10 things I had totally wrong about narcissists

Imagine thinking that you knew how to spot a narcissist, that you understood the signs, that you knew how to protect yourself, and then years later, realizing that you'd been surrounded by them all along, completely unaware. That's exactly what happened to me. I thought I had it all figured out. I believed I could spot the signs, protect myself, and avoid their traps. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. And because of that, I stayed trapped in Toxic Dynamics for for years, second guessing myself and replaying the same patterns over and over. After more than 20 years of coaching and research, I have to admit, for the first 10 years, I had no idea how wrong I was. I had to learn the hard way. But those hard lessons transformed how I understand narcissistic relationships today. And in this video, I'll share the 10 biggest mistakes I made about narcissists. What you can look for to avoid the same mistakes the first mistake was that I thought I was exaggerating about how unhappy I was and about how unavailable he was. In my first marriage, I told myself a thousand times that I was the one that was being dramatic, or that my expectations were just too high. I'd brush off loneliness, thinking it's not that bad, or I'd tell myself maybe I needed to just focus on the positive. I did the same with guilt trips and constant criticism, convincing myself that I was just being overly sensitive. And I became so good at pretending everything was fine that I started to believe my own excuses. Looking back, I see how much I ignored the sadness that wouldn't go away, the way I felt invisible in my relationship. I wasn't exaggerating, I was gaslighting myself. And that denial kept me stuck, unable to face the truth about the people closest to me. What I've learned is that we often think we're exaggerating because narcissists are masters at downplaying their behavior and shifting the blame onto us over time, this gaslighting wears us down, making us doubt our own feelings. And then we start wondering if we're exaggerating the problems. The second mistake was that I thought I'd just never be happy, no matter who I was with. Being raised by narcissists, I never had been actually properly loved, so I had nothing to compare against, no way to see how wrong things were. So it seemed normal to feel like I wasn't good enough, like the person I was with didn't actually want to be with me. I convinced myself that this was just how relationships worked and that I'd always feel unloved or like A burden, or like I wasn't measuring up. I believed I'd be in a relationship like that forever. What I didn't know at the time was that these feelings weren't about me. They were the hallmarks of being in a relationship with a narcissist. Narcissists don't just make you feel small. They break you down piece by piece. They convince you that your needs are too much, that your feelings don't matter, and that your worth is measured by how much you can give to them. When you've never experienced healthy love, it's easy to think that feeling empty or unseen is just how relationships are. But that's not true. That emptiness isn't normal. It's a red flag that something is deeply wrong, and it's exactly where they want you to stay. By the way, if you're wondering how to assess the level of risk in your own relationships, I've created a free narcissist protection checklist to help. It's a quick and powerful way to protect yourself and those you love, and it's in the description below. The third mistake was that I used to believe that narcissists were just wounded and traumatized people like me. I thought that their behavior came from this place of pain and that their cruelty was unintentional. But here's what I know now. While they may have been hurt, they've chosen a path of using and harming others to get their needs met. This isn't innocent. It is not something to be compassionate about. Plenty of people endure horrific trauma without resorting to manipulation or cruelty. Narcissists, on the other hand, exploit others deliberately and without remorse. So looking back, I see how dangerous it was to confuse their wounds with mine. I was giving them a pass they didn't deserve, excusing behavior that caused real harm. Recognizing this difference allowed me to stop rationalizing their actions and start protecting myself. The fourth mistake was that I thought I could win them over with enough kindness or compassion. I thought if I was patient enough, loving enough, or understanding enough, they'd finally care about me or really love me or even choose me. But no matter what I gave, it was never enough. Looking back, I realized I was like a moth to a flame, chasing after the very people that could never love me. It wasn't random. It came from this desperate, insatiable need to heal the unloved wound in me. I kept believing that I could fix it by earning their love. But narcissists don't see your kindness as love. They see it as weakness. They don't love you, but they do love what you're offering. They'll feed on your compassion, using it as a tool to take control of the relationship. The more you try to show them love, the more they're going to exploit it, leaving you depleted and trapped. The painful truth is that you can't fix them and you can't win them over. The only way to take back your power is to stop giving it away. The fifth mistake was about their parenting. I knew something was wrong with my ex, but I thought