Mastering Self-Control in Difficult Conversation - LinkedIn Live Event

Hello, my friend, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything Live. In this special segment, we're sharing one of our LinkedIn Live events where listeners like you can join the conversation and shape the episode with your comments and questions. We've put a link to the event in the description of today's episode, but make sure to follow me on LinkedIn so you can join the conversation next time. I'm really glad you're with us today. We with over 10 million downloads and listeners from more than 180 different countries, it's dedicated listeners just like you who have made Negotiate Anything the number one negotiation podcast in the world. I'm your host, Kwame Christian. I'm a business lawyer, mediator, author, and the proud CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. Now, before we dive into today's episode, I have a golden opportunity for those of you who recognize the power of negotiation in your professional lives. At the American Negotiation Institute, we've crafted specialized keynotes and workshops tailored for those very needs. We've transformed the negotiation skills of professionals worldwide and we're eager to do the same for you. We believe the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And our goal is to help you improve your lives and the lives of those around you one difficult conversation at a time. Don't let another challenging conversation leave you second guessing. Click the link in the description to discover how we can help you find confidence in conflict, negotiate better deals, and have stronger relationships. Because in the world of business, every conversation counts. And now, without further ado, let's jump into the interview. Hey everybody, good to see you again. Welcome to today's LinkedIn Live. So I wanted to give a shout out and a welcome to the folks who are joining us live on LinkedIn. And I also want to give a shout out to the folks who are joining us asynchronously after the fact. Whether you're watching the replay on LinkedIn Live or you're catching this on YouTube or on the Negotiate Anything podcast, welcome to everybody. And now, you know, we like to start this off with Kwame trying to make sure that this stream is working. So go ahead and put some love in the chat, let us know where you're coming in from. Let's see how how many folks are here. And then as you do this, I will do my my typical influencer move here. If you are listening on LinkedIn and you have yet to follow me, please follow me because I post new content that's helpful in the realm of negotiation, conflict resolution and leadership. Every single day. So if you're new to our tribe, welcome. Join us subscribe so you can get access to more events like this. If you're a listener to the of the podcast, make sure you subscribe and leave a five star review. And on YouTube, make sure you like and subscribe as well. All right, we got people coming in. We got Tara from the Bay. We got the Detroit, Philly, Denmark. Very cool. Toronto, New York City. I was in New York that last week and this week I was there for about a week. We did the presentation. It went really well. Florida, Cali, Maryland, Tennessee, Texas, Jamaica. Danny K. I'm looking forward to your, your summary of this. So everybody, every week I post a, our team posts a roundup of all of our podcast episodes. And Dann Danny K. Always leaves these really, really great summaries of the episode, which is awesome. So check that out. We got Boston, Florida, Brazil. Yes. Valeo like that. I've been to Brazil twice. Love it. Rio is amazing. Northwest Ohio. Rashida I was, I grew up in Tiffin, Ohio. So we might be, we, we might have similar upbringings there. Well, great. Glad to see that we're live, excited to rock and roll. And today we're talking about mastering self control in, in difficult conversations. This is something that has come up a lot. A lot. And when you all hear in the audience, when you hear mastering self control as the topic of today's LinkedIn Live, what is it that you hope to get out of this? What would make this a win for you? So go ahead and put your goal for today in the chat. And my hypothesis is that the majority of us will have similar goals, similar challenges and similar things that we want to accomplish when it comes to life, learning the art of mastering your emotions and having self control in the middle of difficult conversations. Now I want to be clear here. When it comes to managing your emotions and mastering the art of self control in the heat of the moment, this is something that everybody struggles with. Everybody. Now we all struggle with it to different degrees and we will struggle with it in different ways in, in different circumstances, but it's something that we all struggle with from time to time. And what's interesting is that sometimes it might be easy for us to perform and manage our emotions and display self control in a work environment, but we might not be able to do it at home. Or maybe we can do it at home, but we can't do it at work. Right? It's different for different people. Or maybe you can do it in general, but when