How to Use Emotions and Identity: Lessons from a 2 Year Old

Hello, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything. I'm Kwame Christian. I'm a business lawyer by trade, but my passion lies in teaching you the keys of persuasion and conflict resolution. My goal is to empower you to engage in these conversations confidently and effectively by not only sharing what works, but by also uncovering why these techniques work through revealing the psychological principles that lie behind persuasion.

This podcast is brought to you by the American Negotiations Institute, where we put on workshops that are designed to make your difficult conversations easier. These leadership workshops focus on conflict management and negotiation and will give you the confidence you need to get more of what you want without jeopardizing relationships. Check out the link in the description if you're interested in learning more. Hey, everyone. I know it has been a while since we've done a solo episode, but here it is. You know how I tell you all to reach out to me on LinkedIn, and a number of you have. So I appreciate that and I ask for suggestions and I take those into consideration seriously. And a number of people said that they wanted me to bring back solo episodes. So here it is, the first solo episode in a few months. So I'm excited to be back, and this one's going to be fun. I haven't talked about my son very much on the show, but I think it gives us a cool opportunity to look at negotiation and persuasion and psychology from a bit of a different lens. So this episode is going to focus on emotions and the concept of identity as it applies to persuasion and negotiation. And I'm going to base the lessons on two stories from Kai that people seem to like. So after I share those two stories and the lessons that we can extract from them, I'll give an example of how these two concepts can be blended together in one negotiation. And as you know, I love psychology and I love looking at children from a psychological perspective because children are really just incredibly unrefined humans. The prefrontal cortex, which is the most evolved and developed part of our brain that deals with logical reasoning, it hasn't developed yet in children. And so you're just left with the raw emotions and very little in terms of emotional regulation. And so this is. They give us great examples of what adults are like beneath the surface. And this is really important because sometimes we think we're having a rational conversation with an adult because it sounds like they're being rational and mature, but really we're having a negotiation with their inner child in disguise. So this episode is really meant to give you a better idea of who you might be dealing with in these difficult conversations. All right, story number one. So my wife is a doctor, and so she has to go to work early in the morning, and that means it's my responsibility to get Kai to daycare. And this is a battle. It has always been a battle. And it only stopped being a battle until I learned this technique. And so this was the situation that made me realize that I had a problem and I needed to fix it. So. So every morning when I would get up, I would say, hey, Kai, time to get to daycare. We need to brush your teeth, put on your clothes, and let's hit the road. And Kai would say, no. And I'm like, we've been through this. Why is this always a battle? And he says, I want Mommy. And so this is how we would start the morning. He would always start the morning by telling me the people who he loves more than me. So he would say, I want mommy. And I said, mommy's at work, Kai. You know this. Mommy's at work. I'm all you got. Let's go. And so it would be a battle. He would cry. I would want to cry, but I wouldn't. And it was just a really messy morning. And so we did this every single morning. And then one day, I recognized, we have a problem. Let's change this. So one day he says, I want mommy. Okay, Kai, Mommy's not here. Then he said, I want Grandma. I said, all right, that's new. Grandma's not here. I'm all you got. And then he says, I want Uncle Kobe. And so now this is getting a little bit hurtful, because Kobe is my brother who lives in Cincinnati. I live in Columbus. And so he doesn't see him that much. And so now Kobe outranks me. That's cool. All right. And then this was the kicker. He says, I want Buxton. And this one hurt because Buxton is my brother's dog who lives in Cincinnati. And so I'm like, I need to do something. So I bought this book called how to Talk so children would listen and listen so children would talk. And one of the things I like to do with my reading habits is take lessons from other areas. So this is developmental psychology. How can I use developmental psychology to become a better negotiator? How can I use this business management book to become a better negotiator? And so it wasn't only me reading this book for me. I was reading it for you, and here it comes. It worked. So in the book, the author said, what we need to do is we need to acknowledge the emotions of our children. And I was like, acknowledge. Acknowledge their emotions. Just background on me. For those of you who don't know, I'm a Caribbean American, first generation Caribbean American and