3 Reasons Relationships turn Toxic

Why is it that relationships with friends, co workers, romantic partners, and even family members often turn into something so toxic? And how do you know if you're in a toxic relationship? Healthy relationships are not easy to come by, and I wanted to find out why. So I did a deep dive into my own history, as well as that of my clients. And I found three reasons why relationships turn toxic and how to spot the signs. Have you ever felt like you're just not quite yourself in a relationship? That was me. I had this ability to figure out exactly what people needed from me and become just that. I thought that to be accepted, I had to become a chameleon. I didn't have a solid sense of self, and I forged friendships quickly and easily, sometimes within a single conversation. One of my closest friendships started by a knock on my hotel door. I was in my hotel room getting ready for bed, and I worked all day and I was tired and it was about 11pm And I looked through the peephole to see one of my co workers standing outside the door. She's like, hey, let's go swim. And without even blinking, I'm like, okay. I changed into my swimsuit and we swam and talked through the night and became insane, inseparable after that. I thought my eagerness to fast track relationships was a quirky characteristic or maybe even a unique talent of mine. I didn't realize this type of accelerated bonding was actually a sign of a lack of boundaries. And I didn't know that it would always lead to unstable, dysfunctional patterns. After that night in the pool, my friend and I became, in my eyes, soul sisters. We'd talk several times a day about every aspect of our lives. At least that's what I think thought. But looking back, I can see that I avoided sharing things I thought she wouldn't like about me. And instead I tried to be who I thought she wanted me to be. Of course, this wasn't a conscious calculation, nor was I intentionally trying to deceive anyone. I honestly believed that this is how relationships worked, that love was earned through becoming what someone else wanted or needed. In other words, I believed that I was worthy of love, friendship, and belonging only when I erased myself completely. I couldn't have been more wrong. Which brings us to the next reason relationships can turn so, so toxic. The erosion of self. I didn't know that my dysfunctional pattern would never get me what I really wanted, or that this pattern prevented me from ever feeling connection, intimacy, or belonging. As time progressed, I allowed myself to become so enmeshed in this friendship that I felt like I had no footing of my own. I became more timid, more secretive, and she became more assertive and critical. So here's another heads up Watch out for Any relationship with a balance of power is way off. If you find that one person is dominating the friendship or making the decisions or steering every conversation, or simply having too much influence, that's a recipe for toxicity down the line. Friendships aren't always 50 50, and if someone has the upper hand almost all the time, you might be creating a toxic dynamic that's more about control and manipulation rather than respect and care. So why do so many relationships turn toxic? Well, it's often because we ourselves unknowingly set the stage for it. If you're wondering about one of your relationships, ask yourself these questions. 1 Did you fast track emotional closeness? 2. Do you feel like you lose your sense of self when you're around this person? And 3 Do you notice that one person dominates or controls the dynamic? If you're nodding yes to any of these questions, it's time to get to work. The thing is that sometimes people in the relationship are not toxic, but the dynamic is I can't help but wonder if I had the chance to do it all over again. If I had answered that hotel door and just said, no, not tonight, I'm tired, would we have ended up in the same place? If I had told her the truth and taken time to share who I really was and owned my own power within the friendship, would we still be friends? It's impossible to know because I had so much healing to do and so much to learn. To hear more about my story and what finally made it all click. Watch this Next I.