Why I Started Running - Documenting the journey - Episode 20

Yo. New episode of Document the Journey and I guess a slightly different topic for once to actually mix it up and probably even less useful for people and less detailed about E. Comm and so on. But it feels topical and a lot of people constantly ask me about it. And yeah, I guess this episode, episode 20 I think we, we are three days out from the London Marathon, which I probably made a huge deal of in terms of speaking about it, alluding to it on the pod and in episodes and on Twitter and Instagram, et cetera, et cetera. And it's probably that much. It's not that big of a deal at all in general. It's not that big of a deal to people that don't care about running, certainly. But I guess if you watch this then you somehow give a fuck about the stuff I'm doing and like the story and how it ties in. I suppose so, yeah, I want to speak about that and I'm going to try and keep it like fairly short. Obviously work is going on as normal. This week I'm trying to get up at like 5am I've done this two week taper, which basically means my first time tapering, first time doing any proper running event. Basically just cutting down the training and seeing, you know, seeing how fit. Well, not seeing how fit I can feel, just cutting down the training for like two weeks, 70%, two weeks out, 50% for the past week, which is what it's been this week for the last week. And yeah, just being fully rested, get myself in a prime state to go and smash it on Sunday, which is the plan. But because the race is at 9:30 or I've got a set up at 9:30, I think I'm in the first wave. I normally train like 4:00pm, so I've been trying to get up at like 5:00am So I was up at like half full this morning actually, which is like 13 hours ago. I'm recording this at 6pm on Thursday. And yeah, I just thought I probably listened to way too much David Goggins in the past week and I've been making my playlists and shit and probably putting a lot of pressure on myself because I've spoken about what I want to do, you know, the sub three marathon, speaking about that publicly, etc. But I suppose I wanted to speak about why I started running. I feel like this episode should have some epic like piano music or something over it, which, which I might do, might add to the edit just to see if can make this a tear joke or not. But yeah, I mean, didn't write any fucking script. Didn't really write any points down, to be honest. I just want to speak by. I mean, I was never a runner. I guess going back. I always considered myself a very good athlete when I was younger, particularly when I was in school, when I was in, like sixth form and so on. Was really good at cross country. Used to win all the running events in school. But it wasn't because I was a good runner or even consider myself a runner in general, but just because I was very, very fit. And that was because I was training like twice a day for rowing. And I did rowing obsessively from the age of 11 to 17 or 16, and then again from my age 19 to 21 at uni. But it was much more serious when I was like 16. That was like my peak. And ended up becoming like national champion twice doing that, which was probably. And again, I hate to look back and be one of these people that looks back and, you know, this is 10 years ago now. I don't want to live my life on those achievements. But that was for the first time I felt like I could actually achieve anything in life, let alone in, like, business or sports specifically, or running. But it was just like, it taught me a lot in the sense that, you know, you work hard, you show up every fucking day and you believe in yourself and you can get somewhere with it. That might sound massively dramatic and whatever, but that was. That was my identity when I was younger, I guess, was being ultimately what became like an elite junior row, I guess. And then as I got older, I got kind of into the gym. I sacked off the row. It was probably one of my regrets, to be honest, when I was younger, because age 18 would have been like, yeah, had really good times for Brian. I just kind of got a bit lost before I went to uni, got into the gym. Probably like a lot of people, you know, just found myself training for aesthetics. I went through a phase of wanting to be a fitness model. This sort of shit was obsessed with getting shredded, like, all the supplements that everything. But there was never anything I was training for. You know, there's never any proper routine. It was just going to the gym either by myself with mates, pretty aimlessly, not tracking anything, just like, how do I look, how do I feel? Probably like most people. And I guess looking back, I probably let myself go, like, physically a little bit. And I guess going back further than that, like age 18, 19, 20 is when I got obsessed, you know, with entrepreneurship and business and e comm and then when I was 21, dropped out to focus fully on that and that became my life. Whereas previously rowing was my life. Right. So the priorities changed. And looking back, like when I was traveling and stuff, I was looking back at pictures in like 2017, 2018, the other day. And there's some pictures, not all like those periods where I started to look a bit fat. And I'm talking like properly fat. I mean, for most people, they probably wouldn't say I was fat, but certainly now looking back, I think, Jesus, like, how did I even live with myself with that physique? And yeah, I guess I just, yeah, it wasn't a priority and it didn't bother me. I didn't have any problem with how I looked. You know, I was a pretty standard rig, wasn't that fit, obviously went from training all the time with rowing into just going to the gym and not really doing any cardio and my life became rowing. And then I