You Have Permission ... to say NO (talk 2 of 4)

Hi everybody, it's Mary Shiller here with you. I am an author and coach, and in fact, I'm the author of a book titled You Have Permission. You can find me online at maryshiller.com, and I want to welcome you to the second in a series of 4 talks that I'm giving over the next few days called You Have Permission. So if you are attending live, I'd really appreciate it if you could type me a note in the chat letting me know that you can hear and see me okay. Uh, oh, you looked for it, Peter, and couldn't find it. Um, Peter was asking about a particular video. Uh, I can try to find it. I'm— I haven't looked at it since, uh, then. That was about 4 years ago now, but I might be able to find it. You never know. So just let me know, can you guys hear and see me all right? Let me know by typing a yes. Hi Clifford, thanks for joining. Okay, cool, thanks Robin, thanks Peter. And I'm sure we have an international group with us tonight as we did yesterday. Hi Diana, thanks for joining. Hi Elisabetta, nice to see you again. I see some familiar names from the first session that we did yesterday. Hi Sarah. Oh, how nice, so many, how pretty. So I really want to thank you for joining live, and if you're watching this on the replay, I really appreciate you enjoying the replay as well. Hi, Rosa. Hi, Doug. Good to see you. Hi, Jesus. I don't know how to pronounce your first name, Jesus, so I'm calling you Jesus. I hope that's okay. So I'm really thrilled to be back with you for the second talk. The first one Yesterday we talked a lot about how to allow ourselves to have permission to say yes to things. Hi, Just Paul. We talked about the fact that many of us have something— hi, Mimi— has something calling to us. Maybe it's been calling to us. Hi, Marina. Oh yes, there is a replay of the first talk. I answered your question in the question area. It's on the same page, actually. If you go to the upper left corner after this is over, you'll see it says schedule up there and you just click on session 1 and you'll see the replay. So everything is housed on this one page, which makes this platform really easy to use, I think, because everything's right here. So, uh, hi Sue, thanks for joining. So yesterday, uh, great. So yesterday we talked a lot about the fact that we all have these dreams, these desires, these callings of the heart, maybe several of them. And we hesitate to say yes to them for all kinds of reasons. Hi, Mia. And we really talked about the fact that we actually do have permission to say yes to those things, that there's nothing standing in our way even when it looks like there is. And there was something that I didn't talk about last night that I would really like to talk about before we get started with the topic of this conversation, was which is permission to say no. And it occurred to me today as I was walking around this morning that I didn't really go into something that I think is ultimately so key in this whole conversation, but it's particularly— excuse me— it's particularly true in that whole idea that we have permission to say yes to something that's calling to us. Hi, Terry, thanks for being here. And that is this, that those desires that we have, those things that are tugging at our heart or tapping us on the shoulder or maybe knocking hard against our heads saying, say yes to me, say yes to me. Those things, whatever they look like to you, those nudges, however they kind of appear for you, are there for a reason. They're there for a reason. And I've really spent a lot of time over the last few years looking at why those things exist. Why do we have dreams and desires? Why do we have something that we're inspired to do? Why does that even exist? And then the second question is, why is it important to listen to those things and answer them? And it seems to me— now this is just me— but it seems to me that those, uh, callings of the heart, uh, and I'm using that very lightly, not in a heavy way like your life purpose and all that, we talked about that in the first one, it's, it's not heavy, but it seems to me that those callings of the heart are there because when we answer them, we are living more and more from what we actually are, from the truth of who we are, uh, from this innate beauty, this innate creativity, this limitlessness. Oh, am I off screen? Oh dear, I hope not. Am I still— am I still on? Please tell me. I'll pause for a second. Can somebody let me know? Oh, okay, thank you. So when we have these, it seems to me that we are— great, Doug, thanks— that we are living more and more from our true selves. And when we are able to do that more of the time, kind of more consciously, it really— thanks, Cliff, thanks, Sarah— it really allows us— I mentioned this, thanks, Lisa— that all boats rise with the tide. That it's a way for us to feel in a much deeper way the connection that exists among all of us. So for instance, um, when I'm around somebody who is really excited about life and who has been, you know, following their intuition and living by inspiration, I kind of naturally feel more buoyant when I'm around them. Let me know if that rings true for you. You know, when you're— when you interact with somebody like that, or even if you see someone on a video or something, doesn't that kind of lift you up when you see someone who is really excited about life and feels very connected to what's calling to them? It really seems to stir something in me of a feeling of hopefulness and a feeling of lightness and brightness. Clifford says absolutely that suddenly all the things that we're kind of confronted with— oh good, a bunch of you. Yeah. Oh, thanks, Mimi. You know, suddenly when we're confronted with things in the world that look very dire and and difficult, when we can go more towards this lightness both in ourselves and in other people, those things that look so difficult and challenging start to look like they're not so difficult and challenging, like there are solutions to these things that are sitting here and waiting for us to explore and act on. And so that's another reason why I feel so strongly about encouraging you to listen to