Caribbean kids, we don't have rights. You know, our emotions don't matter. So this was a bit offensive to me. What is this? If I started a podcast in my youth, it would be called Negotiate Nothing, and every episode would be on obedience. So this is a new world for me, acknowledging the emotions of children. And so I was like, all right, so how do we acknowledge the emotions? So we need to figure out a way to acknowledge their emotions and let them know that there's some validity to their emotions without giving them what it is exactly that they want. So I tried it. So I tried it the very next morning. And so Kai woke up and he did his same old routine, I want mommy. And I looked at him, I said, you want Mommy? Yeah, I want mommy. You love mommy, don't you? Yeah, I love mommy. Yeah, I love Mommy, too. And then I said, can you say, I love you, Mommy? Tell mommy you love her right now. And so he said, I love you, Mommy. And I said, all right, Kai, are you ready to brush your teeth? And he says, yeah. And I was blown away. That was it. Nothing changed substantively. The only thing that changed was the fact that I was willing to take the time to acknowledge his emotions. And it's crazy how often in these difficult conversations, the person creates a substantive request that might seem ridiculous, but the reason they are asking for that thing is because they're not asking for it substantively. They're making an emotional ask. There is some bit of emotional validation that they don't feel like they're getting from you. And so instead of being just completely transparent and saying, this is how I feel, they'll ask for this to try to get that emotional validation through something tangible. But what they're really looking for is something intangible. So back to the story with Kai. He knew that his mom wasn't there, and he knew that it wasn't possible for mom to come and take him to daycare. But it didn't matter. He still asked for it because it was an emotional request, not a true substantive request. And that emotional request didn't disappear until he was convinced that I recognized that emotional need in him, and that's all he needed as a mediator. I've probably mediated about 100 cases at this point. And sometimes by simply acknowledging the person's emotions Their substantive request disappears. And that's it. That's it. Not all the time, clearly, but sometimes that's it. And even if it's not it, it plays a part in it. So acknowledging emotions is a good step to take in every one of your negotiations because it makes it EAS for them to come to an agreement because they feel like they've been heard. We are now offering conflict management and negotiation workshops for companies. If you like the content here and you think your team would benefit from getting a customized seminar, then all you need to do is email me or.

Go to the American Negotiation Institute's website to learn more.

And now back to the show. So the big question is, how do we acknowledge emotions without giving in? How do we let them know that they've been heard emotionally without giving in to the substantive request? One of the guests that's going to come on the show in the next month or so, her name is Karen Briscoe. I had her interview last week, and she gave us a really good formula for acknowledging emotions. And it is feel, felt, found. And so you acknowledge how they feel, you show that you respect how they feel, and then you let them know that other people in the same situation have felt the same way. So that gives them a little bit of validation. And then you say what you found. And we found that in certain situations, blah, blah, blah. And so you're not giving up substance, but you're also letting them know that their emotions have validity. And so what you're trying to show in this process is that based on your beliefs and experiences, I can understand how you got to that conclusion. And that's all they want to hear. If you start off with a conversation by saying you're crazy, you're gonna have problems. You're gonna have a lot of problems. So start off with acknowledging emotions first. And now onto our second story. Kai is 2 years old, and we're trying to get him to stop using his pacifier. And so I know parents in the audience might say, wow, two years old. He really should have stopped using his pacifier a little bit ago. And you're probably is that at the end of the day, we find ourselves running very, very low on resistance when it comes to dealing with Kai when he's sleepy. And Kai knows this, he knows this, and he leverages our weakness for his own gain. And so I found a little trick that I've been able to use successfully to get him to stop using his pacifier. And so one thing that babies hate, they absolutely hate being called babies because they always want to grow up. They want to feel like they're adults. They think it's cool. But then, of course, you become an adult and you're like, wow, this kind of sucks. But anyways, so what I found is that if I tell Kai, kai, give me your pacifier, he'll say no. He'll rebel. He doesn't want to feel as though I'm telling him what to do. But I found that if I say, are you a big boy? He'll say yes, and then he'll just volunteer his pacifier. And so pay attention to this. I didn't