[Veenu Keller] ​​​​​​​Discovering Your True Self

Welcome to Exit the Matrix Stories of Success with your host Jane Slack Smith, where we celebrate the incredible journeys of individuals who've transcended their limitations and achieved extraordinary success.

Welcome to today's episode of Exit the Matrix Stories of Success, where we delve into extraordinary journeys of transformation and resilience. Now, our guest today is Vinu Keller, a transformational coach, an acclaimed speaker, a parenting expert. Vinu is a dynamic coach dedicated to empowering children and their families. Now, Vinu had an interesting experience in her life. She overcame 21 years of suicidal struggles. She built a 6-figure coaching business since then. She's on a mission to give kids a childhood they won't have to heal from. Breaking Generational Cycles Through Self-Worth and Acceptance. Now, you may have seen Binu on stages. She's been at Tony Robbins events, and she's shared the stages with many acclaimed speakers because her insights have impact. Now, she also hosts a hit TV show, Redefine Parenting, on Zingo TV with over 4 million weekly views, and she has the popular podcast Redefine parenting. Her innovative in-home turnaround program transforms family dynamics, earning her the title of Parent-Child Whisperer. Vinu also has books, Bulletproof, Numb, and these are bestsellers and they add to her expertise. So I'm so excited to be speaking to her today. Now, beyond family relationships, Vinu passionately speaks on the importance of self-worth, self-love, and self-acceptance. She believes that understanding and embracing these principles are essential for personal transformation and happiness. She does all this as well as being a mum of 6 and a loving wife, passionate about personal growth, plant medicine, and a global traveler. She has a passion for bringing her expertise to show and discuss the topics for nurturing family relationships to cultivate self-love and acceptance. So I'm so excited about having Vinu here today. Welcome, Vinu, to Exit The Matrix Podcast.

Oh, thank you so much for allowing me to come here and share my journey with others in hopes that it will inspire someone or make an impact in someone's life.

Perfect. Well, look, let's, let's delve straight into that sliding door pivotal moment for you. What happened? What was the awakening, the awareness, the moment that you realized that you could change your story? Right.

So I love that, that saying sliding door moment, because, you know, it's a time where I didn't expect it to change. You know, when you grow up in the life that I had, I had these filters based around how I was seen in this world, or lack thereof, how I wasn't heard. And I had to fight for everything in my life to be who I needed to be, to stand out, for people to see me. And I felt like that was gonna be it. And I literally, in 2006, wrote in my journal that I give myself permission in 2016 to end my life. And a lot of people say, well, why so precise? And I said, well, at the time I was a single mom of 2 boys. I had been married previously for 10 years to their father, divorced, and was working 3 jobs to make ends meet. And my one child was graduating in 2012, and my next one was graduating in 2016. So 10 years prior to my last one graduating, I finally said, I can finally leave because in my brain I had this illusion that I had did my job as a mom. I've raised them till they're 18. They're good. They won't go to my ex-husband who was an alcoholic. Like, I'm good. I'm ready to go. I did my job. Check, check, check. And then I met somebody which was just an acquaintance, and she says, you know, it would make my year if you would go to a Tony Robbins event. And I'm like, who? She goes, you know Tony Robbins? He's in shallow hell, whatever. And I'm like, no, can't say I do. And she's like, well, I'm gonna tell you. I volunteer for him, and I've watched many people transform their lives by going to this event. So just to back up, Jane, I had no idea about the world personal development. I, I just didn't even know that word existed. I mean, I've heard of New Age stuff and whatnot, but never the word personal development.

Mm-hmm.

And so she's telling me this on a Sunday in Florida when I was on a mini vacation with a friend. I'm coming back to start a new job that Monday, and I'm telling my boss, I know today's my first day, but I need off in 3 more days just for 4 days. And I was a great salesperson. I said, you know, you want me to build your company? Well, this guy, this guy Tony Robbins, he works with Fortune 500 companies, and whatever I learn, I'll come back and I'll use it on your company. And he's like, okay, where do we sign up? And I said, well, I bought my ticket. I just need a plane ticket. And again, Jane, it was— money was scarce. I was only making $25,000. I'm in the USA, and I was raising 3 boys off that. So to say money was very hard to come by, it was. And but I— there was something inside of me that says, just go, just try it out, see what it's about. So in 2000, October 2007, I was on my way by myself. Never traveled alone in my life except for when I was traveling back from India after boarding school when I was 17.

