Things Feel a Bit too comfortable right now, I need to push way way harder - Doc the Journey Ep 82

Yo, I'm mid six hour drive going up to York, which is where I'm from, as many of you know. Or if you don't now you do. Proudly Northern with a massive chip on my shoulder as always have been having lived down south for the past six.

Six years or so.

I always get very reflective in the car and I guess even more so this time of year been 23rd December. I always think of loads of profound.

Things I want to film and then.

I start filming and think, ah, I can't get the words out. I need like chat GPT to refine them a bit more. But in my style I'm just going to talk some shit about some things that are on my mind. Fuck me, I'm dropping drinks everywhere. I've also got a dachshund beside me.

Because I still have a dog for anyone that.

Oh, I definitely don't have the lifestyle or the, the attention required to have the patience required to have a dog. But I do see he's just chill. Yeah. But thinking about something recently, I feel like I've got far too comfortable because everything's going quite well. Don't feel like it's going insanely well in any area which is maybe. Well, I fucking never do. I think things are going terribly in a lot of areas a lot of time, but generally speaking things are going quite well. It's, you know, this year we just beat the budget we had set bud set with the investors like a year ago. So all in all I always think things are going shit. But like I nearly crashed button. In the grand scheme of things, I'm putting Tesla auto drive on. In the grand scheme of things, things are going quite well. My relationship's good, my parents are healthy currently, even though we don't have the best relationship ever. But I'm trying to repair that, which is part of the reason I'm coming up here for longer than I normally would. Yes, I've been living all over the place right now, but like, in the grand scheme of things, I can afford a nice place to live. I'm not as damn bad as I was three years ago in that horrible period. My health is generally pretty good. My mental health could be better, but probably could be for a lot of people. So in the grand scheme of things, looking from a neutral point of view, things are going pretty well.

And I often think that's kind of.

The problem because at least for me, and maybe it's because I'm a maniac, adhd, autistic, bipolar type or whatever. Definitely Bipolar slash, that's probably the most prominent one. The rest are maybe just fucking labels from TikTok, but that's not how I feel. Like I get the best out of myself and there's two sides to this here and stay with me and maybe, maybe you'll try and stay with me and it makes no fucking sense. But I'm just speaking my mind. I feel like I've always done my best work and attacked things with the greatest velocity when I'm coming off the back of like fucking rock bottom. And it happened when I was in uni and I was honestly really fucking depressed. I went through like the fucking SSRI phase, which probably a lot of people.

Do, which I don't agree with at all. Now as a result, again, ages crashed. Fuck me, people are so angry in the uk.

Went through that phase. And then that's what led me to start my first ever business. I was drop shipping jeans and I fucking dropped out of uni. This was back in like March 2017, like seven years ago, crazily. And that was what led like a seismic shift and I really pushed things on. And then things then I did pretty well, like shortening down the time frames. I did pretty well in my early 20s, early to mid-20s, kind of up and to the right between the ages like 20 to 24. And then maybe in hindsight being super reflective, which I tend to be now more than ever, and am in general, but certainly more than ever in the past few years things were going well and I did the whole, you know, had the nice flat, the car and everything. And then I guess maybe I took.

My eye off the ball a little bit.

