Answering Your Questions LIVE

What's up, everyone? Leave me a comment once you're here so I know you are here right now. Uh, we're at— where are we live right now, Harrison? YouTube and Facebook. YouTube and Facebook. So we're about to go live on Instagram and TikTok. Great, they're coming. Great, and then you'll pull the comments up for me here on the on my laptop. All right, great. Welcome everybody. Let me know you're here. Leave me a comment. I'm going to be answering some questions, checking in with everybody. Hi Tushara. What's up, Shiman? Hey to all of you here coming in on YouTube right now. We're actually going to go live everywhere today on Instagram, TikTok. Facebook, YouTube. Someone says we can't hear you. Let's just double-check. Can you hear me now? Let me know if you can hear me. Can everyone hear me? Check, check, check. I'm going to be answering some questions today, but if you can't hear me, bear with me. Check one, check two. Can everyone hear me? Okay, it sounds like people can hear me now. All right, very good. Well, we'll do some questions today. Check in with everyone. See how everyone's doing. What's the mood today? How are you feeling? How are you doing in yourself? today? Let's just do a little mood check-in for the moment. And feel free to send in your questions. So, Heather's feeling lost. Hi, Nicole. Danielle feeling discouraged. Russ Roxie is feeling cozy in bed. I like it. Alone, not super happy. I've not dated in so long, I'm sick of dating. Let's see. We're just making sure we can get live everywhere, so bear with us one second. And let's answer some questions. Someone said, I saw someone said in a comment above, why does someone get in? Why does someone suddenly get cold? And my my answer to that is, have you spoken to them about it? Have you asked them why they get cold? I think we learn a lot about people when we actually ask them the questions. Someone said voice is too low, so we might need to turn that up. Have we asked them why they get cold? You know, like, what's going on with you? Like, when you get cold like that, when you change, you know, your energy shifts, and it's hard for me to read it. And then I don't know how you feel anymore. Like, I'm— it throws me off, and I don't want to suddenly become a worse version of myself. But it's, um, around you, but I, I feel like I'm in the dark when you do that. So asking people, you know, if someone just goes cold on you, especially if it's someone you're actually like dating, dating, not someone you've just been on a date with, then asking them the question and actually learning what's going on in their mind. And by the way, then you'll also learn something else, which is Can they articulate what's going on with themselves? Are they someone who knows how to communicate what's wrong? Are they someone who's willing to be vulnerable about why they go cold? That tells you something secondary that's important, which is, can this person communicate in the ways that I need someone to, or I'd like someone to communicate in a relationship? Um, the strength of a relationship is how well you can communicate together. Can we actually resolve things? You're gonna fight, you're gonna have tensions, but how well do we resolve them? And it's really hard to resolve these things with someone who doesn't actually talk. So I think that learning their mind by asking questions and then learning whether they actually can respond to questions is an important thing. And the way I would see that is I'm not— like, often when someone gets cold, what happens? We ourselves get activated, or in some cases we get genuinely triggered. There's a difference between those 2 things. Being activated is, you know, we get emotionally— our emotions get aroused by something that has happened. But being triggered relates to something deeper, more historic, relates to things we've been through in the past that then affect our nervous system. And for whether we get activated or we get triggered when someone goes cold, there's a story or an idea there. There's something— we've connected it to some kind of meaning or danger. I'm gonna get left. I'm not good enough. Someone's decided that I'm unattractive. I don't match up to other people. They're seeing somebody else. Whatever. Our brain immediately goes to a negative or a scary story, and we make it about whether we're good enough. Someone said connection lost, but is this— We're sounding good. Sounds good. Maybe it's— Is it YouTube, or is it just this person's internet that's having issues? But anyway, let me carry on. So, we have to learn to go to a different place. This is the key with emotions, is learning how to go to a different place than we normally do. So, someone goes cold. Our emotional pathway that we go to is not feeling good enough. For example, we have to learn how to take it in a better direction, which might be, ah, someone went cold. This might be a signal that maybe they're not consistent in their communication. Maybe they're not someone who is able to show up in the ways that I'd like someone to show up, and let me find out more. Let me see. I need to— this has given me just a little moment of— Hmm. Hmm, I'm not sure about this. Let me find out more, and let me talk to this person and learn who they are. And it might be that when you have a conversation with them, you feel great, because you're like, Oh, I was mistaken, or, They explained to me more about their mind. I feel like I know them better now. There's more understanding between us, or you'll find out they're not emotionally articulate, or they literally can't have a conversation, or they go into blame mode. And in that moment, you go, oh, I've just discovered they're less right for me than I thought. So, it— how we end up feeling depends on which pathway we take. I have so much more to say about this, but we'll— for those of you joining me next