You Have No Idea What Authenticity Means — Until You Learn This

Hey, I'm Kwame Christian, and you are about to step into the world of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world, where we teach you how to make difficult conversations easier while getting more of what you want in the process. Each episode is packed with practical tips and strategies from the experts. We delve into negotiation, conflict resolution, and leadership skills that are crucial in both business and and in life. Whether you're closing a deal, managing a team, or navigating personal relationships, Negotiate Anything provides you with the tools you need to succeed. Our conversations are real, relatable, and most importantly, rooted in practicality. So if you're ready to transform your conversations and elevate your negotiation skills, join me on Negotiate Anything. Subscribe and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you love to listen to. Let's make every conversation a winning negotiation. Gene, thanks for joining us today.

Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. I'm grateful to be on and learn some negotiation tips.

Yes. And it is an honor to have you, my friend. And we are excited to learn about what authenticity really means. But before we get to that, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you do?

Yes. So I am a new author. This is my first book. So I'm author, speaker, and trainer. Trainer and former media personality. Well, I guess I still am a media personality in, in some ways, but I use the work that, the things that I learned, the secrets that I think we have in the broadcast industry, to share with people about best practices for not only finding success, but also being better leaders, better communicators, better connectors.

Yes. Oh, this is great. And Gene, once a media personality, always a media personality. And you're on my media bringing your personality. So you got it. And I think something that would be really helpful to set the stage for the listeners even more is letting them know what that background in media is, because you bring a really unique perspective to the communication space. And I think just outlining that can help the folks understand where you're coming from and then how they could strategically implement the stuff that you talk about in their lives, too.

So my background is I started in radio when I was 17 years old, kind of on a lark. I'd been in speech and debate, and I have been in radio and television ever since. Moved from radio to TV at one point. Time was doing both TV and then now back to radio, and I've been in music radio, talk radio. I've done entertainment reporting. I've been an anchor on the news. I've hosted talk shows, entertainment shows. So I have talked to a wealth of celebrities and a smattering of politicians and everyday folks who just want to tell their stories. My whole work has been about amplifying other people's stories, amplifying their impact. Because when you have a 50,000 watt megaphone, you're supposed to use it for something, something good, hopefully. And so my goal has always been, because I've always been fascinated by other people's stories and telling them. I come from a family of storytellers on both sides. My d wish I could be as good of a storyteller as my dad was. I'm getting close as I get more grays in my hair, but. But one day, one day I would be close to what he was able to do. But all of my family, like literally holidays were competitions for telling stories. And I feel like that's where the crux of our connection is. And I find so many people are missing that. And that's really the thing that I, I want to share with people, is to give them back their. Amplify their own stories, to wake up one day and feel confident in a not only knowing what you're worth, but being able to tell that to somebody else to share it with them and maybe help them. And that ends up moving forward and making our world a better place. Woo.

Boy, that, that is so much cooler than a media personality. There's so much in there. This is great. And think about this. You know, we are 1600 episodes deep here on Negotiate Anything and we've never had anybody with your unique background and expertise. So when it comes to being able to communicate, tell stories, but also leverage those stories in a way that is that, that's authentic and geared toward connection and to drive understanding. This is powerful. So we could not have anybody better to tell this story. And so, Gene. Oh, my pleasure, My pleasure. And now I want you to speak directly to the person who is listening to this podcast and I want you to tell them what changes in their life if they are able to put what we are about to talk about today into action in their lives.

After you listen to this and you go to bed tonight, tomorrow morning when you wake up, if you've done what we talk about, you will have a sense of knowing exactly where you belong, what lane you are in, and you will be able to own it. Especially when you are trying to level up, transition, or do something different. Whether that is get a new job, get a promotion, close that sale, convince your children what to eat for dinner tonight, whatever it is your goal is when you know where you stand, it is so much easier to connect with other people and move the needle and move forward together. And that's what I hope you will do tomorrow morning if you do the work we talk about today.

Oh, this is incredible, Gene. And the timing is perfect. I just cooked dinner. It's salmon. And I put my heart and soul into this. And if these boys reject me again, would it be a broken man?

Listen, the struggle is real. That's the reason why I bring up that example. Because every parent, every auntie who's ever had to cook for her nephews and nieces, which would be me. Listen, the negotiation tactics that have to happen around dinner time are crucial.