Oh.

Um, I didn't like to be by myself. I didn't feel safe in the world. And but here I am going to Atlanta by myself, and this girl's promising, I'll give you a place to stay, stay in our hotel, it won't cost you anything. I literally had $20 to eat off of for 4 days. So I'm at the dollar store trying to get little snacks and stuff. Um, back then I smoked cigarettes, so I had to make sure I had my cigarettes, and, um, I was off.

Yeah.

The first day I'm in there, people are jumping up and down saying yes. And I'm looking at all these people, I'm like, are these people trained monkeys? Like, why are they just saying yes?

Right. Yeah, yeah, right.

And like the, the loud music. And it's not just a— I'm thinking I'm going to a seminar, like a training like I've had in mental health, because I have a degree in psychology, I have over 100 hours in mental health certifications. Like, I, I, I'm a trained mental health qualified professional. So I'm thinking I'm gonna go and take notes and listen to what this guy says and see how it, it stays with me.

And you walk into a firewalk and—

Right.

People jumping.

Like, when they told me you have to sign this because you're gonna walk on fire, and I said, my mom's a lawyer. You— I'm gonna burn my feet off and you just don't want me to sue you. Like, literally, that was my thought back then. So I'm walking here and I'm like, I'm not gonna firewalk. Like, I am not fire— I'm not burning my— I like my feet too much. I'm not going to firewalk.

Yeah.

So fast forward, I did the firewalk. I went through this process called the Dickens. And in that process, he takes us through what we need in our life is that leverage to change. Because we change for 2 reasons. We're either going towards the positive or trying to escape the negative, right? And so he takes you to the most excruciating pain points in your life where he's asking you, If your life is like this 5 years from now, where will you be? And I'm thinking, I'm gonna be taking my kid to college. And he's gonna be like, why are you with me? You were never with me. So why do you wanna be with me now? I want grandma to come. And then 5 years later, it's my second kid. I'm like, oh my gosh, the same thing. Like, I'm not a good mom. I've, I, I've been out, um, at parties and drinking. And I mean, I still showed up for my kids. I still went to their practices. I still went to everything. But I was in survival mode. I was not in guiding mode.

And you'd already checked out, right? You'd already written in your journal. I've only got 10 years. So you were just in posting mode to make sure that they were safe until you could hand them off to the, the world.

Correct. Wow. Correct. And I made them independent like I was because I'm a latchkey kid. So I was born in Gen X time. So I was raised independently. So you— what we have been taught in parenting is you do what worked for you, but do it better. So teaching my kids to do chores, teaching my kids that, hey, I gotta work.

You got—

you're on your own for dinner. You're okay. Making sure, just calling in, did you get your homework done? Just like my mom did, you know. And I was raising them, and I did have some support that my kids— and still, they're like their grandparents. They kind of adopted us when we got to North Carolina. And God bless them because I could be who I am today because they did help me and my children.

Yeah.

And I will always sing their their praises about that. And so with that, I came back and Tony said one thing. Well, he said a couple things, but 2 things I got is, this is your story, you get to choose how you want it to end.

Mm-hmm.

And the second thing is, nothing has a meaning but the meaning you give it. So what meaning do you want on your life? Do you want the victim meaning, like, oh, poor me, I was bullied my entire life, which that's where my Bullyproof Life movement came, that, that book I, I helped author, it was all about poor me, my skin color. You know, I was raised this way. Nobody liked me. Oh, poor me. That was my story.

Yep.

But in that story, I found my strength. I found connection. It— I found those needs that I needed to be met through that story. And all of a sudden, I'm like, but what if I did write a new story? He said I could write my story. What if my story meant You lived. So before I left UPW, Unleash the Power Within, in October 2007, I made a commitment to myself that I will choose life. I will not play God. I will choose life. And I tell people, that is the most honest, scariest decision I made in my life because I said, I don't know what it's gonna look like, but I'm gonna do it. And however it turns out is the way I'm gonna write it. And from that—

sorry, go on.

