The role of self-awareness in negotiation success with Linzy Elizabeth

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Lindsay, thanks for joining us today.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm honored to be here.

No, it's our pleasure. So how would you get us started? By telling us a little bit about yourself and what you do.

Yes. So I am Lindsay Elizabeth. I am an executive coach, speaker, also podcaster. I have my podcast unmuted with Lindsay Elizabeth and fun little tidbit. I am also a ballroom dancer.

Oh, that's awesome. Okay, I need at least three dance metaphors now.

Oh, there's so many. Oh, my goodness. Because ballroom dancing is unique in the fact that you're doing it with your partner, and so you first have to arrive with you in your essence and in your energy, and then they do the same before you come together. So you're having this dance within your own self while they're having this dance with inside of them while you co create. And if it's misaligned, it doesn't work.

Oh, wow. Yeah. So there are some very clear. Yes, that's very cool. Okay, cool. So that's one. I'm going to need what, six.

Over the course of this, also just realizing, like, diaphragm. Because often he'll be like, Lindsay, breathe. He'll say, breathe in through your nose and breathe out through your mouth. Because as we do this, we're oxygenating our muscles and that flow through your body and relax. It literally relaxes. And even just thinking about us as we sit at our desks or as we're sitting on a stoplight or we're parenting and not a ball game, whatever, but we get these moments where we contract and we clench and then you're not able to receive. And you're also not able to fully experience what is available to you. And so when you literally expand and let your diaphragm, which is literally the essence of who you are. Because if we had exploratory surgery, you couldn't see us. Like, you couldn't find, like, where's Kwame? Where's Lindsay? You couldn't find us. But yet, if we were corpses laying on a table, there we are. And once again, we're not there. So it's literally like that breath of life and dance to realize you get to oxygenate your body literally down, like all the way out. Your fingers, your toes. Let it literally flow through your body and breathe that breath of life through us. And then when we do that, we have new life available as we move, as we are leaders, as we are deciding in this moment. This is. Yes, I want to say. This is the. No, I want to say, oh, I want to go to Starbucks. No, let's go to McDonald's. No, let's drive home. And instead of in that cloudiness, like, just take a deep breath and realize whichever one of those chews, I'm actually going to be okay. It's just access really what is available. And then what do you actually want?

Oh, this is great. And it's. I'm glad that you said that, because even as you were describing the process of just taking that deep breath, I took the deep breath as I was listening and I realized, oh, there was some tension in my shoulder. Oh, I could be a bit more relaxed. And it funny, I know when I'm. When I'm working out and I'm working out with a trainer and they tell me to breathe. I get so annoyed when they tell me to breathe. I'm like, you think I'm not breathing through all of this? And then I take a deep breath. I was like, I wasn't breathing.

It makes a huge difference. And even then, if you want to put that into working out and fitness, when you mind connect to that muscle like you're working your lats, or if you're working like, you literally mind connect to that muscle and oxygenate it as you're doing it now, you're going to. Because our natural tendency is to resist that growth. So your whole body is going to move in such a way that you don't actually focus into lat muscle. And so when you actually focus into it and you breathe into it now you're actually. You grow that in a way. And then you don't even have such large weights, like there's no ego building. Then it literally is. I get to use even smaller weights. But it's how you do it. It's not necessarily what you're doing, it's how you're doing it.

Love it. This is great. This, the dance metaphor went much farther than I thought, and I'm glad it did. This is awesome. And so for this episode, let's get into your unique approach, because one of the things I like about this is the broad applicability of the way that you approach these difficult conversations. And so tell us that approach that you have given us that is focused on you.

Yeah. So Y O U. Which then we're gonna bring this out into an acronym. But as you're approaching negotiation, as you're approaching moving about in your life, because everything we do, we think benefits us in some way. If you're procrastinating something, you think that that is beneficial to you. If you are going for a run, you think that that's beneficial to you. If you're asking your boss for a raise, if you're trying to become CEO, like there's something or multiple somethings that you think that that is going to benefit you. And so as you move about to really honor and understand that it all starts with us, the person Y O U. It's not your partner, it's not your children, it's not your salary. It literally is you, because you go with you everywhere you go. And we have this essence like I just talked about. We bring with us our whole life into every moment without even realizing it. And so the beliefs that I think, the beliefs that I have and what I think is available? Am I entering this conversation thinking, oh, I get to come and I get to enjoy this and co create with you, or oh my goodness, I have to make sure I prove myself, make sure everybody thinks I'm so amazing and intelligent, or oh, I have nothing special to share. I don't even know why he asked me on this podcast. So the belief that I have changes what's available within this conversation.

