Neena Newberry: The Power of Authenticity in Leadership

Hello, my friend, and welcome to another exciting episode of Negotiate Anything. Thanks for joining us today. With over 10 million downloads and listeners from more than 180 different countries, it's dedicated listeners just like you who have made Negotiate Anything the number one negotiation podcast in the world. I'm your host, Kwame Christian. I'm a business lawyer, mediator, author, and the proud CEO of the American Negotiation Institute. Now, before we get into today's insightful conversation, I have a golden opportunity for those of you who recognize the power of negotiation in your professional lives. Have you ever found yourself wishing that you could navigate those high stakes conversations with more confidence? Or perhaps you're looking to empower your team with the art of persuasion and conflict resolution? At the American Negotiation Institute, we've crafted specialized keynotes and workshops tailored for those very needs. We've transformed the negotiation skills of professionals worldwide and we're eager to do the same for you. We believe the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And our goal is to help you improve your lives and the lives of those around you, one difficult conversation at a time. Don't let another challenging conversation leave you second guessing. Click the link in the description to discover how we can help you find confidence in conflict, negotiate better deals, and have stronger relationships. Because in the world of business, every conversation counts. And now, without further ado, let's jump into the interview. Nina, thanks for joining us today.

Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Yes, and we are excited to have you, my friend. So how would you get us started? By telling us a little bit about yourself and what you do.

Sure. Well, I am a recovering Deloitte consultant that started my own company 15 years ago and it is all a about helping people get results that they couldn't get before. So we focus on leadership development, executive coaching, consulting around programs, speaking, workshops, and most recently added a technology platform called New Lens to make leadership development more affordable and scalable. Kudos to a lot of fun stuff and primarily with Fortune 500 companies.

Incredible. Incredible. And kudos on the app. There are a lot of people who say they want to build an app and there are fewer people who actually go through and do it. So kudos to you.

Thank you. Thank you. I feel like I've given birth a few times with this one.

That is great. And listeners, we will put a link to that app in the description of this episode and of course Nina's website. And that app really is in line with what it is that we're going to talk about today too. And so, listeners, I asked Nina the question I love asking all of our guests, and I loved her answer. So let's run it real time right now. Nina. So as it relates to human interaction in general, what is it that's giving you the most energy right now?

Well, I love helping people see themselves, like, truly see themselves for who they are. And that was part of the inspiration behind the name New Lens, which is about helping you see yourself, helping others see you, and leading through a new lens. And we've been through so many different challenges the past few years, and I think it's caused people to pause and say, wow, what do I stand for? What's really important to me? And, you know, what do I really want to bring to the table and how do I want to make a difference in the world? So I think it's great that it's prompted people to pause and reflect about what they really want. But for me personally, especially with a focus on strengths, helping people see themselves and step into it and own it in a way that they haven't before can change everything. And especially the higher up you are in organizations, the more people you're impacting with all of those things that you do. So the potential ripple effect is huge. And that gets me excited.

Yes, let's dig into this. And I think sometimes when it comes to addressing some of these more inner challenges that we have, I think it's helpful to paint a picture that's really clear for the audience in terms of what happens if we don't have these internal negotiations, what happens if we don't look within ourselves and step into our power and lean into our strengths as we try to authentically communicate with people. So can you kind of paint that picture for the audience of. To give them an idea of what's really at stake?

Sure, yeah. So, and there are two different ways I'm going to talk about this. One is just day to day what happens, and then what does that add up to over the longer haul? So day to day, that could mean things like you participating in a meeting or being in a conversation and not being willing to share some of your ideas and things that could have really made a difference. So whether you're challenging someone around what they're thinking, or whether it's an opportunity to broaden our perspective or consider some other factors because you're bringing a different viewpoint to the table. So that's pretty huge on a day to day basis and the effect that that can have. But the other part of this, over the long haul is that you may not be viewed as someone who is ready for bigger roles. So if you're not willing to speak up, you're not stepping into it. What does that really say about you? And especially, you know, earlier in our careers, it feels like more of a permission based interaction. You know, you think about your level a lot more and should I really be speaking up based on who's in the room? But the higher up you go, the expectation is regardless of what the titles are of the people in the room, you need to wear your business leader hat and step out of your role and contribute in areas that aren't your areas of expertise. Because you're supposed to be thinking about the organization holistically, right? So it really does shift over time, but it can make a big, big difference in terms of how people think of your readiness and preparedness for taking on bigger responsibilities and leading the organization.