It's crucial. It absolutely is. And now let's get into the book. But first, one of the key words in the book, we have fearless authenticity. And we were vibing before the episode started. And you helped me to recognize that one of the biggest challenges people have with authenticity is that they do not understand what it really means. So can you break down what authenticity is? But even more importantly, what are the common misunderstandings that hold people back when it comes to understanding authenticity?

The biggest misunderstanding that people have about authenticity is that they believe it's full disclosure and that's it. To me, that is an unexamined authenticity. It's also probably not accurate. I think people, especially the people who are against authenticity in the workplace, I don't want to know all their business. That's not what it is. Authenticity, true, leverageable authenticity, is about understanding who you are, what you've experienced, and then turning it into an action, applying it to whatever it is that is in front of you, whatever tasks it is. The most successful people are the people who make meaning of the world, right? The people who put things into context. The most value people, valuable people in any organizations, are the ones who can either transform processes, take data and use it and apply it. What do you think that interpretation is? It is an application of what you know, what you've experienced it experienced and put it into action for the people that you serve, whether that is you as a middle manager doing that for the people who report to you and are actually doing these processes or to the people above you, who you know in the org chart, who actually need to understand the higher level thinking that goes be behind what they're doing. Because a lot of times there's a disconnect in the org chart, right? That's what I find with my clients, there's a disconnect. And almost every time somebody identifies what a problem is, they ask me to do one thing, like maybe it's, you know, improving how they connect with their external stakeholders of some sort. Guaranteed, when I get in there, there's something happening internally because if things are messy inside, what's going out is not going to go out in the most optimal way possible. But really what it comes down to is if you understand who you are, how you affect other people and how you connect with them, then you can apply who you are to whatever the problem is and be a solution. Nobody wants to be a vitamin. Everybody wants to be a painkiller because painkillers are more valuable.

Hello, my friends. Before we get back to today's episode, I want to ask you a question. Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better, difficult conversations? At the American Negotiation Institute, we offer transformative keynotes and workshops tailored to empower professionals with top tier negotiation and conflict resolution skills. Whether it's a keynote for your next event or hands on training for your team, we've got you covered. Don't just negotiate. Master the art with the American Negotiation Institute. Click the link in the description to find out more. Elevate, negotiate and succeed. There is so much to explore in this. So what I love about this is that we've really operationalized authenticity. It's not this nebulous concept that is kind of geared more like by feelings. This is cru, like vitally important not just to the individual so they can express themselves in a true and authentic type of way, but also it helps the company and the organizations. Because you said it's about understanding who you are, the effect you have on others, and then how you can serve others. And I think, and we're about to get a little bit spicy now, but my family's from the Caribbean, we can handle it.

I love it.

So when, when it comes to this, when it comes to the people who are against authenticity and they say, well, I don't want to know everybody's business or somebody who says, I don't feel comfortable being authentic, I don't want to share all my business. I think what we're recognizing is that people don't understand the distinction between authenticity and narcissistic vulnerability. And with narcissistic vulnerability, this is just us sharing everything, forcing everybody to center on us. And then, you know, they are bad if they reject who we are in that awkward word vomiting type of situation where you're just kind of like, oh.

I Love that phrase, because that is exactly what oversharing is. I refer to what you're talking about as a range of authenticity. Right? Authentic expression, however you want to call it. But it exists in a range. And I use this analogy because I think it's one most people can relate to, especially you being Caribbean. There are very distinct rules in how we speak to our elders. I'm from Louisiana, so I think there's an adjacency there. There is a very different way you speak to your siblings, your cousins, your friends, and a very distinct way that you speak to your elders. And. And by elders, I don't just mean the elders in your family. I mean the elders in your community, in your church, what have you, but that same person. You wouldn't. You wouldn't say that your grandmother didn't know you, would you? She knows who you are, but you don't speak to her the same way you speak to your boys. And nor should you. And so that's what I mean when people say. And, like. Because I get into these conversations about code switching quite a bit in. In our community, and I even had somebody white try to call me on it. And I was like. And he was just like, that's not you. And I was like, boo. They all me. That's the thing you don't understand. They're all me. And I. And when I said to him, I said, do you have a grandmother who's still alive? And he was like, yes. I said, that's a. A blessing. God bless. I said, but do you talk to her the same way you talk to your. To your mates when you're at the bar? He was like, absolutely not. And so are you. Are you a different person when you're with your grandmother? Not necessarily. You have a different level of respect for her right then. And. And that's not to say you disrespect your boys or your mates, your friends, whatever. You're not disrespecting them. You're speaking to them in the way that you guys communicate. And that's what I mean by that range of expression. When it comes to authenticity, we all have all these different facets to ourselves. Use them, use them all, but use them all appropriately. Apply the levers where they. They need to be. You know, apply pressure when it's appropriate, pull back when it's appropriate. Speak however it is. That makes sense for you at the time that it makes sense for you. Yes.

