thing to do. It's an emotional response. And once you start to, to take the time and have that conversation with yourself and get Honest with what it is that the behaviors are manifesting, what behaviors you have and why that you have them. Then it becomes a lot clearer what to do. It's just hard to do that. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that you're not perfect. But the faster you do that, the faster you can start to have more productive conversations.

That's a great point. I think that also goes into just having confidence about these conversations too. So it's understanding that your emotions are just as important as the other person. So if your emotions aren't addressed, that's not gonna be productive for anybody. Because guess what? You can't get rid of your emotions. You can't. So you need to. Yeah. Be vulnerable and open about it. And again, just having a problem solving mentality around that.

No, that's. That's really, really helpful. That's really helpful. Man, Whitney's gonna love this. This is. This is hilarious. This is hilarious. Well, what else do people need to keep in mind during these conversations?

So I have another tool that is the traffic light problem solving. So what you can kind of do is it's a analysis tool for your conversations. So let's just go with the green light. Green obviously means go ahead and proceed. You're. You're good. So that means that the emotions are down. You're able to have a productive conversation that is around solutions and. And you're just kind of, kind of having a conversation like me and you are. Yellow is proceed with caution. So maybe the conversation is getting a little more heated or, you know, maybe you're really starting to get into the nitty gritty of it. Okay, well, at that moment, you need to make sure that you're steering the conversation into a productive light and taking breaks when necessary. Red is when those explosions happen and it's going to happen. And that's okay. That is part of the problem solving process. But when a red light happens, that means, hey, we need to stop this conversation because it's not going productive. And maybe just go into a different room. Maybe take five minutes to calm down, do some breathing exercises, or even say to your partner, hey, I am super emotional right now. It's not productive to the conversation. How about we pick up this conversation another time?

That advice is so simple but so powerful. And it's something that we can all relate to. We understand what we should do at those, at those lights. Maybe, you know, we don't always do it, but we understand what we should do in those situations. And I think coming to terms with the reality that in this moment, sometimes now, simply is just not the right time to have a productive conversation. And I think about some of the conversations in the past where I've. Where that has occurred, and I would say, yeah, I mean, if I just didn't have that conversation, if we would have just read the tea leaves and recognized, yeah, red lights, no, no, no, we shouldn't, then we would have saved a lot of damage, you know, and so I think that's something that we can all keep in mind, not just in our relationship conversations, but in conversations in general. And there's no shame in, in being honest with yourself and the person you're talking to and saying, hey, you know what? I feel like this, the conversation is going in the wrong direction. Let's take a second, let's. Let's regroup and let's talk about this a little bit later. Because in the majority of these situations, it's not time sensitive to the point where you have five minutes to make a decision and then we're done. Right. It's usually not that type of situation. Usually it's something that's been simmering under the surface for a little bit, and you still have time. It's not a crisis in the moment. And so recognizing that you still have time is one of the most important things you can do, because then that'll help you to feel comfortable enough to say, hey, let's stop and let's come back again.

Absolutely, yeah. And I think what's also important is, yeah, that it might take 30 minutes, it might take two days, but when you are ready to take a break from the conversation or you're ready to resolve it, ending on the note of, hey, you're important, this conversation was super difficult. Either I need to take a break or we have a solution in place. But whenever you stop the conversation, it's letting the person know that they are still important and that they are still a huge priority for you and the conversation and the solutions are a priority for you as well.

This is great. I love this. Very, very helpful. Thank you, Maria. We appreciate it. And yeah, we need to have you on a little bit more. I hope this was helpful for the audience. I know this was like a personal therapy session for me, so I appreciate that. And again, let the listeners know about the Ask with Confidence podcast and why they should start listening to that one too.

Yeah, so we will have all that in the description below. But the Ask with Confidence podcast really just helps become a better leader and a more confident person in general. And of course, Please follow our LinkedIn page and our Instagram page and all of our social media stuff as well.

Fantastic. Maria, thanks again for joining us. Really appreciate it.

Thank you for having me on.

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