The Toxic Work Mindset I've Developed Recently & Remembering Why I Started - Doc the Journey Ep 40

Yo. Back with another episode of Document the Journey. What episode are we on? I always forget to check before I start actually recording this shit. I look sunburnt, which I actually quite like because it means I finally got the sun. Been away in Dubai for the past week for anyone? Well, six days. Episode 40. Wow. Depending on the care. Has been in Dubai for past week in this beautiful fucking Airbnb villa. Have not been getting enough work done really. In hindsight I don't know if the vloggy style content that I've done is gonna go in this video or if it's gonna go separate. I also don't know what these sound like when I'm holding them close up. But I have made the somewhat high risk decision to. Well, I was meant to be going to Bali originally. This fucking angle looks shit. Let me try something else. No, that looks worse. Fuck it. I hate two ears in shot. Don't know if you notice when I film shit at home I have like the angle this side because I hate my face for two ears and I become super self conscious. But I was meant to be in Bali. I booked a trip with my Aussie and New Zealand mates from like the OG Bali dropshipping days about nine months ago. I agreed to it and I almost forgot was happening and that's on the 26th of April. Then I was here and I wasn't going to go because it felt really inconvenient to stay here or go back and then go to Bali. But then I had a bit of an epiphany and I was like fuck. I wasn't actually feeling very good back in London for the past month. I just moved into a new place which I really can't complain about and it's very nice and a lovely setting. But my flatmate Adam wasn't there been shit weather which really fucking affects me. I feel like I've been in the trenches, it feels like for about the past three months and I just realized why am I not going to Bali? I love that place. I was in obviously day for New Year first fairly recently and then I made the last minute decision to go to Bali on Monday. It's now Saturday night in Dubai and I'm instead of going out with a lot of other people to dinner, I'm fucking knackered and I'm trying to catch up on some work and do this YouTube video. It turned into a bit of a fucking send the past few days. Feel like it always does when you're in a place for like a fucking short amount of time without properly setting in, settling in. I feel like Bali doesn't have to be that. But yeah, I'm going to slot into Zin Cafe of books, which is actually quite expensive for Bali to booked it last minute. But it's a beautiful place. It's actually like one of the. It's like a hotel inside this co work space that I love in Canggu next to like body factory gym and all that. So I'm gonna end up being a Bali for like 15 nights, just over two weeks and I'm flying tomorrow by myself. It's plenty of people I know out there and I'm meeting people out there as planned anyway. So yeah, it should be pretty sick. I'm constantly debating this and obviously documenting the fact that I'm debating it. Whether I need to be in one place, whether I want to have an office and 50 people in London eventually or actually if I just want to live this what I would call high risk nomadic lifestyle, which I used to fucking love. And it's probably the original thing I liked the most about making some progress in entrepreneurship when I first did was all about freedom more than other stuff. And then I go through seasons and I've documented this a lot, you know, and there are seasons to get your head down and work in one place doesn't necessarily have to be London in the winter, which is one thing I'm thinking about a lot. And yeah, I just, I don't want to not do a trip or go somewhere and then in six months time regret having not done it. And I also think I'm fucking tired, by the way. And this is the very last minute I decided I should film something. I really think I've realized I have developed this toxic hustle culture for myself, which isn't useful. And I've come to the strange conclusion. As mad as it sounds, I almost feel guilty if I'm enjoying myself, as in enjoying work, but also just enjoying myself in general. Like it's got to the point where I don't know if this is my fucking poor mental health or just me being a retard, but it's got to the point recently, particularly in like past six months, I think that I almost. Yeah, I just. I've developed a very toxic relationship with work and life, I think to the point where I feel bad if I'm enjoying myself, whether that's on a Monday while working or on the weekend going out and not working or anything in between. And it's completely unnecessary because there's so many people I know that are way more successful than me. In fact, most people I know and they always seem to be enjoying what they're doing more than I do. Enjoying their day to day life, having maybe a bit more balance in it. And I'm there fucking I don't know. I don't know where it comes from. Does it come from the fear of failure because I've failed in the past so publicly and dramatically? Does. Does it come from getting older and feeling like I can't enjoy my life anymore? Like the fucking fun days are over? All this shit. I don't know where it stems from, but I'm very aware of it and I've become more aware of it in the past few months. And I don't want to continue living like that because I know I can get. I know I can be successful and progress the business. And all this while actually still just fucking being happy to wake up and work on stuff and not resenting the fucking day, which I feel like recently maybe a part of me has. Yeah, I think the past month in particular, I've been in a bit of a shithead space, to be honest, because I've been training myself to think that if I'm fucking enjoying my day to day, then I'm doing something wrong, which is completely ridiculous. So I suppose I'm very conscious of that. And that's partly why I decided last minute, fuck it, we'll go to Bali. It's not like I'm not gonna work. I can actually work quite well in Bali because I know the setup, I know you know, where to eat, the best places to stay, gym I can kind of slot in. It's not like going, I don't know, randomly going to fucking South Korea or something like I've done in the past, where it would be very hard to get any routine, which is why I think Bali is great. And obviously I bang on about it. Hopefully I won't get Bali belly for two weeks this time like I did last time. But yeah, where was I going with this? Nearly a month in, since hiring Ollie, who's the MD now at spacegoods, I'm really trying to consciously let him take the reins on a lot of things in terms of day to day. Like most of the team is reporting into him directly now, which obviously