Setting Boundaries: Political Dialogue—Doing It Right or Knowing When to Exit

Unresolved conflict or our inability to resolve conflict is the greatest existential threat to humanity. We are more likely to tear ourselves apart from the inside than any foreign invader that we might face. Right? And it's we are our own greatest adversary, but also our own greatest advocate. And if we can collectively as a society, get better at having these difficult conversations, get better at collaboratively problem solving and not seeing each other as enemies, but seeing each other as two imperfect people just sharing our versions of the truth, trying our best to make it through the day, I think we can make the world a better place. Hey, I'm Kwame Christian, and you are about to step into the world of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where we teach you how to make difficult conversations easier while getting more of what you want in the process. Each episode is packed with practical tips and strategies from the experts. We delve into negotiation, conflict resolution, and leadership skills that are crucial in both business and in life. Whether you're closing a deal, managing a team, or navigating personal relationships, Negotiate Anything provides you with the tools you need to succeed. Our conversations are real, relatable, and most importantly, rooted in practicality. So if you're ready to transform your conversations and elevate your negotiation skills, join me on Negotiate Anything. Subscribe and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen. Let's make every conversation a winning negotiation. All right, everybody, welcome to a solo episode. It has been a long time since I've done a solo episode, maybe years, potentially years since I've done a solo episode. So it's good to be back. And I think this is a good time to come back for one of these rare solo episodes. Because for those of you who don't know, it is election season in the United States of America. And I think as the CEO of the American Negotiation Institute, I feel obligated to produce something for such a time as this. But from the global perspective, this year is breaking records in terms of elections. Go democracy. I suppose. But this year, over 50% of the countries in the world are going through an election of some sort. So this is massive. So it's not just an American thing. We're seeing this all over the world. And so with this episode, I just want to offer you some tips, some encouragement, and some guidance as it comes to these difficult conversations that often come up in politics. And the reason I wanted to do this this year is because this year, more so than any other year, we're having a lot of clients. Some of Our biggest clients come to us not for negotiation trainings or sales trainings in this moment, but they're saying, hey, Kwame, can you and your team come in and put on some programming as it relates to the conversations about politics and these types of issues that are coming up in the workplace? Because when you think about not just in terms of domestic politics, but geopolitics as well, there's a lot happening in the US in the Middle east, in Europe, with Russia, Ukraine. And so there are a lot of heated conversations that are happening in the workplace. So they wanted to bring us in to help with those. But I think it's really important to recognize that with the work that we do at the American Negotiation Institute and our stance as it relates to talking about politics at work, we think it can be very divisive and it is very risky. So I want to make sure that we give a disclaimer here that this episode is not meant to encourage, necessarily, people to talk about political issues at work, but it's more to recognize that regardless of whether or not you want to talk about politics at work, it is likely that you might find yourself at some point in one of these conversations about politics at work. And it presents challenges from the leadership perspective. The leaders in companies are concerned about these types of conversations because they can be divisive and they can damage team morale and team cohesion, which makes it more difficult for people to collaborate with one another. And that makes the whole team less productive and less effective. And so that was the driver behind a number of our clients bringing us in. And so I really want to hammer home, yes, we are not encouraging people to have this conversation. We're not saying that the workplace is the place for these conversations. But if you find yourself in one of these conversations or you find yourself so compelled to have these conversations, we should do it the right way. So I like to think about the skill set utilized in these conversations as a conversational seatbelt. We don't wear seatbelts because we are hoping to get in car accidents. We wear seatbelts because it is possible that we could get in car accidents, and we want to make sure that we are safe if that occurs. Similarly, with these skills, you might not want to find yourself in one of these conversations, but it is good to have the skills to navigate these conversations. And I also think, just simplifying this process, it's important to think about this and other difficult conversations in one of two ways. We need to have an engagement strategy, but we also have to have a disengagement strategy. Because if you're going to wholeheartedly engage in the conversation, there's a way to do that. If you want to disengage from the conversation, there is a way to do that. And both of those situations, both of those considerations are equally as valid, depending on the circumstances. So I want to jump into this episode at a unique place, not you talking directly to another person about politics, but I want to speak directly to leaders. To start this off, when you as a leader find yourself in the middle of a political conversation, because this is a very, very challenging situation. So let's say you have person A and person B and they do not agree with each other politically and they keep on going head to head in political arguments, and it's causing problem in the team, it's causing problems between them. And then somebody