This is. I think this is so empowering, too, because we've heard so many times Hey, I am who I am. You are who you are. Acted the same way all the time. And it becomes almost kind of like this. Almost. It's said with religious style zealotry, where it's like an inappropriate compromise at all times if you ever change who you are. And then it conflicts. Because a lot of times when you make these reads, you say, I don't talk to this person the same way I talk to this person. Am I wrong for that? And what you've done is you've helped many people with their existential identity crises here because you've given them the right to both be themselves and also be effective communicators. Because again, you are still as you're authentically interacting with people, you're focusing on understanding who you are, understanding how that affects other people, and then understanding how you drive the conversation toward the directed outcome. And you can still find different versions of yourself that are equally authentic in different situations. And now let's make this really clear too, Gene. So when we're talking about this, how do we know the difference between authentic adaptation based on who's in front of us, also known as code switching, and something that goes into inauthenticity, where we are actually sacrificing who we are in the moment in an inappropriate type of way?

You have to set your own boundaries as to what that is, right? Because I think it really comes down to something very simple that we are very out of touch with. We don't listen to our gut. If you are doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, and I'm not talking about. And there's a difference between discomfort because of growth and discomfort because you know it's wrong. But there is a feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you when you are doing something that is not right for you, listen to it that is not the one to push through. There is a very big difference when you are working out and. And pushing yourself then. And there's a point where you're like, if I keep doing this, I'm going to hurt myself. You know what that is? Sometimes we push a little too far, and sometimes you do have to play with that boundary to see where it is, especially when you're younger because you don't know yourself as well. One of the things, though, that I will say about playing in that range of authenticity, think of it more as an attention to the other person, a service to the other person, right? We've all been in arguments where people will sometimes belittle us, make us feel like we don't understand something that shuts down the connection between us. We've also been in situations where people are excessively obsequious, where they're just going overboard and you know that they're trying to get something out of you as opposed to just being real about what it is. Right? You don't have to go to those extremes to understand where your range is, but maybe you have to flirt with the edges of that to understand what it means. Now, ask yourself a few questions. Is what I'm doing true to me? Is it respectful of me, my boundaries, my goals in this moment? And is it of service to the other person and the reason why they're here? And is it respectful of our connection? Will we be able to talk to each other tomorrow after what happens and transpires in this conversation today? And I also think this is a great way to look at growth. Right? If we don't see ourselves as operating in a range and understanding where we need to get better, where we fall short, and that is a very honest assessment of who we are, then we don't grow. If you say, this is who I am and this is how I show up, that means you're choosing to stay back there always. Because while you have decided this is where I am, I'm planting my roots in the ground. Guess what? Everybody else is moving forward without you, right?

Yes.

The world doesn't stop, change doesn't stop just because you decided this is who I am. And I think that's a cop out. I think it's lazy. And I'm. And I'm sorry, I try not to be judgmental, but that is one of the things I am very judgmental about. Like, you know what? I get it, it's hard. Change is hard. But you know what? Change is, is a thing that we as human beings need to accept. And yes, we will always struggle with it because we hate change. We like, oh, we got good. Let's stay there. Guess what? If you stay there, it's not going to stay good.

Now, now let me go ahead and try to. I think I'm picking up what you're putting down because I think underneath all of this great advice, there's a special message to people who are the other, whatever other means in this context. Right? And that could be anybody, depending on the circumstance. And a lot of times what we do is we put ourselves in a victim position where we blame other people for the outcomes that we have, when in fact we could have made some strategic and authentic adjustments in order to get that outcome. But it's almost safer for us to not take that risk and instead blame other people for the failures that we have started to log. Because the thing is, again, when you can just say, what is my ultimate goal? Who am I serving? What am I trying to do? And a lot of times the goals that we have are bigger than us. Even if it comes to the business development goals that we have or we want to try to improve our career. A lot of times, especially if you are in a marginalized group, you're doing that for the betterment of other people. And if you're saying to yourself, hey, listen, I'm not going to make any adjustments even though it could help me and therefore the other people that I serve, then you're being selfish and you're not willing to put yourself out there.