yourself, to not just listen but then act on what's calling to you. Because it's not just about— and this is a key point— it's not just about, oh, you know, Mary wants to have a nicer life, you know, she wants to have more fun and she wants to do this. It's not just about that. I mean, that's all cool. For me, it's a lot bigger than that. It's looking at the whole picture It's looking at you, it's looking at me, it's looking at my neighbor, it's looking at people across the world and seeing, you know, if I can live more from this part of myself, from my bigger self, if you will, then that has an effect on everybody else. It simply can't not do that. So I really wanted to bring that point home because I felt like I didn't make that strongly enough in the first session. So with that, I'm going to take a quick look at the poll. We have a few votes here. I said, how often do you say yes to something when you'd really rather say no? One person said a lot of the time, 8 people said sometimes, and no votes for almost never. They say no quite frequently. So I will put the question to the people who are attending live here. Thank you. So have you, do you catch yourself, do you catch yourself saying yes to something when you'd really rather say no? And it's totally okay to admit this. That's kind of the point of this talk. I'm raising my hand here because I still do this occasionally. I do it, just, Paul says yes. Jody says yes. I don't do it as often as I used to, but I still do occasionally. Although Clifford says yes, although I'm starting to do it. Marina says sometimes less than before. I think that's kind of where I am, where I do it infrequently. Linda says less and less. That's kind of where I'm at too. It's like that habitual behavior is starting to fade much more. And I've noticed that that it's getting easier to say no. So that's kind of good. And especially, you know, I spent some time when I was writing the book, You Have Permission, thinking about how I used to live my life. And if you've read the book, you'll notice that I talk about this quite a bit. Lisa says, definitely, it leads to feeling burned out. The older I get, the more brave I feel about saying no. That is kind of one advantage of getting older, Lisa, is that it seems like society gives us more permission to say no to things as we get older. So that's kind of a plus of being, oh, let's say over 40 or maybe over 50. Uh, but yeah, that's a good point. You know, when I was younger, I really had no sense at all that I could say no. Marina says it's all about self-care. I can see that, but I also see it a little bit bigger than that as well, where I had the sense, for example, that even if something clearly, clearly, obviously was not working, like it just wasn't working, I felt like I had to stick with it till the bitter end and try to whatever it was to force the situation over the finish line. Can anybody here relate to that? Where you almost have this sense like, I just can't quit. I can't quit. I can't give up. I can't give up because that'll look bad. Or, you know, that's not what I'm supposed to do. I'm not supposed to quit. I'm not supposed to give up on things. I'm not supposed to give up on a relationship or whatever it is. Definitely. Lisa says, Marina says yes. In my case, I could definitely see this in relation to this job that I was in for a long time that I really was not suited for and was not suited to me. And yet I stayed in it doggedly trying to make it work somehow because, I don't know, I thought I needed the income from it. I'm not even sure anymore. That's what I kind of remember about it. And I know that I got into this. Mia says, oh yes, yeah, me too. I know that I kind of got into this habit from things that I was taught growing up, and I— and these were not bad things, but I think I sort of took them to the extreme. You know, my mother, whom I loved so much and still do even though she's been gone for a very long time now— she passed away in 1992— she was a stickler for finishing things, for not leaving something unfinished. And no matter what the project was, she would finish it. And so I did that too. Like, even something— okay, here's something I want you to tell me. Do you ever start a book and really hate it, but you feel like since you've started it, you got to finish it even if you don't like it? I just recently, and I mean recently, like within the last year, finally said, no, I'm not going to read, finish reading a book if I'm not enjoying it. And that is really new to me to actually do that. For some reason, I felt like if I started a book, I had to finish it. And just a few weeks ago, I had started a book that was wildly popular with people, and I got about a third of the way through it and just went, oh no, I just can't go on. I just can't. And that was new. I just said, no, can't do it. Uh, Ali says, yes, movies too, until I realized I'd always— I had already wasted the money, so why waste the time too? Uh, Gail, I used to, not anymore. It's the same with movies. Diane, I stopped doing that. If I don't like it, don't read it. But isn't it funny that even with something as relatively small as that that it takes us a while to kind of wake up to the fact that we can go, no, I don't want to keep going with this. I'm not enjoying this experience I'm having in this particular book or movie or whatever it is, TV, you know, anything even just small like that. And we can finally kind of wake up and go, hey, I don't have to finish this. Like, nobody's telling me that I have to. I can just say no. Done. Gail, it was incredible to realize that I could stop. I know, I really had to laugh at myself. If I told you the book, I don't wanna tell you the name because some of you might like it. I don't wanna offend anybody, but I just didn't enjoy it. And my daughter had read the book and she wanted me to see if I liked it 'cause she and I are usually in agreement. And I told her, I said, you know, honey, I couldn't finish it. And she was like, I finished it but wished I hadn't. So it was just funny. So that's a small example of something that I realized I could say no to and just stop doing with my parents' influence. My