"Positive Relationships" Paraliminal, Session A, with Dr. Paul Scheele

Hello. It is Tuesday in October. And that means the paralliminal that we're playing with today is called Positive relationships. Session A. This is about dealing with interpersonal conflict. Tomorrow is session B. That's about attracting the relationships that you really want in your life that can support you best. The interesting thing about human interactions is inevitably we're going to encounter conflicts. Unlike math problems, where you can solve it and it stays solved, what's called a determinant problem, relationships are indeterminate problems. You can solve it today, but next week you could have the same problem back again. And that's a result of the fact that there's so many dynamics that happen between individuals in an interpersonal dynamic. It's essentially a situation where we've got a feedback loop where your behavior, verbal and nonverbal behavior, is causing a response in the person that you're communicating with.

And their verbal and nonverbal behavior causes a response in you. Now, imagine if you've ever been in a customer service situation. Somebody comes into your store and they're really angry, and they want to talk to the manager. You're the first line there. You need to speak with them, and you say, well, I don't know what, I can't get me somebody who I could talk to. And what's happening that the nonverbal behavior of the person who's irate, angry, for whatever reason, is a mismatch for years.

And the way to resolve that is to be able to not get hooked by what's happening in the other person's nonverbal behavior, which includes, by the way, voice, tone, tempo, rhythm, volume, and all the other nonverbal behavioral gestures. So many muscles in the face can trigger a response in you.

So when you want to interact with somebody, essentially what we're attempting to do is be as best of a match in a neutral situation. So I want to increase my tone, tempo, rhythm, and volume to match that person. I can see that this is very important to you. We're going to get to the bottom of this. We're going to make sure that you get satisfaction on this thing. That's important. And you see, all my nonverbal behavior is the same thing that that person was doing. But now I'm in a neutral state, looking for a mutually desired outcome, something that we both want. I want my customer to be happy. The customer wants to be satisfied, not only that their product is doing what it needs to do, but that the service is going to be there for them. And this is a key in the idea of an interpersonal dynamic. There is a sphere in which these interactions occur. So your state, emotional state is going to be presented in your nonverbal external behavior and your emotional state is going to be determined by what it is you're thinking about that's happening. So positive relationships A stops all that and lets you decide, what is it I want to think about here in this relationship? What's at risk for me? What's at risk for the other person? And what is it that I would really like, not only for myself, but for them? Here's what I want for me. Here's what I want for you. Here's what I want from you. And when you're clear about what that is, then when you go into a situation of potential conflict, allow yourself to be in an emotionally neutral and available state. Think about these four commitments. I wrote these down. That you want to intentionally create time and space for the relating to occur. Here's the other point. A relationship is not a thing. You can't put it in a wheelbarrow and walk it around. It is a process. A relationship isn't a thing, it's a process of relating. So what we want to do is want to create the context of situation in which this process of relating can occur. That's hospitable for everybody who's participating. Weapons of mass destruction and distraction are out or present. We're available. Secondly, we want to be able to create a situation where if we're going to struggle, if we're going to have emotions, if stuff is going to come up, okay, we don't have to pull out the emotional ambulance and we don't have to prevent the other person from possibly having an angry thought or feeling. It's okay if we don't let it be okay for any emotion to show up, mine or the other person's, Then I create escalating error. I'm trying to mind reading what's going to happen in the other person. I'm going to prevent something from happening. I can't stop someone from feeling what they feel. They're going to feel whatever they feel. The only thing I have choice about is what is it that I'm going to feel. If it's okay that I feel angry, frustrated, confused, good. Let me go to a beginner's mind and hold the situation of openness and where I can struggle with whatever problem is occurring in this interpersonal dynamic. The third thing about a relationship or a process of relating is that we determine to do this together, that we're going to Meet that we're going to include all of who we are. We're going to show up authentically with whatever's going on and we're going to be in inquiry. We're going to, we're going to think about what really matters here. What are the questions that we're wrestling with now. You see, as soon as I do that, I'm shifting to a different level of awareness, a different situational awareness of what's going on. You see, when we're in a conflict situation, there's problem. We're trying to get to a solution. Problem, solution. Every solution creates a problem. Every problem creates the opportunity for another solution. And in that dynamic, back forth, back forth, we realize that we're still stuck in a certain way of thinking about the problem as it is. That's our paradigm, our view of what the problem is. And if we're really going to solve it, we have to go to another level of view. We have to go to a higher perspective in which we can solve the way were solving the problem. You can't solve a problem at the level at which it was generated. So for example, if you have a teenager as a child and they're going through their stuff and you get together with them and you're trying to interact with them and you're trying to modify their behavior to get them where you want them to go, you've got a perfect brew for an interpersonal conflict. So what do you have to do? You have to go and realize you're safe, you're okay, the other person is safe, they're okay, there's conflict going on. The process of relating is not working. What can we do? That's what the positive relationships Paraliminal session A is all about. It gives you the opportunity to pause, to think, to set the context, the tone. How do I want to show up? What do I want to get to? And when you do, when you have that higher perspective, as if you can see you and the other person from a higher point of view and see the interactions that are going on here, the interpersonal transmissions that are occurring sense into what's going on, you're going to have a lot more choice. And when you're in an emotionally neutral state, open beginner's mind, let go of the past, be present to what's going on now. You're going to be much more effective in any interpersonal conflict situation. There is a psychologist in the Minneapolis area where I'm from, named Sherrod Miller, who developed something called the awareness wheel. And it has five components. First is what is your senses? What are your senses giving you as information? This is what I see, this is what I hear. Then what that does is it triggers a certain thought in you. Now if you can be aware of the sensory based information that's coming in, tone, tempo, rhythm, volume, gestures, you can be aware of the thoughts that are triggered in your mind when you see and hear that. You can recognize how you feel.

When that's happening. When you can express that, all the more powerful then you can say what you want, what you want for yourself, what you want for the other person, what you want from the other person. And then you can state what it is that you'll do. What is an action that you're willing to take that will move you in the direction of a mutually beneficial outcome. It's a powerful idea, this idea of improving the quality of quality of your relationships and improving your skills at interpersonal conflict so you can eliminate violence. When there's nonviolence in your thinking, when there's nonviolence in your feeling, when there's nonviolence in your body, in your responses, you're really elevating the recognition. Hey.

There are 8 billion of us that are living on this tiny spaceship together and let's face it, we've got to get along. Positive relationship session A will help that occur. Peace and blessings. Thanks for being with me today. Have a wonderful day. Get to it, make it all happen. Have the intention to improve the quality of your relationships today. Thanks for now. All the best.