I couldn't have said it better myself, sir. Could not have said it better. I feel like it's interesting. One thing I've learned in this work, no matter who I talk to, no matter how they identify, no matter what groups they seem to belong to, just from the outside looking in, every single person that I have run into has felt like other at some point in time in their lives. It is a very human experience, and I would say probably one of the few universal human experiences. To feel like you do not belong, to feel like you are not in the right place, even though some of us have, and all of us have different levers of privilege, right? Depending on how we grew up, no matter who we are, no matter how we identify, there are certain things that we might have, you know, like good health, like literally, health is a privilege. I don't know that people realize that sometimes having a home is a privilege, and there are different levels of that. But what I have experienced in taking this work into, especially into corporations that are trying to change, either implementing a change process that they've already had, or having been forced to change because of the environments that they are in or the conditions of work that every single person that I end up talking to at some point in time in their life, their career, in their existence, has felt like they weren't part of the group. And that impacts how we relate to each other. Because I think when you can tap into where you belong, right, and, and, and what you can do and what your value is, then you, you have a sense, a foundation from which to operate. And it also gives you empathy for how somebody else who might not belong or might not feel they belong, how they are experiencing their world. And I think that empathy and that understanding helps us to connect because people feel it. One of the things I think that surprises people a lot with where I start with any communication effort when I'm talking, whether it's leadership, external comms, internal comms, whatever it is, I always start with the person I'm talking to. You always start with you, even though, even though the person you're talking to is the most important in this particular instance, you have to know you first before you do anything. Before you, you know, I call it, I call it live it, tell it, sell it, Live it is about you, how you live and how you move and how you're affecting other people. When you know that, then you can proceed to tell a story because the stories are what connect us and tell sell it is to the person you're talking to because we're always selling something. And that part people struggle with. I don't think anybody's ever surprised that I say that, but they fight me on it. Well, I'm not selling this and I'm not a salesperson or whatever because I think people automatically go to a negative connotation of sales, which at the end of the day is you trying to separate yourself from the part that gives you the ick about asking for something, right? About sharing yourself. The fear of failure that comes with that, that scarcity mindset that you, you brought up earlier. The reality is from dinner, you know, where we're going to go to dinner, what our kids are going to eat for dinner to what job we're going to take is, is about selling. It is about selling. Whether it's an idea, whether it's a product, a widget, a service. We're always be selling is for real because we always are. We just don't want to admit it, right? But when we start with who we are first, then you can, because you can't control how people take what you say. You can't. You only can control yourself and how you tell the story and get real clear about how you, you affect other people. Because most people don't even know what their tells are, right? Poker players hide all of their expressions because they don't want people to see their tails. And other good poker players, no matter how much you put that cap down, no matter how many dark glasses, there's something you do is going to be a twitch. It's going to be something that's going to tell somebody what you got in your hand. We do it every day. Get honest with it and know what your towels are. Because your tells also tell you Something about yourself.

This is. I need an example here, Gene, because. Let's think about an example because you've had so many incredible high level conversations with high level people, high stakes conversations too. And I think if we can encapsulate the brilliance that you just said in a story, that would be really helpful for folks.