you talk to A specific person on a specific topic. It's really tough for you to keep it together. So what is it that we're trying to accomplish? Let's read off some things. So when I get emotional, I get quiet and go blank. I would like to retain the ability to respond instead of shutting down. Yeah. And when you think about it, we have, like, fear responses. Fight, flight, freeze. So that's an example of the. The freeze response just shut down. So we might freeze in the moment in front of the person, not have anything to say. Or it might be a combination where we just flight. We run away from the situation, we excuse ourselves, we don't engage, and then when the. Tries to reach out to continue the conversation, we kind of ghost. We're not comfortable having the conversation at all. So, yeah, that is a tough one. It is a tough one. That's good, Whitney. Keeping my cool when I really want to tell somebody about themselves in the most disrespectful way. Everybody, Whitney has the same last name as me because we are family. Whitney's my wife of 13 years. And Whitney, I would say that is. That is true. We. I've saved many lives from Whitney in these situations. But of course, Whitney, the good doctor, she's always about saving lives in general. So, yes, I'm with you. With. And we all. We all struggle with that too. Let's get a couple more. Emily says, I have my mindfulness skills somewhat established. But what does verbal but what does verbal check in look like while in a conversation? Oh, that's so good, Emily. I think one of the best things that you can do in these difficult conversations is almost turn it into a meditation of sorts. With the right mindset, you can turn almost anything into a meditation. I know for me, in desperate times, when I was up late with the baby, and Whitney's going to chime in and say, when were you up late with the baby? I did it. Sometimes I would turn the baby's cry into a meditation. Try to find the rhythm in that, and the conversations will have rhythms. You want to pay attention to your breathing. And if you're a little bit more mindful, it helps you to regulate your emotions too. Now, when it comes to the verbal check in in the middle of a difficult conversation, it's tough. And so what I would do, and this is a bit of foreshadowing, one of my favorite things that I do when it comes to emotional regulation and a tough conversation is I got my notepad, my iPad. I'm always taking notes. And so if we get To a point where I'm starting to feel triggered. I turn the note taking process into a mini meditation. I'm going to settle down and I'm going to say, hey, if you don't mind, let me take a couple notes. You just, you said something really interesting. And I'm going to focus on the. The. The physical feedback of the pen going across the paper, my hand gliding across there. And I'm going to control my breathing. And I'm going to ask myself, what am I feeling? Why am I feeling this way? What should I do next? And I'm not going to go back to the conversation until I feel a little bit better. So you can still do a verbal check in, but you just do it internally by creating pauses in the conversation. And then let's get a couple more. I see Artie and Debbie not letting my emotions show. Now, Debbie, that's an interesting one. That's an interesting one because there are times where it is appropriate to be mindful of our emotional expression when it doesn't serve us. But then sometimes, strategically, you might recognize that showing a little bit of emotion is a good thing. And then there might be the other side where you might not have a good poker face. Some of us don't. I know for sometimes I don't. And so what I do is I let people know how I'm feeling. I'll just say, hey, just an FYI, if you're sensing anything, I'm not frustrated with you. This is just a tough situation for me in general. So if any of my emotionality leaks out in advance, I want to apologize. It is not about you. This is not a personal thing. This is just a tough situation for me. Sometimes if you can't hide your emotions, which will happen, one of the best things you can do is to become a marketing professional for yourself. You're going to say, hey, listen, this is who I am. This is how I'm feeling, and this is how you should interpret it instead of just letting them sense it, not understand where it's coming from, and then interpret it in a very negative type of way. So, yeah, we have to be very mindful of how we express our emotions. But for many of us, it's really tough to completely hide our emotionality. And then if you happen to be one of those people where it's like, I cannot hide my emotionality, then it might become even more frustrating and more difficult to hide your emotionality and control it because you're trying to accomplish something that is actually impossible in the moment. If you're really, really, really upset. That emotional leakage may have no choice but to come out in some way. It might be your tone, it might be your body language. Who knows what it is? But you want to be able to interpret that and tell the story because they will tell a story and it probably won't be flattering. Hello, my friends. Before