Q&A: Love/Fear or Expansion/Contraction

Hello and welcome to today's coaching Q and A call. I am Wendy Greer with learning strategies and mind tracks, and I'm going to be leading our event today. I am going to share a couple of tools before we get into the questions because we did have a few that I have found to be incredibly useful in working with other people and with working with yourself. They're standalone tools that I've used for many years, but they can really, really enhance your perilyiminal use. So I want to share what they are and then how you might want to incorporate these. I think it'd be pretty clear, you know, from a totally pragmatic, you know, everyday using only these tools. But I want to tell you how I integrate them into my perilyiminal use. So like everybody, I have had some challenging people in my life.

They show up regularly. I know there are growth opportunities, but sometimes, yeah, they're a little challenging. And it's particularly challenging when there are family members because, you know, some people, you can set boundary and say, okay, I'm done. I need to walk away from this. You know, I don't need any further contact. But family members, you can't do that. And so I understand where a lot of people get sort of stuck in dynamics that are not very conducive to expansion, light and harmony. So I had an incident where, or an instance where I had been dealing with something chronic in, within the context of the family, had somebody in the family who was very manipulative and very perceptive on knowing where, where they could needle you and get you going and get your goat. And it wasn't just me, it was a lot of people. It was pretty broad scope and it had accelerated and exacerbated beyond reasonable.

Levels as far as most people were concerned. And you know, I'm a, I'm a solutions person. I like to find, find things that will work. And so I was just, I was doing, I was doing, releasing, I was doing, I didn't do. I wasn't familiar with EFT then, but I was doing morning pages. I was doing everything I could think of. And I happened to come across a book by Gerald Jampolsky called Teach Only Love. And I can't even remember how this came to me, but Jerry Jampolsky was a traditionally trained psychologist, a psychiatrist, actually a very traditional practice, went through a rough time in his life and happened to stumble across the Course in Miracles, which is a program that is, that works with your, with your spiritual center and has a couple of basic premises. One is that we are all sparks off the same divine flame. And the other is that there are two primary emotions. There is love and there is fear. And you can't operate from both synchronously. You're either coming from one or the other. So this was a whole different way of looking at this. And what he actually ended up doing was incorporating it into his mainstream practice. So he. He called it spiritual psychology, which I think is just awesome from a traditionally trained psychiatrist. And so what he was doing was that he was remembering to tell people and remind people that with these two emotions of love or fear, the love is our natural inclination. And then fear is manufactured by the brain, by. By the thoughts, by what goes on here, which then engenders the tension, the anxiety, and the fear and paranoia. So what we need to. What we ideally would learn to do is to let go of the fear. You know, practice forgiveness by seeing everyone, including ourselves, as. As being blameless and guiltless and. And deserving of all good. So in that context, of course, this relationship that was driving me crazy was, okay, this is clearly not love. This is fear. What's the fear here? What's going on behind the scenes? And I tell you, the whole perspective changed because I was no longer looking at the problem and expecting the next attack. It was like, what has to be true in this person's world for this to be happening? What do they have to be thinking? What do they have to perceive as being. As going on that they would think this is an appropriate way to behave? So where are they operating from? Well, a couple things that happen here is. First of all, I stepped immediately into a compassionate state, and compassion is one of my core values, which is why this relationship was so frustrating, because I was so resentful and getting so angry at being treated this way and seeing it happening broad scope. So it put me in the place of compassion. It detached me from the ugly behavior. It gave me this space. And from there, I could discern what the alternatives might be. And I could also see why what was happening was happening. There was a fear there. There was a basic insecurity. There was an ego issue. So I sort of got bird's eye view and I could have compassion toward this person, even though they were constantly striking out and trying to. To get people and really, you know, sort of gouge, because I was coming from a place of, okay, this is fear. This is fear. How. How horrible must it be to be stuck in that. In that box? How horrible must it be to think that this is the way to behave? How Horrible must it be so. So if I can embrace that, if I can be compassionate, if I can be open and light filled as I would hope to be in all circumstances, even this circumstance, then I'm doing what I can do to shift the perspective. And it gave me, it really made me feel empowered that I was no longer compromising what I was. I was no longer at the beck and call of this or it's not even, that's not quite the term, but I was no longer being severely influenced by this person that was so manipulative. It was just, and it was just so unpleasant to be a part of it. So I think this tool can be used in any relationship and oh, I want to give you one, one thought. This, there's a saying that, this saying, every time I say it, it has this incredible zing to it. It's not attributed to anybody in particular, but it sums up what I was just talking about. I, I'm sure this is from one. One of the pearls of wisdom from the Sufi tradition or one of the ancient mystic schools. But anyway, the, the saying is fear knocked on the door, love answered and no one was there.