Okay, so how I' ma tell this story without giving away to people, though, because this, this is actually. All right, so in my media career, I have interviewed many, many, many, many, many, many celebrities. And when people are in crisis or something has happened that they don't want to talk about, their handlers will always tell you. Don't ask a question. How can I anonymize this? Oh, this is hard. I interviewed a recording artist who had been through a breakup of a fairly public relationship. And this recording artist is known for serial monogamy and, you know, just going from one to the next to the next. And he had an album out, a new, you know, drop release or whatever. And I interviewed him and I. This is not my first time interviewing him. And so I look at him, he looks at me. We'd start talking about, you know, I'm like, oh, good to see you. How you doing? You know, hugged up, you know, whatever. And we start the conversation about the album because that's what he was there to talk about. And so I could tell, because he knows me, right? Like we've met before. And I could tell he was like trying to figure out if and when I was going to ask about said breakup. I could tell because he would literally look at me like, you know, like after every question, be like, that's the question you want to know. And I'm. And when I tell you I took my time. I took my time because I was like, you know what? This is what you came here to promote. And this is the mistake that a lot of people make when they're doing interviews. You could tell it all the time. They have a short amount of time. They want to get to the good stuff. They want to get to, you know, something that's going to go viral nowadays. But they always want to get to the juicy things, forgetting that this person came there for a reason. So satisfy the reason why they came there, especially if you have the luxury of time. I knew I was like, this wasn't live. So I knew I had the luxury of editing out most of this and whatever. And I wanted it to feel like a conversation. I knew I had about 15, 20 minutes with him, so I spent the first seven minutes just talking about the album like this, comparing it to past albums, like, remember when you did this? And remember when this happened? Blah, blah, blah. And every time he answered the question, it was like, okay. And then he went with it. And I could tell by. And then by like the third question, he had kind of relaxed and he kind of sat back and whatever. And that's what I lean for. And I said, so listen now, you know I was a big fan of you and so. And so together. What happened, baby? And he was like, I knew you was gonna ask me that question. And I. But the thing is, he answered me. He answered the question because he said, well, you know what? Then he said, I really did enjoy that relationship, but, you know, things happen and, you know, and there's been a lot of stuff said in the media and he didn't really like, I gave him an open ended enough question, but he told me more than he told anybody else. Like, he just was like, no comment to everybody else. But he actually gave me an answer and a story because I let him do what he came there to do first. He just had the bad timing of a breakup right before he was trying to promote an album. Po him. Poor him.

So for some reason, I feel like whoever he is, I feel like he's doing okay.

You know, he is just fine. He is just fine. But in that moment, it was like I. And I knew I was one of the last people he had talked to, right? Because I had seen his other recent interviews. And so, yeah, it was. It was. It's one of those things where you have to read, you know, how people say, read the room. You have to respect where people are and when. And understand when they're ready. Because, like, his body language changed. Like, his. He was tense when he came in. Tense but friendly, but tense. Because he had already been put over the coals all these other times. But because I had talked to him about what he wanted to talk about first, he was able to relax into the moment because he did what he came to do. He didn't feel like he left something undone. Once his body language changed, once he sat back in his chair and got comfortable, that's when I leaned forward and went for the rest of it. Because at this point, you've already signaled to me that you are chilling and you are ready to talk. So now let's have the real. Let's have the conversation that I want to have now. Because you want to get it out too, don't you? And that's really how you do it. You want to get it out.

Right. Oh, this is great. Because there's. There we have the element of connection and trust. So you have. You built on a previous good experience because you'd known him before. And then you also have the benefit of reciprocity as well, because, you know, he's coming in here trying to get something done. He's here for business. Business. And so you respect that. You say, hey, listen, I know you're here for business. Let's get your business out of the way first. And so he. Mission accomplished. And he felt more relaxed. You saw that relaxed posture. You know, the affect changed. He seemed different. And now the defenses are down. Because if you would have asked that. That question, like, right up front, it would have been either no comment or something very defensive or evasive. And so by being able to conversation.

Yeah. And the rest of the conversation would have suffered as a result of it. And, you know, and I think the same things happen, you know, even when I go to speak to an organization or to do things, like one time a group of financial executives. And I rarely get the opportunity to talk to people in banking and stuff like that because they. At least early when I started speaking, because my topic doesn't sound like it would necessarily fit. Right. I have gotten more business out of an International Women's Day event that I spoke to a group of women in business, in finance, than some of my. Then most of my other talks, because they were able to see. Because I could tell they were trying to figure out why I was there. You can tell the moment a room changes in your favor, right. When you speak to somebody's experience, when you speak to something that they can relate to. And the same shift that happened with that artist happened with these women. They were in the room. They were being polite or whatever. And I, you know, you say what. You know, I realized, like, okay, this is a little cool here. And so I spoke to being a woman in a professional setting and how what the value is that we bring is often not seen, and we have to express it. Everybody set up.

Mm.

Just a little bit. Some people did the. You know, the RCA dog. Huh. Like, all of a sudden, you can tell when people pay attention because you're. You're hitting a chord.

That's. This is great. Because this concept of not only knowing your worth, but also communicating your value is one of the hardest things to do because you don't want it to seem as though you are begging for validation, where you're almost giving the other side all of the ammunition, saying, hey, hey, pick Me because of this and this and this and this and right. There's a way. And so there's a really tough balance where you don't want to come off as needing their validation, but at the same time you want to communicate your value to them in from a place of power. And so how, when you're coaching people and working with people and doing these amazing keynotes, how, what advice do you give to people who are struggling to communicate their value without seeming needy as they do it?