week, we're gonna talk all about this stuff, being triggered in dating. Anyone who feels like, you know, dating robs them of their peace, Anyone who feels like, I can't get control of my emotions, we're gonna be talking about this in an experience I've put together for free called The Calm Method next week. Shout-out to everyone who's joining me. Let me know if you've already signed up. If you haven't signed up, you can sign up by commenting the word calm if you're on Instagram or Facebook, or going to this website up here. If we can just throw up that link, Harrison. The website is 3daycalm.com. 3daycalm.com. 3daycalm.com. So, if you're on Instagram or Facebook, just comment the word calm. If you're watching this on YouTube or TikTok right now, just go to 3daycalm.com. Could you pull up the comments on TikTok as well for me? We're not live on TikTok. Do you want me to set up with your phone? Oh yeah! Let's— in fact, let me add this right now. Here, I'll let you I'll let you hit live. All right, good stuff. I see you all commenting on Instagram. I'll send you a link right now so you can join us for that session next week. Anyone who feels like they struggle with their emotions in dating and relationships in general, this is for you. All right, let's see. Uh, Frieda says, I'm 60, I feel like it's too late for me to find real love again. Um, absolutely not. I feel like I can say this with some authority because I've, I've worked with so many people over 60 who have gone on to find love. And, uh, you know, I, I— so it's so It's so everyday to me that it's obvious to— like, for me, what is not obvious to you because you're very close to you is really obvious to me because it's literally been my life's work. And I had a client who years ago messaged me in her 80s who said, I found love through your work. This wasn't even someone I worked with personally. This was someone who was reading my content. Wow. Following my newsletter, engaging with my programs, and she ended up finding love. I think she said she was 84. It is never too late. You know, what is too late? Are you early if you get married at 35, but then 15 years later, you get divorced? Are you early, or are you behind again? I, you know, I don't believe in ahead or behind in this way. I just think that we're still alive now, We're here right now, and it's all still to play for. There's no there's no rule that says you can't fall in love in your sixties. There's no rule that says you can't have the happiest, most peaceful, most amazing relationship of your life in your seventies, in your eighties. There's no nowhere is it written that that's not possible. So it's definitely not too late for you. Let's see. Maybe I'll take a question from Instagram. Oh, do you need me to? Yeah. All right, we're going live on TikTok as well. Um, oh, it says maybe we— give me a second. Yeah, no worries. Okay. Um, all right, very good. Let's see. Michael Epstein or my Michelle Epstein says, my ex is coming tomorrow to take his things. Please tell me how to act. I'm the one who cut it because I felt he loved me, but he didn't show up as I wanted to. He wasn't taking a step forward. So, it sounds like you weren't getting the commitment you wanted. He wasn't really progressing the relationship. So, the challenge with ending A relationship like that is that you don't necessarily want it to end. You— what you really want— and hi to everyone who's coming through on TikTok right now. What you really want is for this to carry on, but this person who says they love you isn't committing, and that's really painful. So, you did the brave thing, by the way. Like, let's connect with that. You should be proud of yourself. It's really, really hard. to walk away from something you want. Walking away from something you don't want is hard in its own way, 'cause you might hurt someone, you feel guilty, but walking away from someone you want is the hardest thing, and because it requires an enormous amount of courage. You're walking away because this truly doesn't meet your needs, and in this case, Michelle, your needs are you want a committed relationship. You wanna be able to— it sounds like you wanna be able to talk about the future, and where it's going. So... That's what you really want, and he wasn't showing that, so now it's over, and he's coming tomorrow to get his things. I would— what you do before he comes is most important, and that is really connect to why it is you did this. You— so much of life is remaining connected to our reasons. Yeah. The reason we get so thrown off when someone we like comes in, when, you know, when they come back, when they text us, when your ex comes to pick up his things, the reason that we get so activated is because we lose connection with why we got rid of them in the first place. Got rid of them is a bit harsh in this. I didn't mean to say it like that, but we lose connection with why we broke up with them, why we decided to end it. Some people, that language is appropriate. And when we lose connection, we all of a sudden, we're able to be pulled in any direction. So, he can come over and flirt with you, or make you, you know, he can be a bit loving, which he probably will. He's probably gonna come over, and he's gonna be like, maybe he'll be a bit loving, or maybe he'll be like, why are we— I can't believe we're doing this. Maybe he'll try and put it on you, like you're the one who's asking for too much. And all of that has the potential to scramble your brain. Your job is to stay really connected to why it is you decided that you didn't— you couldn't be there anymore, and remember that just because he comes over, and he's loving, and, you know, he makes you feel good for a few minutes, he might try to, by the way, kiss you. He might try and sleep with you when he comes over. Be aware of that. Just because he's doing those things, it doesn't mean anything has