3 Secrets ALL narcissists keep

Have you ever poured your heart into a relationship only to feel more invisible and drained? Where instead of building a bond, you find yourself lost in a maze of confusion and self doubt? If you're second guessing your worth or reliving conversations to try to figure out what went wrong, you might be dealing with a narcissist. I spent the last two decades researching the connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, an author, and someone who's lived these challenges, I know how difficult these relationships can be. Today, I'll give you three secrets all night. Narcissists keep personal stories from my own experience to help you recognize these patterns and actionable strategies to help you reclaim your power in any relationship. Have you ever noticed how some people seem to thrive on attention, as if their survival depends on it? The first deeply guarded secret for both grandiose and covert narcissists is an insatiable need for external validation. They lack a stable sense of self and need others to fill that void. Their pursuit of attention and affirmation isn't just a preference, but a critical aspect of their psychological makeup. The unstable, fragmented sense of self drives narcissists to seek constant assurance from the outside world to feel valued and real. To put it simply, without your attention, they feel like they don't exist. So if this is so necessary for their survival, why do they keep it a secret? Admitting to any fault or defect is very threatening to a narcissist. Their world is incredibly fragile, where they're constantly trying to keep a facade intact so as not to expose themselves. They've constructed a fantasy and need people to validate that fantasy so they can maintain some sense of power and control. So revealing that they actually need you. To give them attention so that they feel real would expose their true vulnerability and undermine the power that they desperately want. The external validation is going to look slightly different in a grandiose narcissist versus a covert narcissist. The grandiose narcissist seeks validation through overt means demanding attention, admiration and accolades. Their neediness is hidden behind a facade of self assuredness and superiority, making it seem like they are above the desire for approval. Covert narcissist is more subtle and typically seeks validation by eliciting sympathy and playing the victim. Their neediness is hidden behind manipulation that looks like genuine vulnerability, making it seem as though they're seeking empathy and support, not deliberately using others for attention. In both cases, the goal is to sustain narcissistic supply. This concept of narcissistic supply is key to understanding their behavior. They manipulate you so they can extract reactions that make them feel validated. Without this supply, narcissists experience a profound sense of emptiness, even annihilation, like they don't exist at all. When you're an empathetic person like you and me, you might miss this red flag because you want to see the best in others. You might think that they're just being vulnerable with you or just wanting to connect. You might see this as a plea for help, rather than recognizing it as the manipulation tool that it is using you to substantiate their existence. Now, does this mean that every single person who seeks attention is a narcissist? Of course not. Sometimes people are just bored or they're insecure, or they are in fact seeking validation for short term relief. It comes down to the intention behind it. A narcissist is manipulating you so that they can use you to prove their existence and to validate that fantasy sense of themselves. This type of manipulation feels dominating and controlling and has the feel of desperation and insatiability to it. In my experience with a family member who leans towards the grandiose style, I would walk away from conversations feeling completely unheard and exhausted. Her need for validation, approval and adoration was so over the top, she would panic and become more controlling. The minute I'd try to exit the conversation, she'd speak faster, telling me about her accomplishments while holding my arm, desperate to keep my attention. I didn't want to be rude and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I'd try to wait for a graceful time to escape. I didn't realize that I was being manipulated and that my politeness and empathy were being used as a weapon against me for her own gain. So I'd remain captive until, overwhelmed by anxiety and desperate for freedom, I'd abruptly interrupt and make a run for it. If you find yourself in this situation being used for admiration and validation by a narcissist, don't do what I did. Instead, use the reflect and redirect technique. First, you acknowledge what the narcissist is saying without feeding their need for validation. Use neutral, non committal language that reflects understanding without offering the admiration they're seeking. For example, if they're boasting about some achievement, you might say it sounds like you're proud of what you've accomplished. Then you shift the focus of the conversation away from the narcissist and towards a neutral topic. Or excuse yourself from the conversation politely. If you're dealing with a narcissist expect pushback. They may react with confusion, frustration. They might tantrum or go into full on rage because they're not receiving the expected level of admiration and