I, I just, that's. It gives me goosebumps. It's just so profound. If, if love is there, if the light is there, the darkness can't, can't coexist and it, it's not there. So if, if love answers the door.

The fear isn't there. So, so I think that's just so profound. So I want to bring this into the paraliminal world. Generally when somebody's either looking to enhance a relationship or if they've got a challenging relationship that they're trying to somehow, you know, modulate into a more meaningful and productive and mutually beneficial relationship. I, we would start with positive relationships, which is create strong, beneficial and lasting relationships. That is a great place to start. But with this insight of fear or love and really sort of putting yourself in the other person's shoes, you can gain a whole new perspective and a whole new level of connecting and, and being there with and for that person. So self love. Because if you're, if you love yourself, if you are living in the light, if you are, if you're in the upper energy centers, they always say if you can stay in the upper energy centers, if you think you go down no lower than heart. So if you're in those upper, upper energy centers, if you're in self love, that fear can't. There's no chinks for it to enter. So, so you can stand There and hold the light and, and hopefully eventually this person will, will see it. So self Love Fresh Start and self and sorry, that was Self Love, Fresh Start and Letting Go. I want to talk about these two together for a minute. A lot of people think these are very similar. I mean they're coming from a similar perspective, but there's a different, there's entirely different undertone to them. Fresh Start is knowing that every minute of every day, every second of every day is an opportunity to start anew. However, if you have not let go of the stuck states, if you have not taken a look to see what's going on, where you're feeling jammed up, where, where you are, you're, you're, you're not in, in a, in a place of love where you might be in fear, where you might be in contraction, then you, even though you have a fresh start, you don't have the space to really jump with it. You're still carrying the, all the, all the rocks because you're still, you haven't done, you haven't let go of the rocks, you haven't let go of the, of the loads, the burdens. So that's why those two in tandem and the letting go. If you're, if you're using Fresh Start and you're feeling like you're not making headway, you might use the letting go first because it really does open the space. It clears some room for that, that new perspective and that fresh start. So I'm sure you can see what I mean here. If know this person is operating from fear and you go into that circumstance in a play from love and light, then you, you are not a receptor for, for the fear. They almost lose their, their target because it just rolls off. And then you have the opportunity to, to shift the whole, the whole paradigm. So that's one of them. That, that love and fear was just really big for me and it's made such a difference and I've shared it with a lot of people with really challenging or you know, downright dysfunctional relationships. And it can make such a difference because when your perspective changes, the whole, the whole, the whole shebang shifts. So the other one I want to share and this is more of an interior job, but we. I worked with a meditation teacher for some length and what I loved was the way she distilled things. I'm very much of a pragmatist. I have to be able to take it out into the world. I want real world tools and that's one of the reasons I love parallel so much because they're so immediately convert it into what you can use in your life. But her, her main premise is very aligned with the love and fear is there are two states. There's expansion and there's contraction. If you're expanded, you're light filled, you're, you're joyous, you're heart, you're living in harmony and serenity, you're resourceful, you're very proactive and you're living in a joyful place. If you're contracted, you're in the dark, you're contract, you're fearful, you're paranoid, you're anxious, you're, you're not too sure, you're safe, you're, there's a, there's a safety security issue. And so you know, you can be anywhere in this range between the contracted and the open, but you have a choice on which one you embrace. And so, and what, what I look at this as, is almost like.