he was just cold and callous with me. I never imagined he'd be the same with our daughter. He said all the right things, that he loved her and he wanted to help her and he wanted to be a good father. But I had it all wrong. His words didn't match his actions. He didn't care for her when she was sick or hurting or upset. What he really wanted was to be seen as a good dad. She wasn't allowed to have her own needs. She was supposed to be cute or funny or outgoing on demand, a perfect little reflection of him. Narcissists don't truly care about their children. No matter what they say, Kids are just another object to be used, just like everyone else. They use them for supply, for attention, for sympathy. And they use them to boost their own ego. The sixth mistake was that I used to think that narcissists had two different, separate personalities. A cruel, calculating Hyde behind closed doors and charming, nice Dr. Jekyll out in public. I thought they flipped back and forth between these extremes, depending on the situation. But I had it all wrong. These aren't two personalities. They are two sides of the same coin. Both the cruelty and the charm come from the same motive. To feel powerful and in control. Behind the scenes. They tear you down to dominate you, to keep you feeling small and unsure. And in public, they'll turn on the charm for a different kind of power. Manipulating others into seeing them as kind or generous or admirable. It's not a split personality. It's a strategy. And once I understood this, the whiplash I used to feel from their behavior started to make makes sense. They're not chaotic or confused. They're calculated. And they're always working to maintain control over their image and everyone around them. The seventh mistake was that I thought narcissism was just a personality quirk. Selfish and shallow, sure, but ultimately harmless. I had no idea how wrong I was. What I didn't see was the depth of darkness beneath the surface. The malevolence the envy, the greedy. Narcissists don't just want to get their way. They're willing to harm others to achieve it. They'll manipulate, lie, and destroy relationships without a second thought if it serves their interests. And the scariest part is that they feel entitled to do it. I thought their behavior was superficial, but it's so much deeper than that. It's a deliberate strategy fueled by resentment and an insatiable need for control. Understanding this changed everything for me. Narcissism isn't just annoying, it's dangerous. And the sooner you see it for what it is, the better you can protect yourself. The eighth mistake was that I felt guilty for not wanting to be around them. I'd get so drained and conflict avoidant that I'd ghost them, or I'd stop answering their phone calls, or I'd try to avoid seeing them. But then I thought the guilt that I felt afterwards was because I was doing something wrong. I believed that not doing what they wanted or not being who they wanted me to be made me a bad person. All it took was one crumb of pitiful kindness from them and I'd convinced myself that I was the problem. I didn't realize the narcissists weaponized guilt to keep you in line. What I had wrong was thinking that my guilt was actually a moral compass. And it wasn't. It was their manipulation. Narcissists twist your empathy against you, making you feel like protecting yourself is somehow failing them. It's not. Setting boundaries isn't wrong. But for years, I couldn't see this because my guilt blinded me. The ninth mistake was that I thought narcissists were rare. I assumed they were kind of like a one in a million type. The kind of person that you'd only encounter a few times in your life. Oh, I had that so wrong. So, so wrong. The truth is, narcissists aren't rare. Research shows that one in six people exhibit strong narcissistic traits. And if you were raised by narcissists or you've been in long term relationships with them, the odds are that you have far more than your fair share around you. Because you've been trained to fit the profile, they recognize you as someone who's easier to manipulate and control. If you're empathetic, agreeable, polite or helpful, you're even more likely to attract them. Narcissists are drawn to people like you because they see your kindness as an opportunity, not a virtue. Recognizing this pattern was life changing for me. And the 10th mistake is embarrassing to admit, but. But I really thought that I was kind of special to be chosen by them. Whether it was my ex or a bright, shiny new friend or a business colleague, I saw them as special exactly how they wanted me to see them. And when they brought me into their world, I felt special, too. Like being included in their circle was some kind of honor. What I didn't realize was that this was all by design. Narcissists are experts at creating an aura of exclusivity, making you feel lucky just to stand in their light. And while they do choose people with strengths, talent, empathy, intelligence, it's not because they value those qualities. It's because they can use them. Looking back now, I cringe at how I fell for it. But at the time, I believed it. Being chosen by them didn't make me special. It just made me a target. And they weren't drawn to my strengths to celebrate them. They were drawn to exploit them for their own gain. If you felt like this, maybe a little flattered, it's understandable. All of us want to be chosen. But being chosen by a narcissist isn't a compliment, it's a warning.