So the reality is that you never have to say what your value is. You carry it with you when you enter a room. It's energy. It's not necessarily words, even though the words are important. And this is the reason why I start with the individual. I start, I call the exercise uncovering Authenticity, Finding value. Because most people don't know what value they actually offer. Their. Because their, their value proposition often shifts depending on what the situation is, even if they're bringing the same thing to the table. So I usually ask people three questions. The first one is, you know, what do you actually do? What's the work you do? Not your job description, not the outcomes that you are hired to, to make happen. Not, you know, what's the physical work you do every day, what is it you know, do you lead teams? Do you, you know, provide support for your team? Do you communicate to your external, external stakeholders, do you make things? What do you do? Then you ask yourself, what benefits do other people get from that work? And think about all the different people and groups that can have a benefit from the output you have. And then third, what's important to you about providing those benefits? Because you have to connect what's important to you. You know, the Simon, the classic Simon Sinek, what's your, why you have to connect the reason why you do something to your values and to what's valuable. And while I believe that people have value regardless of their work output, the reality is, is that most of us look at our output in this way. From, from, you know, look at our value from, in terms of our work output, especially if you're American. So that's why I base it there. And then you make a statement about who you are, the value you bring to other people and why that's important to you, because then it grounds you in your values, what's important to you at the end of the day, the thing that keeps you going, the thing you believe in. You know, whether that value is equity, whether that value is, you know, abundance, whatever it is that you value, your Work has to benefit other people in alignment with that. I also think that's a way that you decide what, where you're going to be. Does the organization you work for actually reflect the same values that you do? Do you reflect the same values? That is, is there a mismatch? Has there been a change? Like, that's how. That's how you decide if the work you're doing is valuable, especially as you get older, then when you know that, you walk into the room very differently. So you could be talking about any. Like most of us do a wide variety of things, right? So when you walk into a room, that person may only care. You may only talk about the thing that they care about. But when you walk in, you bring all of the value that comes with you into that room. And that is how you don't turn into a pick me. Because you don't need that validation anymore, right? What you need, like, that's the reason why I'm able to go in and diagnose problems for companies, right? Like, I had a company called Bring Me in to develop some leaders, you know, women leaders in the organization because they were expanding and they were expanding. Why they were adding new things to it. So it was a wide and kind of flat organization. And they had a lot of people that weren't ready to move up, right? But they wanted to. So they brought me in to do this pilot program with, with this group of women. And I had been told that they had potential and that they just needed, you know, further training and, you know, understanding of how to communicate as leaders in the organization. And when I started working with them, I realized they didn't have potential. They already had it. They were already doing it. It just wasn't being recognized by the people who needed to be making decision decisions to put them in the positions they were. So I realized part of that was that they didn't know how to communicate because they were so busy doing that they weren't talking about what they were doing. So the. So even though people had a sense that they were doing something, they weren't able to communicate it because they themselves were so busy doing that they hadn't stopped to celebrate what they had done. So when my work with them was primarily about helping them be able to see for themselves what they were accomplishing. And when they had their final presentation to their C suite, the, you know, the CEO said to me, oh my gosh, you did such a great job with them. And I'm thinking to myself, no, sir, I did not. I just told I just taught them how to talk to you about what they do. But it doesn't matter what I did. I did what they hired me to do, which was see that, that potential, you know, like had I needed to, to build potential in them. Great. Like, there were a couple people who, who did need some further skill development, but really it was about teaching them how to share what they had already done in a way that helped other people see it and changed how they walked into the room. Everybody talked about how their confidence had changed.

Wow. It all comes back down to the confidence, right? And for me, it's the distinction between trying to convince people versus conveying. So convince versus convey. So with convincing, you're trying to not only make an argument, but have that argument be accepted. So if you're talking to a brick wall and the person doesn't accept it, then you have failed to convince them, and you're still giving away your power to somebody else.

Right.

But here this is about conveying, and you can convey without words. And if we want to go through the different generations, we have different terms for it. The, the youngest generation would call it aura. We might call it confidence or swagger. And in the business world, we might call it executive presence. But all it is is understanding who you are, the value you bring, and how to connect and have a positive impact with other people. And then I love tying all of that into your values too, because when you are able to have that internal alignment, communication becomes far easier because you understand where it's originating from. To me, through me, to you, for a purpose. And you've given people so much clarity. It's kind of, I forget who it is. Da Vinci or Michelangelo, some incredible old Italian was when it comes to the making the, the statue of David. They said it wasn't so much that I, I sculpted this, it's that I revealed what was already within the marble. And I think that's what you're doing with people. You're helping them to shed those internal and external barriers they have to true, authentic self expression. And I, I, Incredible, incredible work.