Having an internal gps. So when you're contracted and you're, and you find you're going through your day and you're getting more and more tight and your shoulders are clenched up and you're just feeling really, you know, the world is, is out to get you. It's like the universe is going, hey, hey. Notice you're feeling a little tied up there, a little bound up. My, my. Wonder where you can consider the, the path you're walking. You know, where's your North Star? Have you got your, your North Star is back there and you're going this way. So it's such a great pragmatic tool because anytime you're feeling cut off and contracted and, and, and in that space of just no options that you're in a corner, you know, expansion is the other choice. The other choice just as in love and fear. So for that, for this topic, this is one of the reasons that when people are really stuck, I really like the joy. I think is just wonderful because when you're in a state of joy, it's like life bubbles up through you and it just, there's no way that you can be contracted and be in a joyous state. So joy, youthful vitality. As I said last time, I've got grandkids and I tell you, it's, it's a blast to spend time with kids. I just, I wish, I wish we could get preschools and senior centers together because I think they'd feed each other so well. So youthful vitality. Because when you're in the flow and life is a, is a Miracle. And you're. Every day is a new adventure. You know, you're, you're expanded, you're, you're in an expanded light filled place. And gratitude, because gratitude makes you tune into what is working in your world. Gratitude is a great one because you know, we did that whole, I did that spiel about gratitude and how powerful it can be because when you're focused on what is working and, and even if you, you have to, even if you have to dig deep for something to be grateful for, just that orientation moves you toward expansion, moves you toward love and it will, it will help you to maintain that state. So these are such great course correction tools. I just really wanted to share those with you. The, the love and fear can have such a proud profound impact on, on you know, good relationships as well. But, but on, on challenging ones where you just, you know, you, you just are feeling bombarded and, and you know, parents of, of children that are, that have challenges, you can get sucked into this, this downward spiral and, and you, you start participating in the fear as well. So if you can stay in love and expansion, it's all for the good. So that's, I think what I wanted to say on those topics. And then we did have some questions. So first one, I can't sleep chronic for eight and a half years. Oh, that would be challenging. And in the last two and a half of developed breast cancer. How would this help me as I've been tapping and listening to other music which is supposed to help but hasn't yet. Would this help me?

I can't make any medical pro, Debbie. I can't make any medical prognostications. However, over the years I've noticed several things. Body, mind and spirit are inextricably linked. If one shifts, the others are going to shift as well. So if body, mind and spirit are linked and one of them is manifesting dis ease as in lack of flow, lack of ease in the body, the mind or the spirit, there's going to be ramifications. Paraliminals are awesome for working with that. I don't know what you know, there are many paths to the same destination, but what you're using sound like great tools. But the reason paralympicals are so, are so incredible is you're working. You work a lot with your conscious mind but your other than conscious is there behind the scenes all the time. All your memories, all your, all your inner knowing, you're connecting to quantum sort, the quantum field, the emptiness source, whatever your divinity, whatever you want to call it. So para Liminals are just incredible for accessing that greater power that, that's always surrounding us on that energy that's always, always this infinite pool of energy. And we, you know, there's that saying, you can go to the ocean, you can even go with a dropper, you can go with a bucket, you can go with a tanker truck. The ocean doesn't care. You take as much as you want. That's what energy is like. So the para liminals remind you of your capacity. So there were several components to this. So I was going to mention a couple of things. If you're having trouble sleeping, deep relaxation before, you know, and it might be mid afternoon maybe so you're starting to wind down. I'm sure you've, you know, checked into the, the blue light blockers and the, you know, cutting off caffeine and all the, all the physiological stuff. But deep relaxation. Some people use deep relaxation even right before sleep. But since we release the sleep deeply, wake refreshed, I'd probably use that immediately before bedtime. From the perspective of health we have, I mean, anything can be used and adapted. But the, there's several that I would definitely consider perfect health because that reminds you of what I was just saying. You have the blueprint for perfect health. It's just a little, it's a little awry, it's not quite lined up. So you need to align yourself with that blueprint. You already have five Elements healing.