I didn't do the things I did. I probably didn't see around corners as much. Maybe I wasn't as paranoid as I was in the start when I had fucking nothing. And then that's what led to. That's one part of what led to me getting fucked and nearly wiped out in March 2021, which obviously documented heavily. And then I reached like rock bottom again and off the back of that broke up my ex girlfriend, got in the best shape of my life to like an extreme degree, launched this business and went through like this phase of being super creative and feeling super inspired and passionate about everything. And I guess what I feel like it was, was it was an obsessive phase operating at extremes because there was no fucking other option. Like the other option was like in my mind, basically death, which was like absolute ruin, complete failure, no chance, etc. And that was true in Both those scenarios when I was like 19, 20, didn't want to be at uni and had literally nothing to lose. And then it was also kind of true a few years ago and I had slightly more to lose, but in my head I'd fucked up everything and come off the back of this massive high. And that was when I feel like I moved the needle the most, at least in hindsight, when it felt the most intense, etc. Etc. And I wonder, like, is there a way to cultivate that without actually being in that space? Or do we all naturally get a bit comfier? Take your foot off the gas. Seen it in my mates, naming no names. They probably don't watch this and even if they do, they won't know who I'm in. I've seen it in friends that have made a bit of money and a bit of money in that context. I mean, they made enough to not work potentially ever again if they want to live quite simply, or they've made enough to live the flash lifestyle and not have any more money coming in for at least five to 10 years or three to five years, whatever. The point being they don't need to work, but they've only reached kind of level one in the success ranking and I've seen them take their foot off the gas. And it happens with a lot of people, no matter who you are, no matter how much of a dog you think you are and all this bullshit, if you don't need it, like you did when you first started, you're not actually fucked without making it work, it just becomes easier to be more casual. And so how do you keep that, that mindset, that fucking dog in you when you don't, when it's not so desperate, even though level one to maybe level five or level ten, as big a shift, if not bigger than level, you know, 0 to 1, which a lot of people achieve quite easily, I guess. So firstly, how do you keep that mentality? Do you even need to keep that mentality or is it really toxic? And then I guess I don't know what I'm saying, secondly, but like, firstly, do you need that mentality to make things work or is it just kind of fucking hustle porn, etc? Etc? And then secondly, if you do, then how do you cope, cultivate it when you objectively aren't in that desperate need state or like that, you know, rock bottom nothingness? Because I feel like the biggest risk for a lot of people when things are going quite well and they're definitely going a lot more Quite well for a lot of people I know than they are for me. But from the outside looking in, by most people's standards they're going like pretty well. Even though I genuinely feel like a fucking useless piece of shit most of the time. And like I've achieved absolutely nothing, nothing. And I compare myself to everyone I know all the time, which is prob. A good thing long term because I'll remain paranoid enough. But even then, you know, like I feel like the dog, the real dog in me. Like the back against the wall, you know, me versus the universe, breakup vibes. I feel like that has just gone, which is probably healthy. But I do sometimes think if I want to really move the needle, take it to another level and completely like be an outlier against all the competition, at least my space want to crush everyone. That sort of kind of Kobe mindset, then maybe I need to bring that back somehow. I don't know how you do bring it back or is it all just a pointless argument? And the whole point of progressing is that things do get a little bit easier and the mindset that got you from 0 to 1 is not the mindset. You know, attitude wise it's going to get you from 1 to 10 and 10 to 100 in terms of stages, not in terms of millions. So yeah, that's just something I'm thinking about. I don't know if it makes any fucking sense but. But I'm in this kind of semi cosy, not made it by any means at all stage. And it's probably one that a lot of people can relate to. You're not rock bottom. I've been there twice. I'm sure a lot of people have as well. But I documented the second version of that heavily. And even looking back at my videos, there was something else in me back then. I mean at first I was a lot leaner, which speaks to a lot of that. I was in crazy shape and I don't feel the need to be now, which is so for me, maybe it's like I need to bring the dog.

Out in another way.

Maybe It's a fucking sub one hour Hyrox. Maybe it's the sub two 45 marathon, maybe it's the 100 mile or something. Because the physical aspect to me always felt like it translated into the right work mindset and wanting to win. Even though now I've got a nice girlfriend, the business has grown to a decent level, got a team, etc. It's a bit more cozy than it used to be. Still fucking stressful and I'm paranoid every day, but it's not as desperate as it was back then. But I sometimes think there's this, like. I don't know, I feel like the summary here is, for me, I feel like there's this inner dark voice demon slash, I don't know, fucking side effect of maybe many years of episodes of manic depression. It's like this fucking Goggins mode in me that I feel like I miss and I want to cultivate without actually having to reach rock bottom is basically what I'm saying. Because for me, it just feels like that's the pinnacle of that, like, primal entrepreneurial instinct, is like, back against the wal. And for me, maybe it came out more in, like, physical exercise, back when I used to row, when I did the Sub three marathon, all that sort of shit. And it might sound trivial and stupid, but for me, that's when it. I think that's why I like that shit a lot, is that. I don't know, through physical endurance stuff, I feel like I connect that inner, like, dog, so to speak. But it also translates. Translates into business. So I feel like I miss that in myself. I feel like I'm becoming a bit of an npc, a bit of a fuck it, we'll have the crisps on a Friday, we'll have a few pints, and maybe that's fine. Maybe that's actually just healthy. But maybe deep down I want to be more of an outlier and I don't feel like I'm behaving like one is really what I'm saying. But does that come from just bullshit toxic social media extremism and no one's actually living that way anyway? Or is that something I need to listen to and take action on and become the fucking, like, beastly mode of myself consistently that I've seen over the years? Only when my. But backwards against the wall, how can I cultivate that when things are going decent to help me push to the next level even quicker in an even more desperate fashion to when I started? So, yeah, I don't know. Don't know if that makes any sense. Something I've been thinking about a lot. I like, I don't know, I feel like I think about this when I go to bed at night and I'm like, wow, this is too cozy. Yeah, I don't know, maybe it's relatable. I got like five more hours to go and there's a shitload of traffic and I've taken the A roads instead of the M1. Which is meant to be quicker, but it's a lot more painful driving.

So yeah, have a good Christmas everyone.

I think this might be the last.

Video I post before then.