guess anyone that's fought my journey and the podcast etc knows that like end of 2020, start of 2021 was a fucking rough period for me in 2021 as a whole. Looking back was, I mean, this kind of like a therapy session now. But it was literally like a blur, to be honest, looking back because, yeah, a lot of shit happened, as anyone that follows my shit probably knows, and probably a lot of stuff that was maybe, at least for me was worse and darker and mentally more taxing than I ever have spoken about on the pod and so on happened and certain things happened that I never spoke, never will speak about on the pod and certainly haven't to this point. Long story short, yeah, it was probably worse than I described in terms of my content so far on the pod, which a lot of people have seen, but you know, the general story and I honestly, like, I looked back and in like 2020, before that shit happened, that I was in decent shape, like pretty average. But then I look back at pictures of myself and I put pictures in my main group chat recently, like the past week just because it's like big event coming up for effects like a year ago and think, Christ, like I do not recognize myself. And yeah, like, my face looks different, you know, I was just fatter, basically. I was about two stone heavier. Again, I wasn't like super fat. No one would have called me fat necessarily. But compared to the shape I'm in now, like, I guess I was fat. And looking back, I just don't recognize myself. Like my face was a lot fatter, which is probably the Main thing I noticed, crazily enough, my rig was fucking awful. Maybe in like the sub 3 documentary that's coming next week or the week after, I'll share some actual pictures of this shit. Can't be bothered editing them into this one. But yeah, it's crazy looking back and yeah, I look like a bit of a broken man, to be honest. And actually in many ways I was. And I think I was hiding a lot of pain from the year before. Like that business going tits up, the end of the first serious relationship I'd ever had. Finding myself just a bit lost. And I'd put on weight after that, after that situation because again, I was just like, had no routine and everything went wrong. I was probably comfort eating all this shit. I just don't recognize myself looking back, to be honest. I actually feel ashamed looking at it or maybe not ashamed. I feel kind of just like, fuck, that was me. Like I almost feel how I felt back then again just looking at it. And yeah, it's weird when you don't recognize yourself, but obviously in many ways it's a nice thing to look back and think how far I've come because I don't recognize myself at all from back then. But yeah, building myself back up, I guess. Like the whole. And again, if you watch my story, you know, I was never like completely fucked, but like it was more the fact that my confidence was so knocked by that situation. And again, that's probably something I've never even spoken about with my mates that much or even on the pod. And even now I probably deal with certainly I would say elements of PTSD of what happened. And again, some people are going to say, oh, you had an econ brand that went his up. Wasn't just that there was way more shit beyond that, you know, the whole social media stuff that went on, like reporters at my door, all that sort of shit. And yeah, I think it changed my character in many ways. And I think even now looking back at that period, I don't think I've ever. I don't think I've been the same person since I was before that stuff happened. And in many ways I'm a better person, but in many other ways I feel like I lost maybe for the better. I lost that kind of borderline arrogance level of like confidence. But I also probably lost elements of confidence that were good and useful. And yeah, I guess the whole kind of rebuilding process in a way, not rebuilding, but you know, like the next step bouncing back from that ill, which I documented and spoke about. Obviously building the brand, which started working on like November last year, which is like just after this picture that looks out and I do not fuck Americanize myself, as I say. But then I guess I had to start physically because, you know, business can take certainly it did take months even to get off the ground. It can take years to build, it will take years to build. And I'm very much in the trenches again, but in a much, much, much better place than I was a year ago. Certainly mentally, not all the time, but most of the time building myself back up. Yeah, I just think. I don't know why I decided to just. I was like, fuck being fat. I was, I'm gonna get in the best shape of my life. It's probably that kind of post breakup syndrome that a lot of people go through or whatever. But I don't remember what clicked. And I just went on a run and I was the guy that's always. I was almost like the fat guy at the back in terms of running with my mates. And like none of my mates are particularly big runners, but I would go on 10k runs with a few mates and I remember I'd be doing like 51 minutes and I'd be like, fucking done, like absolutely dead. And this is back in like January, February of this year, 2022. But yeah, I just, I didn't like it. Like I was like, in my head, I wasn't a runner. I was like, I'm a big guy now. I don't know, like, I just thought that I couldn't run. I was like, I am not a runner. You know, I want to go to the gym and maybe I'll do some fucking rowing on the rowing machine. Because that's what I used to do. But then I just thought, alright, fuck this, we're gonna make myself good. And kept at it. And I think I've probably loads of stuff I should have put on Strava or like screenshots of my watch mapper watch to track time. But yeah, I think I started running like a little bit in