attention. When you're new to this technique, it might feel rude or scary, especially when you're used to prioritizing other people's feelings. Just know that it's an important part of healthy interactions. It's not rude to refuse to be someone's narcissistic supply. Setting boundaries protects your needs and your energy. Caring for your emotional well being is not impolite. It's necessary. Moving on have you ever noticed how some conversations leave you drained? Like you just took a ride on an emotional roller coaster? Where the first secret was about how narcissists use validation as a form of narcissistic supply. Secret number two is a different but equally manipulative tactic. They need your emotional currency as supply your emotional reaction, be it adoration, anger, upset, affirms the narcissist's existence and their ability to impact others. This feedback loop is vital for maintaining their fragile self image. By showing that they can influence your feelings, they validate their own significance and power. They want the drama because it breaks the monotony of their inner emptiness or boredom and it makes them feel alive and entertained. To them, you're a puppet and they get a dark sense of joy watching you as they pull your strings. Just like a cheering crowd energizes a performer. Your emotional investment, whether through praise, arguments or even visible distress, energizes the narcissist. They need to keep this as a secret because if everyone knew that staying calm and unaffected was the narcissist kryptonite, their manipulative tactics wouldn't work. They need your emotional engagement to feel in control and to continue to hold power in their relationships. This is going to look slightly different in a grandiose narcissist versus a covert narcissist. A grandiose narcissist might try to dominate the conversation, seeking admiration or provoking arguments to get a reaction, while a covert narcissist will play victim or constantly complain to elicit sympathy. I think because I grew up with volatility and violence, I tend to freeze or shut down when anyone around me becomes angry or tries to engage me in an argument. However, as a bleeding empath, I was easy bait for covert narcissists who used my empathy, my love, my kindness and generosity for their supply. I remember one holiday I stayed on the phone for hours trying to help a friend feel better every time I tried to bring the conversation to an end. She'd start crying again, telling me how she was afraid to be alone and I was a wreck, not wanting to abandon her, but also exhausted and unable to find an exit. Because of my kindness and my overwillingness to be polite and generous, I made myself easy to use. Instead of seeing this as an overreaction and possible manipulation, I fell right into the pity trap. Whether you're dealing the demands of a grandiose narcissist or the more deceptive manipulations of a covert narcissist, the key is to understand that they need emotional supply to sustain their ego and sense of self importance. The ultimate tool against this manipulation is to cut off their supply directly, using what is called the Gray Rock method. First, notice the trap. Keep a lookout for when you're being pulled into an emotional reaction, whether it's sympathy and anger, guilt or shame. Then take a moment to assess what's happening so you can clearly see the manipulation attempt and stop yourself from engaging. Then you use the Gray Rock method. This is when you make yourself as uninteresting as possible to the narcissist, like a dull, emotionless rock. This makes it impossible for them to use you for supply. Keep to short matter of fact statements like okay, I understand no emotion. You don't give any emotional engagement. They really don't like this and they'll typically do one of two things. One option is that they quickly realize that you're not a good source of supply, so they drop you and move on. Or the second option is they become more aggressive, more dramatic, trying to get you to respond. If the narcissist doubles down or continues manipulating firmly, end the conversation with a simple I need to step away. Now. Remember, you have the right to protect your emotional energy. Your emotional resources are valuable and they belong to you alone. And even though this might feel difficult, cold or uncaring at first, staying emotionally neutral is about protecting your energy and not allowing yourself to be manipulated. It's a crucial skill for healthy interactions, giving you the power to decide when and how to engage emotionally. Have you ever wondered why interactions with a narcissist can feel so transactional? Almost as if you're more of an appliance than a partner. This brings us to secret number three and I wish I could find the original source for this one. I read it on a blog years ago and it helped me so much so I wanted to share it with you. And if you know who to credit, please let me know in the comments. So here's the big secret to a narcissist, you are just a toaster. Stay with me. Because for people like us, it's impossible to try to make sense of how they can say they love us, but then also be totally cruel, completely dismissive, and then just throw us away when they're done with us. But that's because you know something they don't. You know how to love a human being. But how do you feel about your toaster? You might really like it. You might use it all the time. You might hide it in the cupboard when you want to use other