This is so good.

Yeah.

And this is really important, Lindsay, because I think again, sometimes we can get so focused on strategies and tactics and what I shouldn't say and all of these things, but we miss the fact that foundationally it starts with you, the person. And if we don't take the time to explore ourselves and understand ourselves, understand what we believe and why, then certain behaviors are going to show up in the middle of these conversations and we won't have a full understanding of why we are doing what we're doing or saying what we're saying. And so let's get a little bit deeper here. When it comes to this fundamental understanding of who we are, what is it that holds people back from really understanding and appreciating this concept that you're telling us?

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So it is really easy to get caught up in the checklist of it, meaning the strategy of it, because books, podcasts like we have such an overflow of information, but we don't know which piece of information to actually apply. And we don't know. We just get very caught up in the checklist of it, in the information, as opposed to realizing like I'm the one that's arriving with the energy of the belief that I have within this context as I enable and use the skill set. So if I'm a batter and I'm going to go up and I don't even think that it's possible for me to hit a home run, am I going to actually show up in such A way swing in such a way, have focus in such a way to do this. And so our minds bounce around and we go from strategy to strategy, shiny object to shiny objects, and we don't have the focus of our intention. And why is that? So as a ballroom dancer, if I don't actually believe, and I've just unpacked many layers of this, if I don't actually believe that I'm capable of dancing like that, then I won't practice to be able to actually dance like that.

Lindsay. The thing that I love about that is that I think some people might have made the connection of if I don't believe that I can dance at this level, then I'm not going to perform at this level when we're called to do do that. But I think the deeper level or the deeper point that you made that I would really want to make sure that people didn't miss is the fact that you said, if I don't believe I can perform at this level, then I'm not even going to practice at that level. And so there's that middle piece, the practice portion that is often overlooked. Yeah. Can you go deeper into that?

Yes. It literally is what is stopping me if I have a desire to get better, I have a performance coming up, I have a competition coming up, or I want to prepare for one that's coming up in four months, whatever. I have this desire to be a dancer in this way, but then what does it actually come down to? This moment of am I going to put on my dance shoes and go spend time to do it? If I have five minutes to two hours, whatever that looks like. But then noticing I learned so much from the times when I choose not to, because what is stopping me from doing that? And when I realize, oh my goodness, if I don't actually have the vision and I don't actually have the belief that in five minutes I can actually get better, then I don't even bother doing it. You know, that real time boots on the ground. Do I actually think that going on a run is going to bring me joy, invigorate my life in such a way, or am I just doing it from this low energy and low state of consciousness? Oh, my goodness, I have to go do that thing again versus this, the opportunity, and I get to embody this effort and this joy and this fun and this freedom and expand my essence in such a way, and now I get to go do this thing.

And you see, now I get to versus now I have to. Right? And the same mentality comes into these difficult conversations as well. Because I think a lot of times people go into these conversations already defeated where they say this person is so different from me, I can't connect. Or they, our interests are so divergent that there's no way that we can find any overlap and get a deal done. And, or because of my baggage and the difficulty I used to have in the past with these difficult conversations, I can't do what it takes at the negotiating table to achieve the success that I want to have. And so all of these beliefs can become limiting, but we can't even fully appreciate how limiting they are unless we go through this introspective process to determine what we actually believe. We can actually examine it. So this belief element is critically important.