comes to you and says, hey, leader, can you handle this? Person A and person B aren't getting along. You need to figure this out. So now you found yourself thrust into the midst of a difficult conversation that you were not prepared for. So what do we need to do? First of all, we need to take the time to prepare. We often think that preparation needs to be this big, long time, deep, robust thing. And it's great if it is, but sometimes what happens is when we have very, very high standards for preparation, we almost run into this situation where we say, well, if I can't prepare to that level, then what is the point of even preparing? If you just take 60 seconds, just one minute to just take a deep breath, think through what your goals are and how you're going to approach the conversation, that is better than nothing. So first of all, just take whatever time you have to prepare. Prepare strategically in terms of thinking. Thinking about what it is that you actually want to say and how you will say it in the conversation, but also take the time to prepare emotionally. How are you going to avoid triggers in this conversation? How do you make sure that you maintain your emotional stability during this conversation? So you need to understand what your triggers are and then create strategies to deal with those in the moment. And actually with our clients, in addition to the workshops and trainings that we gave them, we also made them a custom customized preparation guide. So leaders and people who find themselves in these conversations could address those situations in a way that is a little bit more structured and they can feel more prepared. And it was done in alignment with the company values. It was really powerful. But you don't need to have a professionally built negotiation preparation guide to do that. You can do this on your own by just taking a moment and being intentional about the way that you interact. And as a leader, finding yourself in these conversations, I want you to think of yourself as a mediator. You are a neutral party in this conversation. I am not on the side of person A. I am not on the side of person B. And especially as it relates to conversations that are political, I am putting aside my personal political beliefs. And the only thing I'm advocating for is the company. The only thing I'm advocating for is the organization. I'm advocating for team cohesion and functionality. That's what I'm advocating for. That's whose side I'm on. And so that way you can very consistently say, listen, I'm not on your side or your side, but I'm on this. I'm on the team's side. And my goal is to make sure that you two can get to a point where your relationship is good enough for us to stay functional. I need to understand what the problem is so I can give you a solution. And I like for leaders to say that explicitly and keep it almost as a mantra, not only for themselves, but for other people. Because naturally during these conversations, the different people are going to be trying to pull you to one side versus the other. But you need to make clear that when you're making decisions and when you're talking, you're advocating for the organization, you're not siding with anybody. Because the consequences of seeming to be biased in one way or the other are not just limited to this single conversation and this single interaction. The ripple effects of that will reverberate throughout the entire team. Hello, my friends. Before we get back to today's episode, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better, difficult conversations? At the American Negotiation Institute, we offer transformative keynotes and workshops tailored to empower professionals with top tier negotiations and conflict resolution skills. Whether it's a keynote for your next event or hands on training for your team, we've got you covered. Don't just negotiate. Master the art with the American Negotiation Institute. Click the link in the description to find out more. Elevate, negotiate, and succeed. Oh, yeah, I went to this leader and then they sided with the person whose political ideology aligned with their own. You. You lose credibility and it is going to be exceptionally difficult to get it back if that happens. So these conversations are difficult? Yes, but I would say they're even more difficult for leaders and more complicated, more complex. So leaders, especially if you find yourself in this situation, just recognize you need to slow it down, because the consequences of failure could be pretty significant. Now, let's go back to general tips on how to have these conversations, because one thing that often happens with these conversations is they start to spiral out of control. Control. When it comes to topics like politics, there's no real way to simplify that without almost disrespecting the topic. Think about how complex these challenges are. We're talking about foreign policy, we're talking about immigration. We're talking about health care, and all of these really tough issues. There's science behind it, there's policy behind it. There's so many different groups that are being impacted, and there is a lot of emotionality that permeates the entirety of the conversation. And because of that, it is very easy for these conversations to become disorganized and spiral out of control, where you end up with two or more people emoting in front of each other and not really conversing. So before we start these conversations, we need to get organized. So we need to say, all right, what is your goal? What is my goal? And then what are the ground rules from this for this conversation? Like, what does respect look like between us? We want to establish these ground rules, because then once you agree on those ground rules, then once you have the conversation and stubbing, somebody steps out of line, you don't just chastise them from your perspective and say, hey, this is how it made me feel. You say, listen, at the beginning of the conversation, we agreed to a certain set of ground rules, and what you just did was this. And that made me feel this right? So I would appreciate it, if we go forward, that we follow those rules. And then with that level of clarity, if somebody