say anything about the pacifier in the second scenario. I just simply asked him a question, are you a big boy? And he'll say yes. And he knows what comes with being a big boy. And that means surrendering your pacifier. So in general, people make decisions based on either identity or consequences. And so when it comes to consequences, this deals with the outcomes and the incentives that are at play. What's in it for me? How does it help me? Or how does it hurt me? But when it comes to identity, this answers the question, what does a person like me do in a situation like this? And people will be willing to put themselves in horrible situations with clearly bad outcomes based on their identities, because it is so critical to them to act in accordance to their identities. So before every negotiation, the question we need to ask ourselves is, what are the various identities at play, and which is the identity that is most beneficial for me in this negotiation? So, first of all, how do we know which identities are at play? We do this not only by having a good understanding of the parties in the negotiation and the overall circumstances that surround the scenario, but we also do this by engaging in small talk. We need to get to know the person the personally as well as professionally, if possible. And small talk gives us that opportunity to learn more about the person in an unguarded situation. And so if I'm negotiating with an attorney, I know they're an attorney, I know they represent their clients, et cetera, et cetera, they're very obvious types of incentives that come with that. But if I then understand that the person is maybe a teacher or has taught in the past or is a parent or something of that nature, there are other things that go along with those identities that might be more beneficial to me in the midst of a negotiation. And so what I want to do then is trigger those identities so they think more like a mother or a father or a teacher than as a lawyer, because speaking to that Identity would most likely lead to better outcomes for me, perhaps depending on the circumstances. And in the example it'll become more clear. So the question is then, how do we trigger those identities? So when you look at the situation with Kai, the way I triggered it with him is by simply asking a question, are you a big boy? That is one way to do it. And the reason asking questions is so powerful is because you're not telling them how to think or how somebody like them should think in this situation. Because if you do that, it will lead to resistance just because you said it. There's a concept called reactive devaluation. And I'll say it again because it's a lot of syllables, reactive devaluation. And essentially that is because you said it, I don't believe it, or because you said it, I'm going to fight it. So some of these things need to come from within them. And by asking these questions, you could use it to trigger certain identities and then they will act in accordance with those identities without you being so explicit about triggering it or telling them how they should act. Another example is that you can trigger these identities by telling stories and telling a story where they can identify with the protagonist in a similar situation. And that allows them again to come to the conclusion themselves. They see themselves in the story, they put themselves in the position of the protagonist, and then they would ask themselves, what would I do in that situation? So one of the questions people ask is, how do I do it on the fly? How do I do this? This is really tough. This is a lot to think about in the midst of a conversation. And it is. And so to the question, how do I do this on the fly? The simple answer is, you don't do it on the fly. You can't do this on the fly. It's incredibly difficult. And this is why I harp so much on preparing beforehand. I created this 18 page negotiation guide. So if you go to americannegotiationinstitute.comguide and there's a link in the description of this podcast episode too, so you can just click on it there you can get this 18 page negotiation guide that outlines the top three skills of effective negotiators. And it has a negotiation preparation guide, a conflict management guide, and a salary negotiation guide that you can use to systematically prepare for your negotiations before they happen. And so that preparation allows you to know what types of questions you want to ask in what situations and what kind of stories you want to tell in what situations to trigger the right kind of identity and put Yourself in the best position for success. Here's a quick example of triggering identities in people. I remember a few years back, I was representing a child care facility and their landlord wasn't the best. There were some conditions that were objectionable, let's put it that way, and they wanted to make some changes, but they weren't making any headway with the property management company. And so that's when they brought me in. So in my research, I found that the person that I was going to be talking to actually was on the board of his church. And he was the one at his church who spearheaded the creation of a childcare facility on the premises of the church. And after I did a little bit more