I was saying just from that point on, that was the sliding door I walked through.

Yeah, it's interesting because that awareness piece, be it, you know, the process you went through at the Tony Robbins event or, you know, listening to a podcast and going, maybe that could be me. There's a lot of challenges and obstacles. Like, you go away for 4 days and you come back as a new person. Did you find you children, your family, your friends? Like, are they— what Kool-Aid are you drinking? Like, was there obstacles to you choosing life?

100%. Everybody thought, again, the Kool-Aid, right? That was like one of the things. Or what cult did she— because now I'm volunteering to go. I, I signed up for his master university. Here's $10,000. I'll put it on credit. I was $90,000 now in debt, you know. But hey, I can make the minimum payments. I can make my bills. I have my parents, my, my kids' grandparents that will watch them.

I'm volunteering.

I'm going all over. People are like, what are you doing? My mom in Idaho was like, you're in a cult. Like, what are you doing? And I'm like, no, but I'm not. I quit drinking, I quit smoking, I changed the people I hung out with. You are who you hang out with.

Yeah.

So instead of going out to the bars every night, I stopped. And I started to— back then we didn't have like Facebook was just coming on. We didn't have chats, we didn't have Skype, we didn't have any of that yet. But I would get on the phone on a Friday night with one of the people I met at a Tony Robbins, and we would just talk about how life is changing and how we're doing things positive and what can we do if we want something better what are the choices that we have to make? And everything was a choice. So I did all of Tony's stuff the first year. In 2008, I was done with all of Master University, and I was hungry. It made me hungry for life. So before, I was hungry for death. Now I was hungry to live. Yeah. And I could not get enough. I did— and I got certified in NLP. I got certified as a professional speaker. I was getting all these certifications. But here's the thing. And all my mentors that know me can tell you this, that one of the reasons why I was their favorite student is because I didn't just come and become a seminar junkie. I used what I learned even to up now. Like, you and I have met through William White Cloud's platform.

Absolutely.

Again, surround yourself with who you, who, who you wanna be. And so that's what we do. We create these friendships, these relationships, right? But here's the difference of William's. I haven't met anyone yet to even do his basic CYD to where you and I have been certified through him to not utilize what we have learned.

Yeah.

We know there's a set A and a set B. And I used to say, oh my God, I wish I found William before I found Tony. And here's the reality. If that sliding door didn't present itself, I would never walk through it.

Yeah.

And I would never have been ready. Like, Tony was training me to get ready for what William— because what William teaches you is mind-blowing.

Yeah.

It's like, you gotta digest it. And so it prepared me to be who I am today and to really, again, digest and utilize and take massive action in changing my life. People say even now, like, when they saw that big change in me after Tony, 3 years ago, they're like, okay, you're a different person again. But 3 years ago, I walked in through another sliding glass door.

Yep.

Called William White Cloud. Right. And to me, it's leveling up to figuring out what is our true purpose.

Yeah.

And I realized after doing Tony's work for so long, and after I was realizing that I was parenting my kids through my wounds, I was parenting my kids through a generational parenting that's been passed on for generations and generations. And I'm like, what if I needed to break that? What if God has put me on this earth to realize my true purpose is to break that generational gap in the way that we parent? And that literally shifted me. And I kind of got that validation when I realized that is my own true purpose. and my nature. And I realized that that is my North Star. Like, this is what I'm here to do. And that is why I have walked the trenches of suicidal, self-harming, self-loathing, so I could help these kids to break free of it too and teach parents—

Mhmm.

How to elevate their children to seeing themselves and feeling accepted by their own selves so they can feel accepted by the world.