we get back to today's episode, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better, difficult conversations? At the American Negotiation Institute, we offer transformative keynotes and work workshops tailored to empower professionals with top tier negotiation and conflict resolution skills. Whether it's a keynote for your next event or hands on training for your team, we've got you covered. Don't just negotiate. Master the art with the American Negotiation Institute. Click the link in the description to find out more. Elevate, negotiate and succeed. Artie wants tips on exercising veto power to step into the gap between the the stimulus and the response of only nanoseconds. Oh, this is great and well phrased question. So essentially what we're talking about is that internal ability to mediate between stimulus and response, right? Because here's something that we have to understand when it comes to managing our emotions and displaying self control. Our emotions will have first shot at interpretation. Our emotions will have the first shot of interpretation. So this is a great opportunity for us to segue into the material. So I'm going to simplify this psychology as much as possible if you want a really, really nerdy breakdown. In my two books, Finding Confidence in Conflict and how to have Difficult Conversations About Race, I go deep into the psychology of emotion management to help people understand what's actually happening. Because once you start to understand what's happening psychologically, it really helps you to appreciate what's happening in the mom moment and it becomes less scary. So big picture, I want to focus on two major brain structures. So we have the amygdala, which is the, the, the source of all of your emotions, both positive emotions and negative emotions. And then we also have the frontal lobe where we have our highest level thinking. So logical reasoning, emotion management, executive function, rational thinking, all of those things exist in the frontal lobe. This is the biggest brain region right here. And so here's the key that we have to understand. There is an antagonistic relationship between these two brain structures. So if your amygdala is firing and you're very emotional, you're not going to think Very clearly. If you're thinking very, very clearly, you're not going to be as emotional. It's an either or proposition. So what does this mean when it comes to emotion management? We have to recognize that there are two people in this conversation. It's you on the other side. And so we have to be able to manage our, our emotions first before jumping in and trying to manage the emotions of other people. And so if we recognize that we are getting very, very emotional, we can feel it. Everybody has their tells, like you. Within your own body, within your own mind, you can start to figure out what are those tells for when you start to get emotional. Sometimes it might not be obvious, and it's when you are emotional, but you don't recognize that you are emotional. Those are the instances where it is most dangerous because you're making emotionally based decisions and not even recognizing that you are right. So I know for me, some tells are I can feel a little bit of tension in my chest and shoulder that that's something I can feel my body starting to heat up. When I start to feel those things, I say, okay, you know, the emotions are coming up. Number one priority. Number one priority when I start to feel emotional is I need to address that emotional challenge. I need to regain control because I cannot trust my decisions when I am under the influence of emotions. Right? It's think about drugs and alcohol. Those are mind altering substances. Emotions are mind altering substances. You might think you're good, but you're not. And so whenever you start to feel that level of emotionality, you need to become more skeptical of those thoughts that are coming through those, those beliefs that are coming through. Because there is a difference between facts and feelings. But in the moment, they will feel exactly the same. And so that's why we need to become a little bit more skeptical and develop a little bit more self awareness to understand what is a rational thought and what is an emotional thought. Self awareness is the key. This is where it starts, okay? This is very, very important. So, Artie, now back to your question. How do we get to that point where we can inject some time? First we need to recognize there's a stimulus. That stimulus made me feel a certain way. We have to have the self awareness to recognize when we are feeling a certain way. And then after we get that feeling, we have to become comfortable with pausing. So this is a philosophical tip from a parent. Real quick, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. Once you say certain things, once you do certain things, you can't take it back. It's like you might really want to say something aggressive and insult the other person. And then after you say it, you can't just say, ah, my bad, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. The damage has already been done. And so one of the strongest things you can do is just