is consistently breaking those rules, or what some might call a perpetual line stepper, if they are a perpetual line stepper, then you might recognize that this is not the time or the person to have this conversation with. So then it gives you a clear cue to make your exit. And we'll talk about how to make your exit later on. But first, just recognize that taking the time to align on a set of ground rules is really important. And the other thing, too, I think it's beneficial in these conversations to make an explicit goal, mutual understanding. So, of course, these conversations often turn into a statement of identity and a statement of feeling and almost turning into a combative altercation of intellectual superiority, where it's like, this is how I feel. This is what I think. And this is why you are wrong and why you should think like me. And then the other person is thinking the exact same thing. It makes it really tough, really tough to move forward. But if you can instead frame this in terms of mutual understanding, then this conversation could be mutually beneficial, even though we don't end up agreeing with each other. Because at the end of the conversation, my goal is to understand your perspective better. And if you can get the other person to agree, yes, their goal for themselves is also to understand you better. And it's just an exchange of information, I think that can make the conversation move a little bit more smoothly. So it's not seeing the person as a threat, but seeing this conversation as an opportunity to learn. In my second book, which was how to have Difficult Conversations About Race, which is a negotiation book that I wanted to write in 2020, that was tackling the most difficult conversation at the time. But the way that I wrote that book is that it would be. It could live forever as a tool for how to have difficult conversations about. Insert sensitive topic here. Whatever the sensitive topic is, whatever it is that's making people more emotional than a standard conversation would be, you can use this book as a tool. We just focused it on race because that was the hardest conversation at the time. And so in that book, I introduced a topic, a framework for conversations called Level one and Level two communication. And you can see I'm very inventive with the names that I choose. So let's start off with level one Communication. So the goal of level one communication is to understand and maintain or strengthen relationships, focusing on the connection between you and the other person, and mutual respect. So you want to listen, actively, ask questions, and aim to understand rather than persuade. So the goals are to learn, not teach, share, not preach, and respect despite the differences. So the goal is openness. It minimizes defensiveness and builds trust. And that's what makes it so good for sensitive topics like this. But it requires a lot of discipline from both parties. And then we can. If you choose to. I don't think the workplace is the place for this, but it does happen. It's at that point after you feel like you have a mutual understanding, then you can graduate to level two communication. And with level two communication, the goal is to persuade or change behaviors, attitudes, or belief. So that's where you introduce evidence, logic, targeted questions to make a persuasive case. So at that point, that's when you're trying to change minds. But again, I just. I want to keep on Hammering this home. I don't think this. I don't think the workplace is the best place for this. But I'm saying if you want to engage in such a conversation where you do get to persuasion, just recognize that there is a pathway to persuasion. And it does not start with persuasion, which sounds really interesting, right? It starts with mutual understanding. Because think about times where somebody has told you you are wrong early in a conversation before you had an opportunity to articulate your position. And in your mind, you're saying, how in the world can you say I'm wrong when you don't even know what I think and how I feel and what I believe? On this topic, you have not earned the right to persuade me. And so if you want to persuade somebody on a very sens topic like politics, you have to do it the right way, and you have to do it by taking the time to understand the other person thoroughly, so then you can persuade with precision. This is one of the biggest mistakes that people make. Another thing, too, is that these conversations just go way too long. At the end of the day, most likely, we just have two people who fundamentally disagree. They have different values, they have different worldviews, and there is nobody in the world who, in this moment, within the time frame, frame allotted, could get either side to change their perspective. This is me talking as a negotiation expert. If you put somebody who is really locked in politically in their perspective in front of me and give me 10 minutes to persuade them, I couldn't do that. Nobody who's ever been a guest on the podcast could. Because some of these beliefs are so rooted and so tied to not just what they happen to be thinking at the moment, but their whole identity. It's not just something that they think. It is who they are. And it. It is very difficult to change who somebody is in 10 or 20 minutes, right? So if you really want to change somebody's mind, then pack a lunch and a dinner and get ready for a long conversation that probably has multiple iterations. It'll probably take multiple interactions to persuade this person. So if you really want to do it, do it the right way. But most likely you got work to do and you don't have time for this. So I think there should be some kind of shot clock on these conversations. You know, if we're talking about something like this, five or ten minutes, I think that's a pretty healthy range. But the longer these conversations go between people who have vastly different perspectives on a sensitive topic that is not germane to the work, that's being done in the organization. I think the longer it goes, the more likely it is to break down, the more likely it is for us to say something that triggers the other side, and then the