I'm still massively involved. But yeah, he's really putting a lot of structure in place and I feel like I have to be less in the weeds on a lot of things, which allows me to a, have more time to fucking breathe and do things. But also B, allows me to think about how I can actually move the needle a lot more. And yeah, I've got a lot of things that are in the works that are exciting in that respect. And yeah, things are gradually moving the right way. I feel like we also reached one year. I forgot to fucking mention I'll make a video when I'm in Bali on the one year milestone and do like a review properly, a proper rundown on that, which I'll post out in like within the next week. I really should have been more prepared and posted it two days ago when it was the one year anniversary. But yeah, made a lot of progress. Never feels quick enough. You know, I haven't hit some of the goals I set for the first year in terms of the revenue level. I want it to be on a monthly basis by the end of the first year. I've not hit that. I will discuss all that and what that was the next video when I do a one year review. But yeah, what's my point? In this video I'm gonna ramble as always. But I realized that I actually need to allow myself to fucking enjoy the process a bit more because I'm so toxically chasing an end goal and committing to myself. I can't enjoy anything. That actually probably has a net negative effect on the business. Certainly does on my mental health, which then definitely does on the business. I'm not gonna affect long term. And yeah, what the fuck am I doing it all for if I can't even enjoy the process? Like, you know, the reason I build stupid shit on the Internet from scratch and sell fucking mushroom powder that I came up with in my living room is to avoid having a job I hate. And then I find myself almost choosing to hate what I'm doing because I develop this attitude that says I can't enjoy anything. And if I'm enjoying myself, I'm not working hard enough, I'm not suffering enough. All this. And I think a large part of that is the fucking negative thoughts in my head, to be honest, which always come around. But I'm trying my very best to control my inputs and control my environment to keep that at bay. And one thing I noticed in the past month was I was just fucking miserable in London, living by myself, grounded in a lovely flat, but by myself, shit weather doesn't do well for me. I like being around people generally in the sun. It has a massive effect on my life and my mental health. And you know, I love being a place like Marbella, Bali, probably those two Jump out as favorites. I'm less convinced on Dubai yet. Maybe I'm getting there. There are obviously pros to being in Dubai longer term, etc, but not convinced yet for the record. Maybe I will be in a few months time. But yeah, because at the end of the day, if I'm not happy, no matter how big the numbers are, no matter what's going on and what it might look like from the outside, if I'm not happy in my fucking home office in London like I wasn't recently, to be completely honest, then none of it fucking matters anyway. And actually if I'm not happy, we're not going to fucking grow the business anyway, which would make me even less happy. So I'm not saying I'm going to move to Bali full time, I'm just saying I need to be more conscious of actually doing things to make myself feel better. And when I feel better, I do my best work. When I do my best work, I feel better. So it's a, it's a nice cycle. It's like when you get in shape, staying in shape becomes easier because you feel good about yourself, etc. And the opposite is also true when you get in a bad headspace, a downward spiral, whether it's fitness work goes the opposite way. So yeah, I guess I'm just saying publicly, on episode fucking 40, document the journey that I'm. I want to fucking enjoy the process more because I don't want to look back in 10 years time at these videos which I will look back on in 10 years time. I hope if I'm sit around in 10 years, which I hope I am, I don't want to look back on them and fucking say, geez, you know, I should have enjoyed it more because when I've got all this money or whatever it is I'm chasing, which I guess money is one of them, to be completely honest. I don't look back at it and say it was all worthless because I fucking hate every minute. So yeah, that's just something I'm thinking about and something I'm still trying to work out because it's not fucking easy. I don't think you have to be locked in an office, home office, physical office, cowork space in London or in any place that looks maybe more productive just to fucking get more done. I think you have to really know yourself. And I do know myself and I've been ignoring the fact that I know myself for some strange reason, trying to, I don't know, maybe look a certain way and basing my business on how other people have done it when they're not me and I'm not them. So yeah, trying to get Florian, who runs Ops Ops at Space Goods to come. I don't know if he watches these videos, but that'll be cool. Then I can kind of turn it into like a team retreat, obviously with one, one team member. But yeah, I was feeling very spontaneous but actually maybe I'm just listening to my intuition a bit more because I always get that excitement that I used to get when I was younger, when I feel like I have the freedom and I don't feel like I've had that recently in London, even though I'm choosing to be there and living in a lovely place and obviously, you know, I'm going away for like they'll end up being like a month total now at this point or three and a half weeks. I'm paying for rent in London and all that. But you can't put a price on feeling better and getting better work done and enjoying the day to day a bit more. So that's what I'm trying to do. The next few months. I'll be back in London start of May, end of April, well, start of May and then I'll probably go Marbella for a while, I'm thinking. So yeah, I'm just self aware enough now to know that switching it up now and then, especially going to familiar places that work for me and my business, it's probably a good idea. So moral of the story, you don't have to fucking hate things. Take it from me, I've not been enjoying myself the past few months. I can't lie, it's been tough and yeah, it should be hard work, but it shouldn't be miserable building a business and living. Because I ain't gonna get these years back, I'm not gonna get these months back. Do you know what I mean? So yeah, anyway, more videos coming soon. I've got a vlog, I've got another video that I need to do and a one year thing coming soon. But we'll call this episode 40 and maybe I'll churn some other bits in. Cheers for watching. Subscribe to the pod. Peace. Sam.