Yeah. And even to realize, I mean it sounds so silly, but it's so true. Like the things that the other person say on a negotiation table, the other, what they're saying on the other side, if you already have this belief that it's not possible, you aren't even fully open to what it is that they're saying. And if you understand that what they're saying is coming from the fact that they also are a Y O U, they also are human with certain tendencies with either they're either showing their authenticity or they're masking it due to their certain beliefs. And so when we arrive, I'm literally going to say like more on a soul level as opposed to the form that we are, but the essence of us. When you realize that whether you're at Starbucks, whether you're talking to your child, whether we're hearing this interview, whether you're at a negotiation table, it's, we get to have this life experience with another being and we get to co create in this way and what a gift that that is. And then if you go back to negotiations, if your energy is such like I'm going to screw them, I need to make sure I get the upper hand, I need to blah blah, versus if you have that energy of how can I actually create a win, win, win here? Because a win, win, win, it's going to benefit me. It's going to bring out the best of what me, whether me is me literally or me, my company, what I stand behind, but it's going to allow that to flow. And when I marry this concept in this strategy, this, when I marry all that I have coupled with the other person and what they have to bring and me being authentic allows them to unlock their authentic self. And so now they're able to come. And now we together unify and we co create this, whatever that is, this agreement, this, whatever gets produced from that. Now that's going to be wins for everybody else because it has that energy and it has that essence of we actually want something that amplifies the love and the goodness for everybody.

Yes, this is great. So let's get into the actual acronym of you. Why?

Yeah, so why? Oh, you so the first so why for yes. Like, yes, I'm here. Yes, I'm going to choose this conversation. Yes, I'm going to say sit across from that table. Yes, I literally am showing up for my job every day. Like, we so often, even corporate America so often is acting as if they're a victim of their job. When you literally choose to get out of bed and go to your job and you have a reason, whether that reason is finances, whether that reason is you want a certain life for yourself, you think that it's going to give you something. But we're back to the concept once again that you're making that choice because it benefits you in some way or you want to be doing it. And so you are saying yes. And then the O is the ownership. Like own the fact that you are the one that you are. You own that you are the one saying yes, this isn't because as soon as you slip into, and we do in so many little sticky ways that we don't even understand, lots of times that we don't have an awareness of and recognize, but as soon as you slip into that victim mode at all, like, you're done, that's the slippery slope. And when you actually fully own, you fully own your life experience, fully own that you get the privilege, the gift to enter into this conversation with somebody else across from the table, whether you make a negotiation or not. But when you own this now, so the U then is for unmute, you can start to unfold the things that are holding you back. Those fears, those limiting beliefs. And what if the best thing that comes from this conversation is we both realize this is a made like we don't actually want this thing to happen. Or maybe they really do. But in this conversation, me, by saying yes, me owning myself in this way, not abiding by my fears, but stepping into the truth of what's available. And through choosing to literally get up, get dressed, drive, get a coffee, enter into this conversation at this moment as my authentic self and be available for the actual truth of what is now, I'm able to see this isn't going to be A win, win. This isn't what we came here to negotiate this. But do you realize what I'm understanding right now as I'm listening to you? And we actually, there's something so much bigger, better, greater that we could both bring our skill sets together, be collaborative with in a different way than what we even thought this conversation was going to navigate into. So it's that unmuting and allowing that authenticity to take place. And from there, like that's catalytic. You're going to have things take place and opportunities and creations take place that you didn't even know were possible. If you're coming at it from a place of fear, quenched, I have to grind through and make this thing happen.

What I really love about this framework, Lindsay, is that it's empowering and it's positive. And it is flexible too. Because when you're saying yes, it's like, listen, this is a choice. I'm here. Ownership, I'm choosing to be here and I'm not going to be a victim. Everything that I'm doing, I'm in control of these things. And then when I show up at the negotiation table, I have the right to ask for what I want. And I also respect the other person's right to express themselves as well. And as they do this and we go through this collaborative process, our perspectives will change and it will avail us to opportunities that we didn't see before. And I think that's really what's so exciting because you just bring a completely different energy into the interaction. And like you said, it can be a catalyst to more opportunities. Opportunities. And you can create synergy that wasn't.

There before a thousand percent. I love it. And I love that even when you said the word flexible because it is that rigidity of strategy. Strategy is amazing. But to realize when we bring rigidity there, it's often rooted in fear as opposed to here. I have this strategy and I'm going to open handedly, yes, I'm going to fiercely and fully use everything that I have. My hands, my feet, my energy, my time. Like I'm going to use all these things that I have available and all these resources. And yet when something deeper inside of me rises up and I. And I know that that is truth, I'm going to allow that to supersede what's happening because that's going to be the thing that actually takes me. Those unique and amazing and expansive places that we all are looking for.

