3 Signs an avoidant is a narcissist in disguise

Have you ever felt hurt or confused by someone's distant behavior and wondered why they suddenly pulled away? And how do you know if their on again, off again behavior is due to an avoidant attachment style or if you're actually dealing with a narcissist in disguise? This distinction is important because people with avoidant attachment can heal, but narcissists rarely change. This means recognizing the difference can save you from years of manipulation, stress and emotional abuse. I've spent the last 20 years researching the connection between self worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and someone who's faced these challenges firsthand, I know how difficult this can be. In this video, I'll share simple ways to tell if an avoidant is actually a narcissist in disguise, real examples of how to spot the difference, and simple strategies to empower you in any situation. Years ago, when I was trying to make sense out of the painful issues of my first marriage, I was drawn to attachment theory, which is basically a way to understand attachment styles and how your childhood experiences affect the way that you experience connection. I didn't know what had gone wrong in my marriage. All I knew was that for a short time everything was amazing and then all of a sudden it was just like a switch had been flipped. He became distant and cold and no matter what I tried to do to connect with him, he was guarded and unavailable. I thought I had an anxious attachment style, the product of inconsistent and chaotic parenting resulting in a strong desire for closeness and a fear of abandonment. And I thought he had an avoidant attachment style, the product of unavailable and unresponsive parenting that results in a strong desire for emotional distance and independence. My self proclaimed attachment diagnosis gave me a false sense of hope that blinded me to the abuse that I was enduring, kept me stuck in a toxic relationship for years, and gutted my self worth. And I don't want that to happen to you. So let's get into the differences. Have you ever felt confused by someone's sudden need for independence, leaving you unsure of where you stand? This is our first thing to look at when you're trying to figure out if someone is an avoidant or a narcissist in disguise. Manipulative Independence People with an avoidant attachment style learn early on to become self reliant and to keep their guard up. By the time they're adults, they often feel trapped when someone tries to get too close. They do want love and connection, but they struggle with intimacy because they fear getting hurt. They even though they crave connection they have a hard time trusting you and letting their walls down. To them, independence is safety and emotional closeness. Intimacy and vulnerability is threatening, so they pull away to keep their emotional space. Now this gets tricky because a narcissist can use independence as a manipulation tactic. They might try to create a sense of mystery to keep you off balance. Or they might try to make you feel inferior by making plans without you or acting as if they have more important things to do than to spend time with you. This isn't genuine independence. It's a calculated move to elevate their status and to make you feel less important by being unpredictable and elusive. They make you constantly question their actions and constantly question your own worth, which keeps you invested in seeking their approval. And this keeps them in a position of power while you're left feeling like you need to work harder to gain their attention and affection. The important takeaway here is that avoidance Seek independence to protect themselves from vulnerability and rejection, while narcissists use rejection and false independence to control and dominate you. I didn't spot my ex husband as a narcissist because I mistakenly thought narcissists were always needy and attention seeking. And sometimes he was, but other times he'd leave for days or without any explanation at all. I told myself that this was my anxious attachment style and that I was just codependent or too insecure or too needy. Not when you're trying to determine if someone's withdrawal or need for independence is due to avoidant attachment or narcissistic manipulation. Use the intent check Next time someone pulls away directly address the behavior. Say something like I've noticed that you withdraw sometimes. Can we talk about why this happens? You're looking for whether their answers lean more toward their own fears and insecurities, or if they lean more toward manipulation and control. If they respond to thoughtfully and try to explain their need for space, it's more likely an avoidant attachment. If they resist responding, deflect the question, make you feel bad or needy for asking, or use it as an opportunity to assert control. It's a red flag for narcissistic manipulation. Have you ever been in a relationship where your feelings are sidelined or seem unimportant? This is our second thing to look at if you're trying to figure out if someone is an avoidant or or a narcissist in disguise. Manipulative Emotional distance People with avoidant attachment styles struggle with intimacy and vulnerability, even though they might be deeply empathetic. When they become overwhelmed, they might emotionally shut down dissociate or retreat with panic. This isn't due to a lack of empathy, but because of a fierce self preservation instinct being triggered. And even though