mom, like I said, was a stickler for finishing things. My dad, who I worked for when I was young, he had his own company. And so I started working for him when I was like 13, 12 or 13, and worked on and off for his company through high school. So until I was about 17, 18. And, you know, he was the kind of person who— he was very kind, but it was like, you know, finish the job and then some, like go way past where you think the job is finished. And so I kind of grew up, I think, with this notion that, uh, I couldn't like quit at any point, that I had to just sort of power through things. And, um, yeah, and so that was sort of the, the world in my head, at least. Um, you know, even— and this is a lot bigger than a book or a film, but, you know, some of you who know me know that my first marriage was incredibly abusive. And, you know, there's all kinds of things that go on when, when you find yourself in that kind of situation. But I remember even then having a lot of thinking like, well, I can't just quit. You know, I can't just say no to this. I have to figure out what the problem is and try to fix it. And I kept doing that, kept doing that, and kept doing that until I literally almost lost my life, uh, and woke up and kind of went, oh, I guess this is actually really serious. So, you know, it can have a full range here, uh, and then more recently You've heard me tell this story before, but I'm going to point it out again because this was a very, very significant moment when I, you know, got let go from a job in early 2016, was facing some pretty major financial problems at that time, so the timing couldn't have been worse. And I had these thoughts of, oh my gosh, you know, I should just go try to find another job, or I should go back to being a copywriter or a ghostwriter or things that had paid well in the past. And I just heard this big booming voice in my head that said, no, no, no, no, I don't want to do it. I literally don't want to do it. And I'm going to listen to that voice that is saying no. And that was a big one because, man, money had looked like such a stress point for me for such a long time that saying no to something that looked like it was going to save my financial situation, that was huge. That was absolutely huge. So what I'd like to ask you guys is, have you said no to something or to someone or in some context where you kind of surprised yourself, where you were just like, wow, yeah, I'm just going to say no to that because that isn't what I want to do. It's, it's just not right. And if you'd like to share a detail or two in your, in your response, that would be great because I think these are very instructive moments. They're very, very instructive because you know why? They're also part of this process of listening to our true selves. And when we hear that big no, we don't have to question it necessarily. We can just go, wow, okay, there's something in my gut that's saying that's not right. Uh, hi Trevor. Yes, I walked away from my job of 37 years on January 1st, 2014. Wow. That's impressive, Trevor. Clearly something had happened within you that you were listening to something that was saying, no, I can't do this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore. I'd love to know what that was like for you. What did you hear within yourself, Trevor? Hi, Jody. Yes, it was a volunteer position. I felt guilty because they really needed my help. You know, I think in those situations too, we can go, well, there are other people who can fill my shoes. And maybe if I am at a point where I really feel it's necessary to move on, that maybe I'm not contributing from my best self here. So it's okay for me to exit and allow somebody new and fresh and who's excited to do this come in. Um, I had another situation many, many, many, many years ago. Gosh, uh, back in like 19— what year was that? Must have been '94, 1994, a long time ago, where, um, I had a job and the boss was incredibly abusive. And one day I had just had it. I had complained and, and tried to bring attention to it. Nobody listened to me, and I just walked off the job. I literally just walked off the job. I just said, can't do this anymore. I wrote my letter of resignation, put it on the desk, and left. And it was really crazy because I was a single mom at the time. I was living literally at the poverty level, even with the job I had. I had no prospects whatsoever, but I knew that I just had to say no to that. There had to be something else. And that was a pretty big moment for me too. I remember that very distinctly. I went into a total panic, of course, afterwards, thinking, oh my gosh, what have I just done? You know, I've now put my daughter's well-being at risk and I have no prospects for any other work. You know, what am I going to do? It eventually did sort itself out, but you know, that was a moment where it was just so obvious that I couldn't stay. Uh, oh, let's see. Uh, let's see. Uh, Marina, I left a steady job teaching during the war in Bosnia, went translating with journalists in the war zone, working as a fixer. Wow, that sounds amazing. Um, what a thing to go into, Marina. Uh, wow. Mimi, I said no to a boyfriend who cheated on me before I would have continued in the relationship. That's a big area, I think, where people tend to continue to not listen to themselves because they have some fears about being alone or whatever, even though our guts are saying No, this is wrong for me. So it's helpful to listen to those— to the no. Uh, Lynn, after teaching for 34 years, I was burnt out and had just lost my husband. I'm sorry. I decided that life was short. I had to do what I want to do. Yeah, I can relate to that. Not the, the first part, but definitely the second part, that you start to see that time is limited. You know, it's the one thing that's really there's no more of it when there's no more of it. And I think that when we start to say no to things, we can say yes to more things, if that makes sense. Uh, hi Doug. Uh, yesterday struggling to decide on certain things to do, I had to say no to myself and be compassionate with myself. That is such a great point, Doug. Thanks for mentioning