conversation breaks down. Sometimes conversations fail because they have gone on for too long. And when you're in a conversation where neither side is giving an inch, neither side is adjusting, and it's not a true negotiation in terms of we are driving toward a specific outcome, a joint conclusion, then these conversations can go on in perpetuity. And it. It is up to you and your discretion and discipline to bring this to a close at the right time. Right. And I think a couple of signs could be utilized to demonstrate when a conversation has run its course. So, first of all, if you're not feeling safe in this conversation and it's not germane to the work that you're doing, then at that point, you have every right to leave. You can just simply say, hey, listen, it sounds like this is something that you care about, and I definitely respect that. And also, so I just want to be vulnerable with you in the moment. I really don't feel comfortable talking about this at work. So if there's anything you want me to know, I'll listen for a minute or two. But there's nothing that I feel comfortable adding to this conversation. So the strategy there is to validate the fact that it's important to them while also setting a clear boundary, saying, even though it's important to you, I don't feel comfortable engaging. If you have a message to send before we wrap this up, send that message. But I'm not adding anything else to the conversation. Very simple. Validate and then give them one last opportunity to speak and then leave. And it's the exact same framework that you can use when you're exiting at a different time. So once you start to recognize that they might be getting more triggered and more emotional, or you might recognize that you're getting more triggered or emotional, or you're recognizing that you keep on circling back to the same points over and over again. Like, I've exhausted everything that I want to say, but I have not exhausted my emotionality, so I don't know what to say next. That's new. So I'm just gonna circle back to the beginning and say that again, because maybe if I say it this time with a little bit more attitude, it'll break through. Right. Once you start to see that cycling, once you start to see people getting more emotional, maybe you start to see some attacks or you're lacking in Psychological safety. That's when you give yourself permission to leave. Okay. And it's just a validation. And then give them one more opportunity and peace out. Hey, listen, I really appreciate this conversation. You did a great job of articulating your perspective, and I feel like I understand you better. It seems like we're kind of going in circles, so I don't really have anything else to add to this conversation. If there's anything else you want to say before we wrap this up, let me know. But I feel like we've reached our conclusion at this point and then leave. And I think a lot of times we overthink what it is that we need to do or say in order to exit a conversation safely. It is really not that hard. Validation. State your boundary and then leave. And so just before I go, I want to say again, this is a tough time for everybody. There's a lot of confusion. There is a lot of. There are a lot of emotions. There's a lot of fear. But I think when you can really simplify the process of the conversations surrounding this complicated topic, it can give you a little bit more peace. So when the world seems chaotic and scary, your conversations don't need to be because you have the skills and then you have the mindset, and then you also have the organization that you can utilize in these conversations to make it a little bit more palatable. Again, like I always say, with all of these difficult conversations, we can't make them easy, but with the right skill set and mindset, we can make them just a little bit easier. So let me know what you think, and if you like this, please leave a five star review. Really appreciate that that means a lot to us. This is something that we really care about, and especially when it comes to topics like this. My perspective is that unresolved conflict or our inability to resolve conflict is the greatest existential threat to humanity. We are more likely to tear ourselves apart from the inside than any foreign invader that we might face. Right? And we are our own greatest adversary, but also our own greatest advocate. And if we can collectively, as a society, get better at having these difficult conversations, get better at collaboratively problem solving and not seeing each other as enemies, but seeing each other as two imperfect people just sharing our versions of the truth, trying our best to make it through the day, I think we can make the world a better place. That's what I believe, and that's what drives everything that we do. That's why we have the podcast seven days a week. We want to make sure that we are flooding the Internet with as much free, high level negotiation and conflict resolution material as possible. Because, again, we believe the best things in life are on the other side of difficult conversations. And our goal is to make the world a better place, one difficult conversation at a time. Thank you all for listening. I appreciate you as a listener, and I hope you have a good one. I'll catch you later. Hey, everyone, it's Kwame Christian, host of Negotiate Anything, asking you to please do not skip forward because this is not a commercial. Okay, I've got something for you. So we want to hear from you, our incredible listeners, because your feedback is super helpful in making the show even better. We've created a quick and fun form to get to know you. And this is your chance to make the show even closer to what you love. And here's the best part. If you fill out the form before December 31, 2024, you'll be entered into a raffle to win a signed copy of my book delivered straight to your door. It only takes a few minutes, and your input will help to shape the future of Negotiate Anything. Find the form in the description of this episode and we'll announce the winner in January. Who knows, it might be you. Thanks for helping us to make the show even better and even more connected to you. Good luck in the raffle.