One of the courses I coach is feng shui and when I first started coaching it, five elements is huge in feng shui because what you're looking for is a balance in your physical environment. Anytime you go into a room that feels good. I don't think there's been any exceptions where the elements haven't been balanced. They're all represented and they're in proportion. So 5 elements healing would be good. If you're undergoing traditional treatment as well and you're feeling de energized, then the recovery and re energize would be good. And again the youthful vitality because that one is about really tuning into to that infinite supply that surrounds you. And it's an ocean we can dip into anytime we want and we deprive ourselves. So those are the parallel I would use. I would, I would again say, you know, many roads, the same destination. But I, you're, you're on track. But I parallel could definitely help. You know, as I said, no, no medical claims, but just to make you a more balanced and a very whole, whole complete, you're Already complete but you've, you've, you've forgotten that you're complete. So is that that reminder of your divinity of, of that, that internal never ending completeness? So, so I would encourage you to do that. My mind tends to wander a lot when I'm listening to the paralympos. So I just want to know if they will still be affected when this happens. Absolutely. It's really funny because monkey mind is the biggest challenge for people when they meditate. And I think paralympinals tend to remove monkey mind because you have something you're listening to. So it tends to, instead of you doing your laundry list, you know, you're sort of dipping in and out of the messages. But if your mind is wandering, that's your conscious mind. You're other than conscious. If you set a clear intention. It doesn't matter what's going on around you or where, where your mind is wandering. You know, you're, if you, I mean, if it's bothering you, then you may not be hearing the messages that are coming through. You know, I had a meditation teacher that used to joke, joke with me because I'm, I've got a pretty active intellect. She would say, Wendy, tell it to go to the back of the bus. Just tell it to go to the back of the bus and it doesn't behave itself. Tell it to get off. So yeah, don't worry, you'll still benefit. And you know, if it's bothering you, build into your intention. My. Oh, one other thing too that's effective for, for monkey mind. Tell your other than your conscious mind before you go to listen. If it's, if it is in fact a list of things you need to do, right, write them down. So you've physically written them down. Tell your, tell your conscious mind. I got it. I'll deal with that one when I'm done with the parallel. Right now I'd like you to step aside because I want, I, I'm going to work with this. But if you tell your other than your conscious mind before you go to do the paraliminal, you know, I, I'm taking a break here. I want my other than conscious and the wisdom that resides there to come to the surface and just ask it to step aside just for 20, 22, 24 minutes and, and then you can come back on board. It's amazing if we just make a clear request how the universe and our own internal mechanisms comply. So yeah, you'll still benefit. But if it's bothering you, then I would use maybe One of those two techniques and then we had one here that I love. I hear this a lot. How do we manage competing goals? When I try to focus on doing better in one area, all the others, which are also important, get neglected even more. Then I try to address them, but feel like I'm getting nowhere with my original goal. For example, I need to lose weight, do better with money, tidy up the house more and become more organized as well as become more assertive. Yes, I will be using a lot of paralympicals, but I would appreciate help with how to go about it when I'm struggling in a lot of areas. Okay, couple things. When somebody has multiple goals, I find that one or two, maybe three, is probably the max you can work on at one time. What happens if you take on too many goals is you're so diversified and you're so spread out that you don't do any of them well. And so, and the way I generally suggest that you select which ones you're going to work on are one of two things. Either you absolutely know it's highest priority. Like if you got a serious health compromise, that's high priority because you may not be here to deal with all the other goals if you don't take care of the health priority. So you know, if you're going to lose your house and you've got some other peripheral goals that aren't real high priority, then you're probably going to want to work on your finances because you need to, you need to ideally have somewhere to live, that roof over your head. So that would be one. The other is some goals, if you achieve that goal, there's a trickle effect and they sort of pull everything along with you. So one of my questions for you on a personal level would be like you mentioned the losing weight. So how do you feel about what you feel? Is the excess weight? Is that impacting every area? Is it impacting your self esteem? Is it impacting, you know, how you approach your, your, your colleagues at work, you know, how much impact is that having on your life? If that's having a big impact, then that might be high priority. You know, until you can, until you can sort of get a handle on that and then you might move to some of the others.