that, because I think that's one thing that has really fallen into the background for me too, is how hard I used to be on myself Like I just mentioned, after I said no and I walked off that job all those years ago when my daughter was about 5 years old, I think at the time, and like I said, I was literally living on the poverty line, had nothing in the way of financial resources in the bank at that time. And man, I gave myself a lot of judgment and guilt and things like that. And was really paying attention to a lot of that thinking. And what I've noticed, especially in the past 2 to 3 years, is that when I said no to something, I don't hear so much of that anymore. That it's more about, okay, obviously there's something that is speaking to you, Mary, that's saying this isn't right for you. So, you know, let's just go forward. So yeah, I love that, Doug. Thanks, Diana. I did say no once in the context of of my family. I was scared that I would get into trouble for that. All my fears came true because that caused a rift between us for some time, so it didn't really enforce the feeling it's good to say no. Yeah, I, you know, I think sometimes, um, we have to have some level of compassion for the people around us too who maybe aren't expecting something like that from us. I think that we've all had some kind of situation like that with either someone in our family or someone we're close to where we've suddenly said, you know, you're crossing a line and can't go there. And sometimes that can happen for a while. I found with myself that really I understand that the person isn't seeing things the way that I am. They're listening to things in their own mind about what's going on. And, uh, if I can continue to look at them with a level of compassion, that's the best chance of mending those kinds of rifts. So thanks for that, Diana. Hi Trevor, mental health nursing. I knew I had to leave. I loved it for the first 20 years, stayed 17 more out of fear that I couldn't make money. Knew I had to write books and help people with my psychotherapy and coaching skills. The politics and the restrictions within the health service were stifling you. Yeah, I think that, um You're not alone there, though, Trevor, in that a lot of people stay with things far longer than really they should because something else is calling to them. And I'm saying this, you know, personally too, we can look at things as having a lot of risk attached to saying no to it. And what I have learned so clearly over the past few years, and also from looking back through the entire spectrum of my life, is that even when it really looked to me like something was at stake, like when I was much younger and trying to raise my daughter and was basically broke, it looked like there was a lot at stake there, but I was okay. My daughter was okay. I was okay. When I kind of regained my composure, I was able to figure out what to do, and I was able to get another job really quickly in a field that was really exciting and interesting for me. I became a journalist, and I met my current husband at that job. So, so, you know, I think that things can look really scary because we can get flooded with all this scary thinking. But it really helps me to remember that fear and all of that isn't anything that I really have to pay attention to. It can feel extremely real, but it's not the reality of what we are and what is really available to us. All of the security we could ever want is innate. It's what we're made of. So thanks for that, Trevor. Uh, hi, Ali. I've left many jobs for ethical or sexism reason, always reasons, always with fear, and sometimes something else and better has always come up. Note to self in current circumstances, you know, it's sometimes hard to remember that though when we're— thanks, Ali— when we're, we're looking at this very familiar movie running through our heads And it looks— I mean, I can relate. It looks like it's on this endless loop, right? I remember the final therapist I saw for post-traumatic stress disorder back in 2011, 2012. While ultimately I didn't find her to be extraordinarily helpful, she did say one thing to me in particular that I remember at that time. I was just having tremendous guilt. I just felt horrible about, um, some things that had happened, not that I had personally done, but anyway, I don't need to go into all the details. But she said, you know, you're on a merry-go-round in your mind, and you're allowed to step off of that. You're allowed to step off the merry-go-round in your mind. You don't have to keep riding that same ride over and over again. And that notion has stayed with me in terms of my having permission to say no. I can also look at old thoughts that keep coming back and go, no, don't really want to listen to those. They can be there because I can't do anything to stop them from showing up. But I don't have to listen. And I found that the less I listen, the less I care about what those merry-go-round type thoughts are, the less they seem to appear, or at least the quieter they are. So they're not really, um, a heavy presence in my life anymore. So I hope that's helpful, Allie. Lisa, for years I've taken a lot of abuse from family members and was always the one to say sorry even when it was never me at fault. Recently my mom was abusive towards my husband and I, and now I feel more confident about not tolerating it. It didn't even retaliate. I walked away. You know, that can be a really challenging situation, Lisa. And I think sometimes saying no simply by, like you say, not causing a confrontation, but just by, by leaving, you know, that can be sort of the simplest, the the least confrontational, because I don't find confrontation all that helpful, way to simply acknowledge that you're saying no, that that's a line that can't be crossed, and that's okay. So thank you for sharing that. One of the other things I've noticed about listening to this no is that it seems to indicate to me that something in me either is changing or has already changed, and I'm kind of just catching up to the fact that it's already changed. You know, human beings, we are no different from anything else in this whole