appliances. You might get frustrated if you push the lever and it doesn't quite do the job you want. And finally, if it stops working altogether, you'll probably just throw it away and get a new one. And you'll probably feel pretty fine about getting a new one. It's no biggie. It's just a toaster. So let me repeat that same paragraph, but make it about a human. How do I feel about my partner, husband, child, friend? I might really like them. I might use them all the time. I might ignore them when I want to use other people. I get frustrated if I push their buttons and they don't do what I want. And finally, when they stop serving me, I'll probably just discard them and get a new one. Now, I know it's hard to wrap your mind around this, but if you can use this metaphor, it might help you find freedom and relief from that emotional pain that you've endured. Because here's the truth. To a narcissist, love isn't about emotional connection or mutual respect. It's about utility. It's transactional. And being treated like that is so unfair. And it's very difficult to understand. To a narcissist, people are valued just for what they provide. To the narcissist, and just like a toaster that no longer works will get replaced without a second thought. So will you, if you stop supplying what they need. So why do they think like this? Narcissists have a very fragile sense of self. And to defend this fragile ego, relationships are reduced to merely being transactional. Acknowledging love as a deep, mutual emotional connection requires vulnerability, a state that absolutely threatens their carefully constructed self image. By reducing love to a utility, they avoid the risk of emotional exposure while making sure their needs continue to be met. This looks a little different between grandiose and covert narcissists. Grandiose narcissists often have overt confidence, overt entitlement, and desire for admiration. They view love primarily as a source of validation and admiration. So if love is a toaster, grandiose narcissists are interested in how shiny or prestigious or admired the toaster can make them look. They seek partners who elevate their status, often preferring relationships that can be showcased and admired by others. For grandiose narcissists, a relationship's utility lies in enhancing their self image through association with partners who reflect the qualities they desire for themselves. Success, beauty, status, or power revert. Narcissists don't necessarily care if you're shiny, they just want you to serve your function in private. They often feel victimized, neglected, or underrated. And they use love as a utility in a more emotionally manipulative manner. They seek partners who can provide constant emotional support, validation and sympathy, viewing love as a tool to fill their emotional voids and affirm their perceptions of being misunderstood or undervalued. When you're an empathetic person, you miss these utilitarian views of love because you simply cannot even imagine thinking this way. You project empathy where there really is none, and you make excuses or you try to use logic or to make sense of this. And that never works. With my ex husband, I was used to how he treated me. But once we had our daughter, his inability to feel love really came into focus. I could not wrap my mind around how he thought or acted. It was like he was a robot, completely lacking a human soul and acted as if a baby was there to entertain him or to be put away and forgotten. It was like he wanted to have a wife without being a husband or wanted to have a daughter without being a father. My love for her is what finally woke me up because of this stark difference for how I cared for her and how uninterested and callous he seemed. But even seeing it with my own eyes, I still couldn't wrap my mind around it. I'd tell myself he just didn't love me, but of course he loved her. And I'd tell myself that his actions were punishing me, not her. The unfathomable way that he loved was a fundamental confusion that set me on a journey to recognize and heal from narcissistic abuse and to help my daughter do the same. If you're wondering about your own relationship, please know that this can be devastating to recognize, but it also ultimately helps you clear the path to reclaim your power. When you're ready to do this, use the utility check method. First, take a hard look at the behavior you see, not what they say. This is about observing actions and recognizing patterns. Does the behavior seem one sided? Are your actions different from theirs? Next, take an honest look at your role in the relationship. Are you solely valued for what you do for them, like constant admiration, unwavering support, making them feel good about themselves, or even financial benefits? Then change your behavior. Basically, see what happens when they push the button and you don't make toast. A simple but firm I'm not available for that right now or that doesn't work for me will shift the dynamic. If they react, and this could be minor irritation all the way to chaotic tantrums and rage, or if they try to manipulate you or guilt you into the old pattern, this is a big red flag and it's a sign to disengage and protect yourself. You're a person, not an appliance, and you deserve to be loved for who you are, not for what you do for someone else. This tool is essential for anyone, especially those of us with high empathy, to make sure that you don't lose sight of what you rightfully deserve.