Yep. Oh, this is good. This is really, really great. And again, that last point about Strategy so important. I love strategy and I see that one of the biggest mistakes people make is that they don't understand that strategy needs to be dynamic. It's like in US military tradition, they would say no plan survives first contact with the other side. You know the plan is going to change as soon as you start to put the plan in action. But when people hold on to that strategy out of fear, then they are too rigid. And your goal with strategy is to bend but not break. And if your strategy is too rigid, somebody doesn't respond exactly how you want it to. And you're like, oh my gosh, this is getting out of control. What do I do? But with this new mentality, you can flow a lot better and you can own it and feel comfortable recognizing that things will change. And that's just part of the process.

Yeah. And even back to why ou in your essence, because the waters that we swim in at the very core of all of our fears is we somehow think that we aren't enough. Like, somebody else has to give me permission. Somebody else has to allow me. Somebody else has to make sure that they pay me so that I'm able to. When you really start to understand in profound ways the power that you have with inside of you and not power over, because to me, that's not power, this force of love and goodness that is inside of you. And when you honor and you understand that, you have an inner wisdom always available. So even if you're in the military, you're on the front lines, like there is still that deep, all that strategy, all these things that you've learned and it's all there. And then use that from the root of your inner wisdom and what you know is literally in your human experience. And you work forth from that place. Like that's how all of a sudden you say, my LinkedIn strategy was, I'm going to make five posts every day and I'm going to reach out to this many people and I'm going to whatever your strategy is to grow your business. But then, oh my goodness, you listen to that inner voice. You know what? I really need a break today for whatever the reason being. And I'm going to go sit at Starbucks, answer my emails. I then go sit at Starbucks. Some CEO of whatever corporation comes in, we have this conversation, this thing unfolds and that expedites and does things that 2000 messages could have never done, but we don't. We get so caught up in the fear of I have to do these things and realize there really is Inner wisdom with inside of us, inside of the you, your essence.

Lindsay, for me, the part of what you said that is the most frustrating is the fact that it works. And so let me give an example, because I, you know, trying to be society will tell you how to be successful. Like, you need to follow these things, you need to do these things, you need to check these boxes, et cetera. Right. And so on those days where I am willing to honor my pace, my rhythm, the way that I want to live my life and the way that I want to feel, a lot of times that takes me away from checking off boxes as the day goes on. And then there's this little voice, that voice inside that says, you're not enough, that says, kwame, you should be doing these things. You haven't checked the box in hours. What are you doing? And then good things just start happening that were not anticipated. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, it's working, but I don't want it to work. I want to be more in control of this process. And I think that's one of the scariest things, just about difficult conversations in particular. But life, and life in general is just recognizing that sometimes the best strategy is letting go a little bit while recognizing that we're not fully in control. But if we can be flexible in our approach, but still be very clear on our intentions and what it is we ultimately want, we can find really unique pathways to get that success and live the life that we want. But we have to be willing to take responsibility and at the same time, let go of control from time to time.

So I have. I continually find it's not the principle that is the problem. It's that we misapply the principle. So this principle of control, it's not that that's a problem. It's applying where the control actually is. And the control actually is. Your power, your essence is actually in the fact that I get to control all these things that we've been talking about you. And so we think that by not checking the list, by not doing the things that our brain and our mind is telling us that we don't have control, when the seat of our control is actually in that knowing and in following that inner wisdom.

Oh, this is great, Lindsay. I appreciate this. This is really, really helpful. And I think the listeners will get a lot out of this. And before you go, I want you to remind the listeners again about you, the work that you do, and how they can get in touch.

Oh, yes. Thank you. So LinkedIn is my most I guess that's usually that's my jam in terms of social media. So you can find me Lindsay Elizabeth. Email is lindsay@lindsay elizabeth.com and I'm L I N Z Y. And then also on Instagram, Lindsay Unmuted at Lindsey Unmuted. And it is just such a gift and an honor to watch my clients and actually have masterminds as well. So it is such a gift to watch this journey and get phone calls and get messages from clients and from people who literally these things have happened. I've been on this vacation I like and I have the most peace that I've ever had. And all these things unfolded and usually my response would have been this. But now I'm realizing in new ways. And now my response is peace. And my response is literally these win win wins. And when you embody literally your essence and understand the power that you have of Y o U in a new way, it literally changes your entire life experience.

I love it. This is so exciting. Lindsay, really appreciate it, my friend. Thanks for joining us.

Yes, thank you for having me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

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