slow down and pause. Like I said, I like taking notes. That's my way of pausing. Sometimes the level of emotionality might be so high that you say, hey, now is not even a good time for me to have this conversation. That that's another option. I've canceled meetings, I've canceled really high stakes negotiations because I didn't sleep well. And I'd let them know, like, I'm not going to be at my best right now. Let's reschedule it. And I think one of the best things you can do, injecting that pause, but knowing that the pause comes in different ways. It can come in the moment just three to five seconds before responding. It could come by taking notes. You get 15 to 20 seconds. The pause could come by saying, hey, I need to take a break. Let me come back. Let me prepare. Let me call you back in five. Right. Or it could just become from rescheduling. But I think it requires a lot of self awareness, number one, to recognize when now is not the time for you to be negotiating at your highest level. And number two, humility to admit it to yourself and do something about it. Because one of the keys here is just recognizing when you are susceptible to making a mistake and not putting yourself in a position to make that mistake. So that was a great question, Simona. I saw you flash something up there. All right. Darn. When I get emotional, I tend to elevate my voice. I want to be able to keep my voice in an even tone and still be able to get a strong point across In a man dominating field. It's been very difficult to acknowledge, to be acknowledged in the room. And yeah. So darn. First of all, remember this, Remember this important point. Sometimes in these tough conversations when we lose our cool, we give the other side permission to write us off and not listen. Is that fair? It is absolutely not. Especially when you consider the gender dynamics that you brought up. That's a really insightful observation. And so we have to recognize that it's not fair. You're not going to be evaluated fairly in this situation when it comes to displays of emotion in the workplace. And so we have to recognize that even though the game is not fair, we still have to Play the game. The psychology is what it is. But now that we know what it is, we can do something about it. So I started to smile as I. As I read your. Your question there, because this is something that I struggle with too, because I've recognized that when I start to get emotional, two things start to happen. I start to talk faster, and then my voice, like the volume starts to rise, and I can't recognize this again. It's really important to remember the fact that we don't ourselves the way that other people hear us. So I remember when I started a podcast, check out, Negotiate, anything. So when I started the podcast, one of the things that was really tough for me was hearing my own voice. I'm like, oh, my gosh, that's my voice. That's what I sound like. Very few people like their own voice, because why? You've heard your voice your whole life, but we've heard it differently. So if you are hearing your own voice, it's through the. The. The vibrations going through your jawline, going directly into your tympanic membrane. Your. Your. Yeah, that part of the. The ear that registers the sound through the hammer, anvil, and stirrup, the smallest bones in the body. So it's the sound reverberating through the bones in your body. You hear yourself through your own bones, not just through the air. They only hear you through the air. And so we actually sound differently to other people than we sound to ourselves. And that makes it harder for us to regulate tone, because for us, we sound fine to others. We don't just put us in the chat. Has this ever happened where you've been accused of yelling at somebody, but nobody thought, but you didn't think you were yelling? Has that happened where they said, please stop yelling? You're like, I'm not yelling. Right. It's your tone. So for me, what I've done is I recognize since I talk faster and louder when I'm more emotional, my rule, my simple rule that I follow is that if I start to get a little bit emotional, low and slow, that's what I say. I'm going to intentionally lower my voice and I'm going to slow down. And now when I'm talking like this, maybe it sounds condescending, perhaps it might sound condescending, but I have to recognize that there are different levels of mistakes that can be made in a conversation. When I was playing tennis, tennis is my favorite sport. Love playing tennis. My coach would tell me, like, they're better errors to make. So if you miss the Ball out, like long, that's a better mistake than hitting it in the net. Because if you hit it in the net and never had a chance to go in. And so I've recognized that with my tone. I would rather have the misinterpretations of going low and slow with my voice than the misinterpretations of going fast and loud with my voice. Fast and loud can sound aggressive, right? And so I don't want that. And so we have to recognize what our tell is and then beforehand have a game plan for how we're going to address it. If I feel this way, this is what I'm going to have to do. This is an element of