Now, a quick word from our sponsor, Your Success Club. Your Success Club is a group of vibrant abundance seekers. If you subscribe to exitthematrix.io, we are going to drop you into the club room, which has lots of goodies, resources, and a free gift just for subscribing. Now back to the podcast. It's, it's interesting because, you know, your sliding door moment, you know, you've gone from Choosing death to choosing life. And then the next moment, you've gone from choosing life to choosing a fulfilled life that not just fulfills you and is one of purpose for yourself, but one allows you to take all of your experiences and actually pull it together to assist others to live their full purpose. And what I love about that is that, first of all, there's that, you know, call it the awakening or the realization or the eyes opening that says, actually, I have a choice. And a lot of people, they're in that part in their life where they feel that they're on the wheel and they don't know how to get off. And really, it's kind of looking back to your past experiences and going, well, what has made this illusion of my reality where it is today? And as you say, a lot of it goes back to the childhood experiences, those experiences of the latchkey kid, the experiences of this is how I'm going to be. But what I love about that is you've taken it and gone, well, in actual fact, if I could help parents and kids change their kids' situation and experiences and giving them this confidence of knowing they're enough, how is society going to change? Like, that to me is just extraordinary. And you shared with me previously, you know, some of the work that you do. And obviously you've got the TV show and the podcast where people can listen to you, but People fly you in, like you're over in America, you flew to where I am in Melbourne and spent 4 days in a family where a father, a single father, you know, with a situation. Like, explain to me those type of situations where you go into families and help them and what you see and, you know, how you can actually elevate their, you know, relationship with each other.

Yeah. So one of the things that I love is that there's situations that you just can't make up these stories if you— in your wildest dreams. And I literally met somebody at a Tony Robbins event back in, I think, in 2014 or '15. I'm in North Carolina, they're in Georgia, a different state here. And they had these huge challenges with one of their daughters. Like, they're looking for behavioral schools, military schools. Like, they're like, she just does not fit in this family, and we love her, and we don't know how to help her. My wife is upset. I'm upset. And I'm like, oh, I can help you. And I don't know why I knew I could help them. There was just something in me, like, I got their daughter. Like, I understood what she was going through.

Mhmm.

She wanted to be seen. She wanted to be heard. She wanted to know that she had a voice and people weren't gonna tell her how she feels. And I'd been there. And they're like, well, but you live in North Carolina. I said, that's okay. I said, just fly me in for 4 days. And they're like, really? How much would that cost? And back then, being that I never did it before and I was creating it on the fly, it was very inexpensive, I would say.

And, and you're living with them?

Like, I lived— I moved in their house for 4 days. I just met them at a TR event. And then next thing you know, next month, they're flying me from North Carolina to Georgia. I'm living— they're picking me up at the airport. I'm moving in and I am creating this. And we had such success. I'm like, I gotta name this. I gotta name this. So I call it the In-Home Turnaround.

Yeah.

I move in your home and we turn it around in 4 days. And I have created— and it's gotten better and better over the years, of course, because the more practice we get, the better it gets, the better results we get. But the first day, it's all about observation. Like, I need to figure out What is your norm? What— where is— where's the gap, you know, between the communication between the husband and wife, the kids and the siblings and all of that? And then day 2, I'm in charge. So I'm getting them up for school, and the parents get to watch me.

She—

they get to watch how the kids react to the way I guide them, the conversations I have, what language am I using.

Mhmm.

And then on day 3, the parents are back in charge, but I'm coaching them. So a child's having a fit, and I said, you know, This is our time to walk away. They're so escalated when their behavior is high. They're, they're not thinking, they're not processing. All they're gonna do is defend themselves.

Mhmm.

So we're not gonna get anywhere. Because even if you wanna tell them you love them, they're gonna defend why you don't.

Yeah.

So let's walk away. Let's give them time to come back down. And then we will create a different type of discussion where we're not gonna make triggers. To escalate the behavior again. They're like, oh my God, this is amazing. And then on day 4, I'm that fly on the wall because now I need the kids to know this is the new norm. You don't— it's not because Miss V's in the house, like, I'm leaving. I need to know, I need to watch that you know how to interject when you're supposed to. I need to know you know how to walk away. I need to know that you know how to engage with your kid again. So the behaviors stay mellow and we could create a better communicative. So we're creating an open, safe, and trusting space in those 4 days. And then I coach them for a period long afterwards. And then I come back for 2 days just to do a follow-up to, like, I call it to level up.

Yeah.

And see where we're at. Let's celebrate where we've come from. Let's talk about the next challenges and let's just keep this going. So it's very successful. When the parents know they have to do the work. There's 2 things I ask my clients. Are you willing to invest whatever it takes in your time? And are you willing to invest whatever monetary you need to, to make these changes? If the answer is a yes, yes, then I'm your person.