system. We are designed for change and transformation. It's part of our physical makeup. It's certainly part of our mental makeup. Our thoughts change constantly, and, and the way we see things changes constantly. We're constantly having new thoughts, and the way we view the world changes. So it seems to me that when I'm hearing a no in there, it's kind of like, oh, something is shifting, and maybe I ought to pay attention to that and see what it's trying to say to me. For example, over the last few weeks, I have been looking at new ways to run my business, ways that I feel might serve you better and also might serve me more effectively. And even just today, I was going through some things, some ideas that I had of things I could do and there were a couple of things that I'd written down and I just got to them and I said, no, that isn't something that I really want to be doing. I don't think it's effective and it doesn't seem suited to me. Whereas in the past I might have looked at it and thought, well, you know, that's what all the big name coaches are doing. So I think I have to do the same thing, right? In fact, that is what I did in the beginning of my business. I was kind of looking around and and saying, well, I don't really know how to be a coach and have a coaching business, so I think I need to just sort of copy some of the models that I'm seeing. Well, what ended up happening was I was spending a lot of time doing activities as a coach that were not really working all that well from my standpoint or for the, from the client's standpoint. And I started thinking, gosh, maybe I'm just not I'm not cut out to be a coach, you know, this isn't really working. And then I kind of woke up and said, you know, I think I just don't want to do coaching in that way. I can say no to some of the models that I'm seeing in terms of what other coaches are doing, and I can do it my own way. I can come up with some new ways perhaps, or I can adapt some other things that look exciting to me. And that was scary because I had a lot of frightening thinking about, I don't know what I'm doing. If other people are doing this, it must be the right thing, blah, blah, blah. And I just kind of ignored all of that and said, no, I'm not going to go there. Just not going to go there. So can you relate to what I was just talking about, that Sometimes when we have this feeling of no, it seems to indicate that we are on some kind of new trajectory. Some kind of change is taking place, and maybe we're just kind of noticing that, or it's kind of catching up to our consciousness. Let me know if that sounds familiar. Hi, Diana. Yes, we want to follow role models and think it might work for us too because it works for them. I often listen to stuff outside of me because society has made— society has made a blueprint Um, that's a really good way of stating it, Diana, because that word comes up all the time, you know, as if there is some sort of blueprint by which you're supposed to live or create something that you want. And I have found it much simpler, first of all, much easier, much more fun to simply go in these directions of no Not interested in that. Yes, very interested in that. I think I'm going to go over here and really kind of being conscious of the fact that it's totally okay to say no to something, even if it's something like in Trevor's case, for example, that he'd been doing for a long time that seemed like it simply was who he was. I mean, I can relate to that. Thinking, well, I am the kind of person who does this, so I can't say no to it, you know, whatever that might be. It's not so, because we are always in flux. We're always changing. We're always growing, and we're designed to grow and change. To me, the notion that we are supposed to do one thing from the time of, of whenever until we die seems absolutely crazy. And I mean, I suppose there are people who really love whatever it is that they do, but I, I know an awful lot of other people who aren't so crazy about it but don't realize that they can say no and walk away, and that the next thing will become obvious to do. As many of you have said, you know, you said no to something, and like I did, I said no to that job years ago, and not that long afterwards I was able to get another one. So we have this idea that if we say no to something, that there isn't going to be a yes to something following it. And that just hasn't been the case for me. Has that been the case for you, where you've, you've kind of assessed something and said this isn't right, and then a new solution appears? It seems to be the way this system is designed, thankfully. That we never are, are stuck really. It can look like we are, but there's always another solution, another idea coming our way. So, um, so what do you think about that? Does this notion of, um, you know, hearing kind of a no, I don't want to go in that direction, it feels like there's a change engine that's kind of going in the— in those moments. At least that's how it feels for me. It's like No, something's changing. Something's changing. Uh, Ali says, right, like we have to say yes to everything or we're being ungrateful to the universe or some similar nonsense, right? Uh, yeah, like, I, I don't— how can I say this? Uh, I'm very grateful for the fact that, uh, we have an endless stream of ideas, but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to say yes to everything. We can't say yes to everything, or we— I don't know what would happen. It would— life would look very weird, you know. When something starts to look like a no, then it's a no, and we can wait for the next yes to come along and take its place. So yeah, exactly, Ali. Thank you, uh, Diana. But to go your own way is way more scary than following something that's been tested and proved to work because others succeeded with it. And Diana, I know what you're saying there. The thing that I've noticed though is that, um, if we're looking purely in terms of like a business success or whatever, I succeeded way faster when I stopped following what everybody else was doing. And I really defied the odds, if you will, and my business became really profitable really fast