Oh, this is so good. And so listeners, you can see why we're starting here, right? Because let's think about the day to day perspective versus the long term. It starts off by not sharing your ideas and then in the long term it turns into a perception that you're not ready for leadership. And when we think about negotiation, oftentimes we focus too much on the negotiation strategies and tactics and not enough on what's holding us back from putting those strategies and tactics into place. And so we're recognizing if we can't really identify who we are, what we stand for, and then step into that strength, then we don't even put ourselves in a position to negotiate. So the skills don't even matter because you're not having the conversations. This is great. And there's so many different ways we can go about this. Can you speak to the reality of the benefit and the empowering nature of accepting our contribution to the perspectives others may have of us?

Oh, yes, absolutely. And I'm also going to bring a female lens to this a little bit too. And frankly, even just across cultural lens, because I think some of these things get affected by both. And so if you are not really willing to step into this, there's meaning, step into who you are and really bring in those strengths. It makes such a huge difference for you personally in terms of how you're navigating your career. But also I think just you could be offered a position, right, offered a promotion, but you're still in there trying to earn the right to be in the seats when you're already in the seat. And I can't tell you how many times I have coached women and others as well, but, you know, it comes up more often with women just saying, you know, you already have the title, you already have the role. You are not in a place where you need to demonstrate that it was the right decision for them. They've made it already. Don't make them make the decision on a daily basis. Right. Again and again. So, you know, if you're not acknowledging what you bring to the table and you're looking at, well, here's where the gaps are, and that's where your focus is. It's really tough to tap into those things that you bring. So one of the things that I ask people to do is to make a list of all of the ways they're uniquely qualified to do the role that they're in. And it needs to be a comprehensive list. And what I mean by that is, don't be such a tough customer that you're not willing to put very many things on the list. Small things matter a lot, as well as big things. So just keep adding more and more, right? So sit there and do this exercise, and I will tell you, it is such a powerful tool, because when you're in those moments of doubt and going, oh, my gosh, can I do this? Am I qualified? You pull that list out, pull it out and take a look at it and go, oh, yeah, baby, I can do this. Right? I can do this. And these are all the reasons why I can. And handwriting, it is even more powerful because it engages your brain differently. So this is not a silly exercise, is actually a very powerful exercise. And it's not an egotistical exercise either. This is a way to show you what you bring to the table, and then from there, it's up to you how you want to use it.

This is great because essentially what we're doing is we're providing evidence for ourselves to substantiate our confidence. And I love the fact that you. You talked about how we often focus on what we don't have and not focus enough on what we do have. And if we're coming in focusing on where we are lacking, other people can sense that, and then it will lead them to kind of focus on that as well. And so we're seeing how what is happening on the inside radiates to the outside and can these perceptions that hold us back from opportunities that we. We truly deserve. This is incredibly powerful. And when you think about the people that you work with, what is it that holds them back the most from taking these steps?

Well, some of it Is that negative self talk? What are those things that they keep saying to themselves when things are tough and when they're challenging and how much are they attributing those challenges to what they're personally doing versus being able to see it more broadly? What's the situation? What's the circumstances? What are the power dynamics? You have to broaden the aperture or it gets really easy to be the center of your own universe. And all these things are happening because of me? Well, no, you know, if you really pause and look at it more broadly, you'll see there are a lot of other factors at play. So being able to show yourself the confirming evidence and the disconfirming evidence is important to get that balanced view. So I think that's the important starting point.

Absolutely. And again, it speaks directly to the internal dialogue that we're having. And I think sometimes we can get almost addicted to the negativity that it feels inappropriate to operate without that negative self talk. And I like that you're giving permission to be positive.

Well, the other part that come in, it can come into play and, you know, when I was making a reference to a cultural aspect too, or how we're even socialized, is it okay for me to notice what I bring to the table and to talk about it, or is that going to be viewed as me being arrogant and my head's too big to fit in the door? You're like, what. What is it really going to say about me and how uncomfortable does that make me? So that's something that I see as a barrier very frequently, you know, where people are worried about how they're going to be viewed and what does this mean? And, and one of the things I say to them, this is like an easy fix for something like that. Let's say you had a huge win, like, something that was a great accomplishment. And maybe it wasn't just you, maybe it was the whole team, but when you share big accomplishments with people from a place of enthusiasm, like, I don't know anyone who's going to say, oh my gosh, your head's so big, like, how could you be, you know, talking about yourself or thinking about your yourself this way? Usually they're just as pumped for you going, oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. This is so cool. Tell me more. So being able to allow yourself to tap into that joy, that enthusiasm, that excitement, like, what is it that's behind this that is making you so excited? Go there, go there, let that show and you'll see how that energy amplifies.