It, it's interesting with that. I mean, I gather the girl never went to military school after that.

She didn't. And actually, she was at boarding school when she came home for the holidays. Wow. So I came in January because she was only home for another 2 weeks. They never sent her back. They canceled her enrollment.

Goosebumps again. Yeah, it's funny. I mean, I'm thinking of so many parallels here. I've just got a new puppy in my family, and it's 10 weeks old, and it's like having a baby. But it's also like— so this new puppy is like having a baby, and it's also like having a toddler. Like, when it's asleep, it's like, great, but it cries through the night, and then it's a toddler and it's tearing around. So it's just Interesting. But from the age of 10 weeks to 20 weeks is actually, you know, the puppy stage. And it's the equivalent of a child going from 3 to 13. And the learning is so impressionable there. And it's interesting, we had a dog trainer in to give us like week 1, what to do, how to do it, how to train it. And they're essentially saying how you want the relationship for the next 15 years, which in dog years is like an extra 50 years, right? In the next 15 years is defined in this next 10 weeks. That teen at that childhood stage. And so the parallels of what you're saying, I'm sitting here going, whoa, isn't this interesting? If only I knew this when I was parenting my 16-year-old son. And the other thing is I recently had been working with a neuroscientist. And as we've mentioned previously, the stories you tell yourself, as soon as you get some information, the amygdala goes into action. sends out some cortisol, gets everything under control. 3 seconds later, the prefrontal cortex tells the story. Similarly, when you have that cortisol, that heightened experience that you were just talking about where there's a stress and you're saying to the child, to the parents, you've got to walk away here, you cannot reason with that. It's interesting because it is literal. You cannot actually engage the prefrontal cortex when you're in a high state of cortisol or high state of stress. So that walk away and let's come back and revisit that later is just such profound information biologically and from psychology because it is how we are. But as parents, we're always trying to teach and we're like, don't you walk away from me. And so just these observations that you're mentioning are golden nuggets for me as a parent, and I'm hoping for other parents or parents of new puppies. But yeah, it's interesting how the psychology and the biology actually reflect each other.

Right. And it's interesting because a lot of it, like, I don't know all the science. I'm being honest. Science was never my— I mean, I know I'm psychology major, but it was the way the brain worked. And I didn't think about the chemical reactions. I just looked at behavior because behavior is a language.

Yeah.

When your kid is escalated and they have that what we call the attitude voice, I look at it and like, they're defensive. They feel like they have defense. Even my— like, I have Twins. So I have 6 kids from the age of 30 to 12. They're turning 12 this Saturday. And I listened to their tonality, how it's changed since they were 10. And I said to them, I said, you don't need to defend anything right now. I'm not blaming you. It's if you listen, I'm asking you a question. I'm being curious.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Literally, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That gives her a minute to think about, well, what are you asking? And I said, exactly. Your brain is already formulating how you need to defend.

Yep.

To prove you're right and I'm wrong. And I'm not even blaming. I'm literally asking you, is it possible that I did say this, you didn't hear me, and I've said it 3 times, and the thing is still sitting here on the couch?

Yeah.

Well, yeah, that's possible. Okay. So what do we need to do for you to get that picked up? Because I don't wanna say another time that this needs to be picked up because if it does, I'm gonna keep it. Oh, no.

No.

No. I'm getting it now. Yeah. So versus I told you 3 times, you didn't pick it up. So I'm telling— no, you didn't tell me 3 times. And then all of a sudden, we get into a battle.

You always do this. This is how you always act.

No.

No. And you get into this whole history conversation.

Absolutely. So my favorite saying to families is be curious, not critical.

Yeah. Perfect.

That's literally one of my premise. You know, when we talk about theme and premise, and that's one of my premises is be curious, not critical. Because when we do that, it doesn't matter what age your child's at. You're allowing them to know I'm an ally. I'm not the enemy. I want to work with you. I want you to see how things can be better and more organized. When I— my daughter's room, I, I'm sure you've gone through this with your boy. Keeping kids' rooms is a job in itself.

Yep.