January, got to like maybe March and I kind of got addicted. Probably doing it every day, training like stupid amounts and not very like Chad training, like not very measured, not very tracked. Wasn't planned at all. Probably very, very, very injury prone. And I definitely became injury prone after that. But yeah, like between like March, April, May, I got super quick, lost a load of weight, like really quick and kind of got addicted to the fact that I was like, fuck, I feel good. I was doing weights every day in the gym, bit of calisthenics mainly it was weights and running at that point. And then I guess I decided like, fuck it, I'm going to start actually like tracking some, some progress, tracking my times. I remember the start of the year I said I want to run a sub 40 10K because that felt really difficult coming from a 51 minute. And then I ran a sub 40 in like, I think it was March or April. So it's pretty quick. It was like a month into like property training and then I got down to like a 35 minute 10k back in like June. And then I did a half marathon for the first time, did a 1:30, my first ever half marathon, just did round Battersea Park. Then I did a 126 and it was a 122. Then recently a 121, all this sort of stuff. And then I found I could run like 30k at a 4:06 pace in the heat with no carbs. And I was just like, I don't know, I kind of got addicted to it in a way. And it felt like, felt refreshing to do something that felt kind of human and physical away from the screen. I don't know, I guess I was searching for some sort of ritual that wasn't just staring at a screen and looking at numbers. Because, you know, like anyone that's fucking entrepreneur or anyone in the world these days working online, which is basically everyone, but certainly entrepreneurs, particularly in the E commerce space, you can be looking at a screen 18 hours a day if you want. Like it never ends. You know, you're on 247 and it's difficult, especially when you work from home, which I do. And there's great freedom in that. And a lot of people can relate watching this. But the downside is you feel like you're always at work, you're always working but never working. And yeah, I guess I found a lot of kind of solace in the running and found myself getting major benefit from it physically, like mentally as well. And yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. I kind of wrote a few things down and yeah, I just got addicted to it. And then I guess I was like, fuck, I want to give myself a challenge again. Like, you know, I read David Goggins book Can't Hurt Me and as cliche as that is, I resonated with that hugely because I was coming from a place of feeling like a fucking loser, to be honest. And that's kind of maybe the deeper message in all this is honestly like the back end of last year and the start of this year, I just. Biggest thing I lost was my fucking confidence. Even though I was still financially sound, loads of good mates around me, great network, still had loads of achievements and ups and downs of course, but I'd just been knocked and dunno, I think maybe not enough people are willing to admit that when that kind of thing happens. And for me that was the biggest knock on effect of what happened in that business previously, which like I've said a million times, I've spoken about before and you can go watch the pod on that, etc. But yeah, that was probably an element I never spoke about that much, was the knocking my confidence part and getting in the best shape of my life and just proving to myself that I can fucking do something. And I've always been very goal driven, I've always followed through, I've always been a doer and in my mind a high achiever in everything I do or certainly want to be. And again like part of my identity. If I say I'm gonna do something like in my head it's already done. And that's not an arrogant way, it's in a principles way. Like if I say I'm gonna do something, I commit to doing it, even if it's a small thing like socially or whatever, but particularly, you know, in business, if I set a goal saying I'd do it, ultimately it's gonna happen eventually. I think the beautiful thing about sports, and particularly kind of solo endurance sports, which I guess running is certainly a marathon, is there's no other variables really. Like obviously in business, granted you are responsible and you can control things, but there are other variables outside of that. Whereas in running, if I say I'm going to run a sub three marathon, the only thing stopping me doing that is my lack of commitment, my lack of training and ultimately have I done the work or not over the past few months to go and do it in three days time. And I believe I have. And I like putting pressure on myself and calling myself out publicly, which is why I probably said I'm gonna gonna run the sub three marathon. And that was long before I'd even, I don't know when I first said that, I think, you know, I'd probably run a 1:30 half and that felt pretty good. So I was like, ah fuck, it could probably do two of them if I got fitter in a row. And I am confident but obviously there's always, you can always be surprised and I gotta go and do it on the day. But, yeah, I don't know where I'm going with this. If I had a fucking glass of wine and we're in a pub, we'd probably speak about this for like 20 minutes. But I guess the point is, for me, like, challenges are what fucking keeps me driven, you know, and obviously setting a goal to make like 50 million quid or whatever from this brand is one thing, but it's less. It's less tangible in the short term, it's less precise, it's less. It's less directly on me. And I like the fact that running, like I just said, it's me versus me. It's me versus the voice in the back of my head when it starts