the moment I said no to all the stuff that I was modeling and really didn't want to do. And started doing everything that I wanted to do instead. So I kind of fell for that idea myself until I just made the leap and said, I'm just gonna do what I want. And of course, that's a big part of this lesson too, is we're free to do what we want to do and to stop doing stuff that we no longer want to do. So thanks for mentioning that. Ali, I've done this for 6 years and learned to be a good little coach, groan. Yeah. I feel like, you know, we, we have this idea that, uh, and maybe this is especially true of women, I'm not sure, you know, that we're supposed to be the good little girls or, you know, follow the rules and all that stuff. Well, there aren't any real rules except when it comes to being kind to one another, of course, but we're allowed to make up our own rules. And that means we can say no and we can say yes, both, not just one or the other. Uh, Mimi, uh, Mary, listening to you, I realize I don't really have trouble saying no. Oh, good. And the only time I struggle saying no is when I'm afraid I might hurt the other person. Oh, uh, interesting. Um, afraid I might hurt the other person. Uh, I guess, you know, it kind of depends, I guess, on the context of that. Uh, if If it's something that seems like— if it's in a relationship where you really need to be straight with someone, I think it's okay to do it because you never really know what's going to happen. I think I've learned that lesson, is that a lot of times if I have really felt like, you know, I really need to say this to this person and it involves, you know, saying no to something, oftentimes what occurs is totally not what I expect. Like the person's like, oh, okay, it's fine. You know, and I kind of built it up in my head as this big thing. So we never really know what's going to happen because again, we're always responding to our own thoughts, the thoughts that go through our heads, and not necessarily to what the other person is saying. So we can't really predict that, Mimi. Hi, Lynn. Once you have commitments, it isn't always that easy. Oh, that's a biggie. Commitments. Um, yeah, I mean, I think that it helps to realize that they're— well, to use a phrase, I shouldn't say this around my two cats, although the one over here is deaf so she can't hear me say this. You know, there's more than one way to skin a cat, my mother used to say, uh, and she loved animals. I don't know why she used that phrase, but You know, we can look and say, well, I have these financial commitments, therefore I can't say no to this particular job, or I can't say no to this pulling in me that's saying I want to leave this job, or whatever the commitment is. And I think we don't stop to realize for a second that we are these idea machines, that we have an endless resource available to us to help us fulfill any commitment, change any commitment, that we have. So I think if you were to look back at your, your life, you could see areas like that where something looked like you absolutely had to do it, but in actuality you really didn't have to, or you had to do— you could do it in a very different way and it would totally have been okay. So it might be interesting to examine that, Lynn. Hi, Mia. Yes. Now working at a really great place, doing fun things together with nice people, still having a strong feeling it's time for me Next level of me. Oh, well, that's fun. You know, it's nice to kind of be in a place where you know that whatever way you go, you're fine because that's how it always is. It can look really scary to say no to something, even if everybody is saying, you know, you really ought to do that because, you know, XYZ, it's good for your career, it's good for your family, it's good, you know, if your heart in here is going You know, it's okay to listen to that because to me that means that the thing that's a yes is right around the corner or is already here. Um, thanks for that, Mia. Uh, let's see. Hi, Linda. A while ago I heard it said that saying no to what you don't want is actually saying yes to something you do want. Huge revelation that's made it easier to say no. Oh, I like that. Yeah, that's kind of what I was just alluding to, where it seems like the, the thing that is calling to us is kind of saying, hey, I'm still here. You know, you don't have to go over there if you don't want to, because I'm still here. I'm still calling to you, and I've still got a bunch of fun answers for you. You know, that we're— I guess the way it looks to me now is, and this is why, you know, one of my new mottos is follow the fun, because it It looks to me like we never have to not do that. It looks like I can't think of a scenario anymore in which I would ever feel obligated to go towards something that I didn't want, to go towards something that really was a no, or even a somewhat of a no, that if I am not kind of enthusiastically into it, at least at some level, that I can say no and be fine. You know, that's not to say that enthusiasm is always at the same level for something. It goes up and down. But I would rather give myself permission to go towards what looks much more like a yes than to ever look at something and go, well, you know, that's, that's just mediocre, but I'll, I'll just stick with it. It's okay. That is just not good enough for me anymore. It's just not. I, I'm hoping that one of the things that I can start helping people with, including you, if this is where you're finding yourself, is that nothing never ever has to be mediocre. We don't have to go towards mediocre and say, well, that's the best I can do. Because it's not. It's absolutely not. There is so much more to this experience than we can— that we can have that is way, way, way better than mediocre. So if you have an area in your life that is kind of looking that way, it's like, um, you know, I don't really love this, you know, you're free to say, no, I don't want to go in that direction anymore. I'd like to see what else there is for me. And you can go towards, again, what's light and has sort of a breezier feel to it, because that to me is what we're really made of. We're not