changed, and I would have a little, like, trigger in your mind, like a phrase that gets triggered that says— that is like, it comes up for you. You bring it up for you, and you put it in front of you like it's a hologram of writing in front of you. Maybe you can imagine it over his head anytime he's being loving, anytime he's like trying to be affectionate, or he's reminding you of the good times. Maybe like the phrase you can imagine hovering over his head is, what's changed? What's changed? Because if the answer is nothing, then why? Why engage in this right now? It's not going to do you any good. Nothing has changed. Don't let a little bit of love, affection, flirtation, or guilt tripping make you forget that nothing has actually changed. All right. Hello to everyone on TikTok right now. I appreciate you, Natalie, Natalia Star. Thanks for being here. Thanks to everyone on Instagram who's here. I wish I had more time today. I don't, unfortunately, because I've got a whole bunch of meetings I've gotta get to today. It's a busy one, but I am gonna be spending 3 days in a process next week called The Calm Method, for anyone who wants to join me. Any of you who feel like you get triggered easily in dating, anyone who's like, I lose control of my emotions when I like someone, when I get rejected, When I date in general, when someone goes cold, when I get mixed signals, when I have to confront someone about something, or have a difficult conversation, emotions hijack my brain. If that's you, I'm telling you, knowing how to access calm on demand is the greatest superpower you can have in your relationships. It will bring out your confidence. It— calm is the ultimate charisma, and it will allow you to enjoy life more than when you're constantly feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or triggered by your emotions, or by situations that then have a major impact on your emotions. If you wanna join me for The Calm Method, I'll put the link up here. 3daycalm.com is the link. It's free to join. It's a 3-day process happening live, but it's only happening once because it's happening live. So, come join me, or if you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment the word calm, C-A-L-M. Comment the word calm, and I'll send you the link right now in your DMs. Instagram, I'm looking at you, or TikTok rather. I'm looking at you right now on my phone. You won't be able to— I'm not sure if you can. comment the word CALM and get in, but what you can do is go to 3daycalm.com. That's the number 3, daycalm.com. All right. Let's see one more question before we go. Let's just see if we can do one more question. Did you put anything in the private chat? I did, yeah. All right. Let's take a look. Oh, this is a good question. Sebastian says, when it comes to evaluating if I should stay or leave the relationship, how do I make discernment, or how do I discern between what is coming from my own discomfort and my dysregulated nervous system? In other words, what I believe Sebastian is asking is, how do I know whether this person is genuinely either in the wrong or not showing up right, or whether it's my dysregulated nervous system that is the problem? This is a really, really— like, this is one of the hardest things. I actually think what you've just articulated is one of the hard questions of relationships, because we've got 2 human beings both bringing their individual stuff, their own baggage, their own wounds, their own traumas to a relationship. And sometimes no one is, quote, in the wrong, Sometimes this person does something that really activates this person. And let's say you have— let's say you have, uh, the kind of quintessential anxious and avoidant dynamic. This person is kind of anxious. This person is kind of avoidant. They're not extremes. They're not on the extreme end of the spectrum, but they both lean in different directions on that attachment spectrum. Let's say the avoidant, or the avoidant doesn't like suddenly decides, I just need a bit of space today. So they don't communicate much today. And the anxious sends a message that day. They don't get a response for a few hours. So they start to get— their nervous system gets aroused, and they get, you know, they start to get worried, they start to get anxious, they start to draw certain conclusions about what's happening to this person's energy. They may now double text. They may say, what's happening with you today? Why are you being— you seem really quiet. Maybe the anxious person calls them, and the avoidant person feels like, oh, I'm Like, I'm not allowed with this person just to have a few hours. So, they start to pull away a bit more. Maybe they get a bit cold on the phone, you know, not like rude, but just a little bit like disconnected, because it— and the anxious person can feel they want to get off the phone. So, the anxious person starts then saying, why do you— you seem like you want to get off the phone? Like, what's going on? Are you just— you don't want to talk to me? Now, the avoidant person starts to feel even more aroused, and they're like, well, I, I— no, it's not that I don't want to talk to you. I just, I need him. I, you know, I just need a minute. What do you mean you need a minute? What do you— you know, like, what if— listen, if this is all too much for you, then just tell me. Like, now what happens is the anxious person gets pushed more to this, to the extreme end of, uh, anxious attachment, and their behaviors start to get a little more, uh, intense. And the avoidant person does the same. So, the 2 people both push each other to further along the spectrum than they naturally exist, than is naturally their baseline. This is a cycle, a well-known cycle, that doesn't mean anyone's necessarily wrong. And it could be that one of these people is— let's say Sebastian is the anxious person, saying, how do I know? Whether I'm the one who's