And I have taken everything down into the middle like my mom used to. I made her clean it up. I cleaned it up with her because I tell my families, I'm like, clean it up with them. It's quality time. They feel accomplished because they did it, and they actually know what your definition of clean looks like. I've done that with her. Nothing seemed to work. So finally I'm like, you know, it's her space. She's gonna be 12, and she's now at the age where a lot of friends come over and play. And if this is how she wants it to be, so be it. I'll just keep the door closed. So I told her, I said, you know what, sweetheart? Do me a favor. Go into your room, sit on your bed, set a timer for 3 minutes, and just look around. And I want you to tell me, how does it feel? You can tell me it felt great to have that mess. It felt so good. You can tell me it really was a great way to express yourself and you liked it. You could tell me you don't like it. There's no wrong or right answer. And she came back and she says, so what I felt was embarrassed. I said, oh, embarrassed? She says, I imagined a friend was coming over to stay the night and she just showed up. I would have been humiliated if she saw my room. I said, interesting. I said, so does that feel good? Does that feel good in your body? And she goes, it doesn't. And I said, so what do you need to do? What does it need to look like so you didn't feel that way? What would you wanna feel instead?

Yeah.

She goes, well, I wanna feel proud. I wanna feel excited. She literally went 5 minutes later and did it. I didn't have to ask her. And she literally— all I have to say is like, so if your friend was getting dropped off right now, is your room good? And she goes, oh, it's gonna be okay.

Yeah.

It's the minute we get out of the blame and shame, and that's in my, my book that I wrote, right? That's the first chapter. Don't blame and shame your kids. It's, that's the same thing. If they're not feeling blamed or shamed, they have nothing to feel defensive about. They don't need to do anything to gain our love. It's not conditioned.

Mhmm.

And guess what? Kids feel love is conditioned. Go back to your childhood. I felt love was conditioned. I had to be a certain way. Because when we made our parents proud, that meant they loved us. And so we have to rewire that. And this is all that I'm talking about is how do we break that generations of parenting?

Well, for people who want to know how to break that generational parenting problems that we have all taken on and maybe not even been consciously aware of, I encourage you to go to the show notes because Venu has generously added her ebook, which is all around teaching your children that they are enough. So I encourage you to go down and Click that link. Um, just for fun, as we wrap up here, question I ask everyone— what, for fun, what's a bizarre or unusual thing that people don't know about you that you could share?

Oh gosh, you know, you asked me that and I had to think about it, and I totally— I'm like, I'm such an open book. Oh, I know. Um, I ride motorcycles. So I had a street bike. A lot of people like, oh, a Harley, and it's not my— I always like the street bikes, the racer bikes. And I used to own 2, uh, GSX-R600s, and I open it up on the road. And yeah, people do not know that about a biker.

You love that freedom.

I do.

Well, look, I really appreciate you sharing all of your goodness, all of the nuggets, and that is sliding door moments that you've experienced in your life. As you mentioned, one of the things is around surrounding yourself or being inspired by people that are actually your type of people. And we had the pleasure of meeting through As you mentioned, our coach, you know, and for people who are trying to live a life fully expressed and to the ultimate of what they want to have in the contribution they want to make in the world and how they want to play, it just makes sense to get a coach, right? So, well, we coach with William Whitecloud. I encourage you, like every top athlete, to get yourself a coach because, you know, it's really important for you to actually live your full life as well, which is, you know, and hang out with people who are going to inspire you. And yeah, I Really appreciate the vulnerability of you sharing your story, you know, and appreciate you being here. And for everyone who is here and part of Exit the Matrix podcast, I encourage you to go and like this episode, give us a 5-star review, hack that algorithm, get outside the matrix, let other people see this, leave a review. I think you go to Apple Podcasts, sign in, leave a review there, let people know about the podcast, share it with your friends because sharing is caring. And if you go to exitthematrix.com, matrix.io and you subscribe so you get information about the next guest, I'm also gonna send you a free gift. So make sure you do that. And as always, here is to your success. Thanks for listening and thanks, Manu, for being such a great guest. Bye for now.

Thank you for listening to Exit the Matrix Stories of Success. Make sure you subscribe to future episodes at www.exitthematrix.io. Until next time, here's to your success.