Thank you. Thank you. I, I, I hope that it has an impact because, you know, when you accident, like all of this came up accidentally, right? Or, or maybe accidentally on purpose, I don't know. But it revealed itself to me in the way that, you know, I was guided and led and, and all of those things, and I just, I realized other people didn't have this. I took for grant. You know, we take for granted what we, we know and what we are exposed to. And I'm. You know what? I want to go back to one thing you said about convincing. Most of the time when you are trying to convince somebody else, chances are the person, the first person you're trying to convince is yourself. That's what convincing is to me. It's. It's asking for that, for that validation. But, yeah.

Oh, now, see, I keep on trying to end this interview, Gene, and you keep on being brilliant. Because what's really interesting is that if we think about it, this is a powerful philosophical message, because what we're recognizing is that we can't really convince anybody of anything. We have to put them in a position and converse with them in a way that allows them to convince themselves. That's true persuasion. But there is one person that we can and should convince, and that's ourselves, because we are taking the action and we are the ultimate authority in our life. So I just need to convince myself. And sometimes that takes a few minutes, a few seconds, might take a few days, months, weeks, or even years. But once you can convince yourself that you are worthy, that you have it, you can see that value. Then it makes it so much easier for you to convey that just with the presence that you bring.

Indeed, indeed. You got the keys to the kingdom, my brother.

I love it. This is great. And Gene, before you go, just make sure you can let the listeners know about the book, where they can get it, and how they can work with you, too.

Yes, everything@fearlessauthenticity.com if you want information just about the book, put a slash book on the end of that and they'll take you right to that page. But fearlessauthenticity.com is where you find me. And of course, I'm active on all the social medias, so join me on LinkedIn if you prefer to be professional. If you want to be a little silly, come join me on Instagram. We have a lot of fun over there. I even try the ticky talkies every now and then. You know, you got to have fun. And wait, what is the kiss? You got it. You got to have a little riz.

That's right.

I try just a little bit.

Oh, goodness, Gene, this was fantastic. Thank you so much for joining us. I have a question for both of you in this case, because when I try to. I mean, I love negotiation, but I have my unique point of view about negotiation. For instance, as many things in my life. But sometimes it might be difficult for me to explain my point of view because it's unusual. Let's say unusual. So I feel fear. So what's the difference between feeling fear of speaking up and saying, oh, this is not me. So it's better not to try it. Because if we feel that something's wrong, it's better not to say. But sometimes we can, we can get confused and think that this is not me and it is actually fear. So what's the difference inside?

Oh, that's a good one. Good. So I would say that you have to get in touch with what you're feeling, actually feels like physically, you have to name it, right? The best part of self awareness is understanding what we're feeling. Because I think a lot of times we mistake some feelings for others. And this is the reason why there are points when I would this, this is almost also part of the reason why I don't do a lot of one on one work anymore. Because I often end up realizing that people actually need to go to therapy and talk this stuff out. It's beyond what I can help them with. Because sometimes people call sadness anger, right? Because of, you know, you know what I'm saying? Because, you know, like, for instance, people say that depression is actually anger forced within. Like that's how they, they, you know, describe it. Feet. Whereas anxiety is like fear of what could happen. Anxiety is, I mean, depression is fear about what has happened and anger about that, right? But as a result, like, sometimes people don't understand when they're. They call it, they, they might call it anger, but it's actually disgust, which is a different feeling. Like, I think the better we get with our words about giving names to things that we are feeling and knowing what that is. Because sometimes that fear, maybe it is fear and it's based on fear. But fear of what, right, Is, is it fear of. If I say this, then I won't be accepted anymore. Is it. So, so is that a fear of not belonging or is it a fear that I'm wrong? Right. So is that a doubt? Is it actually doubt? So I would say you'd have to really, like, that's an internal experience that ex. That tapping into it instead of running away from it is probably the way to understand how it happens. And sometimes it is about taking that chance, not listening to the fear. And this is what I meant when I said to Kwame earlier about pushing those boundaries to figure out where those boundaries are for you. So Oak is like, okay, I have fear right now, but what am I actually afraid of? Should I, should I push this? Let me see. Sometimes you got to do a B test. If I Do this, what happens. And you, you know, you have to weigh about whether or not you have the opportunity or if it's, you know, if it's too big of a risk for you to test it in that moment. But, you know, nothing ventured, nothing gained. So learning yourself is the most important part. What is that fear, you know, and, and knowing when the fear is actually a warning and when it's just your body going, o, am I gonna stand on business today for myself or am I gonna give. Am I going to capitulate?