Another thing that I notice here is often when you're working on one goal, just because you're focusing on that one does not mean the others don't move in tandem. Often the entire, the entire, whatever you've got going shifts along with it. So when you're, when you're advancing in one area, you're advancing in another, so be aware of that, too. One other technique I'd like to share with you is from Jack Canfield's effortless success course. I think he has it in his success principles as well. But he suggests for people that are feeling really diversified, doing what he calls an irritations list. And you go through your home, your workplace, everything in your life, and you make a list of everything that's aggravating the heck out of you. And then you decide whether you're going to do it, you're going to dump it, or you're going to delegate it. Doing that can have such an impact because all those little things that you're working on have hooks in you. They all got a little energetic hook and they're all pulling, trying to get your attention. So if you do something like the irritations list, you'll have it written down, what's important. You'll probably see that some are more important than others, and some of them may not be a big deal. You may be able to dump them. So that's just a totally pragmatic tool that might be helpful. From the context of paralyminals, there's one that I find really helps people with with this, the Soul of Money with Lynn Twist. The the subtitle on this is transform your relationship with money and life. But what it does is it really.

It sort of helps you to step into.

It helps you reprioritize. LYNN Twist Big thing is sufficiency. When have you got enough? When is it enough? We're such accumulators. And so it's a sort of purposeful assessment of where you're at, where you want to be and where is sufficient, where is adequate. Because sometimes we hold ourselves to such a high standard and we want everything under the sun, and sometimes having it wouldn't even be because when you have all that stuff, you're in the same boat you're in now. You got too many things to play with. So Soul of Money's been a breakthrough for quite a few people that I've spoken with where they're just feeling too spread out and too, too diversified. So that might be one to consider. The self discipline is helpful because it will help you stay on task with what. What's important. But as I had mentioned in an earlier Q and A, sometimes the reason you're not getting that goal done is because it's really not important to you. It's somebody else's goal. So, you know, self discipline for that reason. And Also because it will help you stay on target and sort of assess where you're at and, and you know, whether you're, you're staying on track and then success built to last. Because that one, that was one we did with Stuart Emery and that one is very good for.

Getting a sense of what you're passionate about and then.

It'S what you're here to do generally. And so some of these things that seem so important may be very, very peripheral. So you know, but, but you can decide on that. And you know, one of the things that both the self discipline and the success built the last and the irritations list will help you with is you got a finite amount of energy. So what, how do you want to spend that? You know, if you got, I mean you got an infinite access, but you got to find, I guess I should say you got an infinite, you got an infinite energy, infinite access, but there's only so much you can channel, you know, use, use at a time. So which, you know, if you have a hundred things to do, which ones are, are really significant which are going to have the impact because you know, we live in a multitasking world and a lot of us are always, always trying to bounce balls or, or juggle balls. So I think it's about prioritizing. One of the things you might do too is a daily assessment. 1 the reason some people get into a bind is they've got this one goal and they're so tunnel visioned and they can't see that peripherally something else is probably more significant. And so when you're doing a daily assessment and measuring things, when you're seeing what your progress has been and whether it's feeling as if you're on track, that might be another pragmatic tool you might do along with that irritations list I mentioned. So that's a few thoughts. As you know, as I say, the parallel are so multifaceted and they're so adaptable and that's why they work so well. So I don't like giving amorphous answers but I address them to the best of my ability right now. So if there are other specifics that I don't know about, then go through your para liminals and see which ones and the subtitles seem applicable to what you've got going on in your life. And you know, make remember too that if you, if you, if you got things that are time sensitive, you know, you need to have that play into conscious time might be one if that's significant for you the whole. The whole timing thing. So. So that is all I have to say. That is the question. So I would encourage you to. To stay in the love, be the light. Make sure when you open the door, you got that light radiating. And lots of love to you. And we will connect again next week. You take care. Bye. Bye.