made of this mediocre stuff. That, that's not truth. Truth is on the side of yes and feeling really good. So, um, does anybody have any particular questions that they would like to ask, um, or any other thoughts that have come to mind since you've been listening. What has really stood out for you so far in this conversation? I'm just going to take a drink. I see someone has asked a question. Oh, thank you, Marina, I appreciate that. Let me check out this question. Ah, Diana has a question. Uh, Diana asked, what about bad things that come from inside, like bad habits? What is your take on saying no to those habitual thoughts? Aren't they more ingrained in our brain's pathways after all, and not like other lighter thoughts that might pass through? Um, thanks for asking that, Diana. It doesn't look that way to me. I don't really see how thoughts can have physical properties. They don't really follow the laws of the physical world. They can't have roots, for example, deep roots. They don't seem like they can be ingrained. And I'll give you a personal example. This is probably the biggest of my life. Was, you know, I had all of this old thinking related to trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. And when I just took a step back from it and said, well, it's thought, everybody has thought. Mine happens to look a certain way, but yours happens to look another way too. So it's not a big deal. I can have those thoughts, and it doesn't really indicate that something's wrong. I don't have to worry about having those thoughts. I can just kind of sit and be with them, and, and they will bring along whatever feeling they bring along. That won't hurt me. You know, feeling is not going to do anything to me. It's uncomfortable, but it's not going to do anything. And that's what I did. I just would wait until those thoughts passed and And that was that. So my kind of habitual reaction to those thoughts stopped really quickly, just within a matter of about 6 weeks. I was no longer exhibiting any of the habits that I had had related to PTSD, because I didn't see the point of responding to a passing thought that wasn't doing anything to me. It wasn't harming me in any way. I could simply sit with it and not worry. And that changed my life. That small— what sounds like a small thing really changed my life. I just kind of said, in the talk, in the context of our conversation, I said, yeah, no, I don't really feel like paying attention to that thought. So I'm going to just wait it out and see what comes next and, you know, see what happens. And every single time, every time, before I knew it, I was not feeling stressed or anxious or whatever it was. And I had it— the thought had moved on, and I was, you know, looking around the subway at what people were reading or whatever. And so I, I don't see it that way. It seems actually quite easy to me to— for habits and things to disappear. And it doesn't take much effort. So let me know if that was helpful, Diana, and thanks for asking that question. Uh, Lisa, it feels like a huge relief that it's okay to say no. I give myself such a hard time historically, uh, about saying no because I thought it used to mean something about me failing in my commitments to life values. I now see it's not true at all. Yeah, it's not true. Uh, it's simply— to me, it's simply a matter of responding to something that we're allowed to listen to. We are allowed to listen to that voice within that is saying, you know, maybe it's time to do something different. Maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to say no to this. So as we said earlier, so that the yes thing can become more apparent. Clifford says he can relate to you, Lisa. Thanks for that, Clifford. What else has stood out for you in this conversation? I'd love to hear, and then I want to just mention one thing before we close out this conversation. Anything else? And Diana, let me know if that answer was helpful to you. It was kind of a quick one, but it was— that was a major thing for me, was realizing that if a thought came in that I didn't really like, I didn't have to worry about it. And I could kind of go, no, I don't really feel like listening to you right now. You can hang out as long as you want, but I'm going to go do something else. Diana, so thank you for your answer. What about all the brain research that says habits are broad path? I don't know about that. And it didn't seem that way to me. That was a very simple process for me. You know, that those were symptoms that I had dealt with by that point for 30 years. So one would look at that and go, you know, as all of the professionals who dealt with me said, she's never going to get over that. Well, it wasn't so hard when I looked at things from this angle. Um, so, Ali, a beautiful reminder about no clearing space for yes. Oh, awesome! I'm so glad to hear that. Uh, so if it's all right with you, I want to, uh draw your attention to something. So let me know if it's okay for me to make this transition into speaking to you just for a couple of minutes about this program that I am offering for the final time. And that's why I'm bringing it up, because I really would like to have some of you there. Oh, thank you so much. Um, thank you. Oh, good, Diane, I'm glad to hear that. Mimi says, um, Oh, you're welcome, Lynn. I guess we don't control the future. So saying no when we want to is okay because whatever happens, we have what we need to deal with it. Exactly. That was so beautifully and succinctly said. Maybe I love that. So I want to bring your attention to a program that I'm offering for the final time. It starts later this month with a 2-day workshop on September 25th and 26th. It's my program called the Three Principles at Warp Speed. Let's get out there and start helping people already. The point of this program is for those of you who know that most of what I do, or everything that I do, is based on something called the Three Principles. And I know for many of you, the Three Principles have been incredibly impactful. This new way of understanding yourself has probably made some big changes happen. Who, who Who can say yes to that, that if you are