this can be painful on the receiving end, they generally do not want to hurt you. They're just simply trying to feel safe. There are a lot of reasons why people seem emotionally distant. People with neurodivergent conditions such as autism or ADHD or even PTSD might also display similar behaviors. And that's why it's super important to pay attention to patterns over time rather than just seeing a behavior and labeling it. The key is to understanding the intent and the underlying motivations behind these actions. Narcissists want to control and dominate the others. Don't narcissists use their lack of empathy to keep control over you and to make sure that you're always trying to earn their approval. In my first marriage, I completely missed this. I blamed myself for being too much, thinking that something was wrong with me for wanting more closeness or more connection. And I didn't realize that his lack of empathy and his emotional disinterest was manipulation. When you're trying to determine if someone's emotional withdrawal is due to avoidant attachment or or due to manipulation, use the empathy test to check for this. The next time you express your feelings or your need for support, notice how they respond. For instance, share something that requires empathy. Say something like I've been feeling really stressed lately or I could use some support and then watch their reaction. An avoidant might seem overwhelmed or uncomfortable, but they will show some level of concern and attempt to help in their own way. They might say something like I'm not great at this, but I'm here for you. They genuinely don't want you to be in distress, even if they might not know how to handle the situation. In contrast, a narcissist won't really care if you're in distress unless it affects your ability to serve their needs. They might try to negate your story or shift the conversation back to themselves, or use your vulnerability against you. Sometimes they might even feign empathy to keep control over you so that you remain a secure source of narcissistic supply. They don't want what's good for you, they want what's good for them, so proceed with caution. If you'd like a copy of the Tools I share, sign up below and you'll get a new three minute Empowerment plan every week. Have you ever felt like someone was emotionally punishing you without ever directly confronting you? This is our third way to spot A Narcissist in disguise the nuance between passive aggressive control and conflict avoidance People with an avoidant attachment style tend to surprise, surprise, avoid conflict. They don't want confrontation. They don't want to be stuck in an uncomfortable conversation. Emotional intensity, anything too deep, too real, too vulnerable is super threatening to them. Their goal is to keep the peace and protect themselves with a safe buffer of distance. So it's easy to confuse this with a covert narcissist. Classic manipulation tactic, passive aggression and stonewalling. On the surface, the behavior basically looks the same. Dodging a conversation. The intent is very different. It's not about avoiding conflict, but about controlling you, punishing you, and manipulating the situation to maintain power over you. The avoidant doesn't want you to notice that they're avoiding you. They don't want you to try to fix it. They just want more space so they can feel more safe. But the narcissist does want you to notice. They do want you to try to fix it. They want to be able to reject you, to make you feel small and unimportant, and this feeds their need for narcissistic supply. They feel validated and powerful by making you feel excluded and unwanted. They're addicted to no contact and use it as a passive aggressive tactic. By withdrawing, they can exert control without taking any responsibility. This no contact period leaves you guessing, anxious and desperate for their approval, which reinforces their power over the relationship. This was something that always confused me about my ex husband because I misunderstood what he was doing. I always turned it on myself, thinking that I was too sensitive or too needy or just too much period. I was always afraid to bring up difficult subjects because I never knew what would happen. I spent years trying to be more accommodating and less confrontational rather than recognizing that I was in an abusive relationship. When you're trying to determine if someone's behavior is passive aggressive control or genuine conflict avoidance, use the supply threat tool. The key difference is that avoidance want to protect themselves, not to control you, and they appreciate a timeout. While narcissists use stonewalling as a means to manipulate and control and fear losing their narcissistic supply. So next time you come up against a withdrawal, calmly suggest a break. You can say something like, I notice we're not getting anywhere right now. Let's take a timeout. An avoidant person will likely feel relieved by this break and use the time to reflect and calm down, showing that they value the timeout for self preservation. In contrast, the timeout will threaten a narcissist sense of control, and they will probably put up a fight. They'll either attempt to pull you back into the conflict or punish you for further. To reassert their dominance, they'll break the silence by mocking or belittling the suggestion. They'll position themselves as a victim and will escalate their manipulation attempts. If you notice this resistance or increased manipulative behavior, it's a red flag.