preparation that's often missed. Emotional preparation is great. Most people, first of all, most people don't prep for their negotiations or prep adequately, but then if they do, it's just research. Just research is good, but it's not sufficient. We need strategic preparation that talks about the X's and O's of the conversation. What am I going to say? When am I going to say it? What if they say this, those type of things? Right. But then we also have emotional preparation. What are my triggers? What are some things that I feel strongly about in this conversation? What are some things that they might say or do that might trigger me and make me feel in a certain way? If or when that happens, what am I going to do in that moment to recover? Right. You want to go through all of these things. Michael Phelps, one of the winning, winningest Olympians ever, when he was doing his. When he. In one of his races, the goggle slipped off and so he couldn't see. He couldn't see. And so that it was. He was swimming blind. It was really tough for him, but he'd rep. He'd gone through the process so many times and visualized it so many times that he didn't even need to have that. And so what I want you all to do is start visualizing a little bit more in be in your emotional preparation. If they say something offensive, if they say something mean, if they say something disrespectful, how am I going to recover? What am I going to do? What am I going to say? Just making that little shift can really help you so you're not trying to search through different strategies in the heat of the moment when you're triggered. It's an if, then proposition. Oh, they said something disrespectful. I know what to do. I'm going to say this and I'm Going to recover in this way. Really important. Good. When I get emotional during a difficult conversation, I tend to shed tears, which is usually hard to control. The ability to not drop those tears will be grateful. Help. So this is. And tell me if this resonates with anybody else too. So if you start to get emotional and you start to cry, and then you start to say, oh my gosh, in your mind you're saying, oh my gosh, I'm crying. I need to stop crying. Does it feel like that effort to stop crying makes it worse? Like that? A lot of people can relate to that. That is one of the toughest parts about crying. And a lot of times, again, it's not, not going to put my interpretation on your situation, but I've heard other people, when they talk about the tears that they feel, it's not just sadness. A lot of times you're crying because you're angry. Sometimes you're crying because you're happy. Right. But again, it doesn't feel good to cry when you don't want to cry. That's tough. So here's one thing. If you know that crying is a potential for you given a topic, one thing that you could do is before the conversation, you could just say, hey, and by the way, I care a lot about this. And when I get really passionate, sometimes tears come. I don't want you to feel awkward or, or a little bit concerned about me in this situation. I don't need help. It's okay. It's just how I respond. And we can just keep on going through that. And so just by simply telling somebody, hey, this might happen, it helps you to recover in the moment because you're. You don't feel as much shame in the moment. But also if it does happen, you've already created a narrative around why it's happening, so there'll be less of a social penalty in those situations. And then I want to shout out great psychologist back in the day, Viktor Frankl, he created something called logotherapy. And so his book was Man's Search for Meaning. Fascinating perspective because he's a clinician, a psychologist, but he's also a Jew living in Nazi Germany. And it's his story going through Auschwitz. Incredible story. But one of the things he found with his patients is that it's the logotherapy talks about the power of opposite intention. And so sometimes by actually leaning in to what it is that you're afraid of, it can help that thing happen less. So he talks about a client that he had that had troubles with perspiration. When he got stressed out. And so he was always in his mind saying, I need to sweat less. I need to be cool. And that would make him sweat more. And so what he found was that when he actually encouraged him to say, no, sweat more. Try, like, try to sweat more, it's like it took the stigma away, which took the pressure away, which made the sweat stop. And so sometimes again, again, the act of trying to stop the tears from happening is exactly what keeps them going. If you just accept that this is part of your emotional process, and emotions will hit you like a wave. It'll come over you, but it'll pass. And so if you're able to kind of accept that, it might help you to recover a little bit faster. But it's tough. I mean, it's something I struggle with, too, Especially when I think about the impact the work that I have, like, the impact of my work, it gets me excited. I. The pride makes me really emotional. And so what I've started to do is when I feel that I slow down a lot, and then I punctuate a little bit more. And so if I start to feel it, it might sound something like this, where I stop, I allow myself to feel it, and I take about 5 seconds, take a deep breath, and then go back into it. I think it's those times where we try to power through, when we just try to bully our way through that emotion, that the emotion starts to fight back. And they're like, no, no, no, no, no. Now I'm crying harder. So. So try this first. It's the branding, and it's trying not to resist as much in the moment. But I also think that emotional preparation could help as well. Cool. Michelle always showing up. I appreciate it. Justin Justice Ginsburg is quoted as teaching that we should spe. Our voice shakes. Vulnerability is sincere power. Embrace it. Powerful words, powerful words. One quick moment. 