Hello, my friends. Before we get back to today's episode, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better, difficult conversations? At the American Negotiation Institute, we offer transformative keynotes and workshops tailored to empower professionals with top tier negotiation and conflict resolution skills. Whether it's a keynote for your next event or hands on training for your team, we've got you covered. Don't just negotiate. Master the art with the American Negotiation Institute. Click the link in the description to find out more. Elevate, negotiate and succeed. This is really great. I like that too, because it shows people are usually not turned off by like positive passion. You know, I really like that because it's not focused on yourself per se. It's focused more on the outcome. And tell me what you think about this, Nina. Because something that I found helps other people to be more comfortable. Letting people know about their own contributions is being more generous with legitimate compliments for other people. And so if you're constantly in the habit of pointing out where somebody else has done well, then it makes it a little bit easier for you to say, by the way, I did something well as well.

Yes, yes, it does make it easier. And frankly, I think the other part of it is, let's just take the example of you're part of a team and it wasn't just your accomplishment, it was a whole team's accomplishment. Many people will be okay giving the team credit, but somehow they forget themselves in that. And so part of what I tell them to do is think about their role as well as each individual's role in that overall outcome. So you can absolutely say, oh my gosh, it was a team effort. And you know, let's say John played this role, Susan played this role, and this is what I did. And so you're just completing the story. So part of it is recognizing what's your level of discomfort around sharing these kinds of things and then using that to help you figure out, okay, what's a way that I can just stretch myself just a little bit further to say some things. We also know those people who are, you know, what I call praise deflectors. So I do this session on tastefully tooting your own horn. And I'll tell you, this is one of the most popular topics I've ever spoken on. But I ask people to reflect about where are they on that self promotion scale. So one end of the spectrum Is this praise deflector, meaning as soon as this praise or compliment comes your way, boom. Like, just imagine you have a shield and it just bounces right off and it gets redirected and stuff somewhere else. So, you know, you don't, you don't want to be a praise deflector, because bottom line is, you keep telling people, no, it really wasn't me. It was all these other people, and it was all these circumstances. And you may be trying to be humble, but at the end of the day, you keep telling me the message that it's not that big of a deal, it really wasn't me. And maybe at some point I'm going to believe you, right? That, oh, well, maybe it really is the team and it's not you. So be careful, right? Your intent made to be humble. And so when we think about how we want to show up, because that's something that I speak about a lot, actually, that's one of the things in my book as well, is just being very clear about how you want to show up. So if humility is important to you, add that to the list. So, you know, I'm humble, I'm confident, and I also have something to contribute. Make it part of your criteria, but balance it out with the other positive things that you bring too. Because if it's just humility and now what you're doing is, you know, being a praise deflector or playing small, that's not going to serve you well. And it does shape your brand over time. So getting a sense of what is your brand today, what do you want it to be, and how do you continue to evolve it from a place of authenticity? Right? So again, seeing yourself and being able to step into it a bit more.

I feel like there are thousands of people all around the world who feel like, personally attacked by that. Nina, I'm one of them. I'm saying, oh, my gosh, I do the exact same thing. And you're so right. You're so right. Because again, let's think about how fundamental this is to setting yourself up effectively for the negotiation. It's going to be hard for you to be effective in a negotiation if for the past few months or few years you have been telling people that you're not that special when they have been trying to. To tell you that you are special. And let me frame this from a personal perspective. This is by no means a global thing, but I recognize that after spending some time, introspection, thinking through it, what I was calling humility was really insecurity I was afraid of the spotlight. I didn't feel comfortable with the praise. And so I would just try to get it off as quickly as possible and get the attention to somebody else. But I recognized I was missing out on opportunities. And so when I started to think about it through the people that I could help by simply accurately conveying how I could help people, and when I focused on them more so than myself, it allowed me to, like you say, toot your own horn in a way that isn't braggadocious or off putting.

Yes. I couldn't agree with you more. And I'm really glad that you brought that up because one of the ways that I get people to move past this is to think about what they're about to share. How can they make it relevant to others? Relevant and useful. So this isn't just about you. It's how do you want to be of service. And frankly, when people know what your strengths are and they understand those strengths now, they can start tapping into them. They can start pulling you into things that play to your strengths. And that is a win win. Right. That's something that's fun for you and that's also something that's really valuable for them. So, you know, again, you can step into it and own it a lot more if there's more clarity for others about what you bring to the table.