This is good. I just a couple things to, to add, because for me, when it comes to those types of situations of whether or not I should say something and I feel that fear, I understand that it's familiar and normal. Like, that is a normal human experience. That's the body reacting exactly how it should under, under the circumstances. And like Gene said, what I have to do then is see, okay, what type of fear is this? Is this a legitimate signal of danger that I should avoid void for my strategic purposes? Then. Then I'll like, acknowledge that. But in most social circumstances, most social circumstances, it's not. And so for me, instead of like, listening to the fear, I think about the fear as a signal, but it's not like a directive. My fear cannot tell me what to do. I have to then think about it. And the question that I ask myself is, what kind of man do I want to be? How do I see myself? And who. What would I do, a person who I aspire to be do under these circumstances? And a lot of times the as ask the question that fear grows because not only are we afraid of fear, failure, but we're also afraid of success. We're also kind of worried, like, am I worthy about. Of what's on the other side of this? And then even if I do make the right move and I do level up, can I handle the next level? Right? And so a lot of times when you see a tough situation where there's. It's either a lot of pressure or a lot of stress or something bad happened, you'll see me, I'll. I will not only be smiling, but laughing because I've developed this habit of. I'm like, I'm going to laugh at the fear. It is a part of myself that will always be along in the journey and it will always be there, raising the alarm bells in an almost cartoonish type of way. So I just have to laugh. And I know it'll come back in waves. And I just need to figure out, all right, really it's not a situation where what I need to do is strategically difficult to do, or it's not a question of whether or not I have the tools to execute. That part's actually really simple. I'm just struggling with the weight of the decision because I recognize that it's something substantial. And once I'm able to distinguish between how I'm feeling and what is real and what needs to be done and who I aspire to be, then a lot of times it's really clear what to do, and you just have to push through that feeling. And I treat it as a practice session every time I overcome my fears. I have just practiced overcoming my fears. So it's not even so much about what it is that I'm trying to say in the moment as it is about who I aspire to be and getting better at conquering fear.

That is deep. That is beautiful. It is about alignment. It really is about alignment. I just looked over because I wrote myself a note for, like, when you freeze. Because, like, freezing is one of the.

The.

One of the most primary things that happens when you're fear, fearful. And I saw a woman, an. A neuroscientist talk about. About how you make decisions when you're scared. And it's about identifying what it is. Like, what. Just what Kwame said, like, identifying what it is and then making a decision about that thing. Like, if it's about a commitment, ask yourself, will this drain or energize me? Right. And because then you know what you're afraid of in that moment. Like, I'm afraid of being drained. That's probably what it is. And then you ask yourself that actual question is, is that what it is? If. If it's about tasks you need to do, you know, what will move the needle the most. Right. And so I would say the same would be true of, you know, intervening. Let's call it intervening, whatever. Changing some outcome. Will this move the needle? Will like. And as you know, will it get me closer to my goals? And then if it's a really urgent thing, the question that I ask now is, what will my future self thank me for doing in this moment?

Oh, that's good.

And I. And I wish I had written down the neuroscientist this name. But, like, I'm a sticky note person, so I have it written down and I have it stuck on my other laptop so that I can see it when I'm having those moments. Because your brain kind of short circuits when you're feeling feelings. And. And this is all the feelings, whether it's fear, excitement, joy, anything. Your brain kind of shuts off when the. When it floods with all of those feelings. So you're not able to actually think through that moment as well as you would like to. But once you acknowledge what the feeling is, then all of a sudden you kind of take away some of its power over you, and then it's about what's. Knowing what to do next and making that a habit. Like the laughter. Actually, laughter is a great way to short circuit a lot of emotions. Like, I use that with my. With. With when I'm coaching people for media and stuff like that. If you can find a way to laugh when you're nervous, the nervousness goes away, at least long enough for you to get, like, your first answer out or something that will give your body feedback that, oh, I'm safe now. Because that's really what nervousness is about.

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