1:24. January 24th. Happy birth time to Whitney. So I always. I always, whenever I can tell her, happy birth time. That's cool. Great. All right, what else? This is great. And we don't even need an outline for this, Simone. We're just flowing. This is great. Carol says, do you believe reactionary responses are the same as an emotional response? What's the difference? I would say yes. And I would also say that as I'm defining an emotional response, I'm just defining a response that was not logically thought through. So, again, let's go back to these. Just the simplistic understanding of the psychology. I'm simplifying this for the sake of ease, easy understanding and communication here. So we have the amygdala and we have the frontal lobe. Like we discussed, the frontal lobe requires a little bit more time to process this. If you want to go deeper on this, like the psychology of it. Best book on it is Daniel Kahneman's book Thinking Fast and Slow. So he described it as System one versus system two. Processing. System one is fast, it's automatic, it's instant, it's instinctual. And so I would blend in my mind just for the sake of simple understanding. I would blend emotional and instinctual, more or less the same thing, because that happens instantly, without conscious awareness or without constant thought. And so I like to think about it very broadly in terms of automatic thinking versus actual intentional thought. And sometimes my simple rule is that if I come to an answer or want to say something or respond super, super fast, I'm more skeptical of that response because I'm thinking to myself, I have an instant response for this. It might be because my response is not rooted in logic. It might be because I didn't think about it at all. I'm just reacting. And so especially in crucial conversations, when these conversations are happening and the stakes are super high, I don't want to risk making a mistake because I felt compelled to speak and respond within a fraction of a second. If all it's going to take me to do this little mental evaluation is two or three seconds, I'm going to take two or three seconds to, to to make the decision of what I'm going to do or say next. So, yeah, I think the, the emotional reaction versus the instant instinctual reaction. To me, I find it more helpful and more actionable to blend those two because the distinction isn't as important to me. The thing that matters the most is am I thinking through what it is that I need to say and do next with the correct part of my brain? If I'm just responding with the amygdala, straight emotion, not probably not going to work out very well. But if I slow it down and I think it through, okay, yes, I've considered the consequences. I've considered my actions. I'm going to let it fly. That distinction is a little bit more helpful for me. Hey, Ryan. Good to see you everybody. Also, check out Ryan's episode on the podcast. Check out Michelle's episode on the podcast is always great to see, you know, podcast guests coming up. Ryan says having a game plan for the unplanned is critical to being able to navigate these difficult, intense Conversations as well. Absolutely, absolutely. And one of the cool things about Ryan's background is that he has a background in law enforcement, but also works with the C suite within companies too. So he's very familiar with these high stakes conversations. And you got to be prepared. You have to be prepared in the moment for the actual conversation, but you also have to prepare by taking the time to sharpen the skills. Because what I see is that a lot of organizations are encouraging people to have these conversations, have these conversations, have these conversations, but it's like they're giving licenses to drive without teaching people how to drive. You have to understand how to have the conversations too. That's really important. Cool. What else? What else we got? What other questions? Oh, another podcast guest, Patrick. His episode was great on, on like high stakes sales negotiations. Awesome stuff. And like a several time author to what, five books? Pat, is it? It's impressive. So check that out. For people who worry, I say the same thing. Go into a quiet room with all of your worries written on a piece of paper and just sit there. Try not to worry. It's impossible. Yes, yes. And one of the things that I've started to do is like, we have to remember that emotions carry messages too. We don't want to completely discount emotions. They carry important messages. The problem is a lot of times we misread the message. So I'm. Let's say you're angry and then you say, yeah, I'm angry, I need to lash out right now. You misread the message there. Because anger, let's think it through. Anger is often a secondary emotion, not a primary emotion. Which means anger usually happens as a result of another emotion. So anger is an interesting one. What's the message? The message from anger is that I might be feeling something else, might be disappointed, I might feel betrayed, I might feel confused. Like all of those things could lead to anger. Interesting. This anger is carrying a message. What is that message? And let me attack the root of that emotion rather than attacking the person on the other side. So I think again, as we slow things down, just understand every emotion has a message. And sometimes the message just might be, this is a conversation of consequence and I care about this situation. That's it. That's still important to recognize. And there's no harm going back to what Michelle said, there's no harm in being vulnerable in that moment. Yeah, I'm feeling this way because I care deeply about this. Or I'm feeling this way because I'm. I'm hurt. Right. Go ahead and let People know. I think that's it generates a little bit more trust and that vulnerability demonstrates strength as well. I'm not afraid of my emotions. And it might help you as we go through this conversation to understand what you're seeing from me and why you're seeing it too. Good. Cool. I only get emotional when it feels like I'm being attacked. I need to work on removing the emotion and continue the conversation as carefully as possible. Yeah, absolutely. And again, easier said than done. Easier said than done. When we think about self control, that was the topic of this, right? That's the title, Self control. To me, when I think about self control, it's the, the ability to do the right thing when it's hard. Because I think for most of us, when you look at these tough conversations and we look back on our performance and we might have said, oh, I didn't perform well. No, let's evaluate that. The only way you could come to the conclusion that you didn't perform well is if you have some idea of what performing well would be. So it's not a situation that you don't know what to do or you don't know what to say. The challenge is doing the right thing and saying the right thing while you are feeling those emotions. That's the challenge. And so for the person who made that comment, talking about the. They only get emotional when they feel attacked. This is very important intel to know about themselves. Right. So then going through the conversation, as we're preparing for the conversation, what would be helpful is actually listing all of the potential attacks that may come your way. They might attack me for this, they might attack me for that. They might attack me for this. If they attack me in those types of ways, how am I going to respond? Easiest way. Again, you know, I, I talk about it a lot. It's a framework I created. The compassionate curiosity framework would be a great way to respond. So, yes, I know I talk about it all the time because it works in every single conversation. It does. Scientifically. We'll like. I, I will not go off on this tangent. You could read the books if you want the psychology, but trust me. So in this situation, let's say you've been attacked, what you could do beforehand is you say, okay, step one of compassionate curiosity, acknowledge and validate the emotions. Step two of compassionate curiosity, get curious with compassion. Step three in compassionate curiosity, joint problem solving. So what would that look like? If you get attacked? So somebody attacks you, you should have gotten this done at this time, whatever the context might be, and Then acknowledge and validate emotions. It sounds like you expected to receive XYZ within this time. And correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like you're disappointed about the fact that you did not get it in that timeline. Do I have that right? Yeah. And then they go on and they talk a little bit more. Right. So I'm not, I'm not attacking back here. I am going to let them know, hey, I see you. I'm getting a better understanding. And then I'm going to get to getting curious with compassion. So tell me more about your perspective on the timeline. Okay. And can you help me to understand the impact it had on you? Whatever it is, you're gathering all of this information and then you say, listen, I, I can understand this because based on what you told me, and then you summarize everything. Is that a fair synopsis? Yeah, it's a fair synopsis. Okay. So I can empathize with your situation. And this is what was happening on my end. I want to be clear on this. And then you state your position, and then you say, considering these, your perspective and my perspective, what can we do to make sure this doesn't happen again in the future? That's how you transition to joint problem solving. And you just cycle through that framework over and over and over again. Just keep it simple. It's like Bruce Lee said. He said, I don't fear the man who knows 1,000 kicks. I fear the man who has practiced one kick 1,000 times. And the reality is, for the majority of these conversations, just having the simple framework of compassionate curiosity, that's going to get you through the day in the majority. And then if not, that's when you can layer in higher level negotiation, persuasion and conflict resolution techniques. But this is a really safe base for you in these conversations. Cool. Lee says pauses are very key when relaying the best. Relaying best those on the other side of the pauses, it yields everyone and gives everybody the opportunity to be at their best and really does usually benefit the overall outcome. Absolutely. And remember, with pressure, what is pressure like? That's a feeling. That's a sensation. But if you were not in your body in this context and you were maybe just a passive observer, you wouldn't feel it. Like pressure isn't ubiquitously felt by everybody in the same way in the same context. And so we have to recognize that pressure will make us feel like not only do we need to respond, but we need to respond really, really, really quickly. And we have to be, again, very skeptical about that feeling because It'll lead us to make bad decisions in the moment. And it reminds me of a very simple rule that my dad taught me when he was teaching me how to drive. He said, son, you're going to make more mistakes by driving too fast than by driving too slow. So if there's ever a time where you have questions, slow down. If you're not sure, slow down. Same thing applies in difficult conversations. Also, interestingly, just thinking about body language and reading people, the people who slow down and can really own that moment and not respond to the pressure that tells them, hey, I need to be faster, I need to be faster, I need to be faster. The people who can own that moment and truly pause people observing that, they're going to notice that that will come off as confidence. We think it'll come off as indecision, but a lot of times it comes off as confidence. Man, if I were in that situation, I would feel like I need to respond really quickly. That person just attacked. I felt I would feel like I need to clap back really fast, set the record straight. But the person was unfazed by that attack, and they just sat back, reasoned with it it, and then summarized it. Wow. That person has power, that person has confidence. That person has self control. Right? And so, again, just learning to reinterpret some of these things, like the power of the pause, that is a great way to show the power that you have in. In sitting in that pressure and, and doing the right thing. It shows a lot of strength and resilience. Cool. I love this. Tabitha, I really like your thoughtful and inspirational content in LinkedIn, but you're even better live. Thank you. Listen, I'm even better liver. I love when I get to actually meet people and speak in person, but that means a lot. I. I appreciate this and it's fun because we get to. We get to play with each other a little bit more. You know, with this, you all control the content, ask me questions, I'll give answers. And we're. We're never quite sure where the conversation is going to go, which is, for me, the, The. The. The most exciting part of it. But this is great. I. I wish I could stay longer. I've got a run, but we have another one. We have another one coming up next week. My buddy Rebecca Zung is coming on the podcast, so she's going to teach us in this LinkedIn live that will be turned into a podcast and a YouTube page. We will talk about how to negotiate with narcissists and bullies. This is. It's going to be fire. It is really, really good. Multiple time best selling Author Rebecca Zung, top 1% attorney. Just incredible. And her YouTube page is really, really great. She has the number one negotiation YouTube page in the world, like over 300,000 subscribers. It's incredible the work that she does. So I'm really excited to share her work with you and really excited to spend time with you. I appreciate you all having just given me this feedback. Super helpful. For those of you who are listening on the replay and on podcast and on YouTube like and subscribe, follow me on LinkedIn. Let's keep the conversation going in the comments. The comments don't stop here, right? So this is great. Appreciate all of you. Glad that you enjoyed the advice and I'll catch you in the next one. I'll see you. Congratulations. You've just joined an elite club by listening to a full episode. You're now officially on the Negotiate Anything team. So welcome aboard. Welcome. What most team members do is they subscribe to the podcast because that allows them to automatically get the latest episodes of the show. The best things in life lie on the other side of difficult conversations. Keep learning, keep practicing and keep getting better. Your relationships will improve, your career will soar, and you'll have the confidence you need to get the most out of these crucial conversations. Again, thank you for joining the team. We're excited to have you and I will see you in the next episode. I'll catch you later.