And yeah, been a big year. I'll do a summary video for 2024. It just never feels like enough, does it? I don't know. I just want to. I just want to get better so badly. I think that's what drives me deep down. And when I don't feel like I'm getting better quick enough and people are getting better faster than me, then I question what the fuck I'm doing. So, yeah, maybe that's the key takeaway.

I'll catch you in the next video.

Have a great Christmas and a sick New Year, whatever you're doing. And yeah, catch you in 2025 or in the next video.

Peace. Christmas Day dog walk. Building on what I said in my previous video. Well, sorry, previous clip of this video just been for a 5k run after eating far too much food as everyone does and as you should do in many ways, drinking far too much the past few days, stepping on the scales at like 98 kilos. I think back two years ago to the shape I was in. I think what I've realized is ultimately I feel my best mentally and able to attack business and everything else when I've got the fitness, fitness and physical and mental foundations nailed first.

And it's kind of obvious, but not.

Everyone takes it to that extreme. Like I do train a lot. I'm just blinding myself. I do train a lot. I eat generally pretty well. Girlfriend's a bit of a biohacker, which helps. So she definitely puts me on a. Tries to keep me on the right path with that. But I think I really have let myself down the past two years in terms of my physical ability. Yeah, I'm still quite fit. The O2 is like 56, whatever. Could probably run an 1835 K, maybe a 3:30 marathon, something like that. Did a 111 Hyrox first time around. That was like nine months ago now, so probably wouldn't be the case now. But a bit of me does think I need to step it up and.

You put Davy Goggins in your ear.

For a while like I did earlier. Very cliche and a bit of just motivation porn which isn't a good thing, it's never sustainable. But bit me does think I need to go one more and I watch like a Nick Bear video and I get fired up and I think maybe I should pivot the brand to being you Know, kind of fitness focused and become the face and do this grand challenge and I want to watch like Russ Cook run Africa and, and that stuff does appeal to me. Maybe it just appeals to me when I'm sat at my feet up watching it, the beer for Christmas in my hand, like many people. But I do think, you know, maybe a sub 1 hour high rock, something ridiculous, something that sounds impossible. Just going for a challenge like that and a new challenge rather than just.

Another matter of things.

I think that one's been done would be really good to me.

And I'm.

Just being a little by not doing it really. And I've been putting it on for two years, keep saying, ah, I'll do another one. And I'm very much riding now. I'm still pointing back to like, oh, I did a 252 marathon. But yeah, that was two and a bit years ago now. And as a founder, someone who always wants to progress and get better, come on, my dog's on the road. I need to be thinking about the next thing rather than just, you know, talking about what I did two years ago. It's not the right attitude because you're.

Only as good as your last at.

Bat, so to speak. And I'm in a group chat, we do these challenges and someone said, Kelly as they call me, or Turbo as they call me, even Kelly or Turbo, depending on the day, when are you going to start living in the future? And it kind of struck with me. I was like, oh, that's a very valid point because I keep pointing to, oh, I did a 252 marathon in the context of this group being like a training group. But now I've got mates that are walking, walking rings around me physically at the minute and even guys that used to be quite unfit doing Ironmans and stuff. I think there is this part of me that because of my rowing background, you know, I spent years and years being a rower and that was like my life when I was a junior, when I was a kid between the age of like 12 to 20, before the entrepreneurship arc. So yeah, I think for me, having some big physical challenge and actually performing at like an amateur elite level, it's something I need and I feel like I've been missing that. And I've been the dog in me to go and train like that and achieve those things has kind of gone.

Or doesn't, hasn't felt very present in.

Recent, well, the past two years, to be honest. So, yeah, I don't know, maybe it's not the same for everyone. Sorry, dog is. Dog is walking around me. Maybe it's not the same for everyone, but for me, I feel like the physical aspect of training.

Come on.

Sorry, my sausage. Dog is in the road. The physical aspect of training just carries through and makes me work better, makes me feel better generally. I know it's that time of year and it's incredibly cliche, but fuck it, like, it's valuable. It almost feels like a fresh start with the new year. And I need to announce what I'm going to attempt and hold myself publicly accountable because it worked last time. And, yes, I have less time.

Fuck me.

It's hard on this camera. Yes, I have less time day to day than I probably used to. Although that is a bullshit excuse because you make time for what's important to you. But it's still possible, you know, that's why I think hyrox is probably the right focus. It's a nice blend of training. I'm walking around the less nice area of where I'm from originally right now, 10 minutes from my house. So, yeah, I don't know, I'm rambling now, but I'm also vlogging in public for the first time, which I never used to have the balls to do. I guess it is quite legitimate. Come on. So, yeah, I don't know, I just think I need a challenge. I need to step it up and physicality is a good place to start. And for me, it translates into more resilient mindset, more resilient, resilient physique, better at business, holding myself accountable, being more disciplined across the board. So, yeah, watch this. Space Transformation, version 2.