In this solo coaching video, Mary (recorded in Barcelona) introduces a simple mindset tool she calls the “when‑and‑then” pattern. She explains that many people habitually attach a prerequisite condition (“when”) to a desired outcome (“then”), treating the condition as a necessary prerequisite for stability before they can act. Mary shows that these conditional equations are self‑created and not real. By consciously noticing these patterns, laughing at them without self‑judgment, and then flipping the statement—making the desired action the “when” and the condition the “then”—people can break the waiting loop and start taking action immediately. She illustrates the technique with several personal examples (money before moving to Paris, professional stability before writing, income before investing in YouTube) and demonstrates how reversing the order changes perspective and can generate momentum. She invites viewers to try the flip, observe the results, and share them in the comments.
Chapters
Hello, bonjour, it's Mary in Paris, but not in Paris, in Barcelona. And I wanted to share something with you today that has been super helpful to many of my coaching clients over the years. So my hope is that it will be helpful to you too. If you are finding yourself stuck in a revolving door, when it comes to making progress on a goal or a dream or aspiration, and you're wondering what might be kind of stopping you, this might really be helpful. So I call it the when and then, and it's pretty simple. Most of us have some version of the when and then going on all the time. When I have blank, blank, blank, then I will blank, blank, blank. Usually the first part, the when part, is pointing towards something that we think is related to stability. I have another video on the topic of stability. I will link to it in the description. But that when part usually indicates that we need some kind of situation to exist that feels safe and stable and secure. So it might be something like, when I have X amount of money in the blank, or when I reach a certain age, then I will blank. Okay, so that first part is usually related to something that looks like a prerequisite in terms of stability. The then part usually is what we really want to be doing in life. And I can relate to this so much because This is how I used to look at things. I used to look at things from this angle of when I have X amount of money in the bank, and then I will be able to move to Paris, or then I will be able to travel, and then I will be able to pursue my writing, whatever it is. And when I just threw that out the window in a way that I'll show you in a second, it was so obvious to me that I had been totally making that up, that those kinds of relationships between things don't exist. It's just not real. So there's no scenario in which you have to have the when part in order to have the then part. What's also interesting, and this is what my clients have loved— sorry, there's a little construction going on across the way here— is when you flip it around. So let's say that I was thinking something like, 'When I have $50,000 in the bank, then I will be able to move to Paris and establish a new life for myself.' Well, if I flipped that around and said, 'When I move to Paris and establish a new life for myself, then I will have $50,000 saved up in the bank,' that's interesting, right? Or, you know, whatever your 'when' and 'then' statement is, flip it around the other way? When I— let's see, let me think of another one. When I have reached a certain level of professional stability, what meaning? Not just money, but, you know, I'm seen in a certain way in my profession, then I can pursue my love of writing. Well, what if it's the opposite? When I pursue my love of writing, then I will achieve the level of professionalism that I crave. When I first started to notice this, I was really surprised at how often I was placing conditions upon things that I wanted to pursue. I was saying that all of these ducks needed to line up in a row before I could do the thing that I wanted to do. And let me be clear, I haven't sort of gotten over this. I still notice it from time to time. In fact, I noticed it just in the last few months as I'm recording this, that I had some idea about when it was going to be okay for me to pursue my goals here on YouTube. And I had set up these conditions like, when I am making a certain amount from my coaching clients, then I will invest more time in YouTube. You know, whatever it was, there were several like that. And I was like, wait a second, I don't need to wait for anything to start to invest my time and energy in YouTube. I can do that now. And then What if the rest comes more easily after that? So if you are stuck in one of these when and then things, or several, as I have been, do two things. First of all, notice that you're doing it. That's the first thing. And kind of laugh at it. This isn't about judgment. We don't go near any self-judgment around here. That's not part of the equation. Just notice it and kind of have a good laugh. And then flip it around and see what happens if you flip the "then" to the "when" and the "when" to the "then." What does that do to your whole outlook? In the past, I might have said, you know, "When I have taken more classes and I feel more secure." secure as a fiction writer, then I will work on my novel. But what if I flipped it around and said, when I work on my novel, then I will feel more confident in taking fiction writing classes? I mean, that's a simple example, but you can start to see that we have just totally made up these equations, these consequences, that things don't have to go in the order that we necessarily think they do. Because it's all made up. There's nothing real about that. It's simply a thought that we've had, and then we sort of listen to that thought over and over and over again and started to think it's true. But it's not true. It's not true. We have so much more capability and possibility in us that is not reflected in those when and then scenarios. So give that a try and let me know what happens for you in the comments.
