A short, candid vlog-style reflection by the creator (Matthew Kelly) describing a recurring sense of loneliness and life uncertainty. The speaker recounts a pattern: intense social early 20s, later crash and rebound, and a recent return to a lonely chapter driven by remote work, distant family, changing friendships, and undecided life choices (where to live, settling down, property). The tone is resigned but curious — not fully sad, more observational.
Yo, Quick reflection in the car. I actually think if you watch my original YouTube channel from 2017 weirdly enough, which sadly disappeared off the Internet. So if anyone, if anyone can help me figure out how to get my old channel back, that'd be great. So my first ever video was in my mini one in 2017, which is like a 2000 pound black car with a 0.5 liter engine or something. And I made something in the car and it was a poignant video. I forgot what it was about. It was like some deep topic. Cars seem to be good for that. And I feel like back then I think I was 20. So eight years ago, I think I was talking about how I was going through like a lonely period or shit. Felt really hard and it was like the struggle. It's weird, I feel like I'm. There's been like this bell curve. I went through that. I figured stuff out. I did pretty well in my early 20s, lived the whole life, made a lot of friends, networked, traveled the world, did a lot of shit. And then as I've documented on the channel, crashed and burned three and a bit years ago, but then bounced back. And then in the past few months, maybe year, a few months in particular, feel like life has become lonely again in a weird way. I just feel like. Feels like this kind of lonely chapter thing. I don't want to sound sullen. It's not even like necessarily a bad thing or a sad thing. It's just an observation. It's like almost feel like I'm too old to live with my mates like I used to because I don't anymore. I've been living all over the place and technically I live by myself, but I've been living with my girlfriend half the time and I guess it's going that way and that's nice. But like, you know, I feel like I don't see my mates like I used to, being a remote first business. I don't see colleagues or the team that much. And even when I do it's like work obviously and I don't know, I don't feel connected in the same way I do with obviously mates and stuff or family. Don't really speak to my parents, my family that much, which is a whole other issue. But don't have a great relationship, to be completely honest, which is a long story. But there we go. Obviously don't have my own family yet. Not I don't want to yet. Don't feel ready for that at all. Which maybe is something weird I need to figure out. Because will I ever feel ready for that? But that's probably at least five years away. And then, yeah, a lot of mates have moved different countries and, you know, just moved on. So it's like, don't have my own family apart from my girlfriend, who I don't see all the time. Don't have really my parents and my brother in my life because they live so far away. And even then we're not that close. It's remote business. I still feel like I know that many people. I don't know, it's just a weird stage. I just feel like it's quite a strange stage where I feel too old to be living the whole nomad thing all the time. You know, we. Where you do meet a lot of people, like back in the Bali days, etc. But I also don't feel old enough or just like far along in life to be super settled. Like, don't really know where I want to live. Don't own any property, don't own a home, even really have a home right now, which is a whole other issue kind of dotting around and. Yeah, I don't know. Don't know if it's relatable. Just feels like this weird, lonely period. And it's like the exact same as how I felt like when I was 28 years ago and I filmed a video in a car in a similar setting. I think I look like I'd just come out of the gym and. Yeah, strange. Funny how things change. Like the past, my early to mid 20s, there was so much going on I felt part of, like, living with mates, meeting cool people, traveling the world a lot, being the whole nomad thing, scaling remotely, but doing it with mates. And then I've come almost like full circle back to just feeling like, ah, fuck. Sometimes it just feels like it's me in my life, apart from people online. I think figuring that out is the hard part because, yeah, I don't know, I feel like I should be more settled and further along in my, like, life setup by this age. But I'm just not. Like, I can't figure out if I want to live in London long term. Do I want to move somewhere hot? Do I want to be remote forever with my business? Because I feel a shitload of pressure on that. And like, yes, we're growing and stuff. It feels like it's getting harder and there's so many major problems. Basically, yeah, I'm just reflecting. I'm definitely in that struggle period which people talk about. Kind of like almost like the no man's land where it's like of my life but also my business, where it's a weird stage. I haven't made it at all yet by any means. But I'm also not just starting. So like the, the honeymoon period, the romantic start is finished. But also in my life I'm not. I don't have the excuse of being like 21 anymore. But I also don't feel remotely ready to settle down, nor do I feel like financially ready to settle down because I don't feel like I've achieved enough to like choose one place and buy a house and all this shit. At least in my head I don't feel like that. Yeah, just some reflections in the car. It's like fucking 11pm I was feeling kind of like I should film a video and the nature of my channel is documenting shit. Don't know if people can relate. Maybe this is what it will always feel like as a founder. Hopefully not because I don't really like the feeling and it's kind of like, well, if it's just me, if life just feels like it's me, then kind of like what's the point? In a way, I don't know, it's just lonely. Running a business is lonely. But life is. Feels lonely for me right now at this stage. And the irony is I've had access to so many people through, through Twitter, you know, Instagram, the YouTube community. And maybe I should reach out to someone, you know, host an event. I used to host these events for this exact reason. And then I'm such a hypocrite because I stopped doing them and I don't go to other ones and sit here moaning on YouTube videos instead. But yeah, that's where I'm at. Just thought I'd chuck a video up. Maybe this will be the first one I make and don't actually post, which might become the next part of the YouTube. But nah, me, I'll probably just post it. Shit quality video, shit chat. It's not all doom and gloom, but it's just a reflection. Yeah, it's tough sometimes. Wish I was 21 or I wish I was worth 21 million by this age and neither one is true right now anymore. I can't be 21 again. I could be worth 21mil in the future, but I'm not right now, which really annoys me. So I guess I better get back to work. And as always, subscribe to the channel if you watch. Still trying to figure out what to do. Do I overshare? Yes, it's attracted loads of competition. Annoying. I'm a better off filming these videos, being super honest more than I ever have been in any video because it's probably public and just keeping it private and releasing it in 10 years maybe. But I'll just keep figuring it out and documenting the process. Cool. Catch you in a bit. Peace.