to fucking hurt that says you can't do it or you want to stop or you're the fucking kid that can't run. You know, some shit like that. And I'm probably driven a lot by negativity and I don't think that's a bad thing. It's just self awareness. Like, I probably make rivalries in my head with, like, myself or like almost pretend someone said I can't do something just to drive me on further. And I think maybe a lot of guys are then if it's like a masculine thing in many ways, certainly that's the way I've always operated, particularly in sports. Like, I like that kind of locker room energy. I used to love that in rowing of like, fuck you, we're gonna go and do it sort of thing. And obviously rowing was a team sport for me. Running certainly isn't. But that's probably why it's been even more beneficial because it's just me versus me. And I have a very loud mind in general. I think in many ways my mind is a gift and a curse. And I'm sure a lot of creatives and entrepreneurs would say that. And running became this place where I could just don't know, find peace with my thoughts a bit more. And kind of the harder I pushed it and the more. The more I ran and certainly the harder I pushed it and like push it to that breaking point, whether it's like half marathon or, you know, doing a 10k and certainly on Sunday going for a sub three marathon, which I've never done before. It's like the harder you go, the greater it feels at the end. And I just think something primal in me that fucking loves that. And the fact that it's. It's not online, it's not. There's no comparison between. I don't Know, it's just. It feels real and raw and authentic, and that's why I fucking kind of got addicted to it, to be honest. And yeah, like I said, it's not about running. It's about sticking to your word. And I think it's something very powerful in that and, you know, crafting the discipline to set a physical goal which is away from a screen, because they are very different things. And I think there's power in, like, pursuing a physical goal. And for me, I found that there's something about running and the fact that it's an endurance sport, certainly a marathon, that I just fucking resonate with. And like Goggin said, and I don't want to be cliche, and I'm not trying to be overdramatic, but I probably will be on Sunday. I've got that speech on my. One of his speeches on my playlist. It's like in. In suffering, in dark places, you do fucking find yourself. And I think what he means by that, and certainly what I experience by that is you find what you're made of, you know, you build confidence. And it's so easy to spend an entire life saying you're going to do it tomorrow and putting things off. And that's why I think putting deadlines on yourself, whether it's in business, like I've always said, you know, I want to be done by 30, and I'm sure those goalposts are moving. That's slightly different than, like, running. But, yeah, I mean, I feel like it's a carrot. I'm chasing a carrot that I'm never gonna catch, right. Because I'll do this marathon. I'm confident I can. I hope that I'll achieve the sub 3, and then I'll need. I'll need the next thing, probably, because it's almost like a drug. And the whole runner's high thing is very true. And I'm already thinking, like, do I want to do like, I watched a documentary on ultra marathon running, which is like 50 mile plus, and I'm thinking like, maybe ignorantly or naively saying to myself, do I want to do that next? Do I want to sign up for that already? So I have the next thing to look forward to. And maybe, I don't know, who knows? But yeah, I think in fucking pain and pushing yourself, you find out who you are. And that's what I have loved about this process and the fact that honestly, probably 80% of the time when I've gone on these long runs, 90% by myself, you know, in the cold some in summer, of course, early, late, when it's raining, whatever, you just go out there and you never want to do it at the start, but you find the flow and you always fucking finish on a high. And I think it's just a great metaphor for life, really. You know, the harder you work, the greater fucking achievement feels. And particularly when you build. In particular when you're building from nothing, or in my case, just a guy that just lost his confidence, to be honest. And I'm not afraid to say that and admit that. And I think running helped me get it back in many ways because I felt fucking better about myself. And that translates into so many things. Obviously, my physique completely transformed. I looked better and then I felt better on myself physically, but also mentally. And then it translates into the business as well, because it's just like, how relentless can you be almost? And again, I've not run a fucking sub 2. I haven't done what David Goggins has done yet. But that entire philosophy, that mindset, that is why I started doing it. And I would fucking recommend it to anyone, particularly if you think you're not a runner and you hate going out for the first few runs because that's what it's all about. It gets better, you get better. And I just don't think the process has any downsides. And it's certainly overall hasn't for me. And I'm excited to run it on Sunday. Put a lot of pressure on myself. Maybe this channel will end up becoming a hybrid between Document the Journey podcasts and like weird fucking ultra running events or something. I don't know. Yet to be seen. But yeah, let me know if you're into running in the comments. I'll probably share share the tracking link on Sunday in the description or on my Twitter. But yeah, give it a fucking try. I think it could potentially change your life in probably certain ways. And with that said, I will catch you in the next episode. Cheers for watching. Peace.