digging, I found a video of him talking about how he felt called to serve in this way and how he cared about the children, et cetera, et cetera. And so before I started the negotiation with him, I mentioned that I saw that he was on the board and I asked him about the service that he was doing. And so the reason I wanted him to talk about it was because I didn't want him to think about himself in the role of a property manager, protecting the interests of his clients, which was likely to try and save as much money as possible and not do the repairs in a timely manner. I wanted him to think about himself as a spiritual person who cares about the well being of children. And I thought triggering that mindset in him would put him in a more favorable position for my negotiation. All right, now here's an example of how you can put these two strategies together. So we are going to start off by acknowledging emotions and then by triggering the right identity. This would be a lot better with a sparring session, but it's just me this morning, so I'm going to do my best. So in this example, you are a property manager and you have an angry tenant. There are repairs that haven't been done, it's taken too long, and they are furious. The person who's the tenant is a single mom with two kids. She works really hard, she's a working professional, but she does not take any junk from anybody. She's livid, she is furious and she wants to leave. Not only does she want to leave the property, but she wants to sue the company and leave the property. Because for her it is the principal. You treated me wrong. I'm going to get you back. And I want to make a point. And an important point is she has an eviction on her record, which would make it difficult for her to relocate quickly. So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you five seconds of silence, and I want you to think about how you would approach this situation, and then I'm going to jump in. Okay? So acknowledging emotions, here's what we would do. Let's say her name is Mary. Mary. Yeah, let's go with Mary. Mary, I understand that you feel mistreated, and I apologize because you have every right to feel that way. I've had other people who've rented out properties in the past who have felt the same way when it's taken too long to get to them when it comes to these repairs. So I apologize again. Mary, let me ask you something. You're a mother, right? Yeah, I'm a mom. I have two kids. Okay. Well, this reminds me of a situation a few years ago when a mom, she had three kids, actually, she left, she had an eviction on her record, and it was a situation where she didn't feel like she was being treated right. We tried to bring her back in, and we tried to make those repairs, and we ultimately did. But she said, just because of the principle, she didn't feel comfortable staying, and we understood that, so we let her out at the least. And so when she left, she couldn't find a place because of the eviction on her record. It took her a few months, but in that time, she ended up spending a couple of months in a homeless shelter trying to get it back on her feet and figure out where she was going to go next. And it was really, really hard on her kids during that time. And I don't want that to happen to you. So is there any way that we can just continue talking and see what we can do to make this work? So in that situation, what we did is we first acknowledged emotions. We said, you are right to feel this way. I'm not going to fight you on that. You're right to feel this way. And then you use the feel felt found technique, and then you tell the story because you're triggering the emotion. Actually, we started with a question. First to confirm that she's a mother, and then we use the story to change her focus from being somebody who was frustrated and wanted to make a point to somebody who wanted to do what's best for her children. Because those two identities, the person who's taking a stand and the person who's a mother, very, very different. Because the person who's a mother is always going to do what's best for her kids, even if it means giving up the fight based in principle and those other values that she holds dear. So I hope that example helped. Hope this episode helped. And before you go, I have to make a request. So I have a lot of people who have reached out to me after watching the TED Talk or listening to the podcast and they say that they would be interested in a book. So I'm working on it. I'm about halfway done, but I want to reach out to you all and ask if you have any suggestions. The reason the podcast is as good as it is right now is because I take the suggestions of the listeners and I really appreciate your input. And so I put this survey in the description of this episode. You could just click on it. It is a two question survey and it would be so helpful if you could just say, hey, this is something I'd like you to address in the book. If you haven't listened to the TED Talk yet, I suggest doing it because the book is meant to be kind of an extension of the TED Talk, going deeper into that concept of compassionate curiosity and finding confidence in conflict. But that's all I've got for today. Thank you for listening and I will catch you in the next one.