in the wrong, or they're in the wrong? How do I know if this is my nervous system just playing tricks on me, and I'm sabotaging a good thing? I like to think about it like this. Firstly, it's our job to bring our best, to the best of our ability, and for the people that are coming to join me for the Calm Method next week, Our best is gonna get better. That's a cool thing, isn't it? That my best can actually get better. If my best before was I really would sabotage relationships with my anxiety, or my avoidance, or, you know, how triggered I could get in a certain situation in relationships. If I would literally just destroy relationships in the past, my best is gonna be better than that. today. And for those of you joining me next week, we'll raise the bar on what your best is, but we have to bring that. We're not going to be perfect, and neither are they. The question then becomes, in a relationship, is our imperfect best that we bring something that can actually bring us together more, or is it something that pushes us further apart? There are relationships where no one is in the wrong, But these 2 people, with the differences between their nervous systems, it's not the right environment for healing. Does that make sense? It's simply not the right environment. A bit like, you know, if you've been through certain traumas and you join certain groups, communities, programs, there will be some communities, some groups that are much more healing for you than others. The same is true in relationships, and it doesn't mean that one group is better than the other, or one group is wrong in how they do things. It just means that there are certain relationships that are better for us to heal in, to be at, that bring out our best, and there are other relationships that bring out our worst. I think part of the battle is— Sebastian, do this. Do me a favor. Join us next week for 3 Day Calm at— for the Calm Method. 3daycalm.com is the link. Um, if you're on Instagram or Facebook, comment calm to join. After that, we're gonna have a different energy that you bring. You're then gonna see how this person responds to your best energy, not perfect energy, but your best energy, your most evolved energy, your most calm energy. We'll see how they respond to that, and at that point, if what they're able to give you is still not enough, it's not empathetic enough, it doesn't see you, they don't really get you, they're not able to show up in the ways that you need, you'll have a much clearer answer about whether this person's right for you. And again, it won't— that doesn't mean that they're wrong or they're a bad person. It just means You'll have a much clearer idea of whether this is something you should walk away from, because the two of you are too far apart in terms of what can actually work. All right. Very good. I have to go, but come join me next week. It's gonna be fantastic. I can't wait. I've worked really hard on this. I wanted to do it as a big live community event. I wanted to do it as something specific for my community. I relate to this. I've struggled with my emotions in my life. I've struggled to dissolve emotions in the moment when my brain gets hijacked. I'm a sensitive soul myself, so, you know, things have affected me in the past more than I would've liked them to. Sometimes things do today, but I have tools today. I have things that I use every day to manage my emotions. I have things I do every day to bring myself back to a place of calm. Anyone who knows me will tell you I use them daily. To me, they're like my in-case-of-emergency break-glass kit that I take with me everywhere I go, and it's maybe some of the tools I'm most thankful for in my whole life. So, if you want to do this with me next week, The Calm Method is where I'm going to be doing it. It's going to be Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday of next week, the 29th, of September to the 1st of October. Again, if you're on Instagram, just comment the word CALM, and I'll send you a link. And same goes for Facebook. If you're anywhere else watching this— TikTok, I'm looking at you; YouTube, I'm looking at you— go to 3daycalm.com. Okay? This is happening once. Don't miss it, guys, especially if you know that getting your mind right is going to be this— the secret to getting the attraction, the relationships, the confidence you want, which I believe it is. I believe it is. You can learn all the dating tips in the world— what to say, how to say it, um, what to text, how to have this conversation, how to have that conversation— none of it matters if we don't know how to get control of our internal state. So This is the foundation for everything. Thank you, everyone. I'll see you soon. Thanks for being here and sharing a few minutes with me. I'm sorry it couldn't be longer, but trust me, next week we're going to have an amazing amount of time together, and I can't wait. So, thank you, everyone. Oh, wait! I just have to answer this before I go. Mira on TikTok says, "Why can't we just be ourselves?" What I'm talking about is learning a set of tools emotionally that actually allows you to be more yourself. Do you realize when you get triggered, it doesn't make you more yourself? When you get triggered, it takes you to this version of yourself that is the most paralyzed by fear, the most scared, the most anxious, the most ungenerous in Our interpretation of other people's behavior, the most reactive. That's not ourselves, or if it is, it's certainly not the version of ourselves we wanna bring to life. So this isn't about not being yourself. It's about being able to access the best of you. You're what some might argue your truest self. So that's what we're doing. I'm I can't wait to see you soon. I'll see you on Tuesday, everybody, for the first day of the Calm Method. And in the meantime, have a wonderful weekend. All right, much love. Bye, guys. Bye.