aware of these 3 principles, who has had some impact? Lynn says yes. I mean, me big time, including the fact that this is now my life's work because I just saw how impactful this was and just decided I have to share this with people. And what I've noticed is that there are a lot of people out there, Clifford says yes, who would love to share this new way of understanding ourselves with people, but they feel a bit hamstrung. And how to do that. They don't necessarily— oh, Gail says, oh yes. They don't necessarily feel confident that they can talk about these principles. Mimi says big yes. All right. They don't know how to talk about these principles, or maybe they feel like the only way to do it is to be a coach, and maybe they don't want to do that. So I wanted to come up with a new way of helping people to express these principles in a way that is comfortable for them. And if they want to, to make that their life's work, at least for the time being, or even just part of what they do. So I'm offering some business support in there as well. So this program consists of a 2-day workshop on Zoom where a small group of no more than 7 people, we meet over 2 days in a, at a good time for everyone's time zone. And the first day we really take a deep dive into these principles examples and look at the changes that we have all experienced, and we simplify them, uh, really to a beautiful essence. Uh, the second day of the workshop, we do a little bit more of that in the beginning, and then we look at how this understanding can help us in practical ways, including, um, setting up a business if that is what you would like to do. But we do look at it in other ways as well. Then we meet once a month for 3 months as a group, and I support each person individually for 6 months, including a one-to-one call. And basically, I'm on call to help you 24/7 for 6 months. So it's a pretty all-inclusive program. So if you have any interest at all in, in sharing these principles more widely with people who could really benefit, which is pretty much everyone on the planet. But if you have a specific group you want to work with or you just aren't sure about that, but you know you want to get it out there, I would really, really love to support you in that. It's, it's very important to me that this message get out to as many people as possible. So that if that's something that you would love to do, I would just love to have you. If you aren't sure if this is something you want to do with me, Please feel free to send me an email with any questions you have, and if you want to have a personal conversation about it, we can send the note to mary@maryschiller.com. The program itself, I tried to price it as, as fairly as I could. Some of these programs that are offered are just very expensive, and I didn't want to do that. So for the whole shebang, it's $3,000 in one lump sum, or you can pay it in two installments of $1,600. And for that, like I said, you basically get me 24/7. For 6 months. So you can rely on me, uh, to ask me any questions you have, and I'll respond within 1 business day by email or video, which a lot of people enjoy, and also with some one-to-one calls as well. So there is a button here that takes you to the program page. Oh, thanks, Rosa. And again, if you have questions or you want to set up a conversation with me, just email me at mary@maryschiller.com. So what I would love to leave you with on this call is thank you so much, first of all, for being here. And if you're watching the replay, I really appreciate your presence there as well. Your contributions to this conversation have been just fantastic. Oh, thank you, Lynn. And again, this is the final time that I'm going to be offering this type of program, and I'm not going to be offering one-to-one support like this at least through 2019. I have some reasons why I have to do that, mostly because I have, with the addition of this group, I will have as many people as I can support and really give the type of care that I would like to give them. So that's a big part of it. So if you want to work with me one-to-one, this is kind of it. Not kind of, this is it. So anyway, let me know if you're interested. And thank you again so much for being here. We— I will be back on Monday with the third of the four talks. The one on Monday has kind of a cool title called You Have Permission to Get Up Tomorrow and Do Anything That You Want to Do. Oh, Marina, I wonder how you can be disponibile for 24/7 for 7 people. How does it affect my life? I'm pretty organized, Marina, and I have a system that I use that I think is pretty effective for that. So, um, you know, I think if you ask the people who are currently clients, I think I have at least one person, two people on the call, uh, they could tell you that I'm pretty responsive and thorough in my support. But I can bring some testimonials in on Monday to share, and I think there are a couple on that page actually. If you click the link. So thank you so much, everybody. Oh, Ali says, very responsive and wonderful. Oh, you're so, you're so kind, Ali. You know I love you. Linda, it works very well, highly recommend. Linda, thank you so much for that. Marina, not doubting that, just wonder about the practical side of it. And thank you. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah, it seems to work well for people because especially over email and when I respond, people can send me a question when it's on their mind they don't have to wait for my schedule, and then I respond really quickly with a pretty thorough answer usually, and we can go back and forth like that in a way that's very convenient and allows people time and space to consider what I'm saying and what they're saying, and it's pretty interesting. Oh, good, Doug, thank you so much. Okay, everybody, I hope you'll come back and join me on Monday. I'm very excited for that particular session on you have permission to wake up tomorrow and do anything, because that was a very exciting revelation to me. And it's going to be really, really fun to talk about that. Have a wonderful weekend and I will see you soon. Thank you so much, everybody. And I love you. Bye.