Powerful. Powerful. And Nina, before we go, there's. There's one last aspect that I want to make sure that we explore, which is authenticity. Because in the corporate world, in the business world, it's sometimes hard to be authentic and we sacrifice elements of ourselves in almost subconscious types of ways, and then we just become clones of each other throughout this organization. And so when it comes to difficult conversations in particular, but leadership in general, what is the value of authenticity?

Well, I think if we're all the same, you know, how are we really going to get creative and innovative and take things to the next level, whether that's for ourselves individually or whether that's for our teams or whether that's our organizations. And so what I have found is when you really try to approach things from a place of doing the right thing, doing the right thing, and elevating things up to a bigger picture of how can this truly be helpful. And so if I'm bringing a perspective that's going to be different than others or challenging something, it's in service of doing the right thing. So maybe we have this common ground, which is we all want to do the right thing for the company, for the Customer for the team. Like, elevate your conversation up to the level of us having common ground. And now we're on the same team working towards this, and you get to bring your own perspective to it. Right. But you put yourself on the same team. I'm not negotiating against you. It's not your idea versus my idea. This is our thing that we're trying to accomplish together. And so let me tell you what my thoughts are around this and how this can really help. And I know you really want this to work too, right? It changes everything. Gets you out of those really tough conversations that can be contentious, especially when there are power differences between the people that are in the room. But if you are the defender of doing what's right or focusing on goals that are common goals, it changes everything. It really, really does. I can't tell you how often I coach on this specific thing, and it. When you reframe it that way, it changes everything.

I feel like we could have a whole separate podcast and a book on this last point. This is exceptional because, first of all, I like coming to that point, that conversation with a general goal that everybody can get in line with. If you say, hey, my. My goal is to do the right thing. If somebody says, you know what, Nina? I like to do the wrong thing sometimes, hey, you're probably in the wrong place. Right. So I think aligning on, hey, our goals are to do the right thing, and we have X, Y, Z, common goals, maybe a specific mission for this conversation. And then by starting off the conversation with that positive momentum, it gives everybody a little bit more license to be themselves because we can operate with the benefit of the doubt. Yeah. I don't agree with what so and so said, but I do believe that we're moving in the right direction. We're trying to play for the same team and accomplish the same goals. And then just that spirit of collaboration permeates throughout the conversation and helps people to feel more comfortable being themselves and sharing what matters to them.

Yes, yes, definitely. And also, like in situations where you really do wonder is this person about doing the right thing? And you're kind of in this funky place. And that's where it was saying, if you can elevate it, elevate it to the level of, I know they at least want to do this positive thing. You got to get your own head around that. Because if you go into it really thinking that, no, they're just all about their own agenda and all of that, that can derail you in the conversation. So sometimes when you Put that positive intention. Hey, I know you care about what happens in this company. I know you care about the team. I know you care about the customer, whatever it is. And even if their behavior didn't really indicate that they did, all of a sudden, now they have to.

Yes.

Because who's gonna now start acting like they don't care about the team or the company and they're more important. It just, It. It's a. You know, you can't really step out of that situation when someone has labeled you with some positive intentions that are really powerful intentions.

Absolutely. Oh, that's good. I love it. And, Nina, I really appreciate this. This has been a masterclass. And before you go, remind the listeners again about your company how they can work with you and the book and the app.

Oh, thank you. Yes. So my company is Newberry Solutions, and the web address is newberrysolutions.com the app that we have is called New Lens, and it's about making leadership development more affordable and scalable. And we are super excited because I'm on a personal mission to democratize access to leadership development. I don't want budgets to get in the way. And we have a track record of over 75% of our clients getting promoted after their work with us. And so this is about packaging it and making it more accessible by leveraging technology in the overall process. So. And my book is called Show Up, Step Up, Step Out. And it's also in the spirit of micro learning and getting you to take action very quickly. So I am big on that, if you hadn't noticed that in this conversation so far. But the app is that way, the book is that way. So pick up a, you know, a chapter, and it's two or three pages, but it's all about helping you gain insight and take action. You have to read it cover to cover, go topic by topic. That resonates.

Love it. Nina, thank you so much for sharing with us today. Really appreciate it.

Thank you. This has been so much fun for me, so.

Likewise. Likewise. Congratulations. You've just joined an elite club by listening to a full episode. You're now officially on the Negotiate Anything team. So welcome aboard. What most team members do is they subscribe to the podcast because that allows them to automatically get the latest episodes of the show. The best things in life lie on the other side of difficult conversations. Keep learning.

Keep.

Keep practicing and keep getting better. Your relationships will improve, your career will soar, and you'll have the confidence you need to get the most out of these crucial conversations. Again, thank